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huskies90
05-23-2010, 10:28 PM
**Final Update Page 6 Post 77**


…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

About 2 months ago my wife of over 18 years told me she has changed and no longer loves me anymore. I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day. I came to the realization that although there is still a glimmer of hope things will turn around, I have to face the fact that our marriage is most likely over. We have two daughters, 13 and 10. My wife just went back to work full time last fall. She had been working part time and mostly from home since my eldest daughter was born. I have been the bread winner for our entire marriage and make about 3 times what she makes. This is all coming from her as my feelings have not changed and I envisioned being with her forever. I am not sure what caused the sudden change in her feelings but I have a pretty good idea it is another guy.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

ThanksForNoticingMe
05-23-2010, 10:35 PM
:hug:

Geez that is horrible and beyond sad :(

You need to look into getting the BEST lawyer you can find....and as soon as possible. I am sure you don't want things to get nasty, but you really need to get the lawyer to protect yourself and your assets.

sissy_42
05-23-2010, 10:35 PM
…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

About 2 months ago my dear wife of over 18 years told me she has changed and no longer loves me anymore. I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day. I came to the realization that although there is still a glimmer of hope things will turn around, I have to face the fact that our marriage is most likely over. We have two daughters, 13 and 10. My wife just went back to work full time last fall. She had been working part time and mostly from home since my eldest daughter was born. I have been the bread winner for our entire marriage and make about 3 times what she makes. This is all coming from her as my feelings have not changed and I envisioned being with her forever. I am not sure what caused the sudden change in her feelings but I have a pretty good idea it is another guy.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

I wish I could offer more than just my condolences. :hug:

cmrules
05-23-2010, 10:46 PM
DO NOT MOVE OUT. go talk to a lawyer. if she wants to end your marriage that you want to stay in then stay put in your house that you paid for let her leave. let her support herself. again discuss this with a lawyer before you do anything.

Jazcat
05-23-2010, 10:53 PM
wow how horrible for you have you asked for cousenling that way you can show that you will try to keep marriage in tact. This is bad my stepmom did the same thing to my dad they got married he had the house she quit working to raise us but just quit without talking with my dad. and she did get half of everything because her parents hired her a good lawyer. so hire a good lawyer

huskies90
05-23-2010, 10:56 PM
DO NOT MOVE OUT. go talk to a lawyer. if she wants to end your marriage that you want to stay in then stay put in your house that you paid for let her leave. let her support herself. again discuss this with a lawyer before you do anything.
I can't imagine any scenario where I would get her to move out but that would be ideal and I know my kids would rather be with me but again, that is probably not going to happen. While I am always up for a good fight, I am not up for giving everything to a couple of lawyers which is what always ends up happening when you try to fight.

huskies90
05-23-2010, 11:00 PM
wow how horrible for you have you asked for cousenling that way you can show that you will try to keep marriage in tact.
I have asked every day to go to counseling; together, independently or whatever. She won't do it.

disneydreamersx4
05-23-2010, 11:06 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Try to stay strong and think of your new life with your kids.....focus on them. I hope things work out for you.

gk90
05-23-2010, 11:08 PM
I don't know anything about the financial side of it, but is there any way you could try and get her to stay a little longer for the sake of the kids? Conventional wisdom used to be that it was better for couples in an unhappy marriage to get divorced and staying together for the kids' sake was bad for them, but there's research now that says it's actually better to try to stay for the kids:
http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htm
and more info on that as a divorce myth here:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

And an interesting study that says that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

Sending good thoughts for things to work out for you and your kids.:grouphug:

Cruise
05-23-2010, 11:11 PM
I guess I come to this from the other side of the coin. Yes, my DH has been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. Does that mean I didn't contribute?

Your wife gave you two children. She stayed home to take care of them. How much would full-time child care have cost you for the first 5 years of each of their lives and then part-time care till this point? I can only assume that, being at home, your wife did the lion's share of the housework including cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of any pets you may have. Then I'm guessing she's also your children's "tutor," helping with homework after school and being a chauffeur to any after school activities. Without all these things, your wife probably could have also advanced to a place in her career where she no longer needed any additional support in order to make it by on her own - but she didn't. Instead, she stayed home and did those things for your family.

Ultimately, if you two do split, only the two of you can decide what is "fair." But please keep in mind that she may feel like she has "sacrificed" a part of herself over the years as well which has put her in a situation where she can't make as much as she could have had she been the one that could pursue her career for the past 13 years.

Good luck to you and your family.

lorac4disney
05-23-2010, 11:19 PM
No real advice, but I do want you to know that we are here for you.

Just a few things to think about though. Is there anything that she has ever said at any point which would give you a starting point as something to work on in order to make yourself into someone she would want to be with? I'm talking about if there was anything that she complained about? Could she be going through a mid-life crisis?

I hate to admit it, but DH and I hit rocky patches as well. Went so far as to file for divorce, have temporary hearings, and trying to settle on the final agreement. In court, DH requested that we attend divorce counseling so that we could continue to work together for the best interest of our child. I had absolutely no interest in saving the marriage so it really helped that he stopped pressuring me to take him back and instead focused on what was in our daughter's best interest. The counselor was very good. Go whether she wants to go or not. At least that is what my DH did.

After a while, I was impressed that DH was going to change for the better regardless of whether I was with him or not. After a while, I got to thinking that I didn't want anyone to enjoy the much improved DH after I had been the one who had put up with him at his worst. If anyone gets that benefit, it should be me. I had earned it.

DH and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this year. We wouldn't have made it this far had it not been for how he handled things.

lizerbug
05-23-2010, 11:20 PM
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have to agree with a previous post. Get a lawyer. It will most likely cost you less in the long run. When my ex-husband and I divorced, I never asked for a cent. I left and supported myself and my daughter. I know that not every woman would do this though. Think about it this way. Your life is not over. You have a future. Don't waste it. You've done what you can. Stay in the house, get a lawyer, and begin the rest of your life. Be the best father you can be. Ask for AT LEAST joint custody. There's no reason why a judge wouldn't award joint custody. You have no problem supporting the children financially and it sounds like you're a good parent. Don't give your wife any more of your life, the rest of it belongs to you. Good luck....

huskies90
05-23-2010, 11:21 PM
I guess I come to this from the other side of the coin. Yes, my DH has been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. Does that mean I didn't contribute?

Your wife gave you two children. She stayed home to take care of them. How much would full-time child care have cost you for the first 5 years of each of their lives and then part-time care till this point? I can only assume that, being at home, your wife did the lion's share of the housework including cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of any pets you may have. Then I'm guessing she's also your children's "tutor," helping with homework after school and being a chauffeur to any after school activities. Without all these things, your wife probably could have also advanced to a place in her career where she no longer needed any additional support in order to make it by on her own - but she didn't. Instead, she stayed home and did those things for your family.

Ultimately, if you two do split, only the two of you can decide what is "fair." But please keep in mind that she may feel like she has "sacrificed" a part of herself over the years as well which has put her in a situation where she can't make as much as she could have had she been the one that could pursue her career for the past 13 years.

I agree with this if it was me who was kicking her out. Everything you state screams partnership. That is why you give up your career for you family - partnership.

Cruise
05-23-2010, 11:27 PM
I agree with this if it was me who was kicking her out. Everything you state screams partnership. That is why you give up your career for you family - partnership.

So because you made the money, you're the one who gets to decide if it ends? Your wife isn't entitled to her feelings or try to change a situation that makes her unhappy?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying.... Are you saying she didn't do these things and therefore wasn't a partner? Otherwise, I'm confused. Because if she did, then you're saying she was a partner and therefore equally involved in getting you both to the place you are today.

Cruise
05-23-2010, 11:37 PM
In any event, the answer you're really looking for is, no, Connecticut is not a community property state. It is an equitable distribution state which means the court can decide division of assets due to circumstances such as who contributed what to the marriage, the length of the marriage, both spouses potential for income, etc.

If your wife is asking for half and you feel that isn't fair, then your best bet is going to be to go to court and present your reasons and have assets divided that way.

huskies90
05-23-2010, 11:38 PM
So because you made the money, you're the one who gets to decide if it ends? Your wife isn't entitled to her feelings or try to change a situation that makes her unhappy?
Sure. She can do (and will do) whatever she wants...

huskies90
05-23-2010, 11:42 PM
No real advice, but I do want you to know that we are here for you.

Thank you...That is why I love the Budget Board!!!

DVCBELLE
05-23-2010, 11:50 PM
As a SAHM, I have to agree that while my DH does bring home all the money - I still play a large part in our house. It was a JOINT decision for me to stay home with our kids. I am willing to bet that in the last 18 years that she did a lot of things to save you money as a family. You know expenses like daycare, lunches out, wardrobe, gas, cleaning service, car wear and tear, etc.

I understand your hurt - I really do but to say she doesn't deserve a fair share of what you two have built sounds HORRIBLE to me.

I hate to be blunt here - but that might be part of the problem. It seems to me that you don't view your wife as an equal partner in your marriage and she has probably felt that way for quite some time. Has she ever expressed this to you?

You don't just stop loving someone - even if it was another man - she didn't just stop loving you.

Man up and take a good inventory of your life and how you have contributed to the current problems in your marriage. Has she never really told you before what the problems are?

I have done everything possible since to try to turn things around but it has been an uphill battle and it is getting worse every day.

