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View Full Version : Urgent help and need advice please!


amacspad
08-21-2012, 01:46 AM
Well I feel absolutely sick to the stomach, found out last night that my 16 dd has been seeing and practically living with a 51 year old man she works with, since she left school she had (or so I thought) been staying at her friends, one of her actual friends came round (reluctantantly but thought we should know) to let us know what's been going on, I phoned her too come home last night and tried to delicately sort it out as the last thing I want to do is make things worse and lose her altogether, she stayed home and is in bed, I haven't ate or hardly slept, I managed to message this guy last night telling him how disgusted and sickened I feel, he has split up from his wife and kids a d got a new place, please please can anybody advise me what to do here, I'm sure I can't legally stop her but there is no way I want to let her go back to this creep :(

mandymouse
08-21-2012, 01:55 AM
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you are both able to sit down and talk this through later and that she decides to stay at home

Good luck

disneychic2
08-21-2012, 01:58 AM
Well I feel absolutely sick to the stomach, found out last night that my 16 dd has been seeing and practically living with a 51 year old man she works with, since she left school she had (or so I thought) been staying at her friends, one of her actual friends came round (reluctantantly but thought we should know) to let us know what's been going on, I phoned her too come home last night and tried to delicately sort it out as the last thing I want to do is make things worse and lose her altogether, she stayed home and is in bed, I haven't ate or hardly slept, I managed to message this guy last night telling him how disgusted and sickened I feel, he has split up from his wife and kids a d got a new place, please please can anybody advise me what to do here, I'm sure I can't legally stop her but there is no way I want to let her go back to this creep :(

Oh how awful! You poor thing! What an absolute parent nightmare! I don't know what the laws in the UK are, but in the US that is called statutory rape and the guy would be thrown into jail. It is completely against the law here, and I would imagine it is there as well. As for what you can do, can you find out what the attraction for you DD is for this older man? Maybe another delicate talk to find more about where her head is. Obviously her friends are concerned for her as well, so maybe one of them could talk to her. Sometimes they'll listen to their friends when they won't listen to anyone else. I pray this turns out well for all of you! (I hope you don't mind me jumping on the UK forum...it just broke my heart to hear your pleas and feel your despair through your words.)

amacspad
08-21-2012, 02:04 AM
Thank you both, any advice is truly appreciated, I rang the non emergeny police for advice and the lady I spoke to doesn't seem to think there is much I can do as she is over 16 unless we think he is "grooming" her! I just feel so sick and upset at the thought of him even touching her, half of me is so angry but know we can't do anything stupid but I am lying here with my eyes filling up just not knowing what to do, she is such a kind caring girl too I just don't get it!

catherine
08-21-2012, 04:44 AM
I am so sorry that you're going through all this. We had several issues with one of our DDs when she was 16, she basically wanted to move out but just to live with her friend (and she did for a while) I looked into what we could do and basically there is nothing that can be done, once a child turns 16 they can pretty much come and go as they please!! :scared1: It takes a lot of patience and communication. At least your DD has come home and not stuck her heels in and stayed there, so that's a positive. You say that they work together, I wonder how the co. that they work for would feel about this! Has you DD said anything to you about the situation? It may not be as bad as you fear! Good luck to you and your family! :goodvibes

amacspad
08-21-2012, 04:50 AM
I am so sorry that you're going through all this. We had several issues with one of our DDs when she was 16, she basically wanted to move out but just to live with her friend (and she did for a while) I looked into what we could do and basically there is nothing that can be done, once a child turns 16 they can pretty much come and go as they please!! :scared1: It takes a lot of patience and communication. At least your DD has come home and not stuck her heels in and stayed there, so that's a positive. You say that they work together, I wonder how the co. that they work for would feel about this! Has you DD said anything to you about the situation? It may not be as bad as you fear! Good luck to you and your family! :goodvibes

Thank you for your kind reply, I've tried ringing the police, social services etc, most of which saying not a lot they can do, I messaged this guy asking how it would feel if it was his kids and to leave her alone but he replied saying doesn't matter what we do or say he isn't going anywhere! :mad: my next step was to ring her place of work but am worried about her losing her job, plus would I ring the branch or head office? :confused3

Debs x

Chilly
08-21-2012, 05:21 AM
Does her work have a policy of no co-worker relationships? Is he her boss or superior? I don't think his work will look too kindly on it.

amacspad
08-21-2012, 05:27 AM
Does her work have a policy of no co-worker relationships? Is he her boss or superior? I don't think his work will look too kindly on it.

