So sad...

[JerseyJanice]

My husband's 50 year old cousin is dying. :(

The poor guy has terminal cancer. He was diagnosed only about a month ago. He had surgery in 2006 for a hiatal (sp?) hernia and suffered with acid reflux ever since. The week after this past Easter, it got really bad on him plus he had bad back pain. So he saw a nurse practitioner for his pain. She felt something in his back that she thought was a malignancy and advised him to see an oncologist ASAP.

Before he could get into Sloan Kettering, his pain got so out-of-control that he was taken by ambulance to the local big hospital (Hackensack University Medical Center). Once admitted, everywhere they looked they found malignancies and tumors. It took them over a week to decide that lung cancer was the primary illness. (BTW, he was a nonsmoker his whole life.)

In the past month, he was in and out of the hospital, being treated with radiation. They readmitted him Tuesday night because he wasn't getting enough oxygen and that brought on dementia.

Yesterday, they told his family that they aren't going to give him anymore radiation as there is no hope for him. He is terminal; I don't know yet how long they think he has.

The man who is dying never married and does not have any children. His only brother has a son who is my son's age. He is the "nephew" I am taking to Florida in August. Since this started in April, we've the boy stay with us frequently. I expect to keep him afterschool till the late evening all this upcoming week and all of next weekend too. The only reason he isn't here right now is because my son is away on a band trip.

I really need my son around to entertain this kid; he's more than a little hyper and pretty destructive. He is a very sweet and loving boy, but a lot more work than my own kid. The child is an extremely picky eater, so I'm planning this week's menu around that. One thing good about having him around is that he helps us to appreciate our son's easy-going nature.

BTW, if you want to be so kind as to offer a prayer for him, his name is George.

[minniebeth]

I am so sorry to hear about your DH's cousin~:hug:
It's so sad when it comes to nothing else can be done. So many people I know though, say that this is when they find peace though, not having to battle and suffer thru side effects of treatments, etc. I hope he can remain comfortable, pain free and enjoy the love of others around him at this time.

It's so loving of you to take care of his brother's son the way you are. I'm sure it is appreciated. What a hard time for all.
You all will be in my prayers! :hug:

[JerseyJanice]

My MIL called earlier this evening and told us to get to the hospital tomorrow if we want to see George alive one more time. She doesn't think he'll last the week.

He's in terrible shape. They aren't allowing Ryan (my nephew) to see him again. They don't want him to have to deal with seeing his uncle as sick as he is nor to remember him in this condition.

[quasar4legs]

I am so sorry your family is facing this loss.

I shall be thinking of George and those that love him during this tragic time.:hug:

[AnnaS]

I will pray for George too. I just posted a very similar story for my sister. It is so sad. We were lucky and got into Sloan pretty quick within a few weeks (second opinion). Someone has to either make a call or you need to go through the ER.

My story is a few threads down. We are all hoping my sister has a bit more time. I am wondering where George had it too besides the lungs. He only had radiation? My sister is on chemo - standard and clinical.

[jrsmom]

My husband's 50 year old cousin is dying. :(

The poor guy has terminal cancer. He was diagnosed only about a month ago. He had surgery in 2006 for a hiatal (sp?) hernia and suffered with acid reflux ever since. The week after this past Easter, it got really bad on him plus he had bad back pain. So he saw a nurse practitioner for his pain. She felt something in his back that she thought was a malignancy and advised him to see an oncologist ASAP.

Before he could get into Sloan Kettering, his pain got so out-of-control that he was taken by ambulance to the local big hospital (Hackensack University Medical Center). Once admitted, everywhere they looked they found malignancies and tumors. It took them over a week to decide that lung cancer was the primary illness. (BTW, he was a nonsmoker his whole life.)

In the past month, he was in and out of the hospital, being treated with radiation. They readmitted him Tuesday night because he wasn't getting enough oxygen and that brought on dementia.

Yesterday, they told his family that they aren't going to give him anymore radiation as there is no hope for him. He is terminal; I don't know yet how long they think he has.

The man who is dying never married and does not have any children. His only brother has a son who is my son's age. He is the "nephew" I am taking to Florida in August. Since this started in April, we've the boy stay with us frequently. I expect to keep him afterschool till the late evening all this upcoming week and all of next weekend too. The only reason he isn't here right now is because my son is away on a band trip.

