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tlschmier
06-06-2009, 09:23 PM
My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

Costumesaremylife
06-06-2009, 09:28 PM
The wedding is to celebrate their marriage. Get them anything you would like to that you think is appropriate for your budget.

I think that poem is ridiculous. If they have everything that they need, but need money then perhaps they should have had a smaller wedding.

brymolmom
06-06-2009, 09:31 PM
That is a very tough one and am not sure what I would do. But that poem would likely turn me off and I would hesitate I think to give my usual amount. I guess if $25 is what you can afford - and if they wrote 'amount doesn't matter' - well then I would hope they would MEAN just that - so I would give the $25. Maybe you could do something cute with it - like wrap it up really cute or put it inside some sort of hand made (by you or go to a craft show) container - maybe etched or painted with the date of their wedding and the names or something similar. That way you won't feel like you're 'only' giving that amount. They'll have a momento to cherish long after the cash is gone.

I am a very practical person and got several unused and wasted wedding gifts, but I just don't think I could do that poem in my invitation.

kpadalik
06-06-2009, 09:34 PM
My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

I think that is sooooo tacky :scared: when someone asks for $$ on their wedding invitation (even if it's elegantly worded). When people do that, I usually don't give them money. The bride and groom should be grateful for WHATEVER they receive - whether it be money or a gift. I would give them what you would like to give them. I completely agree w/ you about the whole savvy shopper thing - I'm the same way. They should realize that with the economy today, someone would rather buy something on sale. I usually spend around $50 on a wedding gift...if I was to give money - $50. If I was to get a gift - $50 worth, but using coupons, sales, discounts, etc., I may only spend $35 or $40.
Did you check to see if maybe they registered somewhere? If not, give em what you feel is appropriate - whether it be money or a gift. :)

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-06-2009, 09:39 PM
How about this? :rotfl2:

http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-Dummies-Psychology-Self-Help/dp/0470106727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244338262&sr=1-1

I must admit I'd be inclined to give anything but money since they put the poem in there :rolleyes:, but I definitely think you shouldn't spend any more than you can afford regardless of whether you give money or a gift. The invitation was totally tacky - a wedding is not a money grub.

If it was someone I didn't know that well, I wouldn't give money anyway, but I would give money to family (maybe not if they did the poem, though!). What is the norm where you live? My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

I'm guessing you are going to the wedding? If not, I'd just send a nice card with best wishes. If you're going, I'd pick out a gift that you think the couple would appreciate and that you are happy with. Don't let yourself feel extorted for money.

Illuminations_Rocks
06-06-2009, 09:59 PM
Just get them a gift. You have a budget just as they do. I happen to LOVE the Tupperware my cousin got me for my wedding, and while I appreciated all the money people gave, that Tupperware gets sooo much use!

While I don't think it was really appropriate to include, I think they were just trying to get the majority of people who would just go pick out anything to give them money instead of expensive gifts they won't use. I'm sure they wouldn't think badly of someone giving a gift, they just don't want to be overrun with them.

I got married last year. Where I grew up the norm is to give cash at the wedding (gifts at the shower). I got gifts from 5 people, and had about 85 couples at the wedding. I was grateful for it all (and 3 of the 5 people were not from the area where I grew up so it is likely the norm where they live is gifts, also these people were out of town so didn't come to the shower).

Just because people are young doesn't mean they don't have household things, especially if they weren't living with their families. But a nice blanket, tupperware, seasonal dishes or decorations, etc, are always nice.

derocas
06-06-2009, 10:01 PM
My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

:) Yes, I'm from NJ and I think it is customary to cover your plate. To be honest I thought that was a universal rule, I didn't realize that it was a NJ thing. On the other hand, it is very tacky to send out an invitation expecting money. I would be so turned off!!!!
I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She was invited to a spur of the moment wedding. The couple had two children and were living together for several years. They decided to get married and have a "wedding" when money was tight. At least that was her perception. Anyway, her solution was since the couple expected money she gave it to them, in the form of a savings bond. If they wanted the full value they had to wait several years......... Just a thought.

mc'smommy
06-06-2009, 10:02 PM
If they have all they need, then I suggest they have a best wishes only wedding..LOL
Get them what you can afford, and go have a GREAT time.

mrsklamc
06-06-2009, 10:04 PM
What does 'cover your plate' mean?

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-06-2009, 10:08 PM
What does 'cover your plate' mean?

Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

mrsklamc
06-06-2009, 10:12 PM
I think in your circumstances they should get squat unless you are very, very close and/or WANT to get them something. Gifts shouldn't be given out of guilt, and if they're going to look down on you after that tacky, tacky, tacky poem....

tnd
06-06-2009, 10:13 PM
I'd give what you can afford. A $25 giftcard for a place like Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond is perfectly acceptable. Don't feel like you need to give more because of their poem (super tacky BTW).

mrsklamc
06-06-2009, 10:13 PM
Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

Good for you!!!

raftislander
06-06-2009, 10:44 PM
It was not appropriate for the couple to include the poem. Just as it is not appropriate to include cards that indicate where a person is registered with the wedding invitation. A wedding invitation is not supposed to be a solicitation for gifts or $$. I would advise you to do exactly what you would have done if the poem had not been included.

Disneyliscious
06-06-2009, 11:14 PM
You can combine giving them "money" and a "gift" all in one.

Buy them a 2009 United States Mint Presidential $1 Coin Proof Set from the US Mint for $14.95. They are getting married in 2009 so it fits. Its also legal tender so if they chose, they could take them out of the case and spend them (although it would be very unwise...lol). It also lets yo spend less than $25 since you are already on a budget.

We always give things like this as gifts. Its an item that has significant meaning and its still real money.

Have you ever seen a "Proof" coin? They are absolutely beautiful! They are un-circulated so they have never been touched by human hands. They are struck with a 'brilliant' finish twice which makes them just shine with luster.

Also, although there is no way to tell ahead of time, many of these coins increase a great deal in value. My father purchases the Silver Eagles (they are pure silver and generally run around $30-$40 a coin). He just sold some on eBay for $120 not too long ago because when the value of a dollar went down, precious metals went up....and silver is a precious metal.

Here is a link to the set I was talking about:

http://catalog.usmint.gov/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10001&storeId=10001&productId=14730&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=10211

This is the 2nd or 3rd set in this series.....but the US Mint website has may first time issues and choices which make GREAT, meaningful gifts.

www.usmint.gov

WeLoveLilo05
06-06-2009, 11:39 PM
My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

My cousin included that poem in her invite and my parents were really upset. What made it even worse for them was the fact that *I* was not invited because *I* would not be able to "cover my plate" (just had a daughter, and we were just getting by on one salary, we found out a few months after they were married that this was the reason). My sister and brother both were invited though.

In all seriousness...give what you can....personally I would never ask for money, I would feel like I am putting people in a really weird position. If anyone dares to question you, tell them to mind their own business.

veraletta
06-07-2009, 01:32 AM
I think the 2009 United States Mint Presidential $1 Coin Proof Set from the US Mint for $14.95 would really be a nice gift as Disneyliscious said.
it is the year they are getting married.
I know that someone got this for my grandson the year he was born and we all loved it. I think its nice to get a gift that someone put a lot of time and thought in it. My grandson is now 10 and he loved the gift.

Bill and Jen
06-07-2009, 02:14 AM
For anyone that finds it offensive the best thing to do is respectfully offer your regrets you are unable to attend for whatever reason.

P.S. NJ is def not the only cover your plate state. Here in MA or at least my family, friends, co-workers suscribe to the same mentality.(I think this is more important now then it used to be because more and more the wedding is paid for by the couple, not the parents.)

Right now we give $125 for a wedding, being your average wedding at a decent hall with decent food is about 50-60 dollars a head. (We don't give more for crazy blowout weddings though, don't feel we should pay more because they had the wedding at the country club!)

NeverlandClub23
06-07-2009, 02:57 AM
I think it is tacky but I can certainly understand where they are coming from (only from a too many gifts we don't need standpoint). I think if it were me I would've worded it not to worry about a gift at all. As well intentioned as people are I've seen several brides I know end up with a room full of "stuff" they feel obligated to keep (even with bridal registries many of them ended up with doubles and triples of things).

Also, in general when I attend weddings I give a cash gift of half of what the "per plate" charge would be (I've gotten pretty good at guessing!) for myself and the whole plate fee for my date (if one is allowed). I figure they were nice enough to let me bring someone I actually know the least I can do is pay for him (even if their parents paid for the wedding)! I prefer to get cash or gift cards at every occasion. I've remembered what I bought with money people have given me for almost everything. IMHO, a newlywed couple can put to better use cash or gift cards than they can the two pillow cases, toothpaste holder, $30 stainless steel tumbler, and washcloth I would buy them from their registry at Bed, Bath, & Beyond :).

BTW, I like the idea of the savings bond! :thumbsup2

buzz5985
06-07-2009, 03:35 AM
My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

:) Yes, I'm from NJ and I think it is customary to cover your plate. To be honest I thought that was a universal rule, I didn't realize that it was a NJ thing. On the other hand, it is very tacky to send out an invitation expecting money. I would be so turned off!!!!
I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She was invited to a spur of the moment wedding. The couple had two children and were living together for several years. They decided to get married and have a "wedding" when money was tight. At least that was her perception. Anyway, her solution was since the couple expected money she gave it to them, in the form of a savings bond. If they wanted the full value they had to wait several years......... Just a thought.

I'm from Boston and this is what we do. So if I were to give a gift today - it would be for $150 - $200, depending on if it was a relation or not. We give household gifts as Bridal Shower gifts I would spend $50 non-relation, $75-$100 relative - depending on how much I like you. LOL I can't remember going to a wedding in the last 10 years that I saw any gifts.

If I can't afford to go to a wedding - I just don't go. This happened when a cousin was getting married out of state. I would have had to rent a room, transportation costs, etc would have cost us over $500. But I still send a gift of at least $100.

I just wanted to add that I was married in 1985. I received one wedding gift - a hand sculpted vase, the rest was cash. The average was between $25 - $35 per couple. I had paid $10.95/plate for sirloin dinner. So even back then - people were paying per plate.

P.I. Squirrel
06-07-2009, 03:53 AM
To me, a wedding should be more a celebration than gifts. DW and I did not mention gifts at all, we simply wanted our friends to be there. When some got us gifts, we met with each of them personally to thank them, big or small.

As far as the 'cover your plate' goes, I've seen some weddings cost upwards of 100 grand. Anyone priced a Disney wedding lately? A wedding invitation is just what it says, not a solicitation to cover the cost of the wedding.

Like a previous post said, if they solicit cash donations, they need a more affordable wedding.

greenpea89
06-07-2009, 04:17 AM
We have received several wedding invitations with poems requesting money as a gift over the past few years. While I was a little shocked when we first started getting them, and I have to be honest and say that it still seems a little crass, I do understand it and feel it is actually the most practical gift option. Many couples we know use the money as part of the downpayment for their home or as savings for the future. If you can only afford $25- then that's what I would give and I wouldn't worry about it again. In fact, personally, I would think of it as a time saver and let it go. We also subscribe to the "cover your plate" guideline but you should do what makes you most comfortable.

lspst8
06-07-2009, 07:38 AM
OMG ... that is so tacky. You shouldn't mention gifts at all in any type of invitation. I would either skip the wedding and just send a card or go and definately not give money .... you should be able to get them a nice etiquette book for under $25! I recommend Miss Manners :rotfl:

Disneyjamie
06-07-2009, 07:47 AM
I disagree with most posts here. Sure the poem is a bit tacky, but so many people give gifts that just turn out to be chores (returning them, etc.) or unused (so a waste of money of the person buying the gift) that money is the practical way to go. So you only give $25 - that is not as bad as buying a $25 gift that retails at $50 but is never used AND most people know with coupons/sales, etc., that retail price is not paid. Do not feel like you have to look like you are giving a $50 gift for $25 to not be embarrassed. Give the $25 money gift to make it easier on the couple in the long run. I know from my own wedding that I would have wanted the $25 over some unusual serving trays that when I returned to the store, turned out to be around $18. Plus, giving cash is easiest to you as well not having to go to a store to buy the gift.

arielsleepingbeauty
06-07-2009, 08:10 AM
I agree a wedding is to celebrate their marriage. People should be invited because the couple want them to share the greatest moment of their lives, not because of the presents.
Well hallelujah, they have everything they need. That is awesome. Everyone I know could use money, but i think it is beyond tacky to send something like that in a wedding invitation. That is so improper. I would be embarassed to send such a thing.
I think that the OP should give based on what is appropriate for the OP family. If $25.00 is all you can give then that is fine. If the couple don't appreciate the sacrifice you made for YOUR family on their behalf, then they are just spoiled brats and who cares.
Some couples today should definately take time to understand what weddings are really about. If they cannot pay for their wedding before the actual wedding, they they cannot afford that kind of wedding. Couples should not rely on the money they get from their wedding to pay for it.

derocas
06-07-2009, 08:17 AM
I'm from Boston and this is what we do. So if I were to give a gift today - it would be for $150 - $200, depending on if it was a relation or not. We give household gifts as Bridal Shower gifts I would spend $50 non-relation, $75-$100 relative - depending on how much I like you. LOL I can't remember going to a wedding in the last 10 years that I saw any gifts.

