Help! I Don't Want to Be Rude!

[aubriee]

I'd planned to give my 8 y/o GD a trip to WDW for Christmas, then my exhusband let me know that her dad (who's had a really rough year) would like to go, but didn't want to ask. I couldn't give him a trip without giving the same thing to my younger son and his wife (who's pregnant right now). So now I'm giving two trips to WDW (one in January and the second in Sept--which is when my son and D-I-L want to go). I decided it would be more cost effective to get myself an AP. After thinking about it and reading about solo trips here and on other forums, I decided to take the plunge and plan two solo trips (May & Dec). I've never gone anywhere by myself and you have no idea how frightening this was for me, but now I'm soooo excited to be able to go and do what I want. I mentioned the two solo trips to my son the other day and now my exhusband has called and said he might tag along. My 71 y/o mother, who is a very bad diabetic and has arthritis and can't walk for more than a few minutes has also decided she would like to go (since I'd have 'plenty of space in my room'). When I mentioned the diabetes and walking to my mother she said she would rent a ECV and we would just have to stop a little more frequently so she could eat her snacks and be careful with the heat, and take a few more rest stops, and I wouldn't have to miss that many rides, but if I didn't want my own mother to go as bad as she needed a break from my dad then she guess she didn't have to go, but I better remember I may not always have a mother to take and she'd give anything if she still had her mother to take on trips, etc--you get the idea (guilt trip). My husband and I seperated last May and I thought about telling her he was also wanting to go, but the thing is I really want to make a trip just for me. Selfish? My mother's favorite phrase is 'I'm going to let you buy this for me', so even if she says she'll pay for her airfare and tickets, I know I'll wind up paying for all her meals and souveniers and I just can't afford it. Also I won't get to do anything I want to. I know I sound selfish, but you would have to know my mother--she specializes in guilt trips and 'poor pitiful me'. I can't believe she would even want to go--she doesn't do rides and can't stand shows. Also I can't seem to get my ex to understand that even though I said I wanted us to remain friends, I don't want to go on vacation with him. Sorry this is long, but I really needed to rant. I don't want to be rude to either of them, but I want to go alone. HELP!!!

[bobbiwoz]

Gosh! SOMEHOW I would dig deep inside myself to find the courage to say, "I am doing one trip alone" and if you really want both alone, then say that.

As late as this summer, my mom was ranting about something and as I stepped back from the situation, it was almost comical, like someone was talking and I just wasn't hearing. She was moving her lips and I just wasn't getting it. It felt wonderful. I'm in my 50's she's going to be 85 on this great trip our family has planned. DH and I are providing rooms for all. I have no doubt that I'm not the perfect daughter and somehow very recently, I came to realize that that's life, and life is good, and yes somethings can be "MY WAY!"

Pixie dust to help you decide. I do hope you have great trips and make wonderful memories whatever you do.

Bobbi :wizard:

[taswira]

LOL. Sometimes I think we should get all our "senior parents" together for their own "meet" - particularly those who walk slowly, require frequent rest stops and snack breaks (like my Type 2 diabetic mom), and may be a bit quirky about their likes and dislikes. Perhaps they would enjoy each others' company? :teleport:

[boucheresq]

you are under no obligation to take either of them. with your ex, I would let him know that, although you appreciate that he wants to remain friends and spend time together, you really need "alone" time for yourself. Regarding your mother, I would tell her that, although you love her, you are an adult and can make your own decisions and you have decided to go on your own. I had to do that once and told my guilt tripping mother that I needed a stress free trip without worrying for anyone's needs but my own. I know it will be difficult, but you can do it - it's either that or go insane on that trip. I think I would take the former instead of the latter. Good luck and let us know what happened!

[jkovick]

It sounds like you are a very kind hearted person that wants "everyone to be happy". I give you a lot of credit for being so thoughtful.
On the other hand, your family is treating you very poorly. It is rude for anyone to just invite themselves into your plans with no consideration for you. It sounds like you need to be very brave and let it be known that this trip is JUST FOR YOU. If you really want to have a trip with your Mom and ex etc, plan it for another time---but not during YOUR TIME. No one has a right to use you as a doormat and dictate your vacation. Be strong. I'm pulling for you!!

[spiceycat]

boy you sound like me....

mother kepts inviting herself along - and yes I have to pay for everything and I mean everything. then we fight because she wants to go out to eat more often than I do.

I have a bunch of food allergies and eating out is not FUN for me.

She is NOT going in May.

one of her treats will come back to haunt her. the doctor told her not to ride that far.....

