DD 13, has decided she'd rather not go to WDW with the Family!

[tiff211]

After talking to DD 13 about the trip, she has decided that she would rather spend her spring break with her grandparents or Dad. She said she doesn't think it would be worth it go since she won't have anyone to ride the "thrill rides" with. I will be almost 6 months prego when we go. So I can't go on anything. DH and I are taking DD's 2 and 4 also who are very energetic. I cannot handle both of them at wdw so that means DH cannot go on those rides either. I told her next year it would be different because I wouldn't be pregnant and DD 4 would be able to rides. I told her she would be able to take the walkie talkie and go off by herself but she doesn't want to. Orginally, a friend was going to be allowed to go but DD has not earned that privilege due to behavior in school and at home!

My ? is should I push the issue or should I let her stay behind? I told her we could do a mother/daughter overnighter sometime when we get back.

I thought of going back to hotel and let DH and DD go on the rides but we had scheduled that time for pool time and I cannot do the two little ones in the pool solo!

[MrsPete]

Unless there's a grandparent or aunt/uncle who'd be able to keep her for the week, she'd be going with me! She's 13 -- mom and dad still make those decisions.

[Kasmir]

It must be hard for your 13-year-old DD to be so much older than her siblings and have another on the way... 13 is already a tough age and I'm sure that the little ones require a TON of attention.

That said, I wouldn't allow her to stay home. It's a family vacation and if my DD weren't a part of it, I would seriously feel like something was missing.

If it were me, I would ask her to come along and make sure that you plan special times for one-on-one with her. While you can't hit the rides, you can take her to High Tea (if she's into that sort of thing) or a lunch, just the two of you. In addition, I would make sure that your DH takes advantage of at least one EMH in the evenings, while you perhaps put the little ones in bed. In fact, I would probably also take advantage of one of the Kid's Clubs (if you're staying on site), so that you all could spend some time together.

If she's having behavior problems at school, etc, don't give her any more reasons to act out. She may say that she doesn't want to go, but I suspect that what she really wants to hear is just how much you and DH would miss her and that you really want her to come.

I know that you said that you'd plan a special mom/DD trip with her when you get back, but I think that it would be a mistake to leave her out of this trip.

JMHO... I hope that you have a wonderful vacation!

[tiff211]

DD said that she would rather see her dad who lives 12 hours away and she sees every other Christmas, every other April for april vaca and during the summer. She didn't go this past Christmas, and it's his April to spend with her. She has two other sisters and she hasn't seen them in almost a year so she said she'd rather go and spend time with them. I just don't want her to feel left out even though sometimes it's rough since she can't be in 2 places at once AND she only mentioned seeing her dad when I brought up the fact that it was going to be tough for her to go on the "thrill" rides.

She did miss a trip last summer that we took to Sesame place but she didn't seem to care since she was at her dad's and they go places as well.

[tjmw2727]

I would do everything I could to pursuade her to come, in fact I would probably not give her much of a choice.

It sounds like your "blending" your family and there are a few years in between siblings with another on the way. I think that bringing her on your family vacation can go along way toward keeping your family a family.

Using FP and babyswap your dh could do many, if not all the mountains and other "thrill" rides with your dd, with very little waiting for you and the younger siblings. In fact there are not that many rides with a height restriction and many of those are 40", my youngest did all the 40" rides at 4 yo.

If DH can take the little ones while you and dd do something special that would be ideal. Perhaps some shopping or a special meal of her choice, dosen't even have to be the fancy tea if its mom & me!

I guess in short, if this was my family vacation I would do everything in my power to make sure everyone was included. This means making allowances for your 13 yo's likes and dislikes just as you will for your 2 and 4yo's.

TJ

[MrsPete]

Okay, now that you mentioned her father, I feel differently. If she hasn't seen him (and her sisters) in a while, then it might be perfectly reasonable for her to skip the Disney trip and spend time with him.

[pezpam]

I would make a big deal out of how much you'll miss her - short of making her feel guilty, but stressing how much you love her - and then let her stay with her dad. From what you've said, it sounds like she's being honest with you and not just lashing out.

