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DisneyBrat
06-09-2009, 01:52 AM
My best friends daughter is getting married. We were discussing the shower and presents today. Somewhere in the conversation she said said that gifts were given at both venues. I had always been under the assumption that if you give them a gift at the bridal shower then you didn't have to give one day of the wedding. HELP with etiquette here. Personally the bride only wants gift certificates and I don't want to be locked into spending more than I could find a nice gift for.

Kate and Pete
06-09-2009, 06:55 AM
Where I am, we do give gifts at both. However, I'm so tired so hearing "the bride only wanted GCs..." Who is she to dictate what she receives as a GIFT? :scared1: You buy her whatever you want - I'm sure she'll like it, as she should be happy to get a gift.

I've been married seven years - since when has a wedding become all about GCs? It should be about the marriage and your family and friends! :goodvibes


Spend what you see fit! :hug:

mc'smommy
06-09-2009, 07:19 AM
Around my area, it always has been a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding...

annsteere
06-09-2009, 07:19 AM
If you attend both the wedding and the shower you bring a gift to both.

"I just want GC's" --TACKY! Unless there is some special reason like the couple are leaving the country to live in Africa so transporting gifts would be difficult but they will use the GC's to buy zebra jerky at the local outpost, I'd be likely to be "busy" and skip the shower.

brymolmom
06-09-2009, 07:53 AM
I agree with PP's I know the type and expense of the gifts vary by region, but it is my belief that it is universal that you bring a gift to both shower and wedding. BTW - for me at least - the shower gift is usually much smaller amount than the wedding gift. You could find some sort of kitchen appliance on a good sale or just do a kitchen 'gadget' basket - a nice basket for serving rolls, etc. filled with spatula, serving spoons, ice cream scooper, kitchen towel set.

I usually gift cash for the wedding gift.

GJM
06-09-2009, 07:56 AM
Where I come from we give a gift for the shower and cash gift for the wedding.

Alesia
06-09-2009, 08:02 AM
Traditionally, A shower gift is small. The sort of thing the bride would use around the house, something like dish towels.

Wedding gifts are traditionally bigger.

If you attend both, you give a gift for both.

Lisa_M
06-09-2009, 08:04 AM
Where I am from it is customary to bring a gift (usually household item) at the shower and a gift of money to the reception. So this bride expects to have a shower of just gift cards? That is ridiculous and sounds so boring. The fun of showers is seeing the gifts.

dhcoffey
06-09-2009, 08:07 AM
I know these threads can get crazy but I'll throw in my opinion anyway. Around here, South Ga, if you're invited to the showers, then we don't bring a gift to the wedding, too.

Just do what you're comfortable doing and have fun.

Heather

kldmom2000
06-09-2009, 08:26 AM
I've always been brought up that it's a gift for the shower and cash for the wedding :thumbsup2 It could be different based on where you live perhaps?

Resseda
06-09-2009, 08:29 AM
I just have to add...when I hear about all these couples/brides requesting money, or requested gift certificates, it drives me up the wall. I got married 4 years ago, and our whole attitude was "please come to the wedding and share our day". We didn't care about gifts, and, honestly, we were completely blown away by the gifts and money we did receive it. We are in an area where it is typical to "cover your plate", and I will wholeheartedly say, we were as happy with the $20 from one of my girlfriends as we were with the $300 from one of my DH uncle's. I think a lot of brides need a gentle reminder that this is a day to celebrate their wedding and union, not a birthday where you hand out wish lists to everyone you know.

Sorry. /rant.

Ress

mjkacmom
06-09-2009, 08:33 AM
There was a thread about this a while back - I have never heard of not giving 2 separate gifts, ever, but apparently, there are 2 states in the US where this is the norm. We give a gift off of the registry for the shower (spend about $50), and give cash or check at the wedding ($300).

pyrxtc
06-09-2009, 08:41 AM
yup, household gift at the shower and cash at the wedding.