I just wish I could help - but my mother does the same to me - ALOT.

As far as you ex-husband - just remind him - he is your ex.

I think your son might have though you wanted company - I know you really don't - but sometimes men have a hard time understanding this point.

can you go without either your mother or your ex-husband knowing it - I know coward way out....

Tell me how you plan the situation with your mother - mind has been accompaning me for 20 years - enough is enough!!!

[Colorado Belle]

Hmmm.....well, first I would say that I had to cancel the trip...something came up at work...darn. THEN, I wouldn't tell either mom or X about a new plan...perhaps you could take a long weekend and 'imply' that you were off with a friend. (and maybe X should think that it was off with a SPECIAL FRIEND. (cause of course Mickey IS a special friend, no?

If your mom said 'oh I'm going to let you buy that for me' perhaps you could smile sweetly and say: oh, but then it would spoil the surprise.

I am giving out tough love ideas, but I am a sucker for doing everything for my family....and they all act appalled the few times I've said I wanted something for myself...like HOW DARE I? I realize now, after a broken 25 year marriage and a 4 year battle of divorce...that I 'excused' bad behaviors from my family and thus enabled more bad behaviors. Don't fall into my trap.

The honestly of just saying : I'd like to try a solo vacation is much harder for those of us who were always willing to do FOR our families. If you have the strength to hold onto your desire to fly solo, wonderful...honesty is the best policy! But sometimes, you have to fight passive aggressive family with a little manipulating of your own.

Good luck!
Colorado Belle

[Alaska Catdog]

"Guilt is a useless emotion" think about it, guilt does nothing for you. Take action and empower yourself by telling your family that you are truly looking forward to proving to yourself that you can go solo and have a great time, if they don't like it "they can lump it". They can try to make you guilty but you decide to absorb that guilt or refuse to accept it. Just mho.

[aubriee]

boy you sound like me....
mother kepts inviting herself along - and yes I have to pay for everything and I mean everything. She is NOT going in May.
I just wish I could help - but my mother does the same to me - ALOT.
As far as you ex-husband - just remind him - he is your ex.
I think your son might have though you wanted company - I know you really don't - but sometimes men have a hard time understanding this point.
can you go without either your mother or your ex-husband knowing it - I know coward way out....
Tell me how you plan the situation with your mother - mind has been accompaning me for 20 years - enough is enough!!!

Hi Pat! I've spoken to you on another forum. I don't know if you remember, but you gave me some advice on the WDW kennels and on flying with my little dog. I really appreciated it. Maybe I can tell my mom and my ex both, that Maggie (my schih tzu) needs some time alone with me, because she's been feeling neglected with all the hours I'm having to work :rolleyes: :rolleyes: It may sound terrible, but I would much rather go to WDW with my dog than my mom or ex.

[ChisJo]

I can appreciate the feelings of obligations to your family - I have them everyday. But, you need to remember yourself first and foremost. This is your time. You are now getting over your relationship with you husband, and you are at that time in your life that you want your own time. So, I would just tell your mom and your EX that they are not coming, and that's final. If they don't understand, and they start with their guilt trip, stop answering your phone for awhile, stop talking with them for a week or two (or a month). My father and his mother were the same. She made him feel so bad for everything and blamed him for all her problems in life. He finally stopped calling her and taking her calls - he had to for his own sake and for hers. She finally got it after awhile, but it took a little bit of truth and time to heal. Additionally, I would tell my mother that until she gives you the money for the airfare and hotel, you are not booking her trip because you just do not have the financial capability to do it. As for your ex, what part of ex does he not understand? Maintaining a friendship is one thing, but taking holidays together? Isn't that stretching it a bit?
Maybe I am too far in left field, but I would say a little hard truth might help you a bit.
Jo

[doubletrouble_vb]

I would tell your family emphatically that you need to be by yourself on your May trip. Your mother can't handle a trip in May and there is no reason to even give this a try. Be silent about the December trip. As you get closer to the point where you have to book the flights you may find you'd like company to see Disney at Christmas. With the lower temperatures your mother could handle it. And if you want the solo trip in December you would have established the precedent with your May trip.

I have to laugh because this is coming up for me. I recently moved in with my Mom and I'm trying to gradually acclimatize her to my way of handling my life. For example I have a MLKing trip to Disney that I mentioned once and will mention again after Christmas.

[floridagirrl2]

My own experience (and it may not apply to you!)--There are some people one can never please, no matter how hard one tries. The more one does for them, the more rights they think they have to one's time/money/energy!

