Need some advice on my teen daughter, please!

[Dancind]

Just thinking about asking this makes me anxious, but here goes. I have a beautiful, talented, almost 14 year old daughter. She dances about 10 -12 hours a week, and is very bright. She’s even more talented in art and acting, and choreography comes naturally to her. She did her own solo number for the dance comps this year.



Here’s the quandary. She didn’t do all that well in the comp because she has gained about 25 pounds in the last year (but only 2 inches in height). I would say she was a healthy weight before the gain, certainly not thin. She alternates between being upset about it, and declaring that she's really not overweight.



Last November, I suggested Weight Watchers, and she readily agreed. She did really well and lost 12 pounds within a month. She looked and felt great. Then we went on a 10 day cruise, and she gained it all back! Since then, she has probably gained another 10. We don’t keep a lot of goodies in the house, but they sneak in. Girl scout cookies, Valentine’s Day, you get the picture. I cook healthy meals, but we eat out several times a week. When my daughter has unlimited access to food, she eats non-stop. She can keep it up for hours, there seems to be no “off-switch”. Sleepovers are a big problem. At the dance event last weekend, her solo was late in the afternoon. She had a good breakfast, and we got her a Subway for lunch. She also had a protein bar and plenty of water available. Well, the coach’s Mom made goodie bags for the kids, with candies, snack cakes, Chex mix etc., and hers was empty by 1 pm.



Here’s my question, finally. What do I do about this? Do I leave her alone? I know my comments are not helping. But I worry that if she keeps this up, she will give up on dance because it’s too hard with extra weight, and it will get worse. She starts high school next year, and she wants to be on the drill team and is already planning her prom dates, but I’m afraid these things won’t happen and I’m going to have a miserable daughter. She’s so compulsive about eating now, what if she goes to the other extreme, bulimia or anorexia?



She doesn’t want to count points again, that was “too hard”. I love her too much to throw in the towel, but how much can a Mom of a teen do? She is definitely in a “Mom knows nothing” phase. I just want her to learn to eat like a normal person, and not binge! I mean, can you imagine what will happen when she's on her own?


I should note that I'm no model myself. I need to lose 30 pounds. Do you think that if I get serious about it, that would help her?

[Tiger Lily 03]

I don't quite know how to respond. I am thinking about your question Do you think that if I get serious about it, that would help her? I would definitely say if your family sees how much you are working at something it certainly can bring positive results. I dedicated myself last year to walking the 1/2 marathon this January. This year I have a partner. DS#2 will be participating in 2006 so will spend this year training.

I am wondering though if perhaps a visit to the doctor would be a better way to start. Counseling may be in order to get through the binging maybe? Also, our DSs were involved in gymnastics in our area. They had nutrition counseling as they were involved in the program since anorexia/bulimia is sometimes observed in this sport. There was weekly time given to nutrition. Does your group offer this, or perhaps you could suggest it because all members of the team could certainly benefit by this.

Hope you can figure it all out. One thing in my mind is she is lucky you care.

[Dancind]

I am wondering though if perhaps a visit to the doctor would be a better way to start. Counseling may be in order to get through the binging maybe? Also, our DSs were involved in gymnastics in our area. They had nutrition counseling as they were involved in the program since anorexia/bulimia is sometimes observed in this sport. There was weekly time given to nutrition. Does your group offer this, or perhaps you could suggest it because all members of the team could certainly benefit by this.

Hope you can figure it all out. One thing in my mind is she is lucky you care.

Thanks TL. Her Dr. gave her the referral to WW last November, we will see her again in a couple of months. The dance studio is too small for a nutritional counselor, and DD is really the only one on the team with this problem. They did limit the snacks at the last sleepover, though, just for her! Does counseling help with binge eating? That's a possibility. I just wonder if a counselor would really think she has a problem, though, she isn't in the obese range, and that person wouldn't have the benefit of seeing her in action.

[wtpclc]

Diana - I cannot imagine how worrisome this must be for you! Maybe you should see a counselor to see if a) they think you have a reason to be worried and b) what you should be doing. I would be very carful about pushing things too hard. As you've already mentioned, this could back fire. I think someone who's trained to see the signs could really help you out. Wish I could give you some real advice, but I think that this one's best left up to the experts.

[joanb]

Not sure about her diet-no details but if it was my daughter I would take her to the doctor and have her thyroid checked-especailly if she seems more tired than usual.If she is dancing that much-doesn't add up to me. She would really have to be eatting a lot. My kids eat a lot and stay busy like your daughter and they are not at all fat. Just my thoughts....