If I can't afford to go to a wedding - I just don't go. This happened when a cousin was getting married out of state. I would have had to rent a room, transportation costs, etc would have cost us over $500. But I still send a gift of at least $100.

I just wanted to add that I was married in 1985. I received one wedding gift - a hand sculpted vase, the rest was cash. The average was between $25 - $35 per couple. I had paid $10.95/plate for sirloin dinner. So even back then - people were paying per plate.

Yes, this is pretty much what we do. Glad to here that it's not just a "NJ" thing. I agree that the whole cover your plate is because now a days most couples pay for their own wedding.

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 08:20 AM
Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

Those of us in "cover your plate" land would have done the same thing.:confused3

It's common to give family the same amount regardless of the venue.

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 08:39 AM
Give enough money for a wedding gift to cover what the bride and groom paid for your dinner. I gave the same $ to my niece who had a blowout destination wedding with formal sit down dinner and strawberries dressed like tuxedos that I gave to my other niece who had her reception in a multi-purpose room at a local park. It's totally up to them how much they want to spend on their wedding (in both cases), but I am not going to subsidize the niece with expensive tastes over the niece who chose a simple wedding - JMHO.

I'm in NJ, and would give the same, too - $300. OP, give what you want - the invitation was beyond tacky.

maddiesmom0116
06-07-2009, 08:42 AM
How about this? :rotfl2:

http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-Dummies-Psychology-Self-Help/dp/0470106727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244338262&sr=1-1

I must admit I'd be inclined to give anything but money since they put the poem in there :rolleyes:, but I definitely think you shouldn't spend any more than you can afford regardless of whether you give money or a gift. The invitation was totally tacky - a wedding is not a money grub.

If it was someone I didn't know that well, I wouldn't give money anyway, but I would give money to family (maybe not if they did the poem, though!). What is the norm where you live? My NJ relatives totally expect money to be given as a wedding gift and subscribe to the "cover your plate" mentality (which is a whole 'nother discussion), but in the south, people typically give household items.

I'm guessing you are going to the wedding? If not, I'd just send a nice card with best wishes. If you're going, I'd pick out a gift that you think the couple would appreciate and that you are happy with. Don't let yourself feel extorted for money.
:rotfl2:
I second this one! You need to send this to them. It is unbelievably tacky to send any fashion of a gift request with your invitation. This couple or any couple that would do this deserve to get this book. I would skip the wedding and if was a relative or close friend I would tell them how tacky it is. If a couple choses to spend $40 or $100+ a head for the dinner, it is their choice and they should not expect their "guests" to cover the cost of their meal with their gift, that would make them a restaurant not a wedding. I usually give my friends and relatives a $100 or more depending on relationship as a wedding present but not to cover my plate.
I am sorry that you have been put in this position. I would find something else you have to do that day and then if you feel you need to send them a gift, send them a gift card to a restaurant with a card, you can cover their plate.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 08:42 AM
Those of us in "cover your plate" land would have done the same thing.:confused3

It's common to give family the same amount regardless of the venue.

I'm not passing judgment on the cover your plate thing - I'm just saying that depending where the OP is, it might not be the norm that you give money to cover your plate. Where we live, it is much more common to give items from the registry than give cash. Wedding gifts are based on what you can afford and not a subsidy to pay for the wedding. No need to take offense. :confused3

DisneyokwSSR
06-07-2009, 08:46 AM
In these situations I usually give a bond. The "face value" is double what you paid (Your $25 will puchase a gift of a $50 bond) and in the upcoming years they will appreciate being able to cash it in when they purchase a house or have children.

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 08:55 AM
I'm not passing judgment on the cover your plate thing - I'm just saying that depending where the OP is, it might not be the norm that you give money to cover your plate. Where we live, it is much more common to give items from the registry than give cash. Wedding gifts are based on what you can afford and not a subsidy to pay for the wedding. No need to take offense. :confused3

I didn't think you were passing judgment.

I was just stating that even here we would give family members the same amount regardless of the venue.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 09:04 AM
I didn't think you were passing judgment.

I was just stating that even here we would give family members the same amount regardless of the venue.

I understand - thanks! :goodvibes I remember my niece from NJ (the one who did the blowout wedding) saying she expected her wedding gifts to pay for her wedding since she expected all cash. I think it is just a regional thing. My niece who just got married in SC (with the multi-purpose room) registered for reasonably priced things (and some expensive ones) and the wedding table was filled with gifts. At my NJ niece's wedding -there wasn't a single present - just a wishing well for checks. I'd never seen that before, but I think it is pretty common in the Northeast. It may be common everywhere but the Carolinas - I don't know.

Anyway, whether my friends got married on the beach and had an oyster roast or got had a reception at the country club with a band and horse drawn carriage, my gift would be the same - something in my price range from their registry. I couldn't hope to cover the plate at the CC reception, but I would still want to go to the wedding if they were good friends and they wanted me there.

OP, I'd give what you would normally give to someone that is as close to you as this bride and groom are, and I wouldn't worry about it!

derocas
06-07-2009, 09:10 AM
I understand - thanks! :goodvibes I remember my niece from NJ (the one who did the blowout wedding) saying she expected her wedding gifts to pay for her wedding since she expected all cash. I think it is just a regional thing. My niece who just got married in SC (with the multi-purpose room) registered for reasonably priced things (and some expensive ones) and the wedding table was filled with gifts. At my NJ niece's wedding -there wasn't a single present - just a wishing well for checks. I'd never seen that before, but I think it is pretty common in the Northeast. It may be common everywhere but the Carolinas - I don't know.

Anyway, whether my friends got married on the beach and had an oyster roast or got had a reception at the country club with a band and horse drawn carriage, my gift would be the same - something in my price range from their registry. I couldn't hope to cover the plate at the CC reception, but I would still want to go to the wedding if they were good friends and they wanted me there.

OP, I'd give what you would normally give to someone that is as close to you as this bride and groom are, and I wouldn't worry about it!

I didn't take any offense to it either. I just thought it was funny since I had the perception that "covering your plate" was the norm only to read this thread and learn that it wasn't. I was starting to think that maybe it was indeed a Jersey thing.:) I wasn't in anyway offended.

kaytieeldr
06-07-2009, 09:47 AM
I'd give what you can afford. A $25 giftcard for a place like Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond is perfectly acceptable. Don't feel like you need to give more because of their poem (super tacky BTW).
And if you can get a deal on the gift card somehow, even better ;)

debsays
06-07-2009, 09:56 AM
If I were in that situation I would do one of two things. One, RSVP 0 attend or look for a nice gift at like Macy's, etc. that's on sale/markdown that fits your means. I would think that your presence would mean more than a gift. It's priceless no value can determine the presence of a family member, good friend, etc. You have to do what's best for you.

zachnsamsmommy
06-07-2009, 10:01 AM
Let me preface this by saying I'm from the South and have always lived here...

I've never heard of 'cover your plate'...and could never imagine spending more than $50 on a wedding gift, and the $50 would be close family. Also, most weddings around here are not that expensive...and I have never been to a wedding with an open bar or alcoholic drinks...period. I had a very nice wedding 11 years ago that cost $5000. But I digress...

I have given money or checks before, but not very often. Usually if there is no registry, or I can't attend and just send money. I usually buy a gift. And I do think a poem about giving money is just plain tacky. Do what you would have done had there not been the poem included IMO.

EthansMom
06-07-2009, 10:19 AM
I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. The whole "give the bride and groom $$$ to cover the expense of their reception" is very much a Northeast (NJ, NY, CT, MA) thing. Pretty much every other place I've lived, a gift, even a modest one, is perfectly acceptable.

OP, do you want/need to attend this wedding? If it's for a close family member, then you'll likely want to go. If it's for the kid of an acqaintance, then you could certainly send your regrets.

Despite the request for cash, there is nothing wrong with giving a gift that is affordable to you. I recommend looking around for something nice you think they will actually use. You could even post a thread asking for advice for reasonably priced gifts.

One of my friends loves to give the couple a honeymoon basket (bottle of wine, cheese, chocolate... everything for two) to take with them on their honeymoon night.

There are only a few gifts DH and I still use regularly from our wedding 10 years ago. One is the waffle maker some friends of my parents gave us. Another is the Wilton Armetale charger plate that my Aunt and Uncle gave us. Neither of these gifts was really expensive, but both were GREAT gifts.

Ciao Mickey
06-07-2009, 10:26 AM
My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

Just because you are invited to a wedding does not mean you have to attend.

Is there going to be a reception? In what type of venue will it be held?

I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?

If they are ballsy enough to include a money grabbing poem with the invite, I can't imagine how they would feel about you giving that amount.

Times are tough for too many people. Stay home and send a nice card with your regrets. Keep your money because it sounds like you can use it more.

granmanh603
06-07-2009, 11:31 AM
Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.:goodvibes

Coll0610
06-07-2009, 11:38 AM
I grew up in Chicago and we usually used the cost of the meal as a guideline for wedding gifts (although I don't remember hearing the term "cover your plate"). I seem to remember from reading the etiquette books that if you were going to give a gift (not cash) you should have it sent to the bride's house ahead of time. Of course, that was probably from the days when the bride was still living with her parents and someone was home to receive the deliveries. I do know that it is easier for the couple if they don't have to deal with a bunch of gifts at the wedding. Envelopes are a lot easier to take with you than a bunch of boxes.

I now live in Central Illinois and I see more gifts at the wedding receptions than I did in Chicago. Of course the receptions are also smaller and cash bars (or no alcohol) are much more common. I think a lot of those things are definitely regional.

ilovejack02
06-07-2009, 11:50 AM
Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.:goodvibes

I would give a gift card to the store that they were registered.

tlschmier
06-07-2009, 11:51 AM
I am actually wondering if there is even a plate to cover? It is at 2pm, so I am thinking maybe Cake only? Anyways, out here it is mostly registery gifts, not money. My wedding I did get some money, bt gifts were the norm. Interesting how it is in different parts.

Costumesaremylife
06-07-2009, 11:56 AM
Just because you are invited to a wedding does not mean you have to attend.

Is there going to be a reception? In what type of venue will it be held?

I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?

If they are ballsy enough to include a money grabbing poem with the invite, I can't imagine how they would feel about you giving that amount.

Times are tough for too many people. Stay home and send a nice card with your regrets. Keep your money because it sounds like you can use it more.

I understand that you would feel embarrased to go to an expensive wedding and give a small amount of money, but the wedding being expensive isn't for your benefit. It's a party that the bride and groom wanted to throw, you (meaning all guests) shouldn't have to subsidize it. I too come from the cover your plate land, but I'm not about to go broke eating the same chicken dinner at a posh place, versus a local american legion hall. I give something I think the couple will like and use.

derocas
06-07-2009, 11:56 AM
Sorry not to hijack this thread but I have a question we were invited to the wedding of a niece's son in Florida, have not seen them lately except for another neice's wedding 5 years ago, would not know him if I walked by him some where, anyway we live in NH and will not be going down to Fl in July for the wedding( is that OK?) and if not what would be an acceptable gift? Thanks for any help.:goodvibes

If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 12:24 PM
I didn't take any offense to it either. I just thought it was funny since I had the perception that "covering your plate" was the norm only to read this thread and learn that it wasn't. I was starting to think that maybe it was indeed a Jersey thing.:) I wasn't in anyway offended.

