Is it wrong to not invite everyone?

[FreeTime]

My 18 YOLD niece recently had a baby and I would like to invite her and the baby on a trip with my daughters and I next fall. I know that she won't be able to come up with more than a small amount of spending money (gift for her husband, self, stuff like that). Do you think that it is unacceptable to offer her to stay with us (this won't cost me anymore as I would get a 2BR regardless) and pay for her ticket when I won't be giving this to her brother (might invite him he is 9) and her older sister? I don't want to cause any sibling rivalry or comments that the baby gets it all! Thanks

[twinklebug]

You know your family best. Use your best judgement. I don't know your niece or the circumstances... so please don't take the following as criticism of her or you...

If this had been my family and I were the niece here's what I can imagine happening: Lil bro would be saying "why not me too?" Big sis would be saying "I never got anything like that..." and big sis and the parents would all be saying "Why reward someone for making bad choices" (again, that's my family)

As the recipient it'd be great - a free trip & my baby gets to come along! :woohoo: (young parents have it so hard trying to make something of themselves and raise a child, sometimes without the help of a dad - this would be a great break from that reality)

Again, in my family, It wouldn't be about sibling rivalry or comments about the baby "getting it all" as much as it would be a tone set that Auntie name-here isn't helping to instill a good sense of responsibility in the niece... and that tone would survive for years. I wouldn't want to be on the recipient end of that label.

[spiceycat]

when I took my niece and her friend (on my dime) - her brother who told me a week before I invited her - that 'disney was old hat and he didn't want to go anymore'

wanted to know why he wasn't invited.....:rotfl:

so even people who tell you they don't want to go - really do....
:rotfl2:

are you planning on taking the others on their own trip? - or giving them points so they can go when they want?

then it might make it more acceptable for the ones not going this trip.

[KelNottAt]

I wouldn't do it. Not fair to the others.

[allshookup]

I have a huge family with 8 siblings & over 20 nieces & nephews & now great nieces & nephews are being added to the mix. I try to take turns when inviting family members, but they'll never ALL get a chance in my lifetime. I know it's quite a bit different with smaller families, but I suggest you take her & if you're concerned about hurt feelings, tell the siblings that this is a gift for having a new baby & they'll get a turn eventually.

[Inkmahm]

I have a huge family with 8 siblings & over 20 nieces & nephews & now great nieces & nephews are being added to the mix. I try to take turns when inviting family members, but they'll never ALL get a chance in my lifetime. I know it's quite a bit different with smaller families, but I suggest you take her & if you're concerned about hurt feelings, tell the siblings that this is a gift for having a new baby & they'll get a turn eventually.
Wow, this is the one suggestion in this thread that I would definitely NOT do. I'd hate to be the one to encourage the other two kids to have babies just so they could get a trip to WDW, too.

I have taken all of my nieces and nephews to Disney at least once and I'm currently working on the second time around (3 have gone the second time, two more are going in Dec with us and then I have two more that I have to schedule in the future.) I would be fair to them and treat each the same. If the one niece gets a trip this time, I'd be obligated to take the other two on future trips.

[pyrxtc]

I'd like to know where everyone is getting that her having a baby is bad thing ??!! If you thread the OP's thread, 18 yr old is married ! Everyone is so quick to jump to the bay so young, out of wedlock scenario, but if you really read the OP's post, she mentions the DH.

Now, for the OP, I think it's fine that you take her and the baby. Depending on how much older the older sibling is but if over 18, she is old enough to understand life is not equal. Maybe she does not want to go. Maybe at some point you will take her? Maybe you are just closer to this 18 yr old niece and nothing is wrong with that. As for the 9 yr old brother, maybe let him in know in a few years that you will take him ?? Depends agian on what kind of relationship you have with him and what kind of kid he is. Just take your niece and have fun ! Can't always invite everyone !

[allshookup]

I'd like to know where everyone is getting that her having a baby is bad thing ??!! If you thread the OP's thread, 18 yr old is married ! Everyone is so quick to jump to the bay so young, out of wedlock scenario, but if you really read the OP's post, she mentions the DH.

I was wondering the same thing? :confused3

Now, for the OP, I think it's fine that you take her and the baby. Depending on how much older the older sibling is but if over 18, she is old enough to understand life is not equal. Maybe she does not want to go. Maybe at some point you will take her? Maybe you are just closer to this 18 yr old niece and nothing is wrong with that. As for the 9 yr old brother, maybe let him in know in a few years that you will take him ?? Depends agian on what kind of relationship you have with him and what kind of kid he is. Just take your niece and have fun ! Can't always invite everyone !