[hipporina]

I'm dealing with some similar problems with my DD. My situation is a bit different, but some of the same solutions might work. Here's my DD's story. She is almost 7 and we just adopted her. Long story short, her foster parents had her convinced she was fat and had her on a diet (at one point she was even on slim fast!) to earn a Barbie house. She was maybe a little thicker than some girls, but by no way fat. She wore a 6X easily, which is normal for her age. Our doctor even said she was a very healthy weight. The only thing all the weight talk did was make food a bigger issue for her. She used to (and still ocassionally does) try to eat non-stop.

What we have done is focus on eating healthy. I'm trying to teach her about choosing good foods and limiting, but not avoiding, the bad ones. We make weight a non-issue and focus on health instead. I explain whats good about what we are eating and how it helps your body. We keep very little to no junk food in the house and cook really healthy 95% of the time. I know that it helps that my dd is young enough for me to control exactly what she eats. The biggest thing I do is that we never talk about being fat or skinny. I explain to her that God made her perfect and she doesn't have to be "skinny" to be beautiful.

I am already so worried about an eating disorder because of her past. I just really try to make her feel good about herself and make the food available to her good, healthy food. For example, my kids always ask for apples, yogurt, cheese sticks or such for snacks, because they know thats what we have and they have learned to enjoy them. My dd has lost several pounds in the past 7 months just because of what we eat and she feels good about herself.

One other thing to consider. The summer between my 6th and 7th grade years, I got super chunky! I had alwasy been super skinny, then I wasn't. My family still teases me sometimes because I ate tons of ice cream and gained lots of weight. Nobody said anything to me at the time though. Then, I hit a massive growth spurt and lost all the extra weight. You just never know with kids.

Good luck, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's so hard to raise girls with healthy body images in today's society.

[Dancind]

Not sure about her diet-no details but if it was my daughter I would take her to the doctor and have her thyroid checked-especailly if she seems more tired than usual.If she is dancing that much-doesn't add up to me. She would really have to be eatting a lot. My kids eat a lot and stay busy like your daughter and they are not at all fat. Just my thoughts....

Joan, this baffles me too. She doesn't eat like that every single day, mostly because she doesn't have the opportunity. Most days she eats cereal or frozen waffles for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch with NF mayo and a slice of cheese, a healthy protein snack before dance, and protein and veggies for dinner (sometimes a potato or some pasta). I usually have some LF ice cream or pudding around, she will eat that if available. She won't eat fruit. She is a water drinker, never sodas. The binging is only occasional, but it seems like the weight just piles on when she does it, even though she has so much muscle! Like the cruise, 10 pounds in 10 days! And she didn't eat much at dinner. I will ask the doctor about that, thanks.

Hipporina, she does know about good nutrition, just chooses to ignore it at times! LOL It would be good if she grew a couple of more inches!

[pearlieq]

I would really recommend talking to your doctor. She may have a thyroid condition, or maybe a metabolic issue like insulin resistance.

Please, please, please don't make this a huge issue for her. She is the only one who can decide how she wants to manage her health. It sounds like you're a concerned parent and you're doing everything you can, but the last thing she needs right now is for this to be an "issue" where she will feel attacked, devalued, or self-conscious.

It sounds like you're on the right track--it's wonderful that you care about her so much!

[DisneyDukeGirl]

Hi,

I just want to say that you sound like a wonderfully supportive and loving mother and I understand you being concerned. I don't know if I can help you or give you any advice but I will try. I am currently recovering or trying to recover from anorexia/bulimia. I have been struggling with it for the past 4-5 years and I have gotten medical help for the past year.

I was overweight all my life but didn't really seem to care, or so I thought. When I was in college I did Weight Watchers and lost 20 lbs but went home for Christmas and fell off the diet.

It wasn't until I was out of college that I developed the eating disorder. I've come to learn that it was from my bad image of food that I had developed throughout my life. My parents would make perfectly innocent comments to me about not eating that "bad food" or I eat too much junk and I started labeling food as "good" and "bad". I just resented them for it and ate what I wanted. I didn't know what healthy eating was. When I graduated college, I started a diet and lost weight and EVERYONE complimented me and I got very wrapped up in the diet and the encouragement and could not stop losing weight. I lost 100 pounds in a 6 month period. From what I understand,that is how a lot of eating disorders begin-a simple diet.

