PDA

View Full Version : OT sorta..New Baby coming and need ideas


parkers*momma
04-08-2010, 03:46 PM
A lil background information:

A young man who thinks of us as his parents (he lived with us from the time he was 16 until he joined the Air Force) is stationed in N.D.. He and his adoring wife had a son in October (here in Ohio) so everyone got to be at the hospital (biological parents, aunts, cousins, friends) when their son was born. Well they are expecting again!!! They are excited as is everyone else.

His wife's mother died when she was a small child so she as asked me to come out to stay with their son when the new baby is due. YEA ME!!! She is definitely like a daughter to me and I am mom to her so it is quite an honor for me. She is due in October (silly silly kids-their babies will be 1 year apart) and I will be flying out a week prior to the due date to help her, stay with my Godson when the new baby comes, and staying for a short time later so DDIL can get her much needed rest.

Anyhow...they recieved a call from his entire family that they are going to be there when the baby is born(Flying in from Ohio). Entire family consists of his dad, his 80 yo aunt, his 60 yo handicapped uncle, his other uncles, a step-sister, a half sister and a cousin or two. Plus his mom and other half sister (his parents are divorced). They are also planning on coming out before the baby is born, staying with them until the lil one comes home. So the arguing has once again started. FIL wants to be in the room when the baby is born...so does MIL but they hate each other. My adopted son's wife doesn't get along at all with one of the half sister and she is insisting she be there too. The poor kids are now arguing between themselves as DDIL doesn't want all of them at the house prior, during, and immediately after the birth of the baby. She isn't going to have the energy to cook for everyone before the birth...worries about her son because the biological grandparents have different ideas on how he should be raised plus they both want quiet time with the new baby, their son, and themselves once they come home. (I will be at a hotel at that point as I feel it is very important for them to be a family alone without me there)

So we got to talking and I told her I know some very wise ppl so here I am. :) I'm hoping someone here on DISBOARDS can help me. To keep the chaos to a minimum for them, we were thinking of "meet the new addition to the family" party preferrable two/three weeks after the baby is born. But we haven't a clue how in the world to word it so it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. I know, as well as most of you, they should just out and out ask them not to come but they are just rebuilding their relationship with his family and don't want to destroy what has been built up. Thus the reason for the party..to make it an extra special occassion for his family yet keep them at bay for a couple of weeks. Any suggestions on how to word the invitations? How about budget friendly ideas for the party? Any HELP will greatly be appreciated as I really want to help the kids.

ceecee
04-08-2010, 05:02 PM
Where would all of those people sleep, that is like 10 people????? The new father to be needs to put his foot down and tell them they will help find hotel rooms for them, but the new mom does not want anyone in the delivery room or at the house much as she needs to rest afterward maybe they could plan visits after the baby is born!

dizneemom
04-08-2010, 05:32 PM
This sounds exhausting! I cannot imagine having that many people around. It will be chaos! I think the couple needs to adjust ;) the due date later so none of them will be there and wouldn't you know it---the baby is born early!! :lmao:

It sounds like you are a sweetheart by the way-will you be my mom too???

Donnainnj
04-08-2010, 05:35 PM
I know when I delivered my last the hospital rule was a maximum of 3 additional people in the room for delivery, including DH. I wanted my sister that has fertility issues in there along with my husband and 2 daughters and they would not allow it. The nurses/doctor would be able to help her here if it gets to it, they will enforce her wishes.
Donna

RooRach0906
04-08-2010, 06:04 PM
I know when I delivered my last the hospital rule was a maximum of 3 additional people in the room for delivery, including DH. I wanted my sister that has fertility issues in there along with my husband and 2 daughters and they would not allow it. The nurses/doctor would be able to help her here if it gets to it, they will enforce her wishes.
Donna

At the hospital where I am delivering it is a max of two including DH. So maybe they can say they just want it to just them to not upset anyone.

I also like the adjusting the due date idea!! I have been tryin to think of a good way to word the invites all day and still have not come up with anything good yet as soon as I do I will post again.

mrsklamc
04-08-2010, 06:19 PM
Well, MIL and FIL don't need to worry themselves about it because it's DDIL's decision who she wants there!!!! (ok her dh too but it's her body on display for the room!)

Maybe their dr could restrict visitors due to the swine flu :rotfl: You know, with a pregnant woman and a new little immune system, can't take chances!

