View Full Version : I need your advice....
09-26-2005, 08:14 PM
Here is the situation. I have known my MOH for almost 15 years now. She and I are pretty close until recently. Basically here is the deal. A few weeks before we got engaged she asked me if this was "really going to happen". I guess I was dumbstruck. Since then, I have planned dress shopping with her and my other bridesmaids several times. The one time she did go with, she didn't like anything in the store. Since then, I have planned around her schedule and now she is telling me she can't go after all this weekend. I am about ready to lose my mind. Then she asks me if I am going to pay her way down to DisneyWorld. I was pretty frank with her that I am not able to afford that for everyone. We are pretty broke with the wedding and me being out of work right now. Basically it was left like let me see if I can fit it in. I am just disgusted and hurt right now. I don't know what to do. I want her to come and be there, but I would like a little more support from the friend that has been with me the longest.
I just don't get it. I understand the money issue, we all have that. I guess my point is that if you don't want to be in the wedding that is fine. Just let me know. If you don't want to come, that is fine to. I am just really hurt.
09-26-2005, 08:25 PM
JonetteA, I feel for you, I really do. I think you need to sit down with your MOH and discuss this subject, as hard as that is going to be. Make sure ahead of time that you can deal with the consequences without getting too upset (I know, much easier said than done).
I'll keep my fingers crossed that once the two of you have had a heart-to-heart talk, you'll be able to continue your wonderful friendship until you're both older than dirt. :)
09-26-2005, 08:29 PM
I know how you feel. To be honest, I am on my second MOH. My first was great in the beginning. We had a really great relationship and she got along with my DH2B. Then, she decided to see other guys while thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (a day before he had to take a test to get in a masters program) and then, after they broke up, she decided to act like she was 17 again. Being very irresponsible and telling my fiance and I that we probably wouldn't make it to our 5th wedding anniversary. She was bitter and immature. After many more problems, I decided that I didn't want her walking down the aisle before me.
Now I have a new MOH and I've had some problems with her lately. She's a couple years younger (she's 19, going on 19 and I'm 21, going on 31!) and going through some tough times and I am trying to be supportive, but I'm getting frustrated with her attitude. I want her to be there, but she seems to be going down the same road as my previous MOH. I swear the position is cursed. I know I am being selfish sometimes, but I just don't want too much drama at our wedding.
Jonette, I know what you are going through, feel free to PM me.
09-26-2005, 09:31 PM
I would sit her down or send her an e-mail and ask if she really wants to be part of your wedding and if not that you understand but you need to know now if you will be able to count on her or not.
I understand your being hurt, I know I would be.
:grouphug: that it works out.
09-26-2005, 10:24 PM
i think every bride to be has had a problem with their wedding party at one time or another. definetly sit down & talk to her about these issues & give her the option to step down if she cant handle the tasks & cost of being your moh.
09-26-2005, 10:43 PM
:grouphug: I am really sorry that you are going through this. I think your MOH should be a supportive person. like others said you should have atalk with her and see what is up. If she still acts in the same selfish way it is my opinion that you are better off w/out her...actually you will be better off w/out a moh period. It is your wedding (once in a lifetime ;) ) so you should try to enjoy yourself and have fun. Don't let negativity surround you...good luck!
09-27-2005, 08:49 AM
I'm going through the same thing, but with my bridesmaid. My MOH is my sister, but i'm having a close friend as a bridesmaid and she knew she would be a BM before we got engaged and we did some preliminary planning. Once we got engaged she didn't even congratulate us, and we all work together for the same company, but in different departments. She's become very bitter and I don't even like dealing with here anymore. My MOH and I went dress shopping together and have picked everything, while BM couldn't schedule anytime for me. She's sort of coming around now since I'm buying her dress this weekend, but I still feel like it's too little to late. How do I bring it up that I really don't want her it my wedding anymore? I'm so evil, I even tried telling her that if Disney was too expensive for her to afford that I would understand if she had to back out. But she said she's saving to go. It's a catch 22. Women flip flop too much! :Pinkbounc
Jonette, do you really want her there? Do you think she'll spoil your day? ask these questions? Your MOH is suppose to be selfless during this time.
