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hinodis
01-08-2009, 08:25 PM
My SIL's DH got layed off from his job and they are having money problems. She called DH tonight and asked him if they could borrow a bouple thousand dollars to cover the house payment for January anad February. She said they could pay us back in the middle of February. He told her he would have to talk to me about it. I said no way. He is an independent contractor and his business is not secure right now at all. I am clinging to my money. He feels really bad that he can't help her. Am I being selfish? I am just afraid that if they can't pay us back and his business slows down, where are we?:confused3

ADisneyQueen
01-08-2009, 08:29 PM
My uncle once said if you are lending money to someone, don't expect to get it back. If you can give it and not miss it, fine, but don't see it as a loan.
I have a family member that owes me money and I know she'll never give it back.

here757
01-08-2009, 08:33 PM
ohhh tough spot to be in..
i can understand him wanting to help. but ive been watching too much judge judy and joe brown. my vote would be dont lend any money
and someone in need is not really gonna wanna listen to your reasons why you cant lend.

yourcruise
01-08-2009, 08:36 PM
Its always hard to lend money out especially if you could not afford to live without it if you don't get it back.

Maddle
01-08-2009, 08:38 PM
It's too hard to make a call on this one without knowing where you stand financially! But, if they don't have the money today, what makes SIL think she will have it in February?

On the other hand, do you have the money to lend them? Sometimes all someone needs is help over a rough patch.

maddle

TiggerTails57
01-08-2009, 08:42 PM
If you can't afford to 'give' it then don't lend it...:teacher:

BarbWB
01-08-2009, 08:42 PM
btdt, loaned money to a close family member AND to a DH's best friend since 8th grade ... loans made 18 mos ago. Have we seen a penny? Nope!

So, the question is not whether you have the money to loan, but, do you have the money to GIVE.

If you can give the money and not worry about repayment, then it would be fine. Otherwise, I would never do it again.

And why, in this environment, would someone be asking a contractor for a loan? That is just not fair to put you in that situation

WendyisDarling
01-08-2009, 08:44 PM
You aren't being selfish. You are forward thinking. If you have a couple thousand extra that you won't miss, then consider the loan, but know that loan could easily become a "gift".
They say they can repay in February. Maybe so, but what if...they have an expensive car repair, unexpected medical expense, a broken whatever at their house. What will happen? I'm betting you get a phone call with a promise to repay in March or April.
You absolutely cannot count on getting the money back.

I would encourage your DH to give his sis a truthful answer. She knows you have the money, so she will probably feel let down. But, if he simply explains that he doesn't feel secure about his employment and he needs to have his safety net. THEN, he could offer to help her with advising her to call their bank and discuss options for their mortgage payment until next month. Many banks are very helpful now and will work with people.

Good luck. I know (very well) you are in a tough spot. :hug:

pearlieq
01-08-2009, 08:48 PM
As much as you would like to help, you can't put yourself at risk to help them out. Lend as much as you can afford to lose, no more.

Maybe there are other ways you can help them. Can you help with their kids while one of them picks up another job? Can you share some of your pantry stock to help them out with groceries for the month? Can you invite them over for dinner and movie night so they can have some inexpensive fun?

Good luck--I know it's a sticky situation.

hinodis
01-08-2009, 08:50 PM
We do have the money. However, if DH has no business, we have no income. With this economy we may be living off our savings. SIL said they had no savings account.

T. Lynn
01-08-2009, 08:58 PM
Same boat here. We loaned someone money back in June and haven't seen a dime of it back. I'm ticked off that DH did it without asking me first.

Stacerita
01-08-2009, 09:02 PM
Loan the money only if you will be ok not to get it back. Thats how it can be with family sometimes.

turnlisa
01-08-2009, 09:06 PM
I've been in this situation more times than I can count. Other posters are right - if you are lending to family, don't expect to get it back.

Last summer I had my aunt call me from out of the blue. Hadn't talked to her in 2 years. She asked for $2K, needed me to wire it to her or she was going to be homeless by Friday. Did I lend it to her? NO! I had the money but figured that if I was only good to talk to when she needed money it wasn't a great relationship. I still feel guilty about it but there are times when you have to make the right decision for you.

I don't know if I would lend it if I were you. I can understand helping someone out but if your DH doesn't have steady income, I would have a hard time handing over money.

wdwmom0f3
01-08-2009, 09:09 PM
Dave Ramsey would say.... no darlin'.

I wouldn't do it unless you could give them the money and it sounds like your husband may need it in the future. (hopefully not:goodvibes ) I wouldn't put my family at risk right now.

4boys531
01-08-2009, 09:12 PM
I agree with the PP's...if you are uncomfortable loaning it (and understandably so) then you have to look out for yourself first. I like the suggestions for offers to babysit, help out with food, etc.

We loaned money to my BIL but we know he is good for it. He just bought a house and started a new job, so he was short on savings. We had the money but we know he will pay us back (we have done this before too). But my DH's uncle asked us to help him out and we politely told him no since we knew we would never see any of it back.

Karenj2
01-08-2009, 09:14 PM
On the flip side, when DH was out on medical long term disability, and I was laid off from my job at the same time, my BIL and his wife lent us $20k, to tide us over while we put our house on the market. DH was able to get off LTD, and got a good job, so we took our house off the market, then paid off BIL as quickly as we could. (We had depleted our savings, so it took about 5 months, but we paid it back.)

As others have said, be prepared to count it as a gift, not a loan, but you may be pleasantly surprised by your DH's sister and husband.

HOWEVER, if you do give a loan, you might want to consider writing up a "contract" that specifies when you expect to be paid back, and have all sign for it, so that if they don't pay you back, you might have more evidence & recourse to get paid back. (My BIL gave us the money with no strings - he even said it was a gift, but we couldn't NOT pay him back...)

carj
01-08-2009, 09:17 PM
I know that this may sound harsh but you really shouldn't loan money that you can't afford to lose.
I would try to find other ways to help. If they can't pay the house payments now, they probably will not be able to pay the payments next month, and repay you.
It may seem cruel but the best solution may be for them to downsize and rent.

brockscandy
01-08-2009, 09:18 PM
[QUOTE=wdwmom0f3;29557829]Dave Ramsey would say.... no darlin'.

Not only would he say that but he would tell you that it will change things at Thanksgiving dinner.

I know that it is hard not to help and I don't know what her husband does, but it is not your fault that they don't have a savings and you do. Both my MIL and FIL have told us to be prepared and save our money so we can help out my SIL when they hit hard times. She called a couple of months ago crying about their debt and I recommended she get tuned into Dave Ramsey and she hasn't talked to me since except to call me back and tell me how much I offended her.

janiejake
01-08-2009, 09:18 PM
Wouldn't do it either. If their money habits have been such that they have no safety net~~(no savings, you said), what is likely to change in their situation? Where will they get this extra money to be paying you back along with their normal expenditures? It's a tough call, but you do need to protect your own family.

WendyisDarling
01-08-2009, 09:25 PM
SIL said they had no savings account.

And the bread winner is laid off. It is very unfortunate.
This will probably come across as harsh, but where will the money for upcoming house payments come? Does BIL have a new job? Did sis get a job or one that pays more?

It is really easy to become a "bank" for a family member. You help them out once and it gets easier to ask the next time.

perriwinkleblue
01-08-2009, 09:32 PM
I agree with the others that say "loan" only if you don't expect to be paid back. We've loaned to a particular family member (twice!) and have not seen a dime. It has changed my relationship with this family. I just really resent the fact that instead of paying us back they've spent money on things like new televisions and Wii games and it's gotten to the point where I avoid visiting their home because I can't bear to see the new "toys". If they even made a slight effort, like $50. every few months or so...:confused3

I'm not suggesting that you turn your back on family members in need. I'm sure you have a gut feeling on this. Just know it may be a gift.

Kellydelly
01-08-2009, 09:33 PM
I know it isn't smart to loan money out considering the state of the economy in MI (does your dh work in automotive?), but I also know what it feels like to be in your SIL's shoes. I am guessing they plan to pay you back with their tax refund? Could you loan them just half of what they asked for (with a definate repayment contract)? Do they have the option of using their cc to pay their mortgage? I know that isn't ideal, but what are their options if nobody can loan them money? If they are in MI too, make sure they go and sign up for assistance TOMORROW, and get there before 10 with all their required documents. If he stays out of work for a long period of time they will need the help and there is already a 45 day wait.

hinodis
01-08-2009, 09:59 PM
DH and I have decided that we will not be able to lend them money. We feel terrible about it. We can't do much else to help them, the live 500 miles away from us. I would really appreciate some advice on what they might be able to do for help. That way when I call her back in the morning I have something to offer her. I know he is getting unemployment, but it is a very small amount of money. She has a part time job. The kids are 13 and 17, so no little ones.

ThreeMusketeers
01-08-2009, 10:00 PM
If by letting them borrow the $2 grand you are going to be putting yourselves into financial trouble.. then just tell them, You wish you could, but you don't have it either.
If it were me, I would send SOMETHING, as a gift..whatever I could afford. Even if it was just $1000. It's going to help them. They obviously really need the help, I mean, it's January 9 and they are asking for help with January's mortgage!