Also like the idea of 'adjusting' the due date.

tinkarooni
04-08-2010, 06:30 PM
I totally agree with PP about changing the due date....I know I know, we should be open and upfront.....families just don't usually work that way, at least mine doesn't. It is impossible to tell them no. They don't seem to understand the word. :rotfl:

I would also completely tell them right now that this doctor does not allow anyone except the birth coach (ie her DH) in the room. Don't say it's a hospital policy, that can be easily verified, say it's a Dr policy. Sorry, but as I previously stated families can be crazy and when I had my two there was no way I wanted MILs, FILs and crazy Uncle Albert in there with me.....no way no how.

OP, can you enlist somebody in planning a big suprise welcome to the world party. Get one of these folks who want to come out to think it was their idea and plan a big "surprise" for the parents, two, three weeks after the baby is born. Gosh at least give the new Mom a week. Mine are two years apart and I didn't want to see anybody. The second birth was easier but goodness was I tired. Anyway, if you give this family a project maybe you can get them to postpone coming out. The new Mom may need to use her hormones as an excuse and put her foot down though, there is no way she can have that many people staying in her house, boy, I demanded my own bathroom that no one set foot in and visitors could not be in the house between 2-4 as that was when everyone, including me, all fell asleep at the same time, a new Mom needs space. Best wishes and real nice of you to help them.

parkers*momma
04-08-2010, 06:31 PM
ohhh I would have never thought of "adjusting" the due date. As soon as she gets home from college tonight, I'm going to call her with that idea.

Thanks bunches!!

mom of 3G's
04-08-2010, 07:07 PM
Hello parkers*momma! I haven't seen any posts by you for a while, so it's nice to see that you are still the glue that holds everybody together!

I feel so bad for that young mom...All those people there would drive me nuts.:worship: I hope she can put her foot down and just tell them it's not going to be a good time for her, but she will be coming to Ohio soon after the birth and will be up to visitors at that time.

So you'll be coming to ND??????:banana:

Mrs. Charming
04-08-2010, 08:54 PM
I remember when I was having DD, and I got chummy with the nurses because I was on in-hospital bedrest (no fun!) and I remember them saying that they'll happily be the "bad guys" who will not allow annoying family members in the delivery room. If you're there with the momma, I'd definietly talk to her nurses privately about that. I'm sure they see it all the time!

As for everyone else, the poor daddy needs to stand up to his family members. I think your "meet the baby" idea is a great one. Not every birth is a smooth one, maybe you can use that one as an excuse! I don't see why family members have to encroach on a new family's private time like this. :confused3

Good luck, and that's totally awesome that the momma picked you!! :cloud9:

Crystal824
04-08-2010, 09:57 PM
I'm pregnant with my first now. There is NO way anyone is going to be in the delivery room with me other than my DH and maybe my mom. No inlaws or friends at all. If I wouldn't show you my stuff on another day I'm not going to start on delivery day either. :)

MnMomtoboys
04-08-2010, 10:06 PM
I would tell them that the Doctor insisted that she be on limited activity at the end of the pregnacy and can't have visitors staying at the house. Also she needs to tell the Doc that people are wanting to be in the delivery room. If this Doc is worth anything s/he will back her up until the end of time. Trust me I know people that had to go this route. Her Doc went as far as writing a prescription for it;).

parkers*momma
04-08-2010, 10:07 PM
Hello parkers*momma! I haven't seen any posts by you for a while, so it's nice to see that you are still the glue that holds everybody together!

I feel so bad for that young mom...All those people there would drive me nuts.:worship: I hope she can put her foot down and just tell them it's not going to be a good time for her, but she will be coming to Ohio soon after the birth and will be up to visitors at that time.

So you'll be coming to ND??????:banana:

HI!!! Yep, they are planning on coming home in November or early December. I'm heading to Grand Forks the third week of October. The baby is due the day after my birthday so I'm hoping for a nice present. :laughing:

Nope, I haven't had much time to post. We are up to 8 grandbabies now!! You'll love the ages...7, 6, 5, 4, 2, 1, 7 months and 6 months and a baby on the way!!! Plus with the two children that are still at home, we are jetting to 4-H, FFA, Basketball, Quiz Bowl, youth group, and WC academy. So beside working full time, babysitting in the evenings for the 1 year old and running the kids to after school things...I'm bushed at nights. LOL I read daily but don't post often. Summer is coming then look out...I've got a trip to plan for September!

