Another Child when one is Autistic?

[Jotash]

I need some advice. My DH and I want to have another child. I'm nearing the end of the time I feel it would be safe to have another (I'm almost 38). We have one child who is five and has PDD-NOS. As much as I love my son, the thought of having another with the same disorder scares me. He's quite a handful and I don't know if I could handle another emotionally or physically. I know this time I would be more aware of the signs and perhaps be able to seek intervention earlier, but it would break my heart to have another with autism. Seeing as they don't know if it's hereditary or not, should we risk it? (To clarify, if we did have another with autism, I know I would deal with it and love the child, but it almost seems selfish to bring another child into the world with the possibility that it will have this disability.) I would love for my son to have a sibling, but I am so scared. Anyone have similar experiences? Anyone have a child born after one with autism who is "normal"? I am very confused and I promised my husband, who definately wants another one, that I would make my decision by my 38th birthday in February (BTW, we're celebrating that at WDW :earsboy: )

[mbb]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Been there...still there, some days...and still don't know...

We have twin boys, age 7, both ASD..and at this point, many tell us that they "wouldn't know the boys are autistic"...

DH -heart and head:) - says no...it was just too hard, and the "what-ifs" for him are too overwhelming.
Me - head says no, heart just isn't sure.

Our niece is just 17 months old, and DB and DSIL are "beginning the process" of EI and assessment...she's a precious little princess princess: - and just being with her takes DH and I right back to when our boys were her age...same sensory issues, same tantrums, same everything.

And when I talk with DSIL, I think, I just couldn't do that again...but when I'm with them, it all feels so familiar, I know I could...and "this time";), we'd be so much more prepared!LOL!

The question is...do we want to do it again...??? ..and maybe the answer to it just isn't in our hands at all.

:hug:

:sunny:

[DisneyPhD]

My response isn't as a parent (I am one, but I don't haver personal experince with autisum in my family) but as a social worker.

I have worked with many families with autistic or special need children. In many (most) cases they are not the only child or the youngest child. In almost every case I have seen that other sibling has a bond to the autistic child in a way no other human has. It has brought a great deal to the quality of life for the autistic child and the sibling. It has been WONDERFUL for the parents. (In many ways, but also wonderful to have a child who's needs are more average and becomes more independent as they mature.)

As a mother I can only fathom what you do day to day with an autistic child. I don't know what the risks are for you.

I know I have seen families that did continue on with children and they are so happy they did. In all these cases (about 40 that I have had experince with) only one of their children had this speical need. The others children did not (not just one sibling, sometimes 4 or more.) In some of my cases one child was also deaf as that is the field I work in also.

As a parent and I can tell you 2 is harder then one, but silbings are wonderful gifts. (and also as a sister). I also had a number of adult cases who were clasified as DD where a sibling has been the only person in this adults life after the parents died.

Also you son is 5 now so he will be spending more of his time in school, so that should be good timing for you to have more time with the baby.


Best of luck what ever you decied. :goodvibes

[Rosie]

Hi Jotash

My DS is 11 and is diagnosed as having Asperger Syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. My DD is 9 and is a typically developing child with excellent social skills and no signs of obsessive behaviour.

When my DH and I decided to have child no.2 we didn't know that our DS was autistic - so I really feel your dilema. Each planned pregnancy involves an acknowledgement of certain risks involved. I like to think that I would have chosen to have my DD regardless of the risk of Autism, but I can't be absolutely certain.

It is scary to make the big decisions in life and we never really know if we make all the right ones do we? I know that my DS loves his sister and when someone else hurts him he turns to her for reassurance. Like all siblings they squabble but they also have some really fun times together. Despite wanting to be thought cool by schoolfriends, my DD will play with soft toys with her brother just like she did when they were toddlers.

Sending you and your family:grouphug:

[SueM in MN]

My youngest DD is not autistic, but has many special needs. I had difficult pregnancies and before having second DD, we had already decided that we were only going to have 2. Now that my children are adults, I kind of wish we had had one more child. My oldest DD has a wonderful relationship with her disabled sister, but I feel sad that when DH and I are gone, they will be alone and older DD is going to have a lot of responsibility all by herself. If they were younger (and we had thought about it sooner), we would have considered adoption.
It's a hard decision, but I know a lot of people whose child with disabilities is not their youngest or only child.
Pixie dust for whatever your decision turns out to be.

[leise]

I feel very lucky in that we realised my first son was autistic while I was pregnant with my second son, so the decision about whether or not to have another one never happened for us, we already had done it!

My second son thankfully does not have ASD, and it really is as if he got into the queue for social skills and communication and took his older brother's share too! For the first 18 months of his life, things were hard, we were going through diagnosis, and my ASD son just ignored his baby brother. But no they are 6 and 4 and they are inseperable. The 4 year old has pushed the 6 year old along in so many areas, they communicate together in a way the rest of us have to work on, they play together really well. I know we have many tough times ahead but right now it feels as if the best thing we ever did for our son was give him his brother.

I have watched countless friends agonise over the same choice as you, and have been at a loss as to what to advise. I am so glad it was a choice I didn't have to make. Some days now I think about having a third and I don't know, but we never planned to have three anyway. I think the idea of adoption is one I would consider, if circumstances allowed us to have a third.

Good luck with your decision, I hope whatever you choose works out for the best! :wizard:

[Jotash]

Thank you to everyone for their responses. I know it's a touchy subject and I appreciate you all understanding.

