fklhou
08-01-2002, 06:14 PM
RUMSFELD WANTS OSAMA’S BODYGUARDS TO PROTECT SADDAM NOW
Evildoer’s Former Henchmen Mulling Next Career Move
The former bodyguards of Osama bin Laden, currently being held at the Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, may not be there for long.
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has a new mission for Osama’s henchmen: to protect Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein.
“Our message to Osama’s bodyguards is clear,” Secretary Rumsfeld told reporters at a Pentagon briefing today. “Whatever you did for Osama, please do it for Saddam.”
But Secretary Rumsfeld’s plan to send Osama’s bodyguards to Iraq to protect Saddam faces stiff opposition from congressional Republicans, who would like the evildoer’s henchmen to protect someone else: Senator Hilary Clinton (D-NY).
In an official statement, Senator Clinton’s office immediately poured cold water on the plan to deploy Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguards to protect her.
“Senator Clinton believes that the nation would be better served if these gentlemen protected [House Majority Leader] Dick Armey, as soon as possible,” the statement read.
But Osama’s bodyguards shocked Washington by issuing a statement of their own, rejecting the calls for them to protect Saddam, Senator Clinton or Rep. Armey, and indicating that the evildoer’s henchmen were mulling their next career move.
“Given our experience protecting Osama bin Laden for the last few months, we believe we are uniquely qualified to protect the Queen Mother, Ted Williams, or Elvis,” the bodyguards’ statement read.
***Borowitz Reports****
Evildoer’s Former Henchmen Mulling Next Career Move
The former bodyguards of Osama bin Laden, currently being held at the Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, may not be there for long.
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has a new mission for Osama’s henchmen: to protect Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein.
“Our message to Osama’s bodyguards is clear,” Secretary Rumsfeld told reporters at a Pentagon briefing today. “Whatever you did for Osama, please do it for Saddam.”
But Secretary Rumsfeld’s plan to send Osama’s bodyguards to Iraq to protect Saddam faces stiff opposition from congressional Republicans, who would like the evildoer’s henchmen to protect someone else: Senator Hilary Clinton (D-NY).
In an official statement, Senator Clinton’s office immediately poured cold water on the plan to deploy Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguards to protect her.
“Senator Clinton believes that the nation would be better served if these gentlemen protected [House Majority Leader] Dick Armey, as soon as possible,” the statement read.
But Osama’s bodyguards shocked Washington by issuing a statement of their own, rejecting the calls for them to protect Saddam, Senator Clinton or Rep. Armey, and indicating that the evildoer’s henchmen were mulling their next career move.
“Given our experience protecting Osama bin Laden for the last few months, we believe we are uniquely qualified to protect the Queen Mother, Ted Williams, or Elvis,” the bodyguards’ statement read.
***Borowitz Reports****