And the more one tries to please them, the more their expectations just get higher and higher . By chronically giving in, always trying to please, etc., we train people to treat us like this.

Think about it...do these people try to please US?? Or they just bottomless pits of gimme, gimme neediness? Do the people we try so hard to please, try just as hard to please us? Generally not.

Don't worry about the ex--just tell him no, you are going by yourself. Be gentle but firm with your mother--it will be way too hot for her in May (I personally would never go to WDW after March!) and she would not be able to tolerate the heat. I wouldn't get into a long discussion with her or try to persuade her of anything--just tell her it will be too hot for her and that you will be going alone. Don't let her drag you into any further discussion about it.

We have to train ourselves as much as we train other people :D . You don't need to bring up WDW to your mom or ex again, ever (except to let them know they will not be accompanying you). I purposely don't let the "gimme" people in my life know that I have a WDW annual pass. In fact, I never discuss vacations, car purchases, or anything else with the people in my life who feel "entitled" because I know it will just incite the "poor me, I wish I could have that-do that-be that" kind of thing.

[LeoGrrrrl1982]

Mothers will be mothers......and guilt tripping seems to be a special gift sent to them from above!
The way I look at it is....you shouldnt let anyone (including your mom) take advantage of you.
I am 22 years old and my mother and I love doing things together..but sometimes I need my space. She understand this (has even given up the 20 questions game "who will be there?" "where are you going" "what do you do there?"). As a result we actually have a more open relationship because when im not put on the burner to answer questions...I dont mind sharing.
It wasnt always like this though...my mom would guilt trip, invite herself over to my place, make plans for me on ALL of my weekends off (Im a nurse, work every other weekend).
One day after a particularly gut-wrenching guilt trip (if I hadnt been so mad at her I wouldnt nominated her for an Oscar), I had to say enough is enough. I took a moment, a deep breath and said "Mom, you are as lucky to have a daughter like me as I am to have a mother like you." She was speechless ( a first!). I went on to say "I know that you know I love you, I make sure of this...I have never said anything like this before because I didnt want to hurt your feelings...but you dont give me enough credit. I spend more time with you, make more phone calls to you, and include you in my life more then anybody I know. "
It seemed to do the trick. Sometimes parents can be like children...when they find a way that they can get their way...they use it (again and again) until you finally say ENOUGH....and then they know the limits :smooth:

[Otimon]

Pass up the guilt trip (you have nothing to feel guilty about) and come on down yourself. Everyone will adjust.

We'll be waiting for you. :hug:

[lomillerin]

I have just recently chosen to stop getting stressed about family. My mom is the most pessimistic person I have ever known.
I have finally just had it and have put a little distance, because life is tooooooo short to worry all the time.
This last Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving that I did not do something with my mother and it was the first that I actually enjoyed. We went out to dinner and saw Polar Express with our kids. We put up our Christmas tree. It was wonderful. I thought I would feel guilty, but you know, it was so nice, I didn't care at all.

[henrylovespooh]

I agree that you have to bite the bullet and go alone. You will waste one or two trips if you don't. You will go into the trip angry and it will only get worse. I mean no offense to anyone, but Disney is not the place for people who don't like rides, don't like shows, don't like heat, etc. It might be painful to be direct, but it will be more painful to waste all the money on a trip you won't enjoy.

Have a great time! :flower1:

[JoyMouse]

Go, enjoy and don't feel guilty! You deserve it! :D

[Trena]

Last February I planned a romantic trip to WDW for our anniversary with ress. at Animal Kingdom. My mother invited herself. Then she invited her twin. Then we decided we might as well take our 2 kids if others were comming. We stayed off site in a condo. We had to rent her a scooter.

Its almost February again. I have booked AK and made it clear that I love my family, but they weren't invited.

Be loving but be firm. Its ok to do something for yourself. Tell your mom no, tell your ex no, tell your son-in-law no.

Trena

[spiceycat]

boy I am glad that other mothers invited themselves along and try to rule others lives too...

thanks!!!

[jeancbpugh]

A friend of mine likes to say, "If someone is going to be unhappy, it might as well not be me."

[floridagirrl2]

A friend of mine likes to say, "If someone is going to be unhappy, it might as well not be me."