If you do have it, you both have stable jobs, then give them the few grand, w/o grief and don't hold it over their heads.
That's what family is for. Plain and simple.

The world tends to work in circles, you help them out now, and later on in life, i'm sure you will need something and they will be there for you. Again, that's what family's for.

Mrs D
01-08-2009, 10:01 PM
Plenty of others have weighed on if you should or shouldn't. Only thing I will say is IF you do, you MUST get a promisary note signed by all parties with all the terms of the loan, a schedule of re-payment and consequences should they default on the loan and time-frame consequences would take effect.
It's like a taking a tirp to WDW with extended, if everyone knows what each others expectations are up front, there are fewer problems.

Best of luck to all involved. :wizard:

Kellydelly
01-08-2009, 10:02 PM
DH and I have decided that we will not be able to lend them money. We feel terrible about it. We can't do much else to help them, the live 500 miles away from us. I would really appreciate some advice on what they might be able to do for help. That way when I call her back in the morning I have something to offer her. I know he is getting unemployment, but it is a very small amount of money. She has a part time job. The kids are 13 and 17, so no little ones.

Send them a $100 Walmart gift card so they can buy groceries or necessities. They will really appreciate it.

hinodis
01-08-2009, 10:09 PM
Send them a $100 Walmart gift card so they can buy groceries or necessities. They will really appreciate it.


Thats a great idea. I can definately do that. It's not that we can't or don't have the money. It's that we can't forsee the future and it is scarry.

lauradenise4779
01-08-2009, 10:09 PM
My uncle once said if you are lending money to someone, don't expect to get it back. If you can give it and not miss it, fine, but don't see it as a loan.
I have a family member that owes me money and I know she'll never give it back.

My thoughts exactly. Especially with family.

SleepyatDVC
01-08-2009, 10:16 PM
If you change your mind and do lend it, get in in writing and signed by both of them. Spell out what happens after the due date and it remains unpaid - late charges, interest, etc.

Worst case if they don't repay, you can take the loss on your taxes - they will have to report it as income. Or you or your kids can make a claim against their estate.:rolleyes1

I think Suze Orman has loan contract on her website you can modify for your use.

Good luck.

hoosiergirl7
01-08-2009, 10:34 PM
It's a don't. Why aren't they asking their parents if they need the money that badly? I would never ask my siblings or my BIL or SIL for the money if I needed it. But then again, I'm the type that puts away every last penny into savings so that I can survive for awhile and avoid this type of problem.

I like the idea that someone else posted about giving them a Gift Card to Walmart or other local grocery store to buy food and necessities.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

seashoreCM
01-08-2009, 10:39 PM
Do you really have money to spare? If you would have to take from your emergency fund (or maybe even your Disney fund) to lend then I suggest you don't do it.

Any jobs about the community that they could do? Yard work? Snow shoveling?

What would be the impact if their kids decide to take it upon themselves to drop some courses at school so they could get odd jobs themselves? (And make up the courses when times get better.)

seashoreCM
01-08-2009, 10:43 PM
Do you really have money to spare? If you would have to take from your emergency fund (or maybe even your Disney fund) to lend then I suggest you don't do it.

Any jobs about the community that they could do? Yard work? Snow shoveling?

What would be the impact if their kids decide to take it upon themselves to drop some courses at school so they could get odd jobs themselves? (And make up the courses when times get better.)

Caution. Do not take any "jobs" that require investments, membership fees, registration fees, paying for materials, kits, postage, advertising, additional phone services, computer components, etc. Do not leave computers on and connected to the internet to run unattended doing tasks for others.

mommycrawford
01-09-2009, 04:10 AM
From bad experiences, I have learned that is creates bad blood when there was none. Money, like books or videos, often never comes back to you, and resentments build up, not only between you and your in laws, but your husband may feel bad that his hamily messed you about.

They are going to have to figure their own stuff out down the line, so it might as well be now.

I don't mean to sound harsh or unfeeling, but this is an insidious unseen and always felt gnawing, and I'd hate to see your ship pulled down by theirs.

Sorry for you all!

:flower3:

vbarry
01-09-2009, 04:43 AM
All I can say is good luck to you.

I rent a house to my BIL and SIL and they just called this week and said they could not afford to pay the rent. I still do not know what to do. It is very hard when you mix money and family. I really want to help them out but if I say it is ok this month what will happen next month.:confused3

Hopefully everything will work out for them.

dahrjo
01-09-2009, 05:30 AM
My BIL lent us some money last year. Not expecting to get it back. We still would not have it to repay him and this is 6-8 months later.
I feel bad, though, because now his business has slowed down. Not that he would wish he didn't help us, but I think he could have used the money, even to have a little safer feeling for himself.

I do't expect to repay the money-because that is how there family is. But, of course if we had it in a few years, I'd gladly just give it him.

Michigan economy is awful!

kinntj
01-09-2009, 06:28 AM
We lent money to Dh's parents with the knowledge we'll never get it back. I think it was over $1,000 for back property taxes not paid on the house they live in. They wanted back taxes for the property up north and a house they inherited, but we said no to those.

They said they would pay us back starting in September of '08, but that never happened even when they started to rent out the inherited house. The way I looked at it in this instance, is it's either pay them the taxes or they'll have to live with us:scared1: . We gladly paid the taxes!:headache:

We hated to do it because his parents are really bad with money, but what can you do.

If they ask again, we will politely decline. I feel their rented house should be supplying them the money for the taxes on those 3 properties, since their house is paid for.

In your situation I would say no. If you lose your jobs YOU will need that money to get by. I'm sorry they didn't have a savings to help them out, but you can't sacrifice your cushion by giving it to them. That won't fix the problem in the long run.

tlbwriter
01-09-2009, 07:22 AM
All I can say is good luck to you.

I rent a house to my BIL and SIL and they just called this week and said they could not afford to pay the rent. I still do not know what to do. It is very hard when you mix money and family. I really want to help them out but if I say it is ok this month what will happen next month.:confused3

If this happens again, do not let it become your problem. Never say "okay." Turn it back on them.

"We don't have the money to pay you rent this month."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do about it?"

"Is it okay if we don't pay you the rent this month?"
"How could that be okay?"

Darcy03231
01-09-2009, 07:24 AM
Here's another no vote, unless you can afford to give it to them. Lending money to family is never a good idea. If you can afford to give them a smaller amount I would do that instead, saying unfortunately we cannot lend you X but we can give you X.

janni518
01-09-2009, 07:29 AM
let me preface this by saying that we are not what many would consider wealthy.

We never lend money to friends and family. We do however give money when we are able to people we know with a real need. This may be a few hundred or a few thousand depending on our situation at the time. All we ask is that they do the same when/if the are able.

It's like "Pay It Forward." Someone once showed us the same kindness when we were struggling badly. Takes the stress out of the situation for everyone.

DawnM
01-09-2009, 07:30 AM
I don't know how these folks lived, but I wouldn't lend to someone who hadn't saved.

It would actually irk me. We scrimp and save and go without extras to make sure we could survive for 6 months with no income. I would actually like to get that up to 12 months' savings.

I don't feel I am stingie, but when I see the person who asks for money has lived WITH everything we have gone without, I just couldn't do it.

Dawn

WendyisDarling
01-09-2009, 07:41 AM
I've already posted a few times, but this topic really has affected our family.

Let me provide a bad case scenario, which happened to us this past year.

We lent MIL money. She had been borrowing from her other son for quite a while. This seemed the right thing to do (and was except we didn't know how things work). When FIL died, instead of proving she had a life insurance policy that would pay off to the funeral home, we paid a lot of the expenses knowing the money would be returned when she received the life insurance money. She did in fact repay us as soon as she got the check.

BUT...trouble happened nearly a year later. MIL filed bankruptcy. Guess what? We had to return the money she paid us back to the estate! We were considered preferred creditors and "insiders" (just a term to mean family members). The court determined that she chose to pay us instead of others that she owed because we were family and that it wasn't fair to others she owed money (which I sort of understand from a legal standpoint). Not only did we have to return the money, we had to have a lawyer do all the paperwork to work out an agreement with the trustee to clear us of a judgment. (We could have filed a claim against the estate or attempted to negotiate, but the whole thing was a mess because she owed BIL so much money from other times she had borrowed and there was a lot going on we didn't know about).

So, lending that money not only turned into a "gift" , it also turned into legal fees, extra stress, time consumption, a big mess. We never would have thought that would happen.

Yes, this is an extreme situation. But, if you a family member that will pay you back and then they file bankruptcy within a year (vaies by state, I'd guess), you could be in for more than you ever bargained for.

BTW, I think the Wal-Mart gift card is an excellent idea and may help resolve some tension. :thumbsup2

bnorm27
01-09-2009, 07:52 AM
They say there are three things you should never talk about with your family: religion, politics, and money!

I like what some of the previous posters have stated. If you can afford to give them a gift, say $500 or so, then do it. You can tell them that you are unable to "lend" them the $2k, but to help out you would like to "give" them $500.

Lending money to family is kind of like investing. If you cannot afford to lose it, don't do it.

Good luck with your decision.