Crystal824
06-09-2009, 08:41 AM
In PA, it is customary to give a gift at the shower and at the wedding. As others have stated, the shower gift is generally a small gift while the wedding gift is larger. Most people give cash as the wedding gift.

derocas
06-09-2009, 08:52 AM
Where I am from it is customary to bring a gift (usually household item) at the shower and a gift of money to the reception. So this bride expects to have a shower of just gift cards? That is ridiculous and sounds so boring. The fun of showers is seeing the gifts.

Yes this is what we do in my area but from what I've been reading, not all regions of the U.S. give money for the wedding. A lot of places give gifts.

I also agree that requesting gift cards sounds ridiculous. I've never heard of a bride at her shower gifts and saying, "Wow, a gift card to Target and look this gift card is to Macy's." :confused3

maggiew
06-09-2009, 09:33 AM
We give a gift for both the shower and the wedding. For the shower it is something like towels or silverware, etc. from the registry. For the wedding it would be a bigger gift like china (if they registered for that) or a more expensive item from their registry. If no registry, then I pick something based on the couple and what I think they would like.

Maggie

daughtersrus
06-09-2009, 10:32 AM
I'm in the Chicago area. We've always given a gift for the shower and money for the wedding. I was just at a wedding shower a few weeks ago. I was shocked by some of what was given. The great-aunt of the bride gave her a complete set of dishes from Crate and Barrel that she had registered for. The total was close to $500.00!:scared1:

I on the other hand, spent about $90 on the gift. The bride is a neighbor/friend of my daughters that we've known since she was 5yo.

puffkin
06-09-2009, 10:36 AM
In PA, it is customary to give a gift at the shower and at the wedding. As others have stated, the shower gift is generally a small gift while the wedding gift is larger. Most people give cash as the wedding gift.

Same here.


Also, I have attended several showers where the gift registries have been very expensive and above my budget, so I just gave a gift card with the amount I wanted to spend to the store where the registry was at. I always give cash at a wedding.

Melmac
06-09-2009, 11:40 AM
In my area, it is also customary to give a gift at both the shower and the wedding. Usually, not everyone invited to the wedding is invited to the shower though - just closer friends and family. I do a $50 gift at the shower (usually something off of the registry ... that way, I know they want it) and usually cash for the wedding. The exception to this was for my close cousin's wedding - my mom, sister and I split the dishes that she registered for. I spent the same amount on the dishes that I would have gifted her in cash anyway.

I would never give cash or a gift card for a shower and would be tempted not to attend a shower that asked for either.

MariDisney
06-09-2009, 11:42 AM
My best friends daughter is getting married. We were discussing the shower and presents today. Somewhere in the conversation she said said that gifts were given at both venues. I had always been under the assumption that if you give them a gift at the bridal shower then you didn't have to give one day of the wedding. HELP with etiquette here. Personally the bride only wants gift certificates and I don't want to be locked into spending more than I could find a nice gift for.

I have never heard of only doing a shower gift. Around here it's usually a household type gift for the shower and cash for the wedding. That said, I am offened to be told what to buy, and I rarely follow instructions about that. I'd buy them whatever you can afford that you think they'd like.

Mom of three
06-09-2009, 03:15 PM
Ive got a good one:

So dh had 2 cousins that were getting married. One lived close, the other far away. The aunts decided to throw them a joint bridal shower, but the bride that lived far away would NOT be attending, so we were instructed to bring gift cards and they could be mailed to her. :scared1:


Umm....kinda felt like the only reason it was a "joint" shower was to reap the benefits of gifts. :rolleyes:

I did not attend. ;)

Alesia
06-09-2009, 03:48 PM
Ive got a good one:

So dh had 2 cousins that were getting married. One lived close, the other far away. The aunts decided to throw them a joint bridal shower, but the bride that lived far away would NOT be attending, so we were instructed to bring gift cards and they could be mailed to her. :scared1:


Umm....kinda felt like the only reason it was a "joint" shower was to reap the benefits of gifts. :rolleyes:

I did not attend. ;)

That sounds like something my husband's family would do.

hhartill
06-09-2009, 04:06 PM
I've always been brought up that it's a gift for the shower and cash for the wedding :thumbsup2 It could be different based on where you live perhaps?