I think what you need to do now is talk to your daughter about what a healthy nutritious diet is and try to get the whole family involved so she doesn't feel like it's pinpointed towards her. Don't label foods as good and bad-any food is good in moderation.This period in her life is the most stressful and awkward and maybe the time she's most susceptible to eating disorder habits. Just watch her closely and encourage her now about how beautiful she is. The most important thing, I think at that age is having a good, solid self esteem. If you can encourage her that way and not always point out how she appears on the outside but emphasize her other qualities, she should be fine.

I'm sorry for this rambling post, but as someone who has gone through and still goes through hell with this illness, I want to prevent anyone I can from getting it. Please e-mail me or PM me if you have any other questions or concerns and I'll be glad to help.

Stephanie

[Dancind]

Stephanie, thank you for your very thoughtful post. I hope you are healthy now, what a thing for a young woman to go through!

I did worry about taking her to WW, as you said a girl can get caught up in the dieting. But I thought it might teach her about portion control, which is something she needs to learn (and didn't want to hear from me!). I did encourage her to include things she wanted in her diet by using her weekly points and activity points, stressing that her main points needed to go to nutritious foods. She did so well with all this, I surely wish more of it would have "stuck".

It's kind of horrifying as a Mom to watch your daughter shovel in the food, seemingly unable to slow down or stop. I do jump in sometimes and say "slow down!" or "put down your fork once in a while". Trying to make her aware of what's she is doing I guess. But probably not a good thing to do? As you pointed out, the nagging can do more harm than good. Note to self, don't watch her eat.

Lots to think about, thanks.

[DoeWDW]

I'm 41 - not a teenager anymore by a long shot. I'm not sure if what I'm going to say will help, but please know that I offer it with a spirit of love.

When I'm stressed out, I eat. When you talked about your daughter "shoveling in" food, it struck a chord with me, as this is how it feels when my emotions are controlling my food intake. When in that mode, I am NOT paying attention to quantity or quality of food because I am stressed out and anxious.

I've had to learn (and relearn) that food does NOT make me feel any better, that stress and anxiety are at the root of my behavior. I have to stop and pinpoint what is making me feel so bad and get to the root of it. If that isn't possible, then I need to consciously turn to other coping behaviors, like exercise. I often will start crocheting to keep my hands doing something that is incompatible with eating.

Best wishes for your daughter and for you, since I know how hard it is to watch our children go down a path that is worrisome.

[DisneyDukeGirl]

I think it was a good idea to take her to WW to show her how to eat. Have you thought about taking her to a nutritionist or counselor? I know there are support groups and great books about emotional eating or overeating. I know some women who are on some medicines that help try to control their eating and they are pretty helpful.

I can't imagine what it's like to be in your position, worrying about your child but not knowing how to help. My mother knows though. I had to move back in with her and she has had to take care of me.She's watched me starve myself and refuse to eat and then binge out of control. I seriously don't know how she's done it.

I don't want to scare you with this at all. I just want to encourage you to pursue all avenues to help her have a normal, healthy adolescence.

Stephanie

[MelanieC]

Diana,

A few years ago my daughter (now 13 and in 7th grade) started gaining weight at age 9. It was as if on her 9th birthday someone hit a switch. We went through several years of the doctor telling her and us that she needs to watch her weight. Suddenly this last year she grew taller and filled out. She also started eating less. She ate so much around 9, 10 & 11. Now she eats based on hunger and I see a difference in how she eats dinner. She will take smaller portions and wait and see how if she is still hungry.

When I first came to Wish about 2 years ago or so when it was first started, I remember writing a post that sounded VERY similiar to yours. I was scared and didn't know what to do. Our doctor also wrote her a refferal for WW's and she did it for a while. Its hard at that age when school leaves them very limited to what they eat and also the "cool" factor about bringing healthy stuff to school.

What I can say has helped is having her see me loose weight using WW's. I always stress to her how loosing weight and staying healthy is not a matter off starving yourself, but learning to eat healthier and eat more of the right foods along with exercise. Her eating habits are much healthier now, although we still have "stress" about things like soda and whole wheat bread one in a while. Even though she swears she hates whole wheat bread, she asked me to buy her whole wheat tortillas this week instead of the white ones. Slowly my habits are rubbing off on her. There is a fine line between scaring them about eating and helping them learn how to eat right. Some unfortunately develop eating problems.