Chicago526
01-09-2009, 08:55 AM
Isn't there a saying, that if you lend your BIL $1000, and he doesn't pay you back so you never speak to him again, did you really lose anything? :rotfl:

Another vote for "don't do it". That said, if you DO do it, then get a contract. I think there is a website that helps set up personal loans between family and friends, if needed one can even send a debtor family member to collections (though I'm sure that would ruin the relationship). I can't remember the website but I'm sure it would pop up on a Google search.

Darsa
01-09-2009, 09:16 AM
All I can say is, if you DO decide to lend, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE GET IT IN WRITING!!

I work with our state's Bar Association, matching callers with attorneys based on their legal issues; a large percentage of them are people who are trying to collect after making a "verbal agreement". I'm not a lawyer, so I can't give them any legal info, but I know that it's something that isn't likely to work out in their favor. :sad2:

Good luck; I think that the gift card is a wonderful idea and a thoughtful gesture! :hug:

ArielsMommy
01-09-2009, 09:41 AM
My SIL's DH got layed off from his job and they are having money problems. She called DH tonight and asked him if they could borrow a bouple thousand dollars to cover the house payment for January anad February. She said they could pay us back in the middle of February. He told her he would have to talk to me about it. I said no way. He is an independent contractor and his business is not secure right now at all. I am clinging to my money. He feels really bad that he can't help her. Am I being selfish? I am just afraid that if they can't pay us back and his business slows down, where are we?:confused3

Don't do it. I did and I have since vowed never again. It has only harbored bad feelings and resentment on my part and guilt on the family member's part. It has been almost 3 years and they still have not paid me back and it has ruined my credit in the meantime. IMO, don't do it.

eliza61
01-09-2009, 10:04 AM
We do have the money. However, if DH has no business, we have no income. With this economy we may be living off our savings. SIL said they had no savings account.

How about a compromise? Say loan (give) her $1000. This way it won't hurt you so much if you don't get it back yet you still have helped.

arminnie
01-09-2009, 10:29 AM
Here's the out that I always use - I have all of my money tied up in accounts where I cannot touch it without substantial penalty. I just tell them that I put it longer CDs so I can't even use it for myself. Works every time.

I have a distant con-artist cousin that I have not seen in decades. She calls every 5-10 years with some hard luck story. For every medical or job problem that she had I have "one better". She rarely even gets around to asking for money as I've so thrwarted her sob story by then.

Praying Colonel
01-09-2009, 10:30 AM
I've never "loaned" money before--I'm not a bank, and I'm not equipped to collect or enforce a loan if they don't repay.

As for family, I have given money to family before when I had it. They called it a loan, but I considered it a gift because I knew I wouldn't try to collect or even bring it up in conversation if they didn't repay, and I had no expectation they'd repay. And there have been other times when I didn't have the $ to give anyone, and I said no.

Newfie2000
01-09-2009, 10:35 AM
I know I am going to be in the minority here but I just had to add some thoughts.

First of all, personally in the same situation if I had the money available and had a good relationship with the family member I would definitely lend the money - at least the first time around. BUT... I would have to make sure that I was okay with the fact that I could very well not get the money back and would not let that damage our relationship in any way. As others have suggested I would not "gift" the money as to me that opens the door for future "gifts" and I would not want to start that habit.

But this is going to be one huge area where my opinions differ. I would definitely NOT put anything in writing. To me I would be doing a family member a favor, and if they valued the relationship as much as I did they would pay me back in time - however if they chose not to I would walk away knowing that I did a family member a good deed and that I knew I could very well not get the money back. I would most likely never lend them money again but I would not harbor bad feelings. But to put it in writing would be more like a business venture to me and it would make things awkward and tense. At that point no longer am I graciously trying to help a family member but I am enetering into a loan agreement. And that does not represent a family relationship to me. I know if my family member needed money badly enough to ask me for it then they do not need to be further humiliated by having to sign a contract, etc. If that is necessary then perhaps they should be visiting a bank and not me. To me it just strongly goes against the grain of family and what that represents. Sorry, just my opinion!

And some have degraded this family for not having any savings to depend on - but noone has bothered to ask many questions before passsing judgement. Times are tough folks, perhaps this family had savings and it has been used up already. None of us can ever honestly say we have enough left to survive comfortably no matter what circumstances should happen to come our way. I know many say that you should have a 3-5 months of mortgage and bill money readily saved - I am here to tell you that is not nearly enough!

Let me give you a flip side example to some of the stories you have already heard. Last year my DH was laid off in Oct. 07. This is pretty typical for us as he is a union construction worker and we are used to long winters off most years. For that reason I hoard money and save year round so that we are always comfortable during those times and live comfortably without relying on savings. However in Nov. a medical issue came up and he required surgery. He was medically out of work until March and just before being released another surgery became necessary. Normally March would find him working once again, but medically this was impossible. We were just about set to return to normal and his gallbladder decided to act up and the first week of July found him in the hospital again. Total last year he had four surgeries, all of them necessary immediately. And September he started a 6 month chemotherapy course which he is currently still undergoing. He is the solo bread winner in the family and I was willing to go to work and try to help make ends meet however we were back and forth to drs. hospitals and chemo and he was unable to drive - I needed to be home. I might also tell you I am only 36 years old and never expected my life to take a turn like this. By the time late October 08 rolled around things were getting pretty bad. A year prior we had already cut out most extras, and had changed our lifestyle drastically, no more eating out, bowling, movies, going out with family and friends. My SIL frequently asked us if we were okay and how things were going. When I replied we were okay she often commented on how amazed she was that I had enough put away to keep us going and that they would of lost their house in our position. That felt good to know that many others would of fallen long before I did but still as time went on - it was gettig harder and harder. One night while talking to her right after chemo started and the effects were taking place I burst into tears and just snapped. I told her I was not sure how much more I could handle and I was not just talking about finances - everything was getting to me. We were going to their house that weekend just to play some games and spend some time together and SIL came over to me and handed me a check. I was shocked and told her DH would never agree to this and that I could not take it. She assured me that if it made me more comfortable I could keep it between us and not tell DH. The next thing she did was took my hand and gave me a wad of bills and said and this is in case you guys need some cash right away. Please let us know when you need more. I cried that night for hours and eventually did tell DH what had happened. He called his brother and SIL and tried to return the money they refused. They said they needed to know that he could relax and recooperate and not worry about finances. DH reminded them that he was not sure what the future was going to hold and when he could resume work. They told him it did not matter. We emphatically told them as soon as we could we would begin paying them back. They were so graceful and understanding it was amazing. And DH returned to work about 1 1/2 months later. He works when he can and does not push himself further than possible since he is still in chemo. I have found lots of ways to earn extra and we did pay them back faster than we ever hoped for. But I have to tell you they were our angels - I don't think I ever would of asked but then knew us well enough to know what was happen, they saw the changes and they saw us struggle to hold things together for over a year and they reacted. We will never,. ever forget that! And our relationship has grown so much stronger for that. We were close before, unbelievably close but now we know exactly how much we would do for the other. And you know - I am not ashamed that the savings was not enough - I am not going to apologize for not being careful enough. It happens - circumstances far worse than you think are imaginable can and do come up. Family should be there during those rough times! But then again family can easily take advantage.

But I will say follow your heart and your instincts. Only you know what type of people they are. Only you know if they have really tried to make ends meet without asking your aid, only you know if theyhave any intention of ever paying you back. And only you know how this will effect your relationship either way. I believe instinct is an invaluable tool and all too often we cast it aside.

Anyways, I have rattled on long enough and I apologize to all of you for doing so. But it hurt to hear some of the judgements being tossed around. Believe I never, ever expected to be in the shoes I found myself in and it isnot a pleasant place to be. Please know we will keep you and your family members in ourt prayers and hope that this is the start of a new beginning for all of you.:grouphug:

RadioFanatic
01-09-2009, 10:37 AM
When I was pregnant with our DS, IL's called to borrow several thousands of dollars that they were going to pay us back starting the next month. This was 8/07. We're now if 1/09 and have not seen a dime and not a word has been mentioned by then. I don't expect to see it and will never ask for it; but we will not loan anymore money to them as we have our DS to think of now.

My SIL's DH got layed off from his job and they are having money problems. She called DH tonight and asked him if they could borrow a bouple thousand dollars to cover the house payment for January anad February. She said they could pay us back in the middle of February. He told her he would have to talk to me about it. I said no way. He is an independent contractor and his business is not secure right now at all. I am clinging to my money. He feels really bad that he can't help her. Am I being selfish? I am just afraid that if they can't pay us back and his business slows down, where are we?:confused3

EthansMom
01-09-2009, 10:39 AM
We don't lend money to friends or family members. If a family member had a true need through no fault of their own, then we would GIVE them an amount we could afford.

Let's say, one of our nieces or nephews needed some kind of expensive medical treatment that wasn't entirely covered by insurance. DH and I would be happy to contribute $500 to help cover the cost.

Let's say, BIL and SIL have been living high on the hog and putting nothing away for a rainy day. Suddenly, the economy takes a nosedive and BIL and SIL call looking for a handout. DH and I would advise them to find something to sell rather than give them money.

