Help! Kids' behavior is making me want to cancel (vent)

[MickeyMonstersMom]

We're leaving one week from today for their first trip to WDW. Between the summer-long record heat and their anticipation, DD (7) and DS (4) started out summer vacation being annoying and have now reached intolerable. I've always been so proud of how well they get along and help each other, but they've spent the entire summer sniping at each other: today I found them wrestling (not in fun) over a chair in the living room! They aren't listening well, either, and in the past week or so have found myself yelling at them full-voice out of sheer frustration. I'm trying to use a reward system of Disney Dollars for good behavior, and it is not going well: they are earning only 50-60% of the amount I'd targeted for each day.

My mother (who is coming with us) visited us last week and told me that she does not want to go if they keep behaving like this. I defended them (heat and anticipation) then, but I'm losing my own joy in this trip. My children are normally very well-behaved, and this behavior upsets me; and if they act like this in public, I will be absolutely humiliated. I have told them that they will be taken back to the room and I'll call KinderCare (etc) if they act like this. But really, I don't want to have to do this.

I'm hoping that this behavior is indeed due to their excitement about this trip, and that these monsters will turn back into the wonderful children I know and love once we get there. Can anyone offer me a ray of hope? Or should I plan to route money from the food budget (i.e., character meals) to a babysitting fund? I am so discouraged - any straw at which I could clutch would be greatly appreciated.

Lori

[susy]

Lori,
I know this sounds harsh, but maybe you should cancel.

When I taught Pre-k, my kids knew a simple rule regarding field trips: If I can't trust you to follow the rules in the classroom, how can I trust you to behave out there?

Know this: it will be HOT at WDW. Couple that with crowds, anticipations, tiredness, arguing over who is going to do what...

If you are not tough with your kids now, they will really take advantage once you are there. Really think about this: you probably won't use kindercare, because you are paying so much for this vacation, blah, blah, blah. Think about waiting until Christmas vacation. It will be cooler and I wouldn't even tell them about it. Maybe when school starts you can get them back on a good schedule (summers are awful) and they won't be in each other's face as much.


Listen to your mom- she sounds smart!

[Barb D]

I sure know this heat has ME not on my best behavior! I've been extra snappy myself. I'm ready for cool weather!

There was a whole thread recently on discipline at WDW. Here it is:
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=229046

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Susy, you aren't necessarily harsh - I teach 7th graders and know the value of standing firm when warranted. I have a sinking feeling that a cancellation may be the only option here; hence the "grasping at straws."

Barb, I posted on that thread when it first began - it's amazing how things can change so quickly. Back then, I'd considered KinderCare a deterrent/threat that really shouldn't be necessary - now I'm even looking at cancelling the trip entirely! We were supposed to go last December but postponed because of 9/11 fallout, and then financial issues almost derailed us again. The thought of not going is making me sick. :(

Lori

[CDisney]

MickeyMonstersMom,

With the temperatures being what they've been this summer, I know my boys, 7 & 5, haven't gotten outside as much to burn off excess energy. Within the confines of the house, they just seemed to bicker more and I found myself raising my voice more than I liked.

It's kind of silly, but I made up a rhyme that helped me stop yelling and the kids pay attention. "Listen the first time; do what I say. Listen the first time; so, we can play." For some reason, the sing-song voice penetrated the din when I was at my wits end.

Are they intolerable just at home or when you're away from home, too? That may give you a clue as to what you can expect at Disney.

I'd sit down with them when they're not bickering and tell them how disappointed you are in their behavior this summer. Ask them if they know what rules they've broken. (Give your 4 year-old the first chance at answering the question.)

After they've covered the major crimes, tell them what your expectations are for the rest of the week and for the trip. Have them repeat the major rules each time one of them slips up and "test" them on the rules even when they're behaving.

Whenever we have a special event coming up, we rehearse the rules just to make sure everyone is clear about the expectations. It seems to alleviate a lot of the problems.

Last August, we shared a house with friends, so we had five kids ages 4 to 9. The entire week before we left, we "tested" our boys about the rules. There wasn't a fight among the five kids that week.

We're leaving Thursday, so we've already started practicing our Disney rules:
1) Stay with mom or dad at all times.
2) No fighting - no arguing, no hitting, etc.
3) Use good manners.
4) No whining - use your words to express yourself.
5) No complaining about rides that aren't your favorites.
6) There's only one "buy day" for souvenirs.

Good luck!

