I'm Sad.... its over!

[mishtb]

Our wedding is a little more than a month away. I got home last night with a phone call from my DH that he doesn't want to get married at Disney anymore. Because supposibly we don't have the money for it, his parents can't afford it and know his grandmother and aunt want to go but they can not afford it. I have paid for everything. I even made all the favors Disney themed orniments, personalized candles even just finished making our wedding programs. On top of it all I have been sick lately and still have been working over 50 hrs a week so we would have spending money there (since his job does not offer overtime). My best friend & her fiance already booked and paid for their airfare/hotel/tkts.

I am so pissed off at his family... his parents make good money. They have known about this for months now. Before we even booked it I asked and showed everyone how much it would cost for them to go and asked if they could do it.... if they said no then we would have looked at other options but they said they could and seemed excited about it. Now they don't have the money to go, plus they offered to pay 1000 for the wedding. It's pretty amusing, his mother doesn't have the money to go to her son's wedding or help pay for his college ---- but she pays her other son's tuition, his book fees, she bought a new living room set about 5 months ago and just 2 weeks ago she bought a $1,800 kitchen set. And the funny thing is he thinks I am being selfish about this whole thing. He doesn't want to get married if his family can't be there, so now Disney is not an option.

Prior to this I wanted to have the wedding back up in Boston (all my family, and his fathers family, and both of our friends are there). It would have been easier since only his parents and a few friends would have to fly from Dallas to Boston for the Wedding. But he didn't want to do that since it was too expensive, plus his mother kept pushing and pushing to have it at her house outside. Not for nothing I like Dallas, but no way am I having a wedding in her yard with horse crap everywhere.

So now with only a month I have to hope we can get our money back- hope my bestfriend will still be my friend after this, and hope to find a place to get married by Dec 3! I really am at a breaking pointe here, I told him if its money he's worried about - I don't want a reception or his mother to throw a shower in dallas for me. All I want to do is get married and I don't care if anyone is there. I told him if we do this - I will only do the wedding and the rest of the money I'm going to disney with my 2yr old and him for honeymoon and thats final. This really sux, this had to happend now - friday I am going to Boston for my bridal shower --- great timing huh!

[Tinkerbelle14]

Wow, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what advice to give. It does sound like your future MIL is trying to pull your fiance's strings though. I'm sorry!

[Mommy Poppins]

She is definitely trying to manipulate him--and apparently succeeding! Maybe have a quick civil ceremony in Dallas with his family before your trip and then go ahead to Disney and continue with your plans--and just do a vow renewal! Good luck with whatever you decide!

[fun2bmomof3]

Wow. I don't think I would be handling this as easy as you are. This is YOUR wedding, not hers. I agree with the above post that if they insist on seeing you get married.. do a quick, no frills civil ceremony and then go ahead with your disney plans with just dh, son, best friends, you and whoever else does go along.

If it was me, I would be afraid that if I gave up my dream wedding for my future mother in law I would deep down inside harbor resentment, which wouldn't be a good start. These are your memories that your creating. This day should be about you and him and no one else.
She is definately manipulating him. From your previous post about them not wanting to do parks, dh not wanting to hang out with them on your honeymoon, sounds like she is definately out to create problems.

I wish you luck.

crissy

[janine]

That's bad. I know what I would do if it were me. Doesn't it make you wonder how some people sleep at night?

I wish you all the best whatever you decide on.

[2BWEDDNDIS]

Wow, I can't even begin to imagine what I would do in this situation. With almost just a month to go and all that preparing and planning you have already done, it would just break my heart. I agree with all the other girls, remember this is YOUR wedding not your MIL, stay strong, and I wish you all the best.
I'm sure this new situation doesn't help much, but I hope you feel better soon.

