My Sister Hates Being a Mother

[becka]

I don't know whether to ask for prayers, good thoughts, sympathy or what in this case. :(

I don't know if many of you have paid any attention to some of the issues I have had with my sister in the past but if you have then you know she and I have never really gotten along very well. She is a very selfish person and she just drives me crazy.

She and her husband just had a beautiful, healthy baby girl almost 4 weeks ago. My sister has never wanted kids however she married a man that did want kids. We pleaded with her before her marriage to talk things out seriously with her husband because this was an issue you did not want to disagree on. We don't really know how much of a conversation (if any) really took place but she made some kind of comment along the lines of she "agreed" to have a kid or two. She didn't want them - she agreed to them. :rolleyes:

Fast forward about 7 months and my sister is pregnant. She is working part-time and attending law school when she got pregnant and she plans on taking "a few days off" to have the baby and then return to school and her job. She never sounded excited about the baby and she certainly complained enough about pregnancy. We kept hoping that maybe as she progressed that she would get more excited or at least when the baby got here she would realize something.

Well the baby has been here for almost a month and things are not going well. This is her husband's baby according to her. She has done her part. She doesn't want to hold her and she has really not bonded at all with her. Everytime my parents went to see the baby in the last few weeks they never saw my sister holding her...her husband was always the one holding her, feeding her, changing her, etc. It would almost sound like post-partum depression except for her own personal history about disliking kids and never wanting them. She ended up taking a leave of absense from law school because she was on bed rest the last 3 weeks of her pregnancy so she missed too much. She is planning on returning to school next summer. However, she has now decided that she needs to find a full-time job that will pay for full-time day care for the baby so she doesn't have to deal with her! She wants to send the baby to daycare all day and then have her husband take care of the baby all evening and night. Right now she does sort of take care of the baby during the day but apparently as soon as her husband gets home she hands her over to him and he does everything until he leaves again. Not suprisingly she and her DH are fighting quite a bit.

Her DH went on a business trip for the past 9 days and my Mom was so worried that she had my sister and the baby move in with them until her DH gets back. My Mom says that my sister leaves the baby care to my parents and she does what little she has to. She just doesn't want to be with her. She will feed her if she can't get someone else to and then puts her back down to sleep. If she cries my sister just leaves her there to cry because she can't handle it.

It is really sad. I feel bad for my niece, my BIL, my parents even a little sorry for my sister in that she does not know what she is missing out on. I am over 7 hours away so there is not much I can do.

On top of feeling sad I am also starting to feel a lot of anger towards my sister. She has the opportunity to stay home with her baby until next summer and all she wants to do is to find a job (any job) that just pays enough to put her daughter in daycare! :mad: I would give my right arm to have the opportunity to stay home with DS!

I know none of you can help but I do believe in the power of prayer/good thoughts, etc. so I am thinking that the only thing I can really do is to pray for her, my niece and the rest of my family that she has a change of heart quickly.

Thanks for reading.....

[caitycaity]

what a difficult situation. :(

i hope it works out for everyone involved.

[snowball22]

Wow!!! How very sad!! I think your sister needs some major help!! I feel so sorry for the baby.:(

[jx3smom]

Oh that is so sad. Your sister does not know how lucky she is. Good thoughts to you and your family.

[bsnyder]

Maybe she can get some counseling, it sounds like she has serious some issues to work out.

I hope things get better with this sad situation, Becka. For the baby's sake, being supportive of your sister is probably the only thing you can do at this point.

[Mskanga]

Becka;
I'm really disturbed with this , if your sister feels this way she should have never had a baby. For the baby's sake I'm praying that she will have a change of heart , if she doesn't , the baby will suffer. I'm sorry but she sounds very selfish to me.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

[aahmom1]

That poor baby, how sad for her :( I can't stand to think of a baby just crying and nobody picking it up, that breaks my heart. Hopefully her maternal instincts kick in or maybe her husband will just end up raising the baby on his own, better than having a Mom who doesn''t care about her. Poor baby. :(

[Serena]

I am so sorry. I don't have any advice, I wish I did.

[Lucky4me]

Selfish is not the word.

