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View Full Version : Dealing with another mother...:( Updated. Again!


joolz1910
10-16-2009, 01:51 PM
My daughter came home today very distressed. Another girl's mother had accosted her in the playground, saying, 'Now Olivia, what have you been doing to R? She is upset and I don't want her coming home like this for the weekend.' My DD said the mum was very stern. She was distraught as she maintains that she did NOTHING to this girl. When the mother asked R what Olivia had done, the girl shrugged and said she couldn't remember.

The mother was very apologetic but by then the damage had been done and my DD (age 9) was in floods of tears. My mother-in law was with her but she is so placid (annoyingly)that she said nothing to this woman.

I am really unhappy about this as the other mother is a school governor and is involved with my DD's class quite a lot, so consequently, my DD treats her like a teacher. I think she has abused her position and that she shouldn't have spoken to my DD directly. I believe she should have gone through the class teacher. I feel sorry for my DD because she is adamant that she had done nothing. I know girls fall out all of the time and if I got involved with every little row my kids had with other children...

Anyway, what would you do?

rpbert1
10-16-2009, 02:01 PM
I would be in monday morning for a meeting with the headteacher, she is abusing her position in the school irrelevant wether she is on the BOG.
We had a similar incident in our school a while back, and the parent was spoke to, and was warned about her future conduct, and that what she done would not be tolerated.

Danauk
10-16-2009, 02:12 PM
We have that exact situation at our school more and more often these days. I would speak to the head, they should speak to the parent about their conduct and give them a warning. That is what we do.

joolz1910
10-16-2009, 02:20 PM
Thanks. I think I will do exactly that. I wanted to know that I was not overreacting to the whole situation. She definitely adopts the role as a member of 'staff'. She is top dog in the playground mafia too.

I think I will point out to the Head that because of her position at school, she is seen differently by the children. I wonder how she would have felt if I'd challenged her daughter!

mandymouse
10-16-2009, 02:23 PM
:hug: Hugs to you and your DD. I agree with everyone else, have a word with the Headteacher, and let them talk to her

Verity Chambers
10-16-2009, 02:29 PM
I also work in a school and this seems to be happening alot. Whether she is a governor or not this is completely unacceptable behaviour on her part, please see your head on Monday. :hug:

joolz1910
10-16-2009, 02:36 PM
Apparently she went over to my DD who was sitting in the passenger seat of my MIL's car and opened the passenger door to speak to my DD!:scared1: She didn't even acknowledge my MIL, but just challenged my DD.

I really wish I'd been there. She would have regretted that move.:mad:

Pinky166
10-16-2009, 02:44 PM
Thats awful. Big hugs to you and your dd. :hug:

Verity Chambers
10-16-2009, 02:52 PM
Apparently she went over to my DD who was sitting in the passenger seat of my MIL's car and opened the passenger door to speak to my DD!:scared1: She didn't even acknowledge my MIL, but just challenged my DD.

I really wish I'd been there. She would have regretted that move.:mad:

My goodness, that is shocking!! I would have been furious. How would she feel if someone did that to her daughter, some people just DO NOT think!

Cyrano
10-16-2009, 03:28 PM
Apparently she went over to my DD who was sitting in the passenger seat of my MIL's car and opened the passenger door to speak to my DD!:scared1: She didn't even acknowledge my MIL, but just challenged my DD.

I really wish I'd been there. She would have regretted that move.:mad:

I could not imagine it getting worse after your original post...but it has.
Good advice from others to ask that the Head Teacher addresses this immediately.

joolz1910
10-16-2009, 04:22 PM
I quizzed my MIL later when DD was out of earshot - that is how I found out about the car door 'approach'. My MIL is so laid back and non-confrontational that she was appeased by the other mother's apology. She said that the other mother was making excuses once she saw that my DD was crying, saying 'perhaps I shouldn't have said anything'. Too true.

I'm going to ring up first thing on Monday morning and ask to see the Head. I am sure that the school will have a policy on how to deal with this sort of behaviour, and you can be sure I will ask her to implement it.

natalielongstaff
10-16-2009, 04:32 PM
hopefully the head will resolve this properly on monday, this is not acceptable behaviour :sad2:

Lisa_C
10-16-2009, 05:50 PM
That's disgusting behaviour from any woman, let alone a mother! To open the door is rude and I would find that abusive. I agree with the others that the Head Teacher should be made aware of this as she has so obviously over stepped the mark and frightened your little girl! :hug:

Joseph Carter
10-16-2009, 05:59 PM
Some people need to know there place. Confronting a young girl isnt the way to go about sorting a problem. :(

Ware Bears
10-16-2009, 06:16 PM
It would have been bad enough if she was 'just' a mother but the fact that she is a governor too :mad:

Good luck for Monday :wizard: and :hug: for your DD.