I just call it a "Jersey" thing since my sister lives in NJ and I learrned about the whole cover your plate thing when her kids got married. It's probably more accurate to call it a Northeast thing, or maybe a big city thing? It is interesting how regional customs are so different, and it becomes apparent when you have family and friends in different parts of the country.

granmanh603
06-07-2009, 12:36 PM
If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

Thank you for answering. I was feeling kinda funny about this and wondering if what I was doing was right but plane fare, room etc in July did just not want to do for a relative that recently saw only once. So you think just mailing a gift would be OK....does anyone know the norm for a relative gift is in Fl (central near Orlando I think the reception was in Lake Mary) ? Thanks again. Carol

MrsPete
06-07-2009, 12:49 PM
Let me preface this by saying I'm from the South and have always lived here...

I've never heard of 'cover your plate'...and could never imagine spending more than $50 on a wedding gift, and the $50 would be close family. Also, most weddings around here are not that expensive...and I have never been to a wedding with an open bar or alcoholic drinks...period. I had a very nice wedding 11 years ago that cost $5000. But I digress...

I have given money or checks before, but not very often. Usually if there is no registry, or I can't attend and just send money. I usually buy a gift. And I do think a poem about giving money is just plain tacky. Do what you would have done had there not been the poem included IMO.Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come. I know I am going to get flamed and roasted, but the truth is, I would be embarassed to attend a wedding held at an expensive place and then give $25 for two people attending. KWIM?Nope, I don't have a clue what you mean.

The bride and groom decide what kind of wedding they want -- big and elaborate, small and intimate. They choose what they are willing to spend. That's all within their range of choice.

You, the guest, decide how much you want to spend upon the couple. If it's someone from work whom you know in passing, it may not be much. If it's a close family member, it's going to be considerably more. What you choose to give is in no way tied to the kind of wedding they're having.

Don't believe me? Here's a test: Let's say you're invited to two weddings. One is a co-worker whom you've known for six months. You like the guy, have met his bride a couple times, and you're happy they're getting married. They're having a lavish wedding, and the reception is going to be held at a restaurant you know is expensive. The second wedding is your niece, whom you've known since the day she was born. You've loved her since she was a baby, you've been to her soccer games and her school plays and her dance recitals, you've spent significant time with this girl as she was growing up, and you're thrilled to see her tie the knot with a fine young man. Low on funds, they've chosen to hold the wedding in her parents' backyard, and you know that they're planning a modest meal.

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

rebster
06-07-2009, 12:59 PM
Well, I got married a couple of years ago, and some people gave us nothing and some people gave us tons of cash. Honestly, I can't remember who gave what anymore because it didn't matter...it is just that having all of those people there to celebrate with us is what really mattered. We never asked for money or told people where we were registered unless they asked though...that just seemed really tacky to me. Though some people think that just getting a wedding invitation is asking for a gift (I was criticized for this by someone who couldn't afford to come to the wedding because it was in another state and I felt really bad...I had no idea that it would come across that way).

Anyway, Just give what you can and what you want to give. I got cards with nothing in them, and I still have those tucked away somewhere. We are all in different situations and hopefully the bride and groom arn't too focused on money.

dizkids
06-07-2009, 01:07 PM
,Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

NO WAY! ...Niece all the way... she means more.

I live in NJ and i think its embarrassing when you hear about cover your plate. The thought of investigating the cost per plate to begin with is nauseating. Most of the weddings i have been to are top of the line fancy as can be and each time i go to one it seems like they just "out-do" the last one. I am used to giving the big money but its usually because its a family member, but even that has its limit.

OP i think the invite is tacky to mention giving money. If $25 cash is the gift then $25 cash is the gift.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 01:09 PM
If you feel the need to send anything I would chose a gift from the registry and just mail it to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with not attending. I also don't think that you are obligated to even send a gift That's just my opinion. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure that they understand if you chose not to attend.

Totally agree with this. There is nothing wrong with declining a wedding invitation - it is not a court summons. ;) It would cost a lot for you to get there (unless you could piggyback a Disney trip onto the wedding trip! :thumbsup2). As far as a gift, I would also purchase something from their registry and have it sent directly to them. You can also check Amazon, Ross-Simons and Macy's if you are looking for a good price on their place settings, etc (or use a 20% off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond). I have been known to buy a registry item from a store where they are not registered, particularly if it is something they can use multiples of. As far as a gift amount, I'd spend what you would spend for a not-close family member - that would probably vary a lot on this thread.

I would send a gift even if I didn't attend since it is family. I wouldn't necessarily send a gift to a wedding I'm not attending if it was an acquaintance or not very close friend.

wall*e2008
06-07-2009, 01:25 PM
Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

You are misunderstanding the concept and to call it silly is just rude. First you do not know what the plate actually cost. You are trying to cover what a nice meal out would have cost you. In your case I would give the niece more money and I might also not attend the first wedding.

derocas
06-07-2009, 01:32 PM
[QUOTE=MrsPete;32169310]Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come.

I respectfully disagree. I don't consider gifts the "nicer" thing to do. I reserve my gifts for the bridal shower and I give cash for the wedding.

MAH4546
06-07-2009, 01:41 PM
I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. The whole "give the bride and groom $$$ to cover the expense of their reception" is very much a Northeast (NJ, NY, CT, MA) thing. Pretty much every other place I've lived, a gift, even a modest one, is perfectly acceptable.


It's a big city thing. It's the norm in California, South Florida, etc. I always give a gift based on "cover the plate," which usually means $300-$500.

However, I don't care if it was put in a poem, to place even the slightest suggestion that the gift should be cash? Rude, obnoxious and a total lack of the most basic manners.

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 01:47 PM
Don't believe me? Here's a test: Let's say you're invited to two weddings. One is a co-worker whom you've known for six months. You like the guy, have met his bride a couple times, and you're happy they're getting married. They're having a lavish wedding, and the reception is going to be held at a restaurant you know is expensive. The second wedding is your niece, whom you've known since the day she was born. You've loved her since she was a baby, you've been to her soccer games and her school plays and her dance recitals, you've spent significant time with this girl as she was growing up, and you're thrilled to see her tie the knot with a fine young man. Low on funds, they've chosen to hold the wedding in her parents' backyard, and you know that they're planning a modest meal.

Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

I always give family more.:confused3

If I could not give the coworker a gift I felt comfortable with, then I wouldn't attend the wedding. I would give him a card with a cash gift. Just not as much as I would have given if I attended the wedding.

mrsklamc
06-07-2009, 01:54 PM
[QUOTE=MrsPete;32169310]Also being Southern, I always give a GIFT. Here it's considered "nicer" to have put the effort into what the person wants and will appreciate for years. Money comes and goes, and it's quickly forgotten. Well-chosen wedding gifts are a memory of the day for years to come.

I respectfully disagree. I don't consider gifts the "nicer" thing to do. I reserve my gifts for the bridal shower and I give cash for the wedding.

She said it's considered nicer where she lives, not overall.

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 02:02 PM
[QUOTE=derocas;32169698]

She said it's considered nicer where she lives, not overall.

She also said giving large cash gifts is silly - here, it is not silly, it is the custom. However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

mrsklamc
06-07-2009, 02:07 PM
[QUOTE=mrsklamc;32169905]

She also said giving large cash gifts is silly - here, it is not silly, it is the custom. However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 02:10 PM
[QUOTE=mjkacmom;32170000]

She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

Around here, you'd feel very silly giving a couple $25 for a formal wedding - just as you'd feel silly showing up in a pair of jeans and a tshirt, because you didn't have a dress.

allison443
06-07-2009, 02:21 PM
[QUOTE=mrsklamc;32169905]

However, you do give more to those you are close to, so a family backyard wedding would still get big bucks (not that I've ever even heard of anyone having a backyard wedding - not even a firehall wedding or an Elk's wedding). And no one researches the cost of a particular wedding.

I live in the northeast, I have a huge extended family and also have never heard of anyone having a wedding in a backyard, firehall or elks club. I have heard of communions/kids birthday parties/graduations at those locations though. :)

I give/spend $25 for a kid's birthday gift. I would definitely give much more for a wedding, and a family wedding gets the most, no matter the location. However I understand things are different in different areas. I find that interesting-I wouldn't criticize someone else's custom and say my custom is better, or theirs is silly. :confused3 It's just what it is.

Edited to say, my quoting got messed up-the above is from mjkacmom. Sorry!

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 02:27 PM
She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.

It doesn't seem silly to us because it's the norm here.

I know it's normal to mail out graduation announcements in some areas. That is unheard of here. I think it's a passive aggressive way to beg for money. I'm sure there are many DISers that would disagree with me.

allison443
06-07-2009, 02:30 PM
Would you really give MORE to your co-worker than you would to your niece? If not, then you have to agree that the cover-your-plate concept -- though all but set in stone in some areas -- is just plain silly. You give what you' want to give based upon the recipients, not the day's events.

I believe those that adhere to the "cover your plate" concept consider the "plate cost" a minimum, kwim? You can give more (like much more to your niece who had a low-cost wedding) but shouldn't give less.
Do you believe we are discussing this like it is a formalized set of rules? ;) I think everyone should do what they want. Of course this is going to be somewhat influenced by customs/cultures.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 02:34 PM
It doesn't seem silly to us because it's the norm here.

I know it's normal to mail out graduation announcements in some areas. That is unheard of here. I think it's a passive aggressive way to beg for money. I'm sure there are many DISers that would disagree with me.

I was totally guilty of that. I sent a college graduation announcement to my then-boyfriend's parents. I wasn't asking for a gift, but I thought I was supposed to send announcements. I was shocked when they sent me a gift, but my BF was like - you sent them an announcement, what did you expect? Lesson learned! :headache: Fortunately, I only sent them to my family and to his parents, but had I recognized what I was doing, I wouldn't have sent them at all. Now I know better for when my kids graduate. I was the first in my family to graduate college - we were clueless. :rotfl:

granmanh603
06-07-2009, 02:36 PM
Totally agree with this. There is nothing wrong with declining a wedding invitation - it is not a court summons. ;) It would cost a lot for you to get there (unless you could piggyback a Disney trip onto the wedding trip! :thumbsup2). As far as a gift, I would also purchase something from their registry and have it sent directly to them. You can also check Amazon, Ross-Simons and Macy's if you are looking for a good price on their place settings, etc (or use a 20% off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond). I have been known to buy a registry item from a store where they are not registered, particularly if it is something they can use multiples of. As far as a gift amount, I'd spend what you would spend for a not-close family member - that would probably vary a lot on this thread.

I would send a gift even if I didn't attend since it is family. I wouldn't necessarily send a gift to a wedding I'm not attending if it was an acquaintance or not very close friend.

Yeah I would like to do that...but not in July heat and busy season!!! and we are already booked for Oct, so that also would be spending extra money on the airfare that we have to already spend in Oct. If it was in Oct I would have gone. Anyway thanks for the support...and a gift it will be now all I have to do is find out what is the "going rate" in Orlando Fl area. :goodvibes

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 02:41 PM
I believe those that adhere to the "cover your plate" concept consider the "plate cost" a minimum, kwim? You can give more (like much more to your niece who had a low-cost wedding) but shouldn't give less.
Do you believe we are discussing this like it is a formalized set of rules? ;) I think everyone should do what they want. Of course this is going to be somewhat influenced by customs/cultures.

Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 02:56 PM
Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.

I, personally, wouldn't go if I didn't have the $. However, what people also need to keep in mind is that, because of the high COL, and higher salaries, $300 here is not worth what $300 is in other areas. When starter homes cost $500,000, it's nice to help the couple out.

kimisabella
06-07-2009, 03:27 PM
Not to completely throw this thread off topic, but I do find this really interesting. A PP said if s/he couldn't afford to attend a wedding, s/he wouldn't go. If you can't afford to cover the meal (like if it is a blowout kind of wedding), would you just not go at all? I guess that way the bride and groom are off the hook for your meal, but it seems a shame to not go if you are close to someone. I couldn't have afforded $150 x 2 when my friends were getting married, and I wouldn't spend it now except for family.

It is usually not an issue around here - weddings here are rarely sit down dinners like my family in NJ goes to all the time, but it seems like it would be incredibly expensive if you were expected to drop a couple of hundred dollars for each friend and coworker whose wedding you went to. We are invited to a cousin's wedding next month that will be an expensive country club wedding, but it is out of town and the kids aren't invited, so I doubt we will go.


If we couldn't afford to give an appropriate gift to the couple, we would not go to the wedding. Two weeks ago we went to a wedding of the daughter of my dh's co-worker. We have never met the couple, ever - but we went and gave $300 as a gift. Basically all of the catering halls/country clubs are around the same per-person cost, so we all know how much a wedding is. We would feel uncomfortable if we went to this wedding, knowing full well how much it cost, and weren't able to give what we consider an appropriate gift.