[rjthkids]

I can certainly relate to your dilemma, though my first child is not autistic, I had an extremely difficult pregnancy and she was born at only 24 weeks and weighed 1.1 pounds at birth and was eleven inches long. It was touch and go for the first several months in the NICU, she had *sooooo* many breathing problems. Then her Retinas began scarring and bleeding and even though laser surgery had come a long way and can fix most cases now before total retinal detachment sets in, this was not the case for our little one. When we took her home she was on oxygen, a million monitors, and we knew that she was most likely completely and totally blind.

To say it was a traumatic experience would be the understatement of the century. Thinking of subsequent pregnancies was agonizing because we were told that there would be an elevated risk of another preterm labor and delivery. I asked myself the same question, was it fair to our daughter and any additional children to risk the same outcome? How could I meet everyone's needs?

Honestly, for us, the answer came through much prayer. I realized in one, huge and poignant "light bulb" moment that to say that it wouldn't be "fair" to bring another child into the world who might be disabled was as if I was saying "it is better for you to never have been born that to be born and have a disability." And then I looked at my daughter, full of life, and I ask myself "Would it have been better for her to have never been born than to have the special needs she has?" and my answer was an unequivical no. I can't imagine her ever turning to me and saying "mom, life is too hard, I wish I died in the hospital or was never born." This life is the only one she has and she is happy with it. Being disabled doesn't mean that life has less meaning. And that took a huge weight off my shoulders and I had total peace about the decision. We had my son, who thankfully was born full term, though my pregnancy did have some complications that required bedrest. He is a complete joy and watching the relationship between the two of them has been such a joy to me.

I don't mean this to come across as lecturing or preachy at all. :grouphug: It is such a personal decision and there is nothing wrong at all if you decide that you just don't want to have another child. :grouphug:

ANother option to look into, if you are worried about ASD, is adoption. We decided on adoption for our third child, because we felt God was calling us down that route and had chosen a child that was waiting for us. We are adding another girl to the family who is six months older than my son and we are only a couple of months from bringing her home. We went with a slightly older waiting child, but it is possible to adopt children from the newborn stage on up. It might be an avenue to pursue that could ease your mind about the genetic ADS possibilities and yet still give you the chance to add to your family.

[DisneyPhD]

rjthkids, :grouphug: :grouphug:

You are a wonderful parent with an amazing family! Your DD sounds just precious. I think it sounds like a case where as a parent you find your child has a lot to teach you. :cheer2:

Anyway thank you for your post. Here is to you and your family! :cheer2: :goodvibes

[PrincessasMommy]

Had to write because I have been there too......

My oldest is not autistic but she does have Albinism and is legally blind. She was in and out of hospitals for the first 2 years of her life and now has special help and equipment for home and school. Her life is challenging at times for both of us. Her condition is genetic and we have a 1 in 4 chance of passing it on to future children.

We decided it best to wait to have more children to accumulate more $ as she does require expensive equipment and if another child had the same problems we would need more money. And we wanted to move to the suburbs so that we would have the opportunity for me to stay at home if she needed in future years.

We waited until Cassandra was 6 to get pregnant and we had a healthy baby girl, she came out so pink and perfect that it scared me. I was so used to the nurses, tubes and monitors I was shocked that they left this tiny baby alone with me! She was such a good baby that I got pregnant again quickly so that I would have 2 close in age, 17 months later our 3rd daughter, again perfectly healthy was born.

Before the 2 little girls, we saw a genetic counselor and discussed our family at length and we decided that if Cassandra was our worst case scenario - we should Thank God! We have her seen at Sick Kids in Toronto; we are so fortunate that despite her problems, we ALWAYS get to walk out WITH her walking next to us - alot of parents aren't so lucky.

It took me a long time to get used to the fact that I might be bringing a legally or totally blind baby with high skin cancer risks into this world, a baby that is physically different that gets taunted and teased at school. But, I love her too much to not have done it; we don't see her differences because to us she is perfect. She is alot of work and it's emotionally draining to deal with kids teasing her, it's sad and upsets us both but together we are strong and she knows that I always have her side and will protect her and together we deal with everything.

There are no guarantees, our 2nd perfectly healthy baby had a febrile seizure at 10 months, they lost her pulse in the ambulance en route to the hospital and she spent 5 days in there with IV's due to E. Coli infection as she was found to have a kidney disorder which requires daily medication and frequent hospital admissions - totally unrelated and not genetic. She too is seen at Sick Kids now - we see 4 specialists for 2 kids in 1 day twice a year for 2 totally different conditions - it's ironic.

Now, let me tell you that all any of us say will not make you worry less while pregnant - I was a basket case everyday while pregnant! I wish you all the best with your decision. Make sure you decide what's best for you - if you know you couldn't possibly handle 2 autistic kids - then don't do it. If you are just scared but know you could/would do it if that's the outcome then you have your answer. I am a type A personality over-acheiver, I never sit, sleep 5 hours a night and am always busy with some cause/kid/activity; I am even thinking of 1 more despite everything. Maybe my 1 in 4 chance will be how my kids turn out? ;)

Good Luck!

[JohnnySharp2]

Our only son is Autistic.

He is a perfectly happy/bonny/playful lad but just cannot talk and has learning difficulties.

My wife is 40 and desperate for another child, however, we have doubts about whether we could cope with a secind child, especially as both of us work full time also.

