View Full Version : Funny Professor Quotes

03-02-2005, 03:28 PM
I want to start a thread were people can post their favorite Professor qoutes.

I will start today in war in the western world we were given an example exam question that read.
Clausvitz? So What? Must include Shakespear.
-Dr. Coogan :rotfl2:

03-02-2005, 03:51 PM
My calc professor when giving an example:
"The car and either either either either speed up or or or speed speed down"
(an no, the repition of words is not a typo)

03-02-2005, 04:22 PM
I have too many to list them all off the top of my head. Seems that in order to be a law professor, you must also have a degree in stand-up comedy.

Civil procedure professor talking about contracts professor:
"Oh yea, I'm sure [Professor] Maggs is loaded. Look how he dresses - if I had that much money, I wouldn't give a s**t what I looked like either."

Criminal procedure talking about police conduct after searching a residence:
"What do you want them to do? Close their eyes and get out the seeing-eye dogs?"

Advocacy professor talking about putting a positive spin on your case:
"So maaaybe the company you represent makes rat poison, and maaaaybe the poison caused some people cancer. But in the scheme of things, they were providing a service and giving jobs to their employees. And hey, think of all the dead rats!"

03-02-2005, 08:45 PM
One of my friends computer science professors:
Hi, I'm Dr. Smith, I'll be your professor for this semester. Your TA's name, well, don't even attempt to pronounce it, you won't be able to. Instead, she has requested that you call her "Kay"

03-02-2005, 09:23 PM
OOoooo I have a lot of them!

McGettigan (philosophy): Someone stop me! Save me from myself!
And what is beyond Chicago? Wasteland!
So if there is no truth why learn anything? Because I said so.
Reilly (Statistics commenting on bachelors and strippers): So I guess I have
to get that darn Carmen Electra's stipper video and start
Tardy (Juvenile Justice): Some boot camps work, keeping people from crime.
Otherwise you just end up with criminals who are stronger, faster
and can get up earlier to commit crimes!

03-02-2005, 09:29 PM
I have a lot of funny quotations from a lot of different people. I write them down, in fact. Off the top of my head, I have one from a recent theological class. "So, this is what you do if you want to talk like a Bible . . . "

I have much better ones but I can't think of them off the top of my head. One that I remember from my high school sociology professor is: "Good morning class. What a beautiful morning! You can hear the birds screaming in the trees because they have been frozen to the branches all night. Spring has sprung."

I'll have to go look some more up. I know I have a pile from my high school days.


03-02-2005, 09:45 PM
Here are some from my high school days. Brought back a lot of memories digging these out. Makes me want to start more threads about quotations. I have a lot.

Grade 12 Biology Teacher: "You couldn't make a celery desk, now, could you? Let celery die and try to sit on thet."

Grade 12 Biology Teacher: "Your heart doesn't usually explode when you run. Take that into account."

Grade 12 Biology Teacher: "What happened to the other hydrogen atom?"
Chemistry Teacher: "It's gone."
Grade 12 Biology Teacher: "But where did it go?"
Chemistry Teacher: "...Away."

Debating Coach/Vice Principal: "Karl Marx had little to say about the Canadian Wheat Board."

Debating Coach/Vice Principal: "Time to get passionate."

Debating Coach/Vice Principal: "I don't do anyone's ding-a-ling."

Physics Teacher: "A straight line is a curve that isn't curved. It's a straight curve. It's a special curve."

Physics Teacher: "When you all have found the point of incest..."

Grade 11 Economics Teacher: "Another name for water: land."

Grade 11 Math Teacher: "I am twice as old as my mother."


03-03-2005, 02:45 AM

03-03-2005, 09:53 AM
My theater Prof Fresh. year... "That is how theater began.... with a goat and an orgy"

03-03-2005, 11:44 AM
They cannot play sport this is war.
-Dr Leedom
I have like five pages of notes just with what my two professors say that cracks the class up. :earboy2:

03-03-2005, 01:24 PM
A Haiku is a five stanza poem.
-Rasparda :rotfl2:

Even I know that is not the case and she is supposed to be our teacher.

03-04-2005, 05:44 PM
My Sociology professer Mr. Altman likes to use the quote, "oh no saber-tooth tiger breath." that's my favorite one so far.