I have a girlfriend getting divorced and she had expressed her feelings to her husband for YEARS and he never took them seriously - until the day she told him she wanted a divorce. Since then she said he has totally turned around (particularly with the kids) and she said it makes her sick. That clearly he had it in him all along but he didn't care enough to try when she still loved him.

ETA: Rereading this - I am sorry if I come off as harsh - think of it as tough love ;) I think b/c I am seeing it from a SAHM point of view - I got a little upset - but I do still stand by my opinion. I can sit here and tell you how bad I feel or maybe I can tell you a personal experience that might get you thinking! Good luck - I am really sorry you are going through this!!

Mickey527
05-24-2010, 12:13 AM
CT is a real tough state for men. I will tell you my stories:
My ex left me when my boys were 2,6 and 8 and I fought tooth and nail to get the house. He didn't want custody. just wanted me out of the house. All he asked for was that the house be sold and money split, he didn't care where we went after that. I didn't ask for alimony, just money to support the boys until I finished school. I had quit college to be a housewife for almost 13 years and had to go back to finish. He wasn't happy but the judge did give me the kids and child support ($200 a month so I wasn't living high on the hog)
My now 33 year old is fighting daily for his son's custody. he has it now but she is bipolar and refuses meds. She gets released from the hospital goes to court and gets custody back then goes bipolar again and he has to do it all over again. They said they will never take custody away from her permanently, in the state of CT they feel the mother should be allowed to raise their children as long as they show desire. So he pays his lawyer $2,000 every 3rd month to get custody and has been doing this for the past 3 years.
Now for you: don't leave the house, file for divorce and ask for full custody. She might ask too but if you show that you want it it will give you leverage, my ex didn't even ask and it made him look bad.
File before she does, don't wait to get served. She doesn't sound like she is going to back down, so let her know that you accept it and will fight for what is yours. CT is a no fault state, so you don't have to show reason or fault, just that you want the marriage dissolved.
In CT all involved have to go to councelling before they are granted a divorce. Your lawyer will tell you how to schedule this when you file.
they will also set up something for your children if they are over 12. They do take into account what the children want, if it is living with you or her. Don't bring it up with them, and hopefully your wife won't because that can't be good for the kids, but let them know you will be there for them for anything they need and whatever they decide. And believe me, they will say some bad things about both of you before this is all done, don't take it to heart, they are going to be hurting too.
Your lawyer will tell you what you have to do with your savings etc... Don't take it out, but talk to the bank and see if you can put a freeze on it so she can't either. My ex SIL cleared out my brother and her savings 2 months before she filed. He never looked at the accounts so he didn't notice till it was all gone. She did it before she filed so the court couldn't make her give it back.
Hope this helps. There is a father's group that will give you names of lawyers in your area that will help you fight. I am a female but I see what it has done to my son both financially and mentally, so I hate to see a man get burned too

huskies90
05-24-2010, 12:18 AM
First, she was a SAHM but kept her job and worked part time and I never said she shouldn't get half of what we saved. It just hurts that it has to be split in half. I would be OK selling our house and splitting the nest egg in half but that is not why you save and save for years just split it half (ya know, total more than the sum of its parts deal). And I know it will go down that way when all is said and done. I am not an idiot. But what I am not crazy about is supporting her now for the next 10 years which is usually how that works (1/2 the term of the marriage). Again, yes I get she is entitled but now I have to start my life over and have to climb that hill. Plus, i'll be the one who has to leave my house and my kids even though I am happy where I am. I get she gets all that and is entitled. I get that. Thank you. It just (insert bad word here).

As for the why's those are all good points and good questions. It is definately partially a mid life crisis. It is also that our marriage has not been the most exciting marriage in the world. Plus she went from her parents to me with almost no time for "fun" in between. She met a guy who is in a marriage that is ending that is home all day and he is going out of his way to spend time with her. She is liking all the attention that yes, perhaps I wasn't giving her as much in recent years. That happens after 18 years. So that is what I was trying to change, being more attentive to her and giving her more space. But giving her more space just met she is spending more time with the other guy and like the PP said, me being more attentive is just making her sick to the point where she is saying stop you are trying too hard. Maybe this is just an infatuation and it will blow over. She has not requested anything surrounding divorce other than her actions that she does not want to be around me. I think if she had her way, I would just continue to be her roomate and help pay the mortgage for her. I am sure she knows that a divorce will be tough on both of us financially (at least compared to how we live now) and of course, will be hard on our kids as well.

huskies90
05-24-2010, 12:25 AM
CT is a real tough state for men. I will tell you my stories:
My ex left me when my boys were 2,6 and 8 and I fought tooth and nail to get the house. He didn't want custody. just wanted me out of the house. All he asked for was that the house be sold and money split, he didn't care where we went after that. I didn't ask for alimony, just money to support the boys until I finished school. I had quit college to be a housewife for almost 13 years and had to go back to finish. He wasn't happy but the judge did give me the kids and child support ($200 a month so I wasn't living high on the hog)
My now 33 year old is fighting daily for his son's custody. he has it now but she is bipolar and refuses meds. She gets released from the hospital goes to court and gets custody back then goes bipolar again and he has to do it all over again. They said they will never take custody away from her permanently, in the state of CT they feel the mother should be allowed to raise their children as long as they show desire. So he pays his lawyer $2,000 every 3rd month to get custody and has been doing this for the past 3 years.
Now for you: don't leave the house, file for divorce and ask for full custody. She might ask too but if you show that you want it it will give you leverage, my ex didn't even ask and it made him look bad.
File before she does, don't wait to get served. She doesn't sound like she is going to back down, so let her know that you accept it and will fight for what is yours. CT is a no fault state, so you don't have to show reason or fault, just that you want the marriage dissolved.
In CT all involved have to go to councelling before they are granted a divorce. Your lawyer will tell you how to schedule this when you file.
they will also set up something for your children if they are over 12. They do take into account what the children want, if it is living with you or her. Don't bring it up with them, and hopefully your wife won't because that can't be good for the kids, but let them know you will be there for them for anything they need and whatever they decide. And believe me, they will say some bad things about both of you before this is all done, don't take it to heart, they are going to be hurting too.
Your lawyer will tell you what you have to do with your savings etc... Don't take it out, but talk to the bank and see if you can put a freeze on it so she can't either. My ex SIL cleared out my brother and her savings 2 months before she filed. He never looked at the accounts so he didn't notice till it was all gone. She did it before she filed so the court couldn't make her give it back.
Hope this helps. There is a father's group that will give you names of lawyers in your area that will help you fight. I am a female but I see what it has done to my son both financially and mentally, so I hate to see a man get burned too
Awesome post. Thank you very much.

cm8
05-24-2010, 12:50 AM
op, :hug:, I hope that you will get some peace in your heart and your mind. Will be thinking of you and praying for your strength!

leebee
05-24-2010, 06:52 AM
I don't have a lot to offer other than :hug::hug:. You sound like a guy who woke up one morning and the rules for the game had changed without your input. To me, it sounds like you had your normal, everyday marriage, the kind I think the majority of the world has: The "thrill" might be diminished, but was replaced by a steady, long-term security that is, to me, better than fireworks every day. DH and I have struggled sometimes, as work or home life has gone in a different direction for one or the other, but fortunately out paths have always rejoined and we've moved forward together (mostly... he still doesn't get my WDW addiction :rolleyes1)

My brother went through a messy divorce in Maine and ended up on the VERY short end of the stick. Here are some suggestions, learned the hard way, from his point of view:

DON'T LEAVE, don't move out. Many courts see that as abandonment. Stay in the house, keep raising your kids. Chances are good that she will get custody, being the mother (courts are VERY short-sighted here), but a good lawyer should be able to get you joint custody or might get the judge to let the kids chime in on where/with whom they want to live.

My brother gave up his house, in exchange for not making the mortgage payments on it any longer. Yup, he lost his equity, but he also didn't have to pay for others to live in a house that he owns but cannot live in.

He also offered child support but said no to alimony, as the ex-SIL is the one who started the divorce proceedings. He still pays for the kids' medical/dental insurance premiums, but they split the costs not covered by the insurance (this is new- he was covering all medical and dental until she took all 4 kids for braces without consulting him...).

SIL ended up with the kids, and it was messy. She accused him of abuse and he had to fight long and hard to get visitation. The court decided the 2 oldest kids could choose to see him (and they won't... psychologist was concerned that the kids talked about themselves as "we", but the court didn't listen...) but they have shared custody of the 2 youngest. He sees them every other weekend and they apportion vacation time; he gets them during school vacation (he teaches, they homeschool so it works), shared time at holidays and summer. Not perfect but as they live in the same town, it works.

Brother offered half of the bank accounts and existing retirement accounts (petty amount, actually) but protected his future retirement savings and his social security. Why should he be required in the future to support someone he's not related to?

GO TO COUNSELING. It worked in my brother's favor; he wanted to stay married and try, but she refused and it didn't look good in court. I think this helped him with settlement on alimony, house, etc.

You sound like a reasonable kind of guy... so try to keep it reasonable, but do not let yourself be (small, rotational connecting device) and don't feel guilty and let yourself be walked on for the sake of peace. This is a terrible time for you, and you need a lawyer to represent you. The courts don't always view things the way regular people do. Don't view it as money down a hole (and don't get stuck with her lawyer fees... be clear about that right up front). Best of luck- it's gonna be painful, regardless of how smoothly things could go. Here's some more :hug::hug::hug:.