It is difficult, thinking about the future and what will happen to Joshua later on in his life, we are just trying to make sure he enjoys himself whilsthe is young - hence our trips to Florida each year.

We have considered Adoption but at the moment we are not sure - I do understand what you mean though.

[mbb]

thanks everyone for sharing your wonderfully poignant, life-giving reflections...

It's so good to know we're "not alone"!:)

:sunny:

[eternaldisneyfan]

I think that you should ponder and pray...Here is my experience. My older brother is perfectly healthy. I have tons of physical problems (Muscular, Orthopedic, Respiratory, GI, nerve). My younger sister was born with the same disease as me (a bit milder). Our relationship is very close b/c we can really relate...Sometimes life is hard, but we always manage. Disabled or healthy, children are gifts :)

Christamae

[mikkiwikki]

I had to share my story in light of your dilema.

My hubby & I were married in 1999 and three months later I conceived my son (wasted no time!) Aidan was born april of 2000..and was an amazingly beautiful baby with long eyelashes, and a cherub like glow. We just moved into our first home when he was around 8 months old, and I thought I was in heaven. Hubby I loved, beautiful home, loved my job...and my gorgeous son.

Little did I know the next shoe was about to drop.

Similar to LEISE (post above) Aidan had just turned two ..and around that time I discovered I was pregnant with Baby #2. Then....at 2 1/2...after persisting that something was not right....we finally had the dreaded diagosis for Aidan.

I remember vividly...very very vividly....being 8 months pregnant....and hearing those words ....'your son is on the autistic spectrum' ....and I just about wanted to jump off a bridge. Clearly - if my 2nd baby was going to have issues, there was no turning back at that point. Needless to say...we watched baby Sandy like a hawk from the moment she was born...until she started talking a mile a minute. She has been my sons best confidant, and social skills advisor. The two even have a language I dont understand, and are very very close.

Its a very difficult decision, but I really am glad we had my daughter. She really has been his very best teacher, in social skills, speech, and the like.
No therapist has done for my son, what she has done. I would say consider carefully...I think the chance of having a second asd child is like 4% (??)...so if your LUCKY you might have a second. :goodvibes (however - given they dont really have the gene identified that is a rough guess at best).

[disneydenisel]

I've also been there, done that.

First child was 27 months when we had her evaluated. I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my second and nauseous all the time. The assessment team told us that they would schedule a psychologist to see our daughter and when we asked them what they thought, they said "probably PDD/Autism." We just stood there. I spent the next week scouring the Internet, crying, and throwing up. Had we known 8 weeks earlier, I'm sure that there would have been no way we would have even tried to get pregnant again.

It was a difficult pregnancy only because I was stressed out and driving my daughter to and from speech therapy a lot. Many times, I wished that I wasn't pregnant. Then I felt guilty.

My son was born and seemed fine until 15 months when regression took over and he lost his words, pointing and eye contact. A calm panic set in, and we began all the same therapies with him right away.

We've spent a fortune on both kids' therapy and it has pretty much taken over our lives. The kids are 6 and 3 now and mainstreamed (with aides) and doing better than we could have expected, but we are financially burdened. I often comment on how much easier it would be with one, and how I could devote more time to her therapy and totally focus on her challenges.

But our little guy is a joy and further along than my daughter. I know that some day they will be good friends. We have our "normal" moments when I am glad to have two and I have many moments when I wish I had one or none. My daughter wanted to be a palm tree for Halloween and my son refused to be anything. When I finished her costume the night before trick-or-treating, my son saw it and decided that he wanted to be a palm tree too. So I rushed to make another costume and our two trees had the most perfect Halloween ever.

My advice is to go with what your heart wants. You will be able to handle whatever gets thrown your way! Plus, you already have a ton of experience with one special needs child. Good luck!

[ducklite]

Have you thought about adopting?

Only you can make such a life altering decision, but I'm wondering if adoption might be something to consider for a multitude of reasons.

Anne

[Katerbug]

My situation is similiar to others who have responded in that I found out my DS has autism after I was already pregnant for my DD. But we always said we would like to have a third child but never did because we were scared of having another child with autism and I was devoting so much time to a 3 yr old with autism and a 1 yr old typical child that I was afraid I would not have enough time to give everyone all of the attention that they needed and deserved. Well my kids are now 9 and 7 and I wish we did have that third child. I suppose we still could but that would mean buying all new baby items as I had given everything away already. I figure if God wants me to have another child, he will give it to me no matter what.
Hopefully everyones advise will give you all of the points that you need to consider and you and your husband can make the decision that is right for you. :flower:

[roseprincess]

Just responding to the OP, if you are a praying person, you and your dh should pray about the situation of having another child.

