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View Full Version : HELP! Toxic Mom on her way to my house!


tlgoblue
03-05-2003, 08:07 AM
Need all the help I can get. My mom is arriving tomorrow! Last time she visited, she railed on me incessantly about how I really need to take better care of my house! (Despite the fact that it is totally clean, though well lived in! It can be messy, but NEVER dirty.) Also, repeats past mistakes by telling DD10, that "It's just too bad you're built like me. You'll never have a Movie Star/Super Model body. Better watch your weight now, before you wind up looking like me!" Poison! Not to mention the fact that there isn't enough alcohol on the planet to numb the pain. (No, I'm not going there!) She also does generous things like brings home sacks of Mc Donalds, or Sliders! I was hoping she'd avoid my house, in favor of my sister's, who just had a baby girl!:Pinkbounc Grace Elizabeth, arrived at 12:09 p.m. yesterday, and is perfect, according to mom and dad. I won't get to see her until Sunday, when I drop my mom off on her doorstep! How do I keep the peace without letting her sabbotage our steadily improving healthy lifestyle? Or am I being immature?:confused:

Keeping the Faith!
Tracy

FergieTCat
03-05-2003, 09:09 AM
You've been bugging my phone, right??

Thankfully, my mother lives in Florida. A few years ago, she visited and said something about my lack-of-housekeeping. I told her, in no uncertain terms (which was a first for me) that if she didn't like my home, she was free not to visit again. She got the message and doesn't mention it anymore. She has visited since then, and has kept her comments to herself.

We constantly argue when I visit her. I really try not to, but the last time she said something (can't remember what), that got me so mad, I saw colors. She knew she stepped over the line and backed off.

As it were, I'm visiting her in Florida in 3 weeks and am beginning to get stomach pains. On the phone 2 nights ago, I was telling my mother how well I was doing with WW, and she said something to the effect of "It's good you're losing weight, now WE have to keep it off." I'm still upset by that comment, because it makes me feel disempowered about doing anything about my weight. When do I get to be treated like a grown up?

Here's something I heard the other week -- Parents know how to press our buttons because they installed them.

I know your pain. And I feel better now that I've vented ...

tlgoblue
03-05-2003, 09:38 AM
Parents know how to press our buttons because they installed them.

LOL! Never thought of that! How very true, and funny.

Thanks for the empathy. I feel like I've already got my claws out. Just finished cleaning the room she will be staying in, not that it needed it, but it didn't have that "just cleaned" smell to it. (NOBODY ever uses it. I keep it as a guest room, complete with antique furnishings handed down to me by my Mom's Mom. My family knows that's for no one but company.) I'm cursing as I clean, feeling 12 again! Have to live up to Mommy's standards. I will take your advice about her remarks. I have gotten better at it through the years. My poor family is suffering because of it. They know it's wearing me down already. Well, best get to the BATHROOMS! Thanks for letting me vent, too.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

TigH
03-05-2003, 02:18 PM
Tracy, you have my sympathy!!!!!

You just keep your head on straight and do keep living your healthy lifestyle. She can bring 50 sacks of McDonald's in and they can all go rotten. You are under NO OBLIGATION to put anything in your body that you don't want!!!!!! :) :) :)

My house is clean, but cluttered. I need to visit the flylady site and get organized, but it really doesn't bother me. It drives my mom bonkers, she is so compulsive about clutter. But it's my house and when she's visiting she has to learn to ignore it.

Sending you boat loads of pixie dust and happy thoughts to get through this!!! I've learned over the last few years that I can really panic or freak out or worry about a situation or I can relax and try to ride it out. If you have the time, try to list some things about yourself and your mom that you appreciate. Especially if she starts coming down on you. I notice that when I choose to think about my mother's "flaws" they are ever present in my experience. When I think about what I love about her, that is part of my experience.

If your mother does spout those poisoning words to your DD, just take your DD aside later and tell her gently that nothing is set in stone and that your mom is just unhappy with how SHE looks. Give her lots of hugs and praise and tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her.

Congratulations on your new niece! If your mother starts a conversation that you don't like, try to change the subject! If she keeps on spewing, develop a strong urge to go to the bathroom and leave the room! :)

Good luck! Stay healthy!!!!!! You have to live your life to please yourself, not anyone else!

TigH
03-05-2003, 02:33 PM
Donna,

I know what you mean about that comment that your mother made!!!!! As far as I can remember, any time I have told my mother something that SHOULD illicit praise or a supportive comment, she has shot me down.

Now I just blow that type of stuff off! It's not always easy though, because I would love for her to be supportive just for once. And it's not like you can talk to her about it because they just don't see it that way.

Anyway, here is something you can try. Any time someone says something to you that doesn't make you feel good or you have a thought about yourself that doesn't feel good, take a deep breath and TELL YOURSELF that you are not going to put up with it! Your life is too important to let those types of comments/thoughts bring you down. Make a promise to yourself that UNLESS it makes you feel happy and tingly and really good about yourself, you won't think about it! I was just out hanging the laundry and I had a really good response for you but it must have blown out of my head with the breeze! :)

It's only a disempowering comment if you continue to let it be. Someone told me about 5 or 6 years ago that my mother would never change. She will always be the same woman and I will NEVER have that magical mother/daughter relationship. So I could pine away for it forever or just get on with my life. I haven't disowned her, we still see each other often and I can enjoy her company, but she doesn't have that power over me anymore. Her opinion of me doesn't matter. My opinion of me does!

Hang in there! You have done a great job!!!!!!!! Keep it up!!!

FergieTCat
03-06-2003, 10:05 AM
Karen --


Thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

You're right. If she's not going to change, I'm going to have to learn to change my response. Or at least keep my blood pressure at a steady level!

nativetxn
03-06-2003, 11:04 AM
{{{HUGS}}} Tracy, be flexible. Smile a lot and just try to ignore any negatives.

My mother lives with me and she is too ill with stomach cancer and chemo and radiation to say anything negative to me or anything positive either :( So, don't forget to {{{HUG}}} your mom too....you know she loves you.

You're going to be fine, sweetie. We're here if you need to vent, we're always here for you.

Katholyn

ahutton
03-06-2003, 08:43 PM
I've always had people around who did the "if you only lost 20 pounds you would be pretty" and that included when I was a size 8 (consistently). Now I dream of the day getting back to that. I suggest you talk to your daughter before Grandma comes and talk about how sometimes people who love you say things that can seem hurtful but are not meant that way. It can be a good time to talk about a lesson that will have impact throughout her life.

If you know she is likely to bring unhealthful food into the house I would try to "balance" it by maybe having the burger, but pull out a ready made salad to serve with it. I'm really trying, especially with 2 kids and a DH who really does not have weight to loose, to make a lifestyle change and recognize that sometimes dinner will include McDonalds burgers too. But when I do I make sure I still eat veggies, salad or something else, and perhaps fruit as a dessert.