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A1A1
11-18-2003, 07:09 PM
Finally.....I am going to get my life back together. When my darling husband became so sick six years ago, I lost myself. I am unsure whether or not he knows who I am or even who he is. He is a shadow of the vibrant, wonderful, life-loving man he was before. I know he knew how deep my love for him was. I hope that is the thing that keeps him going. Our daughter was born one month after I lost him to his illness. I have been raising her in a way that I hope he would approve of. I have, though, totally neglected myself. I have hated myself. I lost myself.

I want to get it together........finally.........and make him proud of me. After he got sick, I gained over 80 pounds. I just ate to numb the pain. I ate for companionship. I ate for entertainment.

I have become very concerned about my health. I don't want our daughter to lose two parents. I want to feel good about myself again, instead of feeling like the total loser and failure that I have felt like. I want to be healthy. I want to fit in nice clothing. I want to sit comfortably on the airplane to WDW. I want to walk around WDW without worrying about who is thinking that I'm fat. I want to live each day without constantly thinking about food, and how I'm going to get my next food "fix".

Finally.:rolleyes:

A1A1
11-20-2003, 05:06 PM
I am amazed at how well I am doing. Keeping strictly low carb. I haven't had time the past two mornings to weigh myself, so I don't know how I am doing. The last weight was 213, which means I am down 2 from my starting weight.

I am so glad to find WISH. I hope I can continue.

I gave candy out all day today, and resisted the urge. It has been very helpful to have a water bottle with me every day.

I get a little nervous, because the last time I did Atkins, I lost weight very quickly, and also lost a lot of my hair. My hair is finally grown in again.

I am very proud of myself. Go ME!

DoeWDW
11-21-2003, 07:21 AM
Here's a :hug: for you and all you're doing to help yourself feel great again! You have taken the first steps....the hardest steps...on this journey of learning to love yourself again. You wrote that you're proud of you, and you should be!!! Even though you have felt low, you have been stronger than you realize. You've worked hard to raise your DD under such very difficult circumstances and without the help of a partner. You've accomplished so much, and now you are taking steps to accomplish even more!!

Don't forget that this will be a journey, probably a long one. There will be bumps in the road and even the occasional detour, but you will always be able to find your way back to the path. You don't have to RUN, you don't even have to WALK yet. Take baby steps, one foot in front of the other. Try not to change too much at once or you may feel overwhelmed.

Drink your water! It is one of your best friends! Eating low-carb is great - I also eat low-carb. Please make sure you're getting enough food and especially enough fat. I'll do a little research into what might cause hair loss on low-carb and let you know. If we can find the reason, then we can prevent it from happening again, right??

I'm glad you've chosen to start a journal. My journal has helped me so much and so often that I can't imagine taking this journey without it!

I'll be checking back in! In the meantime, I hope you're having a great day! :sunny:

Edit: 10:30 AM
Here are some links to stuff on hair loss and low-carb dieting. I've never had the problem so I don't have a solution. I'm just hoping that you might find a clue in one of these links.

http://www.dietlowcarb.com/resources/hairloss.php

All the way at the bottom of the page, under "Letters"
http://www.lowcarbluxury.com/newsletter/lclnewsvol02-no07.html#letters

A whole thread on another board dedicated to hair loss
http://www.atkinsdietbulletinboard.com/viewtopic.php?t=662&highlight=

Short
http://www.lowcarbing.com/ask/730.htm

There's a question about hair loss on low-carb on this page - find it and click to get to the answer.
http://www.deepdiscountnutrition.com/freqasques.html

Maybe you should post the question of hair loss on a low-carb diet to the main WISH page. You never know who else around here has had the same experience.

Have a sunny day! :sunny:

A1A1
11-21-2003, 07:40 PM
DoeWDW------Thank you so much. I read articles at every link you provided. Thank you, again. I learned so much. There are many treatments I can try. I am going to consult a physician, because of some things I read on one of the sites.

DoeWDW
11-22-2003, 07:17 AM
So many people here on the DIS, and specifically on the WISH board, have helped me. I've learned so much here from others. We all are here to help each other, right?? If there's anything else I can do, please let me know! :D

With you on the journey! :sunny:

A1A1
11-22-2003, 07:39 AM
I just had the best feeling. I posted to someone that we have to stop punishing ourselves for not being perfect---that we have to stop hating ourselves---start loving ourselves.
LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:sunny:


I know I have been hating myself for many years. I started liking myself again when I met my husband-----the best person I have ever known. When he got sick, I blamed myself, then he didn't get better. Of course, it was not my fault. But I felt so powerless. He is long gone from me now. I hated myself. Didn't know who I was anymore, and felt absolutely ROBBED of the life I thought I might have with someone I never thought I'd find. I am sad most of the time.

Our child was born shortly after he got so sick. I am raising her in a way in which I hope he would be proud. I still feel like a failure in so many ways. I am lousy at all the things he was good at. I have fouled up so many things that he used to take care of.

Okay........here I go with the self-loathing again. The only way I can stop hating myself for all the things I have let get away from me-including myself- is to make the necessary changes. I don't know what is going to come first, loving myself or making the changes. Maybe a little of both.

I love him and the memory of him. I love our child. I want to love myself, but I think that is going to take some time.

Since I started low carb about a week ago, I have lost 4 pounds. It feels good. I feel better. I am not feeling controlled by food right now. That feeling is wonderful. Control of something, when I have felt like I had control over nothing.

I would like to make changes in other areas as well. I am going to start getting more organized. Today is paperwork day. (My husband did all of that.) I was always terrible at it, so it was a benefit that he was so good. I can't escape anymore.


So---------good for me. I lost 4 pounds. I hope to lose another pound before Thanksgiving to reach my 5 pound goal. :wave:

A1A1
11-22-2003, 10:00 PM
Another good day. I did have many, many almonds and some macadamia nuts this evening as I worked on my computer. I hope I didn't do something awful. Otherwise, a great day. Felt great. I wish I looked better. Caught my reflection in the glass at the mall today. Yuck!

Stop the self-hatred.

I got some major paperwork organized today! I had 23 bills to mail, but ran out of checks. Of course. Well, I am proud of myself for addressing this very awful paperwork/bills situation. I have been dreading it, and have been procrastinating for about a year on some of these items. I am most pleased with doing this today. Even drove to the store to get stamps. Wish I would have had all the checks, so that I could have been done with it. Off my mind forever. Just a few more days, I guess.

I want to be a better person. I want to feel like the grown-up that I am. Like I am in control of my life.

Rewarded myself with a trip to the mall. Very proud that I didn't buy anything!!!!!!!!! Go me, again.:hyper:

A1A1
11-23-2003, 08:10 AM
YIPPEE! Weighed myself this morning. Down another.5, so that's 4.5 total. I wanted to lose 5 before Thanksgiving, so I see that that was reasonable.

I have some scrambled eggs, sausage, ricotta, onions, and pepper cheese in a meatloaf pan in the over. The buzzer just sounded. It's done. I hope to slice that up and freeze the slices for a quick breakfast when I am running late, which seems to be every day.

I love my daughter.



215+/210.5/155

A1A1
11-23-2003, 08:22 AM
The breakfast loaf is excellent. Hope I don't eat it all now!!!!!!!

A1A1
11-25-2003, 06:35 PM
Another good diet day. Scale didn't move, though. I ate ......... well I can't remember what I ate for breakfast. Remember having a cup of tea, and maybe a low carb bar. Lunch was two pouches of tuna with ranch dressing. I eat in my office, so that is what most convenient. I go to the cafeteria and squirt a little ranch dreing in the pouch. Just eat it with a fork. I had lots of water after that to wash it down.

Snack was a piece of cheese, I think.

Dinner was lots of cod with a salad. Water again. Oh, a snack while cooking was a handful of macadamia nuts. Those things are good. Little gems.

I hope to see the scale move tomorrow. Regardless, I feel better, and think my double chin is going away.


I hate flying, because I always am embarassed about "filling up" the seat. I hope that by summer time, if I go to WDW again, I will have more room in the airplane seat.

A1A1
11-26-2003, 06:10 AM
Yea! The scale moved again this morning, affirming my efforts. I got on first thing and it was down two pounds from the previous two days. Got on again a half hour later and it said a half pound higher. Goofy scale batteries must need to be changed. Glad to be down.

I MET MY THANKSGIVING GOAL!!!!! I wanted to lose 5 pounds, and as of today, have lost 6! Yea!

Very glad.

I hope I am prepared to deal with Thanksgiving, and that if I allow myself to indulge in some stuffing, that I don't hate myself later.

I have to stop this all or nothing thinking. I am doing very, very well. Love myself.:love1:

A1A1
11-27-2003, 07:47 AM
I am not going to weigh myself today. It's Thanksgiving. I feel good.

I was so tired last night, sometimes I just can't believe how tired I can get.

I have prepared some food to take with me to my father's house just in case. I am bringing shrimp, cole slaw, sf jello and whipped cream. I may make the mashed cauliflower if I have time, but it's looking like I won't have time.

Anyway, I hope to make it through the day with sil, whom I think is one of the worst persons I have ever known. Yuck.:mad:

DoeWDW
11-27-2003, 08:28 PM
I'm glad that you are starting to see results - it can be very motivating to watch that scale move.

Take good care of you - you're worth it!! :sunny:

A1A1
11-28-2003, 07:22 AM
Thank you, DoeWDW. You are such a nice person.


I survived the day yesterday. I didn't have any really huge challenges as I anticipated. I did have a major "oops" when I ate the other cocktail sauce and not the one I brought which I read only had 2 carbs. After indulging in quite a bit of shrimp and cocktail sauce, I saw the bottle in the fridge. 18 carbs per serving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What had I done. I must have had three servings at least.

Well, I got out my cocktail sauce instead.

On to dinner. I had some of the creamed corn, which I thought at the time was okay given the other selections. I now remember corn being of similar quality to potatoes. Not good. Then I had some of the creamy bean casserole. Also probably not good, but a better choice than the stuffing or mashed potatoes that went by me at the table. I did eat alot of cole slaw thinking that it was only cabbage and mayo, but it may have contained sugar. I want to find that out. I drank only water. I had two servings of sf jello with whipped cream, which I brought. A better choice than the pumpkin pie. I didn't even want any.

At least I had some entertainment, watching SIL chase her two year old ds around with handi-wipes. She has a serious problem. Serious germ phobic. She is going to make that kid nutty. Poor little thing. "Don't touch your face!!!!" She yelled. Poor little thing. He's the cutest little kid, but she needs help. He is not allowed to play with any other kids, because he might get germs from them. God forbid they go to daycare. She might put a mask on him if he's around daycare children. I didn't let her get to me this year, though. I just watched her go nutty without getting mad, like I usually do. Poor brother.

Back to food. Stopped at a friend's house after that for dessert. I had only water, and brought sf jello jigglers and fruit for the table. I hope I get my favorite dish back.

The scale was up 2.5 pounds today. I hope it's just from the salty shrimp. I hope I don't have to work twice as hard now to get that 2.5 off. I don't know what else I can do. I am staying very true to my plan, and not cheating at all, except yesterday, which wasn't any intentional cheating, just stupidity. I think I didn't do as poorly as I could have. Stuffing is my favorite thing. I didn't have any this year.

Onward and downward. All in all, I am proud of myself.:)

A1A1
11-28-2003, 08:11 PM
Another good diet day. Met MIL and other SIL at the mall. Haven't seen them in over a year. It was nice. We ate at Ruby Tuesday's. Tried the low carb chopped sirloin dish with the mashed cauli. It was very tasty. I liked it, and would definitely eat that again. Drank water.

Came home and had some almonds while I cooked chicken with Mrs. Dash's seasoning and salad. Again, water.

A good food day. Not hungry. Not cheating.

Walked the mall about three times. Some pretty good exercise. Got very depressed looking at myself in the mirror. Very self-conscious in front of MIL and SIL. They must think I have totally let myself go.
Stopped at another store on the way home. Bought a couple of very nice, but very expensive pants. I love everything I bought, but am unsure if it is smart to spend money right now, when I am losing weight, and hopefully will go down in size soon.

Very, very tired. Very, very, very tired. Going to bed. It's 9pm.:o :faint:

A1A1
11-29-2003, 07:27 AM
I had a great eating day yesterday. Hoped that the Thanksgiving gain would go away. For the most part, today, it has. I was back down to 209.5. My Thanksgiving weight was 209, but day after Thanksgiving, it was up to 211.5. I hope I keep going down.

I want to feel some relief on that airplane in a couple of weeks. I just hate the feeling of being crammed between the seat sides. Not only is it very uncomfortable, it is embarassing.

I am going to have another good day today.

DoeWDW
11-29-2003, 09:47 AM
Here's a little extra sunshine for your day! :sunny:

You're doing great! You are on the road to healthy living - even if others can't see the results yet. You should feel very proud of yourself! ::yes::

By the way, I was laughing at your Thanksgiving SIL story - she sounds VERY interesting! The story was funny but I feel sad for her son - what a way to grow up. :(

Onward and downward we go!

A1A1
11-29-2003, 04:41 PM
Thanks to DoeWDW, I am now doing Flylady baby steps.:confused:

A1A1
11-30-2003, 09:05 AM
I am very saddened that I am up again another pound. I have been following my low carb routine very well, and was proud of myself for having done so well.

I am disgusted.

DoeWDW
12-01-2003, 07:13 AM
Low-carb can be tricky at first. You probably just need to tweak things a bit. Are you eating enough fat? How many carbs a day are you eating? Are you eating too many nuts or too much cheese or too many low-carb bars - all of these can cause problems for some people. Are you drinking enough water?

Take a deep breath. You are making lots of changes right now and it will take a little time to figure out what works for you and what doesn't. Try not to get disgusted - just look at what you're doing and see if there are some changes that you need to make.

Recording the foods you eat in your journal every day can be very helpful since it allows you to go back and take an objective look at what you've been eating. It's easier to spot a potential problem that way.

You're doing just fine and you're working on being a healthier you so you can feel better and be a better mom for your daughter. It takes some work and some patience but I promise you're on the right track!

Here's a little extra sunshine to get you through! :sunny:

A1A1
12-01-2003, 07:14 PM
Weighed again today, sure that I would have lost something. What a dummy! Up again! Another half pound or one whole pound. Can't exactly remember. It was this morning, and I'm trying to forget.

I have not eaten any nuts today. I have not even eaten any cheese. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I am getting somewhat frustrated.:(

I ate:

Breakfast---one egg, three pieces of bacon, decaf with cream.

snack---low carb bar

lunch---7 oz tuna with ranch dressing and two teaspoons of relish.

dinner---turkey salad with 1 cup romaine lettuce. Turkey salad made with mayo, Mrs. Dash's seasoning, a little onion, and a little celery.

snack - three hot dogs with ranch dressing.

One of my co-workers saw me walking down the hall and said, "You look great!" I was surprised since I thought I looked horrible. Had no time to blow dry hair this morning, and no make-up. Yuk! I did a good job at work today. I am very tired, and should go right to bed.:o

A1A1
12-01-2003, 07:15 PM
Thanks DoeWDW. I look forward to your posts.

A1A1
12-02-2003, 06:12 AM
Up another half pound at least. I can't remember what my weight was yesterday. I am up either one pound or a half.

What am I doing wrong? I can't believe this. I am so upset. I can't do anything right.......................

LisaTx
12-02-2003, 04:33 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. I am inspired by your determination to improve yourself for you and your daughter.

I stopped by to see if you were posting menus to see if I could help you figure out what was causing you to gain. I know how frustrating it can be. Sometimes I gain and can not for the life of me figure out what I did wrong.

Please don't take any of this as being critical. I am not judging you at all. I have read a lot about low carb and about others struggles and would love to be able to help you if possible.

Like Doe mentioned, it would be very helpful for you to input all of your food on www.fitday.com I know you're not supposed to have to watch your calories on Atkins, but some people do have to. I try to keep mine between 1200 and 1400 per day. From the menu posted above it looks like you're eating a lot of protein and possible too many calories. Fitday would give you a better idea. Most people at the beginning of Atkins aim for 65% fat, 35% protein and 5% carbs.

You're not eating enough vegetables. You should be getting at least 3 cups of veggies each day. Most of your carbs should be coming from veggies.

There are lots of little things that could be a problem for you. Some people have to go back to a strict induction and add things in slowly to determine what it is that they are sensitive to.

Hot dogs and bacon have lots of sodium. It doesn't take much salt at all to make me retain water.

Low carb bars and nuts are know to cause stalls in lot of people. Some can handle them just fine. It's also very easy to overeat nuts. Be sure and measure out a serving. Don't just eat them out of the can.

Decaf still has some caffeine. If you're drinking a lot and you're sensitive to caffeine, it could be causing a problem. Also the cream would add up fast as well.

7 oz of tuna is a large serving of protein. You may need to cut back to 4 or 5 oz servings of protein.

What kind of ranch dressing are you using? Do you take your own to work? If the cafeteria has a low fat dressing, they are usually loaded with sugar to make up for the taste.

Have you checked the label on the pickel relish? Does it have sugar?

I'm not trying to be picky. Most of these things shouldn't be a problem, but are for some people. I really would like to help you figure out what the problem could be. :)

Don't get discouraged. You will find the solution and get healthy again. When you get discouraged just look at your precious daughter and remember why you are doing this. :)

A1A1
12-03-2003, 05:38 AM
Up another pound today. Thought I had a good day on low carb plan yesterday. I guess not. Maybe low carb isn't for me.

A1A1
12-03-2003, 09:17 PM
Went to fitday.com and put all the food I ate today into the computer. Turns out I ate a little over 1,000 calories, 88% fat, 4% carbs, and 8% protein. I don't really know what any of that means.

I also couldn't find the carbolite nutrition bar that I ate for lunch on the website.

DoeWDW
12-03-2003, 09:22 PM
Every food isn't in Fitday. Sometimes you have to enter it, like the Carbolite bar. Just copy the stuff from the nutrition label.

Your percentages look pretty good, but I'll do a more thorough analysis tomorrow (getting to be bedtime here). 1,000 calories is pretty low. You should be eating at least 1,200 to keep your body from going into starvation mode.

I'm so proud of you for sticking with this, despite how hard it's been for you. Keep at it. I just KNOW you'll figure out what works for you and your body. ::yes::

A1A1
12-06-2003, 07:56 AM
Feeling good on the whole. Proud to remain on my plan. Went to Olive Garden yesterday with DD. Previously, I went there for the bread sticks and alfredo dipping sauce. Any food beyond that didn't matter. Yesterday, I didn't eat a single bite of bread sticks. Good for me. I drank water, and ate the grilled chicken and sausage with veggies. No potatoes. I did eat the entire entree, though. Probably should have taken some home. Had dry salad with ranch on the side, because their italian seems so sweet.

I did not weigh myself this morning, and am going to try to do that only once per week or less. I am going to use my clothing as a guage.

My skin looks better.....more clear and light. I am always tired though when I come home from work. I was in bed by 8 pm last night. I was reading for a bit, but very soon fell asleep.

I ate breakfast. Two scrambled eggs. A little bit of low fat pepperoni and onions mixed in. Probably not supposed to eat onions. Only had about one tablespoon. Also decaf with cream and water.

I am proud of myself. Keep on keeping on.

A1A1
12-07-2003, 08:56 AM
Big Binge last night!!!!!! I was out of control. Kind of like being on autopilot.

I did very well during the day. I don't know if it was because of an event I went to, that may have subconsciously affected me more than I knew. A sad event. Christmas tree lighting to honor family members that died.

I had a major binge during the late evening. I was watching my favorite movie....Pride and Prejudice......and was overcome with the desire for bread. I ate 3/4 of an Olive Garden bread stick, two pieces of frozen garlic bread with tuna salad. Yuk. It was so not worth the binge. I also had a small bowl of ricotta cheese with spelda, walnuts, and chocolate whipped cream. Double Yuk!!!!!!!!!! It is like the filling for my grandmother's Italian cannolis. What was I thinking? I don't know what happened. I was totally out of control. It was one thing after another. I couldn't stop myself.

I started back on my low carb plan again this morning, but I do feel that my portions are way too big.

Breakfast: Three scrambled eggs with sausage and two slices of colby cheese. A tablespoon or so of salsa. Decaf coffee with cream.

I am only going to weigh myself once per week----try, try, try. I am going to make Sunday my weigh-in day. So weighed today, and have lost 6 pounds since November 16. I don't think that is very good. Maybe my binge really cost me. We'll see next week. I know that today will be better. I never really even want to cheat, so I don't know what happened to me yesterday. Very bad. I had hoped to lose 10 more pounds before my trip to WDW in 9 days. That, obviously, will not happen.

I really feel much better and lighter. Even after only 6 pounds. I feel like it's more than 6 pounds. My belly pouch is getting lots smaller. That is great. Sorry if this grosses anyone out. It is how I guage my initial weight loss.

I bought a pair of jeans last week, and am probably going to leave the tags on and return them in a few days. The waist is too big for me to wear them now.

ZerasPride
12-07-2003, 09:10 AM
I just wanted to say that I have been reading your journal entries and want you to know that you are inspiring me. You have gone through so much and basically have not let it detract you from your goal. I think losing 6 pounds is awesome! Please do not give up. I am a newbie at this and find so such encouragement and support from other people posting, even if you do have a slip up every now and then. I am sure you learned a lot from your binge, and are ready to re-commit yourself to a healthy way of eating.

I applaud you for being able to be so strong at Olive Garden. Thatís one of my favorites and I donít know if Iíll be able to eat there anytime soon surrounded by all that pasta and bread!

Take care and remember you have support and encouragement here.

A1A1
12-07-2003, 11:16 AM
Lisa, Thank you so much for your reply. It helps immensely when there is someone there sharing your journey. This is a really big deal for me right now. It's about the biggest thing. I am trying to make some other changes as well, and get the paperwork, financial end of my life in order, too. That's easy to get frustrated with just like dieting. These are both going to be lifestyle changes for me. I have been burying my head in the sand for too long.

My father keeps reminding me that these are the cards I have been dealt, and I have to play them. I am not ready to fold.:goodvibes

A1A1
12-08-2003, 06:21 PM
Had a good food day today. I don't remember what I ate for breakfast...........Hum...........let me think took my thyroid medicine...............hum........................ ............................................oh, yeah......... a Carbwise bar, which I liked very much.

lunch was a few slices of deli turkey
a cup of decaf tea...................another cup of decaf tea......................
a few almonds. I think that was it.

Dinner: some hamburger, zucchini, and peas in beef broth.

A huge glass of water. That is all. I am very thirsty. Broth must have been salty. I bought a ham last night for .99 per poun (very cheap), so I cut it up and froze it before I went to bed. Of course, I snacked on a few little pieces of ham while I was cutting. Salty, I'm sure.



I have a job interview on Thursday. I hope my suit fits. I will have to take it to the dry cleaner tomorrow morning. Hope they can do 24 hour service. I just pray that I look normal enough to be offered the job. I am unsure whether or not I can accept it if I am offered it, because I think the job starts before my daughter gets on the school bus. Also, it is a 24 mile each way drive. Not great in the winter snow.

Well, we'll see.

Great news for today----------I DIDN'T WEIGH MYSELF!!!!!! I slid the scale under the bathroom bench, so it will be out of sight. And, hopefully, out of mind.

I didn't really even want to weigh myself today. It didn't really matter to me. Good news, I think.

Newest obsession, though-------Ketosticks!!!!! I have almost used half the pack. I just love to see if the little stick is going to change color. I wonder if other people have used these.

A1A1
12-09-2003, 06:21 AM
Only 7 days and 20+ hours until we board our plane for WDW. Good. Need a little break from the holidays. I don't particularly like them, and would do better to avoid them altogether. I wonder what kind of disservice I am doing my daughter by not being in the holiday spirit. There is only a santa claus cookie jar in the house. Empty, of course. That is the only reference to any holiday. No Christmas tree or card anywhere.