In my case, I have 8 and a half year old twins , both are special needs.
My dd was born with a complex congenital heart defect, had 3 open heart surgeries already. My ds(the other twin) was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 22 months old. the PDD-NOS diagnosis didn't bother me so much because I was so focused on dd and her medical needs for the first 3-4 yrs. of life for both of them. I was basically going from one crisis to another the first 3 yrs. of life for dd and I had health problems as well at the time. Thank God, I had Early Intervention started right after both dd and ds had been evaluated for EI.
Speech, OT, and a school social worker came to my home for a good yr. until the twins turned 3. Then they started Early Childhood preschool at age 3. My twins had Speech, OT, and PT during EC. Social worker kept doing home visits with me. She was a very positive person in my life. she told me it was great that my dd was able to get in my son's face and get his attention, or he might be worse then he was with the autism. My ds also had Floortime therapy with autistic specialists thru our school district.
Now, my dd and ds are mainstreamed in 3rd grade. My dd has a teacher's aide with her in class. My ds is in the Gifted program at school and is very verbal!
For me and dh, it was quite crazy when the kids were very small. And we didn't have much emotional support from either of our parents(my kid's grandparents on both sides of the family). They don't seem to want to understand what we went thru and just wasn't there much to help babysit, etc. Even tho both sides of hte family live somewhat close to us.
Yes, we went thru alot, like everyone here, and we survived!!!
If it were not for our church family and people in our school dist., I don't know what we would have done.
And I do know of other families that live in my school dist. that have other younger children besides their autistic or special needs child. I actually know of a family that has 5 kids, one of the children has CP or MD(Muscular Distrophy) and the other child is autistic, plus she has 3 other typical kids! I don't know how they do it, but I know her parents help out quite a bit, since I think her dh travels for work.

If you plan on having more children, I suggest having a good support system of family or friends that can help out whenever you may need help. You just never know what life brings you( in a positive way)!

Best wishes on you and dh's decision! :wizard:

Rosemarie :flower:

[AngelicButterfly]

Hi I'm new here. I can understand your dilema completely. I have an 11 year old daugher who had PDD/NOS. She's sort of boarders on Ashberger's as well. It goes to show you everyone is so different. Her behaviour is usually very hyper, defient etc.... I also have 2 more children that are "normal" ( whatever normal is ). What a hard descion is was to have another, I had to wait untill I was absolutely ready, emotionaly and physcially incase the next child had Autisim as well. Thankfully he didn't. Good luck no matter what you choose !

[AngelicButterfly]

Hi I'm new here. I can understand your dilema completely. I have an 11 year old daugher who had PDD/NOS. She's sort of boarders on Ashberger's as well. It goes to show you everyone is so different. Her behaviour is usually very hyper, defient etc.... I also have 2 more children that are "normal" ( whatever normal is ). What a hard descion is was to have another, I had to wait untill I was absolutely ready, emotionaly and physcially incase the next child had Autisim as well. Thankfully he didn't. Good luck no matter what you choose ![/
:earsboy:

[PaulaSue]

I know 2 families.

One has 3 kids and middle is autistic.

One has 2 kids and both are autistic.

Good Luck with your choice!!!

[Dina]

My son has sensory integration (autism spectrum), though they are thinking about screening him again for autism now. I actually didn't find out until he was 3, so I already had my second. My second really doesn't seem to exhibit any signs of it. Though, I'll be honest, the only reason we're not having a 3rd is financial reasons. Being an only child, I think siblings are such an enormous gift. I honestly think one of the most wonderful things you can do for a child is give him/her a sibling. I do understand how difficult it is though, Aidan's tantrum were soooo tough, so you have to do what's best for your family, and of course if having another would drive you over the edge emotionally and physically (I lost a bit of my patience with Aidan when my second was born-- at the time I didn't realize he had a problem), then that's of course even worse for your child, then having him/her be an only child. But, if you think you can handle it... there's nothing in the world I would have liked more, while growing up, then to have had a sibling.

[twojo21]

i personally wouldnt.

[Brightsy]

I have two kids, both boys. My older son is 6 yrs. and has ADHD. (Runs in the family so I was more than prepped for it.) My younger son just turned 4 and was diagnosed with Autism when he was 28 months old. (or thereabouts)
My DH and I discussed the issue, and still do now and then, about a third child.
We've pretty much decided against it. We feel it's kind of selfish of us to bring a child into the world knowing the difficulties he/she might face. To us it seems that there's a progression here... oldest w/ ADHD, younger with ASD (albeit high functioning and poss. gifted), knowing our luck a third child would likely have even worse issues.
Plus these boys of our take so much energy and time to raise we're afraid that another child might cause someone to lose out. I am not sure I've got what it takes to mother 3 kids with special needs. So, we've opted not to try to have anymore kids. But neither have we taken "permanent" measures against it. So for us there's still a small element of chance.

Sara

[Maryr1]

I too have struggled with this. My DD8 is ADHD.CAPD, ODD. We adopted her at birth.(I note that because it has been mentioned that adoption is an option-however it is very possible to adopt a child with these issues too). I am now 45 and feel it is too late to try to adopt a second child. My daughter is mainstreamed at school with an aide, but only because we have her in a private school. The local public school would have her in a 12:1:1 "skills" class if she was there.DD is also developementally delayed-emotionally she is about a 5 Y.O.I am very worried that when I am gone she will have nobody to look after her. That being said I also watched my mother look after her disabled brother(who lived in a group home). After he passed away (at the age of 75) I took my mother on vacation and she mentioned in passing that it was the first time in her adult life that she had gone on vacation and not worried about her brother passing or being ill or something. My mother was 78 at the time. So, I see both sides and still have no comfort zone on this topic.I keep my affairs in order and have a guardian for my daughter and TONS of insurance etc. to care for her, but still the thought of her alone is scary. The thought of giving a sibling a lifelong responsibility is not easy either. I am very glad we can share here-it is hard to go this road alone!

[HayGan]

I can relate to many of the stories/experiences posted here.