What I would suggest, is sitting down with her and talking to her about what she wants. You can't help her unless she is ready to be helped. Maybe take baby steps and pick one new habit to work on a month. Have her pick the things that are important for her to keep in her diet, what she is willing to give up etc. Maybe if she feels she is in control of it, she will let you help her. It won't be easy while she is in school. Maybe talk to her about what she eats every day. What they offer. WHat she likes and maybe you could guide her to make better decisions.

The shoveling in food also concerns me, because like Doreen, I too know that is a pattern I have felt in my life from stress. Some professional help might be needed, or using Dr. Phils book and the two of you sitting down together to work on it might be good. Maybe have her get a diary and when she starts to shovel food in, she wrights down what she is feeling at that moment and what she is thinking about. This may help her discover why she is using food to soothe.

Good luck, I know its scary and all you want is to help her.

[joanb]

your daughter is sure blessed to have a mom that is so concerned. I know you will take good care of her and all will work out.

DoeWDW-I understand your pain-I eat when stressed.

[Dancind]

See, I knew the folks on the DIS boards would give me some great advice.

Melanie, that was very helpful, thank you for taking the time to write it. Some wonderful suggestions there. I will wait until my daughter is in a receptive mood (you know how it is), and try to talk to her about some of these things. I think I'm already doing better with the comments! And I am trying to get her annual check up appointment during Spring Break in late March so we can talk to the Dr. again.

Interesting points about stress eating. Seems like when I see her doing this, she isn't thinking about anything, but that would be something to bring up during the receptive mood time.

Looks like I need to join the WISH boards and get going on my own program. Lead by example, right? If I were 14 instead of 51, this would be way easier!

[grlpwrd]

This is such a delicate topic because on one hand you want her to be the best health and physique-wise yet you also don't want to trigger any eating problems.

I, too, would seek counsel from her doctor and/or consult with a nutritionist or dietician. Girls her age need lots of protein, carbs, some fats, and all the other good stuff so her needs have to be considered, especially since she is still growing.

I also like Dr. Phil's book because one of his premises is not necessarily what foods are you eating, but what is eating you - meaning work from the inside out. I think it's safe to say a lot of us would agree that it's better to work on the issues now rather than let them manifest themselves and get worse in the long run.

I, too, think it's great you're supportive of her. The last thing she needs is to be criticized and nagged. Maybe the highlight of all of this is that you both can take this journey of health and fitness together.

GL!

[Sandy22]

Are you sure she's not eating secretly? A lot of binge eaters can consume a lot of calories in a few moments alone in a kitchen. Does she have food in her room?

It sounds like she's doing a lot of exercise already but maybe a daily mother/daughter walk? If she's overeating from stress, it would be helpful to have other options available for dealing with stress...which will probably only increase during the teenage years. One of my friends installed a punching bag in the basement for her DS to work off some steam - it really works!

[Dancind]

Well, I found out yesterday that she's been dealing with a boy harrassing her for a while. That could be causing some stress!

I'm pretty sure there's no food hiding in her room, but I do catch her snacking. That's why we don't buy much snack food, it's been a problem. A half carton of LF/LS ice cream is still not a good thing!

[AlreadyexcitedGrammy]

take a look at Dr. Phil's son's book - (I think his name is Jay). I know that he advised a group of teens and they had great success at getting healthy but even if she doesn't read it - you could, and see if there are any tips. I say try the library and see if they have a copy.

Does she do okay with cut up celery and carrots - keep a bag in the fridge - all ready set to grab - even set them out on the counter.

And, should you try WW again - one of my favorite tips from our dear friend KathyTx is when I bring a snack in the house - I immediately bag it into snack bags and mark with marker how many pts. It has stopped me a few times from taking more than 1 bag/serving!

[Lesli54]

You may take my opinion for what you deem it is worth. I have DD17 and DD15 that have both been in dance, have gone through the "HS transition" and a few other things. Also, I have seen what has happened with many of their friends. I believe your DD's weight gain is not the real issue that you need to focus on, but rather a symptom of something else.

My DD17 danced for many, many years (only quit for lack of good teachers; they moved on) and she put in a lot of hours, not quite as many as your DD. So I am positive that your DD is getting enough exercise.

