Am I wasting my time..and my life?

[Katie]

I have been married for 15 yrs on Thursday. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs. The last yr has been mostly downs. I suspected an EA which he denies! However, I caught him in too many lies for this relationship to purely plantonic. Anyway, that relationship ended as soon as I spoke of my fears and suspisions.

However, ever since then(like 8-10 mos). He has been more of a roomate than a husband. Sex which was never a problem in the past..is seldom..and I am usually the agressor(which is definiately different!!) He spends most of his free time with the kids(16,10,8). When we do go out alone..it seems like we have to struggle to keep a conversation going unless It concerns the children. He does NOT want to communicate about anything. He is verbally abusive 75% of the time to me..infront of the children. Which frightens me..because I don't want my sons to think this is acceptable behavior or my daughter to think that it is OK to be treated like that.

I never know if MR.Nice Husband or Mr. Mean husband is coming home. He says nothing is wrong..but actions speak louder than words. He sleeps in our bed about 25% of the time.

Our 15th Anniversay is Thursday and he scheduled soccer practice until 730 pm! He is the coach! We talked about going away for the weekend and then he remembered he has a soccer clinic he didn't want to miss. I tried to no LB(love bust..or in other words..create trouble), and I said no problem. But talking today..he said..he probably won't even go. But it is too late to go anywhere now..so I just forget it! I am only 34..and keep wondering...am i wasting my time and my life?

[iluvorlando]

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry.:( ((((Hugs)))))

[mickey65]

Listen to what your heart tells you and you will find your answers.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[POLLY ANN]

Katie, only you can make that decision for yourself.

(((((Hugs))))))) and pixie dust coming your way to help you make the best decision for you and your family.

[pajamommy]

Do you think he'd consider going to counseling with you? Maybe that would help. Do you still love him? You shouldn't have to put up with the verbal abuse, you are right about your kids seeing it and being affected. Good luck to you, let us know how you're doing.

[Kallison]

Does he keep feelings to himself? Is something bothering him, job security, stock market, financial security? I would definitely try counseling before throwing in the towel. Praying for a happy outcome for your family. DH and communicate a lot about staying together, I couldn't imagine going it alone with three kids. But as Dear Abby always says - Are you better with him or without him? Only you can decide.

[Jingle]

I also think you should try counseling. If he won't go with you, then maybe going yourself would help you to sort out your feelings.

I really hate advocating divorce, but having him be verbally abusive, especially in front of the kids, is not acceptable. This must cause you, and the kids, so much stress!! I say that because my ex could be like night and day, and you never knew how he was going to be. Good luck to you and your kids.

[snowwhitemom]

Forgive me if this sounds too blunt or abrasive but You said" I don't won't my son to think this is accetable behavior or my daughter think that's it okay to be treated like that." I couldn'
t agree with you more, so in all your many decesions that you have to make sure that you never comprimise . Best wishes and lots of hugs I send your way....I think 34 is very young and I just got there myself.
:(

[browneyes]

{{hugs}} I live with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde also.:(

[Jingle]

I could never go back to living with a Dr Jekyl, Mr Hyde type like my ex was. I didn't know how peaceful and relaxing life could be! I didn't have to worry anymore about what kind of a mood he would be in or if he would go off in one of his moods and embarrass me in front of other people. My kids were young and I worried about taking care of them alone, and then I found out how much easier life was with him gone. It was hard to go through, but worth it. I think it was better for the kids, even though there have been many aspects that have been very difficult for them.

He's been my ex for over 10 years, and he hasn't changed a bit. He's already been through another divorce (his 3rd). My kids really dislike visiting him because he's a liar and a control freak, which they figured out all by themselves along the way.

I met my SO when I wasn't looking. I was just enjoying being by myself. But, we like to do most everything together and we are very compatible. We very rarely have an argument. I like it this way.

[Mamu]

Sending {{{HUGS}}} You both need to open the lines of communications. This can not be one-sided.

Talk to him about counceling. It sounds like both of you need to get things out in the open.

[Katie]

Thanks to all...just someone to talk to ..is great. Only a few friends know what goes on here...actually only 1..although a few suspect.

