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disneygal2007
09-21-2008, 07:36 PM
Hello all. I am having some problems with my son who just turned 9 last week.

Well I'm gonna start it like this. I had a son from my first marriage and his birth father is now in prison for the rest of his life. Well my son has so many of his mannerisms. He hasn't been in his life since he was 10 months old so he doesn't know him at all. My husband now has always been dad we even gave my son DH middle name when he adopted him. This is really scary to me.

DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already :sad1: I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.

I just don't know what to do. I just look at the F's he brings home and all I could do is shake my head and walk away. Every time I see the school phone number on caller ID my hearts stops. Now I know I sound funny saying this. But he isn't a bad kid. He is really funny and gets excited about things we do in like. He is really a family boy. I just don't know what to do with him in school. If someone can help me give me advise that is new that would be great. I am loosing my baby. I want him to to get out of that kid no one wants in their class. I want him to shine at school like he shines at home. TIA Disneygal.

imthatgirl
09-21-2008, 07:39 PM
does he see anyone? counselor? i think thats where i would start.

stace1214
09-21-2008, 07:50 PM
Counseling sounds like a very good idea. It sounds like both of you are going through a lot right now. Your school district should be able to recommend a good family counselor that would be able to help both of you.

pls5286
09-21-2008, 07:53 PM
Hello all. I am having some problems with my son who just turned 9 last week.

Well I'm gonna start it like this. I had a son from my first marriage and his birth father is now in prison for the rest of his life. Well my son has so many of his mannerisms. He hasn't been in his life since he was 10 months old so he doesn't know him at all. My husband now has always been dad we even gave my son DH middle name when he adopted him. This is really scary to me.

DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already :sad1: I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.

I just don't know what to do. I just look at the F's he brings home and all I could do is shake my head and walk away. Every time I see the school phone number on caller ID my hearts stops. Now I know I sound funny saying this. But he isn't a bad kid. He is really funny and gets excited about things we do in like. He is really a family boy. I just don't know what to do with him in school. If someone can help me give me advise that is new that would be great. I am loosing my baby. I want him to to get out of that kid no one wants in their class. I want him to shine at school like he shines at home. TIA Disneygal.

Your son is acting out just as my former stepdaughter did at just that age. She was abandoned by her biological mom at the tender age of 1 1/2. When I got her at 4, she and her dad were doing the best they could. My advice to you is to make sure your son is on a strict schedule. This has to be on weekends and weekdays. My stepdaughter was ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so we had our challenges. If he acts out in school, let the school handle it. Unless it is a major offense, don't let the punishment carry over to the home. When I say major, I include disrespect and fighting and the like in major offenses, but talking and such in the stuff that should be handled at school. As for the school work...Ask for a meeting with the Student Support Team. There is some reason why the work is so far below par. They can help you with this. He may be put in a collabrative setting where he gets more one on one attention to work on his school work. If I can help you any more, just PM me.

sk!mom
09-21-2008, 07:58 PM
DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already :sad1: I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.
I just don't know what to do. Disneygal.

Oh my! You seriously need to find a good family therapist. Someone who can help you learn effective discipline as well as strategies to help your son become successful. Good for you that you realize that things aren't working now take the necessary step to get professional help.

"Beating" a strong willed, difficult child is the worst possible strategy. It is done out of the parent's frustration and is counterproductive. There is plenty of research to support this opinion.

disneygal2007
09-21-2008, 08:06 PM
We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


We are military and the hospital here leaves so much to be desired. I talk to DH a few weeks ago about paying for help for him. I just want him to succeed. This kid uses huge words I mean stuff that a normal nine year old wouldn't use so I know he could do the work. I just don't know how to get him to realize how important school is.

sk!mom
09-21-2008, 08:23 PM
We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


Google ODD and you will find lots of reading and research based strategies to try. Be consistent and again find a good family therapist. This will not get better or be outgrown- get help now for your family's sake but mostly for your sons.