Joyful3Heart
05-24-2010, 09:33 AM
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you're beginning to realize what part you played in the demise of your marriage, AND it sounds like you're willing to fight for it. I believe that infidelity is rarely the main problem, it is just a symptom of a marriage in trouble. Here are my suggestions:

1. If she won't see a counselor, go yourself. You will need to be the best YOU that you can be in the coming months.
2. Get an attorney. You don't necessarily need to file for divorce, but this way you find out all of your rights and have the ability to respond quickly to any move she makes.
3. Lay everything on the table. Admit your failings to her and tell her you would like her forgiveness and then make every action you take reflect the man you want to be. Ask her to stop seeing the other guy and to give you time to prove you mean business.
4. Do NOT sit back and allow this to linger on. An "open" marriage is not a marriage.

If she refuses to quit seeing the guy, file for legal separation and see if she will enter divorce counseling. She may be more willing to enter counseling if she sees it as a way to end the marriage rather than preserve it. Keep seeing your own counselor throught this time. Yes, you will probably have to pay spousal support. But this will give you time to sort things out before an actual divorce, and will stop letting her think that the status quo is okay with you.

My heart goes out to you and your children and I pray that no matter the outcome, that you come through stronger and more self aware, and ready for the next chapter of your life! :goodvibes

JesB
05-24-2010, 10:03 AM
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce is hard on everybody. When I decided to divorce my husband it was worlds different from your situation. He was abusive and my DS and I packed what we could and ran. I gave up everything in the divorce in order to have DS with visitation only for my husband. Because of this I rarely recieve child support and he never sees or calls DS (by his choice, I even got DS his own phone early on so that they could talk). Having said all that I don't belive in alimony if she's working than she can support herself. I work a full time job, a part-time job, go to school, and home school my son it can be done. Child support is different each parent should contribute to the child emotionally and financially. The kids should be the main focus in a divorce, how they're handling the change, and their views on it.

In my opinion I would contact a lawyer as soon as possible and attend consuling sessions for yourself and your children wither or not she wants to or not. I would also not move out of the house, the person requesting the divorce should be the one to move out. You will probably have to give up half your assests, a good lawyer will help sort all that out and save alot of fighting in the end. Good luck to you I'm praying for the best for you and your children.:goodvibes

dfchelbay
05-24-2010, 10:34 AM
Why do you have to support her for the next ten years? She has a full time job doesn't she? All you should really have to pay is child support pursuant to both your wages, and an equitable distribution of marital property. If I were you, I would accept nothing less than joint legal and joint physical custody of your children. I would also petition for joint economic too. If you have your children 50% of the time, that is what is fair as far as child support goes. Also, don't move out of the house. Neither of you should take on this expense until you HAVE TO. If you're getting along, than this should not be an issue at this time, and not something the two of you should be doing...for economics sake.

I wish you all the best. I know this is a difficult time. :grouphug:

badblackpug
05-24-2010, 11:02 AM
As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! Things aren't so cut and dried in divorce and custody hearings any more. Courts are are more inclined to try to keep relationships with fathers together, that may mean that you get custody or at least joint custody. If you leave the house she will get it. Tell her if she is unhappy, she is more than welcome to leave, but she cannot take the children.

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.

Get yourself and your kids into counseling. Invite your wife to attend, but again, you can lead a horse to water.....

I think some folks are being a little rough on the OP. While I know that many of us are coming from a position of bad divorces, please try to understand his point of view. I don't think the OP ever negated his wife's role in their marriage, but after having been blindsided with "I don't love you, I have a boyfriend, I want a divorce," the OP is entitled to a little anger, hurt, and resentment. It's only natural.

ThanksForNoticingMe
05-24-2010, 11:11 AM
As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!! Things aren't so cut and dried in divorce and custody hearings any more. Courts are are more inclined to try to keep relationships with fathers together, that may mean that you get custody or at least joint custody. If you leave the house she will get it. Tell her if she is unhappy, she is more than welcome to leave, but she cannot take the children.

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.

Get yourself and your kids into counseling. Invite your wife to attend, but again, you can lead a horse to water.....

I think some folks are being a little rough on the OP. While I know that many of us are coming from a position of bad divorces, please try to understand his point of view. I don't think the OP ever negated his wife's role in their marriage, but after having been blindsided with "I don't love you, I have a boyfriend, I want a divorce," the OP is entitled to a little anger, hurt, and resentment. It's only natural.

:thumbsup2

sydneysmom
05-24-2010, 11:19 AM
I am SO very sorry for what you are going through. :hug: Five years ago my now ex DH called me on my way home from work and said "it's just not working out, I really think I just never loved you". Yes, I was IN THE CAR driving home. I thought that someone had kicked me in the chest. Now, everyone says "well, you probably saw signs that it was coming". Nope. Two weeks before we were in Disney world actually. We didn't have the best time and he seemed preoccupied, but I really didn't think he didn't love me! :confused3

So I can truly imagine the pain and confusion you're dealing with. In my case, my father in law called me and told me to change the locks on the house and make sure that the savings was in my name only until everything was worked out. ( because I was the bill payer). His theory ( and this was HIS father mind you) was that since I had to make sure the bills were paid, don't let him empty the account.

In my case it turned out that he found people on these online dating websites. He's got bigger issues, but I won't go into that here. But I was not going to let his crap ruin me. I got an excellent lawer. One thing you MUST do is never tip your hand. And I say that from experience. If you suspect she's having an affair, hire a PI. They are not that expensive and any good lawyer can put you in contact w/ one. But the information they gather can help you later on. YOU are the victim here. So don't let her be in the drivers seat. Maintain your composure and at all times act with class and dignity. Let your lawyer handle the nasty stuff.

I agree with PP's though...don't leave your house. even if you have to sleep on the couch. As hard as it is, it IS your home too. I wish you all the luck in world. Please know this. As extremely painful as this is, a wonderful new world is going to open up to you. If this never had happened to me, I'd have never met my DH and get a beautiful wonderful step daughter. in the end, the pain turned to a blessing. I wish the same for you. :hug:

bunny
05-24-2010, 11:32 AM
Financially you will be screwed. She will get 1/2 of everything, probably get to keep the house, and you will pay her 30% or more of your income in child support and possibly even more in alimony. On top of that, you will probably only get to see your kids a few times a month unless she agrees to joint custody. I am not trying to be negative- just realistic. Your best bet is to do everything you can to hold your marriage together. You also may want to find a discussion board on the internet devoted to men going through divorces. Lastly don't give in on anything. Fight her if you need to. I see too many men walk away from their homes thinking that is best for the kids and start over themselves in two bedroom apartments. I don't think the courts will care if she is having an affair. As one of the previous posters wrote, the courts like to give custody to the mom if she is at all able to handle it.

BTW, hugs!!! My husband went through this same thing 16 years ago. His wife left him for her high school boyfriend who was in the Air Force. Shortly after the divorce, her boyfriend (new husband) got transferred to Korea. We spent thousands of dollars fighting her and lost every single time. We barely ever saw or talked to the kids, but in 13 years never missed one child support payment even though at times it was a financial hardship for us. My husband had to basically start over at the age of 35. They split the assests but after the legal battle there wasn't much left. Hopefully times have changed, but the courts basically looked at him as a paycheck.

heatherleigh
05-24-2010, 11:47 AM
So sorry to hear about your situation. I haven't been in it, but can imagine since I have a family. If no papers have been filed so far, do you think maybe you can take some of the $ you had saved, and put it in someone else's name who you trust? Obviously, I wouldn't take a large amount, but something would be better than nothing.

I'm a big fan of separate accounts with spouses, because it cuts down on so many problems. Last year, I started laundering a bit of money (I'm a sahm) each time I made a purchase. My purpose was to built up enough so I'd have my own spending money, for the kids and I. We then could use it for miscellaneous purposes and I wouldn't have to "ask". I had over a grand, but wound up having to use it in the end. My point is, even if you took a grand or two and put it away, it would help. You can put it aside for your kids' college.

I hope everything works out for you in the end. That is so tough. I just talked to a friend the other day, and she told me she filed for divorce last week. I'm still in shock about it. It's just so hard on the kids. I've read the same article one of the prior posters put up that gave statistics on children and divorces. It isn't pretty. However, I do understand that this is out of your control as to whether or not to work it out since your spouse has already made the decision. Good luck w/ everything.

huskies90
05-24-2010, 12:05 PM
Wow!! So many great posts, advice and comments. Thank you to everyone for making me feel better about myself and what is going on. I will try to comment on everyone’s post without quoting.

First, my understanding that after equalizing the future potential income, the higher earner is on the hook for half the term of the marriage which in our case, I rounded up to 10 years.

Second, if there were things I could do to keep us and our family together I would do it and I have said that 100 times. However, the only thing she wants is “space” to do whatever she wants. Not seeing the other guy whom she claims is just a “friend” is not an option as I have tried that.

I am now thinking that she may have started the ball rolling because she took a day off last week from a job that she has almost no vacation time to do “personal things”. She may have been seeing a lawyer. So, I might not get to be the first to serve. What does that mean for me??

So, I agree with everyone on two things, 1) get a lawyer. I already got a few names. 2) Get me and the kids into counseling. I don’t know what she will do about that.

Yes I am shocked and blindsided. While our marriage wasn’t perfect, I would classify us as “happily married” throughout the whole 18 years. Right up until the last three months. So when she told me this, it was a shock. I am still in shock. But also, while she wants “time” and “space” I will not let this linger and I will fight for everything. I am not laying down. Ultimately, if I could keep the house and kids and pay her off somehow that would be my best case. I know it will not end that way but I will go in shooting high and work it down from there.