Oh my goodness! That might have to become my new sig line!! TOO FUNNY!! pirate:

[aubriee]

I am going to WDW by myself in May. :jumping4: I told my mother she can come with me when I go in December, but I plan to get up early everyday to be at park opening, will be on the run all day, and she would need to carry plenty of snacks (for her diabetes) as well as money for her meals and souveniers as I would be traveling on a tight budget. I also told her she would have to pay her airfare as soon as I booked and would need to rent herself an ECV as there is no way she could do the walking required. Well, she immediately started saying she didn't know if she could afford it and assumed that since I had given my two sons (and GD and D-I-L) trips for Christmas that I would naturally pay her way too (afterall she is my only mother and I won't have her forever). I stuck to my guns and told her I simply couldn't afford it. She then suggested I cancel the May trip, so I could afford to take her in December, but again I told her I needed the time alone. Anyway she is thinking about it. I feel like a horrible daughter, but am not changing my mind. As for as my exhusband, I could strangle my dear sweet D-I-L. She has invited him along for our Sept trip and he thinks that would be great as he can keep me company :earseek: while my son and D-I-L spend time alone and it would give him more time to save some money. Oh well, at least I'm going solo in May and maybe Dec.

[spiceycat]

hey I would explain to your DIL that the last person you want around you is your ex...

I bet she is trying to be matchmaker....

she invited him - she can just uninvited him.

tell her you would rather have your mother than your ex....

[jghra]

Glad to read you stood your ground in May. I don't have this problem with my Mom (yet), but with my Grandma. She plays guilt trip on my Mom and I. More so my Mom though. We are getting smartier about it!!
We started realizing she doesn't do this to my Mom's sister (my Aunt), so we try to just ignore some of the comments that are made to draw us in. Sometimes we feel bad or mean, but this is our life too!!! So we hold our own and pat each other on the back later saying we did GOOD!!!

DH and I took my Mom last October without telling Grandma (until we got back), even though Grandma was already in Florida visiting her sister and it is only a 3 hour drive away. The last time my Mom had gone to WDW was with all of us and Grandma. I just wanted her to go and enjoy herself with no Guilt Trip. I admit when Mom goes I am always trying to make sure everyone is having a good time (Guilty of this big time). But I had had 2 other trips since the last Grandma trip, so I was ready to spoil Mom a little on the October trip.

Mom and I have invited Grandma along with other family members next December for our first cruise.

I enjoy it so much more when I get to invite someone instead of them inviting themselves!!! I hope you have a great time in May going Solo and whatever happens I hope you enjoy all your other trips as well!!!

You Go Girl!! :cheer2:

[Taja]

Wow! I always appreciated my parents, but now I don't think I appreicated them enough! :) We did things together regularly, but they never said or did anything to make me feel guilty when I wanted to do things (i.e., travel) alone!

I'm glad you stood up to your mother and will be going solo in May! You'll really enjoy it. And congratulations on standing up to her for the December trip, as well.

I agree with spiceycat that your DIL should uninvite your ex on the September trip. You are paying for your DS and DIL--it is your trip. She does not have the right to invite anyone else without consulting you!

Personally, I would "uninvite" both your DS and DIL unless they uninvite your ex--and go solo! :)

Sometimes I am not a nice person! :)

[MagicKingdom05]

I agree. Since the DIL invited the EX let her tell him the trip is not going to happen. If in the end he still decides to go, then make sure he knows that he's on his own for the entire trip, and that you are there for some alone time.

[bmt337]