Breakthrough----no Ketostick this morning, and no scale. I am feeling lighter. I feel that I am carrying myself a bit taller, too. Amazing what just a few pounds can do. I will hope to have lost a couple by my next official weigh-in. I really do feel lighter. That's good.

Took my thyroid medicine, and now must get ready for work. Yuk! My position ends a week from yesterday. I am going to miss the money. Very good pay for me. I was starting to feel more secure about paying my bills. Now-----not so secure.:confused:

DoeWDW
12-09-2003, 07:06 AM
You are doing just fine! You're taking steps, one by one, toward getting healthier. You should be very proud of you!!! ::yes::

Those ketosticks can get expensive. I've never used them but I understand that some people use scissors and carefully cut them in half, so the package lasts twice as long. Just thought I'd mention it!

Don't worry about the holiday decorations. Your daughter sees them everywhere else!! I don't have anything up for Christmas yet either. All in good time, or not, either way the holiday will arrive, right? I think having a healthier Mommy who is working hard to make her life better is more important for your daughter to see right now. Let's face it, you can't do it all. There will be time for decorations next Christmas, and the one after that, and the one after that..... Just do something small this year and be happy with that.

Good luck with your job interview. Don't forget that you're interviewing THEM as well. Ask if it's possible to start later to accomodate putting your daughter on the bus. It can't hurt to ask, right?

I hope you have a wonderful day! :sunny:

A1A1
12-10-2003, 08:35 PM
Okay. Had the job interview. A bit stressful. Had to work all day. Brought my blue suit, and changed in the back of my car in their parking lot. Got a huge run in the rear end of the pantyhose as I was putting them on. Very difficult to do in the car. Tough questions. Floundered on some. They would have to make an exception to the start time for me if I am offered the job.

Had no time to eat today. Ate a low carb bar for lunch and some almonds. Had a bit bowl of romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, and deli sliced chicken with ranch. I know I had too large of a portion. Actually ate two bowls. Very hungry tonight for dinner. Went to a middle school concert this evening. Didn't eat the punch or cookies afterward. Good for me.

I broke down and weighed myself today. I was standing on the scale trying to keep from looking. I didn't want to look, but I was already on the scale. I looked. Darn. I did go down, but I was disappointed that I looked. I don't want to do that tomorrow. I won't do that tomorrow. I only used one Ketostick today. That's kind of a breakthrough for me. Usually it's three per day. A sickness, really.

Daughter chosen to read a sentence in the Christmas program at her school. We are scheduled to leave for WDW on the same day. She will have to miss the Christmas program. I am feeling guilty. Should I? DD says she'd rather go to WDW.

My grandmother is dying. I haven't gone to see her for about a month. I can't stand to see her in the condition she's in. She will be the third most close person in my life to leave me. I have already lost her, too. She isn't talking anymore. I hate that. I miss her terribly. She and I were so close. We did so much together. She was also very close with my daughter. I hate death.

A1A1
12-13-2003, 07:58 AM
Thursday was a big event at work. It went well, and my hard work was recognized publicly. I was stunned. I didn't expect the recognition. Just a few kind words can do wonders for a person.

I had a great eating day.



Friday: Had a going away party for me after work. My last day. Was very nice. Held in a chain restaurant. I had nibbley food laid out in front of me and was very hungry. I drank several very large glasses of water. OOOps. They had lemon. I think that is against the rules. Forgot about that. Also, I had some of the nibbley food. Appetizers. I had three pieces of deep fried shrimp. Was kind of soggy. Not worth it. Had a few pieces of the deep fried and sauced chicken. Okay, but probably not worth it either. I also had two nacho chips with that spinich dip. The dip probably would have been okay without the chips. Oh well. Then went to my friend's house. She was watching DD for me. She had ordered pizza, wings, and antipasto salad (my request). She said since I already messed up, just to have a cheat day. I didn't eat the pizza or the wings! I wasn't going to ruin the entire day because of a few appetizers. I was proud of myself. I ate my antipast salad. Most of it. It was large and good. It probably contained way too much lettuce. Also, I had eaten a large cobb salad for lunch. Lots of roughage yesterday. More than I have eaten for a while. I could have done much more damage than too much lettuce, I guess. I am not upset with myself. I do not have a defeatist attitude like I would have previously. I am most proud of the mental changes I have made. My reactions are more calm, less self-loathing.

I suffered from an eating disorder in college and much of my life after college. I would have responded much differently then. Food has ruled my life for so long. It is a shame. I wish I were more emotionally strong than I have been.

I miss my husband so much. If he could see inside of my head, and could understand the changes taking place there, I think he would be proud of me. I often felt he would be totally disgusted by what I have done to my body. I think that was self-loathing and guilt that helped me put on all this weight.

I am feeling so great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry, because I am happy about this one area of my life.

DoeWDW
12-13-2003, 08:33 AM
I can hear strength and purpose returning in your posts! :D

You ARE changing, and definitely for the better! You are making healthier choices at every turn and finding the inner drive to MEAN them. You are honoring yourself and your husband with your choices!! I know he would be proud of you! More importantly, I can tell that YOU are proud of you and you should be!!

I'm glad your last few days at this job were good ones. Endings can be hard, but remember that for every ending there is a new beginning just around the corner. Stay strong! Good things are on the way for you!!

Have a :sunny: day!!

A1A1
12-13-2003, 09:40 AM
Thans DoeWDW. Glad for your feedback. I do feel stronger and better about myself. I think it comes out in the things that I do in my life.



Just figured out that I passed my first 10% goal!!!!!!! I wanted to lose 60 pounds altogether. So ...........every six pounds lost is 10%. Is that how everyone is figuring their 10% lost goals? Or do you figure 10% of your total weight?:confused:

A1A1
12-14-2003, 07:06 PM
Wow! The weekends in the snowy north just make me feel very blah. I ate way to many almonds this weekend. They are on sale at our grocery store---the almonds are the organic raw type. I love them, love them, love them. I stand the almond up on its side between my top and bottom front teeth, and bite down. My goal is to split them equally and perfectly. Crazy, I know. I do enjoy it.

DD and I made cookies tonight. I did not eat any cookies, but did have three mini m&m's off one. I'm just glad I was able to keep away from the cookies. I smelled them, and that seemed to be enough for me. I will put them in a freezer bag, and maybe freeze them. Then, when she wants one, I will just zap it in the microwave.

Other than my three mini m&m's, and many almonds, I have done pretty well. I realize that I can't leave the bag of almonds on the counter. Too easy to reach my little hand in. I will put them away when I put away the cookies.

I am a ketostick addict!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am showing a very dark pink on the stick. Like a rose color. I was a little disappointed with my weekly weigh-in today. I snuck a peak on Wednesday, and was down two pounds from the previous weight last Sunday. Today, was only down 1/2 pound from the previous week. That's okay, because I think it's getting to be TOM. I feel excellent, and am starting to see some shoulder bones. That is my favorite thing. The stomach pouch (sorry to whoever might read this) is going away too. I am very glad.

I bought lots of flu remedies and immune boosters today. Spent a fortune. DD and I plan to go to WDW on Wed, and neither of us has had the flu vaccine. Doesn't sound like the vaccine is going to be of much assistance this year anyway. I wanted to give us a boost before we travel. I wonder how crazy we might look wearing surgical masks on the airplane. I am seriously considering it.

I hope to stay on my eating plan while on vacation, but must have lots of soups at Chefs de France. Their soups are the best in the world. I know they are high carb. I will do my best, and hopefully get lots of exercise.

I'd like to get on the treadmill tonight, but remain unmotivated. My "unmotivation" is getting less and less, but still there. I am feeling very tired, and want to go to bed.

Off to bed, I go.:o

Strings
12-15-2003, 10:46 PM
Great job on resisting those cookies! Have a great time in WDW! I'll look forward to hearing about your trip with DD.

A1A1
12-16-2003, 05:14 AM
Thanks for your reply, STrings. It's so nice to know others are out there and I am connecting with them, even for a minute.

I am excited about our trip tomorrow. I have a ton to do today. Tons of laundry. Tons and tons. I hope that we are able to leave tomorrow---that the weather holds out.

I broke my own rule, and stepped on the scale today. Just wanted to see if the water I retained Sunday went away. I did, but it is the same weight as it was last Wednesday. The scale isn't moving as quickly as I had hoped. The last time I did Atkins, I lost 17 pounds in the first month. This time, I have only lost about 9 in the first month. I am happy to have lost nine pounds, but wonder what the difference is this time. It is sort of disappointing.

I have been eating well. My dinner is usually too big. I just eat too large a portion of the allowable foods.

Why is the scale moving so slowly? My Keto sticks are reading dark pink, so I know I am in Ketosis. I shouldn't depend on the scale reading. I see the changes in my body in the mirror. My favorite skirt fit me yesterday. It looked beautiful. It didn't really fit me last time I wore on October 18. Oh well. I should just take the batteries out and shove it in the closet-----the scale, I mean.

Time to get DD up for school. I hope to have a good eating day today, and hope others do, too.:wave:

DoeWDW
12-16-2003, 07:04 AM
I keep staring at your countdown timer! WOW! You'll be in WDW in no time! Enjoy the warm sunny weather and the chance to get out and MOVE more! I bet you'll walk off any extra calories you eat!

You've been doing a GREAT job and you should keep up the good work! Maybe while at WDW you could have one splurge meal a day and then try to eat close to plan (not totally on plan but CLOSE) for your other meals - that would minimize any vacation weight gain.

There are two truths you need to know about Atkins, because I feel like you are taking these things too personally and feeling like you're the only one.

First truth is that the FIRST time you do Atkins, your body responds the best. Any times after that, your body will respond but the results won't be quite as fast. You'll still lose, but not as quickly. That's why you've only lost 9 pounds this time around. It's not because you're doing anything wrong - it's just the way it is for everyone.

Second truth is that you usually lose inches and weight, but almost never at the same time. If the scale is going down, your measurements usually don't show much loss. If you are losing inches, the scale does not show a loss. I don't know why, but that's the way it is for everyone on Atkins. If you haven't taken your measurements, then do it! It will help you stay motivated when the scale isn't moving.

See?? You're not doing anything "wrong"! :D You are eating healthy food and your body will respond. Did I see that you're on thyroid meds? Thyroid problems do make weight loss more difficult so be patient. You are seeing results and feeling better, and you're setting such a great example for your daughter!

Have a fabulous time on your trip, and say hi to Mickey for me, OK?? :sunny:

A1A1
12-16-2003, 07:31 AM
Thanks DoeWDW! I am doing a good job despite the scale. I have no intention of giving up. I feel good, and that is the most important thing to me. I see changes in myself when I look in the mirror. I don't care as much about the scale as I did previously.

I hope that we are able to leave tomorrow. Our weather is supposed to be bad, eventhough it is sunny and nice today. I am packing our clothing right now.

I hope you are doing well.

Yes, I am on thyroid medication. Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I feel good, though. Low carb is definitely for me. My skin has cleared, and I don't feel moody and tired all the time.

Thanks for posting.

Have a good day!!!!!!!

Strings
12-16-2003, 07:52 AM
I have a suggestion for your trip. Don't pack to ketosticks. I know you wo't lug the scale down there with you.;) You might be able to break the habit while on vacation. Again, have a great time.

A1A1
12-16-2003, 08:42 AM
Strings----you anticipated my problem. I was considering this already. I hope I can resist. I will let you know if the Ketosticks stay in the bathroom home or if they take a vacation to WDW.:teeth:

ZerasPride
12-16-2003, 09:35 AM
I haven't been able to post to your journal lately. Primarily computer problems but I've got a new one and a few minutes here at work so I thought I'd check in with you. Your journey is so inspiring and I admire the fact that you do not give up. How wonderful! I wanted to make a little comment about the almonds you've been eating if you don't mind. I love almonds too. You are allowed 15 per day on South Beach but I read the nutrition label and was horrified to find that 7 almonds contain almost 200 calories! I have no intention of eating 400 or 500 calories per day with just nuts. I thought I would pass that little bit of info on to you.

It may not seem like much but we can really mess ourselves up eating too many nuts. I only eat one serving for a snack. My husband thinks I'm nuts. He said the book says we can have 15 and that's what he eats but 7 is all I'm willing to have.

I hope you and your daughter have an absolutely fabulous time at Disney. I also hope you fit nice and comfortably in that airplane seat. I'll share something with you, when we went to Disney in August, I was horrified to realize I couldn't fasten my seatbelt on the return flight. I was too embarassed to ask for the seatbelt extender so I sat with the belt draped over my lap and a blanket on top of me. I vowed that would never happen again so I know what you mean about wanting to fit comfortably in your seat. Please report to us when you get back on all the fun you and your daughter have had! Take care!

A1A1
12-16-2003, 10:05 AM
Thank you Lisa. I especially appreciate your sharing about the seat. It is awful the things we really must worry about. I, too, am looking forward to changing that situation.

I tried on my shorts from the last trip. They fit. I wanted them to be a little looser, but I am glad they fit. I did gain weight from the last trip, so maybe I'm back down to the weight of that trip.

I can think about any time or event in my life and tell you what I weighed. It's sick. My weight has been the foremost thing in my life. I want my life and living it to be foremost, not my weight.

I hope we have a good time on the trip. Any time I spend with DD is good.

You have totally burst my bubble on the nuts. Oh well. I knew it was too good to be true. I will just have to drink more water. I loved my little nut-splitting game. I felt like a squirrel. Thanks for the heads up on the nuts.

ZerasPride
12-16-2003, 03:08 PM
I hope you don't think I was being harsh or critical of you. You are doing such a fantastic job! It was shocking to me read how many calories are in 7 innocent looking almonds. Just sharing information along this journey we are all taking to Skinnyville!

A1A1
12-16-2003, 04:21 PM
No chance of upsetting me Zera! Thanks for the information. I do appreciate that! I really never look at the fat content or calories anymore. I only look at the carbs. I really should look at all the other stuff. Thanks for keeping me on my toes. Don't want to put the weight back on or slow myself down even further. Thanks again!:wave:

A1A1
12-16-2003, 07:50 PM
I am all nuts!!!!!!!! I can't stop the almonds!!!!!!!!!


My pants are feeling very big. I think they look silly too. Very baggy and sloppy feeling. I love it, except I just bought three new pairs of pants. I will hope that they shrink in the dryer.

Today's food:

Breakfast--romaine lettuce, about two cups, with sliced deli turkey and ranch dressing. Water.

Snack--two cheese sticks

Lunch--probably a handful or so of almonds, Turkey salad (turkey, mayo and a little celery)

snack--probably a few more almonds

dinner--7 mini frozen meatballs, ranch dressing, 6-8 oz 1% milk. Our water was off--water problems down the road.

snack -- more almonds!!!!!! water

I am going to have to go to Nuts Anonymous. I am so addicted.

I got a rejection letter on that job today. I didn't really want the job anyway---too far away, 24 miles each way; the hours were not good for putting dd on the school bus; many, many extra requirements on nights and weekends. I do wonder what is wrong with me. That is the second job in the past 6 months I have been turned down for. I would like them to tell me honestly if it is my personality or what. The supervisor left a phone number for me to call if I had questions. I just might call to find out what happened. I didn't really want the job anyway.

I spoke with DD's teacher today, and said I would be available to volunteer in her classroom. She was thrilled, and already asked me if I would do certain jobs. I am happy to do it.

I hope I do well at WDW. There are so many foods that I like. I do like to sample a little of everything. I am praying that I can do a good job. Please send me some pixie dust and good wishes if you can. I know I will be walking a ton more than I do at home, so that will be in my favor if I do sample something off the plan.

Good luck to everyone else on WISH for the next 6 days. I hope you all enjoy the magic of the holiday season. :wave:

DoeWDW
12-17-2003, 04:57 AM
You have a truckload of pixie dust from me - I've shipped it direct to WDW, so it will be waiting for you there! :D

The Tag Fairy has sent you her own brand of pixie dust - YOU'VE BEEN TAGGED!! Congratulations!!

Have a great time!! :sunny:

ZerasPride
12-17-2003, 09:51 AM
I'm sorry about the job but since you didn't want it anyway it doesn't sound like it's too much of a loss.

I hope you have the best time ever at Disney! It sounds like you deserve to get away for a bit and relax. I know you will make good food choices while you are there so don't stress yourself too much about it. Look forward to hearing about your trip when you return! :wave2:

A1A1
12-22-2003, 01:22 PM
Well, we are back! We had a wonderful, albeit short, trip to WDW. It was relaxing. Only went to the parks 2 days. Didn't do much of the things I wanted to do down there. The Candlelight Processional was my favorite again.

I made horrible food choices. I ate rolls, potatoes, pasta, one slice of pizza, strawberry shortcake, other misc. desserts, and diet soda once. I am scared that I will not get back on the wagon. I pray for some divine intervention and pixie dust to get me back on track. Please God! Help me! I feel a bit like a failure, but am taking responsibility for my decisions. That alone is liberating.

I really need some help. I feel out of control again.:headache:

DoeWDW
12-22-2003, 01:29 PM
Here's a great big :hug: for you!! I know that feeling of being out of control - it's scary! But you are not alone! You can get back on plan. If the whole thing seems overwhelming then go back to baby steps - they will still get you where you want to go!

Focus on drinking lots of water for the first couple days, then add in a healthy breakfast or dinner each day. You can do this!! It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" deal - just start making some good choices here and there.

I'm so glad you had a great time at WDW! It is still a magical place for me after many trips. What was your daughter's favorite thing?

Strings
12-22-2003, 01:32 PM
You can do it! I know how hard it is to get back on track after you've slipped. Check my journal for proof. You can doi this. One thing about low carb is that you can just start over anytime. We're here to listen. 1st day is the hardest. Glad you had a good time in WDW. I would love to see CandleLight Processional one day.

A1A1
12-22-2003, 10:45 PM
Thank you for your kind replies. I really needed the support today.

Tried to get back on track.

Breakfast: Orlando airport---1 slice of white pizza and diet pepsi.and about 1/2 cup of breakfast potatoes. They were horrible.

Snack: on plane--water and a low carb bar.

Lunch: none

Dinner: a local diner--gyro souvlaki with greek and ranch dressings; a few bits of greek potatoes, two bites of pita, and water. Oh, and three french fries!!!!!!!!

What on earth has gotten into me???!!! I didn't even like the bad carbs I ate today, except the slice of white pizza from Sbarro at the airport.

I plan to do as you say DoeWDW, and take baby steps. I will be back on plan before I realize it. I didn't eel that I had ruined everything with the pizza today. I just decided that I had to watch everything else that went into my mouth after that. I tried and did well.............until the pita bread incident. Then the potato debacle, followed by the french fry episode.

I came home and had two big glasses of water. I am going to have one more then go to bed. I am sure to be up all night running to the bathroom.

G'night all....
:faint:

Strings
12-23-2003, 01:28 PM
Good first steps. It's funny how we think we just have to have something, and then don't enjoy it. I hope today is better for you. You'll probably feel better after some sleep. I won't be able to check in until sunday, but I'm rooting for you. Have a Great Holiday.
Beth

A1A1
12-28-2003, 11:26 AM
I have lost some of my stick-to-it-ivness somewhere between here and WDW. I haven't been totally faithful to my eating plan since WDW. It is sad, because I was so determined. I wonder if I have gotten the carb cravings back.


Yesterday:

Two low carb bars
1 1/2 2x2 squares of pizza and two glasses of diet ginger ale.
Antipasto salad with italien dressing and some garbanzo beans on it.
One big piece of my brother's chocolate birthday cake with water.


Today:
Two squares of breakfast cereal (not bad, but wish I didn't do that)
Antipasto salad leftovers with ranch.
Ham salad on the side.

I love the Carbwise bars that I found at Target. I will probably go to get some more today.


I have checked my Ketosticks. No ketones.

I will keep going, though. I just feel a bit like a loser, because I was so faithful before, and so enthusiastic. I promise not to give up, though. I hope I can get it together. I feel very weak now.

DoeWDW
12-28-2003, 01:49 PM
I've been missing you! I have been slipping up myself. One thing that helps me is to post EVERYTHING I eat in my journal. It's easy to post the healthy stuff, but try writing down all the stuff you KNOW you're not supposed to eat and facing it. It somehow gives you more incentive to say no to the junk food. :p I can't always do it, but I feel better when I do! ::yes::

You'll get back on board. Have you picked ONE healthy habit to work on, like drinking all your water or exercising each day, or just having one healthy meal a day? Please pick one and follow through on it tomorrow. It will help restore your confidence to tackle just one part of this healthy living plan. I know there are times when doing it all is overwhelming, but you can do just one thing.

I'm so happy to hear that you're not giving up! You can do this! ::yes:: Here's a little extra sunshine to help you keep going :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: .

ZerasPride
12-28-2003, 06:07 PM
I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your Disney trip. I'm sorry that you were not as successful in sticking to the lc eating as you would have liked to be. That is one of my fears, although my trip isn't until June (thank goodness). I hope to have my resolve built up by that time. I know you will get back on the wagon and back to lc eating, know why? Because if you are doing Atkins or some other lc eating plan, we don't look at these as diets. They are (repeat after me) OUR WAY OF LIFE! You can have little slips and planned cheats that people talk about. But if you truly look at this as a way of life, then you will get it together no matter how long it takes. Someone once posted they are shooting for progress NOT perfection.

No one can do this 100% all the time if it is a way of life. We all will have our slip ups and perceived failures. How do I know you are not going to fail? You came back here. If you were just going to give up and stay disappointed in yourself forever, you would not have come back here to post. You can do this, I can do this, we all can do this together. We simply cannot afford to lose you around here. Yes, I am being selfish right now. I need my support team in tact. So you have to get yourself together for me, does that help any? I hope you are smiling at least a little bit by now. You can't undue what has been done but you can pick up from the spot you are in right now and go forward. We are cheering for you!!!!

A1A1
12-29-2003, 09:58 PM
Doe----I agree that I have to own everything that I choose to eat. I appreciate your advice and assistance. I will be posting everything that goes in my mouth.

Zera's----I am surprising myself by not beating up on myself. I took my dd to the movies today, and had about half of a small popcorn. I chose to eat it, and I am okay with that. I hadn't had any significant carbs before it, and didn't have any after it. Even though my weight loss has been very slow this time, I think my whole outlook has changed more. I am more at peace. I realize that I can't go back to eating carbs the way I did before. It took almost all I had to stop myself from ordering a pizza tonight. I ate some ham salad and had a soda water/Atkins syrup drink. It helped me get through the craving.

I wish I could do as well as both of you. I am a mess of a person, so any improvements, even the small ones, are good. I have so many other issues............that the weight is just one of many. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just accepting things in order to deal with them. I am not sure which items to address first.

I hoped I hadn't been forgotten while I was away. It is amazing that others would actually look for my posts. It makes me feel special, not so alone. Thank you so very much. I don't feel like I have much to offer to others yet, but hopefully I can make someone else feel as good as you both have made me feel.

Food for today:

Breakfast: Low carb bar
Snack: 1/2 small Movie popcorn, large bottle of water
Lunch: Low carb bar
Dinner: TGIFridays--Atkins Salmon, 6 Atkins chicken wings, decaf coffee with cream, two or three large glasses of water.
Snack: 1/4-1/2 cup of ham salad, and soda water with Atkins syrup in it.

edit----another snack: cheese stick



Evaluation of food for the day---could have done better, but could have done a whole lot worse.

I forgot to pick up my thyroid medicine today. I have been off it for one week. Not a good idea. I will remember to pick it up tomorrow.