And finally, again, thanks for all the kind words and encouragement I really love this community and consider all of you friends (even posters who make nasty comments)…And if anyone in Connecticut is interesting in hanging out with a 41 year good looking Disney freak, pm me…

mom2febgirls
05-24-2010, 12:24 PM
As PPs have said

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!!

HIRE AN ATTORNEY, NOW!!!!! From your earlier post it sounds like you are giving up. Do not roll over and play dead. Things may not work out exactly how you would like, but I guarantee you that if you do not at least put up a fight she will get everything she wants. Filing for custody will, at least, show the court that you are interested in raising your children, and again, things aren't so cut and dried any more. Courts are looking more into the best interests of the children, not just automatically awarding custody to the moms.


A friend of mine was a SAHM and she was trying to play nice and moved out. Well, her ex has custody of their 3 children, the house and she pays him child support.

My advice is to GET A GOOD LAWYER...even if you don't want to fight, you need to make sure you aren't the one who gets the shaft because she does.

punkin
05-24-2010, 12:39 PM
I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce sucks.

kkwis2
05-24-2010, 01:01 PM
:grouphug: First I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is an incredibly exhausting place to be in life. You go through the motions of the day, but pretty much every thought relates to this situation.

We have a good friend to whom something very similar happened just this past fall. Out of no where his wife of 8 years had begun to act differently to the point that he became suspicious. He checked her phone and e-mail and found that there messages and long phone conversations during the day (while he was at work). Eventually what came out was that she was "spending time" with a "client." They did attend a couple of counseling sessions, but she didn't like that the counselor asked her some pretty tough questions, so she stopped going. Our friend continued counseling by himself, though, and has really learned a lot about himself, his coping mechanisms and communication style, etc. It has made a huge difference in how he has been able to handle things.

He did not want the marriage to end. He was willing to do just about anything to make it work. He didn't want his son (5 yrs old) to wonder why Daddy didn't try harder to stay with Mommy. His feeling was the same as yours, "She is the one cheating and wanting a divorce, so why am I the one who loses the house, the dogs, seeing his son every day, etc." In one of their counseling sessions, his wife said she couldn't stop seeing this guy. Her "heart hurt just thinking about it". To which he thought, "And what about me? What what you're doing to me?" He didn't want to push her away, so he just let things go as they were. She would be gone for hours at a time, overnight sometimes, with no explanation. He thought it was probably just a fling and that she would get past the infatuation and come back to him. I didn't understand how he could accept that. But like I said, he wanted to do anything he could to make it work. We warned him about becoming a doormat. You can't let her crap all over you in the name of trying to make things work.

To make a long story short, he finally decided that he had had enough. She was still seeing the guy, and the home situation was getting more and more frustrating. He had made sure to start documenting, documenting, documenting everything - how often he had his son, what they did - museums, zoos, games, etc., when she came home after he needed to leave for work (which meant he had to stay home with their son and be late for work), in short anything that might come up in court to help him get AT LEAST partial custody. They have started divorce proceedings. They have sold their house, and he bought a smaller one in the same neighborhood. It is not what he wanted. He stills thinks that his wife is/was wonderful and that he will never find someone as wonderful as her again. I still don't understand how he can feel that way after everything he's gone through, but I hope that he will eventually find the person with whom he is truly meant to be.

I don't know how this will help you other than knowing that you not alone in being taken completely by surprise. I agree with others that you need to find a great counselor and a great lawyer and allow them both to help you make good decisions at a very difficult and emtional time. Good luck to you.

Mickey527
05-24-2010, 01:16 PM
Well it is good to see that you are getting such good responses and that you have made some plans for seeing a lawyer.
Someone wrote that you should get a PI. Don't waste your money, CT is a no fault state and she can be sleeping with 500 guys in your bedroom and that won't change a thing. It also won't change her right to custody which is terrible but the way it is in CT. Remember, my son is a fantastic dad and has full custody now but the bipolar mother has just as many rights as he. As soon as she can prove she has a place to live (she has been thrown out of all the shelters in the area and lives in her car now) and has been taking her medications (she got the first script last week but he can't prove she is taking them and doubts she is since she is now pregnant by one of her homeless shelter friends) she can go and get custody of my grandson back again.
Hey, I'm from CT and love Disney, but I'm almost 56. I would recommend my son but he hates Disney. Not sure where he came from, must be his father's son.

MEM
05-24-2010, 01:34 PM
Your situation sounds a lot like my sister's. My EX-B-i-L came home one day and told her he had been seeing another woman for the past year and wanted a divorce so that they could get married(!) He had already hired an attorney, a particularly aggressive one (rabid, I would say). Both he and my sister are employed full-time with good jobs. My sister always put the max into her 401K and he put nothing into his. Yet, his attorney managed to convince the judge that my sister had to give half of her 401K to her ex. EX b-i-l stopped paying his half of the mortgage because his fiancee already had a house (this would be her third marriage). My sister stopped paying her half (dumb), assuming her ex would not allow the house to go to sheriff's auction (wrong). My sister now lives with our Mom. Fortunately, I guess, her kids are in college and custody was not an issue. He is also "too broke" to contribute to their educations.

In these uncertain times, a really effective lawyer is worth his/her weight in gold. Otherwise, you could lose whatever is most important to you and it would be very hard to get it back. As others have said, don't settle for less than joint custody and let her move out if she's so unhappy.

And one more thing: be very careful who you confide in. My sister is still friends with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law and confided certain things to them that I believe made it back to her ex and gave him the upper hand in the negotiations.

disney-super-mom
05-24-2010, 01:43 PM
When it comes to spousal support for half the term of the marriage, 10 years in your case, that is not necessarily always the case. You and your attorney can put limitations on that.

For example a typical agreement would be you pay $xxx.xx per month in spousal support until such and such a date (10 years from now), or until your ex-wife is cohabitating with another adult who isn't a direct decendent (meaning a female room mate, a boyfriend, a husband, or anyone that isn't one of her own children). It doesn't matter who she co-habitates with....if she's living with someone else (someone moves in with her or she moves in with someone), then the spousal support ends at that time.

ccgirl
05-24-2010, 01:54 PM
As others have said, get a lawyer and document everything. So sorry this has happened to you. Do not move out as that is sometimes seen as abandonment. Also, do not file first. I think this whole spousal support thing is hog wash. She has a job and can support herself. My SIL tried this. I told her to grow up and get her own job and support herself. The judge agreed, and told her she had a good career that she willingly gave up and she can start work again. She also tried to get part of his 401K, again...denied. They have joint custody. It is a calculation of how much he has to pay in child support. Good luck to you and your children. As a child of divorced parents, sometimes it is better for the kids when their parents get divorced. That way, they have two happy parents even though they don't live together rather than two miserable parents who stay together and fight all the time. Not saying you would, but never put your children in the middle or say disparaging remarks about your wife. Again, good luck to you.

lizerbug
05-24-2010, 04:52 PM
Well, throughout this thread I have read some good advice and posted some of my own. It sounds as if you're taking the right steps. Let me add something here - go see a lawyer ASAP. It would be nice if you never had to use him/her, but have one ready just in case. I have read between the lines also. She is not being honest and you are trying your best to be. That's the worst part I think, the trust you had isn't there anymore. I'm so sad for you.

One more thing, and I know this from experience. Don't say anything negative about her to the kids, she'll use it against you. Don't give her that kind of ammunition. Not to mention that it might hurt the children. Again, good luck and keep us posted if you like :angel:

nunzia
05-24-2010, 05:55 PM
Well, just my 2 cents..for whatever reason she wants to end the marriage. Yes, you were partners for 18 years and she contributed greatly by being a good Mom and staying home. I feel whoever wants to end the marriage should be the one leaving. The kids are old enough to choose for themselves, and their wishes should certainly be taken into consideration. Lawyers need to be called and hopefully work with you both, with you both being kind and realizing you have a valuable history and kids you need to be civil for. Things should be split up fairly with responsiblility on both sides for the marriage and what was accomplished and the marriage being split up. No one leaves a happy marriage and no one is ever blameless, but peole can be civil and realize it isn't about them, it's about the kids they brought into the world and the situation they put them in.
I hope you can come to a friendly split and that the kids are kept foremost in the proceedings. Best of luck.

Whistle
05-24-2010, 06:19 PM
I went through a similiar situation about 2 years ago. I thought my almost 18 year marriage was fine (honestly didn't have a clue that anything was "amiss"), but my husband was living a double life (including a young girlfriend)-- I was shocked (and devastated) at the time.

I wanted counseling, and we started immediately. He said he was sorry, etc. etc. etc. I honestly thought we had hit our "bottom" and would climb our way out together . . . fast forward two months, and I discover the affair had continued. He left . . .

You need to start NOW to get the ball rolling to protect yourself and the children. Get a calendar and start documenting (everything)- you going to counseling, etc. I would DEFINITELY get a P.I. NOW. Here in the state of Virginia, you do NOT have to pay spousal support (alimony) if the cause of the affair is adultery or abandonment. Keep "playing the game" while you are getting your ducks in a row. If you have money in a savings account, I would draw out half (no more than that) and put it in an account in your name ONLY so she can not have access to it. Start MOVING NOW!

Remember that anything you say out loud or put in writing (on the internet, email, text, etc.) can be admissable in a court of law so do NOT put anything out there that you would not want to have to defend in a court of law. I am not saying you are doing this, but just be careful!