My first trip to WDW was at age 13 and it really was a bit of a waste. My family always spent time together, so that wasn't an issue particular to the trip. However, I wanted to do the big rides, but noone else did, so I wandered with the family, with my little sister doing rides she could stand. Not that we didn't have fun - I still laugh when I think of my grandmother's smile as we whirled around in the teacups - but neither was it the same experience as if I was 6 and into the characters or if I'd been able to do thrill rides.

As long as you guys are ok in your relationship - it sounds like you are - and she'll be with family, I think it's fine. The fact that she'll be able to spend time with her dad and, very importantly, her sisters should keep you from letting yourself feel guilty. A 13 year old shouldn't make the big family calls, but if she is making a reasonable request, it's not out of the question to consider and even allow it.....

Of course, all of this is based on my reading of your OP and follow up, with absolutely no personal knowledge of your family...... You know your family and your kids. As long as neither option is dangerous and you don't let her feel like she's not wanted with you, neither decision is a bad one.

:flower:

[tjmw2727]

Ok - I remember now why this sounds so familiar. Did you already punish her and take away this trip? If so that would make sense as to why she isn't up for going now, could she feel as you don't want her to go?

If I am off base I apologize but 13 is not always as grown up as we think them to be. They try to be so grown up but they really want guidance and direction. IMHO an adolesent is much like a toddler, asserting independance, looking for sense of self, but not quite ready for the all that involves.

I stand by my first post and I would do everything in my power to include her in this trip and in your family.

TJ

[SonofShine]

After talking to DD 13 about the trip, she has decided that she would rather spend her spring break with her grandparents or Dad. She said she doesn't think it would be worth it go since she won't have anyone to ride the "thrill rides" with. I will be almost 6 months prego when we go. So I can't go on anything. DH and I are taking DD's 2 and 4 also who are very energetic. I cannot handle both of them at wdw so that means DH cannot go on those rides either. I told her next year it would be different because I wouldn't be pregnant and DD 4 would be able to rides. I told her she would be able to take the walkie talkie and go off by herself but she doesn't want to. Orginally, a friend was going to be allowed to go but DD has not earned that privilege due to behavior in school and at home!

My ? is should I push the issue or should I let her stay behind? I told her we could do a mother/daughter overnighter sometime when we get back.

I thought of going back to hotel and let DH and DD go on the rides but we had scheduled that time for pool time and I cannot do the two little ones in the pool solo!


:sad2: GASP!!! SHE MUST COME WITH YOU!! How could she not want to go to the Happiest Place on Earth?

[moopdog]

I hate to be the one who's looking at it the "other" way, but maybe you should just respect her wishes. I can totally understand why she would rather opt to go next year instead... let's face it, it wouldn't be a TON of fun given all of the circumstances and if she's even considering "not" going should tell you something - that she really might not want to go. Some girls that age would say they wanted to go just so they didn't "miss out" even if part of them really didn't want to go, you know? Maybe she'd resent it if you MADE her go, and that could make out for a very bad time for all.

I have a blended family as well, and our kids are also 13 DD, 4 DS and 2 DD. It will be tough, and I have been chewing my fingernails over it, knowing that my 13 DD (who is actually my stepdaughter) will not have the best of times due to age gaps. I look at it this way: she's been to Disney - the little ones never have. When she had her trip to Disney our attention to her was undivided... the little ones are going to have to share "attention" 3 ways. In other words... she's had it real good, and hopefully she'll understand that a little when we spend a lot of hours in the little kiddo section and not so long in the other areas. I think she'll be okay, but I also think that she'll be glad when the trip is over too (miss her Mom... thinks we're way too strict, etc). As a matter of fact, it seems like she's already hedging a little bit about missing so much school, going to certain restaurants we have planned (Whispering Canyon), and some other things. I wouldn't be completely shocked if she backed out at the last minute... although by then the tickets will be bought and she'll have no choice! Ironic, huh?