It sounds to me that your DDs weight occurred fairly quickly and I just wonder if her behavior changed as well. It may be slight and not noticeable at first. Transitioning to HS can be very stressful, because I think that grades 7-9 tend to put a lot of pressure on who you hang out with, what you do in your spare time, etc. How big is your school? Is she one of the few that dances? That can create tension in itself. Our school is small and everyone does scholastic sports, so my DDs choosing to dance took a lot of courage to "be different" and teasing (riddiculous as it was) came with it.

DD17 went through a phase (at about 13-14) were she shut everything out. Her attitude changed, her room was constantly dark, a mess, etc. She was not doing anything illegal (I checked just in case), but it was more of a depressive thing where she didn't know where she fit in because she is very independent and we don't let our kids "run around". She had kind of a "I don't care about anything or anyone" mood. Instead of eating she turned to sleep and avoidance. Maybe your DD is going through this phase and some difficult times, but has chosen to eat in order to comfort herself.

I tried to keep my ears open and talk to her as much as I could to let her know that things weren't so bad. Also, I got a few close friends of mine to engage her in conversation when they saw the opportunity. Sometimes they came back and gave me a full report on what was discussed and sometimes it was a generalization. The point is, I was able to learn more about my daughter and she felt like she had a safe person to talk to that wasn't mom. It took time (almost 3 yrs), but she out grew the phase. Keeping her busy and letting her know I was there helped.

Some of my DDs friends did have medical issues that needed to be dealt with.

Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) has a book on how teens can cope with being a teenager. It is really good and might be worth looking into. I just think that if you can find the reason why she is eating, then you will either be able to "switch outlets" for her or she will quit the overeating.

One more thing to think about. I know that you have pointed out that she is not getting any extra food that you know of at home. What about at school? Is it possible that she is buying extra food at school or having someone bring her unhealthy food? Kids will do alot for each other if they think they are getting away with something. Also, could she be getting up late at night to eat without you seeing? One of my friends has had that problem.

Becuse you are very concerned, I would suggest you have a physical done and bloodwork run to rule out any medical possibilities. Also, I would try to recall if there were changes in behavior and talk to your friends and hers (do it tactfully or it will backfire). Someone might be able to shed light on her behavior, problems, concerns, or changes in eating habits. The most important thing I would do is talk to her in a place that she feels comfortable and see if she is willing to let you know what is really going on in her mind. You would need to let her know that you won't judge what she says. It will probably take time for her to "open up" completely but be patient and choose carefully when and how to given her guidance, because at this age girls are notorious for doing the opposite.

My DD17 looks back now and realizes how silly she reacted. DD15, however, still has her moments (she hides in the closet and won't answer anyone), but has definitely gone through her moments of finding sugary foods at home and out. Kids do gain some weight at this age, but most of time they will lose it again. DD15 was "skinny minnie, she'd blow away" now she has a tush and a little bit of belly.

Again, take everything above for what you deem it is worth. Continue offering healthy food choices and don't "force" anything, just give a gentle nudge. Have patience and good luck in helping your daughter resolve this concern. ::MickeyMo ::MickeyMo

[Dancind]

Thanks for your comments. I have bought her Jay's book, though I am not sure she has read it. Right now she is wrestling with finishing Diary of Anne Frank at the last minute!

The stress issue may be a key here. Mid-school has been a roller coaster for her, and high school coming up has been scary too. Her friends are going in different directions next year. The harrassment from the one boy has been all year long. But we did get some good news yesterday. She got into the Performing Arts high school for next year. This means a fresh start, and a much smaller school environment, plus daily (sometimes twice daily) dance classes in addition to her studio classes. Those will probably be cut down a bit! I hope it will be a better fit for her, she will be able to continue with drama and take guitar!

But I will be following up with her doctor too. I'm being more aware of her snacking, but still not seeing how she has gained the weight.

[Lesli54]

It sounds like getting her into the Performing Arts high school will be good for you. At least she will be amongst others who enjoy the same activities, so finding new friends should go well. HS is scary for all at this age even when they only have one choice for schools and will be staying with the same classs. Just a fear of the unknown and "growing up" a little more. It is not surprising that her friends are going different directions, because they all do this during those transition years. Definitely a time where you learn who your real friends are.

My DD17 read Jay's book, but it took her some time, because she was busy with school. It is written in a language that the kids can relate to though which helps.

Just keep doing what you are doing and check with the doc. I hope that everything turns out fine medically and remember that she just may be at that "gaining weight" stage which she could outgrow again.

Concerned Moms are GREAT MOMS! ::MickeyMo ::MickeyMo