parkers*momma
04-08-2010, 10:10 PM
I'm pregnant with my first now. There is NO way anyone is going to be in the delivery room with me other than my DH and maybe my mom. No inlaws or friends at all. If I wouldn't show you my stuff on another day I'm not going to start on delivery day either. :)

hehehe that is what she is saying...her FIL?!?! Poor thing has herself worked into a tizzy over this so we are getting a plan together so no ones feeling will get hurt. It's been a sticky situation for them and they don't want to rock the boat but I'm thinking rocking it would definitely be better than capsizing it!

parkers*momma
04-08-2010, 10:12 PM
thanks for the suggestions everyone! I can't wait till she gets home to give her the ideas. If nothing else, I'm sure it will help calm her down. We've got a long time so hopefully the in-laws will change their mind before then.

scooterpig
04-08-2010, 10:19 PM
Just wanted to say that I love the bond you've formed with this young man and his wife. I think blended families are beautiful. :flower3:

blana
04-09-2010, 06:35 AM
I would tell them that the Doctor insisted that she be on limited activity at the end of the pregnacy and can't have visitors staying at the house. Also she needs to tell the Doc that people are wanting to be in the delivery room. If this Doc is worth anything s/he will back her up until the end of time. Trust me I know people that had to go this route. Her Doc went as far as writing a prescription for it;).

THIS! Doctor's orders. :) Plus, as we all know, babies have their own time schedule. Have them explain to everyone that since baby could easily be 2 weeks early to 2 weeks late, they don't want to put everyone out for a whole month, so they'll call when baby gets here & (by doctor's orders) have everyone out to meet baby 2-3 weeks later.

mom of 3G's
04-09-2010, 09:06 AM
Do they plan on driving or flying? If they are driving, have they looked on the map to see how far away it really is??? :lmao: It will be a very long drive for the elderly. And if they are flying, obviously they haven't looked at airfare prices... Hopefully they haven't thought this trip through to the end and it's just excited-for-the-baby-to-come talk. :sad2:

parkers*momma
04-09-2010, 09:30 AM
Do they plan on driving or flying? If they are driving, have they looked on the map to see how far away it really is??? :lmao: It will be a very long drive for the elderly. And if they are flying, obviously they haven't looked at airfare prices... Hopefully they haven't thought this trip through to the end and it's just excited-for-the-baby-to-come talk. :sad2:

I know! 14 hours from door step to door step and that is driving hard with minimal stopping!

We have come up with a plan last night and this morning. I've got her talked into just breathing for right now and seeing if things calm down in the next few months. If it doesn't...we came up with a back up plan. (so evil I know!). But come end of July if things haven't changed she is going to call and talk to them. She is going to see if they will come BEFORE the baby comes (like August) to help change the spare bedroom into a nursery, the other bedroom into a nice boyish room for their son, to create a play area in the yard (swingset, sandbox, etc.), a lot of lil things to let them feel they are an active part in the pregnancy. Since they will be converting the two rooms, there won't be any place for them to stay so they will have to go to the hotel. We're hoping that once they see how far it really is (even a flight with connections is quite long and expensive), the expense of hotels, food, etc., they will just wait till the kids come home in November. Knowing the FIL who is quite tight...just once there will be enough.;)

Plus, they will get to spend quality time with the grandson, be involved with the planning and set up of both bedrooms, and designing the play yard. She is going to let them know she has a nanny/mother's helper for the week prior and after the birth of the baby. She isn't going to tell them who....lol...just that everything is already set up and she needs their help BEFORE the baby comes. We're hoping her saying she really needs them...it might work.

Thanks everyone for your help. With the baby coming later, her NEED for help, and reminding them that they are going to be home the end of November.....I think we have a good game plan. At least she isn't all stressed out about it like she was yesterday.

Ohh and the fun part! I get to spoil my Godson for two weeks and hopefully a Goddaughter too! DS called this morning and asked us to be the Godparents of this baby too!:yay::yay::yay:

mom of 3G's
04-09-2010, 10:21 AM
Sounds like a good plan to me!!! :banana: I would think the men of the family would rather cut wood than change diapers. :lmao:

EKW
04-09-2010, 12:49 PM
Blame it on the doctor...tell everyone that her doctor has said she is showing signs of stress, and, while they are minor right now, he has advised her to restrict socializing and other "overly exciting" activities until after the baby is born.

It may not be the truth, but I guarantee you, if you ask him/her to back you up, he/she will.