Lenders are currently being pretty understanding with homeowners who are in default. If the OP's BIL and SIL really will have the money to repay in a couple months, the lender would probably be happy to get it then. If not, there are worse things in life than losing your house to foreclosure.

TheRustyScupper
01-09-2009, 11:01 AM
1) With all the comments, I guess we have been pretty lucky.
2) There have been several times we would lend money.
. . . friends in dire financial problems, we got them on their feet
. . . kids, where we paid for their house down payment
. . . friend, who needed cash due to a prolonged illness
3) In all cases, except one, we were paid back.
4) Sure, some took a year or two, but it came back.

5) I would say do what you comfortably feel like doing.
6) No one should criticize whether you lend or do not lend.
7) If you lend, you should see their plan for repayment (not like AIG loans).

NOTE: When lending to relatives, always have a clear plan for repayment. Chasing relatives for bucks can create enemies out of relations.

fireflymedic
01-09-2009, 11:37 AM
you dont "loan" money to someone that does not have a job.

they will have no way of paying you back,

give thim some money or just keep your ear out for jobs for thim

sbell111
01-09-2009, 11:38 AM
Never loan money to family (or anyone you like). It will only cause angst and ruin relationships. If they need it and you can afford it, give it to them. Otherwise, back away.

KirstenB
01-09-2009, 11:56 AM
I know I am going to be in the minority here but I just had to add some thoughts.

First of all, personally in the same situation if I had the money available and had a good relationship with the family member I would definitely lend the money - at least the first time around. BUT... I would have to make sure that I was okay with the fact that I could very well not get the money back and would not let that damage our relationship in any way. As others have suggested I would not "gift" the money as to me that opens the door for future "gifts" and I would not want to start that habit.

But this is going to be one huge area where my opinions differ. I would definitely NOT put anything in writing. To me I would be doing a family member a favor, and if they valued the relationship as much as I did they would pay me back in time - however if they chose not to I would walk away knowing that I did a family member a good deed and that I knew I could very well not get the money back. I would most likely never lend them money again but I would not harbor bad feelings. But to put it in writing would be more like a business venture to me and it would make things awkward and tense. At that point no longer am I graciously trying to help a family member but I am enetering into a loan agreement. And that does not represent a family relationship to me. I know if my family member needed money badly enough to ask me for it then they do not need to be further humiliated by having to sign a contract, etc. If that is necessary then perhaps they should be visiting a bank and not me. To me it just strongly goes against the grain of family and what that represents. Sorry, just my opinion!

And some have degraded this family for not having any savings to depend on - but noone has bothered to ask many questions before passsing judgement. Times are tough folks, perhaps this family had savings and it has been used up already. None of us can ever honestly say we have enough left to survive comfortably no matter what circumstances should happen to come our way. I know many say that you should have a 3-5 months of mortgage and bill money readily saved - I am here to tell you that is not nearly enough!

Let me give you a flip side example to some of the stories you have already heard. Last year my DH was laid off in Oct. 07. This is pretty typical for us as he is a union construction worker and we are used to long winters off most years. For that reason I hoard money and save year round so that we are always comfortable during those times and live comfortably without relying on savings. However in Nov. a medical issue came up and he required surgery. He was medically out of work until March and just before being released another surgery became necessary. Normally March would find him working once again, but medically this was impossible. We were just about set to return to normal and his gallbladder decided to act up and the first week of July found him in the hospital again. Total last year he had four surgeries, all of them necessary immediately. And September he started a 6 month chemotherapy course which he is currently still undergoing. He is the solo bread winner in the family and I was willing to go to work and try to help make ends meet however we were back and forth to drs. hospitals and chemo and he was unable to drive - I needed to be home. I might also tell you I am only 36 years old and never expected my life to take a turn like this. By the time late October 08 rolled around things were getting pretty bad. A year prior we had already cut out most extras, and had changed our lifestyle drastically, no more eating out, bowling, movies, going out with family and friends. My SIL frequently asked us if we were okay and how things were going. When I replied we were okay she often commented on how amazed she was that I had enough put away to keep us going and that they would of lost their house in our position. That felt good to know that many others would of fallen long before I did but still as time went on - it was gettig harder and harder. One night while talking to her right after chemo started and the effects were taking place I burst into tears and just snapped. I told her I was not sure how much more I could handle and I was not just talking about finances - everything was getting to me. We were going to their house that weekend just to play some games and spend some time together and SIL came over to me and handed me a check. I was shocked and told her DH would never agree to this and that I could not take it. She assured me that if it made me more comfortable I could keep it between us and not tell DH. The next thing she did was took my hand and gave me a wad of bills and said and this is in case you guys need some cash right away. Please let us know when you need more. I cried that night for hours and eventually did tell DH what had happened. He called his brother and SIL and tried to return the money they refused. They said they needed to know that he could relax and recooperate and not worry about finances. DH reminded them that he was not sure what the future was going to hold and when he could resume work. They told him it did not matter. We emphatically told them as soon as we could we would begin paying them back. They were so graceful and understanding it was amazing. And DH returned to work about 1 1/2 months later. He works when he can and does not push himself further than possible since he is still in chemo. I have found lots of ways to earn extra and we did pay them back faster than we ever hoped for. But I have to tell you they were our angels - I don't think I ever would of asked but then knew us well enough to know what was happen, they saw the changes and they saw us struggle to hold things together for over a year and they reacted. We will never,. ever forget that! And our relationship has grown so much stronger for that. We were close before, unbelievably close but now we know exactly how much we would do for the other. And you know - I am not ashamed that the savings was not enough - I am not going to apologize for not being careful enough. It happens - circumstances far worse than you think are imaginable can and do come up. Family should be there during those rough times! But then again family can easily take advantage.

But I will say follow your heart and your instincts. Only you know what type of people they are. Only you know if they have really tried to make ends meet without asking your aid, only you know if theyhave any intention of ever paying you back. And only you know how this will effect your relationship either way. I believe instinct is an invaluable tool and all too often we cast it aside.

Anyways, I have rattled on long enough and I apologize to all of you for doing so. But it hurt to hear some of the judgements being tossed around. Believe I never, ever expected to be in the shoes I found myself in and it isnot a pleasant place to be. Please know we will keep you and your family members in ourt prayers and hope that this is the start of a new beginning for all of you.:grouphug:

I'm so glad you posted this. I have no personal experience with lending family members much over a couple hundred bucks, so I hesitated to offer my opinion. Your post shows that people can plan, and work their butts off, and sometimes it's still not enough. My eyes teared up reading about your SIL's kindness.

OP, most of us have relatives that can be a little sketchy. If this is the case, don't lend the money. But if it's just a bad time for your in laws, and they're good people, try to find a way to help out.

fairykin
01-09-2009, 12:04 PM
My Only Sibling was laid off on new years eve along with the 8 people in his office. For the first time in his life he is without a job.
As soon as I found out.. I went through my budget and found 500 that I can afford to give each month til He gets a job.

My brother would help me in anyway he could. I will help him in anyway i can.

It's not a loan.. it's how could i not help out when i am able.:confused3

I feel grateful to be able to help... just imagine would bad it would feel to not be able to help someone that you love.

Gratitude allows me to help my brother.

Search your budget and your heart and find what you can give.

Trish Bessette
01-09-2009, 12:26 PM
If she said she could pay you back in February why can't she make that month's mortgage payment:confused3

Sorry if this was already brought up - I didn't read all 4 pages.

tlbwriter
01-09-2009, 12:35 PM
If she said she could pay you back in February why can't she make that month's mortgage payment:confused3



That's a good point. If she's going to have all of the money in February, she could simply pay her January and February mortgage payments when the money shows up. Yes, she'd be a month behind, but nothing would happen.

TheBigBadWolf
01-09-2009, 01:08 PM
I have loaned money to my DB & DS several times, and they have loaned me money in the past, too. We have no parents to rely on in an emergency, and we help each other when we've needed to. We ALWAYS repay our loans.

On DH's side, I might be reluctant to loan money to some of his family. Most have no financial sense and never save for a rainy day. Fortunately, we have only had to loan money to one DS and she repaid us immediately, even though she is the worst with money. Another DS has cancer and is going through treatment out of state, so we will GIVE her money to help out with their expenses. They are having a rough time right now with both DS & BIL missing months of work due to the cancer treatment. We are glad to help them in any way we can.

DH has a son that we will never loan money to again. We have loaned him so much in the past, and paid his bills for him, and he has never repaid a dime to us. We finally told him upfront, "Don't ask again. We have given you all the money we are ever going to give you". We have tried to teach him to be responsible with money but it's a losing battle.

I say help your SIL if at all possible, even if it's only $1000. That's what family is for.

punkin
01-09-2009, 01:53 PM
I have loaned money to my DB & DS several times, and they have loaned me money in the past, too. We have no parents to rely on in an emergency, and we help each other when we've needed to. We ALWAYS repay our loans.

When my sister was alive, we had money going both ways-to help each other with short term cash flow issues. We never had a problem.

***

I say help your SIL if at all possible, even if it's only $1000. That's what family is for.

Yes, that is what family is for. Unless, SIL has shown herself to be irresponsible in the past or has not repaid you or someone else, why not give her the money?

