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hffmnheidi
04-09-2010, 04:43 PM
My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

MickeyMomOfThree
04-09-2010, 04:50 PM
Oh, Boy. I have no suggestion but you are being a very nice person. I think she is being insanely rude and would tell her as much, not because I'd want to be in the wedding (because I really don't think I'd want to at this point) but because that is just so nasty. Good luck to your brother, seems he's going to need it.

Skatermom23
04-09-2010, 04:55 PM
My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

This just does not have a happy ending. It's great that you are trying not to turn this into a drama situation, but it will end in one sooner or later. Just do as your doing and be the better person.

Hannathy
04-09-2010, 04:56 PM
I think your brother being pissed off about you being left out and her not caring he is -Is Not a very good sign for the health or longevity of this marriage!!!!

I think she is very rude and your brother has no backbone for letting her do this to HIS sister, unless he feels the same.

You have a wonderful attitude but be careful of getting walked on in life with people like this.

(the money you save not buying an ugly bridesmaid's dress will help buy the gift1)

Motherofboys
04-09-2010, 04:57 PM
What I would really say to my future SIL in this situation, I can't type on the Dis.

You are being way nicer than I would be. Honestly, I would ask my brother if he was sure this was the kind of person he wants to marry. It says a lot to me that she would be this mean and petty about a wedding.

Is that the kind of mother he wants for his kids? Someone who would hurt his sister to have the "right" look for her wedding?

They already have two kids together? And one of them is girl? Good luck to that poor little thing!:sad2:

And good luck to you, doesn't sound like it will be an easy relationship to continue going forward.:sad2:

And someone who weighs 182 lbs does NOT need to lose 80 pounds! :mad:

LuLuO
04-09-2010, 04:58 PM
Rude doesn't even begin to describe her behavior in my opinoin. Nasty is a better word. You are being a saint. I would tell her off and I would rescind the offer for the photographer. Is that petty? Maybe, but a shallow person like her doesn't deserve your generosity.

Echoing PP: Good luck to your brother.

krcit
04-09-2010, 04:58 PM
Oh, Boy. I have no suggestion but you are being a very nice person. I think she is being insanely rude and would tell her as much, not because I'd want to be in the wedding (because I really don't think I'd want to at this point) but because that is just so nasty. Good luck to your brother, seems he's going to need it.

:thumbsup2

dzorn
04-09-2010, 05:02 PM
You are a better person than I if you are able to let it go.;) I would let your brother know your feelings are hurt to be the only one not inculded in the wedding party if they are.

Of course I would also be tempted to tell him how sorry I was he was wedding someone so shallow and rude, :laughing: but tell him you will overlook it for his sake. I do tend to sick my foot in my mouth. I would also let future SIL know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she's not looking to good right now.

Good Luck and I think the photographer idea was beautiful. You are much more caring than she deserves.

Denise in MI

dzorn
04-09-2010, 05:06 PM
:thumbsup2

And someone who weighs 182 lbs does NOT need to lose 80 pounds! :mad:

Speaking from someone who skipped Weight Watchers this week :worship:

If you are happy with your weight it is no ones business.

Denise in MI

mrsklamc
04-09-2010, 05:12 PM
If you don't care about being in the wedding I would let it go. You are a very kind person.

I would rescind the offer to pay for the photographer though. Both because she doesn't deserve it, and because it would look very bad if you end up having to to go to court regarding the other situation you posted about.

hereyago
04-09-2010, 05:12 PM
[QUOTE=hffmnheidi;36189651i

I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding.

I would buy as a wedding gift: duct tape for her and a pair of blanks for your brother.

mrsklamc
04-09-2010, 05:14 PM
It IS amazing how petty people can be about size. My maid of honor is pooh sized and I couldn't believe how many people told me how kind it was of me to still let her be in my wedding!

aduck126
04-09-2010, 05:30 PM
that chick is incredibly rude and bratty. I would not let this go, there is no reason for her to be like that. i would not even go to the wedding.