Hope that you can figure something out that makes everyone happy... and if she does stay... I'd make sure she stays with her Dad (sounds like a visit is overdue) and also that her Dad knows that it was her choice to not go to Disney (someone could look at it the wrong way). Keep us posted! :flower:

[jckdisneybound]

Is this the one who you said originally couldn't go as punishment? Maybe I missed the post where it was changed. If she wants to spend time with her Dad and he is good for that than I say let her have time with her father, as long as the punishment is followed through with.

[tjmw2727]

Is this the one who you said originally couldn't go as punishment? Maybe I missed the post where it was changed. If she wants to spend time with her Dad and he is good for that than I say let her have time with her father, as long as the punishment is followed through with.

If you go back and read the end of the thread, the punishment was lifted because the 4yo wanted her sister to join them on the trip. I hope that mom also made it clear that the 13yo is wanted on the trip.

FWIW my original post was to hold to the punishment as I am all for the follow through. After re-reading and hearing more about the situation, it is my opinion (based only on what I have read) that this DD needs to be included in the new family as much as possible. The misbehavior in the first place may have been a plea for attention as it sounds like mom has her hands full. Mom-OP please don't feel as if I am blaming in any way, I can't imagine having two young ones, a teen and being pregnant. I just think that toddlers are so demanding we can't help but give them attention, teen's tend to ask for attention "in a different, not so easy to deal with" way.

IMHO the entire situation is sad but can turn around, I sincerely hope the OP takes her dd with her and makes time during the trip for my favorite "mom & me" times.

TJ

[Mom to Jordan]

Bet this poor kid is really confused. First she is told she can not go to WDW and has to stay with her dad and now that she wants to stay with her dad she is questioned on that decission. She is a kid. I say decide what is best for her and tell her what is going to happen. Sounds like she has very little contact with her dad and forming bonds with her family might be more important but that is for her parents to decide.
If she does go, you CAN make time for her. If both younger children are in a stroller there is no reason mom could not wait with then while dad and DD rode a ride or two. Mom and little ones could head back to the resort for a nap or early bedtime and leave DH and DD to hit the big rides. Let DH take the kids for a nap or pool break and do lunch with DD.
13 is a hard age so prayers and WDW magic that all turns out for the best.

Jordan's mom

[F1Julie]

I'd let her visit her dad if that's what she wants. 13 year olds can be very moody and if she doesn't want to go, she probably won't have a good time. When I was 13. I didn't want to go to WDW for a vacation. It was one of the options my parents put out there, but I didn't think of WDW as a cool vacation destination at that age.

[WaltD4Me]

It's a tough decision, but speaking from someone who actually DID stay home for not one, but two big family vacations, I say bring her along!

I went through a rebellious stage around 13 or 14 and skipped two big family vacations for reasons I can't even remember. I stayed with my aunt and uncle who had a daughter a couple years older than me. At the time I thought I was being so cool, but later really regretted not going. Even now looking at pictures or when my family talks about those trips, I think about what I missed out on and it makes me sad :sad1: and those trips weren't even to WDW!

Maybe DD thinks in her thirteen year old mind that you don't really want her to come, I know I didn't think anyone would miss me if I didn't go.

Just curious, what does her dad think about all this? Does he want her to come stay with him? Is he maybe pressuring her or angry that she wouldn't be coming to stay with him if it's his time to have her?

[my3kids]

Probably the wrong board to offer this opinion, but why not do something other than Disney? Being pregnant, having really young children.....someone is going to get cranky! For your oldest to ride what she wants, the little ones will have to wait in the long lines if you can't keep the little 2 occupied alone.

Tough decision.

[anabelle]

I would talk to her dad about it. It sounds like you do not have a lot of contact with him, but let him voice his say.
I don't think it sounds like she is rebelling in any way. I think she just thinks she will be bored.

[MrsPete]

Wait, wait, wait . . . this is the same girl who was told a week or two ago that she couldn't go because of behavior? I didn't realize that! Mom, you have to wake up and realize that this girl needs some consistency in her life. I'm sure you're torn between being pregnant, parenting toddlers and parenting this teen -- you have a lot on your plate, and everyone wants something from you. But just because this teen is older, you cannot brush her needs aside; that's what I'm getting from these posts. I suspect that's the root of her problems at school, etc.

