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GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 08:27 AM
If you were in your best friends wedding (which was costing you around $300 for attire & other financial contributions) and a serious financial emergency arose 1 1/2 months before the wedding and this emergency required you to take a loan from another person you are very close to (think SO, immediate family member etc.)

You know that person worked really hard (scrimped and saved) to save up that money for dire emergencies.

would you...

1. Drop out of the wedding. Life happens. Tell your bff that something serious came up, you had to take a loan from another close friend and need every cent you have right now to pay it back.

2. Stay in the wedding party but drop out of all related activities (bachelor(ette) parties/showers etc.) and not give a large gift and use that saved money to give your other friend back their money sooner.

3. Pay your loan back over time and expect that person to be okay with your spending at least $300 on unneccesary stuff (being in someone's wedding party = a want, not a necessity) while they wait for you to pay them back.


4. Take option 1 BUT be always bitter towards the person who gave you the loan for wanting their money back so soon and think the person who gave you the loan is selfish for thinking their loan repayment is more important than your BFFs wedding.

I'm curious as to what people would do.

I would personally choose option 1 & I asked my two best friends, who both said they would do the same. We all also agreed we would never hold it against each other if we couldn't be in each other weddings due to financial reasons.

Edit to add, the person who took the loan, and the bff are men. The person who gave the loan is a woman. Not that it matters.

MickeyP
07-30-2009, 08:34 AM
Tell the bride what happened and say you'll have to drop out. She'll help, or loan you the money. Don't take money from the friend that scrimps/saves for her savings. That way everyone will understand.

BeenHereB4
07-30-2009, 08:39 AM
I chose option 2, but when I was much younger, I had to do option 1 because my "required contributions" just got way out of hand. The girl never spoke to me again and I was not able to recoup the downpayment on my dress.

Darcy03231
07-30-2009, 09:02 AM
I would choose Option 2. By now I assuming that you've already paid for the dress, shoes, etc. I would also let the bride know that due to your situation you will not be participating in any of the extra stuff or giving a gift.

I asked a very good friend to be in my wedding party and paid for all of her expenses as I knew she couldn't afford to. Her company that day (and through the years) was my gift.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 09:03 AM
Without going in to more detail, the person who took the loan is a man and the bff is also a man.

EthansMom
07-30-2009, 09:05 AM
If 2 would get me significantly paid off on my debt, then I'd do number 2. I'd also look at other places in my life I could cut spending (other than wedding-related).

If 2 really didn't come close, I'd do number 1.

StephMK
07-30-2009, 09:13 AM
I would choose 2. 1.5 mo before the wedding puts a lot of stress on the wedding party & leaves them having to possibly invite another grooomsman last minute - who wants to know they were not an original pick?

I'd stay in it, cut costs where possible & find alternate ways to get the $ to pay back the friend in the meantime. $300 is not a huge amount to find ways to cut back in other areas or earn extra somehow to be in the wedding. Whatever steps they take to earn that, keep going after the wedding to finish paying back friend.

I did not attend one of BFF's weddings because I'd just had a baby 3 wks ago & my grandfather passed the following week, plus $ was very tight to fly, no sleep, travel w/baby hard, etc. That was 7 yrs ago & I still wish I'd made the effort to be there. She understood but I still feel like a crappy friend in that respect.

simonsmom
07-30-2009, 09:17 AM
option 2 however I would try to give a small gift that is personal- picture frame,photo album,or something along those lines. And for the shower let the other wedding party members know you can't help financially but you will help physically with set up,clean up,etc

sk!mom
07-30-2009, 09:17 AM
If you were in your best friends wedding (which was costing you around $300 for attire & other financial contributions) and a serious financial emergency arose 1 1/2 months before the wedding and this emergency required you to take a loan from another person you are very close to (think SO, immediate family member etc.)

You know that person worked really hard (scrimped and saved) to save up that money for dire emergencies.

would you...

1. Drop out of the wedding. Life happens. Tell your bff that something serious came up, you had to take a loan from another close friend and need every cent you have right now to pay it back.

2. Stay in the wedding party but drop out of all related activities (bachelor(ette) parties/showers etc.) and not give a large gift and use that saved money to give your other friend back their money sooner.

3. Pay your loan back over time and expect that person to be okay with your spending at least $300 on unneccesary stuff (being in someone's wedding party = a want, not a necessity) while they wait for you to pay them back.


4. Take option 1 BUT be always bitter towards the person who gave you the loan for wanting their money back so soon and think the person who gave you the loan is selfish for thinking their loan repayment is more important than your BFFs wedding.

I'm curious as to what people would do.

I would personally choose option 1 & I asked my two best friends, who both said they would do the same. We all also agreed we would never hold it against each other if we couldn't be in each other weddings due to financial reasons.

Edit to add, the person who took the loan, and the bff are men. The person who gave the loan is a woman. Not that it matters.


I would most likely do #1 unless I had already bought the wedding clothes which I likely would have that close to the wedding.

If the clothing were purchased then I would do a version of #2. Skip parties and an expensive gift. If the Groom is truly a close friend then he should understand that you're having financial difficulties and won't be judging the value of your gift. Dropping out of anything where you were helping to host might put an unfair and unexpected financial burden on other's in the wedding party.

I would cut my budget in every area possible and get my friend paid back. Think ramen noodles and staying home- spending NO money!

MaumeeMom
07-30-2009, 09:29 AM
I picked 1 but with a caveat - if the programs have been printed, the member of the wedding party should really attempt to be there.

#4 is really harsh. "...the person who gave you the loan is selfish" If they were selfish, they wouldn't have loaned the money. Wow, would someone really be this shallow, to be bitter towards someone who tried to help them?

Good luck to all involved, I hope everything works out.

greens_in_WA
07-30-2009, 09:35 AM
It depends on the people involved... most (not all) women are pretty touchy feely about weddings and might just understand the need to be in the wedding. Given that the loan receiver & bff are men, the bff getting married, might or might not thing its a big deal to bag out. Since your first inclination is to bow out of the wedding, but you feel a bit badly about it, I'd talk to the lender and explain what you are thinking and why, if she agrees, then you are comfortable with your decision and haven't jumped to conclusions about her preference. You could even go into it with the perspective of bowing out of the wedding. If she thinks you should still be in the wedding, then I'd discuss with bff, that you'd prefer to pay off the loan, but his friendship is important and if its important for him that you're in the wedding, you can set the priority that way.

Honestly, I think men & women differ a bit on this one. Maybe its just my dh, but I really think he would've understood...

Best wishes!

Took
07-30-2009, 09:39 AM
I picked 1 but with a caveat - if the programs have been printed, the member of the wedding party should really attempt to be there.

#4 is really harsh. "...the person who gave you the loan is selfish" If they were selfish, they wouldn't have loaned the money. Wow, would someone really be this shallow, to be bitter towards someone who tried to help them?

Good luck to all involved, I hope everything works out.

I agree. A loan is a generous offer. Weddings are wonderful but "extras" so I chose 1, but 2 would be okay, too, if one already had paid for the clothes. Tell the groom/bride. If you're situation is that bad and they want you to be in the wedding that much, they'll help with clothes or tell you that your participation is "enough" and not expect a gift or other stuff.

Took

BTW, no one gave me a "bachelorette" party, only showers, and I didn't feel ignored at all!

mjkacmom
07-30-2009, 10:26 AM
I would go with option #2. Explain to the groom your situation, and offer to rent your tux, but that's it. I assume you would still be attending the wedding anyway, and if you can't afford a gift, you would let them know this anyway. It would be a PITA for the couple to find someone else to stand in this late, and kind of insulting to the person who was asked at the last minute.

crashbb
07-30-2009, 10:57 AM
Was there any discussion during the loan process about payment? Any time lines given? That would factor into my thoughts.

uva185
07-30-2009, 11:05 AM
I wouldn't pick any of your options. I certainly would NOT drop out of the wedding or any of the related events! Being there for someone is alot more important than $300. I would take the loan and one way or another pay it back within a month or so. One can easily sell some unwanted items on eBay, try to work more hours, etc to re-coup $300. If all else fails they could tighten their own budget to save $300.

On a side note, with the amount only being $300 would it not have been easier to put it on a credit card or take a cash advance on a credit card rather than asking a friend (who is also financially strapped) for cash. :confused3

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 11:33 AM
I am not the person who took the loan so I can't say why they didn't use a cc. I know this person is trying to get out cc debt and that is likely why.