ShannonMB
04-09-2010, 06:17 PM
that chick is incredibly rude and bratty. I would not let this go, there is no reason for her to be like that. i would not even go to the wedding.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with this. I honestly don't think I could even bring myself to go, my feelings would be SO hurt and THAT would make me angry. I don't think I would necessarily "speak up" about it, I just really would not be able to be anything more than civil to this person at family functions in the future, even. If she or your brother ask why you aren't attending, you could say, "Well, I wouldn't want to spoil any of the wedding photos -- which, by the way, I will not be purchasing after all."

You are a much bigger person than I am, I will admit. But no way in the WORLD would I be spending even $1 on a wedding gift for someone that petty, shallow, and ballsy!!! And I'm glad that your brother is at least angry about her attitude. Good luck to him, he certainly seems to have picked a winner to be his life partner and mother of his children. :sad2: What do your parents say about all this?

Mic
04-09-2010, 06:36 PM
I would recind the offer to pay for ANYTHING, and use that money to buy a beautiful dress for the wedding. Your future sister-in-law is obviously not too smart...the number one way to look good is to stand next to someone bigger than you!:thumbsup2

CC12005
04-09-2010, 06:44 PM
Go ahead and pay for the photographer and attend the wedding to show support for your brother. The rest of the family will probably straighten her out with chilly receptions. You do not need to make an effort to be friends with her. Only civil when called for. Hopefully, eventually she will mature enough to realize how wrong she is and how beautiful you are.

P.S. Wear something smashing to the wedding:)

Buckeye Princess
04-09-2010, 06:48 PM
My husband was left out of his sister's wedding. (No other siblings were.) They have a great relationship and to this day we don't know or understand why. We just figured they had a good reason and decided to not worry about it and let it pass. I know we could've asked, but didn't. (But it still bothers me occasionally.)

SunnieRN
04-09-2010, 06:48 PM
Wow, just WOW! It totally amazes me how rude, crude and socially unacceptable some people are. I hope and pray that her children or your brother never have to bear the brunt of her judgmental behaviors.

I commend you for being the person you are. I would pay for the photographer if it is NOT a financial hardship on you. As for a photo album, I may would not be able to do something that personal and heartfelt.

lauramae76
04-09-2010, 06:57 PM
Your future sister in law DOES NOT have a HEART. If it was me I would not pay for the photos, buy you a nice dress & have a nice time @ the wedding. Size is just on the outside not on the inside.

cmrules
04-09-2010, 06:57 PM
You are a better person than that sorry excuse for a bride. She is blessed to have such a good example of how to be a good person and SIL.

Boxley
04-09-2010, 07:32 PM
My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

I do not think you should put one red penny towards the wedding. I am in favor of supporting a brother but then again although he is upset by what his fiance said, I do not see him making a move to tell his fiance that her behavior was rude and that she owes you an apology. Where is his support for you? I think you should take the money from the photographer and buy yourself an absolutely beautiful dress, get your hair done, mani-pedi the works and show the bride that you are still beautiful inside and out whereas she....

marypoppinswannabe
04-09-2010, 09:07 PM
Some people are so inconsiderate... How incredibly shallow of her to say that.

The way you told the story sounds like you were not present when she said that. If that were the case, why did someone feel the need to tell you what was said? UGH!!! Some things are better left unknown....

If I were you, I would leave it alone and move on. If you offered to pay for the pictures, I would still do that... Sometimes, overlooking an offense has a much better return in the long run. In this situation, that might not be the case, but at least you can hold your head up high, knowing that you took the high road.

I am sorry she said that about you.

pktbMouse
04-09-2010, 09:23 PM
can you say...BRIDEZILLLLLAAAA!!!!
Listen I own a wedding business and have to deal with no end of bratty brides that think they can tread mercilessly on peoples feelings just because they are getting married. Her behavior is NOT acceptable and neither is your Brothers if he allows it to happen. Just feeling bad about it is not enough!
Its is NOT just about her, its also about the Groom, family and friends also, a wedding is a ceremony and a party. Period.
Let her and your brother know how your feelings have been hurt and if they are still not willing to have you in the wedding party I would seriously reconsider even showing up let alone buy them a gift. You will no way be in the wrong if you decide to do this.