Agreed, gift for the shower so everyone can ooh and aah and cold hard cash for the wedding. At my bridal shower all the aunts kept saying "she's going too fast, we didn't see that mixer!" oh please! Who REALLY likes to look at that stuff? I ripped through that stuff so fast they didn't have time to sip their tea and I was done, now on to the spiked punch!

mom_of_3_mousketeers
06-09-2009, 04:48 PM
Here you give a gift for both. My cousin's shower was the other day and while she registered for stuff, I did give her a gift card because she is moving from IL to CO, so that would be 1 less gift for her to pack. I will give her a cash gift for her wedding which will be a little more than what I gave her for her shower.

HALEYSMOMMOM
06-09-2009, 07:08 PM
Both-but my dh's family only gave a shower gift for our wedding. I was offended, for whatever thats worth

mjkacmom
06-09-2009, 07:12 PM
OP, if your friend's dd is getting married, I'm guessing you've been to a few weddings. Did you not get anyone a wedding gift because you gave a shower gift?

horseshowmom
06-09-2009, 07:22 PM
I know these threads can get crazy but I'll throw in my opinion anyway. Around here, South Ga, if you're invited to the showers, then we don't bring a gift to the wedding, too.

Just do what you're comfortable doing and have fun.

Heather

Same here.

My own DD was married this past Saturday. The only gifts of any sort that were brought to the wedding were by people who had not attended one of the showers. There were no cash/cards given (nor were they expected - it would have been very much out of the ordinary).



OP, if your friend's dd is getting married, I'm guessing you've been to a few weddings. Did you not get anyone a wedding gift because you gave a shower gift?

I've been to quite a few weddings too but have never carried a gift to the wedding (of course, I have always been at the showers). Just for reference, other guests didn't carry gifts either (unless, as I said earlier, they didn't attend the shower).


OP, based on what your friend said, she apparently comes from an area that does expect gifts at the shower and the wedding. Maybe in your case (since you are concerned about the dollar amount which is certainly something to think about), you might "have other plans" the day of the shower and just carry the gift to the wedding.

Pakey
06-09-2009, 07:25 PM
Here, we would give gifts for each shower invited to (there is often more than one shower) and then a gift for the wedding also (most people do cash).

When my husband's brother was getting married 7 years ago, his fiancee was "too busy" to have/attend a shower, so form letters went out stating how busy she was and just requesting us to mail shower gifts to her address. I absolutely refused. My husband was embarrassed by my outrage (this is his brother) so he actually drove a shower gift to their home.

WDWAurora
06-09-2009, 10:31 PM
In NC, it's one gift, period. I can honestly say that, of our 300+ guests, the only people who gave multiple gifts were from out of state. DMiL gave one at the 2 showers she went to, and they gave a gift at the wedding. Honesty, I didn't really feel like she needed to give one at any of the showers, or the wedding. They were doing so much already with the rehearsal dinner, travel, etc.

As far as cash, we did get a fair amount, again mostly from out of staters. The other cash we got was mostly from older people who couldn't get out to shop in the bigger city. Gift cards were usually from people mailing a gift, or from people who wanted us to have money to buy the things we needed off our registry we didn't get, that kind of thing. Or they would put "use this towards a place setting" when they didn't want to/weren't able to spend the total amount (maybe not a place setting, because ours were relatively inexpensive, but you get the idea).

It wouldn't surprise me if you were used to one gift, being from VA. I would think a lot of the NC/VA customs are similar in some areas.

Edited to add: I certainly didn't think anything about whether or not I received a gift from anyone or not, or how much they spent, or whether or not they gave a gift at everything they came to. And they all got thank you notes in a timely manner! (Recent pet peeve)

tinker&belle
06-09-2009, 10:39 PM
In Indiana, most people only give one gift. For our wedding only really close family (parents, a few aunts) gave at a shower and at the wedding. I did have a personal shower and some people gave a shower/wedding gift and a personal gift.

bamagirl@hrt
06-09-2009, 10:43 PM
If you attend both the wedding and the shower you bring a gift to both.

"I just want GC's" --TACKY! Unless there is some special reason like the couple are leaving the country to live in Africa so transporting gifts would be difficult but they will use the GC's to buy zebra jerky at the local outpost, I'd be likely to be "busy" and skip the shower.