I KNOW firsthand how raw and emotionally draining this is for you. I KNOW how devastating it is. It is even worse for the children. Do not do anything or say anything negative about your spouse (even if she does)-- it will not help the children. Both my (soon to be) ex and I have done very well with this. He is a good father. I would LOVE it if he would take this house (and the high mortgage payment) with 100% of the equity it will bring and get my name off it so I could just "start over". I do NOT like having to have spousal support in order to provide for my children. Of all people in the world to depend on, I do not like that it has to be him. However, he will not do this, and so I do get spousal and child support. So there it is . . .

Now my road 2 years later is vastly different . . . I am stronger than I ever thought, I am a better mom, and I know I can stand on my own two feet.

If your wife is set on leaving, hold your head high and start making a path for yourself. But, start planning NOW!!!! Do not wait for her to act (she probably already has!)

Please, really consider that P.I. I wish you the best of luck and offer my support and prayers!

ceecee
05-24-2010, 07:46 PM
Consult an attorney. Get at least joint custody if you feel you want your kids, the courts don't always side with the mom.
Do not move out. A good friend of mine actually paid the mortgage on his ex-wife and her new boyfriend to live in their house for a year. She refused to pay the mortgage and so he did it (they owned 1/2 and the other 1/2 was a mortgage) she was supposed to buy him out but during the divorce she refused to pay anything toward the house.

DawnM
05-24-2010, 07:50 PM
So sorry!
:grouphug:

Purseval
05-24-2010, 08:19 PM
Cancel any credit cards that aren't solely in your name. Same with joint checking accounts. Set up separate accounts and move money in as necessary to pay the bills. If she decides to pay for her new life with a credit card you could be stuck with the bill, don't let that happen.

Also, stand your ground. If she wants to leave, point the way to the door. Let her be the one who sleeps on the couch, it was her idea. Once minds are made up it can turn into a bloodsport REAL fast, be ready for it.

Finally keep in mind that, in spite of all the advice, we are only hearing one side of the story so you could easily be the bad guy and the 10 years she stayed with you was 9 years 364 days too long. So I'm not taking sides just giving advice to the person who asked for it.

irisesareblue
05-24-2010, 10:03 PM
Can imagine what you are going through - have been down that road before. Here in Canada our laws are different, and I know I am going to sound harsh. No one wins in divorce court - consult a lawyer and try to be rational even though you're hurting. Common sense should rule - don't make any agreement in writing (incl. email) without first consulting a lawyer. A lawyer will have your best interests at heart and will be able to see the situation clearly. To begin with, don't avoid any legal document service - be friendly to the process server - he can make you look bad in court if you avoid him and you want to appear non-hostile to the courts.

Unless your lawyer suggests it, don't bother with a PI - it will be a waste of money if it's not going to make a difference in a decision from the courts.

Don't move out - if she asks you to move out, suggest that she move into the spare bedroom or basement. If she moves out, even temporarily, it may be considered abandonment and you stand a better chance in court.

The whole thing to do right now is just look at the whole thing logically. Don't let your emotions rule your life right now - scream into your pillow, go out for a run and beat up a punching bag, but be civil to your soon-to-be ex. The kids will appreciate it and you will feel better for it in the long run. Go to counselling to help you deal with the upcoming changes.

Money is not the be-all and end-all of life. Ten years ago, my husband and I basically started out with nothing when we met at ages 35 and 48. We had both been through bad divorces and since getting married 9 years ago, we've built a business, bought a home, have brand new vehicles sitting in the driveway and take frequent vacations - we don't have much for retirement savings but we have found ourselves incredibly happy and appreciative of our relationship and what God has done in our lives. We don't think often of what we lost the first time around but when we do, we realize that having someone to share life with who truly appreciates what they have is an incredible experience.

SunnieRN
05-24-2010, 10:59 PM
When my friend got divorced, the husband asked for and received a judgment stating the wife was able to continue living in the house, with the children, until:

1): The children turned 18, or if they attended junior college while still living at home.

2): The wife remarried or began living with someone.

3): Both parties agreed to sell the property.

Upon the children meeting the criteria agreed upon, the house was to be sold and the equity split between the husband and wife. The husband did not pay spousal support, as the wife had the advantage of living in the house for the contracted time. He did pay child support and cover them on his medical insurance.

When I got divorced, the spousal support I was supposed to pay my ex husband, was offset by the $$ he owed me in respect to the equity in the house. We called it an even wash.

Good luck. Make sure your private assets are as safe as possible as soon as possible. My husband cleared out ALL of our accounts the day before we separated.

pamjb
05-25-2010, 08:34 AM
My hugs to you as well. A dear friend of mine is going thru the same thing. Her husband of almost 24 years told her that he was having an affair with a friend of hers :eek:. Needless to say it has been a very interesing month since all of this happened. My friend had NO CLUE of their financial affairs. Her husband paid all of the bills and handled all the finances. She only got a credit card on her own after I begged her to a few years ago (A Disney Visa, of course). Another friend of hers took her to file for child support, she has already seen a lawyer, and gotten herself and her kids into counseling. She was blindsided by all of this (as we all were), but her kids have found out via text message from the "other woman" that their parents marriage has been a mess for a while.
As I tell my friend, while it seems to be dark right now, you will come out of this a stronger person because of it. Make sure you have someone, anyone to talk to. She does have meltdowns, but that is to be expected. She knows she can call me, or any of our other friends, at any time. You need to find the same outlet. :grouphug:

Kika
05-25-2010, 01:38 PM
Sorry that you are going through this. As someone who went through a similar situation a couple of years ago, I feel I can offer some insight and support. (I was the wife, but I was also the bread winner for the duration of my 15 year marriage and didn't want to pay alimony, lose all of my retirement account, all the equity in my house, etc.) I don't think you will be up a creek financially. I didn't get to read all the replies; there is plenty I can say, but I would say the following are the most important:

1) Get one or more recommendations for a good lawyer and see one immediately.

2.) Don't move out until you determine what is going to be split and how. (If your wife is still in that "new relationship, ga-ga state" over a new guy and wants out that badly, she might want to leave to be with him.)

3.) Most importantly, try to settle things as amicably as possible for your own sanity, for your wallet, and for the sake of your daughters. My divorce was sad, but did not get ugly. It doesn't have to. I don't know much about CT, but in FL, we agreed to everything ahead of time, and my lawyer (my ex didn't even have one) drew up the agreement. It was considered a non-contested divorce, and you are right, it was much less expensive than us hiring lawyers to fight each other and drag things out. We have remained on friendly terms for the sake of our daughter.

Lastly, hang in there. I know it is not easy. You will get through it and come out on the other side. You are probably going through the worst of it right now because you have been blindsided.

mt2
05-25-2010, 02:23 PM
My brother and his ex have joint/shared custody BUT had it written in their divorce decree that if either one moved more than one county away from the other without court approval they would lose custody. This is until the last child turns 18yo. The youngest is now 10yo. My brother did this to make sure she didn't move to Michigan where she has an aunt. She was unvery unhappy!!!


Several judges in N Texas have done this too. There was an article in the paper about mothers and fathers having to turn down promotions because the judge said "No, the other parent doesn't have a job in X city or state. You choose your kids or your job."

Something to think about.

Sorry about your situation.

huskies90
05-25-2010, 03:22 PM
Hi Everyone!! Thanks again for all the great advice and support. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have talked to some friends, my brother who went through a similar situation and my parents all of whom have provided tremendous support. I realize now 1) how much of a role I played in my wife’s actions and 2) no matter what I do or say, things will never be the same. I need to worry about myself and what I can do differently in my life and be less concerned about what she is doing, feeling or thinking. I am on my way to counseling and hope she will do the same if not join me. As of now she is still refusing. I have decided to stay in the house for now but will do everything I can to stay away from her while at the same time being there for my kids; trying to keep it as transparent for them as possible which is the most important thing to me. In the meantime, I will do more for myself and with the kids and just let my wife be...Almost like an in-house separation. If she serves me, fine. I will be ready for it and it will put closure to it. If not, it will either get better or I will take action. It won’t go on forever. I am in a much better place today than I was over the weekend and thank everyone on this board for the help and support.

r&kmommy
05-25-2010, 04:07 PM
I read all the posts and don't have much more to add, other than to tell you good luck, don't leave the house and be there for your kids. They're what's important now. (not that you don't know that already)

Document, document, document. Where she is (or where she tells you she is), if she skips out on a kid's baseball game or misses a school meeting or something, document it.

Please visit www.survivinginfidelity.com and poke around. They are a great community with lots of resources and awesome people (like the Dis!!) who ALL (unfortunately) been in your shoes.

Good luck :)

sk!mom
05-25-2010, 04:18 PM
…and this is also somewhat budget related. But really, I am posting here because the budget board is the best and most compassionate forum on Dis.

From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

First of all, I am so sorry! Will she agree to counseling- at least for the sake of your children?

If not then get a lawyer (a really good one) and start making your plans.

Do not move out of the house! If she wants out, do not make it easy for her. Yes, there will be some sort of financial settlement and you may eventually have to sell the house but don"t move out until you have agreed, with legal advice, on the financial terms of a divorce.

As far as the children, every divorce I'm familiar with in the past 10 years or so involves shared custody. In the four cases that I know best, two families divide it with the children with one parent one week and the other the next. The other two split the week. In all four cases the children have rooms and clothes at both homes and do not pack bags to go back and forth. So hold your ground there as well. Another reason to refuse to move out.