leebee
04-09-2010, 09:52 PM
I have been in a similar situation. It was embarrassing to make too much of it; after all, it just means calling attention to your weight over and over. (BTW, I would KILL for the chance to see 182 again!). You sound like you are willing to overlook her lack of humanity and just go to the wedding and have a good time. That's what I did; went to my sib's wedding and was happy for him, because I love him. I was more than civil to her- after all, she was becoming my brother's wife. I just let it drop and if anyone asked me about it, I just said it isn't worth ruining the family's future about. It all blew over. Of course, I wasn't heartbroken when they got divorced :rolleyes1

HappyGilmore
04-09-2010, 09:55 PM
I'd forget hiring the photographer and go buy two of those throw away digital cameras- one for the bridesmaids and one for the groomsmen. Show up on the wedding day and hand them over to the wedding party and tell them to have at it. Then I would take the money that you would have spent on a a professional photographer and book yourself and your wonderful family a Disney vacation.

bumbershoot
04-09-2010, 09:59 PM
Since it's your brother, I can't say to not go, or to give nothing.

But if I were in such a situation, I would probably give a gift you know that your brother, and ONLY your brother, would enjoy and appreciate. Does he collect comics? Does he enjoy going to football games (and she doesn't?)? etc etc. Something that you could give, but it would only be appreciated by him.

Maybe I'd do that...maybe not. Not sure.

Mrs. Charming
04-09-2010, 10:07 PM
My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.

I offered to pay for the wedding photographer as my gift to them since I know money is really tight for them. Thought it would be a load off their mind. I was told by my future sister in law, "why would you spend the money when you aren't going to be in the wedding?" . I told her because I thought it would be a good gift for both of them and that I would make her a scrapbook of about 20 some photos from the scads that will be taken at the wedding that she could select so they would have a beautiful book of memories. It had nothing to do with being a wedding party member or not. It was going to be my gift, regardless.

My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

That was totally rude and uncalled for. I'd be totally insulted because you're about in my weight range (non-pregnant). Sounds like you have a potential bridezilla on your hands, be happy you're "just a guest." That way, you can do what you want, wear what you want, eat and drink what you want, and be happy. :goodvibes This is a battle best not fought!

MiniGirl
04-09-2010, 10:07 PM
I have been in a similar situation. It was embarrassing to make too much of it; after all, it just means calling attention to your weight over and over. (BTW, I would KILL for the chance to see 182 again!). You sound like you are willing to overlook her lack of humanity and just go to the wedding and have a good time. That's what I did; went to my sib's wedding and was happy for him, because I love him. I was more than civil to her- after all, she was becoming my brother's wife. I just let it drop and if anyone asked me about it, I just said it isn't worth ruining the family's future about. It all blew over. Of course, I wasn't heartbroken when they got divorced :rolleyes1

I have not been in this situation, but I agree with this post completely. Making a fuss or even acknowledging it would only put my weight in the spotlight again and again, and THAT would bother me a lot more than being left out of a wedding. (Of course, I hate being in wedding parties and promised myself I'd just say no if ever asked again. LOL!!) And yes, I would also be civil to her. Seriously, some people just aren't worth it.

HunnyPots
04-10-2010, 12:21 AM
Oh boy. All these nasty wedding stories leave me hoping both my kids will just elope when they decide to get married.:sad2:

Honestly, no good can come from all of your family getting mixed up in this mess, even though they are justified in sticking up for you. I think I'd ask them all to just let it go. Even if she apologized or asked you to be in the wedding, it won't be sincere. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in even the nicest families.

PixieTopaz
04-10-2010, 07:19 AM
My brother and his girlfriend are getting married next summer. They already have two children who are going to be the flower girl and ring bearer. She'll be 4 and he'll 3. Okay, no problem. Think it's a cute idea for the kids to be in the wedding.


My other brother and his wife are going to be in the wedding party and my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding. I lost 80 lbs when I was in the hospital, very sick for 3 months, so it wasn't because I was dieting. I currently weigh 182 lbs.

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.

I'm trying to avoid the drama with this situation and let it drop, but everyone in our family is making this a huge mess. My brother is pissed off and thinks leaving me out is wrong. The future in law's 2 sisters and 3 brothers are in the wedding party as well as my other brother, his wife, and their son. I am the only one on either side that is not being included in the wedding party.