My DS#1 (5) is diagnosed as PDD-NOS. He and DS#2 are 20 months apart. We started noticing signs of DS#1's regression shortly before DS#2 was born. He wasn't officially diagnosed as being in the spectrum until he was 3 1/2 but did recieve EI from the age of 2 1/2. He has made so much progress in the past three years and I think that having his brother so close in age has helped him tremendously! They have been reaching developmental milestones together and are best friends. It hasn't been all roses and although DS#2 is not in the spectrum, he has had delays which we believe can be attributed to modeling his brother (mainly speech.) Despite that, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that the decision to have additional children is hard for anyone but especially those with children with special needs. You never know what you are going to get with a natural or adopted child. I think that you have to evaluate your own situation and how you could handle an additional child whether they have special needs or not.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision as the decision to bring another life into this world is never an easy one!

[kdtwiss]

But - I have to say a few things. My first born child is autistic, he also has 3 younger siblings. It was scary as heck being pregnant with my second child - wondering and worrying all the time. I watched him so carefully when he was first born, and truthfully I remember when he was about a month old thinking - if he is going to be autistic he is going to be much worse than Keannor. My oldest had been an absolute joy as an infant - smiled at me the day he was born, not his little brother. He was just a grumpy serious little thing. He did not smile at all for about 2 months. I did nothing different with him - I breastfed, coslept and carried both of them pretty much 24/7. Here is the difference though. When my oldest was a baby,during labor I had Pitocin and an epidural then he had his Hep B shot at the hospital. My feeling is that the Pitocin probably taxed his liver causing him to not only be jaundiced but not to be able to rid his tiny little body of the mercury in that shot. Then his 2 month shots and 4 months shots with bad reactions (in my opinion- doc thought he was fine) but it was enough that I switched doctors and ended vaccinating him. I feel blessed that I did that as I feel it contributed somewhat to him doing fairly well with language,and social ties. He does pretty well. When he was diagnosed at 2.9 years as ASD, I started my research on vaccines. The thinking at the time was that the DPT shot (which is different from the DTaP shot given now) was possibly to blame.Because I wanted to be sure I did absolutely everything to avoid WHATEVER it could have been that caused my son to be autistic I went to a midwife/birth center for all my other children and had no pain drugs whatsoever (a very scary decision given my first labor)
when my second child was born I allowed him to get the HepB shot at birth, and the Hib shot at 2 and 4 months. It was then that my second son really began to worry me with his lack of interest or joy I had seen in my oldest. I started researching like crazy and to my dismay - it was not just the DPT that was thought then to be the trigger - but the mercury in the shots. I discontinued vaccinating him at that point. I again feel blessed to have found this information, as I just feel so strongly his path would have been so terribly different form the one he is on now. He is not autistic, but has had some sensory issues especially wrt eating. He has some OCD tendencies and is socially very awkward. He is however just brilliant and a little love to me, it is very difficult for him to be affectionate with others. He only began being able to hug me when he was about 5. My next child was a girl - no vaccines - no issues (aside from being extremely willful!) and my last- a little boy no shots and only slight OCD issues. No social or sensory problems.
What I have taken from my experience (and mine only) is that it seems likely the reason boys are more likely to be autistic than girls is that they simply most likely have more factors predisposing them to be sensitive to whatever enviornmental factors come into play. Research actually does show testosterone inhibits the excretion of mercury, while estogen seems to have a beneficial effect. I have three boys all with the predisposition for ASD , my oldest with the most triggers (shots and possible exposure to mercury via breastmilk and prolonged nursing) got it the worst, my next - same predispostion, but fewer triggers, sensory and social isuues, my last even fewer triggers - only very slight OCD issues. My girl who just does not have that predispostion is unaffected.
The reason I write all this instead of just saying you should or should not try for another child is this _ i truly believe autism can ALMOST always be PREVENTED. I believe with ASD in the family - even in the extended family one needs to be super cautious with mercury exposure, and also allergies in infancy, which can also be involved with ASD. I would research like crazy all the time the theories of the causes of autism - and do not dismiss anything - you can not be too cautious when a child's life is concerned. If you will be breastfeeding and have mercury fillings - I would find a reputable dentist who will carefully remove and replace those fillings and then wait a good long while (not sure what is recommended) before trying to conceive. I would avoid drugs if at all possible during labor. I am not saying that the drugs given during labor cause autism, I just feel that it may get the ball rolling in the wrong direction. None of my other children were jaundiced. It is my opinion that then drugs do tax the baby's liver - which seems to make perfect sense. A taxed liver is less likely to be able to keep up with what it needs to do causing the baby to become jaundiced. The jaundice further taxes the liver and then we introduce mercury or even a vaccine in general at that point? How can we not expect something to happen? Anyway off my soap box -
having younger siblings has been such a blessing for Keannor - other children would not put in the time and effort to draw him out - they do . Some ASD kids need to be literally forced to play with others - who else but a sibling will do that? Who else will shower an older sibling with love and attention even when he thinks he does not want it? My son has learned more from his daily life with his siblings about how to play, learn and even be naughty (which he finds terribly amusing) than he could ever learn at school. I could not imagine his life (nor mine ) without them. I wish you the absolute best of luck in whatever you decide. I hope noone is offended by anything I have said -

editing to add -
my oldest son is 12 now, I just thought that may be important - I know some people feel the vaccine thing is just something some people cling onto when they hear it so they have a REASON for what happened to their child. I knew 12 years ago the shots did something to him - I just did not know what. Research is only now beginning to bear that out...
California autism rates have declined for their first time in over a decade. Just one positive thing!