[ls1222]

Lori-I have 3 children (3,5,8) and they have made me crazy this summer (arguing,whining,ect...) BUT I think it has to do w/ the heat and being w/ each other 24/7. I know with my children they can act like little animals at home but when we go away they are usually very good!! We took the kids to Six Flags yesterday (for 12 hours) and they were perfect, didnt fight, whine or ask for anything but a snow cone. I told my DH that I think they will do just fine in Disney. Explain to your kids what you expect on vacation, but maybe w/ all the excitement, diffrent atmosphere and so much to do they will not have time to fight!! Good Luck.

[jldriscoll]

Think about how your kids have handled stressful times before.

For me, every week before christmas and birhtdays are heck!
My kids just aren't themselves!!! I try to give them some slack.

Plus when you are there, you will be able to focus all your attention on them rather than household stuff. That will make them less likely to focus on each other.:) There will be so much to do and see they won't have time for fighting.

I agree, lay down the law and let them know what is expected of them (picking concequences you can actually follow through with ;) ) and you'll be fine!!!

This summer has been really hard on my 2 girls too. They have been fighting over the most ridiculous things! being stuck in 2500 sqft for 2 months bites!!! IN WDW they have the whole world to discover!

They are naturally good kids...they'll show their true colors when you get there!

HAVE FUN!!!:bounce: :Pinkbounc :Pinkbounc :bounce:

[erinch]

my 6 yo dd has been a challenge since she made it very clear, at 10 minutes old, that she would not be swaddled. We also have a 14 yo DS, who forgets he was never perfect, who doesn't appreciate his fun times being nuked by little Sis and the Tantrum. Here's a few things which work for us:

1) Screaming doesn't. I've tried.

2) We have an elaborate mythology going in which Meredith, the dd, has an evil twin named Dithemer. Dithemer is the one who loses it, and gets Meredith into trouble. We will designate one chair the Meredith seat and one the Dithemer seat, my daughter will play both parts, and occasionally can have a very helpful conversation with Dithemer--why she's upset and screaming, how she could "turn nice" again. Usually Dithemer is hot, tired or has been seduced by the constant commercials and stuff to buy.

3) Shameless bribery. We space out her money so she gets to buy a (small) beanie every day--as we leave the park, if she's gotten it back in control within 2 minutes if she starts to lose it

4) A determination our fun will not be spoiled. Because DS was a pain in the butt at 7, but is a terrific 14 yo I know Meredith won't be where she is the rest of her life

5) Shameless distraction to move on to something else

6) Attempting to respond with some detachment & humor when they're duking it out. Meredith and her best friend Molly bicker constantly--but when I refuse to intervene eventually come up with a creative solution.

Since our son has nearly died 11 times in his life due to asthma/anaphylaxis, and somehow, amazingly, we are still gifted with him, I am far more laid back about my drip dry occasional monster than I would be if we hadn't spent our early disney trips calculating how far we were from the nebulizer.

In a different voice than some others, I would go with a smile on your face seizing the good times--if you're all alive and healthy everything else can be worked out. If the kids have PMS now, the disney magic may wash it right away. If not, you can have a family meeting to cope with the stress. Decide what's "good enough" rather than perfect, and settle for it. develop a family ritual each night of writing down the good life-giving things that happened that day.

the next time they bicker, laugh and walk away.

[Barb D]

If you're a praying family, this is definitely something to pray TOGETHER about. (Of course, you can pray on your own, too!) "Lord, please help us to be kind and gentle and patient with each other, and help us to have a good family time together!" Something along those lines. :)

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Well, it's a new day - and I hope, a fresh start for all of us. We talked last night about the good kids who usually live here, and how I want those kids to come back. DD has found her well-behaved counterpart (so far) and if she can practice some self-restraint and help her brother, then he should be OK, too. We will still go, and we will be reviewing those rules. As I've said before, this has never been an issue - I guess I've always taken their good behavior for granted.

Thank you all for the support and advice.

Lori

[erinch]

one of the things I forgot to say in my post is that we sometimes will send Dithemer (evil twin) in search of Meredith (good twin). She will go looking, then come back wreathed in smiles with the news she's put Dithemer down for a nap. Gives her a way to save face and break the cycle.

Another shameless trick which might work with your 7 yo would be to enlist her as a "junior babysitter" with the 4 yo. I used to reward my older DS with a special treat after so many hours of "helping babysit" (i.e. be nice to & entertain) his little sister. This helped him detach from the sibling scenario, put him on the side of the grownups. When they would fight I would ask "What would Matthew (his favorite male babysitter/role model) do if a 4 yo was acting the way Meredith is?" Then he'd quit being the big brother and start being the professional babysitter.

Hope you all have a wonderful time!

[CDisney]

I'm curious. What part of Central New York are you from? We live just outside of Rome.