So, should I speak up about things or just let it go?

She wants you to weigh 100 lbs? That is sick:eek:

I would NOT give her the gift of a photographer. period. Give her a picture frame:sad2:

jfoofj
04-10-2010, 08:00 AM
Wow... just wow. I can't even imagine that the size of bridesmaids would cross a brides mind (I was too busy worrying about MY size to care what my bridesmaids were). When I was married I had bridesmaids that ranged in size 2 to 16. I would have never not included someone because they were, in my opinion, too fat... or too skinny. (Frankly, I think my bridesmaid who was a size 2 was too skinny, but I would have never voiced that to anyone.) That is so shallow. I feel for your brother, what if, God forbid, he was in a disfiguring accident? Would she call off the wedding and break up with him to find a better looking groom? Hopefully this is an isolated thing with her and doesn't speak of her true character.



ETA- Have you priced out photographers? It is pretty expensive... I paid $1100 for ours. It is a very generous gift that you are giving, I just wasn't sure if you knew how much they ran, of course, I'm sure the prices vary regionally. Everything in MA seems more expensive to me.

Chelley00
04-10-2010, 08:05 AM
Horrible. Screw her.

I would still go to the wedding, not for her, but for your brother. Sometimes we all have to be the bigger person.



I wouldn't, however, pay for a photographer, because as nasty and rude as she is, I doubt they'll stay married long and they'll just burn the pictures and scrapbook.

rumrunnergirl
04-10-2010, 08:20 AM
.

PinballFamily
04-10-2010, 08:50 AM
I don't really have an opinion on sticking to your gift idea or not - but as a scrapbooker, I like to give my work to folks who I KNOW will appreciate it. This chick sounds doubtful... Scrapping is expensive and time-consuming, and she doesn't come across as dripping with gratitude. :lmao:

I do agree with the other posters - honey, you've dodged a bullet here! If she finally (ever) does get around to grudgingly asking you, your reply could be "Thank you so much for wanting to include me, but sorry, I'm unable to be in your wedding party. I am looking forward to the lovely day, though." Can you imagine having to be a member of the "team" having to shell out $$$ (and lots of time!) for this 'zilla's shower, bachelorette party, ugly BM gown/shoes..., etc. and being at her beck and call during the wedding planning? Yikes! She wouldn't see a penny or minute of MINE! I totally agree with the other PPs who have said to take every single penny of that "would have spent" money and put it into a "I'm going to Disney!" box or envelope.

You are truly lucky - and I also believe that such a mean and shallow person will get what's coming to her. Bride or no-bride, she is just ugly.

Pigeon
04-10-2010, 09:09 AM
You are handling this with grace and class. This woman is an arrested 12 year old.

And being a bridesmaid is an expensive ordeal, so from that perspective you are lucky not to have to endure it.

But oh, boy, she is shallow, and I hope your brother can stand her once they are married.

Deesknee
04-10-2010, 10:04 AM
I didn't read all the post, I apologize if this has been said.

I do agree that a person weighing 182lbs, doesn't need to loose 80 lbs....unless you are 2 feet tall.

I also agree good luck to your brother. Perhaps there is a reason they have waited until now to marry?

Lastly, in this case I think I would go with say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. Perhaps..... "Gee, I thought having someone oversized in your wedding might make you look better!" Oh, no that WOULD be mean huh? :confused3

Continue to love your brother, his children, be kind. Most likely she won't be in his life forever & you will be glad you were the better person. Not having fed resentment between you & your brother.

Good luck. Although I don't know what you look like, just from this post you are a beautiful person. Smile & enjoy the wedding.

Shelby5514
04-10-2010, 10:07 AM
Wow, she's a piece of work. Thank your lucky stars that you are not in this wedding, I'm sure there will be a lot more drama when it comes time to pick out dresses, shoes, hairstyles etc... BRIDEZILLA comes to mind.

As for the photographer, be careful. Depending on the photographer and what services he offers, she could really rack up a hefty bill that you could be stuck with.

nunzia
04-10-2010, 10:09 AM
Wow....I feel sorry for your brother and the rest of the family for having such a person joining your family. I would say nothing, be supportive of my brother and know that what goes around comes around. I also would not waste my money on a photographer or making a scrapbook, as I don't see this union lasting. Just amazing how some people can be.