The loan amount was $500 lent with the stipulation that the person it was being lent to pay it back asap by cutting out absolutely all unnecessary spending.

The person it has no other areas they can cut out. The loaner actually went over the loanees finances with him and there is really only cutting out the wedding stuff or taking a good solid 6 months to pay it back.

To the person who said the money was less important than being there for someone, who becomes more important here? The friend whose wedding you're in or the friend/family member who you took the emergency loan from?

IMHO, I think in this economy, if someone lent me $500 from their emergency account to cover my emergency, paying them back would be my utmost priority.

uva185
07-30-2009, 11:45 AM
I am not the person who took the loan so I can't say why they didn't use a cc. I know this person is trying to get out cc debt and that is likely why.

The loan amount was $500 lent with the stipulation that the person it was being lent to pay it back asap by cutting out absolutely all unnecessary spending.

The person it has no other areas they can cut out. The loaner actually went over the loanees finances with him and there is really only cutting out the wedding stuff or taking a good solid 6 months to pay it back.

To the person who said the money was less important than being there for someone, who becomes more important here? The friend whose wedding you're in or the friend/family member who you took the emergency loan from?

IMHO, I think in this economy, if someone lent me $500 from their emergency account to cover my emergency, paying them back would be my utmost priority.

Wait, was it $300 or $500? Was $200 already paid back from a $500 loan?

Obviously paying back the money is important, and as I said, one way or another I would have it paid back in a month -- even if it meant selling items. I still wouldn't back out of the wedding.

Even in "this economy" there are plenty of ways to make additional money. It's just a matter of how willing you are to do so.

crashbb
07-30-2009, 11:49 AM
Wait, was it $300 or $500? Was $200 already paid back from a $500 loan?

Obviously paying back the money is important, and as I said, one way or another I would have it paid back in a month -- even if it meant selling items. I still wouldn't back out of the wedding.

Even in "this economy" there are plenty of ways to make additional money. It's just a matter of how willing you are to do so.

I interpreted that the loan was $500 and not for wedding stuff (it was for a "serious financial emergency"). By skipping the wedding, the friend will "save" $300 which can go towards re-paying the loan.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 11:53 AM
None of these options. You committed to the wedding and it is too late to back out. At this point you must have paid much of the dress (it should be on order). You cannot back out of the Bridal Shower but you can back out of all other wedding events.

Cut out all other fun spending and pay the loan back ASAP.

MaumeeMom
07-30-2009, 11:57 AM
PARTIAL
...with the amount only being $300 would it not have been easier to put it on a credit card or take a cash advance on a credit card rather than asking a friend (who is also financially strapped) for cash. :confused3

To some people $300 is a lot of money, not "only" $300. For some, $300 is hard to come by, even by cutting out extras. I would venture to guess that this is a younger person who doesn't have a lot of assets so selling enough things on eBay to raise $300 may not be possible. Asking for extra hours at one's job isn't always possible, especially with so many places laying people off - they don't want to pay anyone overtime.

Using a credit card to fund something that one can't afford is never wise and a cash advance cost so much more in the long run. Credit card use is something that has gotten many people into trouble - it can cripple a person financially for many, many years. No real friend would want to see this happen.

The "borrower" should sit down with the groom or the wedding couple and explain his situation. Maybe they can help him pay for the wedding necessities such as tuxes or arrange to pay for them now with the understanding that they will be paid back later.

This is a thorny situation and could lead to problems, I hope that everything works out for all involved.

branv
07-30-2009, 12:02 PM
Frankly, if someone is truly your BFF, a person should be able to tell them their troubles and they can come to a resolution together. And If I really care about someone, I would never have allowed them to go into painful debt for the sake of my wedding. How joyful is a wedding if someone has to suffer because of it? If I wanted them there that badly and I had the money, I would have covered a wedding members (or perhaps a guest that couldn't afford to travel) costs. If I the bride/groom couldn't afford that AND my friend couldn't afford that, then we would just have to accept that we were both in the same place and give each other an out. It would be sad, but being a friend means being compassionate and understanding on both sides. If the groom is really his BFF, and this person can swing renting the tux without a big loan, then the groom should be understanding and happy to have them simply be a part of the wedding without all the added extras of the bachelor party/gift.

So no, I wouldn't take a loan if it was attached to this much stress. And anyone I call a BF would never want me to do so.

I also agree that option #4 is AWFUL. What kind of person would take a loan from someone then cop such resentment? They don't deserve any help if that's their attitude.

MaumeeMom
07-30-2009, 12:17 PM
Frankly, if someone is truly your BFF, a person should be able to tell them their troubles and they can come to a resolution together. And If I really care about someone, I would never have allowed them to go into painful debt for the sake of my wedding. How joyful is a wedding if someone has to suffer because of it? If I wanted them there that badly and I had the money, I would have covered a wedding members (or perhaps a guest that couldn't afford to travel) costs. If I the bride/groom couldn't afford that AND my friend couldn't afford that, then we would just have to accept that we were both in the same place and give each other an out. It would be sad, but being a friend means being compassionate and understanding on both sides. If the groom is really his BFF, and this person can swing renting the tux without a big loan, then the groom should be understanding and happy to have them simply be a part of the wedding without all the added extras of the bachelor party/gift.

So no, I wouldn't take a loan if it was attached to this much stress. And anyone I call a BF would never want me to do so.

I also agree that option #4 is AWFUL. What kind of person would take a loan from someone then cop such resentment? They don't deserve any help if that's their attitude.

Well said!

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 12:22 PM
I interpreted that the loan was $500 and not for wedding stuff (it was for a "serious financial emergency"). By skipping the wedding, the friend will "save" $300 which can go towards re-paying the loan.

It was for $500.

The emergency was the persons car died. The loan was for half of a downpayment on a new car.

Yes, by skipping the wedding stuff, the person can save up to $300 depending on what they bow out of.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 12:31 PM
It was for $500.

The emergency was the persons car died. The loan was for half of a downpayment on a new car.

Yes, by skipping the wedding stuff, the person can save up to $300 depending on what they bow out of.

The loan was on a car downpayment. Why did they not borrow more on the car loan and not get this loan? IMHO this is not a reason to pull out of the wedding or any other wedding stuff.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 01:25 PM
The loan was on a car downpayment. Why did they not borrow more on the car loan and not get this loan? IMHO this is not a reason to pull out of the wedding or any other wedding stuff.

He had to keep his payments w/in a specific amount to be able to pay it per month. Putting down $1K instead of the $500 he had helped lower the monthly payments and get the deal on the car. When I say this person has no other means to cut corners and pay the friend back, I mean he really does not have much left after bills are paid each month, to the point that an extra $20-$30 on the car payment per month makes a difference.

IMO, having yourself a car that runs (this person is not in a public trans area), esp. when you are living paycheck to paycheck, is more important than being in someone's wedding.

I am also stressing, I am not 100% sure what was going on in the borrowers mind since I am neither a man or this person. It was just a scenario that came up and I wanted opinions on it to try and give this person the best advice possible.

uva185
07-30-2009, 01:37 PM
It was for $500.

The emergency was the persons car died. The loan was for half of a downpayment on a new car.

Yes, by skipping the wedding stuff, the person can save up to $300 depending on what they bow out of.

What did he do with the dead car? At a bare minimum he should have been able to get a couple hundred bucks for scrap metal. Maybe some more for the tires if they were not too old.

MiniGirl
07-30-2009, 01:42 PM
I think there are too many variables. Does the loan holder want their money back so quickly because s/he is now facing a financial crisis or do they just want it back? I will say that I would try to keep the commitment I made first which is to be in the wedding. If the loan holder went over the borrowers finances, then he knew this was on the horizon and it should be a non-issue. If it was offered (and taken) with dropping out of the wedding as a specific condition, then that's what you need to do. Like I said... too many variables and things we do really know.

Also, I do have friends that have borrowed money from family and regret it terribly. The loan holder made life miserable -- even after the loan had been paid back.

mjkacmom
07-30-2009, 01:47 PM
If he is this broke, he should've said no to the wedding. As of now, he has made a committment to the bride and groom. Maybe he can work something else out with the groom, instead of backing out.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 01:51 PM
The person who gave the loan gave this person specific requirements that they expected the loan taker to cancel any and all unnecessary things to pay her back quickly. I do not think there is any emergency on her end but she just wants her money back asap as she is not a wealthy person by any means.