Funny you should say that! I just went to a wedding shower for a couple who will be living in Africa and transporting gifts would be a problem. They asked for financial gifts, not specifically gift cards. The couple spent time visiting with each person at the shower rather than opening gifts. It was different than the "norm" for our area, but very nice just the same.

Shyvioletisme
06-10-2009, 12:00 AM
here we give at both shower and reception. Generally the shower is for gifts that mainly just the bride wants(like kitchen stuff..etc) and the reception is a gift for both the bride and groom. (though never cash...I hadn't even heard of giving cash/checks at the actual wedding until joining the DIS...though I understand that these things tend to vary quite a bit in various parts of the country)

snarlingcoyote
06-10-2009, 12:46 AM
Here you give at one or the other.

Except. . .we have a tradition that you "pay" the bride and groom for the opportunity to dance with them by pinning money to the bride's veil (some use a little silk bag these days to save their veils from tears) or to the groom's tux jacket. Dollar amounts are strictly voluntary, and it's a nice way to ensure that the bride and the groom get a chance to speak with everyone who attended the wedding.

That said, I'm told that at fairly modest weddings, couples often get over $1K.

I don't dance and neither does DH so I give a gift at the shower for the bride and bring a gift card to somewhere I know the groom will like for the wedding. (Hardware stores, generally.) If I don't attend the wedding, I will usually send the gift card within 2 or 3 weeks of the wedding with a note about how I hope they will enjoy buying something they just discovered they needed or some-such kerfluff.

maraki527
06-10-2009, 12:03 PM
We give a gift at the shower and money at the wedding. I am from Ohio

DVC_Princess
06-11-2009, 02:08 PM
I agree that it's based on ur area. We give a gift at the shower (usually something for the house that the bride has registered for) and a cash gift at the wedding.

For the shower gift, it's usually based on how well you know the person and what you can afford ($50-$250 is probably a standard range) and for the wedding, usually at least $100/pp. But showers and weddings are also very different depending on your area; here both are very fancy affairs and usually held in an upscale restaurant or hall.

If you aren't sure you want to give 2 gifts and aren't that close to the bride/groom, I would also recommend skipping the shower and bringing whatever gift you had planned to the wedding.

Andreas Mom
06-11-2009, 03:09 PM
Im in Washington State and got married over 7 years ago. From what I know....the bridal shower is to shower the bride with gifts....whetever it is appliances, towels, etc or even at my shower I got some things "for me" lingere, lotions, candles, etc.

I have also been to lingerie parties that are only lingerie and are sometimes in place of having a bachlorette party.

Then at the wedding we got more off the registry if it was not already given at the shower. People brought gifts to both. We did get some money/checks but not a ton. The money we did get was usually around the $50 or so mark which was probably about the same amount they would have spent on a gift but maybe didnt have time to go get something.

Also in our area or maybe my group of friends and family it is common to go in on a gift together. If the couple wants a bigger item a few families may go in on it together. Normal here.

And I usually dont give cash or gc's cause i can use my super awesome bargin shopping skills to find something great at a great price :goodvibes

fussymonkey
06-11-2009, 03:10 PM
I could never afford to give 100/pp as a wedding gift! Usually we give maybe $70 as a couple for a wedding gift. At our wedding we received a variety of gifts in varying values, from a Target brand picture frame from one family to about $100 from another, and I can honestly say I could have cared less what anyone gave, I was just proud and happy to have them celebrate our wedding with us.

In MI where I am, one generally gives a household gift at the shower (I usually spend about $35-40) and then a cash gift or a registry gift for the wedding.

Wedding giving has gotten out of hand, in my opinion, when it has cost me half a mortgage payment just to attend a shower and wedding! Really, it should all be about celebrating the couple and thier love, not cashing in.

Also, if I am travelling to go to the wedding, I ususally don't give large gifts, then I give more smaller, sentimental items. My cousin married a couple of years ago and we had to travel out of state to her wedding, but I gave her a peice of crystal from my mom's house (my mom had just died).