[minkydog]

This is a hard decision, one i'm sure you & your DH are taking very seriously. I have three kids. The youngest is severely autistic,but our oldest has by far been the most troublesome(Thankfully DD12 is normal.) He is bipolar and his ups are fantastic, but his downs are deadly. Autism has been a piece of cake in comparison. However difficult oldest DS has been(and he is really a wonderful child) I have never regretted having him nor the other two. We felt that if we could deal with it the first time, we could deal with it again. And we have.

Only you know what your limits are. And it's okay to say no. My DH did, after #3. I wanted more, but we were in our 40's and DH just felt like he was at the limit. As it turns out, he was a wise man. He became disabled 2 years ago(age 47!) and now i'm the primary caregiver. One more child would put me over the edge.
D

[mbb]

But - I have to say a few things. My first born child is autistic, he also has 3 younger siblings. It was scary as heck being pregnant with my second child - wondering and worrying all the time. I watched him so carefully when he was first born, and truthfully I remember when he was about a month old thinking - if he is going to be autistic he is going to be much worse than Keannor. My oldest had been an absolute joy as an infant - smiled at me the day he was born, not his little brother. He was just a grumpy serious little thing. He did not smile at all for about 2 months. I did nothing different with him - I breastfed, coslept and carried both of them pretty much 24/7. Here is the difference though. When my oldest was a baby,during labor I had Pitocin and an epidural then he had his Hep B shot at the hospital. My feeling is that the Pitocin probably taxed his liver causing him to not only be jaundiced but not to be able to rid his tiny little body of the mercury in that shot. Then his 2 month shots and 4 months shots with bad reactions (in my opinion- doc thought he was fine) but it was enough that I switched doctors and ended vaccinating him. I feel blessed that I did that as I feel it contributed somewhat to him doing fairly well with language,and social ties. He does pretty well. When he was diagnosed at 2.9 years as ASD, I started my research on vaccines. The thinking at the time was that the DPT shot (which is different from the DTaP shot given now) was possibly to blame.Because I wanted to be sure I did absolutely everything to avoid WHATEVER it could have been that caused my son to be autistic I went to a midwife/birth center for all my other children and had no pain drugs whatsoever (a very scary decision given my first labor)
when my second child was born I allowed him to get the HepB shot at birth, and the Hib shot at 2 and 4 months. It was then that my second son really began to worry me with his lack of interest or joy I had seen in my oldest. I started researching like crazy and to my dismay - it was not just the DPT that was thought then to be the trigger - but the mercury in the shots. I discontinued vaccinating him at that point. I again feel blessed to have found this information, as I just feel so strongly his path would have been so terribly different form the one he is on now. He is not autistic, but has had some sensory issues especially wrt eating. He has some OCD tendencies and is socially very awkward. He is however just brilliant and a little love to me, it is very difficult for him to be affectionate with others. He only began being able to hug me when he was about 5. My next child was a girl - no vaccines - no issues (aside from being extremely willful!) and my last- a little boy no shots and only slight OCD issues. No social or sensory problems.
What I have taken from my experience (and mine only) is that it seems likely the reason boys are more likely to be autistic than girls is that they simply most likely have more factors predisposing them to be sensitive to whatever enviornmental factors come into play. Research actually does show testosterone inhibits the excretion of mercury, while estogen seems to have a beneficial effect. I have three boys all with the predisposition for ASD , my oldest with the most triggers (shots and possible exposure to mercury via breastmilk and prolonged nursing) got it the worst, my next - same predispostion, but fewer triggers, sensory and social isuues, my last even fewer triggers - only very slight OCD issues. My girl who just does not have that predispostion is unaffected.
The reason I write all this instead of just saying you should or should not try for another child is this _ i truly believe autism can ALMOST always be PREVENTED. I believe with ASD in the family - even in the extended family one needs to be super cautious with mercury exposure, and also allergies in infancy, which can also be involved with ASD. I would research like crazy all the time the theories of the causes of autism - and do not dismiss anything - you can not be too cautious when a child's life is concerned. If you will be breastfeeding and have mercury fillings - I would find a reputable dentist who will carefully remove and replace those fillings and then wait a good long while (not sure what is recommended) before trying to conceive. I would avoid drugs if at all possible during labor. I am not saying that the drugs given during labor cause autism, I just feel that it may get the ball rolling in the wrong direction. None of my other children were jaundiced. It is my opinion that then drugs do tax the baby's liver - which seems to make perfect sense. A taxed liver is less likely to be able to keep up with what it needs to do causing the baby to become jaundiced. The jaundice further taxes the liver and then we introduce mercury or even a vaccine in general at that point? How can we not expect something to happen? Anyway off my soap box -
having younger siblings has been such a blessing for Keannor - other children would not put in the time and effort to draw him out - they do . Some ASD kids need to be literally forced to play with others - who else but a sibling will do that? Who else will shower an older sibling with love and attention even when he thinks he does not want it? My son has learned more from his daily life with his siblings about how to play, learn and even be naughty (which he finds terribly amusing) than he could ever learn at school. I could not imagine his life (nor mine ) without them. I wish you the absolute best of luck in whatever you decide. I hope noone is offended by anything I have said -

editing to add -
my oldest son is 12 now, I just thought that may be important - I know some people feel the vaccine thing is just something some people cling onto when they hear it so they have a REASON for what happened to their child. I knew 12 years ago the shots did something to him - I just did not know what. Research is only now beginning to bear that out...
California autism rates have declined for their first time in over a decade. Just one positive thing!