My3kids may have a good idea when she says that Disney might not be the best vacation for your family right now. You're dealing with pregnancy and rides (which would be fine if that were your only concern), your teenaged daughter isn't thrilled about being stuck with the toddlers rides, and the two toddlers need lots of supervision. Why not do a vacation in a nice beachfront condo? Given your circumstances, I think I'd enjoy a week of sleeping late, watching the kiddos build sand castles, and sharing nice meals with the family. It appeals to all ages, and it'd be less stressful than a Disney trip at this point.

[txgirl]

Here goes what I think (not that it matters :goodvibes )
Daugher goes because she needs to feel sooo important in moms life. Having much younger siblings provides so much insecurity (my life) especially when they are fathered by some other than her dad (my life) Not to say I know how she feels, but I felt like the four of them (my mom, step-dad, and siblings :grouphug: ) all shared something that I did not. NO matter what I did I couldn't be a part of this special bond.

Please take her. Show her where she counts in your life. She came first at some time in her life and now what? Deal with your 2 and 4 year old (it must happen before baby comes anyway :crazy: ). I agree they can be entertained in an area meant for their ages. I know pregnancy can be exhausting, but you can do it mom! :Pinkbounc

Just decide that your babygirl (13) still needs her momma :lovestruc and she also needs to keep forming that bond with stepdad (riding rides) If it means going back to the hotel for a rest with the little ones or taking them to a shady spot with ice cream and books for a quiet rest while older daughter gets her chance. I expect she compromises alot for them already (mine do) Attention is what she is craving. There is an entire summer to meet up with Dad and other sisters, right? ;)

God Bless while you make your decisions :hug:

[tiff211]

Ok - I remember now why this sounds so familiar. Did you already punish her and take away this trip? If so that would make sense as to why she isn't up for going now, could she feel as you don't want her to go?

If I am off base I apologize but 13 is not always as grown up as we think them to be. They try to be so grown up but they really want guidance and direction. IMHO an adolesent is much like a toddler, asserting independance, looking for sense of self, but not quite ready for the all that involves.

I stand by my first post and I would do everything in my power to include her in this trip and in your family.

TJ


Yep, that's me! I actually asked her if she felt that I didn't want her to go and she said "why would you have given me the trip back if you didn't want me to go and you have been talking about it every day" She also said she actually got excited about going to see her family when I had taken the trip away. I feel better becuase at least she is not going to her dad's as a form of punishment but will get to truly enjoy herself.

[tiff211]

Probably the wrong board to offer this opinion, but why not do something other than Disney? Being pregnant, having really young children.....someone is going to get cranky! For your oldest to ride what she wants, the little ones will have to wait in the long lines if you can't keep the little 2 occupied alone.

Tough decision.

{GASP!}.......Something other than Disney?! I was hoping the happiest place on earth would take away my crankiness! LOL!

[nowellsl]

At her age I would let her decide which she wanted to do. As long as she knows she is welcome at either place. :)

[tiff211]

I have read all the posts and have answered some of them individually. A lot for you have great advice and I thank you. My mom always refered to the quote "it takes a village to raise a child" and now that I am a mom, I understand that.

One thing I have to say is that me and my daughter have a very open relationship. We communicate very well and she knows I will tell her exactly how I feel and she is allowed to do the same, as long is she is respectful. She knows that if I didn't want her to go, I would just say it and state my reasons. I know that if there were underlying reasons in her not wanting to go she would say it to me. When she acts out at school or home, I am always told she is crying out for attention. I give her as much attention as possible, I listen to her chat about her friends, we go shopping together, we spend time talking about any and everything, we play games, etc, etc. I shared my mom with 7 brothers and sisters and I did not get in trouble in school and she did not spend that much time with me. I learned it was the way it was. My family was blended as well.