[disneymom3]

Another thought to consider is that the kids may be bored. You mention the heat and this only being a problem since summer break. I homeschool my kids so they are here all the time and with each other almost all the time unless one is at an independant activity. I find that when they are not getting along, it is usually because one of them--or both of the two oldest--is bored and needs something new. Try getting a book of simple science projects from your library, search the internet for no bake recipes that you can all make together, find an interest for each child and look--again interenet is a great place--for activities to expand on it. For instance, my DD developed a castle obsession this summer. We have built our own 3-d castle from paper from plans I found on the interent, created our own castle word search, put togther flannel board stories of fairy tales involving castles etc.

The other problem that crops up with summer time for some kids is that all that unplanned time can be stressful for them. Lots of kids need a predictable schedule and summer often doesn't offer one. I actually tried to take the summer off, but it was a no go for DD. Now we have a very basic schedule that gives me the break I need and offers the structure she needs.

And hey, WDW is definitely not boring!! Good luck!

[4greatboys]

Sounds like they may be bored. My 12 yr old is always starting some kind of fight around our house when he is bored. He can really be a huge pain in the butt, lol. I plan to keep mine--primarily him--very busy on our trip. Til he is to tired to start anything and also no shopping for souveniors if he is acting up.
That is hitting him where it hurts because he loves spending his money. Last time we went to Disney we had to stop at EVERY shop and kiosk there. Not doing that this time though, maybe 1 shop a day?? We'll have to play it by ear. Hope you have a good trip.

[lacy1101]

I have a 10-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter and they argue alot! However, I would never dream of canceling a trip to Disney for that reason. While I don't live with your children and don't know your particular circumstances, I think the arguing between siblings is pretty normal behavior - my Mom said we did it! Just my humble opinion . . .

[3kidsdisney]

Mickey monstermom, I too, have 3 kids who are driving me nuts this HOT summer but sometimes it helps me to just get away and take a break. Get a babysiite and got to dinner and or a movie. Maybe even get your nails done. Moms need a break too. I seem to function better after alittle me time and the kids are always better for our babysiiter(grandmom) than me. I am sure things will get better. And you wil have a great trip. Good luck!!!

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Thanks again, everyone. We did MUCH better today. I think yesterday's meltdown (mine!) and the fact that I actually called grandma and discussed the logistics of cancelling have made the kids realize that their behavior could have some serious consequences. I also took them to school and let them run around the track and visit with staff there. DD loved watching the cheerleaders practice. I do plan to give them something to do each day now - to help pass time more quickly and keep their minds off the big event coming up (well, as much as possible).

CDisney, WOW! We just moved from Rome last year to Cortland (I taught at Sauquoit). We lived in Rome for 4 years. The people here are wonderful, but I miss Rome. The kids went back for Honor America Days, though. It is a small world after all... :)

Lori

[Rpsemont]

Lori - A couple thougts - If they don't earn their Disney Doarrs, stand firm. They can just get fewer souvenirs (or maybe they'll be extra good there to try to earn more.
2) Maybe right now think about how to restructure any given day. Even if it means you have to stay in the room with them. My experience- My daughter has a 6th sense for when I want to do something and seems to know she can act up because I probably won't cancel. One time of hauling them back to the resort for room only reading time and they may think twice about future acting up.
3) Alot of it is the heat. I know it's getting to us!

[marcyinPA]

My kids were beasts at home (boys, ages 3 and 7) but perfect angels in Disney. We were so busy that they didn't have time to beat the daylights out of each other. My 3 year old had an occassional tantrum about not getting something that he wanted, but he JUST turned 3 when we were there, so I kind of expected it. I didn't give in, but just 'ignored' him and kept going. My 7 year old had one meltdown on the last day of our trip, but being the last day, he was tired and had to vent. I have to constantly remind myself that they are KIDS and not little adults....to expect them to act like an adult is unfair.

We did have the "behavior" talk with both of them before we left on our trip, and we reminded them daily of our rules.

A little time away from them is also good....leave them with Grandma one night....it worked wonders for my dh and I!!

Have fun...and by all means, GO ON THE TRIP!!!

Marcy

[Jordan's MOM]

I think a vacation from routine is often what we ALL need to get away from some of our behaviors and habits. We find we can't afford NOT to take vacations and week-end trips. It makes us better parents, spouces and family members. We get one or two big vacations a year with WDW every other year. We also look for any chance for a long week-end mountain or beach get-a- way!I agree, by all means DON'T not go. I too bet the kids will be much better on the trip.I also don't think a threat of the sitter is a great plan. For one reason chances are good you could not get a fairy godmother on such short notice.I would look for ways in the park to keep their behavior good to start with. You know the drill of keeping them rested and fed but also for your group, splitting up with different adults for a short time each day might be a good idea. It would give the kids some time apart and some 1:1 time with an adults and let them do what they want for a little while instead of having to do just as the group wants.
I agree that they WILL be better at WDW. My sister has two that fight all the time. At WDW however, they seem to even LIKE each other. Guess it's the magic.

Jordan's mom

[erinch]

if you wanted one special evening out, my kids loved the neverland club at the poly for their own special "time" but would have not liked an in-room sitter. When our DS was around 7 and our little one was little she got to have her own evening at a kids club while we did an eticket night with him. He loved a little time to be able to move faster with mom and dad and she liked the down time

[Debbie7452]

Hi there,

I am the Mom from that other thread. I just had to offer my sympathy for what you've been going through. I know the stress I felt when my kids were acting up. I felt just awful! I kept asking myself "what am I doing wrong?!"

I'm so glad that things are looking up for you, now. My kids just started back to school and, like Disney Magic, they are getting along again. It's probably better that you have confronted this issue before your trip. Now the air is clear for you to have a wonderful time together.

One thing we do often is have one of their friends over to play. I know it sounds crazy to invite MORE kids into the house, but in our house it has a calming effect. Having another child around breaks up the sibling dynamic somehow.

Good luck!

[Bobrow]

My 3 boys,7,11,13. Fight constantly around the house,usually when they are bored or friends are over. Older one likes to show off,but I find on vacation ,they get along the best. they don't have anyone else to rely on for fun so they have to enjoy each other. If someone has the answer fro sibling bickering please tell me!

[FLgirl1203]

I have been in the same boat! I also have children the same age (boys). This summer I have threatened to send my 4yo to military school! Ha Ha! I have also found myself going back and forth prior to Disney trips on what to do. I love the CDisney rules...those are key! We do the same thing.

Your children will most likely get over fighting with each other once you arrive. Here's a few of our tips:

Be sure to take LOTS of breaks...naps even
Don't feel like you have to do a park each day...enjoy the pool, go to DD, minature golf, etc. It's tiring even for adults after a few days.
Split up...have your hubby take one child for a few hours. This will allow special time with each child and you can each have a little "adventure" on your own. Switch children the next day.
Know when they've had enough...my 4yo didn't want to watch the fireworks one year...it was only 15 minutes away but he had had enough...my DH rode the monorail around and around till they were over.
Control their spending on the souveniers. I pick one day and they are allowed a certain amount of money. Stick to your guns or it will be an ongoing battle every day.
(By the way, I tried doing Disney Dollars and that didn't work for me either....it's too intangible for them to understand I think.)

Good luck...I hope you have a magical time...just try to have low expectations and the kids will love just being away from home in a magical place.

[Lisa3]

There has been so much good advice offered here that there really isn't much more to add. I also have three kids (8, 7, 5) who have been driving each other and myself nuts mostly because at least one person in the family has been sick since mid July (and we are very rarely sick). Not being able to get out or have friends over is unbearable. I also do not think you should cancel your trip. I know our family argues more when we don't have any fun times together. Our last Disney vacation was just what the doctor ordered especially for our then 4 year old. I couldn't believe how well all of the kids behaved.

One thing I did learn on our last trip was to make sure your days and meals are planned (I tried to do a sit down Character meal mid day as a time to rest and the kids were still entertained). The worst thing is to stand in the middle of a hot park and have a "discussion" with DH about what to do next. Know which attractions, shows, parades and restaraunts you want to visit and plan your day around them. This doesn't mean you must stay with the plan - if something isn't working move on to the next. Trying to decide where to eat when everyone is hot and hungry almost sent DH and myself to divorce court - I went back to the resort that night and made PS's for the rest of the trip. Good luck and have a fun trip!

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Yes, we are going! The kids have had some better days (even with some pretty low moments) recently, and my gut feeling is that they will put on their proper "public" behavior there.

Luckily, we have done a lot of advance planning (the trip was originally scheduled for last December). We've talked about everyone's must-sees and have put them in an order based on how long the lines for each attraction are likely to be at a given time (ex: do Splash Mountain 1st), as well as their location relative to each other. The kids have pretty much memorized the preset touring plans for each park!

I printed out a lot of the great ideas people have shared here. The past few days we've talked about consequences for griping, arguing, etc. - the kids actually agree that offenders should take a time-out that requires skipping the next ride with Grandma while the others still get to go. I'm sure if it's necessary it will happen only once!

Well, we're about 60 hours away from departure. DD thanked me today for all I've done to save and plan for our vacation: she says it will be magical just to share it with her family. Now THAT'S my girl!

Thank you all for your advice and support.

Lori