[*DisneyBride*]

You are handling this much better than I ever would have. If everything is paid for I think your FDH should try and understand the situation. This is alot of money we're talking about. Have you pointed out to him about the new living room and kitchen set??? I would not give up on this. I know marriage it about compromise but this close to the wedding is a little much to be changing everything. i'm sorry to say but weddings really are about the bride. We're the ones that have imagined this day since we were little girls, not the guys. Having a civil ceremony in Dallas and then continuing with your Disney plans would be a good idea. They can't expect everyone else to change their plans just for them. They knew the deal when you started planning this. If you let her maniuplate the situation now, it will just get worse as time goes on. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but i'm kinda go through the same situation, in regard to a future mother-in-law that likes to control her baby (my fdh) who is the youngest of six. They're from a small town and never leave. So for them to travel to Disney is a huge deal, espeically coming from Canada. Now that's i've booked everything she's having second thoughts. I'm not backing down and my fdh is currently siding with me, but that could change any minute. Stay strong do what makes you happy, especially if everything is already paid for... play more of that card, it might work.

[Tinkerbelle14]

Ok, I've woken up, been to class and had time to think about it. If you want to avoid too much conflict, have the quicky wedding here and then vow renewal in Disney, but I think you shouldn't let her control your life (and the lives of others who have booked their trip down) and have the wedding of YOUR dreams. Try to get through to your fiance about the money she has spent recently and how they already agreed it wouldn't be too much money to make the trip down.
I hate to say it, but if you let her control this situation (and your fiance's opinion), she is just going to try and do it for everything else in your life. If you guys want to move, she'll have an opinion on the house you should get. I'd just hate to hear one day that you guys are having a baby and have decided on a hospital birth with just you and your husband and have her manipulate your husband into thinking this is a bad idea and that it should be at home with her there the whole time or insist that the baby should be named after her! If you don't stick up for what YOU want now, she is just going to feel as though she has more and more control over your life.

[mickeyfan2]

How about you go to Disney, get married and then have a vow renewal in MIL's yard.

[RangerPooh]

Sorry to hear that his family is doing that at the last minute. My in-laws did something similar and in the end we virtually paid there way which meant that we had to cut things from our wedding and honeymoon. Is there a way that you could do an intimate ceremony with those who will be attending and then have a small affair in Dallas?

[VSL]

Firstly Tinkerbelle14 - I have your avatar as a large A2-ish size sketch on my wall! (From that shop in DTD)

Secondly, to the OP - please don't you dare give up on your dream wedding! FMIL is manipulating the situation and she seems to be 'winning' as it were - don't let it happen. If she really is one of those witch MIL's then letting her have her way now will only pave the way for the future.

[Janet2k]

Mishtb, the others here have given you excellent advice. You need to sit down by yourself and go through all your options. Keep any negative emotion out of it. Once you have come up with at least two plans that you can live with, sit down with your future spouse and do the exact same thing. Keep all negative emotions out of it. When you have come up with a compromise that the two of you can live with, then move forward with it and do not listen to anyone else's opinion. You and your future spouse need to be able to completely back each other up on this, no waffling allowed. If waffling occurs, then you have the answer to your problem. It may not be an answer that you want to face, but it is better to find it out now before it is too late.

Marriage is about compromise. It is also about being able to trust in the other person when push comes to shove. You both have to choose who is the most important person in your life. I learned that valuable lesson from my father. He and my mother are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next month. You don't get to 50 years without learning quite a few lessons.

We're all here for you. If you need anything, just let us know. <<Hugs>>

[twojo21]

so sorry to hear that, id be devasted. hope it all works out, hug :grouphug: is he sure he wants to drop the disney wedding? i mean the only 3 people you really need are the bride, groom & officiant :goodvibes . this is your wedding day, no one elses so make sure the decision is you & your fi's not your fmil. are you an intimate or custom? either way i know you lose your deposit. as for others reservations i think if you call within 45 days you get your payment back not sure on the deposit though.