Sometimes..I think maybe his moods are because of my pushing to communicate.

If I leave things be...we just co-exisit...if I push things..we usually fight. What really is the difference? Tonight, he has been outside..since the time he came in except to eat dinner. He is out staining the deck in the dark...it that avoidance of me..or determination to finish the task? Sometimes, I just don't know!

I bought Dr. Phil's relationship Rescue book..has anybody had any success with this?

He is against counseling. "waste of money". He says nothing is wrong... i guess living with a stranger is "right" in his book.

[Jennyfyar]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you two will at least go into counseling before making a final decision about your marriage. 15 years is a long time. Good luck in what ever decisions you make.

[Serena]

Katie, first of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( I should probably be the last person to give advice but here goes.

If he is abusive, it doesn't matter how much you may still love him, tell him to stop. He isn't allowed to do that any more. If he doesn't stop, then tell him to leave. It's not good for you, for the kids or anyone.

I read Dr. Phil's Rescue book and I highlighted all the stuff that pertains to me, him and us. A lot of it was highlighted.lol
I think we are going to make it. I realized we had been fighting over something that happened tooo many years ago. The rest of the stuff was just stuff.
I think the book will help us and I like Dr. Phil's attitude. :)

I hope you will be happy, whatever happens. It's never a waste to try, you will be able to tell yourself that you did all you could. If it doesn't work, then so be it. You will survive, no matter what.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

[JohnTBap]

I have no advice. Just a {{{HUG}}}

[JasonLyons]

of coure your not "wasting your time" this is important

[Deb in IA]

This is not my field, but Katie, if this is an abrupt change for your husband, he may be experiencing depression or other mental health problems. Not to excuse his behavior in any way, but maybe he should talk to his doctor about this.

Good luck . . .

[Dan Murphy]

My prayers and best wishes are with you both, Katie, as you try to solve the puzzle. As mentioned, the counseling may be worth a try.

[Pumbaa_]

Hi Katie, first {{{hugs}}}, you can never have too many hugs!

Women tend to be the nurturers, the fixit people, and the worriers. Those are good things, it is part of who we are.

The questions only you can answer are is he worth the time, energy, and emotional commitment? If he is not, it is time to make a decision. Where do you see yourself in a year, 2 years, 5 years, 30 years? Do you see yourselves growing old together, sharing dreams? When the kids leave home, will you rejoice in your new found freedom or will you continue to drift apart or worse, have a 'sport' of scoring points off of each other?

What do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to obtain it? Only you can answer.

There is always a sounding board here, full of people who truly care and are here to listen whenever you need an ear or to just vent. (Lord knows we all need that.) And it is a safe place to do so. Often it is hard to involve friends that you see all the time, because they are there. Anonymous is sometimes preferred.

Take care Katie!

[helenabear]

I have nothing more I could add to what others have said. Just tons of {{{hugs}}} and best wishes to you. I hope you both can work things out!

[The Mystery Machine]

Katie, hugs to you and the difficult time you are going thru. I honestly don't know what is the right answer for you.
You will find the right way to go about taking care of yourself.

[Joanne M]

I am going to be blunt, because that is just how I am. But please don't take offense, since what I say is meant in a caring way.

You asked a yes-or-no question, so I will give you that kind of answer.....Yes.

As long as the situation remains the same, this is a huge waste of time and life for you, as well as for your kids. You indicate your husband sees nothing wrong with the situation, so he has no reason to try and change things. He is comfortable with living this way, so you need to decide what is best for you. He has taken himself out of the picture and made it your problem/responsibility.

I am another one who advocates counseling. You can go for marriage counselling, or individual. Even if he won't go, you still need to go for yourself. You should also consider taking your kids as well. They need help as much as you do.

Your children already have witnessed their father's behavior, and seen that you tolerate it. They know it is acceptable to behave abusively themselves, and that it's OK for others to treat them that way. Anything you say to the contrary goes right out the window, because your actions override your words.