ThurlFan
04-10-2010, 10:20 AM
I would probably give a gift you know that your brother, and ONLY your brother, would enjoy and appreciate.

May I suggest a spine, and a pair of...

shalom
04-10-2010, 10:21 AM
I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.


Excellent attitude. :goodvibes I agree with those who've said that, if this is the bride's attitude, you're probably happier outside the wedding party anyhow. Yeesh!

I would continue doing as you have been doing. Your future SIL will most likely do something else equally classy sooner rather than later, and this particular issue will be dropped in favor of that one. It's an uncomfortable position to be in, but that's the hazard of living in a society that thinks someone else's weight is everybody's business. :sad2:

I liked this advice:

Ask your brother if he still wants you to pay for photography. If yes, then I'd do it since since the offer was made already. If not, I'd just buy some disposable cameras to put on the reception tables and then make a scrapbook out of those pictures. I'd do it for your brother because he surely doesn't need punishment coming from his family and his wife. No matter what happens down the road with her - you will always be his family and he will want to remember your civility during this difficult time.

Then go to the wedding (for your brother's sake) and have a great time! I agree with a PP - put the money saved not having to buy a bridesmaid's dress/shoes/etc. towards your next Disney trip! That will keep you smiling during the wedding activities.

shinysparklybubbles
04-10-2010, 10:22 AM
I agree that you should go to the wedding to support your brother, even if you don't support the marriage to that which. I can not believe she said that, talk about heartless.

I agree with everyone who says go get a fantastic dress, I vote for something in white!

Sadie Chez
04-10-2010, 10:31 AM
Hmmm you could hire a really bad photographer, but make sure your brother looks good in every shot. Make a scapbook with really bad closeups of the bride or shots with the head cut off things like that, oh and make sure you have several pages with a really good picture of yourself blocking the view of the bride, you know because she said you were too big to be in the wedding. I'd make sure every picture of the bride had part of me in it blocking her face. I have way too much passive aggresive evil in me though. It sounds like your a really nice person, who even though was hurt will do the right thing and be the better person.

If you do decide to be just a little evil let us know, all us slightly overweight dis sisters would love to come up with suggestions.

cm8
04-10-2010, 10:38 AM
Hmmm you could hire a really bad photographer, but make sure your brother looks good in every shot. Make a scapbook with really bad closeups of the bride or shots with the head cut off things like that, oh and make sure you have several pages with a really good picture of yourself blocking the view of the bride, you know because she said you were too big to be in the wedding. I'd make sure every picture of the bride had part of me in it blocking her face. I have way too much passive aggresive evil in me though. It sounds like your a really nice person, who even though was hurt will do the right thing and be the better person.

If you do decide to be just a little evil let us know, all us slightly overweight dis sisters would love to come up with suggestions.

:rotfl:

neatokimmo
04-10-2010, 10:51 AM
I would go to the wedding. I would buy a small present. And I would avoid her drama. She'll feed on anything, positive or negative - simply don't feed the *B*.

mjkacmom
04-10-2010, 10:57 AM
I'm very sorry that this person will now be a family member. I was very thin when I got married, but some of my bridesmaids were not. Therefore, I gave them total control in picking out their dresses, so they would fine ones they felt were flattering. They could wear their hair anyway they wanted. I picked my bridesmaids because they were important to me and my DH (my bf from HS, my bf from college, my sister, my SIL, and my niece).

tommya60
04-10-2010, 12:54 PM
Hmmm, I think I would put a cap on those photography expenses. Obviously, you are the nicer person here, don't let her take advantage of you. Loud and clear to your brother and the futre SIL the photography is covered up to $XXXX amount. This is not a person who thinks of others, so she may not have any problem running up your bill.