I tell my daughter how she will always have a place in my heart that NO other child of mine will ever be able to have because we spent 7 years together just me and her. Before my husband, before the other kids. She smiles everytime I say that. (I just make sure I don't say in front of the other kids). And I also tell her I know it's hard to not feel fully connected to either family but that's the way it is. When I first got married, she wanted to change her last name to mine. I asked her how did she think that would make her daddy feel or her grandparents. It's a special thing to pass on your name to your child. She also wanted to call me husband "daddy" but I told her again that was a special name she called her father, so I suggested we come up with some other special name for her stepfather. She calls him dad. And as much of a bitter pill as it is for me to swallow, she asked if I minded if she called her stepmom "mom" when they got married and I said it was fine.

We talked again last night and she said she really wants to say with her grandparents (who live near us), so she can hang out with her friends that week but she thinks her dad will be mad. She also said she doesn't want to spend the whole summer because she will miss cheerleading. She said she really doesn't care about going to Disney because she already went and unless she could bring a friend it would be boring. (Bringing a friend is not possible).

I try to talk to her dad as much as possible and keep him in the loop. He does not do what he should as far as she is concerned, does not call her very often, does not pay child support and sometimes cancels her time down there, but I do not let that stop me from doing my job. If there was any reason for her to be acting out that would be it. She is now old enough to know what the deal is. I will never say a bad word about him to her but I think she is starting to see who is there for her and who is not.

I have told her she has up to the day we leave to change her mind. BTW, I gave her the trip back based on my other DD wanting her to go and the fact I felt I did speak out of anger. Since that time, she has stayed out of trouble so I am comfortable with having made that decision.

BTW, neither DD and I are not beach people. I don't like sand or salt water! LOL!

[mary174]

From what you said I think you made the right decision to leave it up to your daughter. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do everything in your power to tempt her to come with you. Perhaps you should mention that you and the younger children will need naps, and if your husband and daughter want keep track of the strollers they can walk you to the shuttle stop and then do thrill rides while you take the younger two back to your room to watch toon Disney and nap for a few hours. Let her know that you really want her with you and that you are willing to make some sacrifices to give her a good time for the pleasure of her presence. How tall and interested in the more thrilling rides is your 4 y/o? If your husband could take both girls on rides like Splash Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, there is a play area for toddlers between them where you could get off your feet for a while and let your two y/o play. If that's not possible both youngsters might like it and it is a good spot for a parent who wants to rest to deal with two kids. Space Mountain has several rides near it that 3 people could do together which should be possible for you and two young children. Mission Space in Epcot has a really fun play area that my 2 and 4 y/o boys didn't want to leave. Test Track has an Automobile show case and gift shop that people could have fun waiting in and a 40 inch height limit, but it isn't quite so parent friendly as you would need to keep up with your kids. In MGM Studios you and your youngsters could go to Playhouse Disney while your husband and daughter went to Tower of Terror and Rockin' Roller Coaster. Animal Kingdom's Dinosaur is very near The Boneyard play area which has only one exit and which kids love.
Let your daughter know that she would be expected to visit Character Meals and Dumbo with apparent pleasure, but that you were going to try to ensure that everyone had a fun trip. I think it is very important that you stress how much you would like your daughter to be a part of your family trip. If she chooses not to go, then that is her choice. Just don't let her think her company and needs aren't important to you.

[cbrfan]

This may not even an issue in your family, but as the oldest girl in a family of six children (four were younger), family vacations were NOT a good time for me. We never did WDW or anything but go to the family cabin but there were quite a few vacations where I never even smiled the whole time. I felt I was there only to serve as an extra pair of hands and to be a built-in babysitter. It didn't help that a few of those times I'd been invited to go on vacations with my friends and their families instead. Even at my age (somewhere between estrogen and death) I can look back on that time and still not find anything good in those trips. Your daughter may be looking at this trip as being "a working vacation". I think if you make her go along with you it's especially important let her have time to do what she likes to do, too. I understand you can't go on the thrill rides, but if you can't handle the little ones on your own while your DH joins her maybe you could schedule that during the little ones naptimes or leave the little ones in on the childcare facilities for a few hours. Whether she goes with you or with her father 13 is a tough age. I feel for you.