A friend is in a similar situation, although the roles are reversed. When I told him that he deserved to be treated with dignity and respect by his wife, he broke down in tears. Obviously I struck home with that comment, and validated the feelings he had been struggling with for a long time.

Start taking better care of yourself. You need to be healthy for your kids, and to show them you and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, to quote Dr. Phil. This is the very least you should expect as part of your marriage. And remember you have friends here who care about you!

[Gillian]

Here are some more {{hugs}} & good wishes!

I can't help you answer your question, but for now, I'd agree with getting counseling for youself. And work on your relationships with your friends & your kids (& yourself!), to make your life the best it can be, with or without his support!

[Katie]

Well..thanks eveybody for the words of wisdom. I have taken everything you said with a great deal of thought and tears.

Today is our 15th Wedding Anniversary. I left a card on his sink and in his car. Prior to even getting up this morning..he did remember it was our Anniversary and said Happy Anniversary..I love you! I guess that might be as good as it gets here. I don't know if he has any suprises up his sleeve...the optimistic one that I am..always hopes so..only to usually get disappointed.

I sent an office plant and a balloon to his office today...I didn't know what else to do...because we usually buy anything we really want. In the past..I would have planned something more romantic..and actually bought me something slinky..but anymore..I don't think that is what he wants..that would be more what I want. I am trying to figure out what he wants.

I want to thank you all..for your continued support.

katie

[Katie]

oops..had to take email notification off immediately...don't want to stir the pot at home..sorry..for the double post!

[Kitty 34]

I hope things work out for you, Katie.


Happy Anniversary!:D

[preshi]

Man do I feel you! Today is another one of those days when I wonder why I am wasting my time. I actually literally feel like I hate my husband today! Nice huh? I can't wait to be divorced.

{{{Hugs}}} to you... I also feel like I've wasted my time... and I've only been married 4 years!! Please PM me if you need to vent...

[Serena]

{{{hugs}}} to you both Katie and Preshi. It's so hard trying to figure out the right thing to do. I wish the best for you two.

[Evil Princess]

I'm 17, but one of my biggest fears in life is being divorced. Call me crazy, but perfect marrages are so rare now adays...I can genuinely say that I don't know one couple over the age of 40 who are still in love with each other, and that frightens me.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through Katie. Your kids are still young, but ask yourself something before you do something drastic...how will the kids react? How will it affect their lives?

I know thats incredibly unselfish...but isn't that sort of what parenting is? I don't know, I'm young, but I live in a very unhappy household. My father constantly verbally abuses my mother, and I can't stand it. I have stuck up for her since I was a little girl, resulting in my father shifting the abuse on to me.

I don't mind, we're sorting out our problems now. But seriously, if my parents got divorced, my world would fall apart. I do love both my parents, and when we are all happy, its wonderful. But when we're not..ugh.

It's getting better, and I do suggest counseling. It's working wonders. Ask your kids how they're feeling about "mommy and daddy" at home. Chances are, they've picked up on the problems in the relationship. See if they're affecting them.

I'm going to stop babbling now...I just think that divorce is something that is needed in some situations, but often abused as an easy way out. Every situation is different, hopefully your heart will tell you what is right. Deep down inside, you'll prob. know what the right solution is.

hugs, hope everything works out...
Amy

[LuvTigger]

Katie,

I hope things work out for you either way and that he will at least consider counseling or maybe reading a good relationship book.

I wanted to mention something else though, because I've known a couple of people in similar situations, one which turned out well (they went to counseling and worked things out), one which turned into a really ugly divorce...if all of your assets are combined, please consider having some of your own things, like a separate savings account only in your name and a credit card.

The person I know going through an ugly divorce had all of their assets combined (two houses, credit cards, etc.) and they also have 3 children together. Basically, he ran up the credit cards knowing that he had no intention of paying the bills and ruining not only his credit, but hers (which he did intentionally). He filed for bankruptcy, and now the creditors are after her, when she had nothing to do with running up the debt. Now she might be forced to file for bankruptcy.

I'm not saying to cancel whatever you have together (unless you get to a point that warrants it -- if things ever do get that bad, make sure you cancel all the joint credit cards immediately), because you probably don't want to aggravate the situation, but please keep that in mind and consider opening a savings account and credit card in your own name only if you don't already have one, so that you have something of your own to have "just in case."