Have a great time at the wedding>

fakereadhed
04-10-2010, 01:11 PM
Pixie dust for your poor brother! pixiedust:

Just be glad you don't have to be part of that wedding party. She doesn't sound like a lot of fun, to put it mildly. Bridesmaids are not ceremony accessories. They are there to witness and support your commitment. :rolleyes1

gigi1313
04-10-2010, 01:21 PM
my $.02... not only would i not mention the offer for the photog again, but i would plan a disney vacation using that money and be out of town the weekend of the wedding...

we had "similar" drama last Christmas... so our response is that we'll be in florida (sadly, not wdw, but tampa) this Christmas... it's just easier...

Maddle
04-10-2010, 02:23 PM
The way you told the story sounds like you were not present when she said that. If that were the case, why did someone feel the need to tell you what was said? UGH!!! Some things are better left unknown....

I think Rebecca hit the nail on the head - my real issue is with the family member who felt the need to repeat this to you! I think THAT person is the one who needs to grow up. Well, okay - the bride is pretty shallow, but a person repeats hurtful things is no prize either.

You are the better person. Try to rise above this. If it is your custom to give big gifts to your siblings, this is not the time to stop. Another PP suggeested putting a limit on the contract with the photographer....and that would have been smart even under the best of circumstances.

Go to the wedding, enjoy the party, wear a nice outfit, and don't engage the bride OR the family members who are trying to make this into a big deal. It's just not worth the heartache or long-term bad feelings.

Maddle

princessmom29
04-10-2010, 03:22 PM
I think Rebecca hit the nail on the head - my real issue is with the family member who felt the need to repeat this to you! I think THAT person is the one who needs to grow up. Well, okay - the bride is pretty shallow, but a person repeats hurtful things is no prize either.

You are the better person. Try to rise above this. If it is your custom to give big gifts to your siblings, this is not the time to stop. Another PP suggeested putting a limit on the contract with the photographer....and that would have been smart even under the best of circumstances.

Go to the wedding, enjoy the party, wear a nice outfit, and don't engage the bride OR the family members who are trying to make this into a big deal. It's just not worth the heartache or long-term bad feelings.

Maddle
If my future SILsaid such a thing about me who I think I would want to know. This bride's feelings about her future SIL's weight will eventually come out. Better to know now. I would be terribly hurt is she said it in front of my Mom, sister ect and someone didn't tell me what was said. I had an aunt by marriage that actually told her children that they could not play with me because they might end up fat like me.:scared1: I whish my mom had known what a shallow person she was BEFORE she married my uncle. I would have saced us all a lot of greif b/c I never would have been allowed around her to be hurt. I feel soory for the children of the bride, especially the girl.

Gigi22
04-10-2010, 03:42 PM
This is further to Sadie Chez's post (and my apologies if I mangled her board name--my memory is good, but short) may I suggest you pay the photographer to get a really unflattering shot of Bridezilla stuffing her face? You know, mouth open, and going for another bite?

Minnie
04-10-2010, 04:41 PM
No way on earth should you pay for the photographer :scared1:

Remind yourself how lucky you are to NOT be included in this wedding.... bridezilla would be the nicest word that comes to mind.....

Seriously I wouldn't step back I'd run the other direction from this train wreck.... you do not want be involved in any way.... Just think of the problems if the photgrapher you paid for wasn't to her satisfaction :headache:

Attend to support your brother and then be ready to be there for him during the divorce ;)

laliwalden
04-10-2010, 04:56 PM
I would not be paying for the photographer.

I would still attend the wedding in a great dress that, Hey, what do you know, the bridesmaids dresses are the same as mine!! :rotfl2:

Okay, I wouldnt really do that, but I might talk to my brother about it.

It's A Small World
04-10-2010, 05:27 PM
Frankly, these days, I'm thrilled when I'm not asked to be part of the wedding party. Too much $$$!

swkmom
04-10-2010, 05:31 PM
My youngest brother got married last summer and between our family and his new wife's I was the only sibling not in the wedding. I am the only overweight sibling even though no one said anything as cruel as the OP's future sister in law, I always had a feeling my weight was the reason.

My mother was a little upset that I was not asked to be in the wedding but I told my mom it was probably because the new sister in law is 10 years younger than me. I don't think anyone knows not being in the wedding bothered me, even my hubby, I told him I was glad we didn't have to pay for bridesmaid dress.