I have a new hobby--------knitting!!!!!!! I love it. I am almost done with my first scarf. I absolutely love that I have learned a new skill. It's wonderfully relaxing and fun, I might add. I can't wait to go the the knitting store tomorrow and show the lady what I have accomplished. I need a little assistance with the other scarf I started. Got mixed up somewhere and made some mistakes. She will help me get back on track.

lulu201
12-30-2003, 05:08 AM
Good morning, A1A1!:sunny: Sending some good thoughts and :D your way for your healthy living day! I read that you've taken up knitting! That is so funny. . . last night in my journal I asked if anyone was knitting out there. I've started doing scarves for some of the teen girls I know (after paying $25 for one that I know I could've made!::yes:: ). Anyway, check out your local yarn place for some "cha cha" yarn. It's this fun, fuzzy stuff that works up into a soft, funky scarf. You can make them for everyone you know for next year's holidays! Well, at least that's MY plan!:p

Have a good day, and remember: if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. So, forge ahead into the new year making a NEW life for yourself by changing those eating and exercise habits. You can do this if you go one day at a time.

Erin

DoeWDW
12-30-2003, 08:10 AM
You are doing great! You're making positive changes! My new favorite phrase is "progress, not perfection!" I know that I'll never be able to live perfectly, eat perfectly, exercise perfectly all the time. That's just not realistic. My goal is simply to make today a little better than yesterday. Your food choices show that you are making each day a little better - you're on the right track! Congrats on eating that ham salad instead of ordering junk food!!

Please don't feel like you're the only one you are helping! Reading about your day to day struggles helps me know that I'm not alone. We can both make progress together. If you think I'm strong all the time and have a perfect life - think again! It's easier to walk this healthy living walk when we do it together! :happy1:

Glad to hear about your new hobby! I haven't knitted anything in YEARS! I've been crocheting lately. The scarf sounds like fun, though! I may have to try one as soon as I finish the afghan I'm working on!

Hope you have a wonderful day!! :sunny:

A1A1
12-31-2003, 02:11 AM
I am wearing my new scarf. Funny thing, I am wearing it and my undergarments. Nothing else. Purple scarf goes with everything. Sorry about that.

Anyway---I spent a couple of hours in the knitting store. This is the hottest place in town. There were so many people in there knitting and talking.....what a great thing. I am going to make a scarf for every person I can think of. I fixed the other scarf myself, and started another one. The newest will be beautiful, but I made a mistake and can't fix it. I don't know where the missing link is......the yarn is a very soft type--alpaca and wool, I think. It's so fuzzy, it's hard to see the pattern.

I had a big food blunder tonight. I had a good day otherwise.

Breakfast: low carb bar

lunch: cheese stick

dinner: beef souvlaki salad with feta and greek dressing. two caffeine free diet cokes.

snack: uh oh..................here it comes........soda water with Atkins syrup; one cheese stick; and


5 mini chocolate bars..........they are some fancy chocolates with marzipan filling that I got for Christmas. There are 20 carbs in 3 of them, so I had almost 34 carbs worth of chocolate and sugar.:crazy: I wish I hadn't done it, but I did.

The salad I had for dinner was huge. I think it was much too much of everything.

I wore my smaller jeans, but they choke the daylights out of me. I think they used to choke me a little more previously, so that's a good sign.

I have so many issues in my life, I don't know which thing to fix first.

1. I have financial issues. I can't stop spending money. I spend money I don't have, and have maxed out the charge cards. It is a coping mechanism, I'm sure. I know it makes me more unhappy even though it is something I do to try to fill the void.

2. My home is a wreck. I have no storage space for all the junk I have accumulated. I will not have anyone over, because of the clutter everywhere.

3. My weight.

4. My disorganization----has to do with managing paperwork and finances.

Any suggestions? I already feel horrible about these, so I hope I don't feel any worse by admitting them. I figure the way to get them taken care of is to first admit that I am a disaster.

I wonder what is wrong with me......I am so scattered. I never stick with one thing long enough to finish it. (I did finish my scarf, though.)

Is it that all these things are symptoms of something bigger?:confused:

DoeWDW
12-31-2003, 07:04 AM
I was you, about 14 years ago. I felt like EVERYTHING was messed up - and it was! Finances, house, weight, paperwork, disorganized - totally overwhelmed and NO CLUE where to start! I feel for you - here's a :hug: !

What to do about it? Sadly, you'll have to find what works for you. I know that my best friend was a timer. I could do just about anything for 10 minutes. Once I realized I didn't have to tackle something in one sitting, it became easier. Set the timer for 10 minutes and work on the paperwork. When it goes off, give yourself a pat on the back for sticking with it that long and go do something else.

It works for cleaning too! I HATE to clean, but I can handle 10 minutes in one room. I found a website that talked about living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) - that was me!! My house still isn't perfect but it's better - if someone unexpectedly came to visit, I feel like I could invite them in and not feel bad. The one big lesson I learned was that I can't organize clutter. I got rid of everything that didn't get used or make me smile. Makes it MUCH easier to keep things neat and clean.

Finances are a tough one! It took us years to pay back our debt but we are now debt-free except for the car and the house. If you're really in deep you may want to consider Consumer Credit Counseling. It's a company that helps you for free. They talk to the credit card companies and often can reduce the interest rates that you're paying. They take over your debt payments and you give them ONE check a month to cover all your payments. There are other companies who do this but they charge a fee - Consumer Credit Counseling is a non-profit company that does it for free.

It all comes down to baby-steps. Whatever problem you have can almost always be broken down into small manageable steps that will add up to progress in the right direction. Once you start, you'll be surprised how the burden feels easier to manage and you can take bigger steps without feeling overwhelmed.

Is this a symptom of something bigger? Maybe. My son has an Attention Deficit. I have all the same symptoms. I don't take medicine for it, but I have done research into what helps people with Attention Deficit get through daily life with the least amount of hassle, like routines and lists. You may want to do some web searches too.

I almost sent this via PM, but I thought it might help someone else who may be reading your journal, or you may need to come back and reread it later.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Know that you are not alone. :hug: You are stronger than you know. If you'd rather chat via PM feel free to send me PMs.

Here's some extra :sunny: ! Everything looks better by the light of day! ::yes::

A1A1
12-31-2003, 10:19 AM
Thanks Doe..........I am glad you posted. Since I try to remain fairly anonymous--I don't post my name or my city--I feel comfortable posting many things that I wouldn't post otherwise. I guess my immediate family would be the only ones to figure out who I am. I have opened up about many things on this site. I appreciate your input. I hope that my issues can help someone else.

I will research the things that you posted above. Thank you for your kind suggestions. I feel that you are a wonderful and genuine person who cares about others. Thank you!


Update: I forgot about the massive scale of my food blunder last night until I walked by the kitchen garbage. Inside was the package from the turkey breakfast sausage I ate last night along with the chocolate. I also ate one small zucchini and ranch dressing. Much worse than the chocolate alone due to the late hour at which all that junk was eaten. Surprisingly, I didn't register as a gain on the scale this morning. I figure I may have had a loss without the binge.

Off I go. I hope everyone has a super day and achieves their goals.

Strings
12-31-2003, 11:55 AM
So, I'm not the only one living in CHAOS? Phew, I feel better. A1A1, I also have to recommend the CCC. They really dd help my sister out. Please remember that each day is a new beginning. If you have a bad day, the next will be better. We all screw up sometimes. :grouphug: Have a awonderful day, and a happy new year.
Beth

A1A1
01-04-2004, 09:29 PM
Breakfast today: low carb bar

Lunch: deli turkey slices and some cheese


DINNER:

I resisted my huge craving for pancakes tonight. Took DD out for dinner, and had the car headed for the pancake restaurant. I could almost taste them..............I will stop that now, because I will get the craving again.

I went to a different restaurant instead, one that served lots of different stuff, but also has good pancakes. I decided what I was going to order---the strawberry pancakes. When the server arrived to take my order, "Roasted Chicken" came out. Not only did roasted chicken come out, but so did "a salad with ranch, and broccoli on the side".

I was so proud of myself when all was said and done. I did have 1 1/2 glasses of diet Coke. I haven't had any for months. It didn't really taste very good. I also had two large glasses of water. I am quite a drinker.


Yesterday------that was a little different. I did well during the day, having had almost the same meal as I had today. Dinner I had an omelet but had the side of pancakes that came with I it. They were the smaller 5 inch size. I had three with about two tablespoons of syrup. They were so good. I am doomed. Now I have such hankerings for them. I hope that I can cope and forgo any further temptations for the devil's cakes.

I used a ketostick today. It registered in ketosis, so I was glad.

Please God-------release me from the grip of the devil cakes!!!!!!

A1A1
01-05-2004, 07:32 AM
Weighed myself this morning----207. I have only lost 9 pounds since I started in mid-October. I have done fairly well, with only a few slip-ups.

I think it must be time to add the exercise. That has got to be the key. I don't think I could do much more in terms of the eating plan.

January 5th has always been a good day for resolutions in the past. Today is the day!



Goal: Exercise 3 times per week. I am using only 3 days, because I want to be realistic. I have done no exercise at all, so 3 days should be better than none. I will either walk outside or use my treadmill.

Goal: Take my thyroid medicine every day. I took it this morning already.

Goal: Stick to the eating plan as much as possible. Cook more meals for my dd.

Goal: begin to repair my financial picture.

Goal: unclutter my house and my life by getting rid of the junk and not buying more. Stay on top of the bills. Keep it simple.

DoeWDW
01-05-2004, 07:55 AM
I love your daily goals! They sound great and you sound determined. Good for you! Step by step, you'll get things under control. You've already made some great progress, just getting mentally ready to make changes and deal with all these things! You should be very proud of you!! ::yes::

Congratulations on 9 pounds gone!! :Pinkbounc :Pinkbounc

That is a great accomplishment! Think about carrying around 2 5 pound bags of flour all day - that would be exhausting! Now you have less to carry around and you're working on losing more.

You're definitely on the right track! :sunny: Keep it up - you're blazing new trails, girlfriend!!

Strings
01-05-2004, 10:21 AM
Great job on losing 9 pounds. You are on your way to getting your weight/health on track. If you keep up with the synthroid, the weight should come off with exercise. Before the meds, you were fighting an uphill battle. Keep up the good work. Small steps will get you where you want to go. We're here to help.
Beth

A1A1
01-05-2004, 07:11 PM
I am so tired that my eyes are closing as I sit here. Making it brief so I can get up to sleep:


Breakfast---meds.
lettuce with sliced turkey 3-4 slices and sliced swiss 1-2 slices. Ranch dressing.


Lunch---low carb bar


snack---low carb bar


Dinner---6 turkey meatballs. lettuce with ranch.

I am exhausted. Going to bed. An emotionally draining day.

Castillo Mom
01-05-2004, 10:45 PM
Hello A1A1! I just finished reading your journal and I wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of what you've gone through, the self-doubt, low self esteem, feelings of hopelessness. And of course my house isn't always up to par. Finances are really looking up but three years ago we were barely making it. What others have posted is absolutely true, baby steps is the way to go. I really admire your persistence in the face of many challenges, you're a great example to us. Keep up the good work and don't give up. Take care!:D

A1A1
01-05-2004, 11:34 PM
Thanks Castillo Mom. I appreciate your kind words. I have such moments of despair sometimes. I have this new technique lately. I try to block my troubles right out of my head. It is bad because I end up denying my husband, but it seems that if I don't block it all out, I will just break down.

Sometimes, I really feel like I am alone in this world, except for some fellow posters on this board.

I am very proud of myself, because I have been reading about this half marathon, and decided to get on my treadmill for the first time in about a year. I wanted to see how far I coud walk in 16 minutes. I think that is some kind of required pace. I went .78 miles. A little shy of the pace, but I really feel positive that I might be able to do it in a year. Is that a possibility, or very unrealistic, seeing as I need to lose at least 50 more pounds. I really don't have any idea. I've never trained for anything before.

I need to drink more water. I've been short on water lately.

DoeWDW
01-06-2004, 04:59 AM
:cool1: You got on your treadmill!! :cool1:

Good for you!! I think .78 mile in 16 minutes is great for your first time on the treadie! If you just do that every day or even every other day, you'll amaze yourself by walking a little bit more and a little bit faster. It will take time, but you will feel such a sense of joy and accomplishment! It's one of those little things that you have control over and it's only 16 minutes, right?

Is the half-marathon a possibility? I think it is!! Baby steps will get you there. Just keep getting on that treadmill day by day and get your body used to moving again. It will help you drop the extra weight and have more energy to face your days.

Exercise is also a great way to help boost your mood - your body releases endorphins when you exercise. These endorphins are "feel good" hormones that signal a feeling of well-being in your brain. You'll feel more positive!!

I think your husband would want you to do whatever you have to do to keep going and make a home and family for your daughter. If that includes focusing your mind on the moment at hand, then so be it. I bet he would be proud of the changes you're making.

You're still hanging in there and doing just great! You are climbing uphill but you are not giving up! You should be proud of you! You will not always feel happy. You will not always feel like eating healthy or exercising. If you do these things anyway, even when you don't feel like it, it's a way of loving yourself and taking the best care of you that you can.

Stay strong - for you and for your daughter. You're on the right track! :sunny:

A1A1
01-06-2004, 07:39 AM
Thanks Doe..........I felt very good, no...I felt GREAT, about getting on the treadmonster. It has been eyeballing me for a year. I have to admit to a little knee pain today, though. I felt it last night right after I was done walking, but assumed it would be gone within minutes.



Goals for today!!!

1. Not to walk---rest the knee. I always start my exercise programs very strong, and then totally burn out. Then I stop althgether. I am going to try to pace myself and keep it to every other day. We'll see. That sounds kind of stupid.

2. Take my medication 1 hour before eating anything.

3. Eat five little meals.

4. No late night salads like last night!

5. Go to bed by midnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night I was up until 4:30 am. That is crazy. I don't make good decisions when I am very tired, and today, I am very tired.


Hope everyone has a great day!

Strings
01-06-2004, 08:19 AM
Congratulations! You got on the treadmill. That is a huge 1st step. If you want to do the 1/2 marathon, we will all support you on that. You have a year. You can do this. I also have to say that exercise will do wonders for your mood. It will also give you a sense of accomplishment. You just walked .78 miles! Take care of yourself. Do some stretching before and after walking though.
Good for you.
Beth

ZerasPride
01-06-2004, 09:49 AM
Hi A!

I just thought I'd check in with you. I think it's awesome that you are considering the marathon. We just don't have enough DVC points to go around to make the trip a possibility for me in 2005 but I am holding out for 2006.

Getting on the treadmill is a great way to make a start as others have mentioned. I am so sorry that you feel so alone sometimes but the people on this board are here for each other and we can help each other reach our goals. Please take care of yourself!!!!

A1A1
01-06-2004, 08:21 PM
Boy, it would be great if we all lived near each other so that we could walk together. I would enjoy having others to exercise with.

Thanks for the encouragement on the marathon. I really think I can do it also. I would really have to commit to my lifestyle change.

I have to admit that I have been discouraged with the rate at which I have lost weight on the Atkins plan this time. I have been at a standstill for about a month. Maybe longer.

I don't think I can eat much less. Even last night when I had my binge----it was a salad with sliced turkey on it.

I don't know what is going on.


Maybe the exercise will jump start things again. I will give it a try.

Update on goals:

1. I didn't walk yet today. The knee feels better. I may still walk tonight.

2. I forgot to take my medicine this morning and I just ate two cheese sticks and some pepperoni for dinner. I will have to wait 2-3 hours to take it.

3. I think I ate four little meals.

B--salad with sliced turkey and ranch
L--salad with turkey meatballs and ranch
S--low carb bar
D--2-3" of pepperoni, two cheese sticks, water

4. I will shoot for a cup of tea for my late night hunger.

5. I will try, try, try to go to bed earlier tonight. It is 9:30 pm now. I ended up going back to bed late this morning and sleeping until 1:30 pm. After so little sleep last night, I didn't feel well. That is really not good for me.

Thank you for posting in my journal. It means so much to me.
:wave:

A1A1
01-07-2004, 08:09 AM
Stayed up all night long. Didn't sleep at all.

Forgot to take my medicine again this morning.

Breakfast--------Ate wheat bread with scrambled egg on it. Scrambled egg sandwich. Also had 6-8 ounces of skim milk.

I am frustrated with the lack of weight loss, and am going to add some carbs into my diet as an experiment.

I don't want to go to bed now, because I will sleep away the whole day. I just have to go to bed on time tonight.

DoeWDW
01-07-2004, 08:19 AM
Here's a :hug: for you! Staying up all night can really mess up our rhythm and make it tough to get back on track! Best of luck at getting yourself back to a normal schedule. Maybe a good workout on the treadmill during the late afternoon / early evening will tire you out enough to help you sleep?

I think you should stop eating the low-carb protein bars. They have been known to stall many peoples' loss. Also, adding a few more carbs per day may help as well. Every body is different and loses best at different carb levels.

May I make a suggestion? Use www.fitday.com and enter your food for a few days. I'm not sure you're eating enough calories to keep your body out of starvation mode. Some days you seem to do okay but other days your food intake just doesn't seem like enough.

Hang in there! I know it can be frustrating when the scale won't budge. Work on building your exercise habit, even if it's only a little bit every other day - that should really help!

Wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better - all I can do is send a :hug: and some sunny :sunny: thoughts your way. Just keep taking baby steps - they WILL take you where you want to go.

A1A1
01-07-2004, 01:06 PM
Thanks for the suggestions Doe. I will use fitday.com to see where I am.

Right now, I am not feeling well. Feel like I have or am getting the flu. Probably just the lack of sleep, but I feel nauseous just the same.

I am going to get on the treadie more often. The hardest part is just getting on it. It stares at me with pleaing eyes, and I just ignore it. Very mean.:rolleyes:

ZerasPride
01-07-2004, 01:57 PM
Hi A!

I am sorry you are not feeling well. I am worried about your food intake like Doe mentioned. It doesn't seem you eat enough food some days. Please take care of yourself. Exercise will most definitely help you and like Doe already said, if you build on a little but consistent bit of exercise, you can always add more days or a more strenuous routine.

Boy, can I relate to the lack of sleep you mentioned. Before South Beach, I was going to see a specialist because I could not fall asleep at night. I would lay there for hours and not be able to sleep and when I did finally fall asleep I would dream these crazy dreams where I was always doing stuff (driving, grocery shopping, running and yes sometimes flying, I did say I was dreaming so you can do that in a dream). I would wake up absolutely exhausted everyday! South Beach saved me. I sleep like a baby now. I also take a nice hot relaxing bubble bath every night. No matter how late it is. I find it relaxes me and I'm able to fall right asleep and sleep soundly. Hope some of this friendly advice helps you out!

Strings
01-07-2004, 04:22 PM
A1, Lisa and Doe gave you some great suggestions. I'd like to add my .02. Try not to eat the bars. I checked a keto stick after eating 2 in one day. It threw me out of ketosis. Try taking your thyroid medicine 1st thing in the morning. Put it right next to your bed. Get a watch with an alarm and set it everyday if necessary. Hypothyroidism willcause weight gain. Taking your med later in the day can also be contrubuting to your insomnia. I know you've got a ton on your mind, but the med will help. It does take time for your levels to come up to normal. Are you taking a multi vitamin?:grouphug: to you.
I hope you can sleep tonight.
Beth

A1A1
01-07-2004, 06:43 PM
Thank goodness for your posts. The connection is wonderful. I appreciate the time you have taken to respond. I will read your journals tomorrow. I am going to go to bed now.

I didn't eat any bars today!


Breakfast was posted above---scrambled egg sandwich

Lunch---I don't think I ate lunch today.

Dinner---Shrimp sauteed in grape seed oil with snap peas and zucchini (sp?). Water. I tried to make a little sauce for the shrimp made of butter, half and half, and parm cheese. It didn't taste very good, so I tried to strain it out.

I just drifted off for a second, so I am going to let that be the end for today.

Again, thanks! I hope you all had good days.........Talk with you tomorrow.:o

DoeWDW
01-07-2004, 08:55 PM
It looks like you had a good day! Your food looks pretty good and congrats on not eating any bars. I know I rely on them too much and need to break that habit also!

Sleep tight tonight, A. I hope you have pleasant and happy dreams and wake up rested and refreshed.

:hug:

A1A1
01-08-2004, 07:29 AM
YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!

A breakthrough: I lost two pounds (of I don't know what) since yesterday. I can't believe it. Maybe I was hurting myself by relying on those bars. Also, when I did Atkins before and lost so much weight right away, I wasn't really doing Atkins. I made up my own diet which included some wheat bread with my breakfast, and I had a whole wheat half sub from subway once per week. That was my treat. It was turkey with mustard.
Anyway, I did have some carbs in my diet.

I am going to continue with my scrambled egg sandwiches for breakfast and see what happens. It didn't hurt me yesterday.


AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I forgot to take my medicine again. I will now have to wait three hours to take it, and then one hour after I take it before I can eat anything. I wish I could get on the stick with this medicine. I was in such a good routine before. Now that I am not working, I am out of the routine.

I still feel tired even though I went to bed at 9 pm last night. When you don't sleep it seems to take longer to catch up on the rest and to feel good again.


Goals:

1. Go to bed before 10pm.

2. Take my meds at 11am today.

3. No bars.

4. Eat a healthy dinner.

5. Treadmill today - 1 mile.



Breakfast: Two small scrambled eggs. Low carb ketchup. Two slices of wheat bread. Decaf coffee with half and half. Three glasses of water.

DoeWDW
01-08-2004, 08:00 AM
:jumping3: TWO POUNDS!! :jumping3:

Bye-bye :wave: pounds!! You are hereby banished, never to return!!!

Congratulations! I know you must be so thrilled to see that scale move. You've really been hanging in there and your persistence is paying off!! You should be very proud of you!!! ::yes::

Hope today is full of bright and sunny feelings :sunny: for you!

A1A1
01-08-2004, 08:02 AM
I decided that when I lose 50 pounds, I am going to pick up the phone and book dd and myself on one of the Disney cruises. I am not going to put a date or a deadline on these plans, just to keep them on the horizon. I know it will happen, just don't know when. I want to reward myself. I may even get into a bathing suit by that time. I am going to save my DVC points until then.

I hope it is a good idea to set up a reward like this. The reward will actually be the health and longevity that I will be giving myself by losing this weight. I think the cruise will be a nice way to celebrate it.

A1A1
01-08-2004, 08:16 PM
Recap:


No bars today!

Breakfast--- 2 small scrambled eggs on 2 slices of whole wheat bread and low carb ketchup. Water

Lunch---Turkey with cheese and mustard wrap at Subway. Water.

Snack---2 ounces of cheese

Dinner---scallops (maybe 10) sauteed in grape seed oil with Mrs. Dash's and Old Bay. Salad with ranch. Water.



I did take my medicine at 11 am.

I am going to try to get to sleep earlier tonight, but it's already 9:20 pm. I am going to get on the treadmill right now.


I am excited because I found the Atkins low carb bread today!!!!!

DoeWDW
01-08-2004, 08:30 PM
Your menu for today looks great! It looks like you actually ate enough food without going overboard. You also sound like you're feeling better.

Have fun on that treadie! Remember, the treadie is our friend!! ::yes::

Keep it up, A! You're doing just fine!! :sunny:

ZerasPride
01-08-2004, 10:17 PM
Hi A,

Repeat after me, I must take my meds - I must take my meds :tongue:!

Okay, now for the serious stuff. I think it's wonderful that you are going to treat you and your daughter to a cruise when you lose 50 pounds. It's something tangible to work toward and I really appreciate the fact that you have not set a specific date which could prove disappointing if you don't reach your goal by that date. I have a goal of hosting a formal anniversary party for me and DH when I lose 100 pounds. I haven't decided how I want to celebrate my 50 pound loss but it's fun to think about.