Tink the Rock Star
03-06-2005, 11:37 PM
Math- Mr. Cooley: "Whatever creams your Twinkie..."
Adv. American Lit.- Mrs. Rose: "So basically Hester was just waiting to jump Dimsdale's bones..." ---Yes she was talking about the Scarlet Letter.... she's just a bit crazy......... :rotfl:

03-07-2005, 09:43 AM
The Progressive movment was not a movement but a set of movments of sheep.

So we have movments of sheep in American History.

03-07-2005, 12:32 PM
Today in Bio:

"Never Fear, Dr. Skipper is here!"

He was talking about how he calculated all the net products of anaerobic glycolysis for us. It was just as interesting as it sounds :crazy:.

03-07-2005, 04:09 PM
"Plants aren't like the stupid morons who run this department" My graduate bio TA in lab this afternoon

"I know you guys get off on balancing equations" my chem professor

Needless to say my professors are kind of odd this semester

03-09-2005, 09:30 AM
Dr. Neville (History 101):
"The Islamic Invaded Crypus in the year (??)...Wait a minute... ****, they got boats!! Europe now has a 50/50 chance of surival."

Dr. Mayhall (History 102):
"I got you for a full 50 minutes, not 47 or 52 but 50 minutes."

Mr. Jack Warren (High school Math Teacher):
draw my Z's with a slash.. just like that so you don't get them mixed up.

Now the next problem, there ish a thank you attached to thish one

Ya might as well go out in the hallways and (slit) slit ya throat.

I was in the hallways and I couldn't hear myself think because you're all so loud. Whats there to talk about?

Geesh I gotta shpend 3 minutes dealing with that bologna.

03-09-2005, 10:01 AM
In my plants in human cultures class we were studying plant reproduction and she was talking about asexual (or vegetative) reproduction.
She says, "so there is no sex involved. at least with the plants. the farmers are still having sex. at least I hope they are."

03-13-2005, 06:06 PM
"Some scholars will bend over backwards to say that Shakespeare never bent over forwards." ~My British Lit. Professor

04-08-2005, 11:48 AM
:Pinkbounc :bounce: :Pinkbounc :bounce:
Bump because my Sociology Professor said something funny today.

"I don't see any pointy ears in this class, none of us are Vulcan"

04-11-2005, 07:02 PM
This is not so much of a funny quote, but it's the only truly memorable quote I can remember off hand. [contains adult language] I had a Poli Sci class on Sept 11, 2001, after the attacks. The prof had a shorten lecture that day. He was looking down, talking from his notes, all of a sudden stopped lecturing, looked up at the class and said, "You know, I wish the guys who did this (the attacks) could see this. This has got to be the ultimate F*ck You!! (and waved both birds) To see a bunch of American students studying the Consitution." After that he returned to his notes and continued with the lecture like nothing happened. Since this was mainly a freshman class, and considering the day's events, we were more stunned than anything else, but thats been the one memorable lecture I've had thus far in college.

04-11-2005, 08:18 PM
"The dinosaurs went "poof"" -My geology professor in reference to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

"3squared + 3 is equal to 6. Oh. C**p. S**t. What is it?" My calc professor solving an integral.

05-07-2005, 08:48 AM
LOL :rotfl:

05-07-2005, 01:16 PM
(This is me and some sig eps at the bar) "Dr. F*******, how come your *** is always riding those beach cruisers around campus and ****, don't you have a car?"
(His Response): Gents, I may have a PHD and many other recognitions for the work I have done over the years, but for some reason the V.P.D. doesn't seem to take that stuff into accound when you are driving intoxicated. I have had 4 D.U.I.s...I am not allowed to drive. And what's worse, I have a Mercedes Benz SL 500...It's sad guys, really sad.

05-07-2005, 03:31 PM
My EE Prof, the review class before the final, scuffles in hunchbacked, sweating profusely, very, VERY late. He slams his book down on the desk and for 5 minutes goes on and on screaming at us statements such as, "I'm tired of answering question from all the idiots in this class!", "You're all such morons, I don't know why I waste my time teaching!" etc. He concludes with yelling, "The exam is next Tuesday at 10 am! I have taught you ALL that I know! I expect you to be ready."

He finally takes a breather, pacing the front of the class, hunchbacked, then in a calm, Dr. Jeckle voice clasps his hands together straightens up to look at us and asks, "OK then, are there any questions about the material?"
:ssst: :yo-yo: What a nutter! :rolleyes1
Worse yet, he became head of the EE dept. after I graduated.