Next month my sister is getting married - all 4 of us are in the bridal party, it has cost us a fortune so far, and we haven't even gotten to the actual wedding day. Wedding in this area are big $$$$.

natnelliesmom
06-07-2009, 03:31 PM
When my husband and I got married (and we didn't even register for gifts, never mind a cutesy gimme money poem), my cousins gave us a wonderful gift that we still cherish. They were on a very tight budget at the time and no gift at all would have been fine!
They took our invitation and matted it and framed it. The frame is inexpensive and I'm sure they found the matching matt, standard size, at a craft store and put it all together themselves. They did use brown paper to glue around the back of the frame and attached a hook for hanging.
I just feel like they took the time and love to make us this special gift. We'll be married for 10 years this August and we have moved 3 times since our wedding. The picture is still hanging in our home.

So... just a thought for a gift idea. I am sure you could put it together for under $10.00 and it would cost waaay more if you had if professionally done.
-Sarah

natnelliesmom
06-07-2009, 03:39 PM
Basically all of the catering halls/country clubs are around the same per-person cost, so we all know how much a wedding is. We would feel uncomfortable if we went to this wedding, knowing full well how much it cost, and weren't able to give what we consider an appropriate gift.
.

So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

8esther8
06-07-2009, 03:48 PM
This is a really facinating discussion. I've lived in the South the last 21 years, and I've never heard of the "cover the plate" thing. I'd probably never pay more than $30. for a gift, unless it was a really close family member. And I can't think of anyone who would feel any differently. Hopefully, you $300. people don't have weddings very often! If I was the OP, I'd give a nice gift card to Home Depot. Everyone could use that.

Belle5
06-07-2009, 03:48 PM
So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah
The problem with what you're saying is it's too logical...:rotfl:

8esther8
06-07-2009, 03:52 PM
So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!


What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

Very, very well said, Sarah. And I'd still pretty much pay $30., no matter who was getting married. ;)

kimisabella
06-07-2009, 04:01 PM
So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

Seems to me if the wedding is a big blowout affair, then that's the personal choice of the bride/groom and their family. They can obviously afford it and shouldn't spend the money if they are expecting each guest to then give them a gift in the amount of their dinner's cost!! You may as well just send each guest a bill!

What a funny idea! You invite people that you want to spend your special day with, as a way to show your appreciation and recognize their love in your lives as you become husband and wife. At no point should the amount of a gift come into question! That's just purely selfish.

-Sarah

I never remember saying that - why don't you re-read the first sentence of my post.
I have never been, and will probably never go to an outdoor wedding in this area - it just doesn't happen. If I did - I would give the gift based on the relationship I had with the couple - if I couldn't afford it the gift - WHEREVER the reception was to be held - we wouldn't go.

This issue comes up every week, it's really getting OLD. It's always the same thing - the northeast having to defend our gift giving customs against the other areas of the U.S. No one here is selfish, it is just the way it is done
Just like we would never have a backyard party, or church party or cake & dessert party or any other types of weddings that occur in other parts of the U.S.

I never remember anyone in the northeast calling people in other parts of the country names, i.e. "selfish" because of their regions traditions and customs.
I really don't know why this bothers other people so much - it's my money going in the envelope.

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 04:04 PM
So... based on this theory... if the wedding was outdoors in someone's yard and the cost was less per person.. you'd give a smaller gift??? Even if maybe this newly married couple is on a smaller budget and could use the monetary gift more?

-Sarah

There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here). I only gave DH's cousin $100, only because the wedding was in NW MA, backyard, and they gave us candlesticks, and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. Loved the candlesticks, BTW. I would NEVER have expected them to give us money, because it's not the norm in their region.

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

kimisabella
06-07-2009, 04:07 PM
I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

It's because they just don't get it - and never will.

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 04:22 PM
I never remember saying that - why don't you re-read the first sentence of my post.
I have never been, and will probably never go to an outdoor wedding in this area - it just doesn't happen. If I did - I would give the gift based on the relationship I had with the couple - if I couldn't afford it the gift - WHEREVER the reception was to be held - we wouldn't go.

This issue comes up every week, it's really getting OLD. It's always the same thing - the northeast having to defend our gift giving customs against the other areas of the U.S. No one here is selfish, it is just the way it is done
Just like we would never have a backyard party, or church party or cake & dessert party or any other types of weddings that occur in other parts of the U.S.

I never remember anyone in the northeast calling people in other parts of the country names, i.e. "selfish" because of their regions traditions and customs.
I really don't know why this bothers other people so much - it's my money going in the envelope.

:worship::worship::worship::worship:

kimisabella
06-07-2009, 04:27 PM
:worship::worship::worship::worship:

:wave2: Hey- how are you? How's your son?

disneyjunkie
06-07-2009, 04:32 PM
:wave2: Hey- how are you? How's your son?

Great, he graduated yesterday.:sad1:

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 04:45 PM
I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

Not offended at all, just curious. I actually find all the regional differences fascinating! :goodvibes

derocas
06-07-2009, 04:59 PM
I think this is all very interesting. I'm not offended by my custom being referred to as a "NJ" thing. But I am offended by my customs being called "silly" and someone implying that gifts are "nicer" than cash, just my two cents.

I personally don't want someone to incur a financial loss by inviting me to the wedding. Weddings in this area are very expensive. I am honored to be invited. If I have the cash to "cover my plate" (I don't really research the cost either, please don't take this literally it's just a figure of speech) I attend. Of course I give family more money than a coworker that I hardly know. I'm just saying that weddings cost around $40- $50 a person at least. especially with open bar and cocktail hour. This is just how I do things. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just think it's very rude to call things "silly". I don't call anyone else's traditions "silly". Calling someone's customs "silly" doesn't seem very "nice" to me. :confused3

kimisabella
06-07-2009, 05:21 PM
Great, he graduated yesterday.:sad1:

Oh wow!! Congrats!!! Where does the time go???

LuvMy3Monkeys
06-07-2009, 05:23 PM
We got married on the boardwalk in WDW... just us, nobody else... so I dont know much about receiving gifts/money for a wedding. But I just wanted to add that maybe you could get them like a hand painted ornament or something for their first christmas. Something along those lines... probably will cost under $25, but will mean alot more than a serving dish or set of towels for a gift.

And for what its worth... I'd never spend $200-$300 on a gift for a wedding. Never. :scared1:


ETA: You know... now that I'm sitting here thinking about it... some other cool gifts could be an entertainment book for their city or a gift pack from omaha steaks. I always buy my grandma the omaha steaks at christmastime and i can usually get a really nice assortment delivered (steaks, filets, burgers, sausages and a few sides) for about $60, but they have smaller packages also. And what about something like a membership to a SAMS or BJs wholesale club? a year costs $35 or $40 in our area... that could be a wonderful gift! I bought my daughters teacher a end of the year present last year... for $30 I got her 20 car wash coupons at this fancy detailing place in our area when they were running a special. Nothing spectacular but unique and practical! Just some thoughts....

wall*e2008
06-07-2009, 06:03 PM
There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here). I only gave DH's cousin $100, only because the wedding was in NW MA, backyard, and they gave us candlesticks, and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. Loved the candlesticks, BTW. I would NEVER have expected them to give us money, because it's not the norm in their region.

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

Later this year we are going to a wedding that will be at the home the bride and groom will be attending and we will be writing the same check that her sister got 3 years earlier. She rented a hall.

PinkRhombus
06-07-2009, 06:14 PM
What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...

Give them $25 worth of toilet paper. They'll always need toilet paper.

amshowers
06-07-2009, 06:17 PM
Honestly, if they were close enough friends they should know about your financial situation and not included that poem in your invitation. If that is the case than go and give what you can afford, otherwise I would decline the invitation.

LuvMy3Monkeys
06-07-2009, 06:46 PM
I think everyone should just agree to disagree on this one and enjoy the fact that everyone comes from a different place with different cultures and different "norms". Wouldn't it be so boring if we all did the same boring thing all the time??

I personally LOVE the fact that being from Ohio, I can handpick the locals from the northerners at Disney. A 65 degree day will have an equal mix of Parkas and t-shirts with shorts. The parka'd folks from Florida (because 65 is COLD) and the t-shirt clad people from back home in Ohio (because 65 is WARM)!! :rotfl:

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 06:55 PM
I'm not offended by my custom being referred to as a "NJ" thing.

I totally did not mean that in a disparaging way. I just never heard of it before my family in NJ was talking about it, then when my nieces and nephew were planning their weddings, it was clear they expected money to cover the meals.

My NJ family thinks that buying off the registry is a Carolina thing (but they all registered anyway, I guess for the benefit of us Southerners). :thumbsup2

derocas
06-07-2009, 07:09 PM
I totally did not mean that in a disparaging way. I just never heard of it before my family in NJ was talking about it, then when my nieces and nephew were planning their weddings, it was clear they expected money to cover the meals.

My NJ family thinks that buying off the registry is a Carolina thing (but they all registered anyway, I guess for the benefit of us Southerners). :thumbsup2

:) I wasn't referring to your post. I thought your post was very cute because when you decsribed it as a "Jersey thing", I thought that maybe it was a Jersey thing. I was actually referring to someone else who described "cover your plate" as "silly". I believe that her name was Mrs. Pete.

I think that we can learn a lot from each other. As long as we "respect" each other's beliefs and not criticize them. :thumbsup2

mjkacmom
06-07-2009, 08:47 PM
I totally did not mean that in a disparaging way. I just never heard of it before my family in NJ was talking about it, then when my nieces and nephew were planning their weddings, it was clear they expected money to cover the meals.

My NJ family thinks that buying off the registry is a Carolina thing (but they all registered anyway, I guess for the benefit of us Southerners). :thumbsup2

Silly you! :goodvibes Of course we register for gifts - how else would people know what to buy for the shower! ;) Thanks to these boards, I know it's a very regional thing - never heard of punch, mints, or just cake at weddings - probably a lot easier, but I'm guessing the cost is about the same, when you factor in the cost of the reception, against the gifts.

allison443
06-07-2009, 08:51 PM
They took our invitation and matted it and framed it. The frame is inexpensive and I'm sure they found the matching matt, standard size, at a craft store and put it all together themselves. They did use brown paper to glue around the back of the frame and attached a hook for hanging.
I just feel like they took the time and love to make us this special gift. We'll be married for 10 years this August and we have moved 3 times since our wedding. The picture is still hanging in our home.

So... just a thought for a gift idea. I am sure you could put it together for under $10.00 and it would cost waaay more if you had if professionally done.
-Sarah

This is a great idea! I have done this with baby announcements and a 50th wedding anniversary party invitation. Craft stores have really nice papers and embellishments you can use. Great suggestion! :)

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-07-2009, 09:06 PM
Silly you! :goodvibes Of course we register for gifts - how else would people know what to buy for the shower! ;) Thanks to these boards, I know it's a very regional thing - never heard of punch, mints, or just cake at weddings - probably a lot easier, but I'm guessing the cost is about the same, when you factor in the cost of the reception, against the gifts.

Well, duh! Never actually considered that they were registering for shower gifts, but it makes perfect sense now! :rotfl2:

Yeah, we're all about the punch around here - showers, weddings, birthday parties, graduations, etc. Secret family recipes that have been passed down for generations (why they keep getting passed down, I've yet to determine . . ) :rotfl:

skhermsmeyer
06-07-2009, 09:44 PM
If you find something you like within your budget, then by all means, get it for them. They should be happy with whatever they get. A wedding isn't a free for all for people to get money. This is to celebrate the two of them making a promise to each other. My DH and I both had complete households and we still got gifts that neither one of us had or had ever thought to buy. Weddings aren't to make a profit. Do what you feel is best and what you can do within your budget. :goodvibes

LuvMy3Monkeys
06-07-2009, 10:00 PM
Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda? :confused3

mombare
06-07-2009, 10:30 PM
Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda? :confused3


I love these types of threads because it reminds me of how much we live in hillbilly land! Yes - we do have mints, punch, outdoor weddings, the dollar dance, and all! Just not "cover your plate" (which I can totally respect). :goodvibes

Funny story, though....we have had 4 weddings in the past month, and my 4 yo DS has been quite intrigued with the garter ceremonies. As tacky as it is, around here the bride sits on a chair and the groom throws himself under the bride's dress to "recover" the garter. It is then either auctioned off or tossed. Well, my son informs my sister-in-law this past weekend that the groom has to "go under the brides dress and then he gets a big surprise...and it's gross"! My kids stay waaaayyy to late at the dances! :rolleyes1

acourtwdw
06-07-2009, 11:23 PM
Now before I get flamed, I need to tell you that I am from the midwest and have never been to a wedding that the gift "should cover your plate" nor has that been the standard.