[Nicci]

I feel so sorry for you, we very nearly had a similar thing happen with us.
Coming from the UK one of my biggest fears was that id book the wedding & then as the time got nearer ppl would drop out.
The biggest problem we had was DH2B mother aswell. 1st she wasnt coming to wdw which hurt DH2B a lot but we invited another 2 guests to take her place, then all of a sudden out of spite when she heard id asked other ppl she announced she wanted to go after all knowing we would have to change from an intimate to a custom which was really pushing the boat out for us!! Lucky for us DH2B dad knows what his ex wife can be like & along with my parents offered to help us pay the $10,000 min. Then surprise surprise after she heard all this she then changed her mind again saying it was an "inconvenience" for her to go, & why would we want to take our children on honeymoon with us, and that my DH2B should grow up as he was to old for disney!! Im 28 & hes 35.
During this whole process i really wanted to give her a piece of my mind but i knew if i had done this she would have won & noway was i gonna let her get to me!! In the end I sat down with DH2B & told him how much i loved him & would marry him anywhere, in a rubbish tip if it came to it, but i was really hoping he wouldnt take me up on this :rotfl: , this was my dream, i was so lucky to find my soul mate in this crazy world & the only thing that would make me complete is to have my dream wedding in wdw. Dh2B was so moved he agreed to do it, i knew like me he was fed up of his mothers games but it was his mum and he was getting so much pressure from her he couldnt take it.
My very long winded point is that i have no doubt ur DH2B wants to give you your perfect day, & im sure hes not blind by his mothers unnecessary spending & manipulative ways, and is probably very hurt by it, but he just cant cope with it & thinks life would be so much easier just to cancel it. I really would just sit down & have a heart to heart with him, & suggest either going ahead with ur wedding in wdw & having a "blessing" back home, or a no fuss wedding in your home town, it doesnt have to be in MIL back garden if its not what you want but some where near so there is no excuse for her not to come, then have ur dream wedding in wdw but as a vow renewal instead that way everyone wins. :) :) :) :)

[rosiejo]

How about you go to Disney, get married and then have a vow renewal in MIL's yard.

I second that suggestion. I thought I was having trouble when by DH2Bs parent's pulled out of our wedding trip in August three months before the wedding but one month is just ridiculous! How can they be so mean?

We discussed cancelling out wedding but decided if we did there was no way we'd be able to afford to get married in the UK for at least 3 years and we don't want to do that anyway - so we're still having our DIsney wedding with my parents and both sets of siblings - his parents will miss out but that's their choice. I've not spoken to them since they told us mind - but that might have something to do with the fact that they owe us £400 in cancellation fees - some wedding present!!!

I hope it all works out for you - it's your day and you and your DH2B should do what will make you happiest - this is not the day for compromising on your dreams. :grouphug:

[mishtb]

First I want to thankyou all for your support and thoughts during this, as well for all your help these last few months. After talking it over -- all I want to do is get married, I don't care how/where/when. After stressing out for the past 3 1/2 yrs planning for a wedding in boston or dallas or disney.....I really just want to get married and get it done with. I explained to him about how they had over 6 months to plan/pay for this and her spending it else where than on her son's wedding. Now since we cancled disney and got "my money" back - his parents want to pay for a wedding here in Dallas/ FT Worth. They are going to pay for the ceremony/reception hall - small buffet, cake. They know someone who is a photographer so he will be taking the photos and know someone else who can DJ.
It just makes me mad that this wasn't brought up months ago - and they didn't have the money to go to disney -- but now they have the money to have it here in Dallas. This was because he wanted to "convience everyone", but in reality it only convienced his family and few of his friends. Now my father-inlaws family (vermont) and all my family/friends (Boston) only have about 2 wks to plan if they are going to be able to come or not. All I know is I got my $3,500 back and I am not spending a dime on the wedding here...... him and his family can. I'm gonna use my money to take our daughter to disney right after the wedding and use the rest on me!

[janine]

Michelle I am so sorry for you, after first reading your thread I couldn't stop thinking about you all night. I was hoping to hear good news today when I logged in, and I am sure everyone here thought the same too. I feel really sad for you.
She didn't star in that movie with the 101 dalmations did she, by any chance?

Best of luck
Janine

[fun2bmomof3]

Have you seen the movie Monster In-Law? If you haven't then go rent it soon and have a good laugh.