Again, I hope things work out for you in the best way.

[Boots]

No advice, but a big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

[Gillian]

Amy, you seemed to have figured out a secret about marriage - there really aren't any perfect ones! People are people, and they have problems. It sounds like your family is on the right track - trying to make it work together. That's about as perfect as you can get :)

Hang in there Katie!

[LuvTigger]

I wanted to add something else after reading Evil Princess' post (I guess we were posting at the same time!).

I think at this point it's very important to keep the lines of communication open with the kids and try to get an idea of how they're feeling at this point.

I agree with Evil Princess' view that people often use divorce as an "easy out" without really making an effort to work things out (although it sounds as though you are making a wholehearted effort), and it can affect children in a negative way.

However, it depends on the children...the children of the person I know going through the ugly divorce are actually doing much BETTER now that their parents have separated. They have no contact with their father, and ever since that happened, their grades have gotten better and they are much more emotionally stable and happy. Of course, it depends on the situation and the attitudes of your children, so it's up to you to make the decision on how a separation would affect them.

Again, best wishes to you.

[Evil Princess]

Oh yes, of course it depends on the situation and on the children. If you're in an abusive marrage or the kids would be better off if the parents split, then by all means, do whats best for your situation.

[faith]

HI Katie. Hugs to you through this difficult time. Maybe I read your post wrong, but between the lines it seems like you are blaming yourself more than your DH. Please say to him what you have posted here. Your relationship does sound like it is in serious trouble and I hope you both get counseling. Don't keep in the dark about finances either, or become a doormat for him. I've been happily married for 35 years but we have had our ups and downs. Marriage has to be a give and take effort with both parties respecting the other. I hope you find happiness.:D

[Katie]

Update:

I recieved a dozen roses at work today from him..the card was signed..Love, XXXXX(his name). I guess that is a good start. I didn't get a traditional anniversary card..which kinda hurts..because it actually takes time to pick out a card ect..where roses..you just call the florist and order them. But..he remembered.

When my husband, I and my Youngest son came home..from Soceer practice..our oldest (16)son and daughter(10) had made a wonderful dinner ( of rice and roni..and burnt corn), had wine glasses full of wine, candles on the table..and the CD player by the table with soft music. It was sooooooooo sweet! Watermelen and 100 grand candy bars was dessert! Isn't that sweet!!!!!!! Then they went to leave us alone while we ate..lol!

Maybe the are working as hard as I am..to keep this marriage going good!

DH is outside again working on the deck..but I am hoping for a second part of the night tonight ;)!!

Thanks again...I keep listening and I know..that tonight is unfortunely the exception..not the rule..but it is nights like this..that keep me going!


The kid discussion...sometimes..that is exactly what I think..If I would die for my kids happiness..why can't I stick this out....but I fear the outcome of their living in a house full of hostility!

A double edge sword..in my eyes!

[Pumbaa_]

Katie, happy anniversary. I am glad he remembered, roses at work are nice and it is the thought that counts. I hope the lows end soon and things get better, maybe you need a disney trip ;)

Take care!

[TeresaNJ]

Katie, you know I'm here for you if you still want to talk. E-mail me. Hugs, Teresa

Oops, just read what you said about no e-mails. Was wondering why I hadn't heard from you. PM me instead.

[minniecarousel]

Katie - I'm glad you got the roses! I have been married to a terrific guy for almost 27 years - thankfully with mostly "ups" and very few "downs" and he rarely buys me a card. I don't let it bother me any more(getting old I guess!) Hoping that this is a good sign for the two of you.
Hang in there!

[DocRafiki]

Ugh... How closed-minded to say counseling is a waste of time! I guess he means you and the family aren't worth it! :mad: I can't believe someone can make those vows and then NOT do whatever is needed to make it work. I hope you can find some way to convince him to go to counseling. He is obviously unhappy, and it's making you unhappy. I don't think I would put up with that for too long if he had already decided not to try to improve things.

:(