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09-20-2002, 02:00 PM
EX-TYCO CHIEF: ICE SCULPTURE THAT SPRAYED VODKA FROM ITS PRIVATE PARTS SAVED COMPANY MONEY
Used Smirnoff Instead of Absolut, Kozlowski Claims
Embattled ex-Tyco chief L. Dennis Kozlowski, accused of spending company funds on an ice sculpture of Michelangelo’s “David” that sprayed vodka from its private parts, defended the move today, saying he saved Tyco money by using a cheaper brand of vodka.
“When it was time to order an ice sculpture for my wife’s birthday party in Sardinia, I had to make a tough call: would Absolut vodka come spraying out of its willy?” Mr. Kozlowski said in an official statement. “Ultimately, I determined that using Absolut could not be justified – and so I went with Smirnoff instead.”
Wall Street analysts who track Tyco stock applauded Mr. Kozlowski’s decision to have a less expensive vodka spurting from the chilly member of Michelangelo’s masterpiece.
“Say what you want about Kozlowski, but he saved shareholders money by having Smirnoff gushing out of the David’s icicle,” said Alice Hartnell of Credit Suisse First Boston.
In his statement, Mr. Kozlowski also defended his much-pilloried use of Tyco funds to buy a $6000 shower curtain for his home in Boca Raton, saying that he bought the curtain only after “extensive comparison shopping.”
“I jumped at that shower curtain because I had seen it selling elsewhere for as much as $9000,” Kozlowski said.
CSFB’s Hartnell said that Kozlowski’s new disclosures were bound to improve his reputation on Wall Street and with the business community in general.
“Clearly, there was a rush to judgment here,” she said. “People who want to paint Kozlowski as a crook should take a closer look at the vodka cascading out of the David’s frozen wiener.”
*****Borowitz Reports*****
Used Smirnoff Instead of Absolut, Kozlowski Claims
Embattled ex-Tyco chief L. Dennis Kozlowski, accused of spending company funds on an ice sculpture of Michelangelo’s “David” that sprayed vodka from its private parts, defended the move today, saying he saved Tyco money by using a cheaper brand of vodka.
“When it was time to order an ice sculpture for my wife’s birthday party in Sardinia, I had to make a tough call: would Absolut vodka come spraying out of its willy?” Mr. Kozlowski said in an official statement. “Ultimately, I determined that using Absolut could not be justified – and so I went with Smirnoff instead.”
Wall Street analysts who track Tyco stock applauded Mr. Kozlowski’s decision to have a less expensive vodka spurting from the chilly member of Michelangelo’s masterpiece.
“Say what you want about Kozlowski, but he saved shareholders money by having Smirnoff gushing out of the David’s icicle,” said Alice Hartnell of Credit Suisse First Boston.
In his statement, Mr. Kozlowski also defended his much-pilloried use of Tyco funds to buy a $6000 shower curtain for his home in Boca Raton, saying that he bought the curtain only after “extensive comparison shopping.”
“I jumped at that shower curtain because I had seen it selling elsewhere for as much as $9000,” Kozlowski said.
CSFB’s Hartnell said that Kozlowski’s new disclosures were bound to improve his reputation on Wall Street and with the business community in general.
“Clearly, there was a rush to judgment here,” she said. “People who want to paint Kozlowski as a crook should take a closer look at the vodka cascading out of the David’s frozen wiener.”
*****Borowitz Reports*****