ExPirateShopGirl
05-25-2010, 06:58 PM
I didn't see the thread sooner but I am very glad to see you're doing better. Good idea on the counseling for yourself. She won't go no matter how much you ask. She doesn't want anyone analyzing the fact she's interested in someone else and she wants out. All marriages have lulls. It's not an excuse to seek greener pastures.

Do stay in your home. Don't be sucked into arguments. Do find a reasonable and experienced attorney. Don't worry about her behavior. Do document dates where she informed you of her desire to separate and/or divorce. Don't mention your consultations with others. Do be discreet about discussing your situation with people (only your most trusted friend or two and family). Don't let another week go by without finding some sort of class to take: sailing, Excel, tae kwon do, whatever. You get the idea.

Deep breaths. You'll be fine. :hug:




Hi Everyone!! Thanks again for all the great advice and support. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have talked to some friends, my brother who went through a similar situation and my parents all of whom have provided tremendous support. I realize now 1) how much of a role I played in my wife’s actions and 2) no matter what I do or say, things will never be the same. I need to worry about myself and what I can do differently in my life and be less concerned about what she is doing, feeling or thinking. I am on my way to counseling and hope she will do the same if not join me. As of now she is still refusing. I have decided to stay in the house for now but will do everything I can to stay away from her while at the same time being there for my kids; trying to keep it as transparent for them as possible which is the most important thing to me. In the meantime, I will do more for myself and with the kids and just let my wife be...Almost like an in-house separation. If she serves me, fine. I will be ready for it and it will put closure to it. If not, it will either get better or I will take action. It won’t go on forever. I am in a much better place today than I was over the weekend and thank everyone on this board for the help and support.

Taja
05-25-2010, 09:39 PM
So sorry you are going through this.

You have received a lot of good advice. Get in touch with one of those attorneys and file for divorce as quickly as possible, requesting full custody of the children. Whether that happens or not can be resolved down the road--right now you just want the court to know you want your children!

In addition to not moving out of the house, taking necessary steps to freeze joint assets (be sure to open a separate account for you now--redirect any "direct deposits"), and getting counseling for you and your children (best guess is court will order it for everyone), keep your children first in everything you do. That doesn't mean to allow your wife to walk all over you financially or emotionally (that's why you need a good divorce attorney), but to at least keep the situation between you and your wife as neutral as possible and not involve the children in disputes between the two of you. That can be really hard to do, so I sincerely hope you're able to work things out the best for you and your family.

Need An E Ticket
06-04-2010, 12:44 AM
Sending some late support :grouphug: and hoping things may have improved.
We haven't heard from you in a little while. Stop in if you get a chance and let us now how you are doing.

Melissa
06-04-2010, 07:03 AM
I don't have a lot of financial advice but can say been there done that, it is just a year from when my husband of 15 years decided he hadn't had enough fun in his life and he "loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore" Yeah there was a co worker involved they had been having an emotional affair for a couple months. Now a year later we are divorced ( my doing). I did everything I could to try to fix what I had no clue was broken and when it was obvious I couldn't, I moved fast.
Just wanted to say if can look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you could to save your marriage, get a lawyer and don't delay. People get less sorry fast and you may do better financially the quicker you do it. It does get better, you deserve someone who respects you, loves you and wouldn't cheat on you ( if that is the case.) Marriage is hard and it takes work and if she isn't willing to do that, what have you lost really? So no really good advice just been there done that and it sucks! But it does get better. Hugs!

Oh and for an example of how things often work for cheaters, ExH has gained 50 lbs, works MORE than ever and still mows my lawn, he got all the debt and I got the house. :rotfl: I don't think he is having any more fun.

bettymae1121
06-04-2010, 09:59 AM
Do yourself a HUGE favor and pull your credit reports from all three credit reporting agencies, plus pull the reports for your kids too. Make sure she isn't opening up any new accounts or running up the tab on existing accounts. I've heard of horror stories of spouses running up CC debt in their soon-to-be-ex's name or even worse, stealing their own childrens identity (the kids don't find out about it until they apply for college loans years later). Then once you pull the reports, put fraud alerts on all of you so no new accounts can be opened without your knowledge. Even if you think she's not the type to do things like that, remember you once thought she wasn't the type to cheat on you, either. She is acting totally insane right now, there is no telling what new low she's willing to sink to.

Also get bank statements, 401k statements, home equity lines, and any other financial documents together. Keep these reports in a safe place and update them frequently, this is a snap shot of your financial situation as it is today. It could make things a lot easier down the road when it comes time to start spliting things up. You don't want to find out a year from now she racked up $50k worth of debt having fun with her loser boyfriend and that your stuck with the bill.

huskies90
06-04-2010, 04:08 PM
Sending some late support :grouphug: and hoping things may have improved.
We haven't heard from you in a little while. Stop in if you get a chance and let us now how you are doing.
Thanks for the support. Yes, I am still here. Not much has changed since my last post but I am doing better with my situation. I have started counseling by myself and I’ve gotten my finances in place. As much as I want closure to this, I need to give it some more time. In the meantime, I am getting myself in shape physically (I was already in shape but by the end of the summer, I will be back to how I was in my early thirties) and mentally with the counselor.

I don't have a lot of financial advice but can say been there done that, it is just a year from when my husband of 15 years decided he hadn't had enough fun in his life and he "loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore" Yeah there was a co worker involved they had been having an emotional affair for a couple months. Now a year later we are divorced ( my doing). I did everything I could to try to fix what I had no clue was broken and when it was obvious I couldn't, I moved fast.
Just wanted to say if can look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you could to save your marriage, get a lawyer and don't delay. People get less sorry fast and you may do better financially the quicker you do it. It does get better, you deserve someone who respects you, loves you and wouldn't cheat on you ( if that is the case.) Marriage is hard and it takes work and if she isn't willing to do that, what have you lost really? So no really good advice just been there done that and it sucks! But it does get better. Hugs!
OMG, so similar to my situation!! And so true what you said. I feel the same way. I still can’t believe this happening and I feel like I am trying to fix something that I don’t even know how it is broken.

Oh and for an example of how things often work for cheaters, ExH has gained 50 lbs, works MORE than ever and still mows my lawn, he got all the debt and I got the house. :rotfl: I don't think he is having any more fun.

I am not sure it will end this way, but I am sure her life won’t be as good without me as it was with me and that may be why she is so reluctant to leave.

DisneyNutMic
06-04-2010, 04:18 PM
My husband walked in the door and said "I don't love you. I never have. And I want a divorce." This was Nov 18th, 2006. He "offered" to stay through the first of the year but I said "No. If you want out, get out RIGHT NOW." He moved in with his parents that night. He had been fired from a job making $18 an hour in Aug and got another job making $10 an hour. He said he might not be the marrying type and would probably never marry again. I was blindsided by the whole thing but there was this "friend" that had been getting closer but I trusted my husband. He was in fact cheating with her. They got caught out on a date less than a week later (oh yeah she was married too). He left and I got the house. He married that "friend" 17 days after their divorces were final. My point here is he PLANNED this. Losing the high paying job screwed up the state's figures for child support like crazy. And 2 months after he walked out, and just after the state figured child support, he found another job making $20 an hour. I couldn't fight it for 3 years.

I will say that this ended up being the best thing in the world for me though. 3 1/2 years later, I'm happier than I have EVER been. I am newly engaged and loving every second of my life now. He was living a lie and making me live it too.

Hang in there. I promise it gets better.

a1tinkfans
06-04-2010, 05:01 PM
Just offering some "late" support.
Sorry you're going thru this. Stay strong for the children! Focus ahead, stay in counseling and stay true to what you know in your heart is right for you and your children. Best of Luck to you!! :grouphug:

RyJMom
06-04-2010, 08:04 PM
So sorry you are going through this. I did not take your posts to say you didn't want to give her her share you just don't want to get the short end of the stick. Why the heck should you have to leave the home when she is the one that wants out. Tell her to get an apartment. There is a really great website called surviving infidelity that may be a help to you. Best of luck to you.

cheshireqt
06-04-2010, 08:26 PM
Arriving late to the thread but have read the responses and am caught up. Great advice already given, such as do not leave the house, get a lawyer ASAP, gather financial documents and check status of credit with fraud alert. I have heard and witnessed real horror stories from friends and even family members where you just can't believe that a person you know could do something like empty the account etc. Almost always the one who planned it gets away with everything at first, while the victim is victimized twice. ALTHOUGH years later, the honest party is ALWAYS faring better!!!! Keep that in mind when things get ugly and you feel depressed about the situation.
The only new thing I can bring up is that in the state of Virginia you can add a Morality clause to your divorce decree. It states that no unmarried partners of the opposite sex may sleep over when the children are in residence. In other words no "paramours" on your night(s) to have the kids and no "paramours" on hers. One of my friends who has a very similar story to yours takes fiendish delight that though her ex promptly moved in with the woman he was having an affair with (before he and she were even legally seperated :scared1: -in fact the jerk made his announcement and packed a bag to move in with the thing) once the divorce decree was final her ex's g-friend (now fiancee) has to find somewhere else to stay when he has the kids overnight. ;) If it is possible to get in your state then it might preserve your sanity down the road if your wife has the guy sleeping over with your kids in the house.
Oh and HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!

huskies90
08-05-2010, 04:48 PM
Thought I’d post a follow up for everyone since it has been a few months.