Sillyminny40
01-09-2009, 02:22 PM
Do not lend the money. You do not have it.

I agree, give the $100 gift card. If you are religious, pray that they can become more responsible.
Neither a lender nor a borrower be.

missj1975
01-09-2009, 03:15 PM
Hmmm, everyone has such good responses. My first thought was no don't lend them money. I personally have never loaned anyone money but I my aunt has to my constant down-in-the-luck (usually his fault) cousin who never pays her back fully, yet she still loans him money. Why? because he is family and she can afford to. Sure she should probably save the money for a rainy day and maybe one day she might need that money but for now she finds my cousin's needs more important then any "what if" scenerios.

I understand that you should take care of your family first but if the only reason you aren't loaning her the money is because you don't know what the future holds and you might need the money in the future, then I think you are wrong. No one knows what the future holds. The world could end tomorrow. Who knows? But what I do know family is important and we should be there for them. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you have family that would help you through tough times?

I also think there is a good chance your SIL's situation is a lot worse then you think (but I am just guessing). Most people don't ask for loans at the first sign of trouble, they usually wait until all their resources are exhausted and they are pretty desperate. Just a thought.

missj1975
01-09-2009, 03:19 PM
Do not lend the money. You do not have it.

I agree, give the $100 gift card. If you are religious, pray that they can become more responsible.
Neither a lender nor a borrower be.

Are you religious? Because I am and I was taught to help my fellow brothers and sisters. We don't know that her family wasn't responsible with their money. I thought this was a lost job situation, not a crazy credit card spending situation.

I personally think the $100 gift card is a slap in the face. It is like saying "sorry you need $2000, here take $100 so you can at least eat for a week before you lose your house."

AnnaS
01-09-2009, 03:41 PM
I know I am going to be in the minority here but I just had to add some thoughts.

First of all, personally in the same situation if I had the money available and had a good relationship with the family member I would definitely lend the money - at least the first time around. BUT... I would have to make sure that I was okay with the fact that I could very well not get the money back and would not let that damage our relationship in any way. As others have suggested I would not "gift" the money as to me that opens the door for future "gifts" and I would not want to start that habit.

But this is going to be one huge area where my opinions differ. I would definitely NOT put anything in writing. To me I would be doing a family member a favor, and if they valued the relationship as much as I did they would pay me back in time - however if they chose not to I would walk away knowing that I did a family member a good deed and that I knew I could very well not get the money back. I would most likely never lend them money again but I would not harbor bad feelings. But to put it in writing would be more like a business venture to me and it would make things awkward and tense. At that point no longer am I graciously trying to help a family member but I am enetering into a loan agreement. And that does not represent a family relationship to me. I know if my family member needed money badly enough to ask me for it then they do not need to be further humiliated by having to sign a contract, etc. If that is necessary then perhaps they should be visiting a bank and not me. To me it just strongly goes against the grain of family and what that represents. Sorry, just my opinion!

And some have degraded this family for not having any savings to depend on - but noone has bothered to ask many questions before passsing judgement. Times are tough folks, perhaps this family had savings and it has been used up already. None of us can ever honestly say we have enough left to survive comfortably no matter what circumstances should happen to come our way. I know many say that you should have a 3-5 months of mortgage and bill money readily saved - I am here to tell you that is not nearly enough!

Let me give you a flip side example to some of the stories you have already heard. Last year my DH was laid off in Oct. 07. This is pretty typical for us as he is a union construction worker and we are used to long winters off most years. For that reason I hoard money and save year round so that we are always comfortable during those times and live comfortably without relying on savings. However in Nov. a medical issue came up and he required surgery. He was medically out of work until March and just before being released another surgery became necessary. Normally March would find him working once again, but medically this was impossible. We were just about set to return to normal and his gallbladder decided to act up and the first week of July found him in the hospital again. Total last year he had four surgeries, all of them necessary immediately. And September he started a 6 month chemotherapy course which he is currently still undergoing. He is the solo bread winner in the family and I was willing to go to work and try to help make ends meet however we were back and forth to drs. hospitals and chemo and he was unable to drive - I needed to be home. I might also tell you I am only 36 years old and never expected my life to take a turn like this. By the time late October 08 rolled around things were getting pretty bad. A year prior we had already cut out most extras, and had changed our lifestyle drastically, no more eating out, bowling, movies, going out with family and friends. My SIL frequently asked us if we were okay and how things were going. When I replied we were okay she often commented on how amazed she was that I had enough put away to keep us going and that they would of lost their house in our position. That felt good to know that many others would of fallen long before I did but still as time went on - it was gettig harder and harder. One night while talking to her right after chemo started and the effects were taking place I burst into tears and just snapped. I told her I was not sure how much more I could handle and I was not just talking about finances - everything was getting to me. We were going to their house that weekend just to play some games and spend some time together and SIL came over to me and handed me a check. I was shocked and told her DH would never agree to this and that I could not take it. She assured me that if it made me more comfortable I could keep it between us and not tell DH. The next thing she did was took my hand and gave me a wad of bills and said and this is in case you guys need some cash right away. Please let us know when you need more. I cried that night for hours and eventually did tell DH what had happened. He called his brother and SIL and tried to return the money they refused. They said they needed to know that he could relax and recooperate and not worry about finances. DH reminded them that he was not sure what the future was going to hold and when he could resume work. They told him it did not matter. We emphatically told them as soon as we could we would begin paying them back. They were so graceful and understanding it was amazing. And DH returned to work about 1 1/2 months later. He works when he can and does not push himself further than possible since he is still in chemo. I have found lots of ways to earn extra and we did pay them back faster than we ever hoped for. But I have to tell you they were our angels - I don't think I ever would of asked but then knew us well enough to know what was happen, they saw the changes and they saw us struggle to hold things together for over a year and they reacted. We will never,. ever forget that! And our relationship has grown so much stronger for that. We were close before, unbelievably close but now we know exactly how much we would do for the other. And you know - I am not ashamed that the savings was not enough - I am not going to apologize for not being careful enough. It happens - circumstances far worse than you think are imaginable can and do come up. Family should be there during those rough times! But then again family can easily take advantage.

But I will say follow your heart and your instincts. Only you know what type of people they are. Only you know if they have really tried to make ends meet without asking your aid, only you know if theyhave any intention of ever paying you back. And only you know how this will effect your relationship either way. I believe instinct is an invaluable tool and all too often we cast it aside.

Anyways, I have rattled on long enough and I apologize to all of you for doing so. But it hurt to hear some of the judgements being tossed around. Believe I never, ever expected to be in the shoes I found myself in and it isnot a pleasant place to be. Please know we will keep you and your family members in ourt prayers and hope that this is the start of a new beginning for all of you.:grouphug:


Yes, this brought tears to my eyes also. We went through a very similar experience recently. My dh is/was also a construction worker. We also saved, saved and saved and it paid off. It was not easy, it was tough not knowing how long we would have to live waiting and waiting. My dh suffered a heart attack, three months later had a quadruple bypass and three months after that another emergency surgery for fluid around the heart. We lived off our savings for 10 months until everything was settled. I had two family members who reminded me over and over that they were there if we needed anything. It was a great comfort just to know that.

Having said that - you know your finances, you know your relationship and you might or might not know how they handled their finances. We can't judge now when they might be desperate. You might be able to help them now but what about tomorrow? They need to have a plan in motion. Regardless, do what you feel is comfortable and what you can afford to give/give up as a gift. If they pay you back, great, if not - that should be okay too. You and you dh will know if they have or will take advantage of you.

Everyone means well and just want to to be aware of all the possibilities. It is a very tough situation to be in. Are there parents involved (both sides? just curious).

Good luck to them.

Belle5
01-09-2009, 03:53 PM
I have not read the other responses. My 2 cents--give them $500 as a gift (or whatever amount you are comfortable with). They will have to call other people besides you and ask for help and will (perhaps) get some other gifts. You never loan money to family and expect to see it again.

brekin67
01-09-2009, 04:58 PM
I have lent money to family members in the past. I don't get paid back, then they stop talking to me to avoid the conversation, then things get weird.
I would never loan money to anyone again unless I had it to just give as a gift with no hope of it being returned. If they can't pay now, why would February be different. (maybe tax refund)

tlh0726
01-09-2009, 05:04 PM
The decision is yours to make. People can tell you why or why not to lend them the money. Definitely do not expect to ever be paid back

If my brother and wife came to my DH and me, my answer would be no. For 16 years we have watched the way THEY CHOOSE to spend their money. They put their wants before their needs and then when they cannot make their mortgage payment, electric, cable etc. THEY EXPECT everyone around them to help them out. My SIL goes tanning everyday, spend $$ having her nails done each week, they run to the Walmart every day, etc etc. My brother has to have new motorcycles, camping trailers, and all the other toys. A few Christmas ago, my brother went to make a house payment and the bank said that there was not enough funds in his account, when he went home and question his wife and she replied the bank can wait for their money, I picked up all my layaways. Excuse me but having a roof over my head is way more important than having 100 presents under a tree.

So ask yourself, do they normally spend their money wisely (living within their means) or are they ones that have to have everything they want?
Will the money be used for the purpose that they are requesting it for?