K and K's Mommy
09-21-2008, 08:29 PM
Former teacher here - You need to set up a face to face meeting with the teacher. You should also ask that the school counselor be there. They need to give you a plan on how to improve his grades, and you need to follow through. More than likely, you are going to need to have one quiet place where he does homework. If he is getting F's, you really need to help him and make sure he is doing the work. The school also needs a plan. Teachers don't like it when their kids are getting F's. It means they are not getting through to that kid. As others have suggested, have a routine when he gets home - snack and then homework.

I also second that if at all possible, you get outside therapy for both of you.

One other teacher note - One of the best things you can do is read to your child - even at 9. It improves their reading comprehension and gives you valuable one on one time. The books should be slightly harder than they can read on their own.

Good luck!

PilotWife
09-21-2008, 08:44 PM
I am military also with a child that has ADHD, have you taken him to EFMP - they will be able to help you more with his needs than the regular pediatric clinic. There is also militaryonesource.com and they can get you into counseling without it going into his medical records. Second, I would (in writing) request and IEP assesment at his school based on his medical diagnosis (if you do not already have this). Third - his meds may not be at the right dosage OR and this is a big OR - it may not be the right meds for him (there are other really good med out there)and it took well over a year for the Dr to tweek and get the right meds for my son. To medicate or not is your decision (I however feel that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and I would not deny my child insulin if he had diabetes - therefore I am not denying him his meds for this either-just my opinion).

AND then one of the most important things for you to do for yourself and him is to EDUCATE YOURSELF on his diagnosis. There are really great books out there for you to read.
Also understand that when our husbands are deployed (mine has been gone since Jan) that some of his issues could be because of dad not being home...and there are services for you and your children to help learn new coping strategies for this deployment AND reintegration.

Good Luck - PM me is you need anything or just want to talk.

Jennifer

2BoysMom
09-21-2008, 09:23 PM
I would also have him tested for dyslexia. Many people with dyslexia have higher than average intelligence, but do poorly in school, especially if it's not diagnosed.

Also, try your best not to define him by his biological father's reputation. Luckily for your boy, that man wasn't an influence on your child's life. There is always the debate between Nature vs. Nurture, but I also don't believe any child was "born bad."

Besides testing for dyslexia, I would agree he may be acting out because of the deployment of the dad he knows and the "abandonment" of the original dad. Not a real abandonment, but it may feel like one emotionally to a 9 y.o.
Again, an area for a professional counselor to help you.

Best wishes for the both of you.

GothTink
09-21-2008, 09:41 PM
We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


We are military and the hospital here leaves so much to be desired. I talk to DH a few weeks ago about paying for help for him. I just want him to succeed. This kid uses huge words I mean stuff that a normal nine year old wouldn't use so I know he could do the work. I just don't know how to get him to realize how important school is.

I could have written your posts (well, apart from that "beating" him thing, but I understand your frustration). Please look into Asperger's Syndrome, as my son was also misdiagnosed with ADD and we went through much of what you have....:hug:

disneygal2007
09-21-2008, 09:43 PM
Thank you everyone for your responses. PilotWife I will get in contact with you. I am a army wife but I really don't know allot about the Army. My husband was a Marine before he joined the Army so I mainly know about that stuff. I have looked up ODD and wow slap in the face. That's him. Gave me chills. I am going to the school with in the next few days and have a talk with them. I just have to put in words what I want to say. I'm the kind of person when I get upset or emotional I cry. So if I go in there with a game plan I should be fine. Plus I want to talk to DH and get his point of view and she him the ODD website. You guys have been very helpful. I am gonna look into getting more help. I know he can do it I just have to find the right help.

I know he can read the stuff he is given cause he loves to read books about spider man and I just went upstairs and caught him reading a HSM book he got at the book fair. I will keep this post updated. Thank u so so much. I was at a stand still on what do do.