We have to set rewards for our weight loss. I know I used to say things like I would "treat" myself to this type of food or my favorite dish as a reward. That's pretty twisted (I'm speaking of myself only here) to reward yourself with food, especially when there are so many other wonderful things in life to enjoy (like a Disney cruise). So save those DVC points because we both know how many it takes for 2 people to go on a cruise! I hope you get some rest tonight. I'll check on you again soon.

A1A1
01-08-2004, 11:04 PM
I had every intention of getting right up to get on the treadie. I called my Aunt on the phone, and before I knew it, I was eating half of one of those tiny bags of bbq potato chips. Then I went on to the orange pop in the fridge. And washed the soda pop down with about 8 ounces of honey sesame crackers. I went to get the chip dip for the crackers. Yes, I had crackers dipped in chip dip. Then I went to get the cookies. I ate the whole bag. I ate a 7 ounce bag of chocolate chip raspberry cookies with skim milk. Oh, and a small bowl of honey rice cereal with milk.




I am totally ashamed and feeling sick to my stomach. I don't know what happened. I was like an eating machine. I.........I don't know exactly what to write, except that I hope none of my fellow wisher's do what I just did. It was horrible. I feel awful. I am writing this here, in the hopes that I cure myself of whatever evil just happened, that I exercise the demon that inhabited my stomach, and that I might prevent anyone else from weaking to this point.

Honestly, I think I was just thirsty. All I really needed was a glass of water. Any idea if the carbs I ate earlier today got a hold of me and caused major carb cravings binge?

I am sorry to whomever I disappointed, especially to myself. I am sorry self. I will try to refrain from doing that again. I am going to go cry now. Then I am going to get on the treadmill.:crazy2:

DoeWDW
01-09-2004, 09:03 AM
You sound so sad, A! :( My heart is breaking for you! I'm not disappointed in you at all. You are human like all of us. You cannot expect to walk this healthy living road without taking a detour or hitting some major bumps. A, that's all last night was - a bump in the road, a minor detour. It's OK!

Today is a new day. You can let your small detour become a journey in itself or you can work your way back to the road to healthy living. When I get off track, I have a hard time getting right back to my healthy ways, so I take baby steps over a couple days to get me back on the right track.

It is true that sometimes a few innocent carbs can bring the Carb Monster back into your life in a big way! For me, it depends on what part of my monthly cycle I'm in. There are times when I can have a few extra carbs and get right back on plan and other times when a couple carbs will set me off on a binge.

So, today is a new day. The past is in the past - no sense worrying about it. You just need to learn from it. Have you ever had a binge episode like that before?? I used to have them. The key is that I no longer have them on a regular basis. You need to make the time between binges longer and longer. That's how you'll know that you're succeeding.

Chin up, girlfriend! You're doing just fine! You sound sad and scared, but you will be feeling better soon. Take baby steps back to the healthy living journey. We're all here to help you find your way. Here's some bright :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: to make the path easier to see!

A1A1
01-09-2004, 10:45 AM
Okay. The Eating Monster was me last night for about fifteen to twenty minutes. I got that out of my system. Or, rather, I got that into and then out of my system. I did walk on the treadie for 1 mile afterward. I walked and then jogged, then walked, then jogged. I was proud of myself.

I am back on track today. Took my medicine first thing this morning.

Breakfast----one slice of turkey mushroom meatloaf with low carb ketchup. Water. I bought the meatloaf from the local grocery store, so I am not sure how much breading was mixed in. Really didn't taste like any, so I am hoping it wasn't much.

Moving on................;)

A1A1
01-09-2004, 04:35 PM
I wrote in Doe's journal that I feel like a bear on the verge of hibernation. I am freezing. Don't want to take the doggie out, because it's so cold. Her poor little feet must be so cold. It has been either 0, 1, or 2 degrees for the past two days. I am sooooo cold. I want to sleep right now.

I walked on my treadmill last night, and was hoping to do the same today, but may not have the energy to do that. I know I would feel great if I did.

Breakfast -was the one slice of turkey meatloaf.
Snack - one ounce of cheese
Lunch - none am having an early dinner
Dinner - ate a bit too much......about a half pound of bacon and three scrambled eggs. lc ketchup. water. half mug of decaf coffe with half and half.
Snack - Carwise bar--- .1 net carbs Needed a chocolate fix.

I had a lot of bacon. It was soooo good. I think I was too hungry from not eating lunch.

I am really tired. I am helping my df clear his home of about twenty-five years worth of clutter and collection. He is moving, and he and my dm stored everything. There are boxes and boxes of our clothing from when dbr and I were children. They saved everything. It has been difficult going through all of my dm's papers as she passed away shortly after my dh became ill. I found some of his important things. Military dog tags......on and on. It has been emotionally draining. I kept several boxes of his things there after he got sick, and while I was looking for a place to live.

Bacon overload aside, it hasn't been a bad day. I didn't feel hungry at all, except for the bacon. I love bacon, btw. I need to learn to love it about five ounces less, I think.

DD wrote me a nice note today. She is a wonder.

Hope everyone has a good and restful evening. I hope that i have no more of those devilish food binges like last night. "Wish" me luck!:wave2:

A1A1
01-10-2004, 07:45 AM
Update to yesterday's post:

I had a minor/major slip-up last night. I got hungry. I ate the rest of the bacon wrapped in lettuce pieces with a little mayo. Bacon is so high in fat, that it's scarey to think I ate that before going to bed. I have to curb these late night binges.

I checked a ketostick this morning, and it was dark pink---ketosis. That is good. I don't really know how that could be with eating all that bacon yesterday.

I didn't walk on the treadie. I keep falling asleep sitting up. I have a physical scheduled for later this month. I think it is time to check my thyroid levels. I start this sleep-sitting around 6 in the evening. It goes on until I actually fall asleep I start watching movies in bed for the company. I always fall asleep during the movie, then have to wake up and shut everything off. It's a bad habit that I would like to break. I need to go up to bed, and leave the tv off. There is no cable or broadcast tv, just videos or dvd's.

Goals for the day:

1. Get up from my seat right now and take my medicine.
2. Eat on plan.
3. Walk on treadmill.
4. Stop eating by 7 pm
5. Go to sleep by 11 pm. Shut the tv off when I get in bed.

Castillo Mom
01-10-2004, 02:22 PM
Hi A! I picked up where I left off on your journal the other day so I could get up to speed on how you're doing.

First of all, do not be ashamed and don't think that you could disappoint us. I'm not disappointed in you! Every single one of has gone through what you did the other day. Your intention wasn't to binge but it happened. Take it as a learning experience. Take the opportunity to analyze what happened and strategize about what you may be able to do differently next time. Is there a way to not bring those food items into your house? Did you have "legal" snacks readily available? I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries, but I'll go out on a limb and ask you to post your strategy. If you feel more comfortable, PM me. This would be good for all of us, because I know I'll be faced with the same situation again one of these days, and I'm sure I can learn something from your experience, so if you're ok with it, please share.:D

Now about the bacon and the ketostick. I haven't used a ketostick in a long time but I'm familiar with the process. Remember, you're counting carbs on Atkins, not fat. That bacon had 0 carbs. I'm not promoting eating large amounts of bacon (I love bacon) however, the ketostick was purple because you went into ketosis and the bacon wouldn't affect that process. I'd say, no harm, no foul.

I have to commend you on your honesty A! That's another benefit of WISH, there's a certain amount of anonymity. I appreciate you sharing your experience with us, we can all learn from each other. Just keep looking forward, don't give up, ok? You can do this! I'm sending you a great big hug and hope that next week is a better one. Oh, and thank you for your kind words the other day when I was venting. Take care A!:hug: :D

DoeWDW
01-10-2004, 08:26 PM
I hope all went well for you today, A! Did you take those meds?? Did you get on that treadie?? Did you eat on plan??

I did not meet all my goals today (forgot those vitamins AGAIN!) but I did meet many of them. If I didn't write them down, I'd NEVER meet any of them so I figure meeting some of them is a step in the right direction. :p

Take good care of yourself. :sunny:

A1A1
01-10-2004, 09:44 PM
I had a terribly stressful day. I need to let things roll off my back, and not let other people get to me. I let them get under my skin. I took my daughter to a class that she goes to every other week on Sat mornings. I took the last spot in a crowded parking lot, and the car behind me entering the lot had a crazy lady in it. She went ballistic. She was shouting out her car window at me. I decided that I'd definitely see her again sometime, so I walked dd into the school and told her to find her class so I could move my car. I was trying to be accommodating. I moved the car and tapped on the crazy lady's window (she was sitting in her car). I told her that I moved my car for her, but that someone else immediately went into the spot. She started mocking me and rolling her eyes. I haven't experienced anything like that since about the second grade. It was unbelievable. So, anyway, it has been bothering me all day. I always let people's personal issues become mine when they vent them on me. I really need to address this issue. It's a big problem that has plagued me all my life.


Food for today:

B----scrambled egg sandwich on lc bread with lc ketchup. water.

L---Subway wrap with turkey and all the veggies and mayo. water.

D---the toppings off two pieces of pizza. no crust at all. antipasto salad with ranch. I did eat lots of the salad. water.


I feel uncomfortable with the Subway wraps. Seems almost too good to be true.


I am exhausted tonight. Will not walk on treadie. Too tired. I am mentally becoming more serious about walking the 1/2 marathon next year. I talked to someone who did it before. She is going to walk one in San Diego this year. I now have to become as physically serious as I am becoming mentally.

I may go up and watch my favorite movie---Pride and Prejudice. I love that movie.

I took my meds. It is almost 11 pm, but I am wound up about the parking lot lady.

A1A1
01-11-2004, 11:47 AM
I weighed in this am, and was disappointed. The scale read one pound higher than it did two days ago. I also did a ketostick, which registered very dark pink---definitely in ketosis. I am hoping that the next weigh-in will show weight loss. I am going to try not to be affected by this scale episode. I hate the scale.

In cleaning out my father's basement, I have found all my clothes from high school and college. size 6,8,and some 10's. What the heck happened to me. I love those clothes. They are so small. I want to be smaller. I have found lots of pictures of me then, also. I was small. Can't hardly believe it. I want this weight gone so, so badly. Feel like I am spinning my wheels.

I will keep going, though. This may be the longest diet to weight loss on record.

Took my medicine this morning. Off to make egg sandwich, I think.

A1A1
01-11-2004, 12:19 PM
I am going to register for the 1/2 marathon. I still have no faith in myself to be able to succeed in it, but I am going to register just the same. I want to succeed. When this move of my father's is done, I will be on more of a regular schedule. I am in the middle of cleaning 25 years and tons and tons of junk from his basement. It is awful.

I am disgusted with the scale. It is definitely not my friend. I feel good, and think I have done fairly well. I am still in ketosis, but not losing weight. How the heck is that possible? I have been in ketosis almost continuously since I started this, but have lost merely ten pounds in almost two months.

DoeWDW
01-11-2004, 12:49 PM
Have you taken your measurements? Are you losing inches?

Slow weight loss is expected in those who have an underactive thyroid, so that is to be expected.

This isn't about just losing weight (although that's a nice side effect). It's about feeding your body healthy food so you feel better. It's about moving a little more so your muscles and joints get used to more movement. You can do this - yes it may take a little longer, but you can do this.

As far as the half marathon, I firmly believe you can do that too! I'd love to meet you in person next January. Just be sure you don't tax your finances to make the trip, OK?

Strings
01-11-2004, 01:54 PM
A1,
I am so glad you remembered to take your medicine. We need to get your TSH and T4 levels up to par. You'll be so surprised how well you feel once they are normal. You'll feel happier, have more energy, sleep better, and the pounds will come off much faster. Remember, while the thyroid levels are low, it is harder to lose weight, but you have managed to lose weight... 10 pounds. You've worked hard on losing that weight. 2 bags of sugar=10 lbs. You are healthier now than you were 2 months ago.

I totally believe you can do the 1/2 marathon. Set up a training schedule, and stick to it. You've got the treadmill, and it won't collect any more dust now. Keep us posted on your progress.

You are doing great.
Beth

A1A1
01-11-2004, 09:45 PM
Thanks for the support, friends!!!



I am official!!!! I registered for the 1/2 marathon. I hope everything will work out for me. I am trying to figure out who I can ask to go along and watch dd. I thought about leaving her home with my df, but decided that it would be great for me to have her there cheering for me, and it would be good for her to see me finish.

Recap of the day:


Meds taken in the morning.

Breakfast - Scrambled eggs with about 1 oz feta cheese on lc bread. lc ketchup. water

Lunch - none

Dinner - antipasto salad with ranch. about 12 ounces of mushroom turkey meatloaf. That may be my undoing. This time I could taste the breadcrumbs. diet ginger ale. The antipasto salad had iceburg lettuce, pepperoni, artichoke hearts, olives, meat, and a little cheese. I may have had about 6 chick peas in that mix also.

Snack - 9 raw almonds. water.

I don't weigh, count, or measure my food in any accurate way (except the almonds). Do I need to do that? I pretty much just avoid forbidden foods.


I am going to walk on the treadie after I am done here. Time to start getting serious. I feel like Jane and her brothers (Peter Pan) when they realize that they really can fly. I feel that I have a chance. I have a whole year to achieve my goals, and will celebrate them on Jan 9. I *can* be a new and improved me!



Update
2:07 a.m.
Walked on treadie for 1 hour. I was just shy of 3 miles. The reading was 2.95. I did some jogging spurts. Spent some time warming up and cooling down. I felt good. Just wonder how much I am supposed to do or push myself being so overweight and out of shape. Will ask my doctor at my physical this month.

DoeWDW
01-12-2004, 04:19 AM
A, I'm so excited for you! I like what you have on your countdown timer for the half-marathon - "A Celebration of Me". That's a fabulous way to look at this!

As far as training, try not to overdo it at first. I'd start with walking 1.5 miles 3 days a week (maybe Mon. Wed. & Fri.) and then a longer 2.5 mile walk on Sunday. This will be enough to get your body used to walking on a regular basis. When you can do this comfortably then start to up the mileage. If this is too much, then only do a mile on M, W, F and 2 miles on Sunday. You get the idea. You'll be surprised how quickly you'll start looking forward to your walks and they won't feel like drudge-work anymore! :D At this point, you are training for the mileage and not the speed, so don't worry about how fast yet. You'll pick that up later.

Start stashing some money away for some good sneakers if yours are older or uncomfortable. The padding in sneakers does break down and your feet will need more cushioning as you walk more mileage. Maybe Dr. Scholls inserts would help prolong the use of your current sneakers?

I don't have time now, but I'll wander back in a day or two and try to answer your ketosis question. :D Remind me if I forget, OK?

Have a great day A! :sunny:

A1A1
01-12-2004, 07:27 AM
Thanks for the support!!!


Medication taken.

Breakfast - two scrambled eggs(2 carbs) mixed with 1/2 and 1/2(2 carbs). Two slices of lc bread(12 carbs). lc ketchup(4 carbs). three lite sausage links(3 carbs). Oh my goodness!!!!! That is 23 carbs! If I were still on induction, that would be more than my entire day in one meal. No wonder the scale has been standing still. I guess I do need to monitor, weigh, count, and/or measure my carbs. Oh yeah----and water (0 carbs!!!!)

Plan for breakfast tomorrow---skip the 1/2 and 1/2. Only one egg. One sausage link if any. I usually don't have them. Just one piece of bread. I can't give up that lc ketchup. That stuff is the best. This plan will bring the carbs down to 12. I might have to give up my beloved ketchup. I will check the salsa label. I have to have some tomato zest with eggs. I think they are boring tasting otherwise. If I eliminate the ketchup, I am down to 8 carbs.


Goals for the rest of today----

1. munch on sliced turkey every few hours, so that I don't have big lapses in eating. I think this frequent eating also helps keep your metabolism going.

2. Go to bed before midnight.

3. Be kind to myself and others.

4. Clean off the chair.

5. Do 2 loads of laundry.



Update----1:37 p.m.
I am so happy to read the journals of the other WISHer's. It is inspiring and wonderful. Today, however, as proud and happy as I am for everyone that is losing weight, is as angry and curious as I am for myself. I have been doing an excellent job, I thought, with my plan since October 16. I have only lost 10 pounds. How is that possible. It's been almost three months!!! I need to vent. I have been patient and committed, but pretty soon, someone will have to commit me. I am so frustrated today. My scale doesn't change from week to week. I am trying to have a game plan in my head here. I will not give up, because the alternative to staying the course ( some course) is to go back to what I was doing. I will not do that. I will not!

Options:
1. Try another program altogether.
2. Since I just started adding exercise, wait a specified time longer to see how that helps.
3. Keep doing what I am doing - Atkins/low carb.
4. Seek counseling
5. Write to the Atkins people for some advice?????? I don't know if they do that from their website or not.
6. Go back to induction, which I am not far from now.

I have a physical scheduled on the 29th. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to get the bloodwork done ahead of time. Maybe my thyroid has slowed even more, and I need my medication increased.


Food update:

Breakfast----as above.

Lunch---one lite cheese stick (less than 1 carb). One can of albacore tuna with mayo (0 carbs). Water (20 oz.)


I am sorry if I offended anyone who is reading. I am so happy for everyone else, I am just wondering what is wrong with me. I don't want it to seem like I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am just angry. I don't even think I am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. I don't know. I just feel frustrated.:crazy: :bounce: pirate:

Strings
01-12-2004, 10:48 AM
You took your meds. Way to go. Reading your breakfast made me hungry.;) I'm glad you have a plan for snacking today. That's huge. If you like, you could come and do my laundry. I've got 7 loads to do today.:rolleyes: Great job on the treaddie. Be good to yourself today.
Have a great cheat free day.
Beth

ZerasPride
01-12-2004, 10:57 AM
Hi A!

I am so proud of you and your training for the marathon. I may not be there in person but I will be there in spirit cheering you on!

You say the lc ketchup is good? Hmm, I'll have to check it out. I hope you manage to get to bed tonight before midnight. Take care of yourself!

A1A1
01-12-2004, 06:38 PM
Okay. Final evening journaling.

More cleaning of the dungeon at my father's house. I hope I never accumulate things like that. I am starting to, so I am going to be on a mission after his move to unclutter my own life.

Breakfast - the deluxe egg sandwich posted above.

Lunch - cheese stick and tuna posted above.

Snack - can't remember. If I had one, it was a cheese stick.

Dinner - half piece of the leftover mushroom turkey meatloaf about 3 ounces. About 1 1/2 cups of leftover antipasto salad. Mostly lettuce with some olives and pepperoni. Ranch dressing. Diet ginger ale.

Edit---9:57p.m.
Snack --- 14 whole raw almonds
1 ounce cheese
decaf coffee with 1/2 and 1/2


I am still feeling awful as I stated above. I feel I have been patient and persistent.


I may try to do treadie tonight to relieve some of my negative energy.

:mad: :mad: :bounce: :bounce:

DoeWDW
01-12-2004, 08:03 PM
A, I wish I could give you some advice but I'm at a loss right now. I'll be thinking about your slow loss and hoping that some research on the web will lead me to some idea to help you. I'm glad to hear you have a physical scheduled soon and I like your idea of getting some of the bloodwork done early so you and your doctor can discuss the results.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

:hug:

A1A1
01-13-2004, 06:43 AM
Making some alterations to my plan. Will see how they help.

Medicine taken...

Breakfast--
2 eggs
skim milk in eggs
lite cheese
1 tbsp low carb ketchup
3 slices bacon
20 ounces of water


Update: 9:49 am
1.56 miles on treadmill.
40 minutes


Update: 4:00 pm
Snack --- lite cheese stick
lunch ---- about 5 oz white roasted chicken
mixed lettuce salad with olive oil parm salad dressing
water - about 16 oz.
Snack ---- lite cheese stick


Update 12:21 am (the next day)
5:30 pm Dinner ---- 1/2 pound of chicken salad from the grocery store. Made with chicken, mayo, and celery only.
Garden Salad with three small slices of hard boiled egg and about one ounce of cheese. Lite italian dressing. Bottle of water. A few bites of roasted veggies--zucchini (sp?), mushroom


9:00 pm Snack --- three slices of deli turkey. a handful of lettuce, some green beans, and about 1-2 tablespoons of italian dressing. water.

ZerasPride
01-13-2004, 02:12 PM
Hi A!

I got your pm and responded to you. I am here to support you in any way that I can. It's good to see you took your meds right off and the exercise you are doing is very good. Keep it up and you'll be ready for the marathon in no time.

A1A1
01-13-2004, 03:01 PM
Thanks, Lisa. You are the best!

Strings
01-13-2004, 07:48 PM
A1, Sorry I haven't been around. I haven't made it near my computer in a couple of days. I'm so glad you've been taking your meds as scheduled. (I'm a nurse, I have to nag) I'm glad you're getting the bloodwork in advance.. It will save some phonetag if things need adjusting. You've been doing great on the teaddie. You are gearing up for the marathon. Way to go. I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time at your dad's. Feel free to pm me, if you need to vent. :grouphug: and pixie dust headed your way.
Beth

A1A1
01-13-2004, 11:15 PM
Thank you Strings!!! I appreciate the gentle reminders on the medication. Glad you are back. I have missed you.......

I have been doing steady work/labor since 11 am. I am exhausted. Everything seems to hurt.


Lisa, according to SBD what do you think???
I may have had a mishap with food tonight. It was about 9 pm, and I was hungry. I had about three slices of deli turkey with a small handful of lettuce and green beans--also about a tablespoon of olive oil vin. dressing. I wrapped the lettuce and beans in the turkey. Also had water. I didn't want to eat that late, but was stressed, tired, and hungry.

My father's house is a carb-laden nightmare. He's got lots of highly processed frozen dinners, and not much else. I will be going back there again tomorrow. Ugh! This is the last day to pack, and it looks like heck. Doesn't look like anyone's moving. Just looks like a mess. Stuff all over. There isn't one single room that is completely packed.

I'm tired, but I had a pretty good food day. Just wish I could have resisted the late night snack.


I will update the dinner in my earlier post, so that I have all the food on the same day. Makes it easier for me to look back.

A1A1
01-14-2004, 06:11 AM
Another new day, and it's already warmed up to 0 degrees. A heat wave here. Looking forward to another opportunity to do my best.

Goals for today
1. take medication
2. walk on treadie
3. be productive in the dungeon
4. stay positive
5. eat on plan somehow (challenge at df's house)



7:00 am
Meds taken::yes::

8:00 am
Breakfast --- two egg cheddar cheese omelet. 5 slices of bacon. coffee with 1/2 and 1/2. 20 ounces of water. 10 almonds.
(Probably too much bacon.)

10:00 am
Treadie walk. 18 minutes. 3/4 mile.

10:30 am
Snack ---about 15-20 raw almonds


2:00 pm
Lunch --- spinach and feta cheese omelet. Small salad with 1-2 oz feta. O/V salad dressing. 4-5 slices of bacon. Water.

4:30 pm
Snack --- 5 raw almonds. Lite cheese stick. Water.


6:45 pm
Waiting for the tow truck to pick up my vehicle. The breaks are growling at me. Will have to postpone dinner.

12:30 am Friday
Tow truck came.
7:00pm Dinner --- 3-4 slices deli turkey. 4 slices of bacon. 1-2 cups lettuce. 2-3 tablespoons ranch dressing. Water.


10:00 pm Snack --- about 20 raw almonds.

1:00 am Snack --- stress of kitty being sick---two slices of deli turkey.

Glad I did treadie this morning, because there is no way I could do it now. Tons and tons of snow here. Cold and damp. Chilled to the bone.

Have a great day everyone.......