I'm so sorry your plans have all changed. That your inlaws are being that way, but most of all that your dh2b let it all happen.
I swear that I will never be like that with my sons or daughters either. I feel it is so sad when mothers act that way. That they still have to have control over their children even though they are adults. That they feel jealous of the love their children have for their new spouses rather than being happy that they found someone.

I whish you luck on your new wedding plans and your new life.

crissy

[952LisaR]

I'm so sorry, I truly feel for you. Definitely do lots of extras and specials things on your Disney Honeymoon, wear the bride and groom ears, do the honeymoon photo session, have a special dinner at the castle, CA Grille, V&A (use Fairy God Mothers to baby-sit your 2 year old). Have a great time on the Honeymoon and use all the money you save on making great memories at Disney!

[ead79]

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. :hug:

This seems really unfair, so I can certainly understand why you’re upset.

I think my main concern would be that your husband seems to take his mother’s feelings/opinions as being more important than yours. Perhaps he doesn’t realize he’s doing this, so I would have a serious conversation with him about it. I agree totally with Janet2K. It’s important to learn to compromise. However, you should do what is best for you two, not what makes his mom happiest. It sounds like she’s pulling the “not enough money” trick in order to try to push you both into doing what she wants. While I can understand your husband wanting his family to be there, I think it’s important that he not allow himself to be manipulated. If he is content places his mother’s feelings/opinions above yours, then I would view that as a warning sign. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. :hug:

[twojo21]

i had to chime in again & agree with ead79, your opinion & dreams should matter more than his mothers, i would talk about this with your fi. i agree compromise is important but so are you.

im glad to here mishtb youre still getting married & were able to get back your money from disney. hope everything works out for you :grouphug:

[trampslady]

Flashback city! I've been happily married for almost 18 years, but your dilemma sounds so darn familiar it stings! We wanted a destination wedding, and decided to get married in Hawaii. It was a simple ceremony, and the money spent by family could be enjoyed as a vacation rather than a cold chicken breast in a banquet hall. My husband's parents decided last minute that they weren't going to go-couldn't afford it. Of crouse, this is coming from the General Manager of a major plastics manufactering company! Plus, mother-in-law didn't like the idea of us being wed outside. "You weren't born in a barn for God's sake." Of course, hubby's two other loser brothers are still being spoon fed 18 years later with the 40+ year old "working for dad" and calling in sick about three times a week, and younger brother (34) is now divorced and living at home.

What about the wedding? We went to Hawaii without them as this was our wedding and our celebration. My parents went and some extended family. It was a lovely and memorable occasion, and we never regretted it a bit. When we got home, we had a nice party with a Hawaiian theme. Of course, mother-in-law decided we weren't married in the eyes of God since a Catholic priest did not perform the OUTDOOR ceremony. Gee, we've been married 18 wonderful years and her two other "angels" are divorced (young one) and gay (older one). Wonder what God thinks about that?!?!?

Whew! Morale of story--do what you can live with, but remember, the two of you MUST put your own happiness and devotion at the top of the list or you will have little hope for a longlasting marriage. Regrettably, many years after our wedding, we split ways with inlaws. Lots of water under the bridge, and I only wish them happiness. However, our sanity was worth more than the grief we were living trying to maintain a relationship with them. Sad for hubby, but life is very, very short!!!!

[akalucky1]

First, I am very sorry to hear about your plight.

Your FMIL is defintely trying to manipulate the situation. She really needs to mind her own business. However, I am also quite upset with your FDH. He is obviously apathetic to your feelings, wishes and dreams of a DFTW. My point is and this my seem extremely rude-->if he is tied to his mother now and is willing to let her ruin your weddign plans, what will he be like once you are married. She may continue to pull his strings and you may continue to second in line to his mother. His family appears to be selfish and inconsiderate and you are probably to good to marry into that type of family.

Like other posters here, your best bet at this point if you still what to marry this guy is to go ahead with your wedding at his parents' and do a vow renewal at Disney or just keep your original plans and do the wedding when you get back.