09-27-2005, 09:01 AM
You've recieved great advice here. I wish you the best of luck with the situation.
As well to rest of you with moh problems as well.
Hugs to all,
09-28-2005, 05:12 PM
Your friends actions sort of sound like someone who may be feeling a little bit jealous of your good fortune and happiness. I had an experience with a now former friend who started acting strange after I was in a relationship. Have you asked her what's going on? I don't think she should expect you to pay anything for her trip...if she's truly your friend, she'd be there! Besides, it's not like you haven't given her plenty of time to plan. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially with everything else that has been going on with you. By the way, I've not forgotten about getting some contact for you and promise to forward any information I have as soon as I can.
Keep smiling! :)
09-28-2005, 07:11 PM
Believe it or not, your MOH actions probably have more to do with what's going on in her world than in yours.
I can only assume that your FH and you are completely blissed-out with each other, regardless of the job situation (I hope it's going ok, by the way), and you're having this magical fairytale wedding that everyone will remember forever.
MOH's life might look like a worn shoe next to your glass slipper, and as much as she wants happiness for you (although it really doesn't seem like it) she might feel like an underachiever, single?, third wheel.
Her actions are inexcuseable, hurtful, and demeaning to your friendship. If she's never acted like this before, I think it's safe to assume that she's crying out for attention now; feeling like if she doesn't do something now, she'll never again be a fixture in your life. I mean, asking you to pay for her trip after you lost your job is either a desparate call for help or the most evil thing she could do.
Telling her she's being *evil*, even if she is, might not get you the response you're looking for, but if you explain that your feelings are hurt by some of her actions and you want to know what's really going on so you can get over it together, she might be honest and shape up.
If you really feel this friendship is unsalvageable, it may be best to tell her that her attitude and unthoughtfulness is unwanted at your wedding.
09-28-2005, 11:26 PM
Just to keep you guys up on the latest. I did have a heart to heart with her. She told me that this was not a priority in my life and that she probably won't have much time for my wedding during this process. I am excited that I have another bridesmaid that I can rely on during this time so that helps. Then after this discussion she asks me if she can bring someone to the wedding. She thinks it is rude that I am not inviting everyone and their plus+1 to plus 5's. I explained to her that the reality of the situation is that we can't afford to have everyone as they invite themselves or others. Basically, I have asked friends if they would mind coming without dates/kids, just because we are trying to keep the costs down. Almost everyone else is seeing this as a positive thing. She told me it was tacky. I wish I had all of the money in the world to be able to do it. But the reality is that I am paying for most of it and not really willing to go into debt to make everyone happy. I am just stressed. I guess I was naive in thinking that this was supposed to be a fun and exciting time. Luckily Leif is my shelter in the storm. I just feel like when the wold is falling down, he protects me and calms me. I am sooo lucky!
09-28-2005, 11:53 PM
Oh Jonette!! :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I can't believe that someone who's supposed to be your friend would do this to you.
09-29-2005, 01:03 PM
I'm really sorry to hear that Jonette. I'm happy to hear that your DH2B is being so supportive.
09-29-2005, 01:27 PM
Jonette -- Let's chat about this more this weekend at the bridal fair. Can't wait!!!
At the wedding I attended this past weekend, the bride had her mother as her MOH. The bride had been in literally 15+ weddings, and she felt if she had to return the favor by having all those women in the wedding, it would be out of control. It turned out really nicely since she had both parents walk her down the aisle, then they both stayed up there with her. I explained the altar arrangements at this link (http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=918523).
Berry and I aren't going to have any attendants. Regardless of the fact we are doing a DCL wedding so will have under 20 people in attendance, we want the wedding to focus on the ceremony and on our marriage to each other. The would-be attendants -- our friends -- while lovely people, aren't part of our relationship with each other.
You and Leif are focused on each other -- being together and supporting each other -- and that will make all the difference.
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