Tinks1984
10-16-2009, 06:25 PM
Terrible behaviour from the parent of the other child! How dare she approach your MIL's car in the first place, let alone open the passenger door and confront your DD! I bet the poor little thing was terrified - I would have been and I'm 25!

I'd most certainly speak to the Head of the school on Monday, BOG or not, that behaviour should not have to be tolerated!

Goodness, I'm annoyed - and it's not even my daughter! :scared1: :hug:

joolz1910
10-17-2009, 06:23 AM
Terrible behaviour from the parent of the other child! How dare she approach your MIL's car in the first place, let alone open the passenger door and confront your DD! I bet the poor little thing was terrified - I would have been and I'm 25!

I'd most certainly speak to the Head of the school on Monday, BOG or not, that behaviour should not have to be tolerated!

Goodness, I'm annoyed - and it's not even my daughter! :scared1: :hug:


:lmao: My friend said the same!

I'm not one of these mothers who think their child is never in the wrong. If Olivia had upset another child, I would want to know about it. This woman had seen her daughter crying and had decided to take her frustration out on my child. The other girl actually admitted that Olivia hadn't done anything to her!:confused3 I think it is because there was no-one else around to blame. My MIL is disabled and so is allowed to park on the school site, but she has to wait until the site has cleared before she can drive out. Basically she was a sitting duck at the end of the day.

CustardTart
10-17-2009, 06:59 AM
Some great advice, Juliette!!! I've only just read your post, hun and I am so mad on your behalf!!! Hugs to you and Olivia - I hope she's recovered from her ordeal... :hug: :hug: :hug: Governor or not, that kind of behaviour is unbelievable and totally unacceptable!!! Let us know how you get on Monday... :goodvibes

saratogagirl
10-17-2009, 07:09 AM
totally unacceptable, hugs to you and Olivia, hope you get things sorted on Monday

joolz1910
10-19-2009, 12:47 PM
Well, I went to see the Head this morning. Didn't come away feeling at all reassured. While she didn't condone the other mother's behaviour, she wouldn't openly condemn it either. She reluctantly agreed to speak to her but pointed out that she couldn't 'guarantee that she would be remorseful'. I asked if the school had a policy for dealing with these incidents, and she replied that they didn't but that they hoped parents would behave appropriately. She sort of treated the situation as if I had had a row with another parent - sort of bemused that I would expect her to be involved.

She asked if she could pass my details on to the other parent, so that she could phone me. I won't hold my breath as she probably wouldn't see me as important enough to bother with. I pointed out that a lack of policy or guidelines would make parents take matters into their own hands. She did accept that governors are advocates of the school and should not act outside of their role.

Not really sure where to go from here.:confused3

DISWolves
10-19-2009, 12:57 PM
In hindsight, you may have been better highlighting the incident and requesting the meeting with the head via email. This way you have always got comeback, in the future, should something similar ever happen again. Schools throughout the UK all should be adopting an anti-bullying policy, were age is not a barrier. Failing an acceptable outcome, I should inform the Local Education Authority and CC the Head at the same time. Good Luck :thumbsup2

mandymouse
10-19-2009, 01:01 PM
:hug: Sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for from the Headteacher. Hopefully the parent involved will get in touch and apologise for her behaviour

joolz1910
10-19-2009, 01:56 PM
In hindsight, you may have been better highlighting the incident and requesting the meeting with the head via email. This way you have always got comeback, in the future, should something similar ever happen again. Schools throughout the UK all should be adopting an anti-bullying policy, were age is not a barrier. Failing an acceptable outcome, I should inform the Local Education Authority and CC the Head at the same time. Good Luck :thumbsup2

I handed her a letter because I decided to put it in writing just in case I couldn't see her today. A friend at work suggested writing to the Chair of Governors and asking what they intended to do about it.

:hug: Sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for from the Headteacher. Hopefully the parent involved will get in touch and apologise for her behaviour

I will be very surprised if she bothers. She is the type of parent who thinks she's in charge of the school, and as I am a working mum, I don't really count in her eyes.