Hi, the police asked if he was a superior but he isn't, just a co worker, feel so helpless, can't stop thinking of him touching her and keep getting upset, the most you fear with aa teenage daughter is them getting pregnant but this is worse, who knows what kind of hold he's got on her, it's really scary :(

Chilly
08-21-2012, 05:52 AM
I think the fact she came home when you asked is a big positive and I think you should focus on that for now and trying to talk to her before going to her workplace.

amacspad
08-21-2012, 06:05 AM
I think the fact she came home when you asked is a big positive and I think you should focus on that for now and trying to talk to her before going to her workplace.

I agree, trouble is she is home now and I am scared of letting her go again, she still doesn't think there's anything wrong! We are (me & dh) are sat downstairs in silence and bec is up in her room, we have said everything there is to say, just don't know what to do now :confused3

Debs x

jen_uk
08-21-2012, 08:52 AM
A 51 year old with a 16 year old screams of grooming to me! I would push the police as hard as possible to get them to investigate this as who knows who else he is talking to either in person or online. As for your daughter its a great sign that she came home, she must still respect your opinion. Does she go to college, if so could you involve them? The school where I teach is brilliant with these sorts of situations and do everything they can to help. I don't have kids but if this were my daughter I would want to get her as far away from him as possible in the hope that distance might open her eyes. Is there anywhere you could send her, friends or family that live away from you? If it came to it could you take her away on holiday so that you would have her undivided attention to talk to her and hopefully make her see sense? I hope it all works out for you :grouphug:

tinkertaylor05
08-21-2012, 09:07 AM
Hi Debs,

I don't know you and can only imagine how you're feeling right now. 100% you are doing the right thing, keep calm with your daughter and try not to show any judgement.

When was she 16 and is there any way she knew the man before she turned 16?

I am going to pm you a phone number that may offer advice but unfortunately our laws aren't very helpful with this.

:hug:

amacspad
08-21-2012, 09:30 AM
Thank you both, tried to have another little chat with her and she is adamant she wants to "set up home" with him, I ended up getting a bit angry, just couldn't help it, I have spoke to a councillor through work and waiting for social services to get back, she isn't in college, was due to go to a good one in sept but is dropping out, I'm gutted, there isn't anywhere she can go, we are all due to go away at the end of oct but that's a while away yet, it's killing me inside, I messaged him to say how would he feel if it was one if his kids and to back off and this was his reply!

I know now you probably hate me you may even try to scare me away by sending someone to work or round to my house to beat me up or something but none of that will change how I feel I an not running away

amacspad
08-21-2012, 10:03 AM
Hi Debs,

I don't know you and can only imagine how you're feeling right now. 100% you are doing the right thing, keep calm with your daughter and try not to show any judgement.

When was she 16 and is there any way she knew the man before she turned 16?

I am going to pm you a phone number that may offer advice but unfortunately our laws aren't very helpful with this.

:hug:



Thank you for this, I gave them a ring, really helpful, they are going to run checks on him!

Debs x

tinkertaylor05
08-21-2012, 10:15 AM
Thank you for this, I gave them a ring, really helpful, they are going to run checks on him!

Debs x

Glad they listened, if there's anything to be done they'll do it. If it comes back they can't help, tell them how desperate you are for support and ask if there's anything at all they can offer you even if it's just mediation.

Seriously if there's anything I can do or you want to sound off pm me x

amacspad
08-21-2012, 10:22 AM
Aww, you are all brill, thank you, will let you know how we go on

Debs x

T1gger
08-21-2012, 12:19 PM
My heart goes out to you Debs - I have no idea what I would do in your situation. It is really difficult as technically she is an adult and anything you try to do to keep them apart could push them together or make her more determined.
It is good that she has come home and hopefully you guys can keep communications open and talk about things and maybe come to some compromises in the meantime so she doesn't feel the need to do anything drastic like moving back in with him!
Is there anyway she will rethink college? Is she dropping out because of this guy? If so you can use the "if he really cared about you he would support you in what you want to do" argument. I guess I am thinking that maybe if she went to college and was around new people then he might not be quite as attractive to her?

