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PigletsMommy
06-22-2009, 12:52 PM
I just got an invitation to a 'wedding' in the mail for July and I'm having a some issues for it. Its a friend of the family thru DH's side.

The couple is already married. They have lived together for well over a year and had a baby last December. They eloped almost 4 months ago about 2 seconds after his divorce was final. Yes that means they were living together & had a baby while he was still married to someone else.

I am trying not to be judgemental but the biggest problem that I have is included in the invitation is a note to where the couple is registered at. I could understand if this were a vow-renewal or even just a reception to celebrate, but to be calling it a wedding and asking for gifts is a little much for me. Maybe I'm being a little old fashioned but this just seems crazy to me.

I guess I should also mention that DH is DJ-ing for them at an extremely reduced rate. His offer was free but they said they will pay him, we still dont know exactly how much. So I dont know if we should be getting them gifts since he is doing this...and I'm also having some moral issues with their decisions.

msmayor
06-22-2009, 12:56 PM
Simple solution: even if they offer your DH money to DJ, have him refuse to accept it and tell them that his DJ services are their gift from you both as they celebrate.

In my opinion, that's all that's necessary.

kimsuenew
06-22-2009, 01:04 PM
I just got an invitation to a 'wedding' in the mail for July and I'm having a some issues for it. Its a friend of the family thru DH's side.

The couple is already married. They have lived together for well over a year and had a baby last December. They eloped almost 4 months ago about 2 seconds after his divorce was final. Yes that means they were living together & had a baby while he was still married to someone else.

I am trying not to be judgemental but the biggest problem that I have is included in the invitation is a note to where the couple is registered at. I could understand if this were a vow-renewal or even just a reception to celebrate, but to be calling it a wedding and asking for gifts is a little much for me. Maybe I'm being a little old fashioned but this just seems crazy to me.

I guess I should also mention that DH is DJ-ing for them at an extremely reduced rate. His offer was free but they said they will pay him, we still dont know exactly how much. So I dont know if we should be getting them gifts since he is doing this...and I'm also having some moral issues with their decisions.

Hi! I must say, in this situation, I would RSVP "our regrets" and send a nice card (but would not buy a gift), but as your DH is their DJ not going is not an option for you. Personally, even if I chose to ignore the fact that they began a life together while he was someone else's husband, :scared1: I could not forget the fact they are already legally married and have been for several months! :rotfl: Gees, IMHO a "wedding" 4 months after you were married just sort of screams 'We want gifts"! I figure your husbands freebie, or reduced rate DJ gift, (which I seriously doubt they will pay him but perhaps they will) can suffice as the gift! Again, I would buy a lovely card and be done! Good luck! :goodvibes

michellejed
06-22-2009, 01:08 PM
They are having a celebration of their marriage and a gift is always nice but not necessary.

Even if you don't agree with the life style, would a small gift be too much to give?

If it was me I would bring a token gift and have a good time helping them celebrate a new chapter in their lives.

spare+a_pair
06-22-2009, 01:19 PM
If you are going to attend, I would buys something small - not nessesarily on thier register. Perhaps a candle or picture frame - something in the $10 - $20 range? If they have been living together, then they obviously have all of the neccesities anyway, so some "token" gift - that you get super cheap on clearance :rotfl: - would be more than adequate. :lmao:

Bren's Mom
06-22-2009, 01:24 PM
If your dh is going to be their DJ I think that makes things simpler for you. RSVP 'no' for you...since dh will be busy all night DJ'ing and you're not inclined to celebrate this 'wedding' much. And consider dh's DJ'ing at a reduced rate their 'gift'. You don't owe them anything else. :goodvibes

i3utterfli82
06-22-2009, 01:29 PM
Yes I would. Call it a wedding, celebration, whatever- they are hosting an event which you have been invited to and a gift would be the polite thing to do. It is pretty common to have those registries with the invitation so I don't know why this would be any different.

Let their past go too.

Bren's Mom
06-22-2009, 01:31 PM
. It is pretty common to have those registries with the invitation so I don't know why this would be any different.