I had a friend who had always said she wanted to be there when I had my first child. When I was about 8 months pregnant she started e-mailing, telling me she was bringing her two young children and her husband (now ex...a horrific person all the way around) along. First, she said they'd all be staying at my house. She was expecting me to take them to a theme park the week before my son was due. Among her requests were lists of local attractions with their times and prices and lists of local restaurants. Her husband made some VERY inappropriate comments...saying he was coming to the hospital, too, and threatening to say crude and unacceptable things to the nurses.

I told my friend that I'd be glad to find her a list of local hotels, and would request tourist information for her, but that I'd be unable to show them around town and that neither her children nor her husband were welcome at the hospital while I was in labor.

That was pretty much the end of our friendship. I didn't much care.

I don't know that you can be that blunt with family, but I would make the story known to everyone AND tell the security and the nurses that nobody except the people on the approved visitor's list are to be admitted to see them at any time before OR after the baby is born. If they show up uninvited the security folks can take care of it!

Nicolepa
04-09-2010, 02:07 PM
There is an easy way to avoid people in the delivery room. Don't tell anyone you are in labor! With my first we called my mom (who I am not that close with) to inform her. She drove right over and sat there all day. Now under normal circumstances I can only take a couple hours of her at a time.

So with my 2nd & 3rd the only ones who knew we were in labor were the ones watching the siblings. We called everyone after.

That being said, if people are staying with you that probably wouldn't work so well. But I'd have no problem telling them all they have lost their rockers if they think they are staying with me!

Bildmouse
04-09-2010, 02:22 PM
Wait until they check airfare to GF or Fargo. From Chicago it's over $600 round trip. That alone might cut down on the number of people.

My son is in school in GF and the drive from NW Indiana is about 12 hours (we've done that a few times)! And then there's the lovely weather in ND. It's not unusual for snow before Halloween.

dzorn
04-09-2010, 02:48 PM
Tell them if you weren't there for the conception no need to be there for the delivery.:lmao:

The hospital will take the flack if needed but they really should lay down the law. This is comming from a former L & D secretary that go yelled at more than once.:sad2:

Denise in MI

micheleq
04-09-2010, 03:14 PM
You've come up with a great plan, with one flaw. The husband needs to do the talking to his family. As a daughter in law who has spoken out on more than one occasion, it will come better from the son rather than the daughter in law. Plus, he needs to stand up for his family (esp. his wife). If not, then his family will continue to make demands.

Sometimes people who are demanding are shocked into submission when their demands are met head on. When I was preggers with DD#1, DH & I were out to dinner with his parents. MIL declared, "I was in the delivery room for the first child of each of my children," (which I found out later was a lie). My response was clear and simple, "That's wonderful for you. I don't think I want anyone, even my mother, in the room with us." End of discussion. She was flabbergasted by my response. I wasn't going to let her bully her way into my birth plan.

Have them be honest (no we don't want anyone at the delivery) yet respectful.

Congrats on the pending arrival. It sounds like they are luck to have you as surrogate parents :thumbsup2

torinsmom
04-09-2010, 03:32 PM
How rude for someone to insist on being in the delivery room! My MIL wanted to be in there when DS was born, and she was pushing it with the nurses(she is also a nurse). I had to get ugly and tell her to GET OUT!

You can be blunt in a polite way when it comes to not wanting visitors. I had a note on my door after my son was born that said "Mom and baby are resting. Please feel free to call and find out when a good time to visit would be." That was after a few people dropped by and expected to be entertained AFTER ringing the bell and waking the baby up.

If they are still talking about coming in the next few months, I would send out an email or letter, letting them know that the parents would like time to bond with their new baby and get the older son adjusted before entertaining. Plan a party a month or so after the baby will be born and invite everyone to attend. Include the contact information for local hotels in the invitation.;)

parkers*momma
04-09-2010, 08:48 PM
Blame it on the doctor...tell everyone that her doctor has said she is showing signs of stress, and, while they are minor right now, he has advised her to restrict socializing and other "overly exciting" activities until after the baby is born.

It may not be the truth, but I guarantee you, if you ask him/her to back you up, he/she will.

I had a friend who had always said she wanted to be there when I had my first child. When I was about 8 months pregnant she started e-mailing, telling me she was bringing her two young children and her husband (now ex...a horrific person all the way around) along. First, she said they'd all be staying at my house. She was expecting me to take them to a theme park the week before my son was due. Among her requests were lists of local attractions with their times and prices and lists of local restaurants. Her husband made some VERY inappropriate comments...saying he was coming to the hospital, too, and threatening to say crude and unacceptable things to the nurses.