Kellydelly
01-09-2009, 05:19 PM
I personally think the $100 gift card is a slap in the face. It is like saying "sorry you need $2000, here take $100 so you can at least eat for a week before you lose your house."


No, it sure wouldn't be a slap in the face! As someone who's husband lost his job 5 wks ago, someone who is quite freaked out about whether he'll ever get another and how we are going to make ends meet, it would be a BLESSING to know that even if my family can't help me with as much as I asked for, they care enough to help me buy SOMETHING to sustain my family during a crisis.

momxx5
01-09-2009, 05:21 PM
Only you can know in your heart what is the right thing to do.

People can give endless examples of bad family loans and some people can give examples of great help.

We had to ask for help from my mom once and I tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I cried and cried. We paid her back and gave her extra "as interest".

My DH gets a "bonus" the same time every year so my mom was the first one paid.

We are now struggling and I mean really struggling. I have been looking for a job for a while, DH is taking a pay cut and our health insurance increased. For the next month or two we are rocky.
If I had a family member to ask it would be my last resort.

Do you think that it was easy for her to ask for help? Some people assume family=money so they expect things. Other people find asking very hard. Can you tell?

I think if you have the money available that you should lend it. Have hope that they will come through and repay you.
I think $100 GC, although sounds nice, is not really what they are looking for right now. The need cash.
Is it possible for you to directly pay one month's mortgage?

Sillyminny40
01-11-2009, 01:34 PM
My BIL had cancer. Every family member gave him money, they did not lend.

ThreeMusketeers
01-11-2009, 02:13 PM
Hmmm, everyone has such good responses. My first thought was no don't lend them money. I personally have never loaned anyone money but I my aunt has to my constant down-in-the-luck (usually his fault) cousin who never pays her back fully, yet she still loans him money. Why? because he is family and she can afford to. Sure she should probably save the money for a rainy day and maybe one day she might need that money but for now she finds my cousin's needs more important then any "what if" scenerios.

I understand that you should take care of your family first but if the only reason you aren't loaning her the money is because you don't know what the future holds and you might need the money in the future, then I think you are wrong. No one knows what the future holds. The world could end tomorrow. Who knows? But what I do know family is important and we should be there for them. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you have family that would help you through tough times?

I also think there is a good chance your SIL's situation is a lot worse then you think (but I am just guessing). Most people don't ask for loans at the first sign of trouble, they usually wait until all their resources are exhausted and they are pretty desperate. Just a thought.


COMPLETLY AGREE!

treboats
01-11-2009, 02:27 PM
We lent money to the inlaws last year and it drove me nuts until they paid us back. I has a really hard time with it and MIL has a gambling issue so it drove me completely insane to know that she was at the casino when she owed us money. I will say I will never do it again as far as they know from now on we are broke.

jlima
01-11-2009, 03:01 PM
My SIL's DH got layed off from his job and they are having money problems. She called DH tonight and asked him if they could borrow a bouple thousand dollars to cover the house payment for January anad February. She said they could pay us back in the middle of February. He told her he would have to talk to me about it. I said no way. He is an independent contractor and his business is not secure right now at all. I am clinging to my money. He feels really bad that he can't help her. Am I being selfish? I am just afraid that if they can't pay us back and his business slows down, where are we?:confused3
ITA you shouldn't lend them the money. You are not being selfish. They need to work something out with their lender.

However, if you change your mind and if you do help them, ask for the coupon from the mortgage, and make the check payable to the mortgage company, and mail it yourself, so the money goes where it's supposed to. And if the money to pay you back is coming from their tax refund, they can assign the refund to you on the tax return, so the $$ goes straight to you.

mickeyluv'r
01-11-2009, 03:07 PM
I would rather give money to a family member than 'lose' a family member over a few thousand. If you can't afford it, then tell them your situation.

I don't know your family or your history, so I am thinking of my family. I agree that I wouldn't really EXPECT the money back - so I woudn't let their non-payment ruin your relationship with them either.

I would investigate why they think they'll be able to repay. Maybe the situation is legit, in which case, if my sister lost her house because I didn't help her out when she couldhave repaid me, I'd feell really bad. But that's my family and my situation. I have good reason to trust my family. I also think if one of my sibling was in the situation - we'd all be able to pool together to help out. I sure would like to think that my siblings would be willing to help me out...but I hope I never have to find out either.

Liltx
01-11-2009, 03:28 PM
I haven't read through all of the posts but here is my take on it after having gone through this MANY times with my MIL.

First, I learned that it had to be my husband's decision. To him it was much more than financial. He was the one who had more invested in the relationship and I learned to trust him with the decison he needed to make.

Yes, at points (she failed to make the yearly tax payments on 2 houses, and needed a new engine) it did hurt us financially. But we always made up the money some how. She paid us back what she could and the effort was apparent. This was 2 years ago and now we are more than fine again.

I would at least suggest to him that $1000 would be an appropriate GIFT. It is his sister after all. The GIFT of $1000 might mean more than a loan of $2000. And will save you both the mess if she can't pay you back. You never know what you might need someday, God forbid. Hopefully, we will all continue to be blessed with financial security but no matter how much you save and plan there is always a chance that it can all be taken away. If giving is ALWAYS easy than maybe we aren't giving enough?

Monica

maxiesmom
01-11-2009, 03:34 PM
Hmmm, everyone has such good responses. My first thought was no don't lend them money. I personally have never loaned anyone money but I my aunt has to my constant down-in-the-luck (usually his fault) cousin who never pays her back fully, yet she still loans him money. Why? because he is family and she can afford to. Sure she should probably save the money for a rainy day and maybe one day she might need that money but for now she finds my cousin's needs more important then any "what if" scenerios.

I understand that you should take care of your family first but if the only reason you aren't loaning her the money is because you don't know what the future holds and you might need the money in the future, then I think you are wrong. No one knows what the future holds. The world could end tomorrow. Who knows? But what I do know family is important and we should be there for them. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you have family that would help you through tough times?

I also think there is a good chance your SIL's situation is a lot worse then you think (but I am just guessing). Most people don't ask for loans at the first sign of trouble, they usually wait until all their resources are exhausted and they are pretty desperate. Just a thought.

I don't agree with lending them money just because they are family. You need to look at a few things first. How much would it hurt your relationship if you lent them the money and then they couldn't pay it back? And what would happen then if you had no income for a while and had spent your savings on them? Where would your family be? Could you survive?

Having said that I have lent my parents money. Over $3000 and I know I will never get it back. And my sis and her hubby lent them $2000 at the same time. My parents were desperate, so we lent them the money. My brother in law even set them up on a budget. After all of that my parents still ended up going into bankrupcy. So it is like I just threw my money into the wind. Money I really couldn't afford to give them. And it has most definately put a wierd kind of vibe into our relationship.

Maybe look at your finances and see if there is an amount you can comfortabley gift them. But do not put your own family at risk by giving them money you cannot afford. No one knows what the future holds, but that is not an excuse for pulling the safety net out from under YOUR family.

3goofyboys
01-11-2009, 03:37 PM
You know your SIL best, is she living within her means and just down on her luck or is she spending money she doesn't have and looking for a bailout? If she's living within her means, I'd give her the money. I wouldn't lend the money because IMHO lending money is never a good idea. 2 years ago I "lent" my BIL and sister money to pay bills for a restaurant I knew was failing because I felt like the relationship was more important than the money. It has changed our relationship in ways I never would have imagined. Every time they get a new toy or gadget, it peeves me because I know they owe me (and many, many other people) money. When they choose to spend extra money on things like that, it feels like they are blowing us all off and are spitting in the face of the help we gave them. When my BIL showed up at christmas with a new iphone, I about lost it. In retrospect I wish I would have given the money as a gift and insisted they never pay it back.

Princess April
01-11-2009, 04:31 PM
Here's another vote for not lending them the $$$$...... See all the other points listed above for all the good reasons not to lend. Now on to some ideas that may help...
1) gift card to Walmart or Target. This way they can purchase food or other needs.
2) electric or phone gift cards. Believe it or not these things do exist :rolleyes: . Now, they may not in their area but hear me out. I was playing around with a friend that moved to Georgia (they were a little strapped b/c they just purchased their first home) and I went on the web site for her power co. (I think to help answer a question for her) and I saw that you could purchase gift cards for electricity. Why not try to help them in this way? Maybe paying a few utility bills would ease the burden and then they could at least make a partial mortgage payment.
All in all I just love how other people like to involve others in their problems (no flames I know we are talking about family here) but now the OP is feeling bad b/c she is financially responsible and SIL and BIL are not.:sad2: Just not fair in my humble opinion..... Good luck OP, I'm sure you'll do what is right for your family.

Mad4Mickey
01-11-2009, 06:26 PM
I have loaned so much money to family and not gotten it back I know what you are feeling .
My Grandfather once told me " Never loan money you cant afford to look at as a gift because you may never get it back "

I only went against that one time with a very large amount 10K :scared: to my Sperm Donor ( I cant even call him my Dad ) and I am still waiting after 11 years for the 5 months to be up that he said it would take to get it back to me :sad2:

hrh_disney_queen
01-11-2009, 06:53 PM
I agree with the PPs stating that if you can't afford to give it, don't lend it. I also wanted to add that if you can't be comfortable with these family members if they don't pay you back, don't lend it either. Not worth a rift in the family if they renege on the debt. Although they may have hard feelings if you refuse, too. Sorry, OP that you are put into this position.

tlbwriter
01-12-2009, 11:49 AM
I understand that you should take care of your family first but if the only reason you aren't loaning her the money is because you don't know what the future holds and you might need the money in the future, then I think you are wrong.

No, it is never wrong to decide not to loan money.

missj1975
01-12-2009, 12:07 PM
No, it is never wrong to decide not to loan money.

Your opinion just as my post was my opinion.

Most of this thread is about bad experiences with loaning money to family. What about the good experiences about loaning money to family?

I am thankful everyday that I have family that would loan me money if my life took a turn for the worst and I needed money to get by. I am sticking with the opinion that every "loan" situation is different and should be evaluated differently. Thank god I have family that would help me out in time of need without a second thought to how it would effect their future bottomline.

Newfie2000
01-12-2009, 12:29 PM
Your opinion just as my post was my opinion.

Most of this thread is about bad experiences with loaning money to family. What about the good experiences about loaning money to family?

I am thankful everyday that I have family that would loan me money if my life took a turn for the worst and I needed money to get by. I am sticking with the opinion that every "loan" situation is different and should be evaluated differently. Thank god I have family that would help me out in time of need without a second thought to how it would effect their future bottomline.


Well said! And I am in full agreement - you clearly stated that as your opinion and there was no reason that you should of been jumped on for posting your opinion! I am one of a few who did the take the time to write a lengthy and positive post about family lending. But I also do realize that every family situation is different! Guess we are both blessed to have wonderful family units!!:goodvibes

Kellydelly
01-12-2009, 12:38 PM
Your opinion just as my post was my opinion.

Most of this thread is about bad experiences with loaning money to family. What about the good experiences about loaning money to family?

I am thankful everyday that I have family that would loan me money if my life took a turn for the worst and I needed money to get by. I am sticking with the opinion that every "loan" situation is different and should be evaluated differently. Thank god I have family that would help me out in time of need without a second thought to how it would effect their future bottomline.


Thank you! Nobody knows when the floor may drop from beneath them, stuff happens and I am thankful that I have family or friends that are willing to help in times of need. Just never say never.

Darcy03231
01-12-2009, 01:34 PM
My SIL's DH got layed off from his job and they are having money problems. She called DH tonight and asked him if they could borrow a bouple thousand dollars to cover the house payment for January anad February. She said they could pay us back in the middle of February. He told her he would have to talk to me about it. I said no way. He is an independent contractor and his business is not secure right now at all. I am clinging to my money. He feels really bad that he can't help her. Am I being selfish? I am just afraid that if they can't pay us back and his business slows down, where are we?:confused3

While there are positive family lending experiences (just as there are negatives) in the OP's situation there is no way I would loan money from my savings. Sorry, my immediate family comes first and there is no way I would jeopardize my financial security, even for another family member. I would give them an amount I could afford to give but not make a loan. If its for their house payment and they'll have the money in February, they can make both January and February's payment themselves at that time. The banks don't do anything until you're at least 90 days in arrears. SIL should call the bank, tell them what's happening, make whatever payment she can now and pay the balance in February, when she planned to pay the OP back.

bookgirl
01-12-2009, 01:36 PM
My brother, my mom, my dad, my BFF, I would loan/give money to them in a heartbeat, heck I'd take another job and give them the money from it if they needed it. I'd give it to them before they asked. I'd drain my savings for them. Those people are more important than money.

Anyone else, I wouldn't "have" the money to give them. In that case the money is more important.

It's all about what relationships are important and what your heart tells you. Only you know if they "deserve" help, or if it would just be a mistake. If it's just your fears holding you back, then maybe you could cover one month and tell them you'll just have to see about next month.

ThreeMusketeers
01-12-2009, 02:16 PM
While there are positive family lending experiences (just as there are negatives) in the OP's situation there is no way I would loan money from my savings. Sorry, my immediate family comes first and there is no way I would jeopardize my financial security, even for another family member. I would give them an amount I could afford to give but not make a loan. If its for their house payment and they'll have the money in February, they can make both January and February's payment themselves at that time. The banks don't do anything until you're at least 90 days in arrears. SIL should call the bank, tell them what's happening, make whatever payment she can now and pay the balance in February, when she planned to pay the OP back.


Interesting point.

But unless the SIL and family are completly dumb and have no clue how to handle their own lives.

Maybe they are already behind on their payments??

cheshireqt
01-12-2009, 06:43 PM
As others have stated, give them the amount that you can be comfortable to never see again. Either tell them it is a loan and hope for the best or just plain out give them what you can.

Our experience: We gave BIL a loan back in 2004. DH and I agreed to the amount that it would not grieve us to lose. Thank goodnes. The check was cashed and we have never heard another word about it. Because DH and I had that agreement between us, it did not become an issue between DH and myself, or between us and them.

jlima
01-12-2009, 09:05 PM
What about the good experiences about loaning money to family?
My dad co-signed a loan for his sister, back in the early 80s. She still lives in the same house and never screwed up her situation. Good for her.

MickeyMomOfThree
01-12-2009, 09:15 PM
I didn't read all of this, but what I did I have to say how sad. Our roof caved in last September. We had payed off our trip to Disney for November and were going to get the money back to pay towards the roof. My grandparents said they would rather loan us the money so we could still go on our trip (they went with us.) We did not want to borrow it, but the new roof was $7000 (we had $4000) and the Disney money would have helped pay for it. We went ahead and borrowed the remainder of the money and have started paying it back. Right now we are sending $200 a month but will send our tax refund and will have it paid back by summer. I can't imagine not paying it back. They were kind enough to offer it, interest free, what kind of people would we be to not pay it back???? I just can't imagine, someone is generous enough to help you out and you don't repay it?

arminnie
01-13-2009, 07:18 PM
I'd give it to them before they asked. My sister who is self employed had 4 surgeries in a year's time. I made some very large gifts to her BEFORE she asked. I did not want her to have to grovel and beg. It was unconditionally a gift. No mention of a loan.

But what I do know family is important and we should be there for them. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you have family that would help you through tough times?I have been in those shoes. I got hit very hard in the houston bust in the 80s- lost my job, home, savings, retirement, etc - everything. I have a brother who is practically a billionaire. No my problems had NOTHING to do with him and he had no responsibility to bail me out.

No, it sure wouldn't be a slap in the face! As someone who's husband lost his job 5 wks ago, someone who is quite freaked out about whether he'll ever get another and how we are going to make ends meet, it would be a BLESSING to know that even if my family can't help me with as much as I asked for, they care enough to help me buy SOMETHING to sustain my family during a crisis.
I still remember a $7 meal that a friend brought me about 25 years ago. It meant so much to me as $7 was a lot of money back then.

tlbwriter
01-14-2009, 02:30 PM
Your opinion just as my post was my opinion.

Most of this thread is about bad experiences with loaning money to family. What about the good experiences about loaning money to family?



No one said there were no good outcomes when loaning money. But you told the OP that her reason for not loaning the money was wrong. And I disagree. Surely I'm allowed to disagree with you, just as you are allowed to disagree with the OP and tell her she is wrong? She has particular reasons for not being comfortable loaning money. I think she's using a lot of common sense. Her SIL is not going to be left homeless, unless she's lying about her ability to pay the money back in February.

hinodis
01-14-2009, 04:35 PM
OP here. To those that think family should come first and I should give them the money unconditionally.... I do think family is important. MY family is very important and they come first. I know that our business will be slowing down and i HAVE to protect us first. If I loan them the money and I don't get it back and our business goes under who will be making my house payment?? DH told her NO. Just FYI, DH has 10 sisters and 4 bothers. A couple of them are very wealthy. SIL did not want to go to them because she "didn't want to hear it" I am assuming she is worried about a lecture on why she did not have any savings, idk. I do know one of my BIL's that is well off told us a few months ago that he is out over $20,000 in money he has loaned to family members and thye have not paid him back.