MomBoyd
06-11-2009, 03:23 PM
Most places if you go to both you give gifts for both. The shower gift usually costs less and is often a household item, something "girly" or lingerie. The wedding gift is traditionally cash in some areas (often urban or suburban areas) and a gift from their registry or gift certificates in other areas.

kelleigh1
06-11-2009, 03:26 PM
I've always known (or maybe assumed) that if you attend both, you give gifts at both. I tend to give a gift at the shower and cash for the wedding. I also am not a fan of being told what to give, although I do like registries because in my opinion those are suggestions or things they would really like and if the items are within my price range, I will usually choose something from the registry.

secretpantssam
06-11-2009, 03:28 PM
I give something at each. Usually a gift at the shower and money at the wedding.

Mrs. Bradbury
06-11-2009, 04:46 PM
I'm from GA and it's considered proper etiquette to give a wedding gift and a shower gift, if you're invited to any showers. I was also brought up that relatives do not give showers. Also, it's entirely possible to be invited to more than one shower for a couple. And theme showers are popular - stock the yard (lawn/outdoor stuff), stock the bar, lingerie, kitchen, etc. I've never heard of giving money for dances, and cash gifts for the wedding are definitely not the norm - gifts of linens, china, silver, crystal are. In fact, I think money figuring so prominently at such an occasion is poor manners.

And finally, gifts are always in proportion to what the giver wants to or can afford, nothing more.

Poohbear5
06-11-2009, 04:56 PM
We always do a household item for the shower, cash for a wedding gift.
I just went to two showers in a month for the same girl! So I did a gift for each. There were 100 people in attendance at one of the showers!

My daughter is getting married soon and will be moving across the country for her military spouses job. A family member recommended a "green back " shower but I thought it was VERY tacky to request cash or GC.

If someone should call and ask for a suggestion for her gift, then I'd make that suggestion, but otherwise, a gift is NOT an obligation or fundraiser!

If she can't take her gifts with her, we'll have them shipped or bring them when we come out to visit later in the year.

disneyjunkie
06-11-2009, 05:11 PM
gift at the shower cash at the wedding


Both-but my dh's family only gave a shower gift for our wedding. I was offended, for whatever thats worth

Why were you offended?

Kellydelly
06-11-2009, 05:13 PM
You are supposed to give a gift for both the shower and the wedding, unless you attend neither, then it's your discretion to send them a gift.

pearlieq
06-11-2009, 05:42 PM
Yet another registry-type gift at the shower, check at the wedding here.

Inigo
06-11-2009, 05:46 PM
I'm in IN, and the norm (at least in my realm of existence) is a separate gift for the shower and the wedding. A shower gift would be in the range of $20-50, depending on relationship to the couple. A wedding gift would be in the range of $50-$150, again depending on the relationship to the couple. Gifts are taken to the wedding reception, and are opened by the couple during the reception.

The norm is that you don't get invited to a shower unless you are also getting invited to the wedding. Parents and siblings don't give showers, although it's still proper for more distant relatives to do so, so it would be acceptable for an aunt or cousin to host the event.

tinker&belle
06-12-2009, 11:51 AM
I'm in IN, and the norm (at least in my realm of existence) is a separate gift for the shower and the wedding. A shower gift would be in the range of $20-50, depending on relationship to the couple. A wedding gift would be in the range of $50-$150, again depending on the relationship to the couple. Gifts are taken to the wedding reception, and are opened by the couple during the reception.

The norm is that you don't get invited to a shower unless you are also getting invited to the wedding. Parents and siblings don't give showers, although it's still proper for more distant relatives to do so, so it would be acceptable for an aunt or cousin to host the event.


Just out of curiosity, are you from northern or southern Indiana? Like I said, we only received duplicate gifts from VERY close family members and I have never been to a reception where the couple opens the gifts. I am from South central Indiana.

TSBRN
06-14-2009, 06:41 PM
I'm in NW PA and everyone I know buys a gift for shower and wedding (if they are invited to both).

Recently, I have noticed a trend which really bothers me for wedding and baby showers...having two to three showers. This seems excessive and what is more bothersome is when you are invited to two or more showers, you are still expected to bring a gift to both.

I personally cannot afford that, so I choose not to attend any showers beyond the first one.