I believe she asked the borrower to cut back on the wedding stuff, but not drop out (ie. she asked him to do option 2). The borrower is refusing which is leading to some angst because the person who gave the loan is telling the borrower that if he had the money to go party with the boys at a bachelor party, and give his bff a hefty cash wedding gift, he probably didn't really need this loan.

The person who borrowed apparently doesn't see any of the wedding related stuff as things he has a choice about.

I don't really know the bff/groom. From what I understand, he has money and at least 6 other groomsmen. This is supposedly going to be a gala wedding.

robinb
07-30-2009, 01:53 PM
I voted for Option 2. It's too late to back out of the wedding, but the groom should understand that your friend needs to cut back on his monetary obligation. A real BFF would understand about cutting back but may not understand backing out of his wedding.

The only question is: what did he promise the lender? Did he promise the lender than he would skip the wedding when the lender went over his finances? Or do you just assume that the lender would consider the wedding "unnecessary"? IMO, a BEST FRIEND'S wedding is necessary and it is rude and greedy to request that the borrower back out.

uva185
07-30-2009, 01:53 PM
If the loan holder went over the borrowers finances, then he knew this was on the horizon and it should be a non-issue. If it was offered (and taken) with dropping out of the wedding as a specific condition, then that's what you need to do.

Very good point.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 01:58 PM
What did he do with the dead car? At a bare minimum he should have been able to get a couple hundred bucks for scrap metal. Maybe some more for the tires if they were not too old.

I know this one because I know cars (for work) and asked him about it/helped him find some cars. He got $2000 for it at trade in. The car he got was something like $7K. He didn't want to get a total clunker and end up with another dead car in 6 months. So he financed around $4500 after the trade and d/p.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 02:04 PM
I voted for Option 2. It's too late to back out of the wedding, but the groom should understand that your friend needs to cut back on his monetary obligation. A real BFF would understand about cutting back but may not understand backing out of his wedding.

The only question is: what did he promise the lender? Did he promise the lender than he would skip the wedding when the lender went over his finances? Or do you just assume that the lender would consider the wedding "unnecessary"? IMO, a BEST FRIEND'S wedding is necessary and it is rude and greedy to request that the borrower back out.


I think the scenario is he promised he would cut back on all unecessary things. The lender made it clear to him that this included all wedding related events save for the actual wedding. He now does not want to back out of the bachelor party and still wants to give a large gift. The lender does not agree that being in a wedding is necessary thing but also doesn't want to see his friend get stuck with one less person in their party and gave the person the money with the understanding that he would not attend the other events and would use that money to start to pay her back.

BeenHereB4
07-30-2009, 02:09 PM
I think the scenario is he promised he would cut back on all unecessary things. The lender made it clear to him that this included all wedding related events save for the actual wedding. He now does not want to back out of the bachelor party and still wants to give a large gift. The lender does not agree that being in a wedding is necessary thing but also doesn't want to see his friend get stuck with one less person in their party and gave the person the money with the understanding that he would not attend the other events and would use that money to start to pay her back.

Seems the question has been answered then. A condition of the loan was that he do the wedding only and give either a small or no gift. He really should stick with what he promised the lender IMO.

angwill
07-30-2009, 02:20 PM
Frankly, if someone is truly your BFF, a person should be able to tell them their troubles and they can come to a resolution together. And If I really care about someone, I would never have allowed them to go into painful debt for the sake of my wedding. How joyful is a wedding if someone has to suffer because of it? If I wanted them there that badly and I had the money, I would have covered a wedding members (or perhaps a guest that couldn't afford to travel) costs. If I the bride/groom couldn't afford that AND my friend couldn't afford that, then we would just have to accept that we were both in the same place and give each other an out. It would be sad, but being a friend means being compassionate and understanding on both sides. If the groom is really his BFF, and this person can swing renting the tux without a big loan, then the groom should be understanding and happy to have them simply be a part of the wedding without all the added extras of the bachelor party/gift.

So no, I wouldn't take a loan if it was attached to this much stress. And anyone I call a BF would never want me to do so.

I also agree that option #4 is AWFUL. What kind of person would take a loan from someone then cop such resentment? They don't deserve any help if that's their attitude.

I agree with this completely.

If I were the bride and a wedding party memeber came to me in this situation I would either pay for his tux, since the grooms is usually free if everyone else rents, and tell him to please not give us any gifts with no need to feel guilty. Life is not about gifts a friend gives it is about the companionship and emotional support in my opinion. Or I would let him back out and find a family member or other close friend to fill in. 1 1/2 months is plenty of time to find a replacement groom. No hard feelings would go with that we all get in a jam from time to time and it is nobody's business how we chose to spend our hard earned money.

PS. I did pay for two bridesmaids dress at our wedding because I could afford to seeing that I found beautiful dresses for $75 or so on clearance and didn't pick a never can be worn again go into hock for dress. I took into account everyones financial situation who stood up since we were all young and struggling and I felt that was my responsibility as a good friend.

robinb
07-30-2009, 02:20 PM
I think the scenario is he promised he would cut back on all unecessary things. The lender made it clear to him that this included all wedding related events save for the actual wedding. He now does not want to back out of the bachelor party and still wants to give a large gift. The lender does not agree that being in a wedding is necessary thing but also doesn't want to see his friend get stuck with one less person in their party and gave the person the money with the understanding that he would not attend the other events and would use that money to start to pay her back.Well ... if the borrower promised the lender that he would back out on the party and cut back on the gift in order to receive the loan then he should probably keep his promise. However, I think that the lender overstepped her bounds in requiring the borrower to do either one of those things. The loan should have been based on equal payments (say, $100 per month for 5 months) instead of dictating what the borrower can or cannot spend money on.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 02:31 PM
1 1/2 months is plenty of time to find a replacement groom.


I know you meant to type "groomsman" but this made me :rotfl:

angwill
07-30-2009, 02:36 PM
Hey if he promised the lender he has to stand up on his end of the bargain or obviously the lender wouldn't have lent the money to him. It sounds like the lender is putting their own financial well being on a limb for him.

That said he should have talked to the bride and groom first before he took the money and he wouldn't be in the situation he is in.

Good luck to him.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 02:47 PM
He had to keep his payments w/in a specific amount to be able to pay it per month. Putting down $1K instead of the $500 he had helped lower the monthly payments and get the deal on the car. When I say this person has no other means to cut corners and pay the friend back, I mean he really does not have much left after bills are paid each month, to the point that an extra $20-$30 on the car payment per month makes a difference.

IMO, having yourself a car that runs (this person is not in a public trans area), esp. when you are living paycheck to paycheck, is more important than being in someone's wedding.

I am also stressing, I am not 100% sure what was going on in the borrowers mind since I am neither a man or this person. It was just a scenario that came up and I wanted opinions on it to try and give this person the best advice possible.

Either way he borrowed that $500.

By borrowing from a person he has to pay the $500 off quicker than he would have with the loan.

Is the new car BRAND new or a used car?

The best senario was to buy a car that cost $500 or better yet $1K less. Then he would have had the $500 and not the extra loan.

angwill
07-30-2009, 02:49 PM
I know you meant to type "groomsman" but this made me :rotfl:

LOL:lmao: I am leaving it that way because it is funny and might give a laugh to others. Dang, that would be some quick thinking to replace a groom in a month and a half.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 02:51 PM
The person who gave the loan gave this person specific requirements that they expected the loan taker to cancel any and all unnecessary things to pay her back quickly. I do not think there is any emergency on her end but she just wants her money back asap as she is not a wealthy person by any means.

I believe she asked the borrower to cut back on the wedding stuff, but not drop out (ie. she asked him to do option 2). The borrower is refusing which is leading to some angst because the person who gave the loan is telling the borrower that if he had the money to go party with the boys at a bachelor party, and give his bff a hefty cash wedding gift, he probably didn't really need this loan.

The person who borrowed apparently doesn't see any of the wedding related stuff as things he has a choice about.

I don't really know the bff/groom. From what I understand, he has money and at least 6 other groomsmen. This is supposedly going to be a gala wedding.


He knew the arrangements when he took the loan, so he must follow through.

A groomsman does not need to go to the bridal show or any other stuff except the wedding. He can offer the bride and groom labor as his wedding gift. Not the ideal gift but still a gift.

If he backed out would he still expect to go to the wedding? If he did there would still be a cost.

6 weeks is too late IMHO to back out of a wedding.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 02:55 PM
I know you meant to type "groomsman" but this made me :rotfl:

I noticed that too. That is a great typo.:rotfl:

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 03:02 PM
Either way he borrowed that $500.