If I were in the OP's situation, with a very rude future sister in law I would still attend the wedding for my brother but after that I think my contact with his wife would be very limited. As for the photographer, I would find out if my brother still wanted me to pay for it.

starrzone
04-10-2010, 05:45 PM
...my fab sister in law asked the future to be sister in law on Easter Sunday why I wasn't in the wedding-she told my sister in law(in front of the entire family) it was because I was too fat and she didn't want fat people to be in her wedding and if I would loose another 80 lbs, I could be in the wedding....

I am not going to diet to be in her wedding. She's just going to have to accept me as I am and at what weight I am at now. If I'm not in the wedding, not a big deal. I'll go and be a guest, enjoy myself, and leave when it's over.



:grouphug: I went through this a couple months ago, but it was my mother who made the weight comments. My cousin is getting married, and my mother said "Maybe if you lose some weight, H will ask you to be in her wedding". That hurt a LOT. I KNOW I've gained a lot of weight; this time 4 years ago, I had lost 40 lbs and was feeling great. I'm now up about 70-80 lbs and am working at getting to a place where I can lose it, but there is a lot going on in my personal life that is preventing this. However, my mother is constantly making comments about my weight, and when she doesn't, I know she's looking at me and thinking about it. I just keep my mouth shut, and when she makes a comment, I literally walk away. I don't deserve hearing comments like tha, and neither do you, no matter HOW well-intentioned they might be.

And you know what? My cousin DIDN'T ask me to be in her wedding. Frankly, I'm relieved. I hate weddings and would honetly have had to think about accepting if she DID ask me. But a little part of me wonders if it IS because of my weight, as my mother alluded to, even though I know my cousin well and while she likes her nice house, clothes, etc., we are close and I don't think she would ever stoop to not having me in the wedding because of my size. My motto is "Appearance can change. Character can not". :hug: to you in dealing with all this.

GoofyGolferGirl
04-10-2010, 07:45 PM
I have not read all the posts but your brother is not going to have a very happy life being married to someone so nasty. I would tell her since she was so concerned about your weight you were going to take the money you WOULD have spent on her wedding pictures and go to a spa, if I purchased her a gift it would be a big book of manners!

ShannonMB
04-10-2010, 08:40 PM
I'm very sorry that this person will now be a family member. I was very thin when I got married, but some of my bridesmaids were not. Therefore, I gave them total control in picking out their dresses, so they would fine ones they felt were flattering. They could wear their hair anyway they wanted. I picked my bridesmaids because they were important to me and my DH (my bf from HS, my bf from college, my sister, my SIL, and my niece).

Awww, I always thought it should be about who's important to you, too! Who knew you're supposed to pick who will look best in the (probably) ghastly bridesmaid dress? :rolleyes:

I personally would be glad that someone told me what this witch had to say about me before I went all in and spent a bunch of money celebrating her and her special day. My sister and I are very close, and I would expect her to tell me something like this. Maybe hurt feelings could be spared, but we tell each other EVERYTHING. :confused3

EMom
04-10-2010, 09:17 PM
Heaven help your brother. That is one serious shrew he is marrying.

Would I go ahead and pay for the photographer? Oh hell to the no! :lmao: I'd tell that weight obesessed wench to kiss my ample butt. :rotfl2: At best, she'd get a few disposable cameras, and I'd make her pay for developing. :thumbsup2

I'd dead serious, BTW.

arihillfarm
04-10-2010, 09:43 PM
I have not read all the posts but your brother is not going to have a very happy life being married to someone so nasty. I would tell her since she was so concerned about your weight you were going to take the money you WOULD have spent on her wedding pictures and go to a spa, if I purchased her a gift it would be a big book of manners!

I would also include a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People". :rotfl: Sounds like she could use it. I agree with the others that the OP should drop the offer of the photographer and scrapbook as a gift and simply go to the wedding and enjoy herself. Maybe she can plan something special with just her brother as a wedding gift, such as a special night out to dinner with him. The future SIL is a loser and no way would I want to be around her at any time nor would I allow my children to be around her. I don't fault people for having thoughts and opinions that I don't agree with, but to be so blatantly rude and open with the OP's family about such a sensitive and hurtful subject puts her into a special class of losers.

-Astrid