I really need my son around to entertain this kid; he's more than a little hyper and pretty destructive. He is a very sweet and loving boy, but a lot more work than my own kid. The child is an extremely picky eater, so I'm planning this week's menu around that. One thing good about having him around is that he helps us to appreciate our son's easy-going nature.

BTW, if you want to be so kind as to offer a prayer for him, his name is George.

I am sorry for what your family is going through. One of the bad side illnesses that can be caused by acid reflux is lung cancer, as well as other cancers seems strange. Cancer is such a rotten sickness and I hope for the best for your family.

[JerseyJanice]

I will pray for George too. I just posted a very similar story for my sister. It is so sad. We were lucky and got into Sloan pretty quick within a few weeks (second opinion). Someone has to either make a call or you need to go through the ER.

My story is a few threads down. We are all hoping my sister has a bit more time. I am wondering where George had it too besides the lungs. He only had radiation? My sister is on chemo - standard and clinical.

I have to look for your sister's story, Anna.

George knows someone who works for an oncologist who works out of Sloan. He had an appointment with that doctor on a Monday, but the pain got so intense on a Friday night, he wound up in HUMC. I forget which major hospital HUMC is affiliated with (it could be Sloan), but they tell you that you get the same treatment in Hackensack that you'd get in the City.

Initially, they were going to treat him with a few weeks of radiation, give him a month off, then start chemotherapy. But they told his father and brother on Friday that there isn't any point in continuing to treat it because he is too far gone.

They found cancer in his liver, lungs, brain and bones. He has a large tumor all around his spine that caused him back pain over the past year or so.

DH and I are going to the hospital this morning. I don't want my son to see him this sick so it's convenient that he's away until late tonight. George didn't have children of his own, so he enjoyed being an uncle to my son and Ryan. He took them to a couple of WWE shows in the Meadowlands and brought them to Hooters a bunch of times so they could act like "real men." George's family owns a house in LBI where my son has stayed with them frequently. (DH and I don't go because of our dog.) George was teaching the boys how to surf.

I am torn about whether we will bring my son to George's funeral. I think he should be there because he is close to George, but if my MIL carries on as badly as she did at her niece's funeral, it will be hard for my son to handle. (My son and Ryan are both 13 right now.)

George himself was a very fit and handsome man. He lived a clean life. Didn't drink or smoke. Exercised and ate a decent diet. How he got so sick, so fast, so young is a mystery.

I am dreading going to the hospital today. It's the same one where my niece was treated for leukemia and died in 2004. She was there for nearly 6 months before she passed away. I visited her there often during that time. Her last couple of weeks were excruciating to watch. I get filled with major anxiety at the thought of walking into that building. Today is going to be hard for me.

[minniebeth]

:hug::hug::hug:to you JerseyJanice, it's so hard to go through all this.
I would talk with your son about his feelings about the funeral. At 13 he is old enough to have an opinion/input with it. I'm praying for all of you!

[JerseyJanice]

Thank you, Minniebeth.

We haven't left for the hospital yet. Saying good-bye to someone is such a difficult thing to do.

I do think my son should be at the wake and funeral. I think death is a part of life--an unfortunate part of life, but it is nonetheless. It will be awkward though if they don't bring George's "real" nephew, KWIM? The two boys' birthdays are months apart, but my son is more mature than DN. He's been to a wake already for his best friend's grandmother and that was two years ago, so I am confident he can handle it and think it's the right thing for him to do. However, I am not certain about the other child.

[AnnaS]

I would probably not bring (if I had a son/daughter that age) my child to the hospital but definitely to the wake/funeral. We just lost my brother-in-law in Feb. to stage 4 melanoma and I know (like you do with your niece probably) what he looked like in the end.

We are all thinking of your family and George. My sister was also diagnosed in April. Stage 4 lung cancer. It's in her lymph nodes, liver and bones. 46 yrs. old and never married - it's just too much to think about sometimes. :sad2:

[escape]

Janice - I'm so sorry. :hug: I'll keep your family and George in my prayers. :grouphug:

[JerseyJanice]

We went to visit George, and he's not as bad as I expected after what my MIL had told us. He's not long for this world, but I would guess he has a few weeks at least.