By borrowing from a person he has to pay the $500 off quicker than he would have with the loan.

Is the new car BRAND new or a used car?

The best senario was to buy a car that cost $500 or better yet $1K less. Then he would have had the $500 and not the extra loan.


Used. Not sure where you can get a decent car for $1000 around here.

crashbb
07-30-2009, 03:11 PM
Used. Not sure where you can get a decent car for $1000 around here.

I think the PP meant $500 or $1000 less than what the car he did buy cost - so a car for $3500-$4000 dollars.

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 03:12 PM
I think the PP meant $500 or $1000 less than what the car he did buy cost - so a car for $3500-$4000 dollars.

Thats what I ment.

redrosesix
07-30-2009, 03:13 PM
I chose Option 2, sort of. It's too late to back out of the wedding, and I would recommend participating in the wedding even if it was a year away -- those are the things that lasting memories are made of. My brother did everything he could to be his friend's best man -- he was in law school at the time and money was tight -- to this day, they are still best friends, and next month the friend will be his best man. Was it worth it? absolutely! Was it a necessary expense? Yup, I think so.

As some people have mentioned, the guy really needs to talk with the groom -- the groom may not want a lavish bachelor party (my brother is going camping with his friends, so all they need to pay for is beer and burgers). In truth, everybody in the wedding party may be strapped for cash right now -- it may make things easier for everybody to rethink things somewhat and figure out the priorities. When we got married, we actually helped with travel expenses for some members of the bridal party, and paid for 2 tux rentals.

As for the gift, every etiquette book will tell you that you have up to a year to give a wedding gift. Money is always great, but if the couple is registered, you can wait for one of their items to go on sale. Or you can make something for them (a friend of mine actually built lawn furniture for somebody's wedding gift)

Either way he borrowed that $500.

By borrowing from a person he has to pay the $500 off quicker than he would have with the loan.

Is the new car BRAND new or a used car?

The best senario was to buy a car that cost $500 or better yet $1K less. Then he would have had the $500 and not the extra loan.

I agree with a pp about the car loan -- the money shouldn't have been borrowed for the downpayment since it actually has to be paid back sooner than if it had been included with the monthly payments. But what's done is done, so I'd recommend picking up some odd jobs (painting, landscaping, etc) to pay it off - a couple of weekends here and there would have the $500 paid off a lot quicker.

Nie0214
07-30-2009, 03:17 PM
This tale has too many "he said" "she said" 3rd party stuff for me to really make a decision.

I will say that if I had no money at all and my best friend were getting married, I'd do whatever I could to be in her wedding. Not my best friend? Then I wouldn't have accepted to be in the party.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 03:20 PM
I think the PP meant $500 or $1000 less than what the car he did buy cost - so a car for $3500-$4000 dollars.

I think it was a combination of he was out of a car and needed one almost immediately, like within days because of his lack of public trans as well as he found a car that was actually a good deal (low mileage, priced lower than it should have been due to some minor cosmetic damage he apparently doesn't care about etc.) and wanted to jump on the deal asap. Due to his finances, he probably can't really afford to rent while he shops around. :confused3

I am going to suggest that he provide labor for the wedding instead of a gift. He can clean up, return the grooms tux, bring the gifts to wherever or any one of a number of other things. I'm pretty sure neither of these people have thought of that.

shortbun
07-30-2009, 03:26 PM
As a woman, I'd pick #2 because it's very difficult to get another woman into the whole wedding party thing just 6 weeks in advance. Because it's a man, perhaps #1 would be my choice as tuxes are easier to fit and adjust. I don't consider the commitment to a friend to be in their wedding, 'a want' especially 6 weeks prior. It could seriously inconvenience a huge group of people and cause undue stress. I'm guessing your man chose #3 and someone's ticked off about it. Neither a borrower nor a lender be! I have never loaned money to someone when I could not afford to lose it or if the failure of repayment would seriously impair our friendship or relationship. The lender's expectations could prove to be their disappointments and imho, that's their fault.

EthansMom
07-30-2009, 03:27 PM
There's a reason that I never loan money to others. (Okay, maybe $5 when the person doesn't have cash for a sandwich at lunch, but otherwise NEVER.)

Either, (a) I believe the person truly NEEDS the money and I can afford to GIVE it to them or (b) I believe the person is a bad credit risk and/or I can't afford to GIVE them the amount of money they need/want. If it's (a), I would give them the money as a gift, free and clear. If it's (b), I would tell them that I can't help them out.

IMO, lending money to friends and extended family members is a recipe for ruining relationships. If your close family members can't/won't lend you the money and you can't borrow the money from a bank or other lending institution, then why should your friends take on that risk? And then the lender is constantly looking over the borrower's shoulder, making judgements about borrower's spending!

OP, the borrower lent the money with an agreement and isn't sticking to his end of the deal. If I were the lender, I'd ask the borrower to sign a promisary note, agreeing to pay $100 per month (due on X date each month) until the loan is paid off. Hopefully, the borrower would treat the debt seriously and the lender could relax about the borrower's spending and get his/her money paid back.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 03:32 PM
As some people have mentioned, the guy really needs to talk with the groom -- the groom may not want a lavish bachelor party (my brother is going camping with his friends, so all they need to pay for is beer and burgers). In truth, everybody in the wedding party may be strapped for cash right now -- it may make things easier for everybody to rethink things somewhat and figure out the priorities. When we got married, we actually helped with travel expenses for some members of the bridal party, and paid for 2 tux rentals.


This groom apparently demands dinner, drinks, a concert and strippers. From what I know of this guy, he is a real "must be the center of attention at all times" sort of person. I should add that the lender (being a woman) is fairly disgusted that the borrower has the money to spend on strippers but not on paying her back.

All of this stuff is a reason I remind myself I am glad I'm not married. :rotfl: And if I ever get married, it will be at the courthouse and drama free. :thumbsup2

robinb
07-30-2009, 03:41 PM
I am going to suggest that he provide labor for the wedding instead of a gift. He can clean up, return the grooms tux, bring the gifts to wherever or any one of a number of other things. I'm pretty sure neither of these people have thought of that.Sorry, that is not a wedding gift.

As we hear more and more of this, I'm getting the feeling that you are lender. Am I right?

wdwfan16
07-30-2009, 03:49 PM
This groom apparently demands dinner, drinks, a concert and strippers. From what I know of this guy, he is a real "must be the center of attention at all times" sort of person. I should add that the lender (being a woman) is fairly disgusted that the borrower has the money to spend on strippers but not on paying her back.

All of this stuff is a reason I remind myself I am glad I'm not married. :rotfl: And if I ever get married, it will be at the courthouse and drama free. :thumbsup2

This is not an obligation for being in a wedding. My DH was in many weddings when we were in our early 20s and he never had to do this a a groomsman.

C.Ann
07-30-2009, 03:50 PM
It would be tough, but I would have to go with Option #1.. Personal financial obligations - and my obligation to deal with them - have to trump everything else.. I would hope my friend would understand that.. As adults, we have to make tough decisions.. If the friend didn't understand and was angry, it's not someone I would consider a true friend..:goodvibes

GoldieSaysMeep
07-30-2009, 03:53 PM
Sorry, that is not a wedding gift.

As we hear more and more of this, I'm getting the feeling that you are lender. Am I right?

No, I am just someone caught in between these two people who is trying to give them some advice since they are both "complaining" (not the best word choice...I guess venting would be a better choice of words?) to me about the other and I care about both of them and want them to reach a resolution.

I figured this would be the best way to get unbiased opinions.

GhostLady
07-30-2009, 03:59 PM
I chose option 2 but my first choice would be for him to talk to the groom and the other guys in the wedding party. The groom might be willing to help him out with the tux etc.. if he's made aware of the situation.

Also, if he talks to the other guys in the wedding party, they might be willing to help him out or cover the entire cost of the bachelor party and other expenses.

I think the groom would also understand if he offers to give a gift late. There might be things that the couple needs that they don't get at the wedding or things they didn't think of until after they've settled into their home so a late gift might even help them out.

To me, the most important thing would be to have my BFF in my wedding. Parties and gifts are just bonuses but not necessary or important.