Here is my question: If the "cover your plate" is $200 per person and you don't have that kind of money, do you still go to the wedding? What if it was someone close to you who knows what your finances are like?

Just curious....

Disneyliscious
06-08-2009, 12:17 AM
Southerner here too. Never heard of Cover Your Plate, but I can understand that its customary in certain parts of the country.

Speaking of customs, and I don't mean to hijack this thread but many answers have already been given to the OP so maybe its ok (?).....

I know its not a light topic, but this thread made me think of it.....

Here in the South, especially where I am, it is 'customary' or 'traditional' to take food to the funeral home when someone dies. The thought is that the family is there all day and having food available is a nice gesture to do. It allows them to not have to worry about what to eat or having to leave to go eat. We take everything from KFC, cakes, desserts, finger foods, tea and other drinks, etc. At my grandfathers funeral I made a pot of turnip greens and took because it is a family favorite. Anyone can eat, not just the immediate family. Its not done as a celebration, rather as an act of kindness in helping a family who is aready sufferng. We also take food to their homes during a death as well.

A few years ago, my 19 year old neighbor shot himself. We took fried chicken and 2 cases of Pepsi's to his mothers house. My mother and father then gave them $300 to help with the cost of the burial.

My husband was appalled at this when we got together as he had never heard of it. Im curious to see if this goes on at other parts of the country too.

Buckeye Princess
06-08-2009, 12:36 AM
For our wedding about 2 years ago, my husband and I got many gifts of $20-$30 from our friends. My husband is a med student and we found this amount to be quite generous knowing how tight money is for students.

buzz5985
06-08-2009, 03:20 AM
I am actually wondering if there is even a plate to cover? It is at 2pm, so I am thinking maybe Cake only? Anyways, out here it is mostly registery gifts, not money. My wedding I did get some money, bt gifts were the norm. Interesting how it is in different parts.

This is also a regional thing. If I was getting married at 2 pm - at the reception you would be getting a 5 course meal. Same as at a 11 am wedding or a 6 pm wedding. Plus a bar and a band.

My friends brother married a girl from GA and the family traveled to GA for the wedding. There was the ceremony at 2 pm, and after the ceremony there were h'orderves. That's all there was. My girlfriends parents told their son - if you needed money for a reception you should have asked us, not realizing that the wedding was the norm there.

buzz5985
06-08-2009, 03:42 AM
Southerner here too. Never heard of Cover Your Plate, but I can understand that its customary in certain parts of the country.

Speaking of customs, and I don't mean to hijack this thread but many answers have already been given to the OP so maybe its ok (?).....

I know its not a light topic, but this thread made me think of it.....

Here in the South, especially where I am, it is 'customary' or 'traditional' to take food to the funeral home when someone dies. The thought is that the family is there all day and having food available is a nice gesture to do. It allows them to not have to worry about what to eat or having to leave to go eat. We take everything from KFC, cakes, desserts, finger foods, tea and other drinks, etc. At my grandfathers funeral I made a pot of turnip greens and took because it is a family favorite. Anyone can eat, not just the immediate family. Its not done as a celebration, rather as an act of kindness in helping a family who is aready sufferng. We also take food to their homes during a death as well.

A few years ago, my 19 year old neighbor shot himself. We took fried chicken and 2 cases of Pepsi's to his mothers house. My mother and father then gave them $300 to help with the cost of the burial.

My husband was appalled at this when we got together as he had never heard of it. Im curious to see if this goes on at other parts of the country too.

If there is a death in the family, people will bring food to the house of the relatives of the deceased, it comes in handy for visitors. It is illegal in MA to have food at the funeral parlor. My DH cousins wanted to serve wine and cheese at their DM wake and were told this. It is also customary for after the burial to rent a hall, and serve either a breakfast or luncheon at the same places we have our weddings in the afternoons. LOL

mjkacmom
06-08-2009, 05:55 AM
Southerner here too. Never heard of Cover Your Plate, but I can understand that its customary in certain parts of the country.

Speaking of customs, and I don't mean to hijack this thread but many answers have already been given to the OP so maybe its ok (?).....

I know its not a light topic, but this thread made me think of it.....

Here in the South, especially where I am, it is 'customary' or 'traditional' to take food to the funeral home when someone dies. The thought is that the family is there all day and having food available is a nice gesture to do. It allows them to not have to worry about what to eat or having to leave to go eat. We take everything from KFC, cakes, desserts, finger foods, tea and other drinks, etc. At my grandfathers funeral I made a pot of turnip greens and took because it is a family favorite. Anyone can eat, not just the immediate family. Its not done as a celebration, rather as an act of kindness in helping a family who is aready sufferng. We also take food to their homes during a death as well.

A few years ago, my 19 year old neighbor shot himself. We took fried chicken and 2 cases of Pepsi's to his mothers house. My mother and father then gave them $300 to help with the cost of the burial.

My husband was appalled at this when we got together as he had never heard of it. Im curious to see if this goes on at other parts of the country too.

I don't know how to multi-quote, but we never have any food or beverage at the funeral home, although people bring food to people's homes. After the funeral, people usually go to a restaurant for the repast, with a sit-down meal and open bar. We do the garter thing (I didn't, I also didn't do the big intro "introducing, for the first time as man and wife, Mr. and Mrs....). I never heard of a dollar dance before these boards. If you are close to someone, and don't have enough $ for a gift, I see no reason not to talk to them about it. However, if you don't have the $ for a co-workers gift, you just don't go.

chicagodisneyfan
06-08-2009, 08:03 AM
Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda? :confused3

Dollar dance - I saw it once in Georgia and thought it was crazy! It is tacky to ever ask for money...no matter the circumstances.

chicagodisneyfan
06-08-2009, 08:05 AM
Now before I get flamed, I need to tell you that I am from the midwest and have never been to a wedding that the gift "should cover your plate" nor has that been the standard.

Here is my question: If the "cover your plate" is $200 per person and you don't have that kind of money, do you still go to the wedding? What if it was someone close to you who knows what your finances are like?

Just curious....

I have never been in such financial ruin that I could not afford $200. But I would probably decline the invite if I was that poor - I would have other more important things to worry about than a wedding.

chicagodisneyfan
06-08-2009, 08:07 AM
.

I know its not a light topic, but this thread made me think of it.....

Here in the South, especially where I am, it is 'customary' or 'traditional' to take food to the funeral home when someone dies. The thought is that the family is there all day and having food available is a nice gesture to do. It allows them to not have to worry about what to eat or having to leave to go eat. We take everything from KFC, cakes, desserts, finger foods, tea and other drinks, etc. At my grandfathers funeral I made a pot of turnip greens and took because it is a family favorite. Anyone can eat, not just the immediate family. Its not done as a celebration, rather as an act of kindness in helping a family who is aready sufferng. We also take food to their homes during a death as well.

A few years ago, my 19 year old neighbor shot himself. We took fried chicken and 2 cases of Pepsi's to his mothers house. My mother and father then gave them $300 to help with the cost of the burial.

My husband was appalled at this when we got together as he had never heard of it. Im curious to see if this goes on at other parts of the country too.

I always give cash at wakes - they have little envelopes that you can put a check in and a locked box hanging on the wall.

Food at the funeral home is typically catered - just easier that someone else brings in the beer/wine, pop, sweets, sandwiches etc.

LisaNJ25
06-08-2009, 08:08 AM
Honestly, if they were close enough friends they should know about your financial situation and not included that poem in your invitation. If that is the case than go and give what you can afford, otherwise I would decline the invitation.

Exactly. Jersey girl here and I have never given hundreds for a wedding gift. If you want to hold an very $$ wedding that is fine. I also give what I can afford and I am not concerned about "covering the plate"

arielsleepingbeauty
06-08-2009, 09:05 AM
I am from the northeast and please dont put me in that regional category. I totally disagree of paying by plate. Alot of people here do feel this way, but I understand the TRUE meaning of what a wedding is. I invited people to witness the greatest moment of my life. I wanted to share that with them. Never did I go into it thinking that they would cover the cost of their meals . I invited them, I was the hostess and my family paid for the entire wedding. I truly appreciated them being there. My intent of inviting them was not for them to pay for their meal. That is completely nonsense and selfish. When you are invited for dinner to someone's home, you may bring a side dish or something like that, but most people would never bring equivelent to what the hosts are providing to you. I feel the same way about a wedding. I bring what I can. $300.00 as a wedding gift? there is no one in my family that I would give more than $100.00 to. That is insane. children to feed and bills to pay. My gift is given on what my expenses are at the time, not based on who it is.

okeydokey
06-08-2009, 09:29 AM
I think the cover your place idea is terrible. You should have the wedding you can afford not he wedding you strongarm your guests into paying for. I have been to some pretty ritzy weddings and would never have been able to cover the cost of the plate for my DH and I. I thought the hosts wanted me there to share their joy not pay for their wedding.

I have lived in the NE and the South and it's unheard of in both places in my experience.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-08-2009, 09:32 AM
Okay, now since everyone is comparing traditions at weddings, and some have never heard of punch/mints or just cake... it makes me wonder this...

How many places don't do the dollar dance? You know, where you pay to dance with the bride/groom?

This is so interesting to hear all the different "norms" in different places.

Reminds me of when we went to TN for the first time and I asked what kind of pop they had at dinner and they said uhhhh.. OH you mean soda? :confused3

I've never heard of the dollar dance, and I'm born and raised in the south. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen around here - I just haven't heard of it.

The garter thing does happen, although I didn't do it at my wedding. I did throw the bouquet. We went to a wedding in April and they did the garter - my kids wanted to know what in the world they were trying to do! :scared1:

We send/bring food to the home of the family, not the funeral parlor.

Oh, and carbonated beverages are Coke in the Carolinas, whether it is Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, Sundrop, Cheerwine, etc. It's all Coke! :)

mjkacmom
06-08-2009, 09:38 AM
I am from the northeast and please dont put me in that regional category. I totally disagree of paying by plate. Alot of people here do feel this way, but I understand the TRUE meaning of what a wedding is. I invited people to witness the greatest moment of my life. I wanted to share that with them. Never did I go into it thinking that they would cover the cost of their meals . I invited them, I was the hostess and my family paid for the entire wedding. I truly appreciated them being there. My intent of inviting them was not for them to pay for their meal. That is completely nonsense and selfish. When you are invited for dinner to someone's home, you may bring a side dish or something like that, but most people would never bring equivelent to what the hosts are providing to you. I feel the same way about a wedding. I bring what I can. $300.00 as a wedding gift? there is no one in my family that I would give more than $100.00 to. That is insane. children to feed and bills to pay. My gift is given on what my expenses are at the time, not based on who it is.

I don't think you are in the cover your plate zone - to me, it's people living less than 30 minutes from NYC, or so. If you were in the zone, you would understand that no one expects to receive a certain amount of money, and no one has big weddings expecting their guests to pay for them (almost everyone I know had their parents pay anyway). I don't even think this tradition occurs in south jersey, which is totally different from north jersey.

Avonlady1001
06-08-2009, 10:01 AM
I don't think you are in the cover your plate zone - to me, it's people living less than 30 minutes from NYC, or so. If you were in the zone, you would understand that no one expects to receive a certain amount of money, and no one has big weddings expecting their guests to pay for them (almost everyone I know had their parents pay anyway). I don't even think this tradition occurs in south jersey, which is totally different from north jersey.

Long Island, NY girl here. And, yes, it is customary to "cover your plate", however, no one expects a certain amount. Cash is the norm for gifts at weddings, the household items are given as shower gifts. I got married about 6 years ago, spent about $15000 on our wedding (which is pretty cheap for around here & my DH & I paid ourselves). We were so happy with whatever people gave. I didn't care if they gave enough to cover their plate. That's not what it was about. Some people gave a lot (mostly close family), some gave a little. It was very generous no matter the amount. I'm glad everyone was there to celebrate with us.

No one here "strong arms" anyone into a gift amount (as a PP put it). It's just customary around here...not mandatory.

To address the OP, we do the registry thing for the showers....and I think it is very tacky to ask for money instead of gifts. I give a gift even if they ask for money instead. And I think registries are wonderful...saves people from getting a ton of stuff they don't need...and saves people from spending money on stuff that will just sit around for 50 years unused.

tlschmier
06-08-2009, 10:18 AM
Well, this thread has given me a lot to think about. And chicagodisneyfan, I don't consider my self in"financial ruin" just going through a rough patch like thousands od other Americans. But thanks for the concern...

lspst8
06-08-2009, 10:28 AM
The dollar dance is big around here (outside of Pittsburgh). I think it is an ethnic thing as most of the people who have "dollar dances" come from Italian or Polish families. They are usualy big firehall weddings with a buffet ... they kind where you have to invite every single second cousin and great aunt or some relative will be offended. I personally think it is really tacky, but some people love it and are disappointed when it is included in the reception!

I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like :laughing: I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-08-2009, 10:53 AM
I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like :laughing: I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! :bride: We got married 14 years ago and spent less than $7000. While there were things that might have been cool to be able to do, we had a great time and I think our guests did too. We paid for it all ourselves and did not go into debt. While it would be nice to have unlimited funds, the vast majority of us don't and we all have to make choices. I'd rather be at Disney than have a fancier wedding - just personal preference. pluto:

amylevan
06-08-2009, 11:09 AM
I’m a born and raised “Jersey girl”, but my entire extended family is not (including my parents, who moved here right before I was born). My husband, and his family, IS from Jersey.

Anyway, we are completely aware of the “cover your plate” mentality and I take it into consideration when attending weddings in the area. However, my extended family finds it perfectly acceptable to give $25-50 as a wedding gift (or actual gifts, which usually are no where to be seen at weddings here). So at our wedding, we got a mixture of the large monetary gifts (my husband’s family and our friends following the local customs) and smaller gifts from my extended family. All were greatly appreciated and I didn’t expect any particular amount from anyone. Guests are invited to share in your day, not subsidize the wedding. (My parents actually paid for our wedding anyway, but the money was a help towards the down payment on a house.)

The problem for me occurs when I attend family weddings. I feel that I should match what I give at weddings here ($200 for my husband and I to friends or co-workers, $300 if it’s NJ family). However, I don’t want to appear over the top or too showy or whatever to our family who isn’t used to this amount.

Oh and in response to some others, I have been invited to some “backyard” weddings in NJ, but they are probably not what people in other parts of the country would consider backyard. They are fully catered, with fancy tents, chairs and decorations – think country club in your backyard – just as expensive to host.

paladin
06-08-2009, 11:14 AM
I think the cover your place idea is terrible. You should have the wedding you can afford not he wedding you strongarm your guests into paying for. I have been to some pretty ritzy weddings and would never have been able to cover the cost of the plate for my DH and I. I thought the hosts wanted me there to share their joy not pay for their wedding.

I have lived in the NE and the South and it's unheard of in both places in my experience.

I totally agree - no one should be expected to cover the cost of anything - do you charge folks when you "invite" them to dinner?

If someone can't afford the wedding they are putting on, then they should have something that fits their budget.

momtoBrandon&Jacob
06-08-2009, 11:16 AM
There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here). I only gave DH's cousin $100, only because the wedding was in NW MA, backyard, and they gave us candlesticks, and I didn't want them to be uncomfortable. Loved the candlesticks, BTW. I would NEVER have expected them to give us money, because it's not the norm in their region.

I don't know why people are offended by this. I'm not offended that people have cake receptions, give toasters, or have cash bars, in other areas. I've never gone to a wedding reception with less than a $200 check (college days) - I would never give a $30 gift, and don't know anyone who would here.

I agree. If I could only afford a $25 gift then I would just not go. We usually give $25 for a kids birthday gift - but certainly not for a wedding. Here (suburbs of Phila) we usually give about $75-$100/pp attending.

lspst8
06-08-2009, 11:34 AM
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! We got married 14 years ago and spent less than $7000. While there were things that might have been cool to be able to do, we had a great time and I think our guests did too. We paid for it all ourselves and did not go into debt. While it would be nice to have unlimited funds, the vast majority of us don't and we all have to make choices. I'd rather be at Disney than have a fancier wedding - just personal preference.

Thanks for your nice words. I guess I'm a little touchy because I recently went out with a friend, and she was very rude about my plans. She even asked me why my parents weren't throwing us a big party. She apparently thinks her retired mother has a big bank account set aside just in case she ever happens to get married :confused3 (This friend doesn't have a boyfriend and is over 30.) The fact that she would take thousands of dollars from her mother, I guess says a lot more about her than it does me.

baby1disney
06-08-2009, 11:46 AM
The wedding is to celebrate their marriage. Get them anything you would like to that you think is appropriate for your budget.

I think that poem is ridiculous. If they have everything that they need, but need money then perhaps they should have had a smaller wedding.
Just because someone has asked for money/gift cards or whatever instead, doesn't mean that they need to have a smaller wedding!! What if it was an older couple...like mid 30's/40's and they have already established a life for themselves and have everything they need?? What if they have really good or decent paying jobs and really don't need anything? Are they not allowed to say that they would rather have cash/cards instead of gifts?!? I'll go into this in a bit........

I think that is sooooo tacky :scared: when someone asks for $$ on their wedding invitation (even if it's elegantly worded). When people do that, I usually don't give them money. The bride and groom should be grateful for WHATEVER they receive - whether it be money or a gift. I would give them what you would like to give them. I completely agree w/ you about the whole savvy shopper thing - I'm the same way. They should realize that with the economy today, someone would rather buy something on sale. I usually spend around $50 on a wedding gift...if I was to give money - $50. If I was to get a gift - $50 worth, but using coupons, sales, discounts, etc., I may only spend $35 or $40.
Did you check to see if maybe they registered somewhere? If not, give em what you feel is appropriate - whether it be money or a gift. :)Ok...how would you feel being a bride and someone told you that I rather buy you something on sale than give you a card/money?!?:confused3

The dollar dance is big around here (outside of Pittsburgh). I think it is an ethnic thing as most of the people who have "dollar dances" come from Italian or Polish families. They are usualy big firehall weddings with a buffet ... they kind where you have to invite every single second cousin and great aunt or some relative will be offended. I personally think it is really tacky, but some people love it and are disappointed when it is included in the reception!

I have to say that this thread kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I'm getting married in August and having about 12 people at the ceremony and reception. We only have about $5000 for everything, and I'd rather spend my money on a Disneymoon than feeding relatives I don't like :laughing: I guess deep-down I am kind of jealous of people who have $20,000 to drop on a nice reception and honeymoon, but there is no way I'd go into debt to do it.
I know I'm going to get sooo flamed for these comments, but oh well.

As far as the dollar dance goes, did you ever stop to think that sometimes that maybe the ONLY time that the bride and groom can TRULY interact with the guest?!? I think they get at least 30 seconds to dance...depending on how long the line is..to talk, say congrats, and what not. It's not tacky and it's actually alot of fun!!!:dance3: And..one more thing...it's not just an "ethnic thing". I'm a banquet server and I've seen many of those at my hotel and it's one of the best hotels in my city!!


I guess the reason why I'm soo heated about this is because I pretty much did the same thing. DH and I live in an apartment and if we would've recieved gifts instead...we woul've took them back because we have no room in our apartment. So, I politely(sp?) asked everyone to just please give us gift cards/money because of the size of our apartment. I didn't want anyone to call or give me something that either I couldn't or hadn't used because we either didn't have the room for it, didn't like it, etc. AND...BELEIVE me when I say this: People get very offened and HURT if they got you a gift and you either took it back or haven't used it yet. I've seen this way too many times and that's why it's just easier getting a gift card or giving them cash. That way they can buy whatever they want...when they want...how they want.

Now...maybe the poem was a bit much...but maybe to them they thought it was cute. And with weddings ever changin the standards all the time...everyone is going to be offened at some point!! I have yet to meet a bride and groom who pleased everyone with every part of their wedding planning/ceremony/reception. If anyone knows of any...please give them a HUGE round of appaulse!!!:yay::yay:

mafibisha
06-08-2009, 11:59 AM
I
Oh and in response to some others, I have been invited to some “backyard” weddings in NJ, but they are probably not what people in other parts of the country would consider backyard. They are fully catered, with fancy tents, chairs and decorations – think country club in your backyard – just as expensive to host.


ITA. Some of the the *Garden* (backyard) receptions cost wayyy more than a banquet room. Ha, you should SEE some of the backyards!!! STUNNING.

I was very close with a family whose daughter had one and for what they spent, they could have had the best country club reception!

There are so many variables for each reception that I don't think anyone can really judge.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-08-2009, 12:02 PM
Thanks for your nice words. I guess I'm a little touchy because I recently went out with a friend, and she was very rude about my plans. She even asked me why my parents weren't throwing us a big party. She apparently thinks her retired mother has a big bank account set aside just in case she ever happens to get married :confused3 (This friend doesn't have a boyfriend and is over 30.) The fact that she would take thousands of dollars from her mother, I guess says a lot more about her than it does me.

Just remember it is all about the marriage, not the wedding. ;) Better to start your life together with no debt (and less stress) than to be paying for your wedding while you are celebrating anniversaries.

The niece who had the blowout wedding? She's divorced. :sad1: Her DH lost his job after 9/11 and they had a lot of financial stress in the marriage, due in part to only having one income and in part to having wedding debt. Not to suggest that people who go into debt for their weddings are more likely to get divorced - it's just that money can cause a lot of tension in a marriage and they had some hard times. Of course, each situation is more complicated than just the money, but it didn't help their chances of survival. :sad1:

Are they not allowed to say that they would rather have cash/cards instead of gifts?!? I'll go into this in a bit........

Ok...how would you feel being a bride and someone told you that I rather buy you something on sale than give you a card/money?!?:confused3






I think the poem has gotten the response it has because they put it in the invitation, basically grubbing for money when they are supposed to be announcing their marriage. It's one thing to tell your family and close friends if they ask that you don't have room for a lot of stuff and would prefer money towards the honeymoon, etc. It's another to send out a blanket request for money as if giving money is a requirement to attend their wedding.

When I was a bride and people asked where I was registered, I told them. But I also told them that they could find many things on my registry cheaper other places, like Steinmart or Marshall's for my Christmas china and other places for other items. I'd much rather my family and friends get the most for their money if they are going to buy me a gift. I always check other places for registry items - if Macy's has a place setting on sale, I'll buy it there even if they are registered at Belk (but I will call Belk and take it off the registry). We registered in one place for convenience, but we happily enjoyed every gift no matter where it was purchased or for what price (well, there was one gift we are still trying to figure out, but we appreciated the thought :rotfl2:).

secretpantssam
06-08-2009, 12:07 PM
OP: I liked the suggestion of getting something personalized and putting the $25 in it. Even if you just paint their wedding date on something yourself. It's personal and then you can put whatever you can afford in it, and I think that makes a nice gift.


About the "cover your plate" deal...I was also raised in NJ, and while I understand that it's good try to give a cash gift to cover the cost of the wedding, I really don't think it's absolutely necessary. I think being there to celebrate a special occasion is more important than paying for your meal. I actually got into an argument with my sister about it, when I told her I only gave our cousin $50 (that's what I felt comfortable giving at the time) at his wedding and she was saying that wouldn't cover the cost of my meal and that it was rude. But my when my cousin came up to me at the reception, he told me how much he had missed me and how good it was to see me. He didn't ask how much I put in the card, and honestly, I don't think he cared. He invited me so that I could celebrate this wonderful day with him and the rest of my family, not so he could make back the money he spent on the wedding.

TRICKY_TINK
06-08-2009, 12:27 PM
If it were me and I was close the the couple I would buy something funny like ****y tassels, pecker pasta or really anything from Spencer's gifts and write out a nice and funny poem to them about the great ball n chain, or how money is what couples fight over so you thought you'd save them an argument, or about how you took the "we have everything" as a challenge and you bet they didn't have this! I would do up a simple scrapbook type card. When I got married every card sounded the same blah blah blah together forever blah blah blah true love blah blah blah happiness. It was boring and honesty I stopped reading them after about 20 cards. I did however find one from a friend that was hilarious it was a store bought but at least it was funny! good luck!

derocas
06-08-2009, 12:33 PM
This discussion is very interesting.

Since I'm from the "cover your plate" area I'm just curious to know what people wear to weddings in other regions?

The NY/NJ/CT areas usually wear formal attaire. Men weare suits and women wear formal dresses. Is that the same in other areas?