::yes::

[Brian Noble]

In my family, we invite people in groups---so we'd make the same offer to all three, or none of them, without regard to marital or family status. ;)

[manning]

tell the siblings that this is a gift for having a new baby & they'll get a turn eventually.

You might want to reconsider saying that:rotfl:

[FreeTime]

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. What I didn't that maybe I should have is that we have taken all of thee siblings at some point either together or seperate, with their parents or without multiple times. So eventually, yes we would be willing to take the others.

Obviously I am not sure whether we should or not since I posted the question so I appreciate the responses.

Oh! And her DH would be welcome as well but I probably would not be able to afford paying his entire way.

[TinkrLiz]

How old are your kids? Are they young enough to need a babysitter? You could ask her to come and say you would pay for her trip because you would love to have someone there to babysit your kids a few nights so you and your Husband could go out to dinner alone or to the park alone. Then it's less of a gift and more of payment for a job. The 9 yr old is too young to babysit and hopefully the older sibling is mature enough for it not to bother her.

[wulfekamp]

This could be a real train wreck. 15 years ago before we were DVC we went to Disney with the inlaws and step siblings. They payed for everything for them and nothing for us. If we had know this before going it would of been fine but it wasn't. We went out to eat the first night and they paid for everyone but us. There were some really hurt feelings. We had just had our first child and money was tight and they all wanted to eat really high end. They were eating pime rib and we were eating chicken fingers because we didn't want to run out of money. Do for everyone or talk to the others before going. Feelings heal really slow.

[bobbiwoz]

In view of all that you've said, if you want to take your niece and her child, then do so! You have a history of working things out in your family!

Bobbi:goodvibes

[Cinderella1122]

I'm glad to see that I am not the only one with these dilemas.
DVC is so complicated... For my first 2 trips as a DVC member, I invited a very good friend of mine and my siblings who I am very close with. Now, I have friends and family trying to invite themselves on my trips, so the can reep the benefits of staying in a resort they couldn't normaly afford! I would like to take everyone, but I worked hard to afford DVC and I want to share it with the friends and family that I feel deserve it most.

If you want to take your niece go for it! Her brother and sister will eventually understand.

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Seems like a bad idea........

[lizziepooh]

I would also be concerned about how her DH will feel about it. Will he want her and baby to go without him or will he feel jealous and left out? You said you would be willing for him to go but couldn't pay for him. Sounds like they would not have the money to pay for him to go. Young people can be very sensitive (and sometimes immature) about these types of situations and it could cause trouble between the couple. He may not want baby to experience his/her first Disney trip without both parents along. (I'm speaking from experience with a very similar situation).

[bookwormde]

If your nieces DH is ok with it then go for it, the other nieces and nephews can have there turn on future trips. If they have trouble accepting this then it will be a good “lesson” for them in patience.

Opportunities only come once.

bookwormde

[Donald is #1]

If you want to take your niece, her baby and her husband, then I say go for it. However, I would also let her siblings know that you will take them (as long as you get along with them) in X time. For example, let's say that you take your neice, her baby and husband in 2009. Then when you let your family know, I would also lay out a plan for the rest of the siblings. So in this example, maybe your nephew gets to go in 2011 and your other niece in 2013.

On paying for her and the baby, I have often used the "christmas, birthday, christmas" method when I have wanted to buy something for one of my sisters that they wouldn't want to buy for themselves because of the price. This method works for us in a couple of ways.
1) The person not receiving the gift doesn't feel left out.
2) The person receiving the gift doesn't feel as bad about you spending so much money on them.

[itsreally4mommy]

Perhaps wait a few years when her child can also enjoy it?

[Inkmahm]

I would also be concerned about how her DH will feel about it. Will he want her and baby to go without him or will he feel jealous and left out? You said you would be willing for him to go but couldn't pay for him. Sounds like they would not have the money to pay for him to go. Young people can be very sensitive (and sometimes immature) about these types of situations and it could cause trouble between the couple. He may not want baby to experience his/her first Disney trip without both parents along. (I'm speaking from experience with a very similar situation). Same here. Many years ago, I offered to take my sister and her daughter to WDW with our parents. She wouldn't accept unless her DH was also invited. It would have been a frozen day in hell before
I invited her husband on a trip with me (long story.) She declined the trip and I took my parents and another niece instead.

Soon after that trip that she skipped, she filed for divorce. The next year I did take her and her daughter as well as my parents again to WDW. Would you believe that even then her soon to be ex husband thought I should have invited him, too? :laughing: The man never did have a clue.

[Inkmahm]

I'd like to know where everyone is getting that her having a baby is bad thing ??!! If you thread the OP's thread, 18 yr old is married ! Everyone is so quick to jump to the bay so young, out of wedlock scenario, but if you really read the OP's post, she mentions the DH.

Now, for the OP, I think it's fine that you take her and the baby. Depending on how much older the older sibling is but if over 18, she is old enough to understand life is not equal. Maybe she does not want to go. Maybe at some point you will take her? Maybe you are just closer to this 18 yr old niece and nothing is wrong with that. As for the 9 yr old brother, maybe let him in know in a few years that you will take him ?? Depends agian on what kind of relationship you have with him and what kind of kid he is. Just take your niece and have fun ! Can't always invite everyone !

I didn't say anything about her having a baby out of wedlock. I said I wouldn't ever suggest to the OTHER kids that the way to get to Disney was to have a baby. Not the same thing at all.

[permavac]

I would also be concerned about how her DH will feel about it. Will he want her and baby to go without him or will he feel jealous and left out? You said you would be willing for him to go but couldn't pay for him. Sounds like they would not have the money to pay for him to go. Young people can be very sensitive (and sometimes immature) about these types of situations and it could cause trouble between the couple. He may not want baby to experience his/her first Disney trip without both parents along. (I'm speaking from experience with a very similar situation).

I agree wholeheartedly to be careful the way this is approached. I personally would never invite my niece and then tell her husband he can come if he pays for himself. I've been on the receiving end of this (in this instance, I am the hated spouse :confused3) and when my husband and I were having financial difficulty a few years back his sister offered to pay for his plane ticket to a family gathering but I would have to get my own. For me, I didn't care because my husband's family makes no secret about how they feel about me (the feeling is mutual by-the-way ;) and I'm a big girl so I can take it. Anyway, whether you dislike your niece's husband or not I think a better way to approach them is to ask them together and tell them that you wanted to do a fun thing with the niece and her child in Disney but you only have the money to pay for her. What would they like to do? Does the niece just want to come herself, does the husband want to come too and pay his own way, or do they want to decline at this time since they don't want to be apart? That way you don't cause any hard feelings between you and the husband and, more importantly, you and the niece. It's true that hard feelings from situations like these could take years to heal, if ever. Funny how stressful vacation can be, huh?

[allshookup]

I didn't say anything about her having a baby out of wedlock. I said I wouldn't ever suggest to the OTHER kids that the way to get to Disney was to have a baby. Not the same thing at all.

And I NEVER suggested that the way to get to WDW is to have a baby. I said consider it a gift for having a baby & they will get another turn some other time. Perhaps as a birthday or Christmas present as another poster suggested. If you give a gift to someone because they had a baby, which I don't find unusual at all, it gives the impression that everyone should have a baby to get a gift? :confused3

[KelNottAt]

I Anyway, whether you dislike your niece's husband or not I think a better way to approach them is to ask them together and tell them that you wanted to do a fun thing with the niece and her child in Disney but you only have the money to pay for her.

No. Say you can only pay for HALF! Don't pick/favor one person over the other. Just say HALF.

[permavac]

No. Say you can only pay for HALF! Don't pick/favor one person over the other. Just say HALF.

I agree! Didn't think the exact wording through very well obviously...

[twinklebug]

No. Say you can only pay for HALF! Don't pick/favor one person over the other. Just say HALF.

Which brings us back to the no-money thing which can cause trouble in a relationship too.

Again, OP, you know your family best & need to trust your own judgment when dealing with them. Best of luck making your decision - let us know what you decided and how it works out ;)

[crisi]

Why wouldn't you wait a few years until the baby is old enough to give everyone the joy that a three year old on Dumbo gives?

[Inkmahm]

You might want to reconsider saying that:rotfl:

Glad to see you read that the same as I did... they get a turn when they have a baby, too.

[Mississippian]

I would also be concerned about how her DH will feel about it. Will he want her and baby to go without him.....
I see you're not a man.

[Inkmahm]

I see you're not a man.

Why does it matter if she is a man or not? :confused3

[DisneyQueen1320]

Maybe you can talk with the nephew's parents and ask if there is something they can pay, so he can go too. I think it's great if you invite your niece, her baby and husband. If the nephew's parents can't pay then I would pay for him this time, and take your niece next time, when the baby a little older.

Good luck :goodvibes

[allshookup]

Glad to see you read that the same as I did... they get a turn when they have a baby, too.

I apologize profusely to the OP if I somehow gave the impression that you should encourage your 9 y/o nephew & older niece "to have babies just so they could get a trip to WDW, too." It's not unusual for people to never have children so I thought that it was understood when I said eventually that it just meant on some future vacation. I never assumed that was what would be inferred by my post, because someone would have to be a complete idiot to tell anyone it was only if or when they had children could they get a trip to WDW too, but you know what happens when you assume. ;)

It looks like you've received some sound advice on how to include the DH if you choose, so I'd just like to wish you all the best with your vacation & I hope it all works out with no hurt feelings! :thumbsup2

[Mississippian]

Why does it matter if she is a man or not? :confused3
The average man isn't going to be upset over his wife and child going with one of her relatives to WDW for a few days. It's more like "Woopee!"

[twinklebug]

The average man isn't going to be upset over his wife and child going with one of her relatives to WDW for a few days. It's more like "Woopee!"

I actually know quite a number of men who would feel left out. I think it all depends on what "average man" demographic you're talking about.

[Inkmahm]

I apologize profusely to the OP if I somehow gave the impression that you should encourage your 9 y/o nephew & older niece "to have babies just so they could get a trip to WDW, too." It's not unusual for people to never have children so I thought that it was understood when I said eventually that it just meant on some future vacation. I never assumed that was what would be inferred by my post, because someone would have to be a complete idiot to tell anyone it was only if or when they had children could they get a trip to WDW too, but you know what happens when you assume. ;)

It looks like you've received some sound advice on how to include the DH if you choose, so I'd just like to wish you all the best with your vacation & I hope it all works out with no hurt feelings! :thumbsup2
I agree. Only a "complete idiot" would tell a kid that they could have a trip to WDW when they had a baby, too.

[wulfekamp]

I still think your skating thin ice here. Some people might say sure go ahead but still be hurt. Please tread lightly stepping on someones feelings can take years to fix if ever. As you can tell I wear my feelings on my sleeve and get hurt really easy. It makes me very sensitive to others feelings.

[allshookup]

I still think your skating thin ice here. Some people might say sure go ahead but still be hurt. Please tread lightly stepping on someones feelings can take years to fix if ever. As you can tell I wear my feelings on my sleeve and get hurt really easy. It makes me very sensitive to others feelings.

I was reading your previous post & I'm sorry that happened to you. :hug: I think you're right that's it's a good idea to talk to everyone. Discuss all expenses & who is paying for what right up front.

[cindymouse6]

I'm laughing and shocked at how offended everyone seems to be.. and off topic.. so I'll stay on topic. I own the timeshare and bring my step sis, her kid and stepmom with my family... stepmom always pays for stepsis passes, food, everything and never gives me a dime and I am paying for the room... and my kids sleep on the floor and couch to make room for them....

is that fair? no, and I have stopped inviting them this past year... life isn't fair, but this is your gift to give... give it with the spirit you initially had when deciding to invite her.... I have brought all 3 of my kids at 6weeks old to WDW (during the end of maternity leave) and I have to say, it is a different experience and I loved it.... you will get to experience it as well. You realize WDW it is not all about rides and character breakfasts... sometimes it's about relaxing in a beautiful park or by a beautiful pool and just breathing clean air and celebrating a new life... creating dreams for one day .... you will not be encouraging anyone to "have a baby" to get to go to WDW... but I bet you'll give them a gift they want one day that fits their needs at the time... and needs are different and gifts are different.

Do what you want... give what you want to give and the rest of the family has to get over it.... there will be pangs of jealousy, but they'll get jealous over other things like Xmas presents as well. And the husband is probably glad that his wife and newborn will have a chance to do something they probably would never have been able to do and wishes he could join but can't. Mom will come home more relaxed and enjoyable I bet... stop trying to keep everything perfectly even... life isn't that way...

enjoy giving your gift!:cloud9:

[eliza61]

I would probably wait until I could offer the trip to the entire family. While adults might be able to understand, I imagine my 9 yo would have a hard time figuring out why his sister got to go on a family vacation and I couldn't.

[My5Mouseketeers]

I have 5 kids and a big sign in my dining room that says:

"FAIR" means each child gets what they need, not that everyone does everything the same way.

It is a major theme in my household. I know your niece does not "need" to go to Disney, but it isn't "fair" that someone shouldn't get to do something special because everyone can't do it.

It is your gift to give and the parents job to teach their children that life doesn't play out the same way for everyone.

Just my .02 cents

[cindymouse6]

what a great sentiment! Exactly what I was trying to express in such few words! That's why I'm not a songwriter! :rolleyes1

[Coach81]

Tough call... you may get some feathers ruffled with this one...

[ILuvTigger]

I'm laughing and shocked at how offended everyone seems to be.. and off topic.. so I'll stay on topic. I own the timeshare and bring my step sis, her kid and stepmom with my family... stepmom always pays for stepsis passes, food, everything and never gives me a dime and I am paying for the room... and my kids sleep on the floor and couch to make room for them....

is that fair? no, and I have stopped inviting them this past year... life isn't fair, but this is your gift to give... give it with the spirit you initially had when deciding to invite her.... I have brought all 3 of my kids at 6weeks old to WDW (during the end of maternity leave) and I have to say, it is a different experience and I loved it.... you will get to experience it as well. You realize WDW it is not all about rides and character breakfasts... sometimes it's about relaxing in a beautiful park or by a beautiful pool and just breathing clean air and celebrating a new life... creating dreams for one day .... you will not be encouraging anyone to "have a baby" to get to go to WDW... but I bet you'll give them a gift they want one day that fits their needs at the time... and needs are different and gifts are different.

Do what you want... give what you want to give and the rest of the family has to get over it.... there will be pangs of jealousy, but they'll get jealous over other things like Xmas presents as well. And the husband is probably glad that his wife and newborn will have a chance to do something they probably would never have been able to do and wishes he could join but can't. Mom will come home more relaxed and enjoyable I bet... stop trying to keep everything perfectly even... life isn't that way...

enjoy giving your gift!:cloud9:

I totally agree!

I have the same problem, we are going to SSR in Feb. It will be, dh, ds (15), dd (16) and I. We are driving this time and have room for 1 more person, so we decided to take our godson (3 yo), we have a total of 19 neices and nephews, and among them both of us are godparents to 2 of them (3 yo godson, and 5 yo goddaughter). We know it will stir up something, but we will never be able to take all of them at the same time.....yes some feelings will be hurt, but what can you do?? You can't please everyone all of the time....to be honest, only one sibling will be mad....she thinks everything is owed to her....she is the only one that has her children ask us when we are taking them....I can't stand that.....

[RumpleMom]

I don't think it is a good idea to separate mom, dad and baby for a Disney trip. They are a young family that needs to build strong bonds together, whether traveling or staying at home.

[winnapooh]

We kinda ran into this issue with our family. We've taken members of my family, but haven't taken anyone from DH's family. We recently asked if they (DH"s family) would be interested in a family trip where we would cover the room and they would have to pay for tickets, food, and transportation (though we'd help them get the best deals) (same deal as we had with my family). The only people that were remotely interested were those that have their own Orlando timeshare. So we figure that covers us...we asked, they said no. However, we are taking DH's nephew this spring. He's the oldest of 3 boys (he's 8), but we aren't taking the other two. One is on the Autism spectrum, and the other, well, it will be a few years before we'd even consider (I"ll leave it at that!) And there's a chance we will never take the other two ourselves. I'm confident that somewhere down the road, the parents will hint at us taking them, but we have our reasons for not, and for taking the oldest one. Down the road, however, we may again offer to put the entire family up in a room.

My point is that either you could take the suggestions of others and say that this time is the neices and babies turn, and the others will come later (maybe 9th birthday and a graduation present for the older one or something like that). This is a baby gift from you, there's nothing wrong with that. As far as the neices husband, you may want to say that if he were to come along you could only pay for half of their trip...however, you may find out that he has no interest in going anyways! Luckily, that happened with most of our family :)

Like a pp said, it's your timeshare; you aren't obligated to take anyone. So you should do it on your own terms. You may want to lay those terms out before you ask the neice, but you paid for the points!