Sometime in July I sat down with my wife and we talked for the first time in several months. I told her this is ridiculous, we either need to file for divorce or start working on making things better. Her reply was, fine I want a divorce. We really had a good talk and it was the first time in I don’t know how long, probably ever, that she was honest with her feelings toward me. I don’t think she doesn’t love me anymore but instead feels that she was “trapped” in our marriage and did not feel she could make any decisions for her own, be with people she wanted to be with and have her own life.

We decided that we would not fight each other and instead we hired a mediator to work through the details. I have heard too many horror stories about couples fighting and racking up huge attorney fees just to end up in the same place if they sat down at the kitchen table and worked it.

So, that is what we did. I talked to an attorney on my own just in case things go bad but so far it has gone really well. When I talked to my attorney, I wanted to get level set on what I was looking at and he gave me the best and worst case scenarios which I used as a guideline. Hopefully, I won’t ever have to talk to him again.

My soon to be ex has been very reasonable with what she has asked for and I have been willing to give her alimony and child support as well has half the assets so she can start over at the same time she is leaving me in good shape and not “taking me to the cleaners”.

Believe it or not, it almost feels like our friendship is getting stronger through the process and really all ever wanted for her was to be happy. You can tell how much happier she is and excited about her impending freedom. While I still love her and still do not want to be divorced, I too, am looking forward to being single again after 18 years of being married.

She is in the process of buying a house in the same town and I will stay in our HUGE house for a while until she gets settled and the kids get used to the divorce and splitting time then I will sell it and buy something myself that is smaller. We have agreed to joint shared physical custody which basically means the kids are exactly split 50/50 in both time and responsibility. We have told the kids and so far they seem OK with it but I am sure it will be hard once she moves out.

So the paperwork has been filed with the state of CT and we have had two meetings with the mediator where we shared everything we agreed to. The mediator’s job is to prepare the contract and ensure it will be accepted by a judge making sure we do not miss anything. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to go smoothly and we stay friends after this is over.

Taja
08-05-2010, 05:10 PM
Thanks so much for the update! I'm not on the boards all the time and was afraid I might have missed it.

I'm glad you and your wife were able to discuss things and mostly work out the details yourselves. It's very difficult, in any case, but at least understanding one another's viewpoint provides common ground so you can begin to rebuild your lives--and continue to nurture your children.

Hope things continue to go well for you and your children adapt to the changes in their lives. :)

bettymae1121
08-05-2010, 05:28 PM
While it's sad it has to end, at least you're staying on friendly terms and aren't trying to destroy each other.

If you don't mind some unsolicted advice...don't jump into another relationship right away. Take some time to be by yourself for a little while, get on an even keel again. Then, once you've established a new "normal" for a little while, if you're interested in a relationship, then start dating.

ExPirateShopGirl
08-05-2010, 05:39 PM
Huskies... thanks for the update. Glad things are working out as well as they can be expected to. I admire your maturity in dealing with such a curve ball. Very best of luck to you. Truly.

wdwfan16
08-05-2010, 07:13 PM
I am glad you are being cordial in this. It is best for the children.

sunnyday123
08-05-2010, 08:40 PM
I don't know anything about the financial side of it, but is there any way you could try and get her to stay a little longer for the sake of the kids? Conventional wisdom used to be that it was better for couples in an unhappy marriage to get divorced and staying together for the kids' sake was bad for them, but there's research now that says it's actually better to try to stay for the kids:
http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htm
and more info on that as a divorce myth here:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

And an interesting study that says that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

Sending good thoughts for things to work out for you and your kids.:grouphug:

Op, speaking as a child who's parents stayed together for the kids, I can tell you it did not help us, make us happier, or do us any good whatsoever. It was pure hell living with two people who didn't get along.

Just read your update; glad you two are able to work it out amicably.

Girlie1
08-05-2010, 08:48 PM
How did you find a good mediator? Any suggestions?

Indiana Rose Lee
08-05-2010, 08:59 PM
Wow, it is great seeing parents doing what is best for their kids in a crappy situation. That will make all the difference in the world to their lives!

huskies90
08-05-2010, 09:08 PM
How did you find a good mediator? Any suggestions?Where are you in CT? PM if you feel more comfortable and I can give you some information.

Luvchefmic
08-05-2010, 09:19 PM
Just know there are a lot of people that care. My first husband & I kept it very amicable and the kids turned out wonderfully. Believe it or not this can work without bitterness or ill feelings. Both of us wanted what was best for them and it did work, no bad mouthing each other over the years. My DDs are now in their 30's and readily say they had a happy childhood

sunshineNJ
08-07-2010, 12:04 AM
So very sorry for what you are going through. Do not move out!!!! Go to a lawyer and find out your rights. Focus on the kids and spending time with them. Good luck!

disneymarie
08-07-2010, 12:15 AM


From a financial standpoint, am I totally up the creek? I wake up after almost of 20 years of planning and saving a good size nest egg for our future, only now to be told I am no longer loved, give me half your money, support me the next 10 years, move out of your house and only get see your kids every other week.

I know, so many people have gone through this before so I don’t want to sound like woah is me. I know I am not alone. But this was a tremendous shock to me and I just don’t know what to do next.

Sounds like another man, and believe me one day they wake up and the passion is gone and they are up the creek.
I had one friend had this happen. In that case as the woman had a home and was provided for, it was her choice to leave, she was not entitled to alimony pendente, or other support...in fact as she was working full time she had to pay a sizable childsupport, and half the medical bills. Any money put away for college could not be touched.

I think your most emotional battle is the girls trying to understand and accepting the two households, parents battleing for visitation time, vacations without mom and dad together.....

After being married so many years the early days passion gets lost in daily life. Before you know it, a women that is is premenapause hormones can get caught up in a flirtatous relationship.

Come out straight and say would she like to be reromanced in your marriage or is it final. That you never thought of spending intimate times and life with another woman, and is there any chance. COMMUNICATE>
If she won't,. Make the best transition for your girls, they are at the age of being devestated. Keep their home life as normal as possible.

luvmythree
08-07-2010, 12:30 AM
Sadly I know how you feel. My now ex husband walked in one day, told me he didn't love me, had cheated on me and left about 20 min later. That was almost 4 years ago and I am finally feeling like myself again.

We too are friendly enough and worked with a mediator instead of going to court to fight it out. My attorney *and maybe his* both suggested the mediator instead of court if we could work it out. Of course it was easy because my ex gave me full custody of the kids and he just has visitation...mostly because he wants to be a very part time parent and a full time party boy.

I still live in the house with our kids, just got 1/2 of his 401K but we structured alimony to end a lot faster than I was entitled to and because of that it buys out his interest in the house that I only have 7 more years to pay and then it's mine free and clear. We were married almost 22 years.

Hugs to you for going through this. It truly is a nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone and I feel *we* did it as friendly as possible.

Hang in there OP! It does get "better" and eventually the pain subsides! :)

Kelly

huskies90
12-08-2010, 02:47 PM
Just wanted to give everyone a final update as I know several people posted on this thread and there may be others who have gone through or are going the same thing and may be interested in how it turned out.

The divorce is final as of December 1. I will say that the process for the most part went pretty smoothly thanks in the most part to my now ex-wife who was very agreeable to just about everything. We had a good amount of money that we split and I gave her a lump sum on top of it lieu of alimony so she has enough to really start over. She bought a house in the same town so that we can easily share custody. As of now, the kids are much more comfortable in their old house and have been living with me full time. For now, we are going to just start by alternating weekends. While I am sure she misses not having them around, she has not argued or fought over the custody. Our kids are a bit older at 11 and 14 and it is hard to “force” them to live one place over another. So, since they are with me almost full time, I am holding back paying child support to her, in fact, she would actually owe me based on our agreement but I am not even going to ask. Our goal right now is to keep things as easy on the kids as possible. I think they are still trying to adjust but for the most part are doing very well.

She did tell my daughter that she has in fact been seeing someone else and while I take 99% of the blame for the divorce, I know that the 1% of his presence is what set this whole process in motion. And actually, that is a good thing because I would rather know now how she really felt and not 8 years from now when the kids left the house.

And speaking of the house, keeping it certainly has its price as now I am paying the mortgage on my own and I still owe her $125K in equity (yes, even in this market) which means I am re-financing to increase my loan amount, and of course also increasing my monthly payment, to pay her off. While the house has provided much needed stability for the kids, I can’t see holding it much longer. I am hoping to sell it this Spring or by Spring 2012 at the latest.

Personally, I am doing great. While I missed her at first, I have since really enjoyed my new life and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and have some fun. I consider myself lucky that I have had the chance to be married for such a long time and do all the stuff married couples do and of course have two great kids and now I get the opportunity to have a fun single life. Of course as I get older, I may retract the last part of that statement. We’ll see.

Thanks again for the support from everyone especially those of you who pm’d me directly. I got our DVC in the divorce settlement and currently own annual passes for me and the kids so Disney is a big part of our lives right now. There is nothing like Disney or the Disney community to put a smile on your face when things are tough. And for any of you who are single and interested in meeting other single Disney folks, check out this thread on the solo travelers board:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2411855

I have met/chatted with several people through it and it has been a great way to meet other Disney fans. My profile is on page 27, by the way, in case you are wondering… ;)

acomasdiaz
12-08-2010, 04:12 PM
Just wanted to give everyone a final update as I know several people posted on this thread and there may be others who have gone through or are going the same thing and may be interested in how it turned out.

The divorce is final as of December 1. I will say that the process for the most part went pretty smoothly thanks in the most part to my now ex-wife who was very agreeable to just about everything. We had a good amount of money that we split and I gave her a lump sum on top of it lieu of alimony so she has enough to really start over. She bought a house in the same town so that we can easily share custody. As of now, the kids are much more comfortable in their old house and have been living with me full time. For now, we are going to just start by alternating weekends. While I am sure she misses not having them around, she has not argued or fought over the custody. Our kids are a bit older at 11 and 14 and it is hard to “force” them to live one place over another. So, since they are with me almost full time, I am holding back paying child support to her, in fact, she would actually owe me based on our agreement but I am not even going to ask. Our goal right now is to keep things as easy on the kids as possible. I think they are still trying to adjust but for the most part are doing very well.

She did tell my daughter that she has in fact been seeing someone else and while I take 99% of the blame for the divorce, I know that the 1% of his presence is what set this whole process in motion. And actually, that is a good thing because I would rather know now how she really felt and not 8 years from now when the kids left the house.

And speaking of the house, keeping it certainly has its price as now I am paying the mortgage on my own and I still owe her $125K in equity (yes, even in this market) which means I am re-financing to increase my loan amount, and of course also increasing my monthly payment, to pay her off. While the house has provided much needed stability for the kids, I can’t see holding it much longer. I am hoping to sell it this Spring or by Spring 2012 at the latest.

Personally, I am doing great. While I missed her at first, I have since really enjoyed my new life and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and have some fun. I consider myself lucky that I have had the chance to be married for such a long time and do all the stuff married couples do and of course have two great kids and now I get the opportunity to have a fun single life. Of course as I get older, I may retract the last part of that statement. We’ll see.

Thanks again for the support from everyone especially those of you who pm’d me directly. I got our DVC in the divorce settlement and currently own annual passes for me and the kids so Disney is a big part of our lives right now. There is nothing like Disney or the Disney community to put a smile on your face when things are tough. And for any of you who are single and interested in meeting other single Disney folks, check out this thread on the solo travelers board:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2411855

I have met/chatted with several people through it and it has been a great way to meet other Disney fans. My profile is on page 27, by the way, in case you are wondering… ;)

:hug: I hope you continue to look for the best in this situation. Your DIS friends are here to always lend an ear...shoulder...etc.

mom to minnie&mickey
12-08-2010, 08:46 PM
OP, I just found your thread and read through it. You sound like a kind and generous person who any woman would want to be with. You know the saying we never know what we have until we lose it. I have a feeling your ex will realize that when the "passion" of her new relationship fades, as it eventually always does and she realizes that she threw her family away. How sad for her. In the meantime what a fantastic gift you are giving your dd's by being cordial to their mother and not having them live in the midst of fighting and name calling. They are old enough to see right and wrong and one day they will thank you for putting them first in your life. Sometimes in life we have to put a period and start over. Move on, sell your house to start fresh, enjoy your Disney vacations with your kids, go out and meet new people( I saw your profile and it shouldn't be too hard for you to meet someone new;) and enjoy life. God knows you more than deserve it.
I and my dh are married for almost 15 years with 2 kids around the same age.
Although we have our ups and downs, he-- would have to freeze over before I would ever even think of leaving them.

P.S. There is a song by the band Chicago that says "At the time you couldn't tell me that one day I'd be glad" I hope that day comes for you ASAP if it has not already. Good Luck

cbg1027
12-08-2010, 11:00 PM
Divorce sucks all the way around, no doubt.

Glad to see things are (mostly) working out for you though. Hey, you got the important stuff - the kids, of course, and the DVC! :rotfl::thumbsup2

The fact that you've taken a step towards moving on by posting on the singles thread is a great move.

Hope things continue to get better each day for you. The DIS community will always be here to support you! :grouphug:

PS - The shirt your younger daughter is wearing in the photo cracked me up!

sunnysideup3
12-08-2010, 11:13 PM
Glad to see that everything ended up as well as it did for you.

Best of luck with everything in the future :)

finz2left
12-08-2010, 11:25 PM
Huge Kudos to you for being such a wonderful father and putting your children's needs first. I cannot imagine the pain you have been through, but you are clearly handling it with dignity and humility. :grouphug:

WeekdayDisneyland
12-08-2010, 11:34 PM
I hate to admit it, but DH and I hit rocky patches as well. Went so far as to file for divorce, have temporary hearings, and trying to settle on the final agreement. In court, DH requested that we attend divorce counseling so that we could continue to work together for the best interest of our child. I had absolutely no interest in saving the marriage so it really helped that he stopped pressuring me to take him back and instead focused on what was in our daughter's best interest. The counselor was very good. Go whether she wants to go or not. At least that is what my DH did.

After a while, I was impressed that DH was going to change for the better regardless of whether I was with him or not. After a while, I got to thinking that I didn't want anyone to enjoy the much improved DH after I had been the one who had put up with him at his worst. If anyone gets that benefit, it should be me. I had earned it.

DH and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this year. We wouldn't have made it this far had it not been for how he handled things.

This made me cry! Thanks for sharing that. It gives me hope.

Planogirl
12-09-2010, 01:16 AM
You sound like a great person to me. Good luck with everything and kudos to you for being so good to your kids.

ChiCat
12-09-2010, 09:28 AM
I was single for a good solid 3 years before I got married and they were some of the best years of my life. So enjoy yourself! Have fun, meet new people, and good luck!

need2cruise
12-09-2010, 10:01 AM
I just read throught this post and must say, I'm amazed that you have kept a positive outlook through this whole ordeal! I guess there's proof that no matter how low life gets or how much you feel that everyone is kicking you down, it's all about attitude and how you handle things. :hug: Good luck on you're new adventure!

Oh-and she'll realize what she is missing out on and while her pride may keep her from telling you, she will always regret leaving.

brockash
12-09-2010, 10:25 AM
Just wanted to give everyone a final update as I know several people posted on this thread and there may be others who have gone through or are going the same thing and may be interested in how it turned out.

The divorce is final as of December 1. I will say that the process for the most part went pretty smoothly thanks in the most part to my now ex-wife who was very agreeable to just about everything. We had a good amount of money that we split and I gave her a lump sum on top of it lieu of alimony so she has enough to really start over. She bought a house in the same town so that we can easily share custody. As of now, the kids are much more comfortable in their old house and have been living with me full time. For now, we are going to just start by alternating weekends. While I am sure she misses not having them around, she has not argued or fought over the custody. Our kids are a bit older at 11 and 14 and it is hard to “force” them to live one place over another. So, since they are with me almost full time, I am holding back paying child support to her, in fact, she would actually owe me based on our agreement but I am not even going to ask. Our goal right now is to keep things as easy on the kids as possible. I think they are still trying to adjust but for the most part are doing very well.

She did tell my daughter that she has in fact been seeing someone else and while I take 99% of the blame for the divorce, I know that the 1% of his presence is what set this whole process in motion. And actually, that is a good thing because I would rather know now how she really felt and not 8 years from now when the kids left the house.

And speaking of the house, keeping it certainly has its price as now I am paying the mortgage on my own and I still owe her $125K in equity (yes, even in this market) which means I am re-financing to increase my loan amount, and of course also increasing my monthly payment, to pay her off. While the house has provided much needed stability for the kids, I can’t see holding it much longer. I am hoping to sell it this Spring or by Spring 2012 at the latest.

Personally, I am doing great. While I missed her at first, I have since really enjoyed my new life and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and have some fun. I consider myself lucky that I have had the chance to be married for such a long time and do all the stuff married couples do and of course have two great kids and now I get the opportunity to have a fun single life. Of course as I get older, I may retract the last part of that statement. We’ll see.

Thanks again for the support from everyone especially those of you who pm’d me directly. I got our DVC in the divorce settlement and currently own annual passes for me and the kids so Disney is a big part of our lives right now. There is nothing like Disney or the Disney community to put a smile on your face when things are tough. And for any of you who are single and interested in meeting other single Disney folks, check out this thread on the solo travelers board:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2411855

I have met/chatted with several people through it and it has been a great way to meet other Disney fans. My profile is on page 27, by the way, in case you are wondering… ;)

I just want to say how amazed I am at you and how you've handled things. I will admit that I'm a bit biased in my opinion of divorce and how many "Dads" behave (based on experience and working with divorces." Unfortunately more often then not at least 1 parent, for whatever reason, can't put their own hurt feelings aside, and can't do/see what's best for their kids. It looks like you have been able to do this and have been putting your kids best interest 1st the entire time, which is soooo nice to see/hear, especially given your circumstances, that you were not the one that wanted the divorce, and that your ex-wife may/may not have been seeing someone else. You should be very proud of yourself, and your kids are very lucky to have you as their dad.

Kika
12-09-2010, 11:01 AM
Glad to see your update and that things are going well for you!

It's funny because my situation was (and still is) so similar to yours. My divorce was finalized two years ago. Although obviously divorce is not the ideal scenario, it makes things so much easier on all involved (especially the kids) when things are amicable among everyone. I'm also thinking of selling my house in 2012; I like my house, but would just like a fresh start in new surroundings (and maybe a smaller house), so I know where you are coming from there.

I hope that things continue to go well for you and that you and your daughters have a happy and healthy 2011!

DawnM
12-09-2010, 12:23 PM
Sorry you have to go through this. Glad it is going amicably, but sorry just the same.

Dawn