No flames here, ktdwiss:)

Just a thanks for a very well thought, and well expressed post...and I agree, we don't know. (Pitocin, bili-lights, we had it all with our boys.) Hopefully, someday, we will know...

I do feel that it is important to speak to - and a little OT:) - the risk/benefit ratio regarding vaccinations...Thimerosol, ie, mercury, has not been used in vaccinations in Canada for the last twenty years, and our ASD rates continue to rise...but other life threatening diseases, ie tuberculosis, mumps, rubella, etc..have been virtually eradicated.

Again, there's just too much yet to learn.

Please, I'm not responding to start a vaccination/non vaccination discussion. Just another point..and I hope I don't offend either.:)

Too hard being a parent, somedays, to engage in discord with other parents that we want to support, and listen to. Especially when they take a child's life as seriously as we do:)

:sunny:

[SueM in MN]

Edited because my first sentence had both groups of people OVER the age of 30 - it should be this way:

Most people UNDER the age of 30 have never heard of Mercurochrome, but most people over the age of 30 were exposed to it frequently.

It was an over the counter antiseptic that most people had in their medicine chest since the 1930s. I remember being happy when I would get a cut or scrape because that meant I got to use some mercurochrome. It kind of stung, but the cool thing about it was the little dropper that you put it on with and the orange-red color of it. Until your mom made you stop, you could draw all over your body with it. The active ingredient in it was mercury, so it isn't on the market any more. But, most people over the age of 30 were exposed to quite a bit of mercury - and we got it right into our bloodstreams by painting the mercurochrome right onto the broken skin. Here's an interesting article about Mercurochrome. (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/040723.html)

PS. We also played with mercury when thermometers broke; now hospitals are have all non-mercury thermometers and if a thermometer breaks somewhere - it is considered a toxic spill.

[minkydog]

Most people over the age of 30 have never heard of Mercurochrome, but most people over the age of 30 were exposed to it frequently.

It was an over the counter antiseptic that most people had in their medicine chest since the 1930s. I remember being happy when I would get a cut or scrape because that meant I got to use some mercurochrome. It kind of stung, but the cool thing about it was the little dropper that you put it on with and the orange-red color of it. Until your mom made you stop, you could draw all over your body with it. The active ingredient in it was mercury, so it isn't on the market any more. But, most people over the age of 30 were exposed to quite a bit of mercury - and we got it right into our bloodstreams by painting the mercurochrome right onto the broken skin. Here's an interesting article about Mercurochrome. (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/040723.html)

PS. We also played with mercury when thermometers broke; now hospitals are have all non-mercury thermometers and if a thermometer breaks somewhere - it is considered a toxic spill.

Good point--we loved mercurochrome in our family too. My mom would paint it on the back of our throats to cure strep throat :earseek:

In high school one of the girls in my Chemistry class got her hands on some spilled mercury and proceeded to rub it into her class ring, turning it from gold to silver. Cool trick! Except that mercury is poisonous.

[JenJen]

kdtwiss
I agree with you 100% there are families that have more of a tendency towards autistic spectrum disorders that can avoid certain environmental irritants. I am not saying that in can always be prevented because not all families know when it is going to happen but if there is a family history wait to your children are older to get vaccinated. Everythime my DS was vaccinated his condition became worse especially after his MMRI.

[Poohnatic]

Tracy,

I haven't read the other replies, but wanted to be one of probably many to tell you that not every child you have will be autistic.

Older son had not been diagnosed when we became pregnant with younger son (in fact, it took almost 3 years after that until we found out he had Asperger's). I am so glad we had another. The boys are 3 years and 3 months apart, and now that they are both school age, they have common interests.

Kevin, at 6, tends to be the trailblazer for his older brother. In many respects, they are polar opposites-and I think that this is a good thing. Kevin's examples and social interaction with his peers have definitely helped Neil. Sometimes it's harder when mom and dad are telling you what to do and how to do it, but watch his brother and it seems easier.

As they get older, it seems like the fighting centers on Kevin beating Neil on his beloved video games! Normal stuff, that's for sure. Another poster stated that the other child seemed to get an extra helping of social skills-that's my younger son to a T.

The decision to not have more had more to do with me being at high risk for DVT and blood clots during pregnancy, rather than having a child on the spectrum. I would have gladly had a third if it did involve mega doses of blood thinners and weekly doctor's appointments.

Hang in there. Whatever you decide, know that you can get good support here.

Suzanne

[FionaLovesShrek]

Hi, I just wanted to add that the decision is so very personal and the what-if's are always going to be there. My brother and sis-in-law have one child 7, who is autistic. They also have 2 older children who are not. They spent a lot of time deciding whether or not to have another child. What they wanted, was another sibling to help care for and be there for their autistic son, when they are gone. They chose to have another child. They now have a beautiful little girl. I think it was brave of them to want more for their son and to want to share their love with another child, not knowing if they might have another autistic child. At this point, they are so happy with their decision and that little girl has just lit up the family. Only you and your spouse know what is right for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Bugsmom73]

We are in the same boat but have tabled the discussion until Sept of next year. DS has just been dx with SID, and he is not autistic. He is far too social for that and that is a direct quote from our developmental pedi who received no less than 5 kisses during an 1.5 hour session. DD 4 is neurotypical but she does have some sensory issues, as we all do.