The only blessing you can take from this whole thing is your parents innvolvement and the babys Fathers. As long as she has someone who loves her dearly, she'll be okay. Actually, the best thing for her would be to go into daycare 10 hours a day rather than stay home with an uninterested, uncaring, and cold Mother.

Don't be angry at your sister for not wanting to stay home. In her own way she is doing what is best for her child. Instead, why don't you become her Angel Aunt? When she's a little older, call her on the phone, visit as much as possible, send her little cards and gifts, and tell her how great she is. She's going to need that.

I will pray for your sister but I'm afraid someone with feelings that strong, that have lasted that long, will not change. All you can do is be there to support the baby and her husband. Good luck!

[LindaR]

This is VERY disturbing. Your sister AND her husband need to seek help right away. He holds alot of responsibility in what has happened and what happens in the future. I don't believe that she is going to develope "maternal instincts" and this child's welfare is at stake.

They need assistance to acknowledge and work on issues on why a life was created when only one wanted that life.

Choosing to NOT have children is fine and perfectly normal. Why she had one when she obviously didn't want one, and why her behavior is being "enabled" is very unhealthy.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

Perhaps you can annonymously make a few phone calls so that the baby's health and welfare can be checked into, and her mental health examined at the same time.

Your family has seen a problem. You have a responsibility to help a child that cannot seek help for itself before its too late

[goofygirl]

She should have stood her ground and not had a baby. She's being punished for not standing her ground, and now there's a baby being punished, too.

Its people like her that get childless by choice people like me MAD!

Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks that someone who does not want kids will later fall in love with the idea of babies. I will tell you point blank: people who do NOT desire kids CANNOT be "converted" into someone who will desire them! Its NOT going to happen!

Your sister is not crazy or selfish, or abnormal. What she is- is someone who has betrayed her desires to please her man. I blame her husband as well. He should of been more understanding of her wishes not to have children, and should not have pressured her. You did not say he pressured her, but I have a feeling that he did.

The only way I can see this resolved, is sadly, through a divorce where her DH gets full custody of the baby. That way, he will have the child he wanted, and she can reclaim her childfree life. Hopefully, with all the father's care and attention, the child wont feel rejection from her mother.

[Robinrs]

This is a NIGHTMARE that will last a lifetime! A child that doesn't bond with her mother becomes a problem to everyone she deals with in the future....

Unfortunately, we as adults have dealt with alot of these grown up children....

I agree with everyone, she needs serious psychiatric help. This is truly sad...

[A kid at heart]

I have to agree here, she never should have had a child. IF she knew in her heart that she didn't want one, she never should have done it. Mother hood isn't for everyone. She knew this, but she didn't go with it.
In the end her DD will truly feel the repercussions of her mom not wanting her. I hope she gets counseling or the BIL steps up to bat.

[DVC-Don]

Same thing happened here a year ago. Two houses down, she never wanted kids. Well a year ago she just up and walked out saying she can not understand why anyone would want to deal with kids and it's not what she expected. She left a 2 yo daughter and 4 yo son. The husband is devistated.

[Kelsie]

Originally posted by goofygirl
Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks that someone who does not want kids will later fall in love with the idea of babies. I will tell you point blank: people who do NOT desire kids CANNOT be "converted" into someone who will desire them! Its NOT going to happen!

Once again, I have to disagree with you. And I am doing so based on experience.

This is very sad and your family will be in my thoughts.

[honeywolf7]

I knew someone that felt like that and had children anyway...Luckily, she did change once she saw her child. I personally wanted children but I always wanted to adopt not have my own...I always had a feeling labor would be awful (and I did have two very difficult pregnancies) even though everyone always assured me it wasn't that bad. Anyway, prayers for your niece and your brother-in-law are on their way along with prayers that maybe somehow your sister will have a change of heart eventually.

[Deb in IA]

I am very sorry for you and your family, becka.

Yes, she should not have had the baby, but now that the baby is here, well, there's no sending it back. The only thing I can suggest is that your sister get a through evaluation for the possibility of post partum depression or other mental issues. I agree, it is probably NOT PPD, given her previous feelings toward children, but it is worth a shot. Also, she and her husband need to get into marriage/family couseling ASAP, to help them sort this mess out.