We took a trip (my husband and I) to Orlando with our two kids in Oct. of 2004. I thought my husband would enjoy having someone around to go places with (hobby shops), nascar, Daytona Speedway so I asked a friend of his to come along, he just retired. Fairly young sixty. We could never have prepared for what we went through when we were away. I had explained to him so he would know beforehand that there would be days that I would do things alone with our kids at the theme parks and he and my husband could go off and do things of their own. And other days that we could do things together as a group. However, it didn't quite go that way. Once we got there, actually it was the first day there, we drove for four hours looking for a hobby shop (he collects model car kids) that he hadn't seen since 1979. The third day we spent another five hours driving around looking for a hobby shop (in a long list of hobby shops he compiled before we left). Later that week we spent twelve hours in a car on the Clearwater/Tampa side driving around looking for hobby shops that he hadn't seen in twenty five years. Any attempts to get him to look in the telephone book or to call to see if they were even still in business fell on deaf ears. To say the least I was extremely upset and extremely unhappy for having put us all in that situation. It didn't matter how many times I told him that maybe we should get on with what we had planned for the day, he completely ignored me. After a couple of days he flatly refused to talk to me or my children, even though he shared the same villa but he would speak to my husband. I had paid for the villa (5* resort) with my vacation pay last year. And never asked him to share in any of the cost except for what groceries he wanted to buy for himself. He wouldn't eat at the villa, go swimming, sit out by the pool, locked himself in his room as soon as we returned to the villa each night and refused to go to any of the theme parks even though he was told where I had wanted to go with the kids before we even left on the trip. His reasoning was that he had done the theme parks when he was there in 1979. The few times he mentoned his wife it was in a almost "put down" way. We were shocked. We saw a side of this person we had never seen. He confided that he had been taking ball room dancing lessons for the last year and a half. And said that his wife didn't know about it. Thinking that he was taking the lessons to impress his wife and that he was planning on telling her when he had gotten good enough. He said he didn't know if he ever intended to tell her about it. He was moody, rude and let it be known that he just tolerated our boys who are 9 and 12. To say the least, it was the worst vacation we've ever had. Never in a million years would have thought that he was like that. I have never had a vacation away from my husband and boys. Before I got married, I used to be spontanteous, and I wasn't afraid to go away by myself. When my husband goes away with work it doesn't seem to bother him. Although I know he misses me he doesn't seem to struggle with going by himself like I do. I know I"m getting older (47) but sometimes I feel like I've lost more than just a few years along the way. I'm great at doing for everyone else, but do little if anything for myself. I can always justify why I don't need it. I want so much to go, especially after our "disaster" trip in October. I just got my vacation pay. I was starting to think that I could use part of it to build a camp/fort for my kids on our property and give some to my husband to go to a Nascar race and realized that I was doing it again. I'm going to look at the fares and see what I can get thats reasonable. I'm not sure what to do as far as a hotel goes. I can be strong and focused when it comes to being there for my family but I feel indecisive and unsure when it comes to planning and making a solo trip to WDW by myself. You have all been an inspiration to me. And I am really going to try to make this happen. Thanks so much.


Debbie

[spiceycat]

Debbie - go for it!!!

in the value resorts I like Pop Century

in the moderates - POR

in the deluxes - Polyn, WL or BC

it really sounds like you need to spend your money on you for a change!!!

I am so sorry that person caused you such pain - just never invited him to anything again....

[robinb]

I am going to WDW by myself in May. :jumping4: I told my mother she can come with me when I go in December

I think that's a good compromise. Your mother, for all her guilt trips and nagging, is right. You won't have her around for much longer. Your December mother/daughter trip may be the one that you remember fondly when she is gone.

BTW, can you please use paragraphs? It's really hard to read your posts when one idea runs into another :(.

[floridagirrl2]

We saw a side of this person we had never seen.

What a nightmare trip! You definitely deserve to have a fun trip and do the things YOU want to do.

[cyndylou]

Let's review: the original plan was to take only your granddaughter with you, then you allowed yourself to be guilted into giving trips to three others, and now maybe your ex and your mother. Sounds like you have allowed yourself to be pushed around for awhile. And now you are crying out to help from strangers! Reality check: no one can make you do something you do not want to do. So stand up tall, straighten your shoulders, and do what YOU want to do. That reflects inner strength, confidence, and maturity. Good luck!

[EthansMom]

Okay, so you started with one trip for yourself and your GD. Then, because you were afraid you might hurt the feelings of a grown adult, you invited your son (GD's dad) on that trip. I'm assuming you then invited you other son and DIL, who apparently said, "no that time isn't good for us", so you're taking YET ANOTHER trip for them, at their convenience.

In order to get some kind of peace and quiet, you've decided to take two additional trips on your own. And your DIL invited your ex to go with you on your own trip. And your mother wants you to take her on the other trip in order to wait hand and foot on her.

Stand up for yourself. Let DIL nicely know that you are no longer married to your ex for a reason. Let your both of your sons and DIL know, "This is the time I am able to take everyone, if you can't come, then I will be disappointed." You're planning 11 months in advance, if they want to come, they will.

Also, let everyone know EXACTLY what you plan to pay for. I wouldn't pay for food or spending money for grown adults. And I would ONLY pay for all of the trips for my grown kids if it was something I could easily afford. Even then, I would let the adults know that the trip is their Christmas present -- no need to get anything else.

Also, let everyone know that your other trips are for you. Don't give them your flight info or hotel plans (until and unless necessary) and no one can plan to go with you.

As for your Mom, let her know that your trips are for you and that while you would love to spend time with her, you don't think that you would be able to provide all of the support she would need at WDW. Then discuss something local the two of you might do together -- a nice show and lunch? Maybe plan a few different things.

Don't be afraid to be rude. Be polite, but firm. And don't let others make your decisions for you. If someone wants to be offended by the fact that you are finally standing up for yourself, then let them be offended. You can't be held responsible for everyone else's happiness.

Best of Luck!

EthansMom