Another friend suggested that I request that this woman has no contact with my daughter in school. I'm really angry that I was fobbed off.:mad:

CustardTart
10-19-2009, 02:23 PM
This must be so frustrating and upsetting for you, Juliette. :headache: :hug:

I think I would allow a couple of days to see if any response is forthcoming from this woman. If not, rightly or wrongly, I personally would feel compelled to speak to her directly. Irrespective of what she thought/assumed had occurred, she herself had no right to accost your daughter in that intimidating and overbearing way. If she had a problem, she should have spoken to the class teacher or Olivia's parent/guardian. As for opening the car door - wow!!! :furious:

TBH I always hesitate to offer my two pence in these situations as I remember how much my own children hated me getting involved in school-related stuff. But this isn't a disagreement between kids that will blow over, this is an adult abusing her position of power and over-stepping the mark... I really hope you get the opportunity to talk with her and put her straight...

Cyrano
10-19-2009, 03:01 PM
I would raise it with the Education Authority if the matter is not resolved to your satisfaction. Defintely make sure you put it in writing as the Council will have a procedure and timetable that they have to deal with matters under. Email and telephone calls always seem to get treated differently, even though they are another form of communication.

Hope you can get closure on this :hug:

joolz1910
10-19-2009, 03:40 PM
Thank you to everyone for your excellent advice and support.:flower3:

The other mother has just rang me!:scared1: She started off a bit high-handed and defensive, playing down the whole situation. I was having none of it, so putting on my best teacher voice, I told her that she was, under no circumstances, to speak directly to Olivia in that way again. I told her that her daughter had been (allegedly) upset by a child, but that my daughter had been left upset and intimidated by an adult - which I thought was totally unacceptable.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, she eventually cracked and admitted that what she had done was 'unforgivable' and that she had been worrying about it all weekend. She had looked at it from my perspective and seen that she had handled the whole situation very badly.

I was gracious (and told her that we should now just move on and forget it), as I had received an apology and an acknowledgement that what she had done was wrong. I told her that in future she should involve the class teacher or speak directly to me, and she agreed.

Anyway, all done and dusted now. Until the next time.;)

Tinks1984
10-19-2009, 04:01 PM
Oh wonderful news Joolz! I'd just caught up with the thread from your first post telling about the Headteacher (and was still annoyed :scared1:) until I finally reached the final post you've just done.

I'm so pleased you've managed to speak with the girls mother, and that she's finally accepted she was wrong in confronting your little girl. As you said, if there are ever any issues (and I'm sure there never will be!) then she should contact you and not your daughter. I'm sure most adults would normally do this to begin with, no matter how upset they are :confused3

I hope your little girl is feeling better about school again and she doesn't have to worry about seeing the other parent again :hug:

joolz1910
10-19-2009, 04:06 PM
Oh wonderful news Joolz! I'd just caught up with the thread from your first post telling about the Headteacher (and was still annoyed :scared1:) until I finally reached the final post you've just done.

I'm so pleased you've managed to speak with the girls mother, and that she's finally accepted she was wrong in confronting your little girl. As you said, if there are ever any issues (and I'm sure there never will be!) then she should contact you and not your daughter. I'm sure most adults would normally do this to begin with, no matter how upset they are :confused3

I hope your little girl is feeling better about school again and she doesn't have to worry about seeing the other parent again :hug:

Thanks.:) I've explained the whole thing to Olivia and we've had a good chat about it. She is OK now. I still think the other mother is an utter nutter but I doubt whether she would do this again. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when the Head spoke to her.;)

Pinky166
10-19-2009, 04:12 PM
Just caught up with todays messages....I am so glad she called you and apologised. :hug:

CustardTart
10-19-2009, 04:16 PM
The other mother has just rang me!:scared1: She started off a bit high-handed and defensive, playing down the whole situation. I was having none of it, so putting on my best teacher voice, I told her that she was, under no circumstances, to speak directly to Olivia in that way again. I told her that her daughter had been (allegedly) upset by a child, but that my daughter had been left upset and intimidated by an adult - which I thought was totally unacceptable...

Well, that's fantastic!!! :thumbsup2 You know, I'm sort of grudgingly impressed that she had the decency to call you - whether or not the Head put her under pressure, that couldn't have been easy... But you handled it brilliantly!!! :goodvibes

I was gracious (and told her that we should now just move on and forget it), as I had received an apology and an acknowledgement that what she had done was wrong. I told her that in future she should involve the class teacher or speak directly to me, and she agreed...
Good for you!! I also imagine you've done a lot of other Mums a favour by tackling her on this... ;)

I've explained the whole thing to Olivia and we've had a good chat about it. She is OK now. I still think the other mother is an utter nutter but I doubt whether she would do this again. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when the Head spoke to her.;)
I'm glad Olivia's OK too - all in all, a satisfactory outcome - I'm very pleased for you both... :hug: :hug: :hug:

The Fetherstons
10-19-2009, 04:53 PM
Just caught up with this thread:headache:OMG.

