Question---should I forgive her?

[UrsulasDaBomb]

Ok here is the deal.My grandmother raised me from the time I was an infant until I was in second grade,when I returned to live with my mother.I loved my grandmother very much and was very,very close to her until she died when I was in 7th grade.Three months after the funeral,my grandfather married his mistress of a decade(we found this out later).I had a hard time relating to his new wife,who is Cambodian and speaks very little English(I don't know if my grandfather spoke Cambodian or not).I never did forgive my grandfather for cheating on my grandmother with this woman nor did I forgive his second wife.SHe and my grandfather raised two children,one of them from her previous marriage and a younger one who is now 18 who we speculate is their lovechild from the affair.We don't know for sure.Anyway....after I found out my grandfather cheated on my grandmother for so long,I refused to have anything to do with him.I didn't speak to him unless I had to or unless he was at family gatherings where my mother had invited him(such as my sister's HS graduation 4 years ago).Last year my grandfather passed away from colon cancer and I was forced to go to the funeral.I did not,as I really wanted to,spit on his face in the coffin.Nor did I speak to the widow,as my mother wanted me to.I attended,but that was it.It was clear I didn't want to be there to anybody who paid attention.Now my mother wants me to make up with the widow and collect a few things she supposedly 'found' in the attic that belonged to my grandmother,like my grandmother's engagement ring,a watch,etc.Should I forgive her and go get my stuff?Or should I just go get my stuff and get the heck outta there?I do not speak to her now,unless my mother calls over there and hands me the phone and even then it's barely even a conversation.
***edited to add something I forgot...his second wife was half his age...she was about 30ish and he was in his late 50's when they married back in about 90 or 91****

[Rajah]

That's a tough one.

The right answer is to "kiss and make up". She is part of the family now and is probably feeling very lonely right now. She could use a friend, and so could you.

But I'm afraid that in your situation I wouldn't be able to. Or at least would have a hard time doing so.

I voted neutral.

[JohnTBap]

Life is too short to hold a grudge. I highly recommend forgiveness as it can turn a bad situation into a beautiful friendship. I know from experience.

[Lars624]

Holding on to anger isn't good for anyone. This woman has things that belonged to your beloved Grandmother to give to you and I think that your Grandmother would want you to have them, so you should go get them. Just because you let go of your anger doesn't have to mean that you are okay with what happened, but you can't change the past by staying angry. I hope everything works out for you & your family.

[Deb in IA]

Ursula, did Wife #2 do anything against you PERSONALLY? If so, it would be harder to forgive and forget.

If it is only the fact that she was the "other woman" in your grandparents' marriage, I'd be more inclined to TRY to be cordial to her. After all, both your grandmother and grandfather are gone now, and getting along with her won't hurt either one of them anymore.

[s&k'smom]

Boy that a tough one for me to answer. My FIL also cheated on my MIL and his "friend" actually hosted the after party at her funeral. I could go on and on but we would need a bottle of wine and a pound cake. Anyway My DH does not forgive his dad and I can understand that but I forgave him because I didn't want my anger to affect my life or my children. My DH has nothing of his mother's, nothing. His dad took it all or gave it to the other wife. If it took me being cordial to wife number two I probably would if only to retrieve anything for my DH. I've learned that there are lots of family secrets and holding on to anger can only poison you. I can't tell you what to do but do what will bring peace to your life. I think your grandmother would want you to have her things and I hope you are able to make peace with this all.

[JerseyJanice]

I just want to add that I think whatever happened between your grandparents and their marriage really isn't any of your business.

One day, you might find yourself in a place where an outsider can't know what's happened between you and someone else important to you. You wouldn't want the outsider to hate you, would you? And you might not be in a position to explain your side of things.

I guess what I'm saying, in short, is judge not, lest ye be judged.

[leahannpen]

I am in the "forgive" section of the poll. It's not really ALL her fault, (always takes 2) and she did just lose her loved one also. Maybe there is more to the story than I know, and maybe there is more to the story than you know? My dad "supposedly" cheated on my mom with a woman, who he eventually married. I once hated her with all my being and wouldn't give her the time of day. (him either for a while.) He's now gone and she is a part of our lives, which I'm thanful for.

Life IS way too short. Forgive her, be civil if you can, and move on. She will probably be so grateful, and you will feel good about yourself.

[Serena]

Ursula, {{{hugs}}}
Here's my suggestion. I think you need to realize that this was your grandpa's problem and relationship. It had nothing to do with you.
As long as the woman has been civil at least, then I think you need to get over your anger and make peace with the person your grandpa cared about. You don't have to like her, you don't even have to socialize together, but speaking to each other won't hurt.
I suggest you call and set up a time to go over there. When you get there, tell her all of what you have been feeling and that you think it's time to let it go. Call a truce or something.
You can get your things, and possibly learn a few things about grandpa, this woman that was his wife, and possibly make a friend.

I'm probably being bossy, again, I'm sorry if it sounds that way. It just comes naturally.:confused: :D

[ZPT1022]

While I understand that forgiveness is difficult, and forgetting is next to impossible, I would at least be cordial- and get some of your grandmother's things. Besides, if you really dislike this woman, why would you want her having your grandma's things? As far as the forgiveness goes, she wasn't the one who cheated on your grandmother. Your grandfather was the one who made the committment and broke it- not this woman. While I agree that getting involved with a married man is bad news, I still come back to the fact that she wasn't the one with the committment to your grandma, and hence you can't hold the affair against her too much. If your grandfather loved your grandma enough to marry her and loved this woman enough to marry her, she must have some good traits. Maybe you can find them if you look. Good luck to you, sticky family situations are hard, I know

[Bouncy]

Thats a tough one but I am definately with the make-up one.It will be hard but if this woman hasn't done any thing to you personally then I would give it a go.Good luck!!