If nothing changes, I too see a divorce and the baby going with dad in the future (sorry if this is harsh).

[Disney845]

Ummm...not that I want to get flamed here but...

When I first read this I thought it was very sad, and I feel for the child in this situation. After reading some of these posts however I think you are going about this in the wrong way. I agree with everyone, she needs serious psychiatric help. Wow, where did this come from? A person who doesn't like and/or want children has psychiatric issues? I don't think so. Some people are just not into children. That isn't a major character flaw in my opinion, and it certainly doesn't warrant seeking psychiatric help. I agree that this woman should never have had a child, but forcing the child on her will do nothing more than ruin 3 lives (hers, the baby, her husband) I agree with the posters who have said perhaps a divorce is the best thing so that the husband and the child can lead a normal life without a mother figure who resents both the husband and child.

A child that doesn't bond with her mother becomes a problem to everyone she deals with in the future....

I do not know where you are getting your info, or if you are just making things up off the top of your head. While no one would argue that a loving homelife goes far in producing healthy, well rounded children and subsequent adults, I take personal offense to your claim. Every child who grew up with just a father, or who was orphaned is a "PROBLEM" in your point of view? I don't buy that. People make of life what they are given. If you choose to wallow in the problems of your youth and never rise above them, then yes you might be a "problem." But how can you say that not bonding with a mother has perminently affected all children without maternal guidence. You must be sitting in a fairly lofty position to be able to make this decree.

[Teejay32]

It sounds like a month-long pout, becka. The adult equivalent of stomping her foot. I'm sorry.

Are you positive there's no postpartum depression there? Just wondering.

[robinb]

I really think this does sound like PPD. She should be treated ASAP for her safety and that of the baby.

[goofygirl]

Kelsie, I think you are the exception to the rule. There' s some cases where women who never wanted children had them anyway, and then they grew into the part of motherhood and things turned out ok. But like I said, I think these women are the *exception* amongst women who dont/didnt want children. Most women who arent maternal stay non-maternal. They cant be converted. You cant force maternal instinct to be there. Its like forcing yourself to be in love with someone when the whole while your heart says youre not in love with them- it aint gonna work! Its not wrong or right, its just the way it is.

You shouldnt have a child if you are not in love with the idea of having one.
Just like you shouldnt marry someone you are not in love with.

[Pooh93]

I am sorry becka, this is a difficult situation for all involved and it seems like if something doesn't change, your bil and sister will be looking at some tough decisions to make in their marriage. I agree that people adament about not having kids should not have them. I'm glad your parents are able to be there and help too.

On one note...my parents divorced when I was very young and I am an only child that was raised by my dad and I didn't turn out so bad. :) Do I feel like my mother abandoned me...yes at times. Would I ever do that to my dd's? NO, because I know how it felt/feels.

On another note, my sil has basically abandoned her daughter and never bonded with her. My mil and other sil are raising her. The child is only 6 and has trouble relating to kids and adults alike. She has never had the stability that she needed and I can see her having big time problems down the road.

Moral of the story...every situation is different. Hang in there.

[Michelle]

Becka, I am so sad to hear this and I know it must be heartbreaking for everyone in the family to see this.

It is absolutely vital to a child's emotional and physical development that she feel safe, loved and cared for in her early life. Yes, it's good that there are other family members there to help but they cannot always be there, and that child WILL know that her mother does not love her.

I agree with those who suggest a medical work-up and counseling, but it does not sound like your sister has any interest in changing the situation, so I don't know how much you can do.

Truly sad. :(

[Toby'sFriend]

It does sound really sad Becka. I'm happy that the baby has other family members around that love and care. Not wanting to care for the baby or be with the baby are signs of Post Partum Depression, but you could be right in thinking that isn't the whole problem or even part of the problem.

Unfortunately I don't think anybody will be able to convince your sister to seek any kind of Assistance or Counselling, even if it would help.

Hopefully she knows enough now to not have any more children.


:(

[SilverLily]

I agree with Disney845 somewhat. Just because someone doesn't want children does not mean that they need psychological help. However......someone who is opposed to something so serious and does it anyway to please her man does need psychological help. She may have self-esteem issues. And to top it off, she may also be suffering from PPD. It is worth it to get that checked out.