My BFF did back out of my wedding on short notice. Her dress had already been ordered with a deposit paid (by me). I was paying for 1/2 of all the dresses. I offered to pay for the rest of it but she still didn't participate or attend my wedding. I found someone to take her place but I had to pay extra to change the dress order. The dress that my BFF had ordered cost more than the other dresses because she is a bit of a pooh sized lady. I had to go ahead and pay the extra cost even though the bridesmaid who replaced her didn't need the plus sized dress. My BFF didn't offer to help with the cost of the last minute dress order change. I didn't care about the money at all and this is the first time I have even thought about it since this happened 14 yrs ago. I would have gladly paid any amount that I could just to have her in my wedding.

To this day, almost 14 yrs later, I still get sad when I think about her not being in my wedding. I'm not even married to the groom anymore and my BFF was there beside me when I married my current DH but it still hurts a little that she wasn't there the 1st time. She also still regrets not being there. She has apologized and of course I forgave her but it's just something that both of us will always regret.

redrosesix
07-30-2009, 04:09 PM
Sorry, that is not a wedding gift.

As we hear more and more of this, I'm getting the feeling that you are lender. Am I right?

that's my thought, exactly. The OP seems to have put this guy in a financial straightjacket -- making a larger downpayment on the car (was leasing a car ever considered -- with the rates available now, it's cheaper than buying a used car) and is now demanding that he follow her rules re what to give as a present, how much to participate in the wedding

I just hate it when people start a thread expecting us to tell them we're right -- usually it doesn't work out that way

To the OP: I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here, and the results of the poll obviously aren't what you expected or wanted. I think you need to re-think your own position here -- take some time to think about the answers and go back to your friend and discuss the other options that have been suggested.

And cleaning up after the wedding is NOT a gift.

Took
07-30-2009, 04:51 PM
Sorry, that is not a wedding gift.

As we hear more and more of this, I'm getting the feeling that you are lender. Am I right?

Gosh, I have to disagree. I personally wish I had had a person willing to do more of the little things on my big day! I would have considered that an ample wedding gift!

I also am "with" the lender here although, as C. Ann, said, it IS a tough call. The borrower shouldn't have agreed to the lender's terms if he wanted to have the freedom to do with the money as he chose. As it was, he CHOSE to borrow money. The groom sounds like a bit of a baby, too, if he really EXPECTS people to give him a lavish party (with strippers!). I mean, he may want one, but that's very different.

redrosesix
07-30-2009, 05:38 PM
Gosh, I have to disagree. I personally wish I had had a person willing to do more of the little things on my big day! I would have considered that an ample wedding gift!

I also am "with" the lender here although, as C. Ann, said, it IS a tough call. The borrower shouldn't have agreed to the lender's terms if he wanted to have the freedom to do with the money as he chose. As it was, he CHOSE to borrow money. The groom sounds like a bit of a baby, too, if he really EXPECTS people to give him a lavish party (with strippers!). I mean, he may want one, but that's very different.

Oh, I thought the groom was paying for the strippers. Well, forget that -- time for a mutiny. Times are tough all over, and the friend is probably not the only one in the wedding party having tough times financially.

Where I'm from, the only thing that is given to the bride and groom before the wedding is the showers. Bachelor/bachelorette parties are really pay your own way.

Donnainnj
07-30-2009, 08:52 PM
I am part of a group of 3 BFF and for ones wedding the other was pretty broke so rather then a gift she volunteered to paint their new apartment. While they were on their honeymoon, that is what we did. Probably the most remembered gift they got.
Donna

redrosesix
07-30-2009, 10:16 PM
I am part of a group of 3 BFF and for ones wedding the other was pretty broke so rather then a gift she volunteered to paint their new apartment. While they were on their honeymoon, that is what we did. Probably the most remembered gift they got.
Donna

Now that is a great gift. :thumbsup2

kaytieeldr
07-31-2009, 02:31 AM
3. Pay your loan back over time and expect that person to be okay with your spending at least $300 on unneccesary stuff (being in someone's wedding party = a want, not a necessity) while they wait for you to pay them back.I chose this.

Now that the loan has been given (and spent), they should do what they should have done originally - set up a repayment schedule. In the short run, that's obviously going to put much more of a strain on the borrower than just getting the original car loan for the full $5,000:

At 10%, a $4,500 loan over 36 monthly payments are $145.20 per month. $5,000 monthly payments are $161.34 for the same period. That's a difference of $16.14, or $581.04 over the life of the loan.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 07:20 AM
that's my thought, exactly. The OP seems to have put this guy in a financial straightjacket -- making a larger downpayment on the car (was leasing a car ever considered -- with the rates available now, it's cheaper than buying a used car) and is now demanding that he follow her rules re what to give as a present, how much to participate in the wedding

I just hate it when people start a thread expecting us to tell them we're right -- usually it doesn't work out that way

To the OP: I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here, and the results of the poll obviously aren't what you expected or wanted. I think you need to re-think your own position here -- take some time to think about the answers and go back to your friend and discuss the other options that have been suggested.

And cleaning up after the wedding is NOT a gift.


1. I am not the lender. I am a friend of both the lender and the borrower. Better friend of the borrower but I think the lender is probably the best thing to have ever come into his life.

2. I had no set expectations. I set this thread up to get some advice to pass along to try and help these two make peace.

More detail...they are a normally happy couple and *she* has mentioned ending their relationship because of this. They apparently had some weekend plans to celebrate her 30th birthday and he was apparently willing to cancel those plans instead of skip out on the bachelor party.

I think that is probably why she's mad, not so much the money. That he had to take a loan from her, and now only has enough left to do the bachelor party or her bday and he's choosing the bachelor party. :confused3 Makes sense to me, I'd probably be mad too. (Though I'd probably also never loan someone $500 and expect to ever see it again...)

I agree with her, it appears that he's putting more importance on hanging out with strippers and partying with his guys than on paying his gf back in a timely manner and celebrating with her.

But then, I am not a wedding girl. I don't like going to them, being in them, and I certainly never want to have one (as I think they take the focus off the actual marriage too much these days). So I can't really quite wrap my mind around why it's such a big deal to skip the bachelor party. I've never really "gotten" the concept of bachelor/ette parties anyway.

I talked to him last night and apparently all she wants him to do is skip 1/2 the bachelor party (the strippers and booze part--I guess the guys are going to a nice dinner first) and use the $100 or so he'd save from that to start paying her back as well as have some sort of toned down version of her bday weekend plans. He thinks she's being unreasonable and controlling. She thinks that he's being childish and irresponsible.

I think I'm starting to not care what happens with them anymore :rotfl: but seriously, I was just hoping for some advice and planning to show them the OP and the poll results.

mjkacmom
07-31-2009, 08:07 AM
1. I am not the lender. I am a friend of both the lender and the borrower. Better friend of the borrower but I think the lender is probably the best thing to have ever come into his life.

2. I had no set expectations. I set this thread up to get some advice to pass along to try and help these two make peace.

More detail...they are a normally happy couple and *she* has mentioned ending their relationship because of this. They apparently had some weekend plans to celebrate her 30th birthday and he was apparently willing to cancel those plans instead of skip out on the bachelor party.

I think that is probably why she's mad, not so much the money. That he had to take a loan from her, and now only has enough left to do the bachelor party or her bday and he's choosing the bachelor party. :confused3 Makes sense to me, I'd probably be mad too. (Though I'd probably also never loan someone $500 and expect to ever see it again...)

I agree with her, it appears that he's putting more importance on hanging out with strippers and partying with his guys than on paying his gf back in a timely manner and celebrating with her.

But then, I am not a wedding girl. I don't like going to them, being in them, and I certainly never want to have one (as I think they take the focus off the actual marriage too much these days). So I can't really quite wrap my mind around why it's such a big deal to skip the bachelor party. I've never really "gotten" the concept of bachelor/ette parties anyway.

I talked to him last night and apparently all she wants him to do is skip 1/2 the bachelor party (the strippers and booze part--I guess the guys are going to a nice dinner first) and use the $100 or so he'd save from that to start paying her back as well as have some sort of toned down version of her bday weekend plans. He thinks she's being unreasonable and controlling. She thinks that he's being childish and irresponsible.

I think I'm starting to not care what happens with them anymore :rotfl: but seriously, I was just hoping for some advice and planning to show them the OP and the poll results.

This is his girlfriend?! He needs to run from this one. She lent him money, and now is using it to control what he does?! I've been married to DH for 14 years, and we've been together for 20, and I can't imagine whipping him like this. We're now in our 40's, but I can't imagine the humiliation he would've gone through, especially as best man, telling his buddies he couldn't go to the bachelor party, because his girlfriend said no. Yes, they are totally idiotic, but it's what they do. My DH's party was 2 DAYS long (one night in NYC, the next day at a local GoGo bar), and when his best man told me I could pick him up, and that he was really drunk, I told him he could hold on to him until the next day. This has nothing to do about money - it's about her controlling him.

BeenHereB4
07-31-2009, 08:24 AM
This is his girlfriend?! He needs to run from this one. She lent him money, and now is using it to control what he does?! I've been married to DH for 14 years, and we've been together for 20, and I can't imagine whipping him like this. We're now in our 40's, but I can't imagine the humiliation he would've gone through, especially as best man, telling his buddies he couldn't go to the bachelor party, because his girlfriend said no. Yes, they are totally idiotic, but it's what they do. My DH's party was 2 DAYS long (one night in NYC, the next day at a local GoGo bar), and when his best man told me I could pick him up, and that he was really drunk, I told him he could hold on to him until the next day. This has nothing to do about money - it's about her controlling him.

So funny, cuz I'm thinking she needs to run from HIM. He is irresponsible and immature from what I've read here. She's probably trying to get him to man-up and it doesn't seem to be happening. I was married to someone like this - it doesn't get any better.

FTR, I don't think money should ever be lent in a bf/gf relationship.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 08:37 AM
So funny, cuz I'm thinking she needs to run from HIM. He is irresponsible and immature from what I've read here. She's probably trying to get him to man-up and it doesn't seem to be happening. I was married to someone like this - it doesn't get any better.

FTR, I don't think money should ever be lent in a bf/gf relationship.

I agree and he's my friend. (he already knows that i agree w/ her)

I fail to see how she is being controlling. I know her pretty well too, and she is a good person, who gave someone she cared about a loan when they were "desperate" and now he'd rather party than pay her back.

That speaks volumes. I'd dump a guy like that in a heartbeat because I think sometimes, unless you are filthy rich, you have to make tough choices in life as to what you want to spend your money on.

mjkacmom
07-31-2009, 08:46 AM
I agree and he's my friend. (he already knows that i agree w/ her)

I fail to see how she is being controlling. I know her pretty well too, and she is a good person, who gave someone she cared about a loan when they were "desperate" and now he'd rather party than pay her back.

That speaks volumes. I'd dump a guy like that in a heartbeat because I think sometimes, unless you are filthy rich, you have to make tough choices in life as to what you want to spend your money on.

I'm sorry, but I can't imagine telling someone I care about that he had to drop out of a wedding, 6 weeks before, in order to pay me back. I hope she does have something in writing, because this relationship is not going to last. If he's so irresponsible financially, why did she lend him the money? She does not like the idea of the bachelor party (which, around here, all the attendees pay for). I was totally on the fence of having him skip it, until the fact that his girlfriend was the one who was forbidding it.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 08:58 AM
I'm sorry, but I can't imagine telling someone I care about that he had to drop out of a wedding, 6 weeks before, in order to pay me back. I hope she does have something in writing, because this relationship is not going to last. If he's so irresponsible financially, why did she lend him the money? She does not like the idea of the bachelor party (which, around here, all the attendees pay for). I was totally on the fence of having him skip it, until the fact that his girlfriend was the one who was forbidding it.

From what he told me last night, she tried to compromise with him and figured that with the $100 he'd save not going to second half of the bp, he could start paying her back and still have some money for their own plans.

I can only imagine that she loaned him the money because she loves him and didn't want him to be without a car? :confused3

I get the impression at least that she doesn't give a hoot about the bachelor party. I asked him if she cared before this and he said she didn't. I think she'd feel the same way if he was going on a family vacation or something too. I think it's more the principal that he's not only not paying her back when he said he'd start but is also canceling their own plans to just do what he wants to do.

I agree, they aren't going to last and I am going to suggest they both put their agreement on a payback schedule in writing and then tell them both to stop talking to me about it. :thumbsup2

EthansMom
07-31-2009, 08:59 AM
This is a relationship doomed to failure. He has actually had the bachelor party plans for quite some time and, insomuch as he's part of the wedding party, he's expected to attend the bachelor party. It sounds like her main problem isn't the money as much as the fact that he's spending her birthday with strippers.

Honestly, there's no reason they can't compromise. He could set a reasonable budget for the bachelor party (that includes money for the drinking/strippers but not as much as he might have otherwise planned... no lap dance, for instance). And then he could use the $30 or so that he saved from the bachelor party to take her to an inexpensive dinner and watch a movie at home or something.

Regarding the money repayment, they REALLY need to set up a repayment schedule so that they can separate the money he spends from the money he owes her. Repaying $25 a week should be reasonable.

BTW, I was engaged to a guy in college who was like this.... didn't have 2 pennies to rub together but that he'd go spend them on something completely unnecessary (getting a $500 paint job on his crappy car when he didn't have money for rent). I am sooooo glad that I figured out things weren't going to work out before we were married.

Most $penders put themselves in situations that make it difficult for them to achieve financial security... They make a series of decisions that just make getting ahead an uphill battle. Some moves I've seen friends make: leasing a car for the same payments as owning because the dealer threw in a cd player if the buyer leased; not being able to "afford" life insurance or disability insurance but buying a HUGE McMansion; and not having enough money for a reliable car, but spending money on things like name-brand diapers and fast food.

Skatermom23
07-31-2009, 09:23 AM
1. I am not the lender. I am a friend of both the lender and the borrower. Better friend of the borrower but I think the lender is probably the best thing to have ever come into his life.

2. I had no set expectations. I set this thread up to get some advice to pass along to try and help these two make peace.

More detail...they are a normally happy couple and *she* has mentioned ending their relationship because of this. They apparently had some weekend plans to celebrate her 30th birthday and he was apparently willing to cancel those plans instead of skip out on the bachelor party.

I think that is probably why she's mad, not so much the money. That he had to take a loan from her, and now only has enough left to do the bachelor party or her bday and he's choosing the bachelor party. :confused3 Makes sense to me, I'd probably be mad too. (Though I'd probably also never loan someone $500 and expect to ever see it again...)

I agree with her, it appears that he's putting more importance on hanging out with strippers and partying with his guys than on paying his gf back in a timely manner and celebrating with her.

But then, I am not a wedding girl. I don't like going to them, being in them, and I certainly never want to have one (as I think they take the focus off the actual marriage too much these days). So I can't really quite wrap my mind around why it's such a big deal to skip the bachelor party. I've never really "gotten" the concept of bachelor/ette parties anyway.

I talked to him last night and apparently all she wants him to do is skip 1/2 the bachelor party (the strippers and booze part--I guess the guys are going to a nice dinner first) and use the $100 or so he'd save from that to start paying her back as well as have some sort of toned down version of her bday weekend plans. He thinks she's being unreasonable and controlling. She thinks that he's being childish and irresponsible.

I think I'm starting to not care what happens with them anymore :rotfl: but seriously, I was just hoping for some advice and planning to show them the OP and the poll results.

Sounds like she is worried about what will happen at this party. I think it is unfair of her to try to control his actions. She loaned him the money with the stipulation that he cut back on the wedding costs. He probably agreed to this initially until he saw how controlling she was trying to be. Now he is going back on his word. They both need to run far away from each other.

mjkacmom
07-31-2009, 09:24 AM
I think it's more the principal that he's not only not paying her back when he said he'd start but is also canceling their own plans to just do what he wants to do.

I agree, they aren't going to last and I am going to suggest they both put their agreement on a payback schedule in writing and then tell them both to stop talking to me about it. :thumbsup2

I'm thinking the bachelor party was scheduled on her birthday, and maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if it happened on another day. Back in the day, I did think my birthday was important, to be celebrated on the actual day (now I could care less). I also asked DH not to attend a bachelor party - it was a golfing weekend in Myrtle Beach, and would've cost $800 - I was not working, we had a new baby, and just didn't have the money. I still regret not "letting" him go. It was his last friend to get married, the last guys weekend. I'm sorry you are in the middle!

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 10:19 AM
These guys hang out together every week. The groom has been living with the fiance and has two kids with her and this hasn't changed. I just got an email from the girl (the lender) and she thanked me for "trying to help" but informed me she is breaking up with him so I guess it's kind of a moot point.

I think her decison to end things is probably for the best. I still agree with her and think it's sad that my other friend is throwing away a good relationship with someone willing to help him get his finances in order to hang out with strippers. This girl has seemingly (who knows what goes on behind closed doors) turned his life around for the better. I've never seen him as happy as he's been. But that's his deal.

I'll give suggestions for how to work out their money issues, not their personal issues.