It might be 'common' where you are but it's a total etiquette no-no in a wedding invitation. A shower invite, wedding or baby, yes...but a wedding invite itself...NO WAY.

Smile4Me
06-22-2009, 01:37 PM
I would refuse payment and definitely offer your DH's djing as the gift. Write it in a card with your congratulations and leave it at that. If they try to pay him, ask him to politely refuse. If that won't work, get a nice frame or photo album that says Family or something like that at your local craft store, Target, or Walmart and be done!

i3utterfli82
06-22-2009, 01:37 PM
It might be 'common' where you are but it's a total etiquette no-no in a wedding invitation. A shower invite, wedding or baby, yes...but a wedding invite itself...NO WAY.

Obviously this isn't a huge formal affair...

To the OP, if you are struggling so much with the gift, I would suggest you just not go. As suggested above, have your husband give his DJing services as the "gift".

PrincessDreams2
06-22-2009, 01:54 PM
Simple solution: even if they offer your DH money to DJ, have him refuse to accept it and tell them that his DJ services are their gift from you both as they celebrate.

In my opinion, that's all that's necessary.


I agree with this poster. Just let the other stuff go.

pixiewings71
06-22-2009, 02:29 PM
It might be 'common' where you are but it's a total etiquette no-no in a wedding invitation. A shower invite, wedding or baby, yes...but a wedding invite itself...NO WAY.

When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.

OP I would suggest you don't let your opinions of the "moral choices" influence you here. So what if they are already married? They are now having a celebration and including friends & family. I do think you should consider going and buying a small gift. It doesn't have to be anything from the registry but something small would be fine, candle sticks, a nice frame, some wine glasses....anything like that would be fine. If you really don't want to do it, then just give a card and refuse payment for your DH's gift of DJing for their celebration. :) good luck with what you decide, and to answer your original question, yes I would buy them a gift.

pixie921
06-22-2009, 02:35 PM
When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.


Proper etiquette is to send wedding invitations without registry information. An invitation is meant to ask friends and loved ones to share an important event -- not to grab for gifts, which is exactly what including registry information looks like. If guests would like to bring a gift (and of course 99%+ do), they ask family members or other friends where the couple is registered. They can then decide whether to give a gift from the registry or give a gift of cash.

bootleg89
06-22-2009, 02:41 PM
When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.

OP I would suggest you don't let your opinions of the "moral choices" influence you here. So what if they are already married? They are now having a celebration and including friends & family. I do think you should consider going and buying a small gift. It doesn't have to be anything from the registry but something small would be fine, candle sticks, a nice frame, some wine glasses....anything like that would be fine. If you really don't want to do it, then just give a card and refuse payment for your DH's gift of DJing for their celebration. :) good luck with what you decide, and to answer your original question, yes I would buy them a gift.

You include registry information with the invite to the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. Wedding invites never include them. People are free to give you items from your registries from the other 2 parties, but most (including self) find it tacky. It's much easier for bride and groom to leave with a handful of cahs and envelopes then with physical gifts the day of their wedding.

As for topic, I agree with Smile4Me. Give them a card and write something along the lines of hope you had a wonderful time at party and enjoyed the selection of music Dh had to offer. Hope it made night that much more special to you. Make that your gift, and if u feel u still need to give a gift, give a picture frame with Family or Wedding and that's it.
Good luck with that.

prncess674
06-22-2009, 02:45 PM
It might be 'common' where you are but it's a total etiquette no-no in a wedding invitation. A shower invite, wedding or baby, yes...but a wedding invite itself...NO WAY.

When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.

OP I would suggest you don't let your opinions of the "moral choices" influence you here. So what if they are already married? They are now having a celebration and including friends & family. I do think you should consider going and buying a small gift. It doesn't have to be anything from the registry but something small would be fine, candle sticks, a nice frame, some wine glasses....anything like that would be fine. If you really don't want to do it, then just give a card and refuse payment for your DH's gift of DJing for their celebration. :) good luck with what you decide, and to answer your original question, yes I would buy them a gift.