For one thing, he is still eating and drinking a little. His bowels have not shut down. For another, his blood pressure was 112/64--there's a screen next to his bed that shows his vitals and it stayed pretty much this number the whole time we were there. That's a low BP, but it could go much lower, if you know what I mean.

[minniecarousel]

JJ - I'm so sorry to hear of your DH's cousin. Too young....so sad.

Prayers for George and all of his family.

[AnnaS]

We went to visit George, and he's not as bad as I expected after what my MIL had told us. He's not long for this world, but I would guess he has a few weeks at least.

For one thing, he is still eating and drinking a little. His bowels have not shut down. For another, his blood pressure was 112/64--there's a screen next to his bed that shows his vitals and it stayed pretty much this number the whole time we were there. That's a low BP, but it could go much lower, if you know what I mean.

I am not sure what to say. I think it's good news he will be here a bit longer. As long as they are not suffering and in pain. In the end, the outcome is the same unfortunately. I remember with my brother-in-law recently, first you pray for a miracle or that he has many good days and towards the end, you pray for a quick and painless death. It is very sad.

We kept thinking the same as you. Every time we saw him, we thought, he is still eating, drinking and his body has not shut down so he has some time left.

I hope he has many loved ones around him constantly during this difficult time. Will keep praying for George, Janice.

[zigzagzerr]

:hug: to you Janice. I'm so sorry for your family.

[Heidict]

So sorry to hear about George. I can imagine this must be so horribly difficult and sad for your entire family. My prayers and thoughts are with you all. :hug:

[JerseyJanice]

George slipped into a coma early yesterday. Although he has a DNR in place, the doctors convinced his dad to let them put in a breathing tube and give him 24 hours with it. There has been no sign of brain activity so they will pull the plug this morning around 9:00. His father, brother and sister-in-law will be there; the dad doesn't want anyone else. My mother- and sister-in-law offered to be there, but dad said no.

So it looks like today will be the day he dies. :( MIL was right to tell us to see him this weekend; I didn't think he looked that bad, but I guess he was.

[AnnaS]

I am so sorry Janice :sad1: This went way too fast. My tears are just coming down.:grouphug:

[JerseyJanice]

I waited all day to hear from somebody and didn't, so I called the unit at the hospital myself. For some reason, the breathing tube was not removed until about a half hour ago. The nurse said that he was with only his father and brother, and he was struggling to breathe, so she expects he'll be gone shortly.

[es45]

I waited all day to hear from somebody and didn't, so I called the unit at the hospital myself. For some reason, the breathing tube was not removed until about a half hour ago. The nurse said that he was with only his father and brother, and he was struggling to breathe, so she expects he'll be gone shortly.

Sending prayers of peace for George and prayers of support for you and the family.

[JerseyJanice]

George passed away about 4:30 yesterday afternoon with his father and brother at his side. He has joined his mother (who died in 1990 from ovarian cancer at age 52) and sister (who passed away suddenly at the age of 37 in 2004).

We don't know what the arrangements will be since he can not buried on Sunday or Monday. His dad and his brother are at the funeral home now figuring that out.

[AnnaS]

Janice, please know we are all thinking of you and the whole family. :hug:

[JerseyJanice]

Thank you to all of you who replied to this thread. I really do appreciate your kind wishes and support.

George will be waked on Tuesday, 2-4 and 7-9 pm, then buried on Wednesday morning. I had two vacation days to use this year, so I will take them on Tuesday and Wednesday, and stay with the family. My husband and son won't be able to take off both days from work and school, respectively, so they'll come to the wake Tuesday night then take off to come to the funeral and repast on Wednesday.

I'm trying to decide what to do to express our sympathy to George's father and brother (who is like my son's uncle and our cousin). I'm thinking about sending a small floral piece for the wake and funeral and sign it, "Beloved Uncle" from my son at least. I think there should be something like that from the children--George's blood nephew, my kid, and my sister-in-law's two kids. Do I talk to their parents about it or just do it?

Then I want us to do something for the family that isn't a "Dear Cousin" floral arrangement from DH and me. I'm trying to decide between sending a platter of sandwiches as I have an awesome deli to use or a fruit basket. We have to do something. :(

Honestly, this is a big loss for us. We've buried our grandparents and many aunts/uncles who were old; that's one thing. Theirs were lives to celebrate. OTOH, this man was our contemporary and an excellent uncle to our son and a friend to us both. He was present for most of the major events of our lives--wedding, Christening, First Communion.

I feel so devastated. Losing George is big to me; almost as big as losing my parents, my niece, Lori, and our other cousin, Donna, who was George's sister. :( My heart is broken.

[heatherwillmom]

My thoughts & prayers are with you. I just lost my favorite uncle to pancreatic cancer 3 weeks ago. He was only diagnosed a month before that. He got bad very quickly. Cancer is a horrible disease. Many of the symptoms are so vague that most people dont go to the doctor until it's too late. My uncle had been complaining of indigestion for a few months, but he never told anyone how bad is was.

[JerseyJanice]

Since you can't feel another person's pain, you just don't know how bad or not they were hurting. I wonder if he was in denial about his discomfort or if it was vague enough for him not to worry about.

He complained about heartburn/acid reflux since 2006; I'm sure he sought help for it. Now I hear that this is a common symptom in lung cancer patients, but I guess because he was a non-smoker, no doctor thought to look for it?

[heatherwillmom]

My uncle didn't drink or smoke either. He was in a lot of pain for the last couple of weeks. The last few days, even though he was on Morphine, he still would cry out at times. This was a tough man who spent time in both the Navy & CIA

[heatherwillmom]

By the way, remember to keep reading the posts. The kind words of my "Disboard family" help get me through it. It was nice to be able to talk to someone outside of the family. Many posters had also lost someone to pancreatic cancer & knew what we were going through

[JerseyJanice]

By the way, remember to keep reading the posts. The kind words of my "Disboard family" help get me through it. It was nice to be able to talk to someone outside of the family. Many posters had also lost someone to pancreatic cancer & knew what we were going through

I hear what you're saying, and thanks.

You hate to break down in front of your real life friends and family, and lay your heavy emotions on them. Here, it's more anonymous so you can say what you want without worrying about adding to anyone's grief.

Thanks again, everybody.

[JerseyJanice]

Something I want to share--

After we buried my 23 year-old niece when she succumbed to leukemia, I figured out the meaning of life. It's to love one another, and nothing more. We are here to love our friends and family. :) Simple as that.

My niece fought her battle with the Big C for over 10 years; after we lost her, I realized that she kept fighting to stay with us. And that was because she loved us and knew we loved her too. She couldn't bear to leave us, so she put up with the pain and a boatload of medical procedures.

Now that George is gone, I'm realizing something else. We have to make the time to enjoy each other's company. He wanted to take the boys to a Yankee game one day, but it never worked out schedule wise, ticket wise, what-have-you, and so it was an experience they all missed sharing with each other that they will never get back.

If I had a way to go back in time, I'd buy them the tickets myself to go a game.

[minniebeth]

After we buried my 23 year-old niece when she succumbed to leukemia, I figured out the meaning of life. It's to love one another, and nothing more. We are here to love our friends and family. :) Simple as that.


Janice, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words show how dear he was to all of you. I pray that your family will find peace and comfort during this difficult time.
I love your quote about the meaning of life and couldn't agree more.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
:hug:

[JerseyJanice]

Thanks again, everybody.

George's obit is in the newspaper today. I showed it to DH, who has been pretty angry and upset this whole week, and he broke down and cried like a little baby after reading it. :( DS is staying with his cousin (the deceased man's nephew), and I am glad he wasn't around to see his father crying like that.

I talked to George's sister-in-law and she said she would do a "Dear Uncle" flower arrangement from the kids. I offered to put in towards it, but she said no. So DH and I will send Edible Arrangements pieces to both her and her husband (George's brother), and George's dad.

SIL will bring both of the boys here tomorrow morning, then we'll go to my BFF's house for a backyard pool party. Our nephew will stay here tomorrow night. I'm debating on whether to let him stay here Monday night too, but only because I want to send DS to school for at least part of the day on Tuesday. Unfortunately, he missed a lot of days at school this year because of recurring strep throat. If it weren't for that, I'd keep him out on Tuesday. I already called the school to tell them he won't be in on Wednesday since that's the day of the funeral.

I'm going to quiz SIL tomorrow to see what they're doing for the repast. I have some suggestions of nearby places that would be good, but if they do it at the house, I'll make a dish and bring it over there.

[minniebeth]

Sounds like you are doing a great job keeping things moving forward and helping everyone out with the organization with arrangements. What a gift that is to those around you that need that structure in this time of grief.

I can't imagine how your DH must feel, and even if your DS was around to be with him through the rough patches, I think sometimes it's good for our young adult sons to see their dads' vulnerable moments. Not only does it show the love they have for ones they care deeply about but also it's like they get the permission that men sometimes they feel they need to not always have to be the strong men who keep it all together all the time. I'm not sure if I'm writing it the way I'm meaning to say it, but I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say.

You are wonderfully supportive of your family and remember to take care of yourself through all this as well.

I am from No. New Jersey and still have family in Bergen County, it's my backyard, roots and I just feel connected to you through that! (My brother just made arrangements for my mother to be buried in Paramus, even though she lives in South Jersey now. She is in advanced stages of Parkinson's and is very weak so they went ahead and made arrangements for the future to make things easier down the line.)

Take care and you all remain in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

[Mackey Mouse]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for you loss and that I truly hate Cancer. It takes without care and destroys wonderful people and their families who have to sit by and watch this disease take over their loved one...

I do hope that the next few days go by and everyone can get through this loss as they need to.

I too have learned the meaning of life after losing a loved one and getting a diagnosis myself... I live for today, I take every moment, second and squeeze the most I can from it. I try not to let the little things get to me and just go for the gusto and my other thought is to keep one step ahead of what I refer to as the grim reaper... just go, go, go as much as you can and as often as you can. And spend time with the people that you love and those who get it....and love you back unconditionally..

[JerseyJanice]

Thank you, MB and MM (and again, everyone else :hug: ).

We took George's nephew to my friend's house yesterday for a pool party barbecue. My friend always throws great parties and yesterday's did not disappoint.

Sadly, my friend's brother-in-law has close to the same illness as George did (stage 4 lung and liver cancer). He was diagnosed over a year ago and been treated with chemo and radiation. A malignancy spread to his brain recently, so they did a round of radiation therapy that doesn't appear to be successful. He lives down the street from my friend's house and didn't feel well enough to come to the party so his brother (my BFF's husband) brought him a plate of food.

MB, George will be buried in George Washington Cemetery in Paramus since that's where his mother and sister are. I guess that's where your mother will be; I can't think of any other large cemetery in Paramus.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, I go to a floral facility on Century Road to help decorate wreaths and grave blankets for the annual H.S. band sale. I was thinking I'll go to GW cemetery afterward since it's right up the road and place blankets on George's and his mother's plots.

I'm pretty sure that the plot George's mother is in was a double, and it's now fully occupied by her and her daughter. I'm guessing that they bought another double plot for George where his father will go since he gave up his spot with his first wife so his daughter could be put there. And I don't know how that man (George's father) can still function after all the tragedy he's been through.

[minniebeth]

Janice, yes, my mother will be buried in George Washington Cemetery, it is where my father is buried and her wishes are to be buried with him.

How lucky George is to have your love, even in death, to love him and his mother with grave blankets for the holidays.

I hope George's nephew is doing well, you have been wonderful to him.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's BIL.

I know this is a difficult week for you. You remain in my thoughts and prayers especially in the coming days.

[JerseyJanice]

I'm off from work today and tomorrow for the wake and funeral. I have to admit I'm dreading both. I don't expect people to be too worked up today, but tomorrow is going to be horrible. My mother- and sister-in-law really let the tears flow at a funeral. It's going to be awful.

I had a dream last night that we were all at the beach house George's family owns, and I was hugging and holding him and wouldn't let him go. Before all this happened, I probably wouldn't have put him at the top of my list of closest family members, but since we knew it was inevitable that he would be gone, I can't stop thinking about all the times we shared.

Oh, George, I hope you're in a better place now.