[DAG]

I don't know if this was mentioned, but our son's developmental pediatrician told us that chromosome analysis and fragile X testing might help to determine the likelihood of having another autistic child.

So far, we have one child and have thought about having another.

Happy Holidays

[wide awake]

My DS is 15...we would have had another child but DS was diagnosed before I got pregnant. I am firmly in the autism caused by mercury camp, actually I think of it as mercury poisoining, not Autism...I've met exactly one child in the last 12 years that matched Kanner's group of kids...DS was not autistic at birth. I am glad we do not have other children...we've done everything...Lovaas, Floortime, and now biomed...it is all expensive and time consuming, and I can't imagine the stress of giving another child 2nd best just because they were normal...or having them to watch after DS when DH and I are gone...talk about lifelong sentence !!! DS is doing well, that normal boy is still in there, and I have every hope that he will come back to us...but his battles take everything I have.

[riu girl]

his battles take everything I have.[/QUOTE]


I fully agree with the above statement. After having DD and trying to help her with her challenges the first few years, I thought there would be no way I would ever have enough to give to another child. I honestly thought it would not be fair to DD to have another baby.

But then, an ooops happened and we had another DS. Watching them play together now, I couldn't imagine NOT having baby #2. They are best friends. But I think in our situation, her challenges/difficulties have decreased substantially over the years so this makes things so much easier also.

Good luck with your decision, it is definately a difficult decision to make.

[Chris's Dad]

We faced virtually the same experience and now have a 6-year-old son with PDD-NOS and a 2.5-year-old daughter (without any delays; born when my wife was 37).

My son has improved his interactions with others and his communication skills through playing with my daughter. They do everything together. I hope that her continuously improving language skills will continue to advance his (and perhaps her toileting skills, too). And they will be taking their first trip to WDW in January.

In the end, having another child was the best decision and result for all of us -- but not knowing that outcome ahead of time was cause for our, and your, concern. On reflection, I would still make the same decision again.

Best wishes with your difficult decision.

[jennw26]

You have a tough decision. My 3 1/2 year old autistic son is SO much better off because he has an 8 yr. old sister. She makes his life wonderful, yet he makes her life more challenging. I also understand how powerfull the "clock ticking" thing is for us since we (women) can't have children forever. All I can say is, you are not alone. I would love to have another baby, but I am also afraid. If only babies didn't smell so great and have such adorable toes, this would be an easy decision!

[puppypwr68]

My son is 6 years old, ADHD, Sensory Intergration & some ODD. He is quite the handful. My daughter is 3 1/2 years old with no issues at all. It is the luck of the draw. My husband had to talk me into having a second because I was so overwhelmed with our son. I am so glad he did. Good luck!

[MBW]

And two completely neurtotypical girls. Both boys with AS have the regressive form.

I was pregnant with DS2 when DS1 developed a latent measles infection an ensuing encephalopathy from his MMR, so that had no impact on our decision to have another just then (though it certainly effected our use of combined MMR subsequently.) DS2 developed autism after being heavy metal poisoned (lead) and then his chelation was severely botched by the hospital, leading to two month stay for sepsis (x2).

Our decision to have a fourth child was based on our future children's needs, not our's as parents. As we were older parents, we knew our eldest DD would someday be responsible for her younger brothers. We decided to give her the gift of a neurologically typical sibling, to support her and help share the load (and joys) of the large responsibility she would carry throughout her life. Knowing that autism is four times as prevalent in boys, we actively "tried" for a girl, and were successful (I think if we were to do it again, I'd go the in-vitro route, to be 100% sure, and to rule out any other defects prior to implantation (I'm not a good candidate for invasive testing such as amnio or CVS due to extreme uterine irritability.))

Our youngest DD is even more NT than her eldest sister. I'm pretty she's going to be President someday. ;)

I don't think we're PollyAnnas, but with lots of intervention and social services supports (and an up-to-date prescription of Wellbutrin for me ;)), we've tried to make the best of our lot and live life as "normally" as possible. We travel (in fact, just spent six month on the road researching a book on travelling with autistic kids), make sure we have adequate respite for ourselves and our NT kids, and do as much as we can together as a family. We don't allow our NT kids to feel "put upon" or embarrassed of their brothers; if they have friends over, the friends just have to deal with the fact Jonah hates most clothes and Sam wants to join in with nearly everthing his sister does.

For the OP, good luck with your decision. Other than the days we're looking for any passing Gypsy caravan on which to drop her, we thank our lucky stars for our youngest, and never regret our decision. And someday, her big sister will thank us too ;).

[jennw26]

I am having my son evaluated by Yale. I was reading their website, and here is what they say:

Question:
If I have one child with autism, what are my chances of having another child with autism?

Current data suggest that the likelihood of having a child with autism if the biological parents already have one child with autism is at least 1/20. This rate may be an underestimate, given that many families with one autistic child will stop having children due to stress or the fear of having another child with the disorder.

What I take from this is you probably won't have another autistic child.(Unless you have 20 more children, then you are on your own!) However, the stress of the situation is very real.
I hope that helps! Jen