Proper etiquette is to send wedding invitations without registry information. An invitation is meant to ask friends and loved ones to share an important event -- not to grab for gifts, which is exactly what including registry information looks like. If guests would like to bring a gift (and of course 99%+ do), they ask family members or other friends where the couple is registered. They can then decide whether to give a gift from the registry or give a gift of cash.I have to agree, including registry information on the invite is TACKY TACKY TACKY! Please don't do it! There are only so many places to register and spending ten minutes online can yield all the registries just by entering the couple's name on most places one can register.

Bed Bath & Beyond
Macys.com
Dillards.com
Target.com
Tiffany.com
Bloomingdales.com
walmart.com

To the OP, I would just bring a small token gift (under $50) and enjoy an evening of fun.

HunnyPots
06-22-2009, 03:11 PM
No, they wouldn't be getting a thing from me.

pearlieq
06-22-2009, 03:15 PM
It is pretty common to have those registries with the invitation

Well, yes, I would call that common.

You don't invite someone to an event on your own behalf and include any mention of a gift. It's extremely rude. You invite someone because you want to enjoy their presence and include them in your celebration. To include registry information, or any reference to a gift, would imply that a gift is expected or required, which it certainly is not.

Imagine if one of your friends called you up and said "Hey, can you come to my birthday party on Saturday? You can buy my present at Target." Putting registry information in a wedding invite is doing the exact same thing, and it comes across just as awful.

Registry information can get disseminated in a couple of ways. If someone is throwing you a shower, they can include the information with the shower invites (the key difference there is that the shower host is not soliciting gifts for her own benefit, but rather the bride's). Or, people will often ask you, your family, or a member of the wedding party where you are registered. They won't have a problem figuring it out.

As for the OP's situation, I suggest being a little mercenary about it. You obviously don't have much affection for the couple, so going just to support them and wish them well isn't your primary motivation. Please know I'm not saying that to be rude or judgmental--it just seems like what the situation is, and there's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to like everyone. Goodness knows there's members of my own extended family I wish I could misplace!

So, with that being the case, weigh your options. Does it sound like it's going to be a fun party? Are there people there you would like to see? Can you go and be civil to everyone without making snarky comments or exchanging eyerolls with your DH? If that's the case, maybe you go.

Or, does it look like it's going to be more of a hassle than it's worth? Do you worry that you may not be able to keep your mouth shut and smile? Are you concerned that people will think you support their choices and that will reflect poorly on you? If it's more like that, just decline.

If you do decide to attend, waive any fees for your DH. If he has expenses he has to cover, consider that their wedding gift. If he doesn't have expenses associated with the event, you should also offer them a token gift.

If you don't go, send a card with your congrats and consider your DH's reduced fee to be their gift.

Good luck either way!

wall*e2008
06-22-2009, 03:17 PM
Simple solution: even if they offer your DH money to DJ, have him refuse to accept it and tell them that his DJ services are their gift from you both as they celebrate.

In my opinion, that's all that's necessary.

I agree

Kickapoo Joie Juice
06-22-2009, 03:18 PM
I have no problem bringing a gift for FRIENDS who've decided to do things bass ackwards and put the wedding last instead of first :rotfl:. I'm happy to celebrate them finally getting around to it, lol.

HOWEVER, people I barely know inviting me to a wedding, no matter how properly phrased, is an automatic "no" from me because I know they don't really care if I'm there or not, they're just grubbin' the gifts...

pixiewings71
06-22-2009, 03:19 PM
I'll make sure my BFF doesn't include her registry info with her invitations then. I wasn't invited to bridal showers for the weddings I've attended recently, I guess maybe they sent registry information to those who didn't go to showers....I have no idea, I just know that the last 3 or 4 I've received have had registry cards in them. Thanks for the info everyone.

*pixie*dust*
06-22-2009, 03:19 PM
Simple solution: even if they offer your DH money to DJ, have him refuse to accept it and tell them that his DJ services are their gift from you both as they celebrate.

In my opinion, that's all that's necessary.

Great idea! ITA.

mrsklamc
06-22-2009, 04:09 PM
Nope, no gift from me if I were you. They've already shown marriage vows mean not a thing to them, so why should there be a celebration of them making them?

NYCDiane
06-22-2009, 04:11 PM
Okay, I have several problems with this...

First, this couple is a friend of the OPs family, not really a good or close friend of the OP and her DH.

Second, they're already married and were living together & had a child long before that!

They obviously have a life together established and aren't starting out as a new, young couple would and being in need of certain starter items (like the things that would be listed in a registry)

I would politely decline the invitation, send a well-wishes card, and call it a day. Save yourself the time, trouble, and expense of attending this gift-grabbing fiasco.

NYCDiane
06-22-2009, 04:14 PM
PS: and I HATE those "registry" things... how tacky can you be telling people what to buy you as a gift???? Graciously accept the gifts that are given to you and exchange the ones you get doubles of or the ones you don't truly want (that's what gift receipts are for and every store gives them!)

ctinct
06-22-2009, 04:18 PM
Nope, no gift from me if I were you. They've already shown marriage vows mean not a thing to them, so why should there be a celebration of them making them?

Ditto. :worship::worship::worship::worship::worship::wors hip::worship::worship:

Scurvy
06-22-2009, 05:14 PM
Yikes! No, I would not be getting them a gift. Completely aside from the way that their relationship started, there are several reasons why I wouldn't be getting them anything. First, they aren't your friends. Second, it is tacky to include registry information in the wedding invitation. Third, (and most important, in my opinion) it is not a wedding. They are already married, therefore they already had their wedding. This is a gift grab.

It is an invitation, not an invoice. If you don't wish to attend, RSVP "No" and don't attend. You are not obligated to get them a gift.

ETA - If your husband wants to DJ for them at a reduced rate or at no charge, I think that certainly would be more than enough of a gift even if you choose to attend this gift grab.

SpectroMouse
06-22-2009, 05:38 PM
I agree with having your husband's DJ services be the gift. In fact knowing how much I have spent on DJ's, I think this may be more than they deserve! If you are attending, and feel like you should 'bring' a gift with you, how about a small gift for the baby? I imagine this is a big life altering event for the baby as well, right? ;)

omghidanielle
06-22-2009, 06:09 PM
I've been experiencing more and more of this lately, and it's driving me crazy!

My cousin did it to me last year, had an 8 page registry at 2 different stores, when she and her husband and 2 year old lived with (and currently live with) her mom. I found out this weekend that all of the gifts she got are sitting in a closet, still in the boxes!

And my DH's friend is getting married in July. The woman in the relationship does not like me for some out-of-this-world reason and did not invite me to the shower (which, I'm fine with) but she felt the need to send registry info with the invitation. As if that wasn't tacky enough, they also did not put a stamp on the return envelope! As a result, I refused to send in the response card, and let them track me down and ask if we were coming.

And to make things even better, at my wedding last year, they gave us a $15 Target gift card and a candle shaped like a skull. I feel like I'm being invited to this just for the gift because our friendship (or lack thereof) obviously means nothing to them.

Neither one of them got or will get a thing from me but well wishes. You should do the same, especially since you are doing them a favor that would have otherwise cost them some more $$!

beansmom
06-22-2009, 06:10 PM
mygoodness....i certainly agree they were tacky in including registry info but many do now....but

who has the right to decide how someone else should live their lives? Will the first of us who has never made a mistake, please step forward...there are soo many things I need your advice on.

It is YOUR right to go or not to celebrate with them but if you cannot do it with a genuinely happy heart, please stay home.

MomtoGKC
06-22-2009, 06:27 PM
How about a CD of some of th emusic that was played at the wedding? Especially mother/son, father/daughter, first dance, etc.? Free and polite.

PigletsMommy
06-22-2009, 06:27 PM
Thanks everyone for your input. I cant believe how many responses were similar to mine. I hesitated to ask because I thought for sure I would get flamed for being judgemental. My MIL cant understand why I have problems with this couple. She says the girl just wants to have the "big day". I say she just wants gifts.

I do feel I have to go, mostly because DH is the DJ but also because the "brides" mother was very sweet to us during our wedding planning. Even helped out throwing my bridal shower.

I think I will put something in the card about hope you enjoyed your party and the music blah blah blah. Or maybe something for the baby. I like that idea too.

I will probably just attend the reception since the "wedding" is being held at a Baptist Church and I'm not sure I can keep my eyes from rolling in the back of my head on that one.:rolleyes:

As for the debate on including registry info... I find this done more & more frequently since I moved to the south from MI and it boggles my mind. I did have a chance to look over the registry and was even more shocked at what I found. It was full of your basic items...small appliances, silverware, linens, dishes, cookware,bathroom accessories, luggage, etc!! It was your basic registry for a young couple just starting out together who had NOTHING. Which I personally KNOW is not the case here since I was invited 3 years ago to a housewarming party for this girl and she got several of these items. :rolleyes2 It really seems to me as if they are just looking to 'upgrade'

jlima
06-22-2009, 06:36 PM
Proper etiquette is to send wedding invitations without registry information. An invitation is meant to ask friends and loved ones to share an important event -- not to grab for gifts, which is exactly what including registry information looks like. If guests would like to bring a gift (and of course 99%+ do), they ask family members or other friends where the couple is registered. They can then decide whether to give a gift from the registry or give a gift of cash.
Yep!

DH & I got married in California. My ENTIRE family was in Louisiana. We registered at two departments stores, one in California (May Co.); and one in Louisiana (DH Holmes). After the invitations went out, our guests called me & asked where we were registered, or they called my mom and asked where we were registered. Complete word of mouth.

jlima
06-22-2009, 06:37 PM
And to make things even better, at my wedding last year, they gave us a $15 Target gift card and a candle shaped like a skull.
:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:

AZMermaid
06-22-2009, 06:45 PM
I got married two months ago and we did not put the registry info in the invitation. My DH wanted to, but I put my foot down because it is TACKY! People asked and it was no big deal. We got 75% of the items on our registries (Macy's and Bed Bath and Beyond) and cash. We only got 3-4 non-registry/ cash gifts and all were sentimental. So, people will ask and buy off the registry if they want to!

A funny story though- we were total B List guests at a wedding this fall for the sister of DH's friend. We got the invite like 5 days before the due date. But, we went and got a gift off the registry- which the card was in the invite. The couple was 22 and just out of college and their parents home. They had NOTHING. They registered for the most random stuff at BBB and Target e.g. a Wii, fondue set, creme brulee torch etc etc. And that's what all their 22 year old friends were buying them! The best was between the 2 registries, they were registered for 7 toaster/toaster ovens! We got them a variety of kitchen utensils (spatulas, spoons, pizza cutter, etc.) Not really exciting- but that's the stuff you use!

So, flash forward to our wedding. The totally regifted us! We suspected it because the gift was random. It came in a wedding bag that broke because it had been used. Upon inspection, there were a couple little pieces of wrapping paper still taped to it! :eek: If they would have wrapped it, we never would have known. Guess what it was...... a toaster oven! :rotfl: We were able to exchange it at BBB and got a $70 credit for it so alls well that ends well.

NYCDiane
06-22-2009, 07:44 PM
The totally regifted us! .



Don't even get me started on this "re-gifting" phenomenon! O-M-G.... that is more tacky than gift registries!!!!!!!!

JerseyMamaBear
06-22-2009, 07:56 PM
When exactly are you supposed to let people know where you're registered? Wondering because I'm pretty sure my BFF is going to include registry information in her invitations....and every wedding invite I've received lately has had registry information included.
.

in the bridal shower invitation or by word of mouth from friends or family, not by yours

Grumpy140
06-22-2009, 08:11 PM
Maybe just bring something when you go. Give them a picture frame.. Good Luck

buckler
06-22-2009, 09:22 PM
How about a CD of some of th emusic that was played at the wedding? Especially mother/son, father/daughter, first dance, etc.? Free and polite.

Nice idea, but I don't think I'd go that route. With the million judgment that was just handed down to a person sharing music over the internet, I'd think twice before violating a music copyright and burning copies of music other than for my own personal use.

WeLoveLilo05
06-22-2009, 09:48 PM
I just got an invitation to a 'wedding' in the mail for July and I'm having a some issues for it. Its a friend of the family thru DH's side.

The couple is already married. They have lived together for well over a year and had a baby last December. They eloped almost 4 months ago about 2 seconds after his divorce was final. Yes that means they were living together & had a baby while he was still married to someone else.

I am trying not to be judgemental but the biggest problem that I have is included in the invitation is a note to where the couple is registered at. I could understand if this were a vow-renewal or even just a reception to celebrate, but to be calling it a wedding and asking for gifts is a little much for me. Maybe I'm being a little old fashioned but this just seems crazy to me.

I guess I should also mention that DH is DJ-ing for them at an extremely reduced rate. His offer was free but they said they will pay him, we still dont know exactly how much. So I dont know if we should be getting them gifts since he is doing this...and I'm also having some moral issues with their decisions.

As someone in their similar shoes (well....kinda... minus the being married to someone and living with another person- me and fiance live together, have daughter together, are not married yet, but budgeting for it, and were never previously married or living with one while being married to another haha), I would suggest that your husband offer his DJing services for free as "his gift" to them. I know that is something I would greatly appreciate as a bride to be.
And then you decide if you would like to go, you may not want to if DH is going to be DJing all night? :confused3

WeLoveLilo05
06-22-2009, 09:51 PM
I got married two months ago and we did not put the registry info in the invitation. My DH wanted to, but I put my foot down because it is TACKY! People asked and it was no big deal. We got 75% of the items on our registries (Macy's and Bed Bath and Beyond) and cash. We only got 3-4 non-registry/ cash gifts and all were sentimental. So, people will ask and buy off the registry if they want to!

A funny story though- we were total B List guests at a wedding this fall for the sister of DH's friend. We got the invite like 5 days before the due date. But, we went and got a gift off the registry- which the card was in the invite. The couple was 22 and just out of college and their parents home. They had NOTHING. They registered for the most random stuff at BBB and Target e.g. a Wii, fondue set, creme brulee torch etc etc. And that's what all their 22 year old friends were buying them! The best was between the 2 registries, they were registered for 7 toaster/toaster ovens! We got them a variety of kitchen utensils (spatulas, spoons, pizza cutter, etc.) Not really exciting- but that's the stuff you use!

So, flash forward to our wedding. The totally regifted us! We suspected it because the gift was random. It came in a wedding bag that broke because it had been used. Upon inspection, there were a couple little pieces of wrapping paper still taped to it! :eek: If they would have wrapped it, we never would have known. Guess what it was...... a toaster oven! :rotfl: We were able to exchange it at BBB and got a $70 credit for it so alls well that ends well.

I hate when people regift....that drives me nuts...DD always gets something for christmas/birthdays from fiance's aunt who has a daughter who is 2 years older than DD. So she gets a bunch of clothing that will fit her in another 2-3 years.

badblackpug
06-23-2009, 12:00 AM
You really seem to have a problem with this couple, so I would say send your regrets. Your husband can go and DJ, and if he chooses, make his services a gift. I don't think he is obligated to bring a gift, as he is technically an employee. If you decide to go, which I really don't think you should since you have such problems with the situation, the polite thing to do would be to bring a gift.

lh193
06-23-2009, 12:24 AM
Wedding etiquette is one of those things where there is a "right" way of doing things and then there is what "people actually do". Things have changed since the wedding industry has become a multimillion dollar business. For all the people wondering why couples include registry information with their invitations, it's because the stores encourage them to. Bed Bath and Beyond printed up a huge packet of tiny little cards for us to use (We did not). Most first time brides have no idea what they are doing and listen to the "experts". They give you a little price gun and tell you to zap barcodes of anything that looks interesting. And that you need to choose stuff in a wide variety of price ranges.

For many older brides or brides that already have stuff, they consider not registering, but then their friends and family convince them that they have to register or else they will end up with hideous knick knacks that they will have to display forever. Some people have no idea what to register for. BBB suggested we "upgrade" our stuff since most of our household goods were hand-me-downs or Walmart quality. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This couple has already been married, but want to celebrate their marriage with their friends and family. Most women want the big wedding...this is probably the bride's first, even though the groom has already been married. A wedding is more than a big party...it's the coming together of two new families. If you don't approve of their union, don't like them personally, don't want to get a gift => don't waste your time.

Plus, a wedding invitation is not always a gift grab. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and the guest list is always a bone of contention. Perhaps her mother insisted that you be invited even though the couple do not know you. Perhaps the bride would rather invite coworkers and they could not make the list but your deferral will mean they can come.

I hate how people assume the worst about weddings. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try.

Scurvy
06-23-2009, 09:55 AM
This couple has already been married, but want to celebrate their marriage with their friends and family. Most women want the big wedding...this is probably the bride's first, even though the groom has already been married. A wedding is more than a big party...it's the coming together of two new families. If you don't approve of their union, don't like them personally, don't want to get a gift => don't waste your time.

Plus, a wedding invitation is not always a gift grab. Planning a wedding is stressful enough and the guest list is always a bone of contention. Perhaps her mother insisted that you be invited even though the couple do not know you. Perhaps the bride would rather invite coworkers and they could not make the list but your deferral will mean they can come.

I hate how people assume the worst about weddings. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try.


I don't think there is anything wrong with registering for gifts these days. As you pointed out, often friends and family expect it. And you are right that stores do encourage people to include registry information in the invitations - which is a shame since it is so tacky. I can understand why people who don't know any better do such things. And I agree that not all invitations are gift grabs - of course they aren't! Lots of times people who aren't close friends of the bride or groom are invited and in this case it makes perfect sense that the OP, who has ties to the family and is married to the DJ, would be invited.

However, none of that matters at all in this case, since this is not a wedding. The bride has already had her first wedding. (Or second, or whatever it is.) It does not matter if the bride wanted a big wedding. She chose not to have one. She can have a big reception shortly after her wedding, or she can have an anniversary party after a year, or she can have a vow renewal. . . but she can't have a big wedding. That ship has sailed. If a big wedding was a priority for her then she should have waited to get married until she could have the wedding that she wanted. She already had her wedding when she got married; she doesn't get a do-over. The only way she can have another wedding at this point is if she gets divorced and then gets married again. At this point, any "wedding" she has is just play acting.

This is not a wedding, regardless of what she wants to call it. It's a party and a gift grab.

No one in this case is assuming the worst about a wedding because there isn't a wedding in this case.

crisi
06-23-2009, 10:19 AM
in the bridal shower invitation or by word of mouth from friends or family, not by yours

Yep.

If you know them well enough to invite them, they know you well enough to ask "what would you like as a gift." The normal thing is not to ask you - they ask your relatives and your attendants and your friends if you are registered anywhere. And that assumes they are interested in buying something off your registry - or even giving you a gift at all. Neither are required of your guests.

(I'd gift them your husband's time and send a very nice note wishing them much happiness in their future life together. I'd only bother to go to the wedding if you think you'll enjoy yourself there.)

CLR4321
06-24-2009, 12:09 AM
Unless your DH is good friends with this couple, I would consider him being the DJ as the majority of the gift. If I were you, I would get something small, such as picture frames or a set of bath towels or a kitchen utensil under $30-35.
I don't judge anyone for how they choose to live, and I'd set aside the fact that they were living together and starting a family while he was still married. If you and/or your DH are friends enough to come to the wedding and even be a DJ, it would be best that you respect their way of living also, otherwise you should just skip the wedding. As far as the registry info in the invite....most couples include this either in a wedding announcement or invitation. Registries are extremely common, and you shouldn't be offended by being directed to one. The registries are useful for the couple getting married to avoid returning items they don't need or want and to avoid having to exchange gifts. You shouldn't take offense of someone directing you to a list of things they would prefer as a gift, as getting that in your invitation doesn't mean they assume you will buy them something.