Whatever you decide, I sincerely hope you have a very happy day and wish you best for your future.

[FutureAshleyDukes]

I'm happy to hear your making the best out of the situation. I'm still hoping that maybe your family will come around, but if you still have the wedding in Dallas then I hope you enjoy it. Are you thinking about having your honeymoon at WDW?

[Chuck S]

Your FMIL and family should offer to re-imburse your friends that already have their airfare for the full amount, since they were well aware of the dates and location, plus any Disney related expenses you may have incurred. And, since you are changing your plans at relatively last minute, they should also offer to pay for other unforeseen expenses associated with changing the location. Bad planing on their part does not constitute an emergency or change of plans on your part. If your DH lets his family manipulate him and you this time, it will be an ongoing cycle. Think Marie Barone.

[J and R's mom]

After talking it over -- all I want to do is get married, I don't care how/where/when. After stressing out for the past 3 1/2 yrs planning for a wedding in boston or dallas or disney.....I really just want to get married and get it done with.
I hate to hear that your dream of a wedding has come down to this quote. That's quite tragic in my opinion.

What's even more tragic is that your future husband placed his family's (FMIL) wants and desire ABOVE his future wife's. That's scarry and makes me wonder what the future may hold if he plans on choosing them each time in order to keep the peace with them and expecting/coercing you into doing the same. What about "keeping the peace" with you? That should be his priority. Of course he wants his family at the wedding, but if their stubborness and manipulation is going to keep them for going, then he should write it off as their loss. NOT change the plans to accomodate them. UUUHHHHGGGGG!

I'm glad you're not spending a dime for the wedding. Since it's the wedding that he and his family want (not you), you SHOULDN'T spend a thing on it.

I just can't believe he chose her over you instead of sticking up for y'alls' plans. That doesn't bode well.

[MrsTink04]

Your FMIL and family should offer to re-imburse your friends that already have their airfare for the full amount, since they were well aware of the dates and location, plus any Disney related expenses you may have incurred. And, since you are changing your plans at relatively last minute, they should also offer to pay for other unforeseen expenses associated with changing the location. Bad planing on their part does not constitute an emergency or change of plans on your part. If your DH lets his family manipulate him and you this time, it will be an ongoing cycle. Think Marie Barone.


Go Chuck!!!! Ha ha ha...I call my MIL Marie Barone sometimes (though she really is a sweet woman, she just oversteps her bounds occasionally) I am concerned about your FI putting Mommy's feelings ahead of yours. My MIL never did complain about the Disney Wedding (though some of MY family was unhappy about it - I ignored them...this was MY day!!!) She has, however, tried to exert her opinion in other places and I have explained (patiently) to DH that Mommy's opinions do not fly. We then diffuse the situation together.

[princess pooh]

What happened to your friends who booked a trip to Disney to go to your wedding? Did they get their money back?

Do you live in the same city as your in laws? If you do, you need to move and get your FH away from them. Your MIL is very controlling and you can be sure this won't be the last time she meddles in your relationship.

[CindeBella]

I just want to say, I am so sorry you won't have your dream wedding. No one has the right to take that away from you.
How would she feel if you canceled last minute and she lost her money ;) It's cleary manipulation. She will do it until you won't let her.

As others have said, this is just the beginning. I was in a similiar situation. I was being told what I could have, couldn't have, etc (some of my ideas were stolen by his sister and they didn't tell her she couldn't do that!) in my wedding - ugh. I closely envisioned my future with those people - children, etc. and got scared! I ran so far away from those people and didn't look back!! For me, it was the best thing I could have done.

My MIL now has done this, but we showed her when she acts that way she gets left out. My parents aren't a walk in the park either, but my husband and I stick together - always. It's what marriage is about.

Good luck to you!!

[robsmom]

All I know is I got my $3,500 back and I am not spending a dime on the wedding here...... him and his family can. I'm gonna use my money to take our daughter to disney right after the wedding and use the rest on me!