DoeWDW
01-14-2004, 07:06 AM
It's chilly here too, A! I'm looking forward to spring already! We're scheduled to get a few inches of snow tonight. :(

Sorry to hear that things aren't going better at your dad's house. Here's some magic packing pixie dust :wizard: to help you get it all where it needs to go quickly. I'm sure you are exhausted and when this is finished you will feel so much better!

You seem to be doing well with your food. Jackie (ibouncetoo) wrote in my journal that she can sometimes break her stalled weight loss with a day or two of eating more calories than usual - boosts the metabolism. I thought about you immediately - maybe it would work? Please remember though that you should concentrate on eating healthy food - not bingeing on junk food. Fruit would be a good way to add in extra carbs and calories, and you haven't been eating it lately.

By the way, are you taking a multivitamin? You should be, just to make sure you're getting the basic vitamins and minerals. I've been using Centrum lately. Some vitamin deficiencies can cause you to stop losing weight, I think.

Hang in there, A! Spring is coming, your dad's house will be finished in the near future, the scale will start moving, you'll be getting some advice from your doctor - everything looks positive for the future, girlfriend!

Hope your day feels good! :sunny:

A1A1
01-14-2004, 07:12 AM
Thanks so much Doe. I have to keep all of this in perspective. I am proud of myself for making some very positive changes in my life. I will never give this up. I am becoming more of the person I want to be, and I hope that I should be. I deserve to be a healthier person. My dd deserves to have a healthier mom.

I ate a pretty high calorie breakfast. I hope that was okay. I will post it above in my daily food post.

Thanks again for the support. Looking forward to meeting you at the 1/2 marathon. :hyper:

ZerasPride
01-14-2004, 10:49 AM
Hi A!

Just me, one of your WISH buddies checking in with you. I am sorry you are feeling so tired. I do know when I started SBD that I felt sluggish off and on for the first week and then felt this rush of energy. It was great. But in the beginning I would come home from work at 6:00 and fall in the bed. I thought to myself that if this is what not eating carbs and sugar are going to do for me - forget it! But the feeling did pass, I just had to ride it out. It probably doesn't help that you are so busy helping out with your Dad's place but hang in there!

I did respond to your pm of yesterday afternoon. I'm trying to get used to checking that thing! I hope you have a great afternoon and in the words of Alicia Keyes keep in mind "Baby you know I'm worth it"! You are worth all the effort that goes into this woe and and we will be here to cheer you on!

Castillo Mom
01-14-2004, 01:54 PM
I'm away from your journal a couple of days and now I see you've gone and signed up for a marathon! Yay, kudos to you A! I also see that you're setting goals for yourself regularly and post a plan of action every day. You should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work!:D

A1A1
01-14-2004, 11:27 PM
I'm quick like that CastilloMom. I have missed you. Glad to read your kind words again.

HHHmmmmmm..........I am unfamiliar with that Alicia Keyes lyric. I only know one of her songs, but I can't think of the title. Is it from that most well-known song?

I think something is wrong with my cat. She is not eating or drinking very much. This has been going on for a little while now. She just turned her nose up at her treats, too. I hope she is alright. My dd just loves her. She is my little buddy too.

I am a little hungry right now, but it is 12:30 in the morning. Probably not a good idea to eat. I will try to read a little more SB, and off to sleep.
Will call the vet in the morning.

A1A1
01-15-2004, 06:24 AM
Schools are closed here due to extreme cold. Wind chills are 11 below zero. Freezing cold. Glad to be able to spend the day with dd. She needed a day off today with Mom too, I think.

I was up all night with kitty. She is very sick. I am waiting for vet to open.

On to something a little happier. I have done fairly well on my plan, so I will stay the course. I hope I have a chance to tread today.

Off to take meds and wait for the vet.

Goals for today
1. Stay very calm about cat
2. Be able to manage to care and the costs
3. Take meds.
4. Eat on plan
5. find time for treadie
6. Stay awake and positive


7:30 am
Meds taken

10:00
Feta cheese (lite variety) omelet, Bacon, Water, low cab ketchup

DoeWDW
01-15-2004, 09:28 AM
A, I'm so sorry to hear about your furbaby. :( I hope the vet can help.

No matter what happens, try to get on the treadie today, even if it's only for 5 minutes. I did NOT feel like doing my WATP workout last night, but I remembered reading in Dr. Phil's book that I don't have to FEEL like doing it, I just have to DO it. I felt better when it was done and very proud of myself for refusing to sit on my bum all evening when that was clearly what I wanted to do! ::yes:: You can do almost anything for 5 minutes, A! :sunny: Besides, it will help you feel warmer! :sunny: :sunny: :sunny:

Hope you have a good day at home with DD. Give your furbaby lots of extra love and maybe some water with a little chicken broth? That ALWAYS gets my puppy to drink!

Strings
01-15-2004, 08:01 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I hope everything works out.:grouphug: to you. You've done a great job remembering your meds. Way to go. Try to get on the treadmill. Exercise is a great stress reliever. Like Doreen said, even 5 minutes helps
Beth

septbride2002
01-15-2004, 09:12 PM
Hello! Just wanted to drop in and give some words of encouragement. Let us know how your visit to the Vet went. :hug:

~Amanda

DoeWDW
01-16-2004, 07:48 AM
A, I'm thinking of you and sending a :hug: your way.

lulu201
01-16-2004, 08:28 AM
Hi, A, just wanted to stop by and catch up on your journal. I am so sorry to hear about your cat. . .I hope the vet was able to help. :hug: to you.

A, I know that I don't get around to posting much, but I want you to know that I think you're doing an amazing job on this journey to leading a healthy life. You know, it really is a journey--one that is sometimes bumpy with even a pothole or two along the way ::yes:: --but if we keep taking those baby steps in the right direction it will all come together. Step by step, day by day, onward and downward. It isn't all about the number on the scale, either. It's about wholeness--about finding who we are and creating lives that honor us as individuals. That's what I like about the WISH--we're all doing things a bit differently, but we're united in our quest.

A, I'm praying that in the midst of the craziness our days sometimes have, you find some blessings. Take care now.

Erin

ZerasPride
01-16-2004, 08:39 AM
Hi A,

Just checking on you my friend. I am so sorry to your kittie is under the weather. I hope the vet can help.

With the school closing, it gives you and your daughter some extra time together and that has to be nice.

I agree with Erin about taking things one step and one day at a time. It can really get overwhelming if we look at the "big picture" all the time. Sometimes I find it helps to just take a section or fragment of the picture and concentrate on that.

I hope you have a good day and I look forward to reading more of your posts. Take care of yourself and stay warm!

A1A1
01-16-2004, 06:31 PM
Thank you wonderful friends for all of your well wishes. You are the best. My mother always said, "You never know what you can do for someone with just a few words." I will remember that my whole life. She was right. Our words are so powerful. It was amazing to read my journal and find that I actually had messages and friends wondering how I was doing. Thank you all.

Kitty is very, very sick. I spent a fortune and went to two different doctors yesterday. Problem is, they don't know which horrible illness it is for certain. Lots of tests, ultrasound, xrays, etc. I am pretty sure that my Easter trip with dd will have to be cancelled now. My instructions are to feed dear kitty every hour. I have to call the vet in the morning.

Father and his wife still want me to finish helping them with the packing. Movers will be there again tomorrow. I am very upset about this, as I have been there with dd until midnight or 1 am every day this week. I can't keep this up. Step mother's sister and her boyfriend are there tonight. I think I should have a night off, but they say they are counting on me. Dad says his wife will crack up if I am not there. "They rely on me."

I haven't been able to journal all my food, but I have been totally on plan, except for one small bite of dd's ham sandwich. Just one bite. I am not upset about it. The sandwich tasted good, but I had egg and spinach fritatta(sp?).

I have to go check kitty and give her more food. I will post when I can.

I haven't been on treadie, but have been working very hard with the packing and moving of boxes. Rear end hurts. I will get on my treadie probably Sunday again. Can't do it all.

DoeWDW
01-16-2004, 08:00 PM
A, I'm sending a gentle :hug: and some healing pixie dust :wizard: for your beloved kitty. I'll keep your furbaby in my prayers.

I didn't realize you were still helping with your Dad's packing! Of course you're getting lots of exercise - you just forget about that treadie until you have a day or two to recover!!

Please take care of yourself. That may include taking an evening off from packing. You can't help anyone else if you're exhausted yourself, sweetie! I'm worried about you! Your step mom will NOT fall apart - how melodramatic!! :rolleyes: Your first responsibility is to yourself and your sweet daughter. Dad and step mom are adults and are expected to handle their own affairs. Asking for some help is one thing, but abusing your kind and caring and helpful nature is another thing altogether.

I hope you can find a way to stay home with your daughter and nurse your sick furbaby as best you can.

Easier days are coming, A!! I promise!! ::yes::

:hug:

Castillo Mom
01-17-2004, 11:57 AM
A, I hope everything is ok with you. Sorry to hear about kitty. Our pets become part of our family don't they? I hope the vet can figure out what's wrong so that they can find the appropriate treatment.

I agree wholeheartedly with what Doreen said about taking a night off. Sometimes we spread ourselves too thin. Your first responsibility is your own household and you've been a good daughter in helping, but you deserve some rest.

Good to see that you were able to spend a day with your daughter. I took my kiddos to the movies last night, spur of the moment kind of thing. I'm missing them with these long hours I'm working.

Take care A, and I hope you can catch up on some rest this weekend. Take care!:hug:

A1A1
01-17-2004, 08:31 PM
Dear kitty is suffering some kind of liver failure. The cause is unknown for sure at this time. Right now, I am trying to feed her small amounts of food every hour. She also has liquid medicine that I give her.

I never knew what the D-Zone really was, but I think that tonight I must be in it. I am feeling all over sadness. Finally moved everything out of father's house. I feel sad thinking that I will never be able to go there again to get the feelings of my mother around me. Also, dear father has moved a half hour away. I feel very alone right now. My father has been my only support since dear husband's illness and mother's death. Sorry to post sadness. I know that this board is meant to boost people. This is the real me, and this is how I am feeling. I hope to make it to another phase of my life in which I can feel true happiness. This is my ultimate goal. I feel like I have been so sad for so long.


Food today:

I have remained on plan today, I think. I am between two plans, so I get confused sometimes. I ate two chicken wings--don't know if they would be good on Atkins or SBD, but I ate them just the same. About three cheese sticks. Water. Antipasto salad. The cheese and pepperoni off two slices of pizza----but no crust.


Exercise today:

I haven't formally exercised, but I have been working my tail off-packing, lifting, moving, loading box after box after box. I feel that I have gotten good all over body workouts this week.


I could use a hug right about now..............

DoeWDW
01-17-2004, 08:55 PM
:hug: to you, A! Wish I could give you one in person.... :(

I'm so sorry about your dear kitty, and everything else that you're feeling. I've been through some major bouts of depression when the whole world seemed black and I felt very alone, even in a room full of people. Please don't be afraid to post your true feelings here - this is not just a "happy" board. This is a reality board, and we truly want to know how you're feeling. This is a great place to put those feelings into words and vent. Sometimes I feel safer putting my feelings into words here than I do telling them to someone face to face.

I think you need a support system, A! If you are religious at all, start attending a church in your area. Maybe you can get to know some of your DD's classmates' moms? Maybe you can get a part time job, even if it doesn't pay much, and get to know some of your co-workers. Volunteering is also a great way to meet people and it can look great on a resume. You need in-person human contact, A. We can help you but it's hard to be your entire support system from so far away.

You are showing a lot of strength with your food choices, in spite of all that's going on in your life, and you should be very proud of yourself. You've already started to change the way you think about food and your eating habits. You are doing such a good job, and I wish you could feel the joy associated with that. I know it's hard, though, when there are so many other stressful things going on in your life.

Here's another :hug: . I hope tomorrow looks a bit sunnier. :sunny:

A1A1
01-18-2004, 11:08 PM
Everything hurts. We finished unloading the last box at 9 pm. My Dad is getting older, and certainly couldn't have done this by himself. I was glad that I am able to help him. What a workout! I know it will all feel more sore tomorrow, but at least that will remind me that I my muscles are stronger for all the work. I haven't walked on my treadmill for almost a week, but I think that I have gotten a much more strenuous workout. I will return to treadie tomorrow.

I ate too much today, I think. I just feel really full now. I don't like that feeling.


Meds taken.
Breakfast-----antipasto salad
Snack---two lite cheese sticks
Lunch----grilled chicken cobb salad from McDonald's
Dinner-----very large portion of cajun chicken (one full breast, not split) with melted cheese on top. Large serving of steamed broccoli. Water.

I just finished the last meal at 11pm. Too late to eat that large of a meal. I could have stopped after the first chicken breast. I was full then. I think I was too tired to make a good decision. I just kept eating. I wish I hadn't. My stomach has gotten used to smaller amounts of food, and I like it that way. This was a good learning experience, and I hope I can remember how I feel now the next time I am tempted to eat the second helping when I am already feeling full.

It will soon be TOM, so I am going to try to refrain from weighing myself this week. I will try to wait until after TOM. If we retain water from TOM, when during the cycle does it clear?

I have to go to bed. Exhausted. Looking forward to resuming my own schedule.

Hope all are well. Will catch up on journals tomorrow.

lulu201
01-19-2004, 07:48 AM
f:hug: from me, too, A. I have to say it, I agree with Doreen. This isn't just a "happy" board, particularly this whole journaling section of the WISH. Your journal is your opportunity to vent your truest emotions--the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad--lay it all out there. The way I look at it, you have many reasons to feel sad right now, and sometimes we just have to feel our emotions. I know that there are many times I want to EAT through my emotions, but that's not really the thing to do. Feel them, deal with them, and then move forward. I think that's what you're going to do, A.

I agree with Doreen about your human contact--you need a network of people close by and in your community who will offer support in a friendly way. See what's out there--do it for you. Do it as the next step in your positive transformation! ::yes::

Here's some :sunny: for the days ahead. Give that sweet kitty a kiss on her head from me; she's lucky to have you as her gentle, tender caregiver.

Erin

Strings
01-19-2004, 08:41 AM
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

A1, OMG. I'm away from your journal for a few days, and that's when you needed all your support. I'm so sorry. I hope your kitty will be okay.

You are doing an amazing job. You are under a tremendous amount of stress. I remember how I felt when my parents maved from my childhood home. I still occasionally drive by it. You've been doing a ton of stressful, manual labor, dealing with a sick kitty, caring for DD, remembering to take your meds, AND EATING ON PLAN! That's HUGE. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a real hug right now. You've come a long way, baby. Sometime in the next few weeks, (When Dkitty is better, and you can sleep a solid night or 2, or 3), go back and read your journal. You have come so far, and we're really proud of you.

To answer your question. Aunt Flo is evil. I can gain up to 7 pounds. A lot depends on my sodium and water intake. I generally lose most of my water weight by day 4, but it has been known to hang on for a whole week. If it will discourage you, get rid of the scale this week. Aunt flo will eventually leave and take her extra baggage with her.

Extra hugs:grouphug: and :wizard: pixie dust headed your way.
I'll check in this evening.

Try to get some sleep.
Beth

A1A1
01-19-2004, 04:47 PM
Thank you for the support. Today has been a bit better. I block things out of my head sometimes. It seems to help me to get through the day. I appreciate all the supportive friends I have on WISH board. I wouldn't have made it through the past three months without WISH and all of you..................Thank you, sincerely.


Forgot to take medicine today.


Breakfast---no time.


Lunch---I am so proud of myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took dd to lunch at her favorite restaurant--Olive Garden. I knew what I was going to order, so that it wouldn't be a super challenge. I had forgotten about the breadsticks, however. Here's how I did:

Minestrone soup----didn't eat the noodles or beans. The server brought me more of just the broth and veggies. I told her I didn't like pasta.
Water---no lemon
Decaf---with cream
Mixed Grill-----this is a dish of flame-grilled chicken and sausage with some kind of glaze sauce on top. Mixed squashes with the sauce, and roasted potatoes. I asked for the mixed grill without potatoes and with extra zucchini instead. Sauce on the side.

The server brought the Mixed Grill with the sauce on it. I kindly said that I asked for it without the sauce on it, and that I didn't have time to wait for it to be cooked again. She said they could just give me the same food on a new dish, so that the sauce could be left behind. I didn't want to take a chance on the sugar or starch that might be in the sauce. I didn't eat it. She took it off the bill. I am proud of myself, because I didn't eat any bread sticks----my favorite thing. And I didn't give in to my hunger and eat the sauce that I felt was not on my plan.

Snack----I made it to a lc bar by 4:00 pm, because I hadn't eaten, but filled up on water. I had no choice. It was an emergency.


Dinner----lettuce, part-skim mozz cheese, one plum tomato, one cucumber, about 6 slices (maybe more) or turkey bacon. Italian dressing. Water.


A pretty good day, but I don't like going more than 3 hours without food, so it was a challenge.

I fared pretty well, given my level of hunger and the temptations in front of me. I was not about to give up or give in. I was determined to stay on plan no matter how hungry I got. Great for me!!!! This is a good day.



Thank you for the support. I have considered going on an antidepressant, but don't want to slow my weight loss. I have read that antidepressants inhibit weight loss, and can cause weight gain. Anyone want to share knowledge about this? I have these waves of depression and saddness. I do get over them, but I worry about the effect of this depression and stress on my health. I want to be happy, but believe that I will never be truly happy again like I was with my husband. That was euphoria. I have never experienced happiness like that. Each day I was happier than the one before it, and I knew that. I really don't know what to do to recapture that feeling. I am convinced that I am going to just merely exist on this earth until it's my time to go. I don't want to do that. I want to be really happy. I want to count my blessings, and I do so daily. Thank goodness for dd. She is the only real joy in my life, but even that isn't the same as the feeling of happiness I had with my husband. Is this a big pity party or what???? It really is the way I feel. I don't want any pity. I just want to figure out how to change this current state of affairs.

I bought a new book at the bookstore today----The Purpose Driven Life. It takes passages from the scriptures and relates them to life and the meaning of life. I haven't begun it yet, but it should be an interesting read. I do need some enlightenment. I also bought the DaVinci Code. I never really have time to read, and I have yet to finish reading The South Beach Diet. I want to carve out some time to read each day.

Anybody else hit the wall at about 6 or 7 o'clock? I just sit here and type and fall asleep as I type. It is the same time every day.

ZerasPride
01-19-2004, 05:26 PM
Hi A,

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to check with you over the past few days. Here's a big :hug: from me to you! I know it can't take the place of human contact but please know that we are thinking of you.

My sister had a miscarriage last year (she lost twins) and she absolutely could not "just get over it". She cried everyday, all day. We thought she was going to lose her mind. We also have a childhood history that is extremely traumatic and unsolved issues from horrible events related to childhood. I have dealt with it through food, she dealt with it in a most destructive way. So these two things coupled together almost put her over the edge. She entered therapy and is taking medication. She says it has made all the difference in the world to her. When you are physically sick you don't just pray for relief, you see a qualified doctor. The same can be true of our mental health.

I am relating how a close family member sought professional help and she told me just recently that she can feel the difference in the days she takes her meds and the days she forgets. I am so happy to have my sister back. Just thought I would give you some food for thought my friend.

On a lighter note, I am so proud of you with your Olive Garden meal. That's one place I don't know if I can visit anytime soon. I loved the bread and the pasta dishes. But it's nice to know you can order something with all the carbs there. I will keep that in mind. You have been showing such strength - never doubt that you are a strong and vibrant person. You are!

I hope you can find the answers to help you return to that happy place or a least to a place similar to where you were. Take care!

Strings
01-19-2004, 09:26 PM
A1, :hug: to you. I know you are going thru a horrible time right now. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can't imagine your pain. Even with this you are making good choices right now, and should be proud of yourself.
I cn tell you a little about antidepressants. They are not my area of expertise, but I know the basics. Yes, they can cause weight gain in some individuals. I know you don't want to stall your weight loss. I think you need to weigh your options. With an antidepressant, you might sleep better, have more energy, and feel better about yourself and your situation. Do you turn to food for comfort? Are you not exercising because of a lack of energy? An antidepressant might help in those areas. If you start feeling better, and can make more positive changes in our life. It might not slow your weight loss. Know that antidepressants aren't an instant fix either. Most take 3 weeks before the levels are sufficient to notice a differance. I am pro-antidepressant. I have seen dramatic changes in people. They aren't for everyone, but they can be a huge help. I also can't stress the benefits of counselling enough. I think having a safe place to talk about anything is a huge benefit. It would be an additional support for you. You could also work on coping techniques. Another thing to keep in mind is that you are hypothyroid. Your hypothyroidism can be contributing to your symptoms of depression. Keep taking your synthroid.

I'm sorry if I ended up on my soapbox. Feel free to PM me anytime. I think you are doing an amazing job keeping yourself together, and raising your DD. You are making great choices for yourself, and come a long way in a short period of time. I am proud of you.
Beth

DoeWDW
01-20-2004, 08:45 AM
A, reading your posts reminds me of my episodes of deep depression. It was like I was alive, going through all the motions of life, but I had no feelings inside except a deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness. There were times when I literally could not get out of bed. I'd sleep for 2 - 3 days. I knew I needed help because I could not function as a wife or mother or hope to keep my job.

My doctor prescribed Celexa and I started counseling. It helped somewhat - at least I could function at about 50% of my old self. I stayed that way for a year, figuring this was as good as I could hope for. I'd make it through a week of work and then sleep all weekend to recharge for the next week. Finally I mentioned this to my doctor and he switched my medicine.

Since I've started Effexor in October, I have felt so much better. I'm much more the "old" me, feeling positive, having more energy, caring more about life and those around me.

I did not gain weight with either the Celexa or the Effexor. Even if I had, the effects of the medication would have been worth it. I was on a downward spiral and was very frightened of where that spiral might end. I could see me on permanent disability, unable to work, sleeping in a dark room day and night, my kids and husband left to fend for themselves and having to take care of me and watch as I slowly faded away. It frightened me and I did NOT want to end up that way.

Sorry to go on so long - just wanted to share some of my experiences with you. I was terrified to try medication, but I was more terrified of where I'd end up without it.

I hope you can find the answers for the way you're feeling. I searched and searched for reasons, and came to the conclusion that my depression was merely a chemical imbalance. No amount of self-help can fix a chemical imbalance.

A, I do admire you! You are a strong woman - much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your choices and your attitude are awesome! You've come so far, and I have the feeling that this is just the beginning for you.

Keep it up, A! Keep making good choices and taking baby steps in the right direction. I feel blessed to be sharing your journey.

:hug:

marsh0013
01-20-2004, 09:03 AM
hey A, i just wanted to pop in and offer my support as well :hug:

i know you've been going through a rough time, and i hope that you are feeling better. i dont' want to pretend to be an expert, but i agree with everyone who said that you need to take care of yourself, whether it means anti-depressant, or seeing a counsellor, or whatever will help you. and never hesitate to come here to your wish friends for support. we are here for you! :grouphug:

A1A1
01-20-2004, 09:59 AM
Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It is very meaningful.

Doe, I almost wanted to cry reading your post. You shared so much of yourself that yOu didn't have to share. Thank you. I feel that you understand the feelings I have. I really do feel like I am "going through the motions" every day. My daughter is what helps me get out of bed every day.

I am positive about my weight loss impacting my self esteem. It has to help. I already feel better. I already feel in control. I already feel less a victim of myself. I wish I weren't so tired all the time, though, so I could get more exercise in my day. I am concerned about finding the time necessary to train for a long distance walk/run. I refuse to quit, though. I will just work on that.

I am substitute teaching now/music. Picked up three days at this week. I am glad for that. Hope that I can get a job for next year. That will certainly keep my mind occupied.

I am going to consider some options and discuss them with my doctor at my physical next week. I trust him completely, and he is familiar with the family history.


My cat's skin and eyes are looking less yellow, so I am hoping that her liver is functioning a little better. I have been feeding her every hour during awake time, so that her liver will start to clear some of that junk. I am so grateful, and I hope she continues to progress.

I am trying not to weigh myself this week due to pending TOM, but it is difficult. I need a status check.


Here is my day so far:

Meds taken!!!!!! I put them in a new location, so that I can't miss them in the morning.

Breakfast----two eggs scrambled. 4 pieces of bacon. lc ketchup. water.




Edit to complete the day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch---low fat feta and mushroom sausage. lettuce and cucumber with italian dressing. Water.

Snack----a small handful of walnuts.

dinner----sliced low fat salami slices. low fat swiss slices. turkey slices. This awsome eggplant spread. Very low carb, and very very, very, very good. I love it. I rolled the meats and cheeses with the eggplant spread inside. Wow.



Exercise-----one mile on my treadmill this a.m.
Got the 1 mile WATP tape today and did the tape tonight. Actually, I just walked on my treadmill with the tape on. I thought it was going to be a tape to use with a treadmill. Funny thing is, I changed pace each time the tempo of the music changed. I am a musician, so I can definitely find the beat and change tempo. The tape was not 1 mile, it was only .75 or so. HHmmmmmmm.:scratchin Well...I just kept walking through the cool down, and did 1.10 miles. I just wish I could do 2 miles at the same time. Found a good training website, and will use it but will extend the training time to the full year instead of the three months they designed.

DoeWDW
01-20-2004, 10:47 AM
A, so much for you to celebrate today!!
- feeling better
- kitty feeling better - poor furbaby :(
- substitute teaching! You are brave! ::yes::
- finding a good spot for your meds so you won't forget them!!

Maybe you can catch an afternoon nap on those days when you're not teaching? I hope the doc can help you pin down the reason for your tiredness. Are you taking a multivitamin? Extreme fatigue was a big component of my depression - I used to fall asleep looking at my computer screen at work - just could not keep my eyes open! :rolleyes:

DoeWDW
01-20-2004, 02:15 PM
You wrote me such a nice entry in my journal, A. Thank you for supporting me! In response, I wrote:

A, you are such a sweetie! Your reminder of my post to your journal reminded me that I wanted to reread your journal from the beginning. If you have the time, you should do this! It reminds me of a butterfly coming out of her coccoon, slowly and tentatively at times, but definitely an amazing and beautiful creature and spreading her wings ever more confidently. Guess I should have posted this to YOUR journal - oops! I can't wait to meet you in person! I promise I'll be celebrating your success at the half!!

I just wanted you to have this in your journal. You truly inspire me, A. I'm so glad we're walking together on this healthy living journey! :happy1:

Castillo Mom
01-20-2004, 03:47 PM
A, I'm so sorry I've haven't posted to your journal the last coulple of days. I can truyl empathize with what you're going through. Depression can be very debilitating. I remember going through it and barely being able to care for my children. It was during a time when I separated from my husband. I was just devasted and at the time my children were 9 months, 2 1/2 and 4. I could have slept for days at a time but I had to be there for my little ones. It was a very dark period in my life. I'm not comparing it the the loss of your spouse, but I've had a taste of what serious depression feels like. It really does affect one in so many ways, even physically. I was on Prozac for a while and finally reached a point where I didn't have to take it anymore. I'm sure if you went to a doctor you could discuss what your options are in terms of different types of meds. My MIL and mother both lost their husband 1 and 2 years ago respectively. They're both still dealing with their loss and probably will for the rest of their life to an extent. But there is joy and happiness to be had by you A. Just give it time. No one can measure exactly how long that will be and no one should ever say that you should be over it by now. Whether you're religious or not, the book of Psalms in the bible offers words of comfort and helped me during my darkest moments and you may find comfort there as well. You should be very proud of yourself for setting goals for yourself, I think that will help you in the long run. Hugs to A, take care.:hug:

A1A1
01-20-2004, 08:50 PM
I thank you all so much for your kind replies. I did lose my husband the way I knew him. He is a shell of a man now. He lives in a nursing home at a very young age. He was 28 when he went in. After 4 months in ICU (3 1/2 of that in critical condition), he suffered severe and permanent brain damage from a very rare and deadly bacterial pneumonia. I did lose him, but his body is still here, a painful reminder to me of the man I lost. He didn't die, but his mind did. When I visit him, I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to tell me he is okay. I want him to tell me either he knows what's happened to him, or that he doesn't. He can't tell me anything. It sometimes seems to me to be worse than if he did die. The nurses used to say to me that it would have been better if he died. That killed me to hear. I feel such immense guilt for the condition of his life. I have beaten up on myself for all these years because I couldn't save him and because I couldn't/can't take care of him at home. I vowed that if he lived, I would. I tried to take care of him, and I can't. I am sorry to burden other people with this. I have been trying to withhold information, because I didn't feel that anyone cared. I know everybody has their own crosses to carry, and this is mine. I understand if people can't stand to read my journal, because it is so darn depressing. I apologize, but this has become a good and positive outlet for me. I gained 80 pounds after he got sick. I did this to myself, because I felt I deserved it. I have hated myself for almost 7 years now. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to love myself, because my dear husband would want me to. Enough said about that. There. It is out there. It is not my secret anymore. I may wait a minute to see if I have enough courage to post this.

Strings
01-20-2004, 09:19 PM
A,

I'm speechless. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are an incredibly brave woman. Not just for posting the truth about your husband, but for living the life you are. You are raising a wonderful daughter. You could have become bitter, but you are a kind, thoughtful, and loving woman. Of course you still grieve for your husband and the life you were to be sharing. I'm sorry those nurses were so insensitive. Remember, you did not do this to your husband. You are doing your best to care for him right now. He is in a facility where there are people to care for him. From the sound of it, you visit and talk with him. That's a lot more than most families do long term. I'm a nurse, I honestly don't think I could care for my husband 24/7 in the same situation. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job.

A,
You have not asked anyone to read your journal. It is YOUR journal. Post whatever you want/need to. If people don't want to read it, they won't. Screw them. The people who do read it, do so because they care. We would like to support you. You may not realize it, but you inspire us to be better. You have come so far, despite horrible circumstances. You prove that we can make progress, and do this. If I can help you in any way, please let me know. You are doing an amazing job.:hug: headed your way. I wish I could do more.

Beth

DoeWDW
01-21-2004, 11:13 AM
A, I am so sorry for all you've gone through. :( I can't imagine the range of emotions you have gone through and are now going through with your dear husband. He must have been incredible - I can still hear your love for him in your posts. To see him now must be heart-rending. You are still loving him and honoring him by having qualified people care for his needs. You are doing the very best you can for him and that is all he would ever want you to do. It is probably what you would want him to do if your roles were reversed.

Beth is right, A - this is YOUR journal. You should use this journal in whatever way works best for you. I do not find your journal depressing. I find it incredible! I think you are so brave and courageous to be living the life you're living and raising your daughter in a loving home without your dear husband to help you. You are facing the areas in your life that you'd like to change and meeting the challenges head on. I meant exactly what I wrote - you truly remind me of a beautiful butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Maybe you can't see the beauty yet, A, but I can. Please trust me - you'll see it too in time.

I'm still here, still walking beside you, still caring about you. You are not alone.

:hug:

septbride2002
01-21-2004, 01:01 PM
A,
I'm not always great with words so....:hug:

A1A1
01-21-2004, 04:04 PM
Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. They have been very essential to the success of my knew lifestyle.


I will just go on with today being a new day, a new gift from God.






I worked today, substitute teaching, so I was scrambling this morning. Took my medication. Had a few slices of turkey and lettuce with Italian dressing. Out the door I flew.

Lunch----about 4 ounces of low fat salami with part skim mozz shreds rolled inside. Water.

Snack----lots of pistachios. My new favorite thing!!! These are awsome nuts!!!!!! It was fun to take them out of the shell. Good thing there was a shell between me and those nuts. Water

I am very tired. I have never heard the "f word" so many times in my life! It must be in the hundreds today. This school is one of the better middle schools in the area. I did my student teaching at that school last year, so about 90 percent of the students I had today knew me. That made it alot better. I am considering going back to school again next year. I have been offered an assistantship with the department chairperson, and I feel it is a good opportunity. Only thing is, it has become very difficult to make ends meet without working regularly. There are so few jobs available in my area of teaching, that I can't count on having one next year either. I will sleep on it another night. I have to have the application in by February 1, though. One night of sleep is about all I can afford.

I need a nap...........................:o :faint:




Update----8:10pm
Well it must have been right after I pushed "post reply" that I fell asleep sitting up at my computer. I remember my daughter pushing my forehead up and telling me that I needed to go to bed. I laid down on the couch and took a two hour nap. I am looking forward to my physical, because I think it is time to up the thyroid medication. I could sleep 24/7. I did have a little something to eat and will post it here.


Dinner------slices of deli turkey. slices of lf swiss cheese. These were rolled together with this new eggplant chutney in the middle. I love this chutney. I did notice tonight that it has honey in it----Yikes!!!!!! It has 1.7 carbs per tablespoon. I had about four to five tablespoons. I am not going to stress about it. Hopefully it won't have a huge impact on me. I think I am going to go to bed now. Still so very tired. I love the Diet Rite sodas, also. Had a glass of tangerine tonight with a very small bit of sunflower seeds.

How bad do you think the chutney was tonight???

ZerasPride
01-21-2004, 08:47 PM
:wave2: A,

I'm just checking up on you. I'm glad you have a sub assignment at a school where the kids are familar with you - I couldn't imagine being a substitute teacher thinking about the disrespect kids must give teachers these days. And you thought you weren't tough? You'd have to be to do what you do.

I don't have any words of wisdom as far as the position you are contemplating but I hope, no I know you will make the right decision for you and your daughter.

I don't know much about chutney. You said it's made with honey? I know honey is on the eat sparingly or not at all list for SBD so I would have to pretty much stay away from it. I hate when I discover something good tasting and then find out I can't have it on my woe. I hope it's okay for you and doesn't cause a stall.

Have a good night, I'll check on you again soon!

DoeWDW
01-21-2004, 08:57 PM
Let's see, 1.7g carbs x 5 tbsp = 8.5 carbs. I don't think the chutney was too bad, considering you had turkey & cheese with it - the protein would slow the absorption of the carbs.

I am a bit concerned about the amount of low-fat things you're eating. It's hard to do Atkins AND low-fat - they really don't go together. You may want to plug your food into Fitday for a few days to make sure you're getting enough calories.

Congrats on getting through your day as a sub! No wonder you are so tired tonight! I am anxious to hear about your visit with your doc - I hope it's soon.

Best wishes on making the decision about where you should be working next year. I'll keep you in my prayers for that one!

Take care!

A1A1
01-22-2004, 06:51 AM
A new day..............


7:30 am
Meds taken
Walked on treadmill---1 mile
Breakfast------lettuce, sliced turkey, lf mozz, lf swiss, italian dressing

I am going to change the title of my journal, because I have begun to do some kind of morphing to something resembling South Beach. I am not done with the book yet, and am so used to doing the Atkins plan, that it is difficult for me to totally change. I have stopped counting carbs. I don't count anything anymore. I just eat things that I like that fall within the guidelines of SBD, I think. I might be making some mistakes, though. I read somewhere that I shouldn't be eating smoked turkey slices, but that is what I bought at the deli. I am not sure why smoked meats would be bad. Anyway, I will soon be finished with the book, and I can review and clarify the guidelines for myself.

Regardless of what plan I am officially following, I have made significant changes, and I am proud. My daughter said to me this morning, "Mommy, you are getting skinny." She doesn't know what I am doing, because I don't talk about it. I just do it. So- her compliment was more meaningful.



Edit-----Edit-----Edit-----Edit-----Edit

snack ---- pistachios

Lunch -----large size albacore tuna pouch, plain (yuck!). Water and tea.

Snack - pistachios

Dinner ----- low fat salami, low fat swiss slices, salad with italian dressing. cashew pieces.

I am having a serious nut addiction lately. It is now TOM, and I hope that is to blame. I purchased the ff fudgies tonight. I needed something ice cream-like and something chocolatey.

DoeWDW
01-22-2004, 07:35 AM
South Beach is a great plan! That explains the low-fat stuff, too - thanks for clearing that up. You're doing a great job, A!!

Glad to hear you got such a nice compliment from your daughter! :D Also, good for you for getting a mile in on the treadie!! :Pinkbounc

Have a wonderful day, A! :sunny:

Strings
01-22-2004, 08:39 AM
A, I think South Beach is a great plan. I've incorporated qiute a few things from that diet into my Atkins plan. I can't totally switch because DH is doing this with me, and doesn't want to put the energy into figuring out the switch. I am very impressed with your DD. Kids can be oblivious. You now have proof that others are noticing the changes too. I'm so proud of all the hard work you've put into this. Keep it up.
Have a great day.
Beth

A1A1
01-23-2004, 07:07 AM
Friday......................January 23


Meds taken...
Breakfast------sliced deli turkey, lettuce, olive oil, white vinegar, water.

I will have to rush to get ready for work. Running late. I get so caught up reading WISH entries.

It is now TOM, and I slept a ton last night. Very tired. Wondering if I need an iron pill.



Update
Snack------pistachios
Lunch------turkey slices, lf cheese sticks, water, tea.
Snack------almonds

Finished work. Going to the doctor to pick up the script for bloodwork. Want to have this done before the physical so we can discuss the results.

Strings
01-23-2004, 07:45 AM
Hey A, be careful, DZone is sneaky. Good Luck with it. Wait until you see your doctor before you start iron pills. He'll check your CBC. If it is normal, don't bother. Great job remembering your meds. Have a good day.
Beth:wave:

lulu201
01-23-2004, 07:56 AM
Oh, my gosh, I'm away from your journal for a week, A, and so much has been discussed. Please accept my :hug:, too!

A, you've gone through a lot. No, you've gone through more than what some people go through in a lifetime, and you're still here! You're strong, A, and like Doreen said, you're growing and you're changing into a person ready to spread her wings. After the darkness, there is always a dawn, and your new day is coming.

I've read the Purpose Driven Life and highly recommend it. To me, it gets to the real essence of what life is about and why we're here. If we're living according to our purpose, we feel at peace--and I wish you peace and hope and joy in your life, A. It will come, not like the happiness you had before, but it WILL come, a new happiness tempered by the experiences that are making you a wise woman.

I didn't know that you were a musician!! Imagine that! So am I!
What's your instrument? My degree is a combination of music therapy and music ed., with a piano and voice emphasis. Anyway, I hope that you're able to participate in some kind of musical activity--a choir, a community orchestra, private lessons. . .you need to be feeding that part of yourself. Your spirit needs it. I know that it's hard to find the time, but you need to try. (I know, another thing for the "to do" list:rolleyes: ). I started singing at my church again after a 12 year "child rearing break" from choir and it has done so much for me. It's given me a network of new friends at church, a feeling of belonging, and it's been a gift to me spiritually. It's something for you to consider.

Middle school MUSIC substituting--oh, man, A, you ARE amazing!
Pat yourself on the back for that! :teeth: Enjoy your day, and take from it some special moments and hold them to your heart (another book worth reading: Simple Abundance).

I'm glad you took your meds, and please let us know how things work out at the dr. this coming week.

Erin:hug:

Castillo Mom
01-24-2004, 11:41 AM
Hello A, I'm happy to see you're stilling hanging in the and are staying focused. I'm glad you're going to the doctor and getting that blood work done, you need to stay healthy. My time is limited this morning but I wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts and that I'll be checking in with you and my other WISH buddies on Monday. Take care!:D

DoeWDW
01-24-2004, 01:46 PM
A, I'm glad to hear you got through work yesterday and are getting your bloodwork done before your physical. You are working so hard to make healthy choices and are doing a fabulous job.

Did you make any decisions about next year? I've been thinking about what a hard choice that would be to make. I hope you are at peace with your decision, whichever way you decide to go.

I've gotta run - not much time at the moment - but I'll check in later, OK?

:hug:

A1A1
01-24-2004, 05:59 PM
A good day with dd today. I got up bright and early, 6:30 am, to get my blood drawn for my physical on Thursday. I wanted to get the results at my physical, rather than wait for the results afterward, so went ahead and got blood drawn ahead of time. Took dog to the doggie beauty parlour.


Breakfast
Took DD out for breakfast.
Bob Evans restaurant now has a couple of low carb choices listed. I ordered the Protein Plus---three eggs and two choices of breakfast meats. It still came out with the potatoes on the plate by accident. The server took them away. I had decaf and water.

Lunch
Late lunch was a salad with grilled chicken and greek dressing. Water.

Snack
Ricotta cheese with Atkins chocolate syrup and splenda. A few cashew pieces, too. It was a tasty dessert. It is like my grandmother's cannoli filling.

I hope to get on my treadmill tonight after dd goes to bed. I really want to crawl into bed and read or knit. I am not hungry right now, but will probably try to pound down some more water.

I want to have a stress test after my physical, too. Just want to be certain about this training for the half-marathon with all this excess weight.

I haven't gotten on the scale in over a week. That is a record for me!!!!!! I just hope that I see a pretty good loss when TOM is over and I do get on or I will be gutted!!!!!

Have a greet week everyone!!!! I will be catching up with journals by tommorow.:wave:

DoeWDW
01-24-2004, 09:20 PM
A, your food choices look yummy today! Thanks for the news about Bob Evans' new low-carb options - didn't know about that!

Don't forget, the scale is just a number! Are your clothes getting looser? Are you feeling better? That scale WILL cooperate, especially since you're making such good choices, but it doesn't always cooperate when we want it to. I'm sending extra :wizard: so that scale will cooperate when you are ready. Good for you for not getting on it when you know you're carrying extra water weight from TOM!!

Sleep well tonight! I hope tomorrow is a good day for you, A! :sunny:

lulu201
01-25-2004, 05:55 AM
Hi, A. Have a great Sunday and keep walking the healthy living walk. Drink lots of water and try to get on that treadie. The number on the scale--well, I hope it is lower than the last time, but like Doreen says, what's important is how you're feeling. You're taking care of yourself, A, that's what's significant!

Take care now,
Erin

A1A1
01-25-2004, 06:28 PM
Forgot to take my medicine today. I moved it to a new location again. Maybe not the best location. I will put it back in the kitchen where it was.

Breakfast --- slices of turkey with lettuce. Olive oil and vinegar. Water.

Snack ---- nuts (of course)

Dinner --- chicken that I had prepared last night with some spices. Bought lots of chicken because it was on sale. Cut up the breast pieces and seasoned, brushed with olive oil, and George Foreman'd them. Also ate lettuce (romaine) with olive oil and vinegar. A bit of shredded mozzarella on the salad. Diet Rite raspberry soda. Very good. A small handful of cashew pieces. Dessert --- 1 ff fudgesicle. Yum.

I got myself some new running pants at Marshall's today. Also got some special running socks. I hope to use them today. Was too tired yesterday to get on treadie. Please God..........let me get on for at least 15 minutes today........Please.................

The physical that I thought was Thursday.......well, it's actually tomorrow morning!!!!!! I got a call today from a computer to confirm the appointment. I also have to sub tomorrow. My appointment is at 7:30. I will have to rush out of there to get to my job in time. The school is about 5 minutes from the doctor. Good thing.

Going to read to dd now. G'nite.

Strings
01-25-2004, 06:53 PM
A, great food chioces this weekend. Good Luck at the Doctor's in the AM. Can I make a suggestion? You have lots of questions. Write them down. I always forget at least one of my questions. It will also help you keep the appointment running with no pauses. Try not to get a speeding ticket on your way to work.
Beth

marsh0013
01-25-2004, 09:38 PM
hey a, good luck at the doctor's in the am. hope everyitng goes well for you. let us know how it goes. i'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way :sunny:

Castillo Mom
01-25-2004, 11:34 PM
Hey you, how ya doin'? You've done very well this weekend and you sent those potatoes back at the restaurant, good for you! I just wanted to say a quick hello before I collapse in bed and wish you well with your doctor visit tomorrow. Take care A!:D

DoeWDW
01-26-2004, 05:32 AM
A, here's a :hug:, some pixie dust :wizard:, and some good thoughts :goodvibes coming your way for your visit with the doctor this morning. I'm hoping the two of you can find a way to help you feel better.

Also, here's some extra :wizard: pixie dust for a good day at school today!

A1A1
01-26-2004, 05:24 PM
Thanks for the extra pixie dust, friends.


Okay.........doctor appointment this morning at 7:30am. Bloodwork was very good. My cholesterol was even better than two years ago when I weighed 20 pounds less than I do now. I was thrilled. I asked Dr. if I could have a stress test to make sure that I can exercise, and he said I didn't need it. He was wonderful. I love this doctor so much. He always puts my mind at ease and talks to me with such respect. I can't say enough about him. He was happy with the changes that I have made to my lifestyle. OUch! Had a tetanus shot. Didn't really hurt.

Oh, BTW friends................................I AM 1.5 POUNDS AWAY FROM ONDERLAND AND A 15 POUND CLIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hoping that by the end of the week, I may be rounding that 100 pound corner. The 100's are almost in sight. I haven't been weighing myself lately, because of TOM, but I did this morning. Didn't want to have too big of a shock at the doctor's office if my weight went up. There is a really skinny mirror at the school where I worked today. I love it. It is also kind of cloudy, because it is old. That mirror even erases wrinkles and skin imperfections!!!!! It does wonders for you.

All of this good news having been said, I had a major run in with a bag of cashews tonight. I ate about half the bag. I am seriously addicted. I need to do something about it--------or else.

Forgot meds this morning--------in a huge rush, and didn't move them back to the original location.

Breakfast ------- no time

Snack -------- Cheese stick. Water. Water. Water. Water. Water.

Lunch ---------- 30 pistachios, Turkey slices on lettuce with olive oil and vinegar. Water.

Snack -------- cheese stick. 30 Pistachios. Water. Water. Water.

Dinner --------- Run in with the pistachios, and a chaser of almonds. Chicken with lettuce. Olive oil and vinegar. Mozzarella cheese shreds. Diet Rite red raspberry.

I am going to walk on my treadmill tonight. Period. I hope.

DoeWDW
01-26-2004, 05:42 PM
:jumping1: SO MUCH TO CELEBRATE!! :jumping1:

A, your post has made my day!! I'm so happy for you - only 1.5 pounds from Onederland! You must be so excited!! I can't wait to see you in that 15 pound clippie - have never seen a clippie in your signature and that one will be such a nice addition!!

When you find a great doctor, it is truly like a gift from Heaven - I have one like that too! Good cholesterol numbers and an okay for exercise - WOW! Now, what did the doc say about your fatigue??

Now, stop reading this post and go put your meds where you will be sure to find them tomorrow morning........I'll wait right here until you get back.........go on!!

Are your meds in a good spot now???? Good!!

Now about those nuts.....oh, they are so addicting!!! Can you put them into some separate zip-loc bags with just one serving in each bag?? Then put a separate date on each bag - one for each day. Try to make them last! I have the same problem with them, A. Sometimes I just have to stay away from them for a while. :rolleyes:

I hope you find the time for that treadie, even if it's just 10 minutes.

:sunny: Glad your day was a sunny one, A!! :sunny:

Strings
01-26-2004, 07:30 PM
:bounce: :Pinkbounc :bounce: :Pinkbounc :bounce: :Pinkbounc :Pinkbounc :bounce: :Pinkbounc :bounce: :bounce: :Pinkbounc :bounce:

Congratulations!!! I'm so glad your appointment went well. What did he say about your energy level. How is your thyroid doing? You must be so excited about onderland and that 15 pound clippie. It will look so good on you. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. How was teaching today?
Beth

Castillo Mom
01-27-2004, 01:11 AM
Whoa, onederland 1.5 lb away! I'm so happy for you A, that's a major milestone! I'm glad to hear that your doctor gave you a clean bill of health. And it's wonderful that he's able to sit down and take the time to talk to you, that's so important. Good night A, and I hope tomorrow is as wonderful as today has been for you.

A1A1
01-27-2004, 05:52 AM
Thanks for the questions and support, friends!


Strings---my thyroid level was within normal limits. 1.7, I think, so he said the med dosage was fine. He did tell me he would be interested to know how deeply I am sleeping at night. We talked about obstructive sleep apnea, which I learned about on the WISH board. Since dh is not next to me at night to tell me if I snore, I will need to tape record a sleep session to see. Whatever happens, if anything, will have to happen in the course of a 60 minute cassette tape. Really, I just hit the wall around 6 pm. I almost can't function. I used to read to dd each night, but I haven't been able to manage it for a while. We also talked about taking an antidepressant, but I decided against if for the time being, with the hope that remaining constant with my thyroid med, improved diet and exercise might help with any symptoms of depression. I am going to give it until spring to see what happens. Maybe I'm tired because I'm depressed. Anyone know how that works? I'm fine during the day, but 6 pm comes around and, I am done.



Well, unfortunately I did not make it to the treadie last night. I was in bed and asleep by 7:30. After my WISH posts, I was done. Couldn't step on treadie if I wanted to--------but, I did want to.


I can't wait to check the weigh-in tomorrow morning (Wednesday) to see if I have made it to onderland. I hope so!!!!! I am excited.

I will be volunteering in my dd's classroom today. Helping with reading. Then later, a meeting at the university to talk about going back to school in the fall. I am not sure if it is right for me. That means a couple more years of no steady income to offset some of this huge debt I have accrued. I am being offered a nice assistantship, though. I feel it is an opportunity I almost can't pass up. If my career goals were clear, the decision would be clear. If I don't accept this offer now, I will never be able to do it. I couldn't afford it otherwise.




Goals for today
1. Take meds
2. Drink tons of water
3. Eat on plan
4. Treadmill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Complete my application to bring to my appointment this afternoon.
6. Have a good appointment---be sharp and focused
7. Have fun at dd's school.
8. Drive safely----ice storm today.



Hope all my WISH buddies have great days and achieve their goals.

marsh0013
01-27-2004, 10:35 AM
hey a, sounds like yo'uve got a busy day planned for yourself. hope that you enjoy the time with dd's class. also, good luck with the meeting tonight. i know it must be a tough decision for you. here's some :wizard: to help you make the decision that is right for you. have a great day, and good luck with weigh in tomorrow! :)

Strings
01-27-2004, 02:12 PM
Hey A. I'm glad to hear that your meds are working. As for the sleep apnea. If you do have it, it should improve as you lose weight. Even more incentive to keep on track.

I hope your meeting goes well. I know you'll make the right decision for yourself and DD. Good Luck. Here's a :hug: and some :wizard: headed your way for today.

Beth

ZerasPride
01-27-2004, 03:04 PM
Hi A!

I'm sorry it's been a while since I have been able to check on you. Looks what happens when I'm away for a while, you go off to onederland without me! Congratulations on being so close. I hope Wednesday's weigh in puts in smack in the middle of onederland, you deserve it! Keep up the great work, you are doing so well. I am glad you found a good doctor too.

I'll check back with you again real soon. Take care!

A1A1
01-27-2004, 05:38 PM
Well....I didn't achieve all of my goals today.

Ate on plan
Didn't drink enough water yet.
Did take medication
Didn't get on treadie yet.
Didn't finish application for appointment.
Was sharp and focused at appointment.
Had a good time and did a good job for dd's teacher.
The weather is horrible and the driving is very bad, but I did fine.



Food recap.

Breakfast---- cheese stick
Snack ----- almonds
Lunch ----- leftover chicken and lettuce. Olive oil and vinegar. Diet Rite.
Snack ----- cheese stick. almonds.
Dinner ----- shrimp and lc shrimp coctail. green beans and tomato with olive oil and vinegar. water.

I am looking forward to a fudgesicle tonight.

Since I ate so much salty shrimp, I am not expecting Onderland tomorrow morning. That's okay. I know I am going in the right direction.


I think there is something definitely wrong with this-----I absolutely cannot function after about 6:30 pm. I just want dd to put herself to bed. I can't even be rational. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep more than anything else. I wonder what time other people fail to function properly.

A1A1
01-28-2004, 06:00 AM
The results of the weigh-in--------------------I didn't make it to Onderland today. The scale said 200.5. Oh well. I will make it next time. It's okay.

I have noticed so many changes in myself with just the first 15 pounds gone.
I look better and feel better than I did three months ago when I started my new healthy living.
My skin even looks better.
I look a little younger, I think.
I am amazed at how easily I bend down and pick things up. When I put my boots on now, I don't sit down or bend down to do it. I grab the boot, and lift my foot up as high as I can to put it on.
I am enjoying this new freedom of movement.
I feel more confident.
I feel lighter on my feet, and more compact.
My pants fit a little better.
My hair looks better - less dry- and holds a style without hairspray.


I only have about 44.5 pounds left to lose. Previously, I would have thought this near impossible. But since joining WISH, I see it as not only very possible, but inevitable. I Will get to my goal. It's just a matter of time.

My goals for the day are the same. I will be helping at dd's school with the snowman contest. That should be fun, and since I have found this new comfort with my body, it should be easier for me also. I hope to clean up in here a bit, and to walk on treadie.

I think I have found my problem during the night. I wake up several times. I never get to a really deep sleep. I don't know why. I guess next step will be to do the tape recording of my sleep. I don't know what the doctor will prescribe. A light sleeping pill maybe. I think I have some anxiety that I will not wake up to do the things I need to do, or that I have so many things on my mind, financial woes. Lots on my mind all the time. I need to relieve my mind of them a little bit every day. Somehow.
I bet exercise will help that.

DoeWDW
01-28-2004, 08:14 AM
:jumping3: Another pound GONE!! :jumping3:

I LOVE your attitude about your weight loss - that positive energy and drive, that inner confidence of knowing that the weight can and will come off.

I also LOVE your list of changes that you've noticed since starting this healthy living journey. They are fabulous changes and should be celebrated! ::yes:: The great thing is that it will just keep getting better and better as you wave goodbye to those extra pounds.

If you are not sleeping deeply at night, then it makes sense that your body gets tired and wants to shut down early in the evening. Further weight loss may help the problem. You also may be right about anxiety. I know during my depression episodes, I can sleep all night and wake up feeling like I need more sleep. I also have had times when I could function for a few hours and then I'd literally crash - no energy and could barely keep my eyes open. Hang in there! It's bound to get better. I think the idea of tape recording your sleep is a good one if you can do it.

Exercise can do amazing things to your body chemistry and stress level. I hope you can find a way to fit it into your routine on a regular basis. Maybe leaving it until later at night isn't such a good idea? Is there any way to fit it into your morning routine?

I hope you have a great day, A! The snowman contest sounds like a lot of fun!

Take good care of you! :sunny:

:hug:

Strings
01-28-2004, 08:55 AM
Woohoo! another pound gone. Good for you! I love the list of changes. I need to do something like that. Have fun at DD's school. It's great that you help out so much. Onederland here you come.
Beth

marsh0013
01-28-2004, 10:34 AM
yaaaay for another pound gone :bounce: . i'm sure you'll be seeing that .5 pounds whooooosh away real quick! you'll be into onederland next time, i'm sure of it! and great job with keeping a positive attitude, realizing that other things are changing, not just your weight ::yes::

A1A1
01-28-2004, 07:10 PM
Update for today: Wednesday, January 28


Snowman contest was cancelled at dd's school due to weather. Well, it is winter. I don't know what kind of weather would be appropriate for making a snowman if not winter.

I slept for a couple of hours today, and am feeling better tonight than I usually do at this time.

Ate on plan.

Breakfast --- three ham slices with three lf swiss slices rolled up with a little bit of that delicious eggplant chutney inside. Diet Rite.

Snack --- almonds/cheese stick

Lunch --- I slept through it, I think.

Snack --- ricotta cheese with Atkins vanilla syrup and crushed walnuts.

Dinner --- Kids meal from Boston Chicken--4 oz white turkey steamed veggies. I am still feeling hungry, so I need to have some water, maybe some tea, and maybe a little piece of sliced turkey.

I am so unmotivated to get on treadie. I have to do something about this situation. I will make a concerted effort to do it in the morning. By evening, I am purely miserable. I want nothing but sleep. I am going to brave the cold, and go out to my car to get the tape recorder. I hope it works. Borrowed. Nothing records anymore-----all these players just play CDs.

Castillo Mom
01-29-2004, 01:31 AM
A, I'm with you and not wanting to exercise in the evening, tooooo tired. Congratulations on losing that pound, woohoo! I've been wanting to thank you about the suggestion to park my car further away when I'm out. I've been doing that ever since you mentioned it and I appreciate the idea. An added plus is that I don't have to fight for the far away parking spaces!:D

A1A1
01-29-2004, 06:20 AM
The view is very nice here in Onederland!! Onederland!! Onederland!! Onederland!!


I got on the scale this morning. 200. That was good, because it was half pound lower than the previous day. "Well," I thought, "Let me just try again." 199.5! I thought maybe I should move the scale over a little just to make sure it wasn't a fluke. 199.5. Good. I thought now that I had better check a few more times to see if it would go up. Seven times later: 199.5! I think I will accept it now. It was a total of ten times with the scale in different locations in the bathroom.

Boy does this feel good. I have lost 15.5 pounds with the help of my WISH team. Thank you all. I have to thank you sincerely and from the bottom of my heart. WISH has made all the difference to me in how I approach my lifestyle and thinking about myself and the world.

I am now going to add my first clippie to my signature. :Pinkbounc

DoeWDW
01-29-2004, 07:17 AM
:jumping1: ONEDERLAND!!!! :jumping1:

A, that is such GREAT NEWS!! You seem so happy and excited!! I'm thrilled for you!!

All your hard work is paying off, girlfriend!! :jumping3:

I know what you mean about rechecking that scale.....just one more time.....just to make sure......can it REALLY be???

Find a way to pamper yourself - maybe paint your nails? Do something to mark this momentous occasion!

You go, girl!! It's all onward and downward from here! :sunny:

A1A1
01-29-2004, 08:04 AM
[sorry] I guess you can't delete posts anymore.

A1A1
01-29-2004, 08:05 AM
I posted this in a WISH friend's journal, but in re-reading it, I realized I was talking to myself. I needed to paste this post into my own journal so that I could read it in my own context. Hope that WISH friend doesn't mind.


Wow. This is jam packed with emotions and thoughts that many of us here on WISH have probably experienced to some degree so we all can relate.

I feel that I am driven and powered by guilt. As CastilloMom said, she has had people avoid her, "unfriend" her, and so have I but for different reasons. I lost friends when I gained weight. All of this guilt is such a burden. What I have to learn, and maybe others too, is to let other people have their issues without letting them affect me (us). Maybe we are the sensitive feelers, the wounded healers of the world, so we have carried ours and everybody elses emotions and problems in the form of extra weight.

Let's learn to lighten the load all the way around. Let's just try to evolve into the person we are to become in the end without the added weight of not only our mixed up emotions, but everone else's too.

My Mother suffered a very serious illness when she was young. She read a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking" in which she learned to use practical tools and tricks to change her mindset. For example, when a bad or negative thought came to her mind about her illness, she would say two words out loud, "click, click" and then consciously change her train of thought. She would have to do that many times throughout the day. Maybe this is something we could work on when the negativity and guilt start creeping up on us. "Click, click" and a reversal of negative thought to something wonderful and positive. It may sound simplistic, but it might work.

That being said, I do think it's extremely important to change the mind as the body changes. Perhaps that is why profound weight loss is slow. It takes time for our mind to catch up to the body. Journaling is the best thing I have done in a long time. I plan to conitnue this healing process through journaling. Also, I am determined to stop my all-or-nothing thinking. That just sets me up for failure. I am not sure if that is how you think as well, Lisa. It is a really bad habit, I have come to believe. Even after you reach your weight loss goal, there may be lots more work to do on the inside. There will be for most of us, I imagine. Like you said, it has been many years of being and acting like one person. We are learning to act like another person. A very wise person in my life said to me once, "Everyone has the right to change." We don't have to stay the same to suit others' expectations of us. We have the right to grow as people and to change as a result of our spiritual and emotional growth. You and I have that right. We are choosing to exercise it.

Keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself-----not for anyone else. Remember that. It's about you. So often, we put the needs and wants of others.....our children, spouses, co-workers, strangers......above our own. We stuff our feelings and fill our own needs with unneeded food. It's about you. My journey is about me. Doe said I was like a butterfly coming out of a cacoon, I think. You are too. You are evolving. No one, nothing is perfect. Give yourself a break, and don't expect perfection. Expect to do the best you can for yourself at that particular moment.

You have every right to give advice to others on this weight loss journey, because you have been there. You have been to the place so many of us have been. We share a common bond. We have gone a similar path. You have made changes in your life that may or may not be successful for other people who also want to make changes. You are a beautiful soul. You have a beautiful body that was a gift. You are just now learning to love it even more. Re-read the list you made of the things that have changed for you. Pick out one thing to look at in the mirror that you really like about yourself right now. Maybe it is your smile, maybe it is your left earlobe. I don't know.......but find things to love about yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Love yourself more than you ever have. I am using "you" but I am writing this for myself, too. I learn more about myself every time I post to others.

We genuinely care about you, L, and we will be kind and gentle and loving about the you that you are becoming on this journey of enlightenment.

I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful, and self-loving day........not a perfect day..........but a great day.

DoeWDW
01-29-2004, 08:29 AM
A, I did want to post one more thing. Please, please, please don't get discouraged if you go up and down a little on the scale. You've seen that beautiful onederland and you will continue to see it more and more, but if the scale goes back to 200 for a day or two, please hang in there and it will go back down.

Just don't want you to feel discouraged if the number wavers a bit. Maybe it won't for you - but it always does for me. :rolleyes:

So no matter what that silly scale does, you're on the right track! :sunny:

marsh0013
01-29-2004, 09:42 AM
hey a! congrats on onewonderland :jumping1:

i knew you could do it, and i know you will have no problem staying there, and keep is going down down down! keep up the great work! have a wonderful day today :sunny:

Strings
01-29-2004, 11:45 AM
:jumping1: ONEDERLAND :jumping1:
A, I'm so proud of you. You have worked so hard to lose that weight. You are doing an amazing job. You are an inspiration. Woohoo. What are you doing to celebrate?

I also wanted to thank you for your replies to my journal. Your continued support has helped me tremendously. Thank you.

:hug:
Beth

Sister, get youself a clippie.

marsh0013
01-30-2004, 08:58 AM
good morning A, i hope you have a wonderful day :sunny:

A1A1
01-30-2004, 05:03 PM
What a crazy day!!! I had to sub for a teacher first thing in the morning for an hour. Crazy morning before that. Waited outside for the bus for dd, and it never came. Had to drive her to school and get to my first assignment by 7:15 am. Conducted the rehearsal, then drove to my full day assignment at a different school.

Problems--------no time to eat breakfast or take meds. --------------------Forgot to bring lunch to work.

Got a small leftover salad with a scoop of tuna from the cafeteria at 10:00 am. Yucky wilted and brown lettuce. No choice though.

I had a few walnuts for a snack with water. Happened to have the walnuts in my car!

I was "starving" by the time I got home at 5:30 pm. Friday night has become pizza and movie night with dd. Here is where the big problem came in---------

I was so hungry that I ate the toppings off two slices of a small pizza without any regard for the sugar content in the sauce. Then, I ate almost all of my giant antipasto salad with two packets of Italian dressing. I noticed that the dressing had corn syrup in it. Also, 4g carbs (3g of them sugar) in each packet. I ate about 1.5 packets of this sugary dressing. This salad was huge. My stomach hurts from the amount of food in it. I feel awful.

DoeWDW
01-30-2004, 07:29 PM
A, you did the best you could given the circumstances. I think you did very well with all the obstacles put in your way!

Hang in there, because tomorrow is a new day. :sunny: This was just a little bump in the road. ::yes::

P.S. Had to edit the name - I've obviously been up too late tonight!!! :eek:

A1A1
01-30-2004, 09:00 PM
Craziest thing....I ran into an old boyfriend tonight. I actually started talking with his wife a few days ago without knowing who she was. We were both volunteering at dd's school. After a few puzzle pieces started fitting together, I said, "I think I know your husband."

I ran into her again tonight at a school function. She said that I should wait and say hello to her dh.
Ugh," I thought. "I was alot smaller then." I was so self conscious, but at least a little more confident with these fifteen pounds gone. I am always thinking that people that I run into are thinking, "Boy, she has packed on some weight." I hate that. I feel like all people see when they look at me is weight. Fat. I am so tired of being the heavy woman. I want to be normal, so that I don't stick out anymore. I don't want people to look at me and see weight. I want them to be able to look inside of me and see me.

Anyway, he was nice. Gave me a big hug. He still has a full head of hair! That akward moment is over. I don't know how much more "running into" him I want to do.

marsh0013
01-30-2004, 10:01 PM
aw A, i'm sorry you had an unpredictable morning, but you definitely made the best choices possible. and you have to treat yourself to the pizza (even if it's just the toppings) every now and again. so you had a little too much of the sauce. you will survive! :) i'm sorry it made you feel awful, maybe this will be a positive - like next time, you'll think about the afterward feeling and it'll stop you? i'm trying to help you see the positive :)

it's always awkward to run into old boyfriends. ick. i'm glad you survived that run-in, it'll definitely make things easier if you run into him (or her) again. and i totally understand what you're saying about feeling like everyone thinks you're fat. i just wanted to let you know that i feel like that too. even though i'm not technically "overweight", or any of that stuff. i'm still so self concious about it. i'm trying to work on that. but that's what this journey is about. it's about making yourself more comfortable with yourself, along with becoming healthier, of course. we all know that you are a wonderful person, inside and out! :)

hope you have a great day tomorrow :sunny:

A1A1
01-31-2004, 07:59 AM
It's finally Saturday........Slept in until 8:00! I long for those days when I could sleep in until 10:00.

Breakfast----two slices deli turkey, two slices of lf swiss cheese, two slices of lf salami, and a little eggplant chutney.




I definitely didn't drink enough water yesterday, so that is a goal for today. Drink more water!

I really want to get back in my bed, but I have to finish knitting a scarf that I am giving for a gift in a couple of days.

Strings
01-31-2004, 10:35 PM
A,

I'm sorry you had a rough day. You made good choices from what was on offer. I hope you had a wonderful Saturday with DD. Is Sunday weigh in? If so :wizard: pixie dust your way. I'll check with you tomorrow.
Beth

A1A1
02-01-2004, 08:26 AM
Well, Saturday is over, and it's probably a good thing. I got so close to going seriously off my plan. I wanted something crunchy and carby so badly. I had a dog biscuit in my hand for the dog. I truly almost took a bite. I wasn't thinking. It was an urge.







I did something for myself yesterday. I sang with the folk group at church. It's a loose group. You come when you can. I haven't been able to get there on a Saturday for about three months. Yesterday, I was determined to go. I made it to the rehearsal, and sang at the mass right after. It was such a release for my spirit. I had a blast, and felt revived afterward. I didn't go off my plan yesterday, and also didn't have anything to eat after church.

I had the cable tv turned on again today. Hope it doesn't turn me back into a junkie. I am so concerned about dd turning into a junkie, I am not going to even tell her that it's hooked up. She still thinks we can only watch movies.

It's 9:30, and we haven't eaten breakfast yet. I'll see what can be thrown together. I've kind of lost my desire for food.







Edit-----------

Breakfast - Three links of lf chicken sausage with mushrooms, spinach, and feta cheese. Decaf Coffee, and my favorite lc ketchup.

Going to visit dh today. I hope he is well, and that his hair isn't too long. That drives me crazy.

Strings
02-01-2004, 09:09 AM
A,

I'm so glad you took some time for yourself. The folk group at church sounds like fun. Are you going to do it on a regular basis?

Hmm, was it a low carb dog-biscuit? Hey if they are good enough for Mel Gibson... Just kidding. It would have been crunchy though. I'm proud of you for staying on plan.
Beth

septbride2002
02-01-2004, 09:18 AM
LOL at the Dog Biscuit! Next time you are craving something crunch here is what I do - Peanuts, Almonds, and Sunflower seeds seem to do the trick. Also I know that Pork Rinds are allowed on Atkins. I am going to have to try these one day but the thought of it sometimes makes my stomach queezy. Great job!

~Amanda

DoeWDW
02-01-2004, 10:33 AM
The idea of pork rinds make me queasy too! I haven't had the guts to try them! :scared1:

A, I sent you a PM yesterday, so check your private messages, OK?

I am envious of your folk group at church! I love to sing and would love to have a group like that to participate in - something more casual than the church choir. I think it's great that you went and that you felt it was uplifting to you - good for you!!! :Pinkbounc

You've been working so hard to stay on plan - I truly admire you for that! I sometimes get the WASA Fiber Rye crackers at the store and top them with tuna salad or chicken salad - makes for a nice crunch and still qualifies as a low carb meal. :D

Hope all goes well with your visit today. It must be so hard, but you are doing something so loving. Take the scissors along, in case DH needs a haircut! :D

Strings
02-01-2004, 01:34 PM
A,

I just read your edit. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today. Take care of yourself.
:hug:
Beth

A1A1
02-01-2004, 04:44 PM
Once again, I couldn't bring myself to see DH. I love him more than anything, but can't stand to see him in this condition. It is very difficult to go there, and have nothing to say. He doesn't speak, and rarely makes eye contact unless I get right in his face. It is tough. Sometimes, I just can't do it. I miss him every day all day long. I am sad every day all day long. I hate myself for not seeing him. It is a 40-45 minute drive to his home. I have vowed to go on Tuesday while dd is at school.

Anyway,,,,,, here is what I ate.

Breakfast posted above.
Snack - 7 almonds and water
Lunch--none
Snack - about 15 almonds
Dinner - very large antipasto salad. Contents of the salad: lettuce, tomato, garbanzo beans, salami, ham, pepperoni, cheese, black olives, green olives, artichokes, onions, two large shrimp, italian dressing.

I am stuffed, but am pretty sure I will have the ff fudgesicle later. I have such a sugar craving lately. Chocolate mostly.

I had one small, teeny, tiny bite of dd's cheese sub. I am not mad at myself. It was small, but I felt I needed to have it. I think it says in the SBD book that if you feel you really need to try something, then do it. I did. That one bite was enough. I am really missing bread lately, though. I think it might be time to move on to phase two of the diet now. It has been 2.5 weeks now. I thought I could go on for longer than that in phase one. I had previously done Atkins induction for 4 months and didn't have many problems.

I am working tomorrow. Half day. That's good. A few dollars.

I am going to try to catch up on journals tonight, but have to get going on that scarf....... :wave:


Doe-I pm'd back. Thanks.

DoeWDW
02-01-2004, 07:25 PM
A, if the situation were reversed and you were the one in that home, I bet you would understand your DH's feelings - how hard it would be for him to see you, even though he still loved you very much. Some days we feel strong and other days we feel more fragile and have to take things easier. When you're feeling strong, you'll be able to visit with him. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Did thinking about visiting DH have anything to do with your low food intake all day? You hardly ate anything and then had a huge salald. I've seen this pattern before in your journal and you usually say you don't feel well after eating a large meal. I just wanted to point it out to you so you could think about it, OK?

Hope you can enjoy your knitting this evening. Crocheting always seems to help me relax. Also best wishes for a good time at work tomorrow.

:hug: dear A,

Strings
02-01-2004, 09:26 PM
A,
I sent you a PM.
Beth

Castillo Mom
02-01-2004, 11:40 PM
A, I wish I had some miraculous words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you A.:hug:

CourtasanSatine
02-01-2004, 11:50 PM
just stopping by with a :hug:

marsh0013
02-02-2004, 08:55 AM
A, i'm so sorry that you are feeling down. but you shouldn't beat yourself up about not going to see dh. i know that it is very difficult and emotionally taxing for you, and you're not going to be up for it all the time. like doe said, you should go when you're feeling strong enough, but don't expect too much from yourself all the time. great big :hug:

as for the south beach diet adn moving on to phase 2, i don't really know how it works, but i think that it is probably a good idea. you seem to want to do it, so unless i'm totally wrong about how it works, i'd say go for it. 4 months on induction for atkins is amazing! i don't know how you survived that for so long! (well, actually, i do...you are an amazingly strong woman, that's how. we already knew this, but this is just another example.)

i hope you have a wondeful day today :sunny:

DoeWDW
02-02-2004, 01:15 PM
Thinking of you, A, and hoping today is going well. :sunny:

:hug:

Strings
02-02-2004, 05:42 PM
A,

I sent you a PM. I had to shorten it a little. They said it was too long. Me, wordy? Never.
Beth

A1A1
02-02-2004, 05:55 PM
Another yucky day. I am on a downward trend with my "dieting." I ate cake today. I had been dying for a piece of chocolate cake for a couple of days. I couldn't fight the urge any longer. I picked up dd from school and we went to get that piece of cake. I am a little upset---not just because of the cake, but because I have been overdoing everything. I have been eating nuts by the pound. Salad by the truckload. I have just been eating too much. I am not doing things right.

Only good thing, I guess, is that I only had one piece of cake. Previously, I would have bought the whole cake, and would have eaten half at one sitting. Just bought a piece, and had it with a cup of decaf. I got that out of my system, and don't have the desire anymore. I just hope I can get back on track. I am feeling a little sick now.

I am frustrated and losing motivation again. I want to keep going. I will keep going. Just wish this weight would come off more quickly. Cake won't help matters, though.


No more cake.



Breakfast ---- one link of lf chicken with spinach and feta sausage. lc ketchup. salad----lots---the antipasto from last night.

Snack ---- two tons of nuts.

Lunch ---- more antipasto salad and bacon.

snack --- probably more nuts, but I can't remember

Dinner ---- one piece of orange Floridian cake. decaf with cream


I have no motivation to walk on my treadie lately. Maybe tonight. Very worried that I won't be up to speed for the 1/2 marathon. Just counting on a major push when the weather turns more spring-like.

CourtasanSatine
02-03-2004, 02:43 AM
just wanted to stop by and give you a :hug:

DoeWDW
02-03-2004, 06:47 AM
I know yesterday was a struggle for you A. I hope you're feeling a little better today. Here's some extra sunshine, in case you need it, :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: .

Take good care of yourself today, OK? ::yes::

marsh0013
02-03-2004, 09:12 AM
A, i'm sorry you had anohter rough day. but i think you did the right thing with the cake. if it's something that you really wanted, it's a good thing that you decided to have it...and in moderation at that! you could have easily thrown caution to the wind and eaten half a cake like you said you would have done in the past. but you know what? you've become a different person. you are not that same person who would eat the half cake. that is such a positive step!

as for the half marathon - i am sure that this weather is not helping any of us! it's hard to be motivated when it's so nasty outside. we need that sun to brighten up our day (figuratively and literally). i'm sure that spring will bring a new sense of excitement to your training. and don't worry, we've got about 11 months. you're going to do excellent.

i hope you have a better day today. feel better :sunny:

Strings
02-03-2004, 09:18 AM
A,

We all need treats sometimes. Yes, you went off plan, but remember, you stopped at only one piece. Nuts are my downfall too. I just had to get rid of them. Take them to school. Let the other teachers eat them. They may be an allowed food, but I can;t control the portion. I put them on my not allowed list. In 6 months I may try to have them again.
:sunny: :hug: :wizard: all headed your way. I hope today is better.

Beth

CourtasanSatine
02-03-2004, 09:37 AM
treats keep us sane so don't feel guilty but feel good that you stopped at just a piece. :hug: and :sunny:

A1A1
02-03-2004, 12:10 PM
Breakfast ---- one scrambled egg, three slices bacon, water

Lunch --- bacon, cheese, lettuce, ranch salad dressing, diet rite orange soda.






I have a crack in my foundation that is allowing water to leak into my basement. I am so scared that I will have a huge repair bill. Also, the cabinets on one wall of my kitchen are pulling away from the wall. That is not good. My house is only 5 years old. It was built on an old creek bed. I am very concerned that the ground is shifting rapidly under the house. I see dollar signs. Many of them. Anyway, I got my exercise in today. It is pouring rain, which is melting the three feet of snow out there. Because of the leak in the basement, I went out to shovel a path to the crack to try to make a trench away from the house there. I am soaked, cold, muddy and sore. I dug a trench into the lawn----read "mud".


DD has tennis club today. I am glad these options are available to her at 6 yo. After these few weeks of tennis, she starts bowling. What fun for her. Glad she has a chance to socialize with other kids. I kept her pretty much sheltered until this year.

I WISH I could:

1. Reduce my portion sizes.
2. Stop eating nuts (Thanks Strings. I am going to keep the nuts out of the cupboard. No more of them for me, because I can't just eat a few.)
3. Exercise more regularly.
4. Take my medication at the same time every day.
5. Get the fire again. I have lost sight of the goal, and of my ability to actually get to the goal again.





Edit-----Edit---------Edit--------Edit--------7:17 pm

I have serious portion issues. I ate four full sized meals today. What is with me?

I had the two meals listed above, then I ate:
Lunch [again(?)] ----- I was reading ZerasPride's journal, and the mock pancakes sounded so good. I made them. They were good. I used 3 egg whites, one whole egg, about 1/3 cup ricotta cheese and cinnamon. Also vanilla. I certainly don't think of three egg whites and one whole egg with a ricotta cheese chaser as a "snack". I don't know what you call it. Anyway, I ate that.

Dinner ----- two chicken sausage patties with iceburg lettuce. Water.

I am very full. The sausage was Italian style, and the patties were on the large side.

I haven't had a single nut today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a big triumph.

Going to go upstairs to bed now. Glad to reconnect with my WISH friends. I will post to journals tomorrow.
Bye friends! Goodnight. Thank you for visiting me in my journal...

ZerasPride
02-03-2004, 03:05 PM
Hi A,

I'm stopping by to check on you my friend. I'm sorry I haven't been around too much lately. I was hoping to find you at a happy place so I am disheartened to hear that all things are not going well for you. You are such a special person and deserve some happiness, peace and success.

I hope you don't have a large repair bill. Owning a home can be a pain in the booty sometimes. I see that you did exercise today, despite everything that is going on around you.

I know you will get that fire back. Even if it's just setting small goals. I try not to look at the big picture sometimes. It can be overwhelming. Sometimes just taking it one day, one hour, one minute, if need be will help get you through because those minutes, hours and days add up over time and can spell success without us being aware we have put all the effort required into making it so.

Please know that you have support here with us. Big hugs from me to you!

Strings
02-03-2004, 03:16 PM
A,

I am so proud of you. Remember yesterday? You went off program. You were so down on yourself for it. Guess what? You got up, dusted yourself off, and got right back on program. You also exercised today. Bye-bye cake calories. As heavy as the snow is currently, you got a major workout.

I hope things work out with the house. We had some major repairs recently. It can be stressful.

I hope you have a good afternoon. Will you get a chance to do some knitting? That seems to relax you. I'll check in on you later.
Beth

A1A1
02-04-2004, 07:10 AM
Today is official weigh-in day. I weighed in, but the scale did not cooperate. It said 201, which is 1.5 pounds above last week. It's okay. I have to keep in mind the eating habits I had three and half months ago---pizza three times per week, fast food burgers and fries, donuts. I was a mess. I am much healthier now. I did measurements today also. My waist is about five inches smaller. I did my initial measurements 1.5 months after I started my healthy eating, so I can't be certain. It could be more than 5 inches. My hips, thights, and bicep are also smaller. I can see shoulder bones too! My face looks thinner. I am happy with what I see. I wish the scale would cooperate a little more, though.

I am adding a little of the approved carbs back into my diet.

Breakfast ----- I ate a turkey sandwich this morning with lc bread. Very good. Needed that. Diet rite orange soda.

Lunch ----- I am going to bring the left over chicken sausage patties for lunch to dd's school. I am volunteering today.

Dinner --- don't know yet.

I hope everyone has a good day.

lulu201
02-04-2004, 07:16 AM
Hi, A--just stopped by to say hi and give you a :hug: . It sounds like you had a rough time with that cake, but you :moped: motored right past that indulgence (and don't we all need them from time to time?) and have yourself going in the right direction again. After all, didn't I hear you were nutless yesterday?!!:p
Way to treat yourself right, A!:teeth:

:sunny: Have a sunny Wednesday!:sunny:

Erin

DoeWDW
02-04-2004, 07:49 AM
Dear A, please take extra good care of yourself while I'm away, OK?? I'll be thinking of you and hoping for sunny times!

You have come so far in the past months! You are shrinking!! Look at those inches just melting away - WOW!! You are loving yourself by feeding your body healthy food on a regular basis. You're creating healthy eating habits that will help you to be there for your darling daughter for many years to come. You're also showing her by example how to live healthy for her lifetime. I know that the day-to-day grind of trying to create these healthy habits is tough! We all fall short from time to time. However, if you look at the big picture, you've come so far and you should be so proud of how well you've done!! ::yes::

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! :happy1:

:hug:

marsh0013
02-04-2004, 09:41 AM
A, i'm sorry that the scale didn't move in the right direction. but those measurements sound so great! and you are doing the right thing by focusing on the positives.

that stuff with your house sounds like a big pain in the behind. but you did a great job by taking it and turning it into another positive (getting exercise in).

keep up that positive attitude, it suits you :smooth:

hope you have a great day :sunny:

Strings
02-04-2004, 09:52 PM
Hi A,

I'm just checking in on you. You're im my thoughts and prayers.
:hug:
Beth

CourtasanSatine
02-04-2004, 10:37 PM
just stopping by with a :hug:

septbride2002
02-05-2004, 08:16 AM
Hi A,
You are beating yourself up way to much!::yes:: Knock it off! ;) You do have the right to treat yourself now and then - cake isn't that bad - plus you went right back to being on program. Eating 4 big meals in one day isn't that bad. Especially if your snacking is down. Lots of dieticians say to eat 6 small to medium size meals a day - so to me you are doing fine. I'm sorry the scale isn't cooperating but your inches look fabulous.

Finding motivation - here is what I do and some things work better then others depending on me. If you own the SBD book go back and re read it. I find that re reading my Protein Power book reminds me of the desire to do the program plus helps me to keep things simple with my meal plans. Read Success Stories either here on another website - they help me to see that if other people can do it so can I! Take a few minutes 15 should do it and look at your closet full of clothes check out the items you don't want to wear ever again and items you are wanting to wear again but need to lose the pounds to get there. Exercise - pop in a tape even if it is old and do the tape. I know that Lifetime and the Discovery Healthy network has exercise programs on during the morning and day - set the VCR up to tape one and do it when you get home.

This winter is definately taking the wind out of our sails walking wise but once it starts to get warmer we will all be out walking the walk with you!

~Amanda

Strings
02-05-2004, 08:34 AM
Hi A,

I'm just stopping in with a :hug: :wizard: and :sunny: for your day. I hope it is a good one. Check in when you get a chance.

:sunny: :crazy: :sunny:
Beth

CourtasanSatine
02-05-2004, 08:50 AM
:hug:,:wizard: and a :sunny: for you today

A1A1
02-05-2004, 11:24 AM
Thank you all for your kind words.

I had a really different morning today. After a major binge last night, I am back with the plan today. My daughter started with the tennis club at her school last week. She is having so much fun learning a new sport, I thought maybe I would enjoy it too.

I went today for a free class with two other ladies who had been playing. They were pretty good for beginners. I was not so good, but not so bad. I was breathing pretty hard, and my heart was truly beating fast. It was a good workout, and fun too. Better than walking on my treadmill by myself. I didn't have the cute little tennis outfit like the other two ladies did, but I didn't care. My outfit would have worked out better had I noticed that my zipper on my shorts was down a little sooner than the last ten minutes. How embarrassing! Anyway, I feel good. I am going to take a private lesson or two next week and then go back to the class.

What I ate today:

Breakfast----2 slices low carb bread, Plainville turkey, mayo

Lunch ---- bacon, rotisserie chicken, low fat pepper cheese. Diet Rite orange soda.

Will probably have shrimp for dinner. DD loves it. :earsgirl:


Update------update-------update---------update---------------- 7:30 pm

Well, we didn't have shrimp for dinner. I didn't have any snacks today, either. Don't know whether that is good or bad.

Dinner ----- one and a half chicken italian sausage patties, raw sugar snap peas (my favorite) lite ranch dressing, and lots of water.

Dessert ------- one no sugar added fudgesicle.

I feel good today. So glad I had the tennis lesson today. Made me feel like I was not a blob. Nice to do a little exercise with other people, too.

A1A1
02-06-2004, 07:42 AM
Friday, January 6------



I have had a very difficult time at night. All of a sudden I feel overcome with hunger. Of course, it is not really hunger. I don't know what happens, except to say that I end up in a frenzy in the kitchen. I need to fix this problem. I will be going to bed earlier in an effort to stop this newest, unhealthy habit.


Here's what I ate so far today:
Breakfast - Turkey sandwich on low carb bread. Diet Rite grap soda.

Snack - 9 whole almonds.


Update ------ Update ---------- Update ---------- 10:40 pm

Lunch - Bob Evans restaurant - the Protein Plus entree: three scrambled eggs, three sausage links, and three slices of bacon. Salad with ranch. Water.

Dinner - 3 low fat Chicken with musroom and red pepper sausage links. Sugar snap peas, lite ranch. Diet Rite soda.


Snack - no sugar added fudgesicle.


I am so sore right now, but that is a good thing. I went to a tennis lesson tonight. There were three really skinny girls, me, and three men. The three stick-like figures were about my age, maybe a few years younger. I felt so self-conscious. They were nice enough, but I couldn't help but feel out of place. I really need to keep going with this lifestyle change, because I am tired of feeling out of place. This is my world as much as it is theirs. I was about the worst in the class, but that was okay. I got better by the end. I am just proud of myself for doing it. They had pizza afterward, but I didn't have any. Good move on my part.

Very tired from the tennis class. Going to bed. I have to give a little presentation tomorrow morning, but I haven't yet written what I am going to say. Yikes!!!!!!

marsh0013
02-06-2004, 01:00 PM
A, i totally understand about the nighttime eating! actually, sharon totally understands as well. because we know we have this problem, we make a rule with ourselves to cut off our eating at a particular time. hers is 7pm, mine is 9pm. after 9pm, i'm only allowed to eat sf jello w/ff cool whip. so far, it has helped to stop me from grazing. i know it's more of a mental problem than an actual hunger/food problem, so the cut off helps me get past it. i do not roll over my cheat free bear if i eat after 9 (even if i stay within my points), so that is a major motivating factor for me. just a suggestion, don't know if it would help you or not.

hope the rest of your day went well! :sunny:

CourtasanSatine
02-06-2004, 02:45 PM
I know how nighttime eating goes too,but you could also try for only a certain snack after a time frame

Strings
02-07-2004, 09:34 AM
Hi A,

I'm just checking on you before I'm off to bed. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've had a stressful week. I know you'll figure out what to do about PM eating. I think the tennis lessons are a great idea. It's fun, it's exercise, and it's social. Good for you to try something new. That takes guts. I'm proud of you. Have a good weekend.
:hug: :wizard: :sunny:
Beth

lulu201
02-07-2004, 12:20 PM
Hi, A. Just stopping by to say hi and give you a :hug: . I'm so proud of you--taking tennis lessons! What a great thing to do for yourself! What a brave thing, too! It's hard for me to try new things--I'm kind of shy :blush: , so it takes me a long time to get up the nerve to do stuff sometimes. I respect your willingness to get out there and give it a try. I think it's a big step. It's also great for your DD to see you risking and trying something new, too. Way to go, A. :Pinkbounc

Yeah, that whole eating at night thing can be so dangerous. I can do some serious damage if I'm not careful. I'm learning to assess when I'm particularly vulnerable--like days when I'm tired and stressed--and then I just stay out of the kitchen after dinner all together. For example, the other night--I think it was Thursday--I told DH that I couldn't go downstairs to let the dog out because I'd have to go into the kitchen to open the back door. He was a dear and let the dog out (I usually do the p.m. routine), and I just got into bed and covered up my head! There are other times when I think I WANT to eat--seriously, I say, "I don't really care at all, I just want to EAT MY WAY THROUGH THE HOUSE!!!!!!" But with that, I'm learning to think my way through to other side of the behavior first; I TRY to stop and think, "OK, this is what I want now, and I do TRULY want this now, but will I be happy with it tomorrow morning or when I step on the scale on Monday morning?" SOMETIMES that helps me to stop my compulsive eating. Sometimes I don't succeed in stopping, but I just keep trying. You keep trying to, A. You'll find your way.

One thing that struck me was what you said about your tennis lessons--how out of place you felt with those skinny ladies around. I know that feeling so well. Just keep doing what you're doing, A, keep walking the healthy living walk, and you'll get to that place you want to be. It can happen, I know it can.

A, we're all just works in progress. You are doing so much for yourself. . .please stop to look at how far you've come. Thank you for all the support you give me and for walking with me along this journey.

:hug: ,
Erin

CourtasanSatine
02-07-2004, 02:49 PM
:hug: for you

A1A1
02-08-2004, 07:44 PM
Yesterday was a crazy day. I had a "carb fest" of pizza and diet coke with caffeine. I had the leftover pizza later on that day. I have completely lost my mojo. I still desire the weight loss, but have seen such slow results that I am just losing my momentum. I am feeling hungry all the time. I crave chocolate and pizza.

I slept almost all day today. Got up at 7:30 pm. Not quite sure if that is related to yesterday's indescretions. I am still vulnerable today, even though I ate on plan today.

Today's food:

breakfast----no sugar added fudgesicle
lunch-----Two chicken, mushroom sausage links with spinach.
dinner-----Lettuce with one tune pouch and mayo.


I am feeling hungry right now. It is 8:45. I hope I can hold off until tomorrow.

ZerasPride
02-08-2004, 08:46 PM
Hi A!

{{{{hugs}}}}} to you. I am so sorry you feel like you are losing your motivation. Changing our eating habits can be so hard sometimes. I know that I can have a difficult time eating at night. That's one reason I like to end the day with at least 1 if not 2 bottles of water and chew on my trusty Trident sugarless gum. Something else I do at night when I know I shouldn't eat anymore for the evening is to concentrate on my yummy breakfast the next morning. I will sometimes have eggs with cheese, bacon or sausage and toast with grape spread. It doesn't sound like from your menus you posted you have very many indulgent breakfasts. It may be something you want to consider. I'm just offering suggestions to help you.

I think you are doing so well with adding exercise into your routine. You can do it. You really can. Even with slow results. I was a bit bummed that I only lost 1 pound this week and I try to be so good that I feel at least 2 pounds if not more should come off in a week but I guess we can't make our bodies do what they the are not ready to do. Please take care of yourself, okay?

A1A1
02-08-2004, 10:03 PM
Thanks Lisa. You are terrific. I appreciate all of your suggestions. I will try that breakfast idea.

My night got even worse, and included garlic bread. Lots of it.

I am tired of being a failure, and I think I am setting myself up to fail once again. I never believe that I deserve things, so I sabotage my own efforts. I have to start looking at pictures of when I was thinner, so that I will be able to visualize the possibility.

I hope tomorrow will be better. When I was on a more regular routine, my eating habits were much better. My unusual and ever-changing schedule makes all of this dieting difficult.

CourtasanSatine
02-08-2004, 10:54 PM
:hug: looks like you need one

Strings
02-08-2004, 11:01 PM
A,

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough weekend. I just looked at your post about your menu for today. A, you need to eat more food. ou need enough calories to fuel your body through the day. That may be why you are hungry tonight. Run your menus for the next few days through Fitday. You can do this A. You have come so far. I have faith in you.

Repeat after me, I will have a great Monday.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Beth

marsh0013
02-09-2004, 09:05 AM
A, i hope you are feeling better today :hug: . i know this is hard, especially when you're not seeing the results that you expect. but this "diet" is not a miracle weight loss tool. it is going to go slow. and that will make it possible to maintain. it is so hard to stay on track also when your schedule is disrupted. the best you can do is set out a plan for yourself and do your best to stick with it. and like the others said, do make sure you are eating *enough*! not eating enough can slow down your weight loss as well, as crazy as it sounds.

A, here's a great big :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: . you are so strong, i know you can do this. i hope that your monday is much better than your weekend was :sunny:

Strings
02-09-2004, 09:20 AM
Just checking in to wish you a happy Monday. Are you teaching today? Here's a :hug: :wizard: for today.

:sunny:
Beth

A1A1
02-09-2004, 12:57 PM
Hey all! Thanks for the support. I hope to get to everyone's journals tonight. Thanks for keeping up with me.....

Today has been a better day. I have eaten pretty big meals, but of the right foods.

Breakfast ---- scrambled eggs, lite breakfast sausage links. Water.

Snack ---- none

Lunch ----- dark lettuce/spinach with tuna and mayo on top. Water. 9 whole almonds.


Had a one hour private tennis lesson this morning. I feel great! My teacher is so nice.



update--------update------------update--------update----------6:15pm


Dinner ------ raw spinach with ranch dressing. about 6-7 oz of sirloin burger. Water.


I am having a much better day. I realized that I haven't taken my medicine for at least a week. I ran out, and haven't gone to pick up my refill. I am going tonight. Maybe that is affecting things.

Strings
02-09-2004, 02:08 PM
I'm glad your Monday is going well. It is awesome that you found a form of exercise you enjoy. Great food choices today. Take care.
Beth

Castillo Mom
02-09-2004, 03:19 PM
Hello A! I'm sorry you had a difficult weekend, but it looks like you've been able to bounce back today. I can really relate to your situation and it can get discouraging when you don't see the scale move. We just have to remember that it took time to put this weight and and it'll take time to take it off. Take care A, and keep up the good work.:D

marsh0013
02-10-2004, 08:07 AM
A, i'm so glad you are feeling better! i bet those missing meds are having an affect on you too. glad you realized that you had run out, and hopefully refilling them and getting back on them will help you feel better as well. great job with the food yesterday! larger portions of legal foods, sounds good to me :). and that tennis sounds like a blast, i'm glad you're enjoying it!

hope today is another great day for you :sunny:

DoeWDW
02-10-2004, 02:52 PM
Your tennis lessons sound so cool!! You and DD can play together! Great to hear that you're being brave and trying new things!! Liking your exercise is really important and makes it so much easier to keep moving.

Hang in there, girlfriend!! :sunny:

A1A1
02-10-2004, 08:02 PM
I am going to take a break from WISH until I can get it together. Good luck to my WISH buds, and I hope to be back here soon.

Strings
02-10-2004, 08:27 PM
Hey A,

Do what you need to do. Take the time you need. You've have a lot on your plate right now. We'll be here when you are ready to come back. Remember 2 things. You are a strong woman, and we care about you.

Take Care of Yourself.
Beth:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: