DH has an addiction (warning: adult issue)

[alias]

First of all I just want to say that I am a long time DIS member but I did not feel comfortable posting under my "real" name. I hope that you don't mind my attempts to be incognito right now but I really feel like I need some advice and I can't go to my friends/family in real life. :(

My DH has an addiction to pornography. We have been together for almost 10 years and I have begged and pleaded for him to stop because I find it immoral and it makes me feel terrible. When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. Since we have been married we have had some BIG fights over this. He always promises to stop but as soon as I start to trust him again he goes right back. :( I caught him again on the computer last night looking at those websites. :mad:

I don't go snooping around on him but after he starts up again he usually gets a little lazy at covering his tracks and starts getting braver about when he will look at it. In this case I just walked into the living room after I had been in bed for a while because I wanted a drink. He was not expecting me to get up.

Over the years I forced him into counseling, etc. and nothing seems to help. He only goes because I want him to. He says that he wants to stop and that he does not know why he can't but he will not admit that he has an addiction. I don't know what to do anymore.

The whole situation just makes me furious. He is a very good husband/father in every other way but he will actually lie to me about this. He actually has the nerve to tell me that he lies so that he won't hurt me. :rolleyes:

I have kicked him out of the bedroom for now because he has really hurt me and I just don't want to share my bed with someone I cannot trust. He is very upset with my decision because he thinks I am being unreasonable.

Should I just learn to put up with this? I guess since I knew some of this went on before we were married I should not be able to complain now but he knew my feelings at the time then as well.

Any advice anyone can give is appreciated.

[Kermit]

I don't have any advice, but you'll be in my prayers. If you want some Christian guidance on this, Focus on the Family could probably give you some stuff if you called them.

[alias]

Thanks for your advice.

Actually we are Christians and I have tried that approach. :( DH is in denial because he doesn't think it is a sin and he really thinks that he does not have a problem.

I am really at the end of my rope. I have been dealing with this for far too many years. :(

[WDW2002]

I do not see anything wrong with looking at porn and enjoying it. But if he is truely addicted to it, then there is a problem. Does it cause real problems? Or does it just make you "mad" that he would want to look at naked women?

[kejoda]

First of all hugs for you. Since he doesn't think that this is a problem I don't see how you can get him to stop. maybe its time that you thought about yourself. If you can't live this way its time for him to go. It might be the only way for him to realize what he is doing is having a negitive effect on you. The first step I would make is to go into counseling by yourself and figure out if you can live with this or live alone. this is just what I would do for myself, only you know whats best for you. I will keep you in my Prayers.

[Blondie]

Does it consume his every waking hour, or is he looking at it as a recreational type thing? I think most men visit those sites, and if they say they don't, or never have, they're probably not telling the truth. Sure there may be a few men who really have no interest...but most do take a look now and then.

I really have no other advice except to say that if it really bothers you, and he can't stop out of respect for you, then he needs to make a decision as to what is more important, his marriage, or internet porn.

[DopeyRN]

I understand where you are coming from and I would be upset too. You have gotten some good advice. You are in my prayers.

[KaraKW]

I agree wholeheartedly with kejoda's advice. {{{HUGS}}}
Kara

[Kallison]

Since you said father - ask him how he would feel if his daughter made her living that way or how about you? I don't buy the argument that most men look at it, maybe when they are having raging hormones as teens. The raciest my DH gets is Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Would he want his kids to stumble across him looking at it, or all the spam emails that it generates? I would have a problem with that too. I hope you resolve the issue.

[fireplug]

I think before you do something like "tell him its time to go" maybe you should ask yourself if it is the naked pictures or the deceit and lying. Once you have that answer then talk to him about why you are hurting so much. Only when he fully realizes how much he is hurting you, can you expect any changes.

Good Luck ............

Steve

[one_cat]

Alias I understand how you feel, however I struggle with the idea that the marriage will end because of this problem. You say that he is a great husband/father in every other way. Does this addiction cause problems in your sex life or in any other part of your life. If so then you need to do whatever you can to either fix the problem or exit the situation/marriage. If not then maybe you should think about learning to live with it because you are obviously not going to change him. He needs to change himself. Is there any way that you can make it known to him that you haven't changed - you still hate the porn, but you love him and married him for better or worse and will live with his faults? No one is perfect. Is this really a big enough deal to destroy an otherwise good marriage?

It's a tough situation. I'll pray for you guys.

[Buckalew]

:( I, too, will keep you my prayers. I feel the same as Kallison. I am not a "boys will be boys" type of girl so I don't buy into that. Sure, I may be wrong about that but it is my standard and I won't let it in our house--computer or magazines. Luckily, it hasn't been an issue because I think it is probably hard to deal with.
I wish you all the best in what you decide that you need to do and what you all decide about the issue for the sake of your marriage.
Addiction is a terrible thing. (I'm addicted to the place --I'm serious--and would have a hard time never visiting here again.)

[Crissup]

Hmmm.... Let's see... Many couples are splitting because one side or the other can't remain faithful. In your case, you have a DH that looks at pictures on a web site. Regardless of the fact that he is a good husband and father, you want to split up over this. If this is truly a such a large issue with you that would split the family and end up forcing the children to live in a split home, then I suspect there are more problems here than just one person looking at porn.

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

[Liz]

Sometimes I think I must really live in an isolated world. I don't consider myself naive at all, but I'm really astounded that several people think this is no big deal.

Alias, I have no advice but I will pray for you. This would be a very big deal to me too. I'm sorry for the pain this is putting you through.

[Buckalew]

Liz, I feel the same way. God knows I must have been lucky to ended up with my DH because I'd make some man pretty miserable when it came to this subject! LOL
There are many women out there who are not bothered a bit by this activity (boys will be boys etc.) I guess I expect a lot more from DH.

[Mary Jo]

<font color=navy>Good luck in whatever decision you undertake.

I don't have any advice, just opinions, and I'll hold those.

I will, however, send you a hug. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with Dr. Laura's assessment of porn. It is NOT an addiction, it is a choice.

Now as far as me, my personal feeling aka what I would do...If he was choosing porn all the time over work, family, and me everyday, nope I couldn't handle that. If he was "chatting" with "gals" all night instead of coming to bed, nope I wouldn't take that either. I would cancel the internet and/or throw the monitor/and or computer in the trash or street or sell the darn thing. Then tell him well since counseling didn't work you thought you would try a different approach. I do love my computer but I love my family more.
If he occasionally looked at it well I might not like it but I wouldn't break up my family for that.

HUGS to you...I don't know the right answer for you, sounds like a difficult time.

[B3LM]

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities. First, I REALLY can't believe that comment!

I will tell you that I would be furious if my DH was spending time looking at internet porn. But, I also think that he would be absolutely furious with me if it were the other way around.

I kind of liked The Mystery Machine's advice on getting rid of the computer. (Although, I think I'd have to shoot my DH if he got rid of my computer so that I couldn't DIS! :smooth: )

I guess I look at it as a lack of respect for you. Have you considered going to counseling yourself to talk to someone about it? I did that when I was having family problems and it helped me tremendously.

I hope that you and your DH are able to work through this somehow.

[Tiger Fan]

I haven't dealt with this personally, but know of 2 families that things started this way and it only got worse. For this reason I feel that things must change. I also disagree with this "boys will be boys" kind of attitude and would not tolerate this kind of thing if it were upsetting me like it is you. My best to you, I will keep your family in my prayers.

Lisa

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by WDW2002
I do not see anything wrong with looking at porn and enjoying it. But if he is truely addicted to it, then there is a problem. Does it cause real problems? Or does it just make you "mad" that he would want to look at naked women?

Please forgive me, but I think that is a real rude and mean thing to say about her being "mad" because her husband looks at naked women. :mad: Are you married? Is it okay for your DH to look at a naked woman? Pornography is a sin....period!!! Read it in Matthew:
Matt 5:27-29
27"You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I have been right where you are now Alias with the exception of having children. DH was heavy into pornography and had the magazines too. Thank GOD, and it was HIM, DH is not there anymore. If you want to talk more one on one just PM me or email me. I know how you feel, really I do. I have sooooooo much more to say, but here is not the place.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and blessings to you sweetie.

Sincerely,

~~~Denise :wave: :wave:

[1DM]

Alias, I am greatly sorrowed to read of the "addiction", (I reguard pornography as a evil spirit of lust), that has come between a covenant that was taken before Almighty God. All I have as my guide is the Word of God. In Matthew 5, verse 27-30, Jesus said "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[5] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.(I believe this Word will find it's way to your DH. Not by you perhaps, but by another. It shows how strongly Jesus felt about this issuse) 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Do not parents have such a awesome responsiblity? To be intrusted with the raising of child! We should not pass on things like pornography and other sins to our children. And I believe that the children are effected by what the parents do; no matter what the age of the children or whether they see us do it or not.
I will pray for you as well, Alias. I will pray that Yahew (the Hebrew name for God) delivers your family from this evil spirit.

With Love and Blessings for you,

1DM

[WDW2002]

Originally posted by Tiggerlover91


Please forgive me, but I think that is a real rude and mean thing to say about her being "mad" because her husband looks at naked women. :mad: Are you married? Is it okay for your DH to look at a naked woman? Pornography is a sin....period!!!
That is YOUR opininon, which you are welcome to. I do not share your belief.
I believe that it is a valid comment. Does the husbands porn viewing cause "real" problems (does he become withdrawn, abusive etc) or is the problem in his viewing the material. I am not sure how that is rude or mean. It was a legitamate question.

My martial status is irrelevant. But since you asked I am single and NO I would not have a problem if I was married and my husband "looked at naked women," I would probably sit next to him while he did. :)

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by Crissup

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

:confused: :confused: :( :( .....wow....I just don't get it.

[Otimon]

Hugs. I know this is a difficult time for you.

I feel that you said one very important thing to consider here - that he is a good husband/father in every other way.

Please consider getting some help for yourself to deal with your feelings about this.

Best wishes.

[snoopy]

Hmmm, I almost never take the conservative side to issues, but I do with this one. I'm with those who don't buy the "boys with be boys" theory. I know my husband doesn't look at porn, and its a good thing, because I wouldn't have it if he did. I think its demeaning to women, and unhealthy to a marriage in general.

I don't know what to say about getting him to stop though. Especially if he doesn't feel like its a problem. I'll just send good thoughts your way and hope in the end it all works out for you and your marriage.

[iLovDisney]

I have 2 girlfriends whose marriages were ultimately destroyed by online porn. Both men started out by just viewing it. Both moved on to chat and email. Both eventually set up a meeting with a woman and began having affairs.

Both of these families were well-to-do, with big houses and beautiful children. Just another reminder that we should never be envious of someone else's life because we don't really know what's going on.

Alias, I'd say it would be helpful for you to find someone to talk to in real life. This online porn stuff is very prevalent so you won't be the only one the counselor has ever heard about this stuff from. Hopefully, the couselor can help you to come to specifics about why you hate your DH's behavior and can help you to list specifics to tell him. Maybe if you have calm rational reasons for wanting the junk out of your house, DH will find it less easy to ignore you.

Good Luck!

[Gail T AGAIN]

Correct me if I am wrong but most guys are stuck on porno, just the wifes don't know about it. I am not an expert but I think if a person is not happy with themself or the people around them then go to an extreme to make themself happy. Porno can be fun at times,( I am a female so I don't like it, I am talking on the guys perspective) but to overdo it is more then I could handle. he needs to get some type of counceling to figure out his feelings towards, him, you and the rest of his life. Good luck and keep us posted.

[tnkrbell]

I think the bottom line is You are uncomfortable with it and it is Your life so you are allowed to feel however you want and if it upsets you then you need to deal with this with your husband.And he should want to make you happy!! I hope it works out {{hugs}}
I do not agree with some of the posters who are saying it is a sin??!!:rolleyes: I say if it doesnt effect you what others do int he privacy of their own homes then stay out of it!!!

[ripleysmom]

"Over the years I forced him into counseling, etc. and nothing seems to help. He only goes because I want him to. He says that he wants to stop and that he does not know why he can't but he will not admit that he has an addiction. I don't know what to do anymore."

What did the counselor have to say? Did the counselor also agree that it was an addiction?

How often does he look at porn?


"The whole situation just makes me furious. He is a very good husband/father in every other way but he will actually lie to me about this. He actually has the nerve to tell me that he lies so that he won't hurt me."

Why is that nerve? It sounds to me like the truth. He enjoys looking at porn and you hate when he does. Why should he knowingly upset you and cause a fight if he can avoid it?


"Should I just learn to put up with this?"

I think that would depend on whether it is truly excessive. Without specifics about the number of times per day/week I couldn't make that determination.

What I can do is say that I would not dissolve my marriage over porn....I'd probably look to reap the benefits but that is the kind of person that I am.

I think you should ask yourself exactly why are you upset? Do you feel threatened by the pics that he is viewing? Do they make you feel less attractive? Obviously they make you feel something....you need to identify what that something is and deal with that.

If you can't get him to counseling, then I think that you should go to counseling by yourself.


As an aside, I agree with Crissup and WDW2002. I would also like to point out that the woman asked for advice. Some of the people on this thread may not like that advice but they are still entitled to give it. They asked valid questions and made valid points.

[Kermit]

In reference to the people who don't think that looking at porn is bad, it really doesn't matter if it's "right" or "wrong." Personally, I think it's wrong for a variety of reasons, but whether it's okay for other couples doesn't matter one little bit to you. You have a right to set expectations within your own marriage, as does your husband. He has to decide if he loves you enough to abide by those expectations. It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better.

You don't have to be like any other couple. You need to do what makes you happy. If pornography doesn't fit in your values (which your husband probably knew or at least suspected when you married, unless you've really changed your ways dramatically since your marriage), then you can be as upset and mad and hurt as you want to be.

[Mamu]

I am not a prude by any means, but I am a conservative person. Nudity does not bother me.

Visit any Art Gallery there is plenty of nudity some bordering on pornographic.

While I have no problems with viewing nudity. I do have problems with pornographic material. Especially if it borders unnatural pornographic material.
I do not know how serious your DH addiction is, or where his addiction lies. If it lies in viewing unnatural or hard-core pornographic material I would be concerned too. I wish I had a answer for you.

[CathyCanada]

Just wanted to remind people that Alias did ask for opinions and this is not the Debate board, others are entitled to their opinions.

And now for my 2 cents. I think a lot of good points have been made and because we are not in your home experiencing and seeing what you do, it is easy for us to pass judgment.

I would suggest that you go to counselling as a couple. Maybe then he will understand why it upsets you so much and if indeed, he IS addicted, he will continue the counselling because you would be together.

Whatever happens, I hope and pray that all turns out well for you.
Cathy

[B3LM]

Correct me if I am wrong but most guys are stuck on porno, just the wifes don't know about it. Gail, I won't be so bold as to say that you are wrong, but I strongly disagree with that statement.

[EROS]

Originally posted by alias
He is a very good husband/father in every other way

THINK about that statement!!!!!!!!

Life is FULL of potential addictions: ALCOHOL, DRUGS, SMOKING, GAMBLING, PORN, DIS, SEX, POWER, ETC.

Having one or more addictions doesn't make someone a TERRIBLE person. Hey, judge not yet ye be judged. There's nothing wrong with asking a mate to consider cessation and/or treatment of an addiction. However, we ALL know that addicted personalities can't change their behavior until THEY are self-motivated. Nagging, witholding sex and fighting don't accomplish ANYTHING..........in that regard, you're on the wrong track.

If personally you find his involvement with porn to be totally intolerable, then the only leverage which you have is to threaten separation/divorce. I guess you have to ask yourself how destructive his addiction is to your family..........I think that it would be near-sighted to abandon a man strictly because of a porn addiction, but I don't find it to be as venomous as do you.

Good Luck,

[SilverLily]

I have to say that I don't know one man who DOES NOT look at porn every now and then. Not all of them actively seek it out, but if a friend e-mails them a picture or a link to a site, they are definitely interested in looking at it.

However, if it gets like any other addiction (interferes with time with the family, too much money is spent on it, etc.), then it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. I don't know how often your DH is doing this, or how much money (if any) he is spending on this. I think more information would be needed to determine if it truly is an addiction, or if it is something that you just don't like.

If it truly is an addiction, I would say that you would have to get couple and individual therapy. If it is just something that irks you, that is more difficult. You have to let your spouse retain his individuality in the marriage. Just because you became a couple does not mean that he needs to change his personality and interests. But at the same time, he needs to be sensitive to your feelings. In this case, communication would be very important.

[CarolAnnC]

When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. Since we have been married we have had some BIG fights over this.

Alias, it appears to me that it is not only your DH who has "changed" since marriage, but also your own way of thinking has too. Perhaps you two can find a middle ground, a compromise. I think since he is a good husband and father, as you stated, the couple therapy is definitely a good idea.

Your long term marriage should be saved if possible, and it sounds like your family has lots going for it. Try to be understanding, and seek some professional help for both of you.

Best wishes...

[snoopy]

You have a right to set expectations within your own marriage, as does your husband. He has to decide if he loves you enough to abide by those expectations. It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better.


I agree wholeheartedly with that, Kermit. I don't think anyone can argue with that statement, regardless of their own personal feelings about porn.

[TheLionKing]

This is obviously a very difficult subject to discuss. For some couples and marriages, there is tolerance or frank acceptance of this behaviourand for others there is not.

Quoting biblical scriptures is fine amongst your christian friends, but not everyone on this board believes in the Bible.

Some people will debate over what the definition of pornography is. Clearly that is not the point of the thread.

Whether it be gambling, pornography, or sports... I never like to hear any couple or marriage destroyed because of an addiction.

I think you need to, as best as you can, step away from the situation and ask yourself these questions.

What bothers you more? Is it that he looks at it or that he lied to conceal his behaviour?

Why does pornography bother you?

What are your fears regarding pornography?

Why do you think he wants to view pornography?

Not to put any value judgement on anyone but there are many couples who use this material to enhance their lives in their view.

Ask yourself whether you could find any value in that kind of material?

These may be very tough questions to think about and answer truthfully because a lot of Americans have problems talking about this. I only have to point to the fact that you are using an alias.

After you answer those questions to yourself and have a pretty good idea where you stand then sit down and talk to your husband.

Maybe your husband should think about his own answers to those questions

Why does he think pornography bothers you? What does he like about it? Does he have any concerns or fears? Which does he think is worse...viewing the pornography or the fact that he is lying to you about it?

I won't be naive and say that you two will be able to work this out. But talking about it and understanding where each of you stand on these issues may help.

I hope you can come to a resolution that is good for all involved.

[bizybea]

Originally posted by WDW2002~

My martial status is irrelevant. But since you asked I am single and NO I would not have a problem if I was married and my husband "looked at naked women," I would probably sit next to him while he did.

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.

Also, there is a difference between "looking at naked women" and viewing pornography. Looking at naked women would be opening an issue of Playboy. Viewing pornography would be watching a man and a woman (or two women, or a group) engage in sexual activities. It's not like going to a gallery and viewing a nude sculpture, which I'm sure none of us would have a problem doing, it's viewing hard core material and, to me, would be the same as engaging in it. I think it's wrong.

Bring on the flames!

[Crissup]

Originally posted by Tiggerlover91
.....wow....I just don't get it.

I can see that. ;) Maybe the problem is, he doesn't either!

[TheLionKing]

People, the original poster is asking for advice.

She is not asking for your personal opinion on what is sinful or what you feel is or is not acceptable.

If it keeps going like this, then this will be banished to the Debate Board.

Let's try to stick to giving advice?

If you want to debate what pornography is and its cost to society, start it up on the Debate Board. We love those kind of discussions. :p

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea
it's viewing hard core material and, to me, would be the same as engaging in it. I think it's wrong.



No flames from me, but we clearly DISAGREE about this;) ;) . If viewing naked women is "stimulating" for a man......and brings on "erotic thoughts"........then how different is the viewing of couples engaged in sex..........which also is "stimulating".

I'm reminded of Jimmy Carter's apology years ago for experiencing, "Lust in my heart" , when he looked at Playboy:) :) .

EROS' view........... I would have preferred that Wild Bill Clinton enjoy hard core in the sanctity of the Oval Office than lure some 20 something-yr-old into the inner sanctums with a kiss and a cigar:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: ........

[6_Time_Momma]

Also, there is a difference between "looking at naked women" and viewing pornography. Looking at naked women would be opening an issue of Playboy. Viewing pornography would be watching a man and a woman (or two women, or a group) engage in sexual activities.

But, she didn't actually specify what he was doing. Maybe he is "just" looking at pictures. Everyone's definition of pornography is different.

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.

This is probably a broad assumption, too.

I guess if I were in the OP shoes, I would have to look at how DH is in the rest of the marriage. She already said he is a good husband and father, so it doesn't sound like he is neglecting her or her children in favor of the porn.

Obviously, he doesn't view it as a sin as she does. She knew he did it before they wer married.

I don't think it is as simple as "He would stop if he loved me."

Best wishes in whatever you decide.

[bizybea]

Originally posted by EROS:

If viewing naked women is "stimulating" for a man......and brings on "erotic thoughts"........then how different is the viewing of couples engaged in sex..........which also is "stimulating".

I guess that is true, I'm not a man so I don't know how a man would feel just looking at a naked woman. Men get turned on by anything! I guess my point is, if she feels uncomfortable with it, she shouldn't have to deal with it, and if her husband loves her and respects her, I would think that he would attempt to stop or seek council about it.

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea

I think the point here is that most women don't feel the same way, and to tell you the truth, most men wouldn't look if they had their SO with them.


Bizy, I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!!;) ;) ;) ;) . In fact, such tapes are also used by psychologists who treat sexual dysfunction. I can certainly respect that YOU would never view such a film, but others may feel quite differently:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: .....

[EROS]

Originally posted by bizybea
Men get turned on by anything!

Wait a minute, here:p :p :p :p .......

Mickey Mouse, poison ivy, seaweed, gum wrappers, and bagels do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) . Everything else in life has possibilities:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[ripleysmom]

" I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!!"

Really Eros?



(whistles innocently as she looks for that halo smiley....)

[SilverLily]

It doesn't matter if your expectations are completely random, such as no wearing purple on Thursday. If it bothers you, he needs to decide if he loves you enough to make you feel better. Well, snoopy, leave it to me to argue with what Kermit said above. :)
I don't agree that it doesn't matter if her expectations are completely random. If she has unrealistic expectations or silly expectations (I'm not saying that the OP does, just any married person in general), then it would be a recipe for disaster to ask a spouse to live up to them. I just think that the "you would change if you love me" attitude is a dangerous game to play. It could lead to resentment down the line. I think it would be much better for BOTH parties to come to some sort of compromise, than to see one person sit back and watch the other one jump through hoops to please them.

(Edited to say that I feel this way only about things that may bother one partner in the marriage....not about addictions. If one spouse has an addiction, then obviously you wouldn't make a compromise about the addiction.)

[EROS]

Originally posted by EROS


Bizy, I'd also point out that many couples rent porn films which they view TOGETHER!!!!!!;) ;) ;) ;)


LOL, Ripleysmom:) :) :) :) :) . OF COURSE, I want to make it clear that I'd NEVER suspect that ANY DISers would rent such tapes; we're waaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooo righteous here to engage in such activity.................... I was referring to the REST of society:p :p :p :p ..........

[ripleysmom]

;)

[Saffron]

Hi alias -

I hear what you're saying and I understand your feelings. Trust is an important foundation in any relationship. No matter where the two of you stand on the issue of pornography, I hope you are able to come to an agreement that is satisfactory for both of you. It sounds like you truly love each other, but there are trust issues that are driving a wedge between you two. It sounds like you would like to stay together and that you want to work things out. I hope you can. :) Best wishes to you.

[one_cat]

Maybe I should post a poll: Who rents erotic movies to enhance their sex life? Nah - better not go there. :p :p :p :p

[jipsy]

I guess I am wondering what Alias' definition of "looking at porn" is. Is he checking out Jennifer Anniston in her nakedness or is he downloading the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video and watching that?

My boyfriend and I have looked up porn on the internet together, because he's not very computer savvy and he didn't know how to find it :p It doesn't bother me that he likes to look at beautiful women's bodies; in fact, I reap the benefits :) But regardless, there are also some pretty whacked out things out there, like women and animals which we both find disgusting.

Everyone's feeling on this subject is different. I think that TLK gave some very good advice for Alias - great questions they both need to sit down and ask themselves and talk about. Whether it's a moral issue for Alias that her husband looks at this, or if it makes her feel less of a woman because he finds other women attractive are things they both need to discuss and understand.

Personally, I could care less if my boyfriend looks at it. As I said earlier, it turns him on and I get the benefit of that. Not all men go from looking at naked women on the net, to finding chat rooms and then having internet affairs. Some just enjoy a woman who has a good body. I'm never going to be a Victoria's Secret model and I know that and I am comfortable with that. The women who have the body to wear VS in an advertisement have chosen to look that way and more power to them. I understand that he appreciates their beauty and their hard work, but I also understand that he comes home to me every night and I wake up next to him every morning and when we are intimate, it is me he is with. He chooses to be with me. So, I am confident enough in our relationship to trust him. Which is what I really think this is all about. Confidence in herself as a woman and trust in her husband.

Every couple is different. Every couple has to decide what works for them. There are very deep seated issues in our society over this subject and everyone has an opinion. Counseling about sexual feelings would be the best route for Alias and her husband. Telling him to leave because porn makes YOU uncomfortable is not the best route. Neither is spouting off bible verses; as someone said earlier, not everyone believes in the bible. You need to truly find out why it makes you uncomfortable and he needs to find out why he needs to continue to look at it, even behind your back.

Best of luck to you. If I were you, I would go find a counselor who specializes in this field, rather than ask 30,000 people on an internet BB.

[EROS]

LOL, ONE_CAT:):) :) :) :) .

I think that you should focus instead upon your membership in the Hang 'Em High club:) :) :) . I mean, let's face it..............Porn tapes are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar more IMMORAL than STATE SPONSORED MURDER;) ;) ;) ;) . Right??? Of course, Right:cool: :cool: :cool: ..........

[one_cat]

Jipsy - I love your clipart...

[one_cat]

Eros I was thinking of branching out. However I see your point. Discussing erotica is pretty much uncharted territory on the dis while discussing murder and execution is really quite passe'. Maybe I should stick with what is safe? Or maybe, like you, I should live on the edge? Hmmm... I can make that decision tomorrow...

[Blondie]

and if her husband loves her and respects her, I would think that he would attempt to stop or seek council about it.

This also could be said in reverse....if SHE loves him and respects him, then she would accept the fact that he enjoys viewing naked woman in the privacy of his own home. And if they truly respect each other, they could come to some kind of compromise.

I look at it this way....as long as he's holding down a job (and the internet porn isn't effecting his job) and he's a good/loving husband and a good/loving father, let him have his "hobby." I would hope that he has enough decency to not let your children have access to the porno sites, or be in his presence when he is enjoying his "hobby."

It's when it starts interfering with his family life and his job, and when he starts avoiding his family and responsibilities that it becomes a problem/addiction--JHMO.

Alias, I truly hope you can work through this together with your DH. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Claudia1]

Being married for 26 years, I can tell you that I would be quite offended if I ever found evidence in the computer "history". Not only is it sneaking around behind my back (doing something that has never been a part of our marriage), it is not being honest and would definitely affect other parts of our marriage and family like.

When it comes times to discuss puberty and such personal questions, I would feel a distrust about him doing it. If he lies to me, how can I be sure that our kids would not find out in some fashion?

We have had to learn how to "hang tough" together. Any addiction would be hard for me to handle, personally, and would interfere with our united relationship.

I know that some public websites sell email addresses and porn spam is common. I would be offended if I saw a barrage of them everytime I checked emails.

Many aspects of our church life would be uncomfortable. Certain sermons would always cause pain on my part.

I would always wonder if the intimate times were because he loved me or for another reason.

These are just my opinions. You may not agree. You don't have to agree. Opinions are just that...... opinions.

I will be praying for you.

[Buckalew]

From OP's original post:

When we were dating I knew that he looked at it occassionally but I figured what guy doesn't and I had no idea the extent of it. 's

Somewhere along the line I think you were mislead into believing this and accepting this as "boys will be boys" behavior. If you hadn't thought this was normal activity then you may have discussed it before your marriage. I'm really sorry that you ever thought this since it is not acceptable to you--esp. now. Porn is so much more accessible nowadays that it will only be a worse problem in the future--well, only for us who would feel it a problem. Others will be reaping the benefits.

Again, good luck to you.

[Jenzebelle]

Chalk me up as someone that's going to Hell because not only have I looked at pornography with my husband, I have purchased it for him :eek:

Think of me what you will, but as long as he's just looking at pictures and is not seeking elsewhere for his..um...physical fulfillment, I see nothing wrong with it. To me, it's no different from me or anyone else reading trashy romance novel.

I can see where it would bother any woman to have her husband look at porn. I have wondered what those women have that I don't (besides tons of airbrushing) but really it is no different than me reading one of those really steamy and trashy romance novels. Men are turned on more by visual than by literary means.

I would rather have my husband watching porn than out gambling or taking drugs or doing a hundred other things that are more destructive and clandestine. At least this way I can reap the benefits when he is aroused, and we can spicen up our love life by discussing exactly what turns him on about what he sees and how we can incorporate it into real life.

Good luck to you, Alias. I really think TLK offered excellent advice as well as others here. Please take it to heart.

[bumcat]

IMO - It's very difficult to give advice when we do not know how serious this has become. Alias you made a statement that you knew about this before marriage and you seemed ok with it then, so either you have changed and you can no longer tolerate it or he has gotten so deep in the porn that it is seriously causing problems in your marriage. You do state he is a good father/husband so I'm wondering if it's pretty much the same as before you were married? IMO - it's hard to ask someone to change if that is the way they have always been. He will need to be the one to decide when to change, you can't control that but you can ask him to agree not to view or bring porno in the house, I believe that might be a good alternative? or a start?

Eros: Your viewing seawood in the wrong way it can actually be quite sexy, next time find a nice spot overlooking the water, on a nice sunny day, and watch the seaweed sway to and fro with the ripples in the water.

[EROS]

Bumcat, after reading your post, I'm going to forever look at seaweed in a different light;) ;) ;) .

EROS stands up and applauds JENZEBELLE for her HONESTY:) :) :) :) :) ............and here I thought that I was the ONLY DISer headed for HELL:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid22/pa3b47a23a3352901c0abb7bf11ce956b/fda55517.gif

Of course, I KNOW that there are NO DISers who view R-Rated movies which show................NUDITY..........and couples actually MAKING LOVE:jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: . How SINNNNNNNNNNNNNFUL!!!!!!!!:p :p :p :p :p

[newmousecateer]

I do not know the correct advise to give in this situation.

I do know thatI am sending you major {{{HUGS}}}

[Mskanga]

It seems to me there's a deeper issue here...I personally don't find anything wrong with that, I know A LOT of people, male and female who look at porno on the internet , I don't see anything wrong with it as long as it doesn't interfere with anything.

[Straycat]

Here is my advice for you, think about love. Do you truly love your husband, if yes, then dont break up the marraige. Work it out somehow. You dont want to lose love. Its too precious a gift.
All he wants is to spend sometime checking out porno sites getting a bit of a turn on, I dont see that it should be a big deal. He cant be going too overboard with it because u say the computer is in the living room, so he is only looking at night when the family is asleep, right? its a release for him, we all need to wind down from the stress of the day somehow, thats his way. If he was doing some drugs everynite, that would be a problem, because he would be endangering his health, but checking out some porno sites, thats just him stimulating his sexual part of himself, not so terrible. Porno doesnt have to be thought of as a bad thing, its all in your perspective. good luck working this out, remember this above all else, love is what matters..

[Beauty]

John and I have looked at porno together many times. Somtimes we laugh our heads off, sometimes we watch it. John has looked at naked women on the net and he has a few Playboys although they are mostly really old....I think the latest one he has is of Chyna from WWF. Heck we've even looked at naked men and laughed. This isn't daily...if it was daily then yes I would see it as a problem. I would say more like once or twice every 2 months.

Anyway thats besides the point, the point that I see is about trust. If I had a problem with John looking at naked women on the internet I would say so and he would stop. I have no doubt of that. He respects me, loves me and trusts me. I just don't have a problem with it because its so rare. I do believe the men will be men saying because I also know women look...I would be lying through my teeth if I said I didn't look at men that were attractive.

Honestly I would say John and I have an excellent relationship and marriage. We hardly ever fight and we play and laugh all the time. I would definatly say that the two of you need to really talk because this is obviously hurting your marriage. If it takes someone else talking to the two of you then yes do that. Good luck to you!

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

Wow, this is spooky. I just read an article in the Sept issue of Good Housekeeping that is simliar to your story in some ways. Not sure if it is the same as your situation, but you may want to read it. You/he should seek outside help if this bothers you in anyway. I hope things work out for you!

[alias]

Well I don't even know where to begin to respond to some of the comments that have been directed at me. Firstly, I did ask for advice and opinions so I was ready to accept whatever came my way. Secondly, it is very hard to give someone a complete picture of what is occurring in a short post and it was pointed out multiple times that perhaps people needed more information to give a good opinion and/or advice.

I guess I call DH's issue an addiction because he has admitted that he cannot stop. To me if you are engaging in any behavior in a compulsive manner to such a degree that you are physically unable to stop then that is an addiction. As I also mentioned one of the biggest issues is simply an issue of trust. Call me old-fashioned but trust is probably the single most important part of a marriage relationship. A marriage without trust, IMHO, is not a good marriage. It has been touched upon that perhaps my real problem with DH is an issue of trust and not an issue with pornography. That is partially true - I do have an issue with trust in this area but I also have a problem with the pornography.

I have been pretty much made out to be a prude in this thread and several others that have sprouted up on various boards. I do not have a problem with nudity in most contexts. I have ZERO problem with DH looking at art or even the SI swimsuit edition. I have a problem with the types of material that he views on the internet. If this was just an issue with Playboy I would probably have a little more tolerance although I certainly would not be happy. When I mentioned I knew he viewed pornography when we were dating it was more of the soft-core Playboy variety. Over the years it has become racier for lack of a better word.

I do want to thank those of you who took my post seriously and didn't just feel the need to say things such as my DH must only look because he doesn't get any. :rolleyes: I even appreciate those of you who disagree with me but where able to express your disagreement in an adult manner. I am very well aware that strangers on an internet bb are not going to give me the answer to my problem but I was hoping that maybe I could be led to a helpful resource to help DH and I deal with this issue. We have talked this issue to death and we always end up in the same place so any new resources that could be directed my way could only help.

Ending my marriage is not something that I would ever take lightly. In fact I never mentioned that I was considering ending my marriage but apparently many thought that is what I was advocating. I simply stated that I was at the end of my rope and that I kicked him out of our bedroom. He understands that me not wanting to sleep in the same bed with him is much more an issue of trust than the porn.

I was looking for help in dealing with this issue. We have done couples therapy in the past, he has been in therapy on his own (where by the way the therapist did feel like he had an addiction) and we have not had much success. Things may temporarily improve but like all addictions there are often relapses especially since DH does not feel that he really has a problem.

Once again I want to thank those of you who were helpful.

[EROS]

ALIAS, I would agree that TRUST is central to any healthy relationship. However, LYING is part of any addictive behavior when a loved one tries to exact a "promise" that their mate's addiction will "stop". You see the SAME THING in alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking. I had a patient whose husband beseeched her to give up cigarettes; in desperation, she'd smoke in the bathroom at home and then try to evacuate the smoke with a fan:( :( . She "lied" to him but felt that she had no choice.

You certainly have a right to feel repugnance about pornography is you so choose. I personally see it as much less damaging than other addictions in a marriage, but you and I may differ.
However, IF you set up false expectations of your DH, he most likely will LIE, and you will feel BETRAYED. I'd therefore urge you NOT to exact promises.........they're more destructive than productive. JMHO............

[one_cat]

Eros - you are so right!!! It comes down to are you willing to live with the guy the way he is because you aren't going to change him. Unfortunately it always comes back to you.

PS if he is looking at kiddie porn or something like that you need to get him to stop by any method necessary. That will get him thrown in jail.

[TigerBear]

If he is looking at kiddie porn, you have way more important issues than him going to jail.

:confused: :confused: :confused:

[Beauty]

I agree with Eros as well on his point...it makes perfect sense. In all the years I worked with my father, his best friend would come over to smoke. Its because he had promised his wife 4 years ago that he would quit...he didn't. I don't know that I completly agree that he CAN'T but I know how hard it is. I have a stupid addiction to Diet Cokes and I have tried to quit...I just don't have the willpower.

Maybe an important question might be....does he think hes hurting anything? I know he must know its hurting you but does he think you are overreacting or does he realize what a serious issue this is with you? I by no means think you are wrong in your beliefs.....If someone believes in something then that belief is important to them and I don't think anyone has the right to say you are a prude or wrong. Different people choose to live their lives in different ways....what is important is that both partners in a relationship/marriage get along with the decisions of their partner and trust is so key! Am I making any sense?

John has always looked at Playboy, stopped on Cinemax during "adult" content (SSC is the initials I believe) and also looked at the free naked pictures on the internet. I'm also curios so I've looked as well. I don't know if it makes a difference that John is the only person I've been with, and I'm the only person he's been with. NEVER EVER would John cheat on me. Our marriage is super strong but we enjoy looking and discussing this subject...maybe I'm getting to deep...but there are many times I'll ask him "Do you like her body....Why or Why Not" I'm not jealous in the least bit...and John does the same with me...its just curiosity but its also sharing.

Okay that was long and I don't know if I even got my point across but I truly wish you all the luck in the world. It does bother me that he says He can't stop...because that sounds like an addiction. At this moment I would say I CAN'T STOP with my Diet Cokes (I know thats different but its the same too) ....anyway {{HUGS}} and best wishes to you!!

[Nikole]

Wow tough issue!

AND snoops we better mark this one down in the books as the day you were more conservative than I! ;)

I honestly have no problems with pornography (unless of course it's something VERY vile or illegal.....) If John wanted to look....he's free to do so. If I want to look...... I know that I am free to do so.

I don't find it degrading or demeaning to women. Quite honestly....um from my ..... LIMITED ...... experience :) the women don't seem to be too unhappy! ;) OK OK just a joke to lighten people up! ;)

Seriously though, I think the biggest issue is the trust and lack of respect that I think alias's husband is showing. ALTHOUGH not being there not knowing how things are handled it's easy for us to take one position or another and not get it right. If he completely disregards your feelings then yes there is a problem. If he wants to try to reach some sort of compromise......ie not doing certain online activities or limiting them or something than I don't think it is fair for it to be an all or none solution. Compromise is key. It's not compromise if he's just giving in to your demands. While I would do my best to always show my husband respect, if there is an issue I feel strongly about and he feels JUST as strongly about it's opposite.......I can't just CHANGE my entire opinion just to suit his. Communication and compromise are essential. When this can't be reached on your own, then I think that counseling is necessary.

IF this is truly an addiction (interrupting work, spending lots of money, etc) then I'd say he needs some help. If it is because he's hiding it because he doesn't want to upset you then I'd say it's not very respectful BUT he hasn't been given any alternatives that he can live with either.

[EROS]

Of course, everyone has their own value systems:) :) :) . Please don't forget my good buddy, WILD BILL CLINTON.

Here's a man who has multiple extramarital affairs throughout his marriage. A man, who as Governor of his state, would jog over to his girlfriend's apartment weekly for sex and then jog back to the Governor's mansion. Soooooooooooo, he runs for the Presidency in 1992 and 1996 and is overwhelmingly reelected. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but he still felt lonely soooooooooo he latched on to MONICA for a little R&R :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: . Then, perhaps because of his "SEX ADDICTION", or complete lack of CONSCIENCE, he :

LIES TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE .

I personally find his behavior to me MUCH MORE REPREHENSIBLE than a man's viewing of Pornography over the Internet.However, most Americans disagreed and gave him their vote and respect.

[Beauty]

Not this American EROS! Being very close to Little Rock I have heard story after story about this man...YUCK! The funny thing is most of the respectable people from his own state can't stand him!

[Blondie]

However, most Americans disagreed and gave him their vote and respect.

I didn't vote for him either! I would've rather had Ross Perot for President!:rolleyes:

[Smee]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you some {{hugs}} and to say that I hope that whatever you do it works out for the best.

[poohandwendy]

Alias,
The absolute best thing you can do is to use this as an opportunity to learn more about eachother. When you attack, threaten and make it a power struggle ...it is likely that he doesn't see you as wife anymore...he sees you as 'mommy'. There is no way for honesty in the marraige if one of the spouses feels that they will be condemned, ridiculed and shamed for their behavior.

I think the best approach is to sit down and have some honest discussions about fantasy and sexuality. He may be looking at something he doesn't have the guts to ask you for in bed, he may be using porn as an escape from reality. The only way to really get past a problem is to face it head on. This has to be in a calm manner or nothing will be resolved.

You don't have to be open to his viewing porn, but please try to be open to his feelings about it. If he feels he can actually be honest with you without being shamed (or kicked out of the bedroom)...you both may really have an opportunity to enrich your relationship.

I suspect that much of what bothers you is the sneakiness and jealousy over what he gets out of it and if he finds you less interesting than these 'other women', you may be bothered because after 10 years... things just aren't as romantic as they used to be... I am just supposing, only you know how you feel. But if anything I have said is true...your talking to him may reveal that he has a totally different viewpoint.

You two really need to talk, without threats and shame. I hope you find no offense in my post, none was meant. I truly hope you and your DH can find a way to not only resolve this conflict but to respect each other in the process.

Good Luck,
wendy

[poohandwendy]

Oops, hit the post rather than edit button...
I wanted to add that the best, most constructive talks I have had with my DH are when I talk about how his behavior affected me rather than accusing him of trying to hurt me. It it usually unlikely that your spouse purposely does things to hurt you...more often they are thinking of themselves only and not how their actions are going to affect someone else. If you push him into a corner with threats, it is highly likely he will just become better at lying to you to avoid the fight. IMO, it is better to actually resolve the issue completely through some sort of compromise. If you accepted this in the beginning of the relationship, it is also likely that he doesn't understand why you think it is such a big deal now. Just things to think about.
Again, good luck,
wendy