Let us know how things go x

eeyorefanuk
08-21-2012, 12:28 PM
I hope you manage to sort it

X x

amacspad
08-21-2012, 12:39 PM
Hi, had another long talk with her while her dad went out, explaining quite a lot what a rough time he had with his ex (I know they all say that) but it did make me feel very slightly guilty, saying they have a lovely place in an old vicarage in the hills which she is desperate for me to go and see, also saying they really don't see the age difference and are really happy, she always has been very mature for her age, she will be 17 in oct. My head is so screwed up, of course I want her to be happy, I just didn't want her to settle down this young, and there is just no way I can condone the age difference, he is 10 years older than us! She just wants us all to be one big happy family but I'm not sure I can get the feeling of wanting to punch him in the face when I see him!

Debs x

TotallyAngelic
08-21-2012, 01:43 PM
What a difficult situation you are in ... my heart goes out to you. Your DD does sound as though she is being very mature about it and not going off at the deep end but I would indeed be worried as to why a 51 year old man would be interested in a 16 year old girl .... I would definitely get a check done on the man as he could already be on the SO Register .. then you might have some ammunition. Also if he was making moves on her before she was 16. It is a difficult one as you don't want to alienate your daughter.

amacspad
08-21-2012, 02:11 PM
She has always been too mature for her age but to me she's still my little girl, I will wait for the check results tomorrow,

Debs x (thanks again everyone, it's such a relief to get all this advice)

laura_<3
08-21-2012, 02:33 PM
What an awful situation you're going through, I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. I'm sorry I can't add to the brilliant advice you've already had but thinking of you and sending lots of hugs :grouphug: x

mackay_j
08-21-2012, 02:50 PM
Is there a 3rd party that could talk this through with her (aunt, cousin, or close family friend). They may be a bit more removed so could talk with less emotion.

If all else fails then you may just have to support her (or at least pretend to) with a few musts in place- you will have to negotiate on these. but I would aim for-
1. If you are to respect her choice with no bias about his age then she must do the same - so same rules for this relationship as for any with someone her own age- which for me (with my dd would be home at night until she is 18). To do this you will need to be able to have him in the house as you would with any other boyfriend.

2. She should understand, if this is for the long term, what she is getting into and if you accept the age diff and support her (grit your teeth when you tell her that) she should also accept the age diff and prepared for a life when he will retire and not be the bread winner, so collage would be a good idea as she will probably in the future need to surport both of them. Also as he as kids of his own his income will not be all theirs. You may be able to get his support of this as well (if he has any decency in him- but with that age gap I'm not sure he has)

3 I would also think about inviting him and one of her own age friends on your hols- 1 week with you for each. (yes you we prob ruin your holiday but - you may get her to see the age gap more clearly- I would get them tickets to US/IOA and for a very loud & late night in between at city walk.)- Which one is the most fun to be with may then become very apparant.


If all else fails - then you'll just have to be there for when it all comes crashing down- parents raw end of the deal I'm afraid. Let her know that it won't be a told you so situation and that your there for her regardless and that would go for any relationship not just with this man. (again show no bias)

Good luck

amacspad
08-22-2012, 06:05 AM
Is there a 3rd party that could talk this through with her (aunt, cousin, or close family friend). They may be a bit more removed so could talk with less emotion.

If all else fails then you may just have to support her (or at least pretend to) with a few musts in place- you will have to negotiate on these. but I would aim for-
1. If you are to respect her choice with no bias about his age then she must do the same - so same rules for this relationship as for any with someone her own age- which for me (with my dd would be home at night until she is 18). To do this you will need to be able to have him in the house as you would with any other boyfriend.

2. She should understand, if this is for the long term, what she is getting into and if you accept the age diff and support her (grit your teeth when you tell her that) she should also accept the age diff and prepared for a life when he will retire and not be the bread winner, so collage would be a good idea as she will probably in the future need to surport both of them. Also as he as kids of his own his income will not be all theirs. You may be able to get his support of this as well (if he has any decency in him- but with that age gap I'm not sure he has)

3 I would also think about inviting him and one of her own age friends on your hols- 1 week with you for each. (yes you we prob ruin your holiday but - you may get her to see the age gap more clearly- I would get them tickets to US/IOA and for a very loud & late night in between at city walk.)- Which one is the most fun to be with may then become very apparant.


If all else fails - then you'll just have to be there for when it all comes crashing down- parents raw end of the deal I'm afraid. Let her know that it won't be a told you so situation and that your there for her regardless and that would go for any relationship not just with this man. (again show no bias)

Good luck


Thank you for all this advice, it's still all too raw at the moment to even contemplate seeing him, she came home this morn then said she was going to the shops, after a while I had a mini panic and went in her room making sure she had t left a note, thankfully not, but there was a small teddy of hers on the floor and then that was it, crying again :( its so hard, she is begging me not to go to social services or anything and I love her so much but I still can't help thinking about this 51 year old man touching my child, just makes me feel so sick and angry!

Debs

mackay_j
08-22-2012, 07:27 AM
I didn't mean straight away, but thoses ideas were fall back if all else fails.

Just another thought, does this man have any family, sisters, brothers, cousins (or even children) that you could approach for their help. I'm am sure that even his own family would also be very upset about him seeing your dd.

Also a bit worried that your dd doesn't want you to contact social services, does she have a reason for this. I thought you had already contacted them, I would do this ASAP as they must have experience re this kind of thing. He may have done something like this before and be on there files.

Good luck

But rememeber,do not cut her off- she needs to be able to come back when it all comes crashing down.

.

amacspad
08-22-2012, 08:24 AM
I didn't mean straight away, but thoses ideas were fall back if all else fails.

Just another thought, does this man have any family, sisters, brothers, cousins (or even children) that you could approach for their help. I'm am sure that even his own family would also be very upset about him seeing your dd.

Also a bit worried that your dd doesn't want you to contact social services, does she have a reason for this. I thought you had already contacted them, I would do this ASAP as they must have experience re this kind of thing. He may have done something like this before and be on there files.

Good luck

But rememeber,do not cut her off- she needs to be able to come back when it all comes crashing down.

.

Again thank you for taking the time with your advice, she is home today and we have been talking for hours, I am still getting him checked but I genuinely don't think he is a bad person after speaking to her, from what she has explained they seem to know what they are doing, becs is wanting me to go and see where they live (even when he isn't there) and to show me how happy and settled they are, I think I have almost got past the being too upset and angry stage, obviously not happy with the situation but she is 17 in October and as said before, very mature for her age, I literally have been to hell and back but at the end of the day she is here with me now, and going to keep coming back, we are very close and I want to keep it that way, we go away end of oct so will see what happens, as long as she is safe and happy and we still see her maybe that is the main thing,

Debs x

joolz1910
08-22-2012, 12:32 PM
God, what an awful situation to be in. I would be beside myself with worry and anger. Unfortunately there is very little you can do as she is 16. I think you should keep talking and 'tolerate' the situation rather than accept it; unless of course you find he has any sort of record!

They will face a lot of prejudice and this might make your DD think twice about this relationship once she goes 'public'. He will inevitably lose family and friends over this, which might make him think twice about the relationship! She may well grow out of him too - a clandestine, forbidden relationship is so much more exciting, so perhaps once the dust settles, it will seem a little bit mundane.

I would keep talking and listening, but I would explain for now that it has been too much of a shock for you to start accepting him and visiting his home. If he really loves her, he would be happy for her to live at home, finish her education and leave home at 18. Why not suggest this as a compromise? If they are still together then, you might have to give the relationship your blessing, or risk losing her.

amacspad
08-22-2012, 01:08 PM
God, what an awful situation to be in. I would be beside myself with worry and anger. Unfortunately there is very little you can do as she is 16. I think you should keep talking and 'tolerate' the situation rather than accept it; unless of course you find he has any sort of record!

They will face a lot of prejudice and this might make your DD think twice about this relationship once she goes 'public'. He will inevitably lose family and friends over this, which might make him think twice about the relationship! She may well grow out of him too - a clandestine, forbidden relationship is so much more exciting, so perhaps once the dust settles, it will seem a little bit mundane.

I would keep talking and listening, but I would explain for now that it has been too much of a shock for you to start accepting him and visiting his home. If he really loves her, he would be happy for her to live at home, finish her education and leave home at 18. Why not suggest this as a compromise? If they are still together then, you might have to give the relationship your blessing, or risk losing her.

Thank you, your thoughts are the same as mine, she is adamant she doesn't want to go to college, she is trying for more hours where she works and she can do training there to move up so at least she is still career motivated, I have asked if she maybe stays home during the week then at least she still gets lifts to work at weekend which we struggled to do for her, I feel a bit better, I know things could be a lot worse and she could be staying somewhere really rough with no job!

Debs xx

joolz1910
08-22-2012, 03:23 PM
Relationships started at 16 rarely last into adulthood. The odds are stacked against them. I really hope it all works out, Debs.

amacspad
08-22-2012, 03:59 PM
Relationships started at 16 rarely last into adulthood. The odds are stacked against them. I really hope it all works out, Debs.

Thank you xxx