I never heard of dollar dances. I'm not sure if it's an Italian thing since all of my family is Italian and I haven't seen it at one wedding...yet. I did see a movie Made of Honor and the Scottish people danced for money at pubs the night before the wedding. I think it sounds like a cute custom. My sister in law is Scottish and she didn't do that but she did have bagpipers at the ceremony.

Every wedding that I've attended have announced the bride/groom, even the last wedding that I've attended which was actually a "commitment ceremony."
Some couples do the garter thing some don't so far I'd say that's been about 50/50.

Food for a funeral is done at the person's house or most of the time after a funeral everyone goes to a restaurant. I think this really varies based on religious and ethnic customs. I know that Jewish people have what's called a Shevah (I know I'm spelling it wrong) but what I think happens is that after a death people drop food off at the family's house for the following week since they are not allowed to leave the home.

toesmom
06-08-2009, 12:44 PM
My DH and I were invited to an afternoon wedding(2pm). In the invitation there is a poem about how they have all they need in their home, but money would be great. More elegantly worded but thats the jist..it says the amount doesn't matter..etc..

They couple getting married are younger, in their 20's, so its not like this is a second marriage or third, etc..

I don't know what to do. My DH has been unemployed for a year, I make an a so so salary but I really can only spend like $25 on the wedding gift as I am the sole breadwinner and we have a toddler, medical expenses about to come up, etc. I am a savvy shopper and probably could get something worth more than $25, for around that amount, but it doesn't seem to be what they want.

What would you all do? I was kinda shocked when I got the invite and I know I cannont ask the family for ideas without being looked down upon...


Just check the box that says "cannot attend" and wish them well.

DVCAKV2007
06-08-2009, 01:20 PM
OP: I know how you feel. I would just do what you are most comfortable with or not go, if you aren't that close with the people.

I am in a similar situation. DH's newphew is getting married next month (they are only 7 years apart as DH is the youngest of all his siblings). We are not going as it is in the midwest and we are just coming back from a trip a few days before (we didn't know about the wedding until a week after we booked the other trip). ANYWAYS, last month I get an "invitation" in the mail...if you want to call it that. It was stating that they weren't have a traditional bridal shower for his financee since they out west and can't come. However their "apartment needs updating" and they asked everyone to send a shower gift from their registry. There isn't a set shower or party or date. Just send a gift. They even asked for it to be sent by a specific date. I couldn't believe it. I was flabbergasted and felt it was very tacky. (BTW, the invite was sent by one of the bridesmaids). We plan on sending a wedding gift (not $$$) since we are not attending the wedding.

lspst8
06-08-2009, 01:26 PM
As far as the dollar dance goes, did you ever stop to think that sometimes that maybe the ONLY time that the bride and groom can TRULY interact with the guest?!? I think they get at least 30 seconds to dance...depending on how long the line is..to talk, say congrats, and what not. It's not tacky and it's actually alot of fun!!! And..one more thing...it's not just an "ethnic thing". I'm a banquet server and I've seen many of those at my hotel and it's one of the best hotels in my city!!


I wasn't saying enthic to make it sound bad in any way at all ..... the dollar dance just happens a lot in my area (Western PA), and it is mostly with people of Italian and Polish heritage. My family is German, Swedish, and Irish, and I can't remember any family weddings that included a dollar dance. I've paid the dollar to dance with the bride before, but if I were having a bigger wedding, I personally would not include it in the reception. I know at some weddings, you even get a shot of alcohol after you pay your money and do your 30 second dance with the bride!

Here in Pittsburgh we also have big trays of cookies at the wedding receptions ..... like thousands of cookies for the guests to nibble on and take home with them. People expect the cookies and are somewhat annoyed if the bride and groom don't have them. Some reception facilities take advantage of this and charge an extra "plating fee" or "display fee" for the cookie tables, even if you do all the work yourself. Even with my 12 people wedding coming up in August, I plan on baking a bunch of cookies to use as favors. I love to bake so I'm actually really looking forward to it.

pearlieq
06-08-2009, 01:26 PM
Just check the box that says "cannot attend" and wish them well.

Amen! Tackiness and gall like that don't need to be rewarded.

As for regional differences, I still think there's a basic standard of etiquette to be met. "Cover your plate" doesn't hurt anyone--do it, don't do it, who cares? Cake & Punch/church basement dry receptions don't hurt anyone. Do as you wish.

Other things that are written off to regional differences like cash bars, dollar dances, showers for second babies, etc. violate basic rules of etiquette. As much as anyone wants to write them off as just a cultural difference, I don't think I could ever come to believe they aren't inappropriate.

Just because something is the norm doesn't mean it's OK. I realize this is hyperbole, but what if you went to a wedding in a region where it was the accepted custom for the bride to strip at the reception? Wouldn't you still be horrified?

Avonlady1001
06-08-2009, 01:30 PM
It was stating that they weren't have a traditional bridal shower for his financee since they out west and can't come. However their "apartment needs updating" and they asked everyone to send a shower gift from their registry. There isn't a set shower or party or date. Just send a gift. They even asked for it to be sent by a specific date.

Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

Bill and Jen
06-08-2009, 02:06 PM
Other things that are written off to regional differences like cash bars...As much as anyone wants to write them off as just a cultural difference, I don't think I could ever come to believe they aren't inappropriate.

Just because something is the norm doesn't mean it's OK. I realize this is hyperbole, but what if you went to a wedding in a region where it was the accepted custom for the bride to strip at the reception? Wouldn't you still be horrified?


Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

derocas
06-08-2009, 02:34 PM
My friend who is originally from NJ moved to Florida. She was getting remarried and had a wedding on the beach. She invited people to join her for dinner at the restaurant next to the beach. She only paid for the cake. She asked everyone to pay for their own meal. I didn't attend the wedding because my children were in school and we weren't able to travel at the time so it wasn't an issue for me.
After reading this board, I'm wondering if majority of people would have thought that her actions were ok. I thought it was inappropriate, but that's jmho.

pearlieq
06-08-2009, 02:36 PM
Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

Yes, I personally believe so. While I've been told it's a regional custom, I don't think it's appropriate to invite guests to an event and ask them to pay for anything. I believe a host should provide whatever is within their budget equally to all.

That being said, I don't think anyone's going to change their mind about it, and I'm not interested in debating it. If I am ever presented with a cash bar, I will handle it as I see fit, and I assume others will do the same.

chicagodisneyfan
06-08-2009, 02:36 PM
Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?

Yes!! Tacky and ignorant to have a cash bar.

Do you often invite friends and family to an event and make them pay for drinks?

Bill and Jen
06-08-2009, 02:47 PM
Yes!! Tacky and ignorant to have a cash bar.

Do you often invite friends and family to an event and make them pay for drinks?

I invite family and friends over all summer for events at my house and I do not stock my house to provide beer, wine, and booze for everyone. It is tacky to me if family and friends come over to parties empty handed.

Are you telling me you stock a full bar at home so you can make any drink a guest at your house desires? If so Good for you!

In fact if I am invited over a freinds house I always bring a bottle of wine, and enough beer for us and those who invited us. (Or wine or ingrediants for mixed drinks, all depending on the mix of people and thier tastes)

Too funny how this has swung from greedy brides and grooms all the way over to greedy guests.


P.S. Your use of the word ignorant shows your ignorance of the definition of the word!

KelleyD
06-08-2009, 02:53 PM
I am at work and this thread is giving me a laugh! Just making me smile at what everyone has to say...

Yes I am from NJ...the northern folk would say south jersey, the south jersey folk would say north jersey so I stick with central jersey - the shore. We are still in the "cover your plate" mode. For me that means usually a minimum of $75 - $125 solo and $200 - $300 (depending on the relation) for duo. I would say I make the median income, when times are tight its the lower number, if i have it to spare its a higher number....I don't think I have ever given a gift at a wedding.

My step mother - from Idaho, went to a wedding of a friend last year, I have to say, I was in shock when she told me she got them a gift. Seriously I felt bad after when I said you got them what???? but really I have never ever heard of a gift at a wedding...registries are for showers. period. And she has lived here over 30 years....maybe she forgot:rotfl2:

So here: 2pm wedding is a full blown wedding, just a little cheaper for the bride, plus if she planned late it was the only date open at the reception place she wanted!

I think I may have seen the dollar dance once and yes I think it was tacky. The bride and groom are to make an appearance at every table, and are supposed to have a small conversation with every guest - or at least a thanks for coming....am I wrong here? At least every wedding I have been to...pretty much means very limited eating time for the bride and groom but he usually is drinking and she needs to be able to fit in the dress :rotfl2:

I don't think I have ever been to a cash bar...I don't think I would take offense to it....would just think they couldn't afford it. BUT a cash bar is a big reason for going....other then the happy couple thing...:rolleyes1

First non NJ/NY wedding I ever went to was in college in Indiana...it was for a woman who was the sister of my boyfriends friend....HUH? Anyway I said I have no gif/nothing to wear. Don't worry its in a barn/restaurant and you don't need a gift and most people will just wear jeans....well he was wrong, alot had pants but the rest was pretty much right on...had a great time!

Never been to a cake/appetizer/ whatever else they have, but thinking about if some of you give $30 for cake, then we in nj are right on target for $200 for a full dinner and drinks!!!:banana:

pearlieq
06-08-2009, 02:56 PM
After reading this board, I'm wondering if majority of people would have thought that her actions were ok. I thought it was inappropriate, but that's jmho.

Gah! That's horrible!!! :scared:

Who would do something like that? And who would think it was OK?

Though, having hung around the DIS long enough, I know there's SOMEONE out there who does! :laughing:

mrsklamc
06-08-2009, 03:07 PM
Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

Yup. That announcement makes it sound like marriage doesn't matter at all...they've just been shacking up long enough to need new stuff so they thought they'd throw a wedding as a gift grab.

Ishy
06-08-2009, 03:17 PM
Go to garage sales, thru your own attic, or to micheals or AC moores - find a pretty treasure box (I spring for photo box's) - or make one... put some love into the creation - then take your 25$ and put it to the gold dollar coins - mix it with some silver kisses 2.49 -- if there is someone else or two willing to do this - to give a treasure chest of silver and gold --- it makes a spectacular gift. there must be someone in the family going thru hard times too --- i love the wooden photo boxes from micheals and with a 40% off it comes out under 10$ extra. but the cardboard ones are 2 bucks and just as nice and dont need anything other then a bow.

DVCAKV2007
06-08-2009, 03:20 PM
Yup. That announcement makes it sound like marriage doesn't matter at all...they've just been shacking up long enough to need new stuff so they thought they'd throw a wedding as a gift grab.

At least it isn't just me who thought that! But I know my MIL is going to flip when she finds out we didn't send anything.

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-08-2009, 03:23 PM
Wow. Just wow. I've never heard of anyone doing this!! That's even worse than asking for money for your wedding. Just send gifts. Wonder if that would work for other occasions.

For example, if I send an announcement to the tune of: My house if falling apart...please send donations to.... LOLOL

I'm planning a Disney trip for next year, and my change jar is looking a little empty. Please send gift cards. :rotfl2:

StitchandPooh'sMom
06-08-2009, 03:24 PM
Go to garage sales, thru your own attic, or to micheals or AC moores - find a pretty treasure box (I spring for photo box's) - or make one... put some love into the creation - then take your 25$ and put it to the gold dollar coins - mix it with some silver kisses 2.49 -- if there is someone else or two willing to do this - to give a treasure chest of silver and gold --- it makes a spectacular gift. there must be someone in the family going thru hard times too --- i love the wooden photo boxes from micheals and with a 40% off it comes out under 10$ extra. but the cardboard ones are 2 bucks and just as nice and dont need anything other then a bow.

Aww - I like this idea! :goodvibes But I also like the mint coin set (have to remember that for new babies, especially) and the framed invitation.

NotUrsula
06-08-2009, 05:01 PM
There's a minimum I give (I'm guessing most people here have one), regardless of the venue (but again, there are NO yard weddings here).

Oh, I'll bet that there are -- you just don't know anyone who would do it or has done it. It's outside of your experience, but that doesn't mean that it is outside the realm of the possible unless it's illegal.

My family has been involved with the wedding industry for quite a long time in several different capacities. Trust me, people can and do come up with lots of non-traditional ways to celebrate the occasion, no matter where they are.

For the OP, if you have time but not money, something with personal meaning is very appropriate; anything from a nicely set up book of Grandma's best recipes to a framed invitation.