If it is clearly a case of her never wanting children, and resenting the child now that she is here, then I think a divorce would be best.

The husband may also benefit from some counseling. He needs to learn why he had a baby with someone who didn't want children. He needs to learn to not make the same mistake again, and to learn to find someone who is more compatible with him.

And on a personal note, it pisses me off that people like that have healthy, beautiful children when there are so many people who can't have children, who have miscarriages, who experience their child's death.....sometimes it seems like there is no justice in this world.

[helenabear]

This is just so sad to hear... I wish I had advice but I don't :(

[Rajah]

SilverLily said what I was going to, so I won't repeat other than to say that she should be checked out for PPD. If it isn't PPD, then IMHO the best thing for the child would, sadly, be a divorce with the child going with the husband. :(

[catsrule]

Very sad story becka. I hope things work out.

[Blondie]

The whole situation is just so sad. :(

She shouldn't have "agreed" to have a child, she should've wanted to have the child.

Such a shame when you think of all the women in the world who would give almost anything to have a baby.

[zulaya]

For those who don't know why...and maybe becka can correct me if I am wrong...but I think becka's sister had a competitive thing going. Like, "My sister's having a baby so I am going to have one too so she doesn't have something I don't."

That being said, her total lack of responsibility to this child, is appalling. I have known a few people who became pregnant be accident, decided to have the baby, and while weren't the best parents in the world, still took on the responsibility of caring for the child.

I don't care for divorce in any case, believing that problems can be worked out, but in this case, I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem like becka's sister is going to change her tune. It might be better for her baby and her husband for her to not be in the picture with the attitude she has now.

[abaldacci]

Becka,
I hope everything works out for the best what ever that might be. :(

[ellyn2000]

I can't think of a sadder thing than to be raised by a mother that doesn't know how to nurture or love a child. I pray that her heart will change.

[shortbun]

I'm sorry your family is going through this and I'm
sorry for your neice. I don't know your sister but I
can't blame her more than her husband who
selfishly insisted she become a mother. Anyone
with any sense knows people rarely change. Don't
be hard on your sister-she is merely going by her
instincts. How could your BIL leave for NINE DAYS
knowing what he was leaving behind? They should
hire inhome help or get an aupair. Your sister can love
her child in her own way-everyone trying to force her
to become someone she is not may drive her away
permanently. My son's best friend is an ignored child
who's parents have her in child care or with someone
else every chance they can. She's a lovely little girl with
some behavior issues. I love her all I can, so do some
other women I know. Perhaps your neice will develop
motherly relationships with other women. Family of origin
does not have to be family of choice. Good luck and try
to forgive your sister. Help her all you can-she's in a
really bad spot.

[snoopy]

This is just so sad.

I work with a woman who likes children, just doesn't care for the responsibility of babies. She and her husband just recently adopted an older child - they seem very happy.

Too bad your sister and her husband didn't think of alternatives, or perhaps decided not to have children at all.

That being said, the baby is now here, so there isn't much you can do about it except offer the child your love and support. If your sister stays in the picture and continues to resent her child, she is sure to be one sad little child. :(

[Planogirl]

I agree with the others that this is a very sad situation. I can't add anything except to ask that you let us know what they decide to do. I hope that it all works out somehow.

[bsnyder]

Originally posted by becka

On top of feeling sad I am also starting to feel a lot of anger towards my sister. She has the opportunity to stay home with her baby until next summer and all she wants to do is to find a job (any job) that just pays enough to put her daughter in daycare! :mad: I would give my right arm to have the opportunity to stay home with DS!


Becka, just a thought....maybe your sister could pay YOU to stay home and take care of your DS and her baby.

[nancy679]

I dont know what the financial aspects of this situtation, but instead of thinking about divorce, your BIL could be a stay at home dad, if your sister is studying to be a lawyer, she could continue with her career and your niece could still have a family atmosphere. I know a few families that the mom makes more money than the dad, so the dad stays home.

[becka]

Thanks for your prayers and words of advice.