[Mermaid02]

Be civil when you see her...... call her and ask when you can pick up Grandma's things...... you don't have to like her or invite her out to lunch.... just be civil. It doesn't sound to me like you need to "make up" with her since you never had a relationship with her.

[robinb]

Originally posted by UrsulasDaBomb
Now my mother wants me to make up with the widow and collect a few things she supposedly 'found' in the attic that belonged to my grandmother,like my grandmother's engagement ring,a watch,etc.Should I forgive her and go get my stuff?Or should I just go get my stuff and get the heck outta there?

You don't have to kiss and make up to get your grandmother's things. It would make things easier if you were polite, though. I think it says a lot for her that she is thinking of you when you have been less than civil to her.

[The Mystery Machine]

Now my mother wants me to make up with the widow and collect a few things she supposedly 'found' in the attic that belonged to my grandmother,like my grandmother's engagement ring,a watch,etc.Should I forgive her and go get my stuff?Or should I just go get my stuff and get the heck outta there?

Why can't your mother get the stuff??? Just a thought...I would feel manipulated if my mom said that.

If you do want the stuff I agree with robinb & mermaid02, be polite & civil. Why do have to forgive to go get stuff? Forgiveness comes over time and to pull it out of hat in order to get your grandmas stuff would be very difficult.

Good luck

[shortbun]

I say kiss and make up as long as it takes to get
your Grandmother's things. This woman probably has
a life outside of you anyway and I doubt she wants
complications from you. Don't delay, as his widow,
these things are really hers now and she could decide
to sell them or something. You certainly don't need
to feign friendship. Just be the polite woman that your
grandmother taught you to be and set up the meeting.
Thank her for her thoughtfulness and keep it pleasant.

[Robinrs]

Ask yourself one question?

Who's hurting from this grudge?

Believe me, when you hold a grudge against someone the only one it hurts is you.

Release it. What your Grandfather did was horrible and certainly you feel that if you forgive this situation it would hurt your alliance to her. What it actually will do is reassure that your life will begin to heal.

We all need our blessings, Ursula, whether we believe in them or not. With forgiveness, we unblock our blessings.

She will be dealt with on her own accord. Your anger will not change that. But your forgiveness will change YOUR life.

It's worth it....

Robinrs

[betz]

Originally posted by UrsulasDaBomb
... Three months after the funeral,my grandfather married his mistress of a decade(we found this out later)...
I never did forgive my grandfather for cheating on my grandmother with this woman nor did I forgive his second wife ...

So did you like the Cambodian Stepgrandmother when she 1st married your Grandfather and you didn't know that he had "cheated" on your grandmother?

Is it your place to be forgiving? Has anybody said they were sorry?

Or are you just upset that someone has replaced your Grandmother.

[Boots]

To be truthful I just don't know what I would do. I think I would be polite but not go overboard, just nice. Not real cold, just polite. But I would want my grandmother's things back no matter what! Sorry I can't give any really good advice. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you in your decision.

[Sal]

I can not improve on what Robinrs wrote.... Well said.

Letting go of the bad feelings is for your benefit. You will be glad you did.

[Jeff in BigD]

I agree that you should be cordial to her. I'm not saying you guys have to be best buddies or anything, but treat her like you would any normal person on the street. Good luck :)

[meeshi]

I have to agree with Robinrs also. When you hold a grudge, the person you're hurting the most is yourself.

[RitaZ.]

I totally agree with what Robin said. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with this woman. Your grandmother and grandfather are now gone, you are the only one that is holding on to the pain. Just let it go for your own peace of mind. Go to her house with your head held up high, be cordial/polite and gather your grandmother's belongings. {{{hugs}}}

[Joanne M]

Go get your stuff and get out of there. And do it ASAP or you may find you have nothing sentimental from that part of the family.

As for forgive and forget? As I understand it, you are not related to this woman, correct? So as I see it, she isn't necessarily part of your family, other than being the parent of step and half relatives. You don't have to include her in your life if you don't care to. She was supposedly a responsible adult when she made the decision to become involved and have children with a married man.

For your own sanity, I would suggest you let go of the anger here. It isn't helping you any and it is controlling how you run your own life. You don't need to be this woman's friend or accept her behavior, but you could be polite to her. It is in your best interests to do so and not let her relationship with your grandfather continue to control your actions. Show her you are better than that by rising above the poor decisions and poor judgement she and your grandfather exhibited.

[UrsulasDaBomb]

Thanks for the support guys,since this is such a tough decision.
In response to what betz said...we knew right from the beginning that she was the 'other woman' in his life.He was good at hiding it from us before my grandmother's death but once my grandmother was out of the picture,Yen(might as well call her by name)made it well known that SHE this great asian beauty(which I never thought she was...anyway),snagged a married white guy.A married white guy with a government pension no less.A war hero(he was in WWII and 'Nam).In broken english,she would always put my sister and I down as the 'white trash' of the family whenever we visited and there was even a rumor that went around that my grandfather had ordered the plug pulled on my grandmother at the end.Not to spare her any further pain but so that he could get on with his life and marry this woman.It seems to me a little suspicious that they got married three months to the very DAY of my grandmother's funeral,but again..that's just me being suspicious.We were never made to feel very welcome the few times we visted after they got married.Even her children treated us like white trash and made fun of us.I finally gave up and avoided visiting my grandfather after that.I couldn't take it.I guess if I do make a time to go over there and get my stuff,I will try my very hardest to be polite to her.It won't be easy,for sure.
But I promise to try.