I am so glad you now have it sorted:hug:

Ware Bears
10-19-2009, 05:01 PM
Wonderful news, thank goodness, you and Olivia can put it behind you now. :goodvibes

Nubbedy
10-19-2009, 05:08 PM
Hope your Olivia is ok now, and glad you got this sorted out. :hug:

Cyrano
10-19-2009, 05:38 PM
The other mother has just rang me!:scared1: She started off a bit high-handed and defensive, playing down the whole situation. I was having none of it, so putting on my best teacher voice, I told her that she was, under no circumstances, to speak directly to Olivia in that way again. I told her that her daughter had been (allegedly) upset by a child, but that my daughter had been left upset and intimidated by an adult - which I thought was totally unacceptable.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, she eventually cracked and admitted that what she had done was 'unforgivable' and that she had been worrying about it all weekend. She had looked at it from my perspective and seen that she had handled the whole situation very badly.

I was gracious (and told her that we should now just move on and forget it), as I had received an apology and an acknowledgement that what she had done was wrong. I told her that in future she should involve the class teacher or speak directly to me, and she agreed.

Anyway, all done and dusted now. Until the next time.;)

Well done you :woohoo::woohoo:

mandymouse
10-20-2009, 02:35 AM
Thank you to everyone for your excellent advice and support.:flower3:

The other mother has just rang me!:scared1: She started off a bit high-handed and defensive, playing down the whole situation. I was having none of it, so putting on my best teacher voice, I told her that she was, under no circumstances, to speak directly to Olivia in that way again. I told her that her daughter had been (allegedly) upset by a child, but that my daughter had been left upset and intimidated by an adult - which I thought was totally unacceptable.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, she eventually cracked and admitted that what she had done was 'unforgivable' and that she had been worrying about it all weekend. She had looked at it from my perspective and seen that she had handled the whole situation very badly.

I was gracious (and told her that we should now just move on and forget it), as I had received an apology and an acknowledgement that what she had done was wrong. I told her that in future she should involve the class teacher or speak directly to me, and she agreed.

Anyway, all done and dusted now. Until the next time.;)

I am so pleased that this has all been sorted, and that she apologised to you. I hope you and your DD can now put this behind you :)

thelittlemermaid83
10-20-2009, 04:49 AM
Just read this thread and OMG, I hope Olivia is ok now :hug: and i'm so glad you recieved a apology.

tennisfan
10-20-2009, 05:03 AM
Thank you to everyone for your excellent advice and support.:flower3:

The other mother has just rang me!:scared1: She started off a bit high-handed and defensive, playing down the whole situation. I was having none of it, so putting on my best teacher voice, I told her that she was, under no circumstances, to speak directly to Olivia in that way again. I told her that her daughter had been (allegedly) upset by a child, but that my daughter had been left upset and intimidated by an adult - which I thought was totally unacceptable.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, she eventually cracked and admitted that what she had done was 'unforgivable' and that she had been worrying about it all weekend. She had looked at it from my perspective and seen that she had handled the whole situation very badly.

I was gracious (and told her that we should now just move on and forget it), as I had received an apology and an acknowledgement that what she had done was wrong. I told her that in future she should involve the class teacher or speak directly to me, and she agreed.

Anyway, all done and dusted now. Until the next time.;)

Glad the mother apologised & admitted she was in the wrong. Hope Olivia is ok now:goodvibes

Chilly
10-20-2009, 05:26 AM
Just caught up with this thread. Glad you have resolved it however I think the other Mother should have apologised to your DD in person. You would expect Olivia to apologise if she had done something wrong and it is important that adults set an example.

darthtatty
10-20-2009, 07:00 AM
well done you :cool1:

DISWolves
10-20-2009, 07:50 AM
Great news!!!! :yay::yay:

rpbert1
10-22-2009, 05:12 PM
Glad you got it sorted, next step would have been BOG , and doubt the Head would have wanted that, although if its anything like our school, i am sure they got to hear about it from someone

joolz1910
10-23-2009, 01:41 PM
Thanks everyone for your advice and support. Olivia is fine now and (as predicted) is friends with the other girl. I'm glad it was all resolved but I was prepared to take it further if necessary!