[JerseyJanice]

I have to change my clothes and go to the wake now. I did a few things this morning, like pick up a new pair of dress pants for my son who I swear grew 2 inches overnight recently. I stopped by Uncle George's house with an Edible Arrangements. He and his wife were supposed to go over to the funeral home at 1:00 to make sure everything is the way they wanted. He said he can't wait for the whole thing to be over; he is exhausted.

He was looking at some of Little George's bills and said he just doesn't understand how this happened. A doctor was actually treating Georgie for COPD, but never saw any lung cancer. How could a nonsmoker have COPD? It's mind-boggling that no cancer was found until he was nearly terminal.

[minniecarousel]

JJ - how hard this must be for you & your family! My heart goes out to all of you. We have been spared losing many of our "contemporaries". It IS different than losing older members of the family & older friends. I'll keep good thoughts that you'll get through these two days.

[JerseyJanice]

Thank you, Julie.

We got through the wake yesterday, and the funeral is this morning.

I don't know how I'm going to keep any make-up. It's hot and humid here today and I can't stop crying.

[AnnaS]

Hang in there Janice. I remember with my brother-in-law a few months ago, you just go through the motions as if there is some force just pushing you against your will. You feel like you are in a fog and it all seems surreal(sp?).

We are all thinking of you - weather has been crazy - we had two feet of snow the morning of my brother-in-law's funeral and we had to all dig ourselves out to get there. I don't know how we made it and thank God we had a snowblower and there was snow on the ground already from the last 18 inches a few days before that. Not as many people came because of it. I would rather take today.

Stay strong :hug:

[heatherwillmom]

I admire you for all your emotions for your husbands cousin. I bearly know most of my DH's cousins. I lost my uncle a couple of weeks ago, so I've gone through this recently too. Bless you

[JerseyJanice]

We had a beautiful and dignified Mass this morning, then headed to GW Memorial Park to lay our cousin and good friend to rest. George's plot is very close to where his mother and sister are, and next to the golf course, so it's also apropos as George was an avid golfer.

His coworkers were the pallbearers, then our older nephew did one reading and George's stepbrother did the other. My parents-in-law brought the offering up to the altar; that was a highly emotional moment because my MIL was crying and shaking horribly while she did it.

Anna, it was just like you said--so intensely sad and surreal. When we sat in the funeral home this morning gazing in silence at him for the last time, I felt like I was deep inside a dream; it just didn't seem like it could possibly be happening.

[heatherwillmom]

I'm glad the worst is behind you now. I think the funerals are the worst.

[minniebeth]

Glad you got through the day :hug: I agree with the hardest being today. But still a long journey of grief and all that comes with it~ may you all start the healing.

[heatherwillmom]

Remember that we all grieve in different ways & none are wrong. Some people like to talk about our lost ones a lot & some don't. Whichever one makes you feel better is the right one for you. I lost a good friend in a car accident 3 years ago & I still haven't deleted her phone number from my phone. Ironically, her number was given to another friend, but in my contacts, it still has the name of my deceased friend. I know that kinda weird, but it keeps her memory alive for me.

[JerseyJanice]

That's sweet of you to keep your friend's number, Heatherwillmom. :hug:

When we went up to the casket for the last time, I squeezed George's wrist and asked him to watch over us because we can't go through this again anytime soon. It's too painful.

[JerseyJanice]

One day next week, I'm going to stop by the cemetery to make sure everything is O.K. That must sound nuts, but it's something I always do when we bury someone. GW Memorial Park is close to my office, and I often have business in Bergen Community College, so I might be able to fit a visit into doing something over there.

I'm still searching for some meaning and glimmer of hope out of this whole thing. One thing I can say is that I feel closer than ever before to my "nephew." (He was really George's nephew--I guess he's technically our second cousin) He's such a sweet boy. At the repast, he goes, "I hope Heaven has IHOPs for Uncle George." We laughed at that.

He's so cute; I can hardly wait to take him to Disney World in August and show him a good time. He and my son were so good throughout this ordeal, they deserve a great trip.

[minniebeth]

Sounds like you're hanging in there~
Planning and looking forward to a Disney trip can be healing, so that's great you are getting to. Your "nephew" is blessed to have you all in his life loving him.