I hope he finds a girl who just accepts how he is and doesn't want a serious guy and I hope she finds a guy who has his life together and wants a serious girl.

On the plus side, I"m glad they were together long enough for me to befriend her. I told her I'd go out for drinks with her on her bday. :goodvibes

Thanks all for your input on this saga. Don't you just love it when you get dragged into your friends drama? :sad2: NOT!

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 10:26 AM
I'm thinking the bachelor party was scheduled on her birthday, and maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if it happened on another day. Back in the day, I did think my birthday was important, to be celebrated on the actual day (now I could care less). I also asked DH not to attend a bachelor party - it was a golfing weekend in Myrtle Beach, and would've cost $800 - I was not working, we had a new baby, and just didn't have the money. I still regret not "letting" him go. It was his last friend to get married, the last guys weekend. I'm sorry you are in the middle!


I don't know when the respective parties were scheduled. I will be honest though, if my bf wanted to go get a lap dance on a milestone bday of mine instead of being with me, I'd kick his butt to the curb, stat. I don't think they are actually for the same day but I'd have to check. I do know he said he only had enough $$ to do one or the other and originally he'd promised to take her away for the weekend. He cancelled those plans.

$800!?!? I had a friend once ask me to go on a $250 overnight for her bachelorette and I said no. I can't imagine spending that much $$$ on someone's party unless it was my SO, parents, or child.

mjkacmom
07-31-2009, 11:23 AM
I don't know when the respective parties were scheduled. I will be honest though, if my bf wanted to go get a lap dance on a milestone bday of mine instead of being with me, I'd kick his butt to the curb, stat. I don't think they are actually for the same day but I'd have to check. I do know he said he only had enough $$ to do one or the other and originally he'd promised to take her away for the weekend. He cancelled those plans.

$800!?!? I had a friend once ask me to go on a $250 overnight for her bachelorette and I said no. I can't imagine spending that much $$$ on someone's party unless it was my SO, parents, or child.

She was willing to let him take her away for the weekend, but not willing to let him spend the money on the bachelor party? I don't think this is about money. For guys, the bachelor party is like their shower - I think a bride would be annoyed if her maid of honor didn't show up, because she was going away for the weekend with her bf. It's like this bizzare rite of passage, which the best man arranges (although I don't agree he should pay for it - when we're talking strippers, everyone should pay his way). When our friends started getting married, we were in such a strong relationship, that I would never think to ask him to miss his close friends' bachelor parties (they're a tight group - friends since elementary school).

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 11:55 AM
She was willing to let him take her away for the weekend, but not willing to let him spend the money on the bachelor party? I don't think this is about money. For guys, the bachelor party is like their shower - I think a bride would be annoyed if her maid of honor didn't show up, because she was going away for the weekend with her bf. It's like this bizzare rite of passage, which the best man arranges (although I don't agree he should pay for it - when we're talking strippers, everyone should pay his way). When our friends started getting married, we were in such a strong relationship, that I would never think to ask him to miss his close friends' bachelor parties (they're a tight group - friends since elementary school).

I wouldn't be annoyed if they had their trip planned first or if it was a special occasion. But that's just me.

After talking to HER a little more, I asked her flat out if she was po'd because of the strippers. She said no. She said she's mad because since her bf's car died, she stepped up and helped him out and was proud of him (and told him so) that he told her he would cancel something he had planned for the month coming up to start paying her back sooner.

Then he told her it was her bday plans he was cancelling. So she steps up, loans him the cash, and he's not even willing to forgo 1/2 a bachelor party for a guy he sees 2 times a week anyway, to keep his plans with her.

These people by the way have been together for 2 years. This is not just a fleeting romance.

I think she's doing the right thing. My friend (the guy) is a good friend, but not a very good serious bf. :confused3

MiniGirl
07-31-2009, 12:18 PM
I know you said they are breaking up, but it makes me wonder.....

She was okay with him going to the bachelor party dinner and wanted him to use the money he would spend on the extras to start paying her back. Would she be equally okay if he went to the after dinner part of the party and skipped the dinner part and used that money to start paying him back? If she is, then fine. I'd say she does simply want her money back. If she isn't, I'd say she is trying to use her loan as a way to control what he does. Which I would consider a bad sign.

Like you said though, it doesn't really matter anymore. She does need to set up a repayment schedule with him though.

It also sounds like they both have a bit of growing up to do. My dh has missed several of my birthdays (or other occassions that were important to me) for a variety of reasons. Some things we just need to let go. Also, I bring very little money into our home, but thankfully, he does not use that fact to control me and my actions.

GoldieSaysMeep
07-31-2009, 01:35 PM
I asked her (email) and she said she doesn't care which 1/2 he skipped but suggested the second half because at least 3 other members of the groomsmen party (including the actual best man) will be leaving as well. The actual best man is underage and the acting best man (the one who set up the reservation for dinner etc.) is gay and his partner is also in the wedding party. She said she figured it would just be less difficult or awkward because he could leave with those guys.

GhostLady
07-31-2009, 04:21 PM
I still have to agree with him on this one. I think he should attend the bachelor party no matter what.

You said that you wouldn't mind if a friend missed your party/shower if she had prior plans with her BF or if it were a special occasion but to me the bachelor party IS the special occasion.

For most people, a bachelor/bachelorette party/shower only happens once in a lifetime. A birthday happens every year and can be celebrated on a different day. The bachelor party needs to be scheduled around the wedding date and several people when the b-day dinner would only be for the 2 of them.

As for him choosing to spend the money on the party instead of her b-day, I can understand that too. He probably doesn't have a choice where the bachelor party is held or how much it costs since other people are involved in that but he does have a choice in where or how much money he spends for her b-day. He could still give her a great b-day without spending a lot of money.

For my last b-day, DH cooked me a candlelight dinner at home and rented a movie. He probably spent less than $10.00 total and it was the best b-day I have ever spent with him. I would have never chosen an expensive dinner out over that. It was just the 2 of us and he went to a lot of trouble to cook and set the table, etc.. It was also 2 weeks after my actual b-day and it didn't bother me at all. In fact, it was better because I wasn't expecting anything so it was a great surprise.

angwill
07-31-2009, 04:21 PM
Sounds like this girl has a good head on her shoulders and glad she is of strong enough character to say goodbye after 2 years to a relationship that sounds like it is going nowhere. Sadly, I bet she is also saying goodbye to her money too. Glad you both gained good friends out of the deal a good friend is worth more than all the money in the world.

Adi12982
07-31-2009, 04:44 PM
I picked 2, but what I would do is talk to the BFF having the wedding and let them know the situation, maybe they can alleviate some of the costs. I know the people I picked to be in my wedding and if one of them had financial hardship, I would have gladly paid for the dress or tux, etc.

sk!mom
07-31-2009, 05:01 PM
This is his girlfriend?! He needs to run from this one. She lent him money, and now is using it to control what he does?! I've been married to DH for 14 years, and we've been together for 20, and I can't imagine whipping him like this. We're now in our 40's, but I can't imagine the humiliation he would've gone through, especially as best man, telling his buddies he couldn't go to the bachelor party, because his girlfriend said no. Yes, they are totally idiotic, but it's what they do. My DH's party was 2 DAYS long (one night in NYC, the next day at a local GoGo bar), and when his best man told me I could pick him up, and that he was really drunk, I told him he could hold on to him until the next day. This has nothing to do about money - it's about her controlling him.

ITA...Also in our 40's, we have been married 29 years.

This situation illustrates why I would do anything to avoid borrowing money from a friend. She is totally holding the money over him to control him. If he's wise, he'll pay her back asap and then run!

As far as him missing her BD for the bachelor party, a BD can be celebrated any day and comes along every year. She needs to grow up.

robinb
07-31-2009, 05:43 PM
ITA...Also in our 40's, we have been married 29 years.

This situation illustrates why I would do anything to avoid borrowing money from a friend. She is totally holding the money over him to control him. If he's wise, he'll pay her back asap and then run!

As far as him missing her BD for the bachelor party, a BD can be celebrated any day and comes along every year. She needs to grow up.Yup. I agree with both of you. I mentioned a few pages back that I thought that the lender had overstepped her bounds by even looking though the borrower's finances. Now that I find out that the lender is the borrower's (soon to be ex) girlfriend, it makes it even worse. She is clearly trying to control him with the loan and it's not working.