Sonya

disneygal2007
09-21-2008, 09:50 PM
I could have written your posts (well, apart from that "beating" him thing, but I understand your frustration). Please look into Asperger's Syndrome, as my son was also misdiagnosed with ADD and we went through much of what you have....:hug:
I feel bad for saying beating. To me that is a few swats on the Butt. I never hit my kids so that I think what did it. I yelled and was really mad and I think that's what did it. I don't like people that lie and steal and I think he heard me on the phone with a friend cause he woke up the next day and asked me if I hated him? I asked him why would he say that and he said he heard me on the phone and he didn't want me to hate him. So after that day I haven't had any problems with that. I should have clarified the beating thing. Sorry

brockash
09-21-2008, 09:56 PM
When you work with him on homework and school stuff at home; does it seem like he's getting it? I mean, he may just need some extra help with stuff, and extra help in explaining on more of a one on one basis. I know it can take up a lot of time for you, but that may just be what he needs the most. If it were me, I'd start sitting with him for all of his homework every night, and going through it with him to make sure he's getting it and is doing it the correct way. I'm not sure how well taking away things will work, if he's not understanding something. I mean it definetly depends on what's going on, but at 2nd grade it seems like it'd be less of an he just doesn't want to do it thing, and more of either not understanding or maybe just him needing to understand how important it is that he does well, which I think would start with you sitting with him for all his homework, which might work in 2 ways, one you'll know it's being done correctly and 2, he probably won't like it, so it may give him the motivation to start doing his work well on his own. I have a first grader, and I know sometimes it can take a lot of time, especially when you have other kids, but I really think it's probably the best. Mine was out of school for 4 days and he had a lot of homework to get caught up on, and our last 2 weekends weren't that fun, and there was definetely some attitude and it was very time consuming, but he has to do it. I know a 2nd grader has more homework than a 1st grader, but I still think it's the best thing you can do, and maybe try to have a lot of communication with his teacher to see where the problem is. Good luck!

brockash
09-21-2008, 10:00 PM
Oh, also, if you don't think he needs his meds, then I would definetly take him off of them, you never know what kind of role drugs are playing in the situation, and if you don't think he really needs to be on them, that'd be my first step.

GothTink
09-22-2008, 08:38 AM
Oh, also, if you don't think he needs his meds, then I would definetly take him off of them, you never know what kind of role drugs are playing in the situation, and if you don't think he really needs to be on them, that'd be my first step.

I would speak further with his doc before taking him off any medication.

amandaraye
09-22-2008, 09:12 AM
Has he met with the school psychologist? He doesn't sound like an angrey, obsinate child so there must be something going on. You just want your boy to be the best boy you KNOW he can be!!!! He's still young so thankfully it's plenty early enough to figure out what's going on and help him get better. If a child is giong to repeate a grade, an early grade is better than struggling through years of school and possibly repeating a year in high school. Good luck to you. I know it's terribly frustrating and heartbreaking to have "that" child who has difficulties in school. I have two of my own.:confused3

Disney Mommy 3
09-22-2008, 10:22 AM
Hey!! I pm'ed you!!!

But, I would def. check about taking him off the meds. I know some kids that just can't handle it. There is a possibility it's making him feel worse.

Cdnmommy
09-22-2008, 11:58 AM
My heart goes out to you! Please keep us updated on how he's doing and the response you get from the school. That is definitely a good first step. :hug:

disneygal2007
09-22-2008, 08:52 PM
Hey everyone, It me.

Well tomorrow I am taking him off his meds. I am also going to the school tomorrow to to talk to anyone who will listen. DH is upset that he can't be here cause lord knows I need back up.

I tried to talk o my son today after school but all he kept talking about is the movie he watched today in school. I think this weekend when his brother is watching the nightmare before Christmas for the 90th time then we will sit down and have a heart to heart. And maybe have DH on loud speaker. I am going to look into him getting some help. I called a few Doctors offices today that aren't military and they aren't taking new patients right now only emergencies. But I will keep looking.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for the comments. Sonya

Alesia
09-22-2008, 09:12 PM