Kellydelly
01-14-2009, 05:11 PM
I just want to say that today in the mail I received a sizeable gift card for Sams/Walmart from my sister (larger than the amount I suggested you give your inlaws). I cried :sad1: . No judgement from her and her spouse over why we are short on savings to cover my husband's unemployment (I am a fulltime nursing student and our extra funds were paying for tuition and childcare); just a huge pick me up, and a way for us to buy food or toilet paper so that what money we do currently have can be allocated to mortgage, utilites, and insurance. I have to admit that before we found ourselves in this position I was clueless about how it feels. I didn't know how to empathize with others who were in this position. Now I will never be the same person again. I will give when I have it to give, and I will pay this kindness forward to anyone I am able to. It means more than anything when my friends and neighbors tell me to let them know if there is anything they can do to help us. I just had a classmate offer to make a meal for my family :o :sad: . I am grateful that I have people like that in my life :grouphug: . I hope we get through this sooner than later, but if unemployment drags on I know we will manage. I am taking advantage of programs that we qualify for, but MI (at least my county) has a 6 month backlog on applications for assistance :eek: . Thanks to my sis I don't have to stress over that this week. Anyway, it sounds like your family is much larger than mine. If you love your SIL, help them out in some way, if you don't even like them or feel they are not worthy, then let them fend for themselves (only you know what kind of people they are). You seem like a caring person from your posts, so I imagine you want to help them in some way.

hinodis
01-14-2009, 05:34 PM
I just want to say that today in the mail I received a sizeable gift card for Sams/Walmart from my sister (larger than the amount I suggested you give your inlaws). I cried :sad1: . No judgement from her and her spouse over why we are short on savings to cover my husband's unemployment (I am a fulltime nursing student and our extra funds were paying for tuition and childcare); just a huge pick me up, and a way for us to buy food or toilet paper so that what money we do currently have can be allocated to mortgage, utilites, and insurance. I have to admit that before we found ourselves in this position I was clueless about how it feels. I didn't know how to empathize with others who were in this position. Now I will never be the same person again. I will give when I have it to give, and I will pay this kindness forward to anyone I am able to. It means more than anything when my friends and neighbors tell me to let them know if there is anything they can do to help us. I just had a classmate offer to make a meal for my family :o :sad: . I am grateful that I have people like that in my life :grouphug: . I hope we get through this sooner than later, but if unemployment drags on I know we will manage. I am taking advantage of programs that we qualify for, but MI (at least my county) has a 6 month backlog on applications for assistance :eek: . Thanks to my sis I don't have to stress over that this week. Anyway, it sounds like your family is much larger than mine. If you love your SIL, help them out in some way, if you don't even like them or feel they are not worthy, then let them fend for themselves (only you know what kind of people they are). You seem like a caring person from your posts, so I imagine you want to help them in some way.


I never said I did not love them or thought them unworthy. I am taking care of my family first. I have been there by the way. DH lost his job 2 months after we bought our first home. It was scary. I was so afraid of losing our home and we had a 2 year old. We never asked anyone to help us. DH cleaned toilets at night to take care of us. I never expected anyone to give us anything. I am certain my Dad would have helped. I just did not want to ask. Call me selfish, I am making sure that it never happens to us again. We have been living on a high income and we live the life style that reflects it. So, do i pull the kids out of their private school to help my SIL? Do I sell DD's horse? Do I tell DS20 he can't go to college because I am giving money to my SIL? We worked hard to build up a savings account that will take care of us if we need it. Owning a business is extremely riskey right now and I will not risk losing anything whether it be our horse or my house.

maxiesmom
01-14-2009, 05:54 PM
OP, for what it is worth, I think you are making the right decision. You first responsiblity is to your immediate family. And if your income is not stable right now, then unfortunately, you cannot help you SIL. Plus, if she was truly in such dire straights, I don't think the threat of a lecture would keep her from asking one of the wealthy relatives for money.

PrincessKitty1
01-14-2009, 06:16 PM
I never said I did not love them or thought them unworthy. I am taking care of my family first. I have been there by the way. DH lost his job 2 months after we bought our first home. It was scary. I was so afraid of losing our home and we had a 2 year old. We never asked anyone to help us. DH cleaned toilets at night to take care of us. I never expected anyone to give us anything. I am certain my Dad would have helped. I just did not want to ask. Call me selfish, I am making sure that it never happens to us again. We have been living on a high income and we live the life style that reflects it. So, do i pull the kids out of their private school to help my SIL? Do I sell DD's horse? Do I tell DS20 he can't go to college because I am giving money to my SIL? We worked hard to build up a savings account that will take care of us if we need it. Owning a business is extremely riskey right now and I will not risk losing anything whether it be our horse or my house.


You said you have the $2000. Loaning or giving somebody $2000 out of your savings account would not mean you have to take your kids out of private school, sell DD's horse, or tell DS20 he can't go to college. If you've been "living on a high income and living the life style that reflects it," $2000 really isn't very much money. You know, I think it's between your DH and you whether or not you loan the money, but you sound like you can well afford it without any sacrifice to your "life style." You're talking about $2000, not $20,000, right?

hinodis
01-14-2009, 06:24 PM
You said you have the $2000. Loaning or giving somebody $2000 out of your savings account would not mean you have to take your kids out of private school, sell DD's horse, or tell DS20 he can't go to college. If you've been "living on a high income and living the life style that reflects it," $2000 really isn't very much money. You know, I think it's between your DH and you whether or not you loan the money, but you sound like you can well afford it without any sacrifice to your "life style." You're talking about $2000, not $20,000, right?

If our business does not survive the econmy that $2,000 will be much needed. I am scared and I am not taking any chance. We have already decided that IF something happens the horse will have to go:sad2: . My DS said he talked to his cousin and can not understand why she is still going to a special music camp if they need money from us. I am hanging on to everything I've got in the bank. I live in Michigan and most people around here work in the auto indusrty. Our business WILL be effected.

eeyorethegreat
01-14-2009, 06:28 PM
It sounds like the OP and Dh put a lot of thought into what was a tough decision. They made that decision and they feel that they did the right thing. There is no need for anyone to pass judgement on her for that.

PrincessKitty1
01-14-2009, 06:34 PM
It sounds like the OP and Dh put a lot of thought into what was a tough decision. They made that decision and they feel that they did the right thing. There is no need for anyone to pass judgement on her for that.


She specifically asked if she was being selfish. If she has the money sitting in her savings account, has a high income (which she said she does) and is living the life style to reflect that high income (which she said she is), then yes, I think she's being selfish. She did ask the question!

maxiesmom
01-14-2009, 07:10 PM
She specifically asked if she was being selfish. If she has the money sitting in her savings account, has a high income (which she said she does) and is living the life style to reflect that high income (which she said she is), then yes, I think she's being selfish. She did ask the question!

I don't think it is selfish to hold the care and well being of her immediate family in higher regard than a sil who is supposedly fearful of losing everything, but still has plans to go to music camp. Sounds like sil needs to grow up and start making some hard choices.

OP-I don't think anyone outside of Michigan gets how much the auto industry affects everything here. I don't know anyone, from salaried workers to hourly workers, who is not concerned about their job. It is very scary!:scared:

PrincessKitty1
01-14-2009, 07:30 PM
I don't think it is selfish to hold the care and well being of her immediate family in higher regard than a sil who is supposedly fearful of losing everything, but still has plans to go to music camp. Sounds like sil needs to grow up and start making some hard choices.

OP-I don't think anyone outside of Michigan gets how much the auto industry affects everything here. I don't know anyone, from salaried workers to hourly workers, who is not concerned about their job. It is very scary!:scared:

I would give $2000 to a beloved family member in a heartbeat. EVERYBODY in the country is scared about their future right now--that's not a reason not to help out your family. The OP said she had a high income and a lifestyle to match the income. She doesn't want to give up the $2000 just in case.

Now, if the OP and her husband are not really close to these relatives or don't think they're trustworthy, that's a whole different story. But to HAVE the money and to be able to afford to give it, and to be living a high-income lifestyle and not want to give the money because she doesn't know what the future will hold...none of us know what the future will hold. That's not a good reason to not help out the people you hold near and dear, IMO.

hinodis
01-14-2009, 08:20 PM
I would give $2000 to a beloved family member in a heartbeat. EVERYBODY in the country is scared about their future right now--that's not a reason not to help out your family. The OP said she had a high income and a lifestyle to match the income. She doesn't want to give up the $2000 just in case.

Now, if the OP and her husband are not really close to these relatives or don't think they're trustworthy, that's a whole different story. But to HAVE the money and to be able to afford to give it, and to be living a high-income lifestyle and not want to give the money because she doesn't know what the future will hold...none of us know what the future will hold. That's not a good reason to not help out the people you hold near and dear, IMO.

Did you not read the part about us owning a business that may very well be struggling seriously in the near future???? Someday I may NEED every penny I have in my savings and it may be very soon!

PrincessKitty1
01-14-2009, 08:36 PM
Did you not read the part about us owning a business that may very well be struggling seriously in the near future???? Someday I may NEED every penny I have in my savings and it may be very soon!

Yes, I did read that part. I think I do understand--DH owns his own business and there are special risks that go along with being self-employed.

It's the fact that your business is apparently doing well enough that you described yourself as "high income with the lifestyle that reflects it" that makes me question your decision to not give your family the $2000. $2000 isn't that much if you have a high income. And you must not be too worried about the future of your business if you are currently living a high-income lifestyle.

As I said, EVERYBODY is worried about the future, in our present-day economy. Is that a good reason to not help out your loved ones? Only you can decide that, and apparently you've already made your decision.

Really, I can understand that some people can't loan or give money--not everybody can afford to, and I certainly wouldn't recommend loaning or giving money to people you don't love and/or trust. It's your description of yourself as "high income" that made me do a double take on this thread.

tlbwriter
01-15-2009, 11:57 AM
It is not selfish to take care of your own family's needs first. SIL is not starving. And people who are saying the OP is selfish keep ignoring the fact that if she's telling the truth, SIL does not really need to borrow this money. She says she needs it for her January and February mortgage payments, but she'll have the money in mid-February. So she could make a late payment in February and catch up. If she's telling the truth, that is.