On one hand I sympathize with her that he is choosing his BFF's bachelor party (complete with booze and strippers! The horror!) over her 30th birthday. I would be honked off too. On the other hand, he is an adult and can make his own (poor) decisions without the threat of his allowance being taken away.

kaytieeldr
07-31-2009, 06:10 PM
I fail to see how she is being controlling. I know her pretty well too, and she is a good person, who gave someone she cared about a loan when they were "desperate" and now he'd rather party than pay her back. Y'know, I don't see it as "he'd rather party than...". This isn't your typical partying. It's not as if he's going out three or four nights a week with the guys and getting wasted.

He made a commitment to the groom, probably long before his car died and needed to be replaced.
Part of being in this wedding party involves certain obligations of which he was aware either at the beginning or as plans were made.
It's pretty 'interesting' that, it appears, she would not be demanding he cut back on what she considers frivolous expenditures if he was spending his money on her instead of on the wedding.

Again, by not borrowing the money he could be paying the bank only $16 and change more per month than he is (yes, I realize I made assumptions about the loan - I calculated it at 10% for three years). Sure, that would have ultimately cost him $81+ over the thirty-six months over what he instead has to pay back in what seems to be a very brief period, but then there'd be no friction.

I still agree with her and think it's sad that my other friend is throwing away a good relationship with someone willing to help him get his finances in order to hang out with strippers. It sounds like this was the plan for the bachelor party all along? It doesn't appear he hangs out with strippers on a regular basis. I agree with whoever said it sounds like the person with the money is being overly controlling. Now it's not just about the money, it's expanded into with whom he spends time - even though the bachelor party is a one-shot deal.

I don't know when the respective parties were scheduled. I will be honest though, if my bf wanted to go get a lap dance on a milestone bday of mine instead of being with me, I'd kick his butt to the curb, stat.Nope. First things first. You don't have a timeline, apparently, but given all the planning involved in a wedding combined with you being happy the couple was together long enough for you to become friends with the GF - sounds like, most likely, the wedding festivities were planned before they even started dating.

After talking to HER a little more, I asked her flat out if she was po'd because of the strippers. She said no. She said she's mad because since her bf's car died, she stepped up and helped him out and was proud of him (and told him so) that he told her he would cancel something he had planned for the month coming up to start paying her back sooner.

Then he told her it was her bday plans he was cancelling. So she steps up, loans him the cash, and he's not even willing to forgo 1/2 a bachelor party for a guy he sees 2 times a week anyway, to keep his plans with her. It's too bad, but she made an assumption. He could have been more transparent, sure, but she should have confirmed exactly what he would be cancelling.

Chris
07-31-2009, 09:23 PM
option 2 is what I'd go with

redrosesix
07-31-2009, 11:08 PM
Y'know, I don't see it as "he'd rather party than...". This isn't your typical partying. It's not as if he's going out three or four nights a week with the guys and getting wasted.

He made a commitment to the groom, probably long before his car died and needed to be replaced.
Part of being in this wedding party involves certain obligations of which he was aware either at the beginning or as plans were made.
It's pretty 'interesting' that, it appears, she would not be demanding he cut back on what she considers frivolous expenditures if he was spending his money on her instead of on the wedding.

Again, by not borrowing the money he could be paying the bank only $16 and change more per month than he is (yes, I realize I made assumptions about the loan - I calculated it at 10% for three years). Sure, that would have ultimately cost him $81+ over the thirty-six months over what he instead has to pay back in what seems to be a very brief period, but then there'd be no friction.

It sounds like this was the plan for the bachelor party all along? It doesn't appear he hangs out with strippers on a regular basis. I agree with whoever said it sounds like the person with the money is being overly controlling. Now it's not just about the money, it's expanded into with whom he spends time - even though the bachelor party is a one-shot deal.

Nope. First things first. You don't have a timeline, apparently, but given all the planning involved in a wedding combined with you being happy the couple was together long enough for you to become friends with the GF - sounds like, most likely, the wedding festivities were planned before they even started dating.

It's too bad, but she made an assumption. He could have been more transparent, sure, but she should have confirmed exactly what he would be cancelling.

ITA! When I read that she was upset because he was no longer taking her on a trip for her 30th birthday, it was absolutely clear it was not just about her needing the money back.

I think on my (actual) 30th birthday, I worked all day, had a job interview in the evening, and my DH was actually away at the time working. That's real life.

shortbun
08-01-2009, 04:43 AM
My husband worked on my 30th birthday and showed up at midnight with a bottle of champagne. I was asleep and could not have cared less. This woman is all about controlling her boyfriend/ex boyfriend. When she learned that the bachelor party was on her birthday, her response should have been 'great darlin' so I guess we'll need to pick another time to celebrate my birthday.' These two don't have what it takes for a long haul marriage; it's good that they are calling it quits. She needs to smile, say 'it was great while it lasted' and tell him he can make a monthly payment-through the mail.

Inigo
08-02-2009, 01:14 PM
All I've got to say is I would be ticked if my boyfriend or DH went to a stripper club while we're in a relationship, especially if he was hurting for money. I guess I'm just weird, but I think stripper bars and lapdances are extremely trashy. Lapdances are stimulated sex, and to me seem like cheating in a relationship.

We have a biker rally near here every year. A lot of the women who attend think nothing of flashing their breasts. If I were a guy, I'd break up with a woman who would do that. It's no different than the trashy people who expose themselves at Mardi Gras.

Took
08-02-2009, 07:23 PM
Yup. I agree with both of you. I mentioned a few pages back that I thought that the lender had overstepped her bounds by even looking though the borrower's finances. Now that I find out that the lender is the borrower's (soon to be ex) girlfriend, it makes it even worse. She is clearly trying to control him with the loan and it's not working.

On one hand I sympathize with her that he is choosing his BFF's bachelor party (complete with booze and strippers! The horror!) over her 30th birthday. I would be honked off too. On the other hand, he is an adult and can make his own (poor) decisions without the threat of his allowance being taken away.

Adults shouldn't need an "allowance." His mistake was in borrowing money to begin with. But, that said, I think someone else noted that he should pay the money back asap (borrow from a differnt friend or family member?) and put the "control freak" out of his life. Then, he can act as (irresponsibly as?) he seems to want to. It does seem he and the lender don't share the same priorities, no matter which one is right/wrong in this instance.

I have to confess that I really, really don't get the whole bachelor/bachelorette party. I've never attended one and never had one (maybe my friends and I are just dull, lol).

GoldieSaysMeep
08-04-2009, 05:53 PM
my own BF & I got engaged this weekend. :)

Just felt like sharing.

I'll make it "post relevant" by adding that we were talking about our own future wedding/bachelor/ette parties and he told me is he doesn't want strippers because, and I quote, "they're skanky and probably diseased and I don't want them near me" :rotfl2:

I told him that was fine because I think male strippers are kind of awkward/usually gay. :confused3

I guess we're just boring people. :lmao:

We are probably going to have a quick, cheap ceremony and then use the money for an awesome honeymoon. He wants to finally go to WDW! :thumbsup2

semo233
08-04-2009, 05:57 PM
my own BF & I got engaged this weekend. :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!:bride:

It's always nice to share great news!

robinb
08-04-2009, 06:00 PM
my own BF & I got engaged this weekend. :)

Just felt like sharing.

Congratulations! Wedded bliss can be just as good as shacking up!

GoldieSaysMeep
08-05-2009, 07:18 AM
Congratulations! Wedded bliss can be just as good as shacking up!

Thanks. Yeah, there's no way in heck I was moving in with him before we're married. Luckily, he agrees. :goodvibes

kaytieeldr
08-05-2009, 07:30 AM
my own BF & I got engaged this weekend.

Just felt like sharing. Congratulations! But, this deserves its OWN thread :teeth:

GoldieSaysMeep
08-05-2009, 07:37 AM
We have a biker rally near here every year. A lot of the women who attend think nothing of flashing their breasts. If I were a guy, I'd break up with a woman who would do that. It's no different than the trashy people who expose themselves at Mardi Gras.

It's interesting that you posted that because my fiance has told me in the past that he would not be able to stay with me if I ever did something like that. He does not like, as he puts it, (banned word but think "women of ill repute". And that's what he thinks of strippers, and women who flash or dress like hookers. (His favorite outfit of mine is actually an evening gown that shows no cleavage and goes to my ankles :confused3. He says it looks "elegant")

I guess we're just weird people.:confused3 Don't get me wrong, fiance is a normal man. He likes naked women as much as the next guy when it's done in private. He just doesn't think very highly of women who choose to flaunt themselves in public.