Ava
06-08-2009, 05:26 PM
I haven't read the whole thread, but I can understand wanting money for your wedding instead of gifts. It's somewhat tacky to ask for it in a poem, but I understand their reasoning. I always give money for a wedding, unless the couple has a registry. Then I'll choose something off of the registry if there is an item in my price range.

We recently had a baby and have gotten so many gifts that we just can't use (clothes the wrong season for the size, gadgets that are a nice thought but we have no space for, etc.). And more often then not people didn't include a gift receipt, whether because they genuinely forgot or because they did use coupons/sales and don't want us to find out what they spent, I don't know. There were many things we would've liked to return but couldn't because we didn't have a receipt.

If I was in OP's position, I would just give whatever amount in cash you can afford and maybe include a small momento-type gift.

okeydokey
06-08-2009, 05:36 PM
Just check the box that says "cannot attend" and wish them well.

But what if they want to go? Weren't they invited for a reason?

barbarabini
06-08-2009, 05:49 PM
NJ checking in--
I agree -- in NJ cover your plate is the custom -- which often means shelling out 300 for a wedding gift. It sucks.

I have only been to one wedding elsewhere -- and I handled the gift table. I thought, hey this will be easy, hold onto the envelopes and don't lose them. Only to find heavy box after heavy gift box for me to manage. We were the only ones who gave cash. I felt seriously out of place.

I think there should be some happy medium here but unforunately in NJ, most of those brides(or their mothers and mothers in law) keep a sharp list of who gave what -- so it aint ever gonna stop.

punkin
06-08-2009, 05:53 PM
But what if they want to go? Weren't they invited for a reason?

Then they go and give whatever amount of cash they can afford, even if it's $10. I got married in "cover your plate" territory and many people did just that. A couple of my closest relatives did a lot more than that and one grand-uncle gave me $10 ( he was on Social Security and really that was all he could afford). I was just as happy with his gift as I was with the bigger ones. Really, it's not about the gifts.

I really would have hated getting a bunch of gifts that were not to my taste.

wall*e2008
06-08-2009, 09:04 PM
I wasn't saying enthic to make it sound bad in any way at all ..... the dollar dance just happens a lot in my area (Western PA), and it is mostly with people of Italian and Polish heritage. My family is German, Swedish, and Irish, and I can't remember any family weddings that included a dollar dance. I've paid the dollar to dance with the bride before, but if I were having a bigger wedding, I personally would not include it in the reception. I know at some weddings, you even get a shot of alcohol after you pay your money and do your 30 second dance with the bride!

Here in Pittsburgh we also have big trays of cookies at the wedding receptions ..... like thousands of cookies for the guests to nibble on and take home with them. People expect the cookies and are somewhat annoyed if the bride and groom don't have them. Some reception facilities take advantage of this and charge an extra "plating fee" or "display fee" for the cookie tables, even if you do all the work yourself. Even with my 12 people wedding coming up in August, I plan on baking a bunch of cookies to use as favors. I love to bake so I'm actually really looking forward to it.

We do the dollar dance at all of the wedding I have attended but one. Many of them are WASP weddings. We put in the money and do the shot then dance with the bride or the groom. Sometimes it is funny (like a groomsman and the groom doing a funny dance) but for most it is a time to talk to the bride or the groom. At the last wedding we attended this guy paid money to dance with me. We never figured out why, but hey they got more money. My husband and I put in a $20 each for the dollar dance. DH gets both of the shots. I have seem people put in $50s and $100s. This money is given to the bride an groom to take on the honeymoon with them.

wall*e2008
06-08-2009, 09:08 PM
Yes, I personally believe so. While I've been told it's a regional custom, I don't think it's appropriate to invite guests to an event and ask them to pay for anything. I believe a host should provide whatever is within their budget equally to all.

That being said, I don't think anyone's going to change their mind about it, and I'm not interested in debating it. If I am ever presented with a cash bar, I will handle it as I see fit, and I assume others will do the same.

For us it is customary to have an open bar. I did attend one with a cash bar and the reason for it was very sound. The grooms family and the bride paternal side were full of drunks. Funny thing is that most of them left really early and most would not buy a drink. The non-drunk family and friends all were fine with buying their drinks. We had all the fun and did not have to watch the drunks act like idiots.

pearlieq
06-08-2009, 09:39 PM
One grand-uncle gave me $10 ( he was on Social Security and really that was all he could afford).

That is so sweet. In a way it's even more meaningful than someone affluent dashing of a check for a few hundred dollars.

MrsPete
06-08-2009, 09:52 PM
[QUOTE=mjkacmom;32170000]She didn't say giving a large cash gift was silly, she said giving based on the cost of the wedding was silly.Exactly. It's silly to give more because the reception venue has a "better address" or because they're serving prime rib instead of chicken. Your gift should be what you want to give to the couple, not payment for your dinner.If we couldn't afford to give an appropriate gift to the couple, we would not go to the wedding. What if you were on the receiving end of this situation? Would you really want your cousin/co-worker/high school friend to skip one of the most important days of your life because he couldn't afford to fill an envelope "properly"? Wouldn't you rather have that person come with a small gift and celebrate with you? Wouldn't you feel bad that that person -- someone you'd wanted to share your day -- felt he couldn't come because he didn't feel he had "enough" to give? I know it's a very regional thing - never heard of punch, mints, or just cake at weddings - probably a lot easier, but I'm guessing the cost is about the same, when you factor in the cost of the reception, against the gifts.Punch and cake receptions in the church fellowship hall are quite acceptable here in the South, though we're seeing more and more buffets. Sit-down meals are fairly rare.I have never been in such financial ruin that I could not afford $200. But I would probably decline the invite if I was that poor - I would have other more important things to worry about than a wedding.I certainly have seen days when I could not afford $200. During college, there were many times when I could no more have come up with $200 than I could've come up with a million. It was only slightly better in our first married years. Today $200 is nothing for us, and I've frequently spent that much on nice wedding gifts, especially for family -- BUT I've never felt that I had to do it because of the cost of the wedding.Just because someone has asked for money/gift cards or whatever instead, doesn't mean that they need to have a smaller wedding!! No matter what the individual's circumstances, it's still rude to ask for money! It's like saying, "I don't want some stinky old thing you'd pick out -- but I still want you to give me a gift!" If someone ASKS, it's fine to say, "We already have all the household goods we need, but we'd love a little help with the honeymoon" -- BUT that's only acceptable if someone ASKS. ITA. Some of the the *Garden* (backyard) receptions cost wayyy more than a banquet room. Ha, you should SEE some of the backyards!!! STUNNING. Absolutely! I've worked at some incredible outdoor weddings! I'm remembering one right now that I'm sure cost $$$$$$$ -- lovely yard, rented white tents surrounded by round tables, flowers everywhere, white lights in the trees, food stations here and there, waiters serving drinks. Absolutely wonderful wedding. I'm also remembering one that I know was done on a budget: The groom built a gazebo for the bride as a wedding gift, and she bedecked it with grocery-store purchased flowers. Caterers served a very casual meal of BBQ straight from an over-sized grill, while a bluegrass band played on the front porch and people danced in the front yard. Wedding cake was served in the carport. It was also lovely.

No, around here -- with our wonderful, mild climate and lovely greenery -- outdoor receptions aren't second-rate by any means. Personally, I wouldn't choose to have one 1) because it was important to me that my wedding was inside the church and 2) because rain is always a concern, and I'd be insane worrying about last-minute alternatives if the weather was a problem. Are you really saying having a cash bar at a wedding is tacky and inappropriate?Charging invited guests for anything at YOUR PARTY is tacky, BUT there's another reason people are going this direction, and it isn't compeltely about money: It's about avoiding liability. If a guest drinks himself silly, then crashes his car and kills a couple people on the way home, THE HOST can be held responsible for that guest's actions. I personally think this is horribly wrong, but it's the world in which we live. I don't like this, but cash bars are a way to get around this liability.

In my area, dry receptions are completely acceptable, though they are less common than they used to be. Another thing we're seeing more and more is the bridal couple offering JUST ONE champagne toast -- no one's going to get snockered on that 1/2 a glass of champagne. Then they go and give whatever amount of cash they can afford, even if it's $10. I got married in "cover your plate" territory and many people did just that. A couple of my closest relatives did a lot more than that and one grand-uncle gave me $10 ( he was on Social Security and really that was all he could afford). I was just as happy with his gift as I was with the bigger ones. Really, it's not about the gifts.And that's exactly as it should be: you were glad that your grand-uncle could make it to your wedding, and you didn't look down on him because all he could give you was $10. It's about celebrating the marriage. Too bad everyone doesn't see that bigger picture!

uva185
06-09-2009, 12:16 AM
That is extremely tacky...just for that I would probably give them a Savings Bond that will take a good 10 years to mature :laughing:

PatriciaH
06-09-2009, 06:34 PM
I would probably not go if I only had $25 to give. Or get a bond. I agree with the others that said they give more than that for a child's birthday. Even when DH and I did not make a lot of money we would give $100+ to friends and $200+ to family at weddings. Only saw registries for the shower. We got married in 96 and only had immediate family at our wedding yet friends and co workers threw us a small party a week later and gave $100 and $200 each to us in cards. (This was in MA and I grew up in NYC.)

Anne34
06-10-2009, 09:26 AM
For anyone that finds it offensive the best thing to do is respectfully offer your regrets you are unable to attend for whatever reason.

P.S. NJ is def not the only cover your plate state. Here in MA or at least my family, friends, co-workers suscribe to the same mentality.(I think this is more important now then it used to be because more and more the wedding is paid for by the couple, not the parents.)

Right now we give $125 for a wedding, being your average wedding at a decent hall with decent food is about 50-60 dollars a head. (We don't give more for crazy blowout weddings though, don't feel we should pay more because they had the wedding at the country club!)


The Chicago area also has the "Cover your plate" mentality. I was amazed by the wedding gifts from DH family as compared to my family in Wisconsin!

goofy5
06-10-2009, 09:33 AM
in poor tatse in my opinion to ask for $$ I would get them what you can afford & don't feel bad about it.

Poohbear5
06-10-2009, 09:36 AM
My daughter will be getting married on short notice this summer when her soldier get leaves.

Since we'll at best have 3-4 weeks notice to pull together a hall, caterer, dj, photographer,etc,many of these things will be done by family and friends.

For those of you with the "cover the meal cost" mentality, how does that factor in to gift giving? Maybe she will be given some McDonald's gift certificates??:rotfl:

Seriously, I do hope the guests at her wedding come to celebrate this young couple's start and do not feel obligations to give a gift of more than they can afford.

I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks for another family member who's having a wedding at a fancy hotel. When you "cover the meal cost", do you ask the party giver how much a meal is going to cost at their event so you'll give the appropriate amount?

I would never tell my guests how much it cost me to serve them a meal! Seems just a tad rude!

mjkacmom
06-10-2009, 09:50 AM
My daughter will be getting married on short notice this summer when her soldier get leaves.

Since we'll at best have 3-4 weeks notice to pull together a hall, caterer, dj, photographer,etc,many of these things will be done by family and friends.

For those of you with the "cover the meal cost" mentality, how does that factor in to gift giving? Maybe she will be given some McDonald's gift certificates??:rotfl:

Seriously, I do hope the guests at her wedding come to celebrate this young couple's start and do not feel obligations to give a gift of more than they can afford.

I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks for another family member who's having a wedding at a fancy hotel. When you "cover the meal cost", do you ask the party giver how much a meal is going to cost at their event so you'll give the appropriate amount?

I would never tell my guests how much it cost me to serve them a meal! Seems just a tad rude!

You obviously haven't read the wedding gift threads - yes, we cover the plate, or if it's a less expensive wedding, we still give what we would give for a lavish wedding. We never, ever discuss the cost of a wedding - that would be rude. However, most weddings in this area are $100+ a head, so we go by that. If I were attending your dd's wedding, I'd probably give her $300, less if weren't not that close, more for an immediate family member.

derocas
06-10-2009, 11:50 AM
You obviously haven't read the wedding gift threads - yes, we cover the plate, or if it's a less expensive wedding, we still give what we would give for a lavish wedding. We never, ever discuss the cost of a wedding - that would be rude. However, most weddings in this area are $100+ a head, so we go by that. If I were attending your dd's wedding, I'd probably give her $300, less if weren't not that close, more for an immediate family member.

Thank you for posting this. I don't get why people still don't understand the concept of "cover your plate". I especially don't understand why some pp have criticized it and made rude comments.

If you don't follow the "cover your plate" mentality that's fine. But seriously why do pp have to put down the method? :confused3