I told my friend that I'd be glad to find her a list of local hotels, and would request tourist information for her, but that I'd be unable to show them around town and that neither her children nor her husband were welcome at the hospital while I was in labor.

That was pretty much the end of our friendship. I didn't much care.

I don't know that you can be that blunt with family, but I would make the story known to everyone AND tell the security and the nurses that nobody except the people on the approved visitor's list are to be admitted to see them at any time before OR after the baby is born. If they show up uninvited the security folks can take care of it!

Amazing:confused3 even with my biological children...I don't go unless they ask us to meet them at the hospital. That's such a private moment for the new mom and dad, I can't imagine barging in on that.

Wait until they check airfare to GF or Fargo. From Chicago it's over $600 round trip. That alone might cut down on the number of people.

My son is in school in GF and the drive from NW Indiana is about 12 hours (we've done that a few times)! And then there's the lovely weather in ND. It's not unusual for snow before Halloween.

WOW! That's were our son is! Small World! We are in NW Ohio and it is definitely a killer of a drive. I'm coming up with about $350 out of Detroit right now.

It was so funny when we found out he was being sent there as when he lived with us, he would complain about taking the trash out in the winter. The boy HATED Snow! The first good snow fall they had, they sent us pics. OHHH MY GOODNESS! Snow?!?! It was so high in their back yard that their dog could walk over the fence! All I'm hoping is I can get in and out before the big snow storms come. I don't do THAT much snow.:laughing:

ltl engine
04-09-2010, 09:32 PM
You are so great to be saving this poor woman (and she must be saved)!!!! When I had my first son my MIL offered to stop by the day after we got out of the hospital with dinner. I was very grateful since I had a C-section. MIL came with uncooked food and 10 of my husband's relatives. I was not so grateful then. DS was really cranky the whole time they were here and I kept escaping to the baby's room with DS for quiet time they finally got the hint & left after 3 HOURS!!! Definitely an exhausting experience---as some helpful advice MIL told me as she was leaving "don't worry you will get better at this"........The next day I had the pleasure of discovering that my MIL had re-arranged everything in my kitchen "to make more sense" so I could not find anything from bowls to pots (who really puts their pots on the top shelf of the high cabinets--when you are 5'2"???)

With DS2 no one came to visit for 2 weeks.......I gladly cooked & stocked the freezer myself & intend to do the same with #3 on the way....it is just too stressful if you are not totally comfortable with whomever is in your home. Thankfully she has you to rely on :)

SAVE THIS WOMAN!!!!

ceecee
04-10-2010, 10:19 AM
Sounds like a good plan, except that they want to come to see the new baby, not the pregnant mom. They probably won't go for helping set up a nursery and then leave before the baby comes. I personally wouldn't worry about it, I bet when it gets close things will come up and they won't be able to make it anyway.

miprender
04-13-2010, 04:11 AM
:wave: Hello Parkersmom... great to see you on here. DH and I were just talking about how wonderful last year was using the double stroller and all the wonderful work you did running the swap. We leave tomorrow for Disney and ended up buying a double stroller like the one we had last year. We just loved it.:lovestruc

Congrats on being a Godmother again. Your family is growing and growing.

But back to your question, I agree with others saying the Doctor won't allow that many people in. And does the FIL want to be there when the birth is going on?YUCK.:scared: I was lucky that I had 3 Csections so only DH was allowed in. I wouldn't want all those people with me. And actually when my third was born I felt so lousy after the surgery I really didn't want anyone to visit because I was in so much pain.

Maddie2
04-13-2010, 09:40 AM
It looks like you have quite a bit of good advice on how to persuade the family not to come to ND. Flights to ND are pricey - they could fly to MPLS for less and then rent a car - but don't tell them that! ;) Driving would just be too stressful - especially since it sound like they don't all get along.

The new little mama may need to enlist her doctor in all of this so that that rather large extended family doesn't descend upon them. Wow. Just wow. Can't even imagine having that many ppl around so soon, so close. I can't imagine that base housing (or nearby) is very large either. As much as they don't want to break down any family harmony progress that has been made, the father certainly needs to put his foot down on this.

Am I understanding correctly that the new little family is planning a trip to Ohio in November or December anyway? Perhaps the extended family could help plan a meet the baby party - or if they are of a certain faith, perhaps a baptism/christening/dedication? As you mentioned, as party would be a great thing for all of them to focus on, all while they give birth in ND and have a few weeks of peace without the crowds. :goodvibes

Bless you for being their advocate when they seem to need you so much! :goodvibes