It is a very difficult situation all around. No one really understands why she decided to be a mother since she never had any desire to have kids and she has never been the real maternal type.

My entire family keeps hoping that she will somehow start to feel differently and perhaps someday she will but she is the one that is going to have to make the changes. My BIL has never seemed to be the controlling type and I am really convinced (so is my Mom) that my sister probably initiated the pregnancy on her own and probably had BIL convinced that she had changed her mind.

I forget who mentioned it earlier in the thread but yes my sister is the competitive type and she is always trying to compete with me. We buy a new car then she buys a new car. We bought a house so she had to buy a house. We announced we were having a baby and then bam! 4 months later they are having a baby. She is very smart but sometimes she just does not think!

I think I actually posted a few months back about this very situation being my fear and how I was going to feel partly responsible. I know that it is not my fault but I can't stand to think about my niece growing up with a mother that never really wanted her. :( I am going to try my best to be a great aunt but I do live over 7 hours away so it will be hard. Thankfully my parents live about 30 minutes from her and they have been very involved so far. They are just as concerned as I am - probably more - and I at least feel better knowing that they are looking out for everyone.

I don't know what it going to happen. It has only been about a month and I have not heard anyone mention divorce but I can't imagine this will be good for their marriage. I know they have been fighting but then again so have DH and I and we really like our kid. :) I know that the adjustment no matter what the situation is stressful.

BIL may eventually become a stay at home Dad but not right now. He just got this job as an admissions officer for a college which is why he has to travel. (The job thing is a whole other situation - they could not afford to have the baby on what he was making prior so he had to take this job even though it means being out of town for weeks.) My sister was going to finish law school and then my BIL was going to get his Ph.D. and become a college history professor (he is a huge Civil War scholar and has already written a book).

I think I am just starting to ramble now so I should get off. I just got DS to bed and I probably should head that way myself. :)

[bsnyder]

Becka, I didn't realize you lived at a distance from your sister, obviously my idea of taking care of the baby wouldn't work.

Hugs to you, and I hope that the situation gets better soon.

[disykat]

Becca, best wishes to your family in this sad situation!

I have to comment to Disney845 - I have to agree sis needs counseling. In no way do I think not wanting children means you need counseling, but that someone who DOES have kids and doesn't want them needs help to deal with the situation!

I also have to comment about growing up without a mother figure. I think what people were saying is that having your mother not treat you in a motherly way could be damaging - not that orphans or people living only with dad will be damaged.

Even someone who does not want the responsibility of caring for a child's day to day needs can learn to treat them lovingly. Maybe sis can put the child in daycare, let her dh take the majority of the childcare - yet still find something she can share with the child. I think a counselor would be able to help her find her own special way to relate to the child - maybe a hobby, reading, or other special interest. An example might be if she is a Disney fan - starting a collection for the child and as she grows making it something special they can do together. Maybe sis can agree to take on one aspect of care and do that lovingly if she knows that she won't have other responsibilities. If she doesn't feel overwhelmed and resentful maybe her love can grow. It sounds like sis CHOSE to have this child, but just has unrealistic expectations for how motherhood will affect her.

Unfortunately helping her become a mother is going to be hard to do without enabling her to avoid her responsibilities. Becoming a mom by baby steps is pretty hard to do with an infant!

[Nutsy]

I feel sorry for all involved here. The baby who didn't ask to be brought into this world, the parents of the baby, who should really have sorted out their wishes a little better before a pregnancy did occur. For the grandparents, who have to sit back & watch & be heartbroken at what is happening & for you the Aunt who is so far away, but still a part of all this. So terribly sad for all of you.

I do hope baby & co become a family (proper with two loving parents) soon.

Your sis sounds like she is very independant & would much rather a career than a child. Unfortuately she is not alone in that, but most women who feel that way, either don't marry or don't under any circumstances have children.

I have a girlfriend who is of the same mind........"no kids for me". She married eventually to a guy who loves kids, but is willing to go without if it is not what she really wants. She wants a career rather than a family to look after.

Each to their own, but your sis really does need to talk to someone about how she is feeling & why she agreed in the first place to have a child if she is not that way inclined.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Makes me mad & sad at the same time.

Keep us posted on the progress please.