If you hadn't said you had a daughter i would tell you to dump this guy as fast as you can. I understand that he is your child's father but what is the rush at this point. He basically canceled your wedding. His decision not yours. It was disrespecful of your feelings and completely rude to your family and friends who have made plans. This shows serious inmaturing and that he is not ready to be a husband. Your reaction, however, shows you may not be ready to be married either. The idea that he can spend his money on something and you will spend yours on something else usually doesn't work in a marriage. Do not plan a Dallas wedding this quickly. Cancel the date, go to pre-marital counseling with your fiance and marry him only after you are sure you are marrying someone you can live with for the rest of your life as equals not with him controlling you.

[angel*lady]

I have to agree with many of the other posters. There are HUGE RED FLAGS all over this! I would really have to question marrying a man who would let his mother manipulate him in such a big way. He obviously has no problem dashing your dreams and inconveniencing many other people who made plans and paid good money to come to your wedding at WDW in order to accommodate his mother. I'm afraid this will only be the beginning. It also troubled me when you said "All I want to do is get married." Things aren't going to magically get better once you have said "I do". I had a very dear friend say exactly those words and went ahead with the marriage and spent the next 17 years being miserable. Fortunately, she finally got out and has now been happily married for 6 years to a wonderful and thoughtful man who puts her needs and wants ahead of all others and knows the meaning of the word compromise. It seems to me that you shouldn't be planning any wedding at this time but rather find a reputable marriage counselor and see if this is really the person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just hate to see you enter into a marriage without making sure that this isn't going to be an ongoing problem. Best of luck to you! Take care!

[the kabuki]

I hate to hear that your dream of a wedding has come down to this quote. That's quite tragic in my opinion.

What's even more tragic is that your future husband placed his family's (FMIL) wants and desire ABOVE his future wife's. That's scarry and makes me wonder what the future may hold if he plans on choosing them each time in order to keep the peace with them and expecting/coercing you into doing the same. What about "keeping the peace" with you? That should be his priority. Of course he wants his family at the wedding, but if their stubborness and manipulation is going to keep them for going, then he should write it off as their loss. NOT change the plans to accomodate them. UUUHHHHGGGGG!

I'm glad you're not spending a dime for the wedding. Since it's the wedding that he and his family want (not you), you SHOULDN'T spend a thing on it.

I just can't believe he chose her over you instead of sticking up for y'alls' plans. That doesn't bode well.

Totally agree-this isn't about where the wedding is going to be, it's about the fact that your Dh2b is taking his mothers' feelings into consideration over yours'. For that reason alone, I'd be having some serious doubts about getting married to this man in the first place.

[tlbwriter]

I think my main concern would be that your husband seems to take his mother’s feelings/opinions as being more important than yours.
I agree. Your FMIL is a master manipulator, and your DF is putty in her hands. Neither of them care that they have disappointed and inconvenienced you, your friends, and your family. And your DF doesn't see that they obviously lied about being able to afford a trip to Disney. This is a very bad sign. And it is not going to get any better - she won this round, and she will not stop. Welcome to the rest of your life.

You might want to check out Mother in Law Stories (http://www.motherinlawstories.com) - you'll probably end up being a regular poster there! :guilty:

[alisonbestford]

If you hadn't said you had a daughter i would tell you to dump this guy as fast as you can. I understand that he is your child's father but what is the rush at this point. He basically canceled your wedding. His decision not yours. It was disrespecful of your feelings and completely rude to your family and friends who have made plans. This shows serious inmaturing and that he is not ready to be a husband. Your reaction, however, shows you may not be ready to be married either. The idea that he can spend his money on something and you will spend yours on something else usually doesn't work in a marriage. Do not plan a Dallas wedding this quickly. Cancel the date, go to pre-marital counseling with your fiance and marry him only after you are sure you are marrying someone you can live with for the rest of your life as equals not with him controlling you.

I was trying so hard not to say something along these lines but, unfortunately, I have to agree with robsmum :guilty:

Obviously you know more about the whole situation than the posters on your thread so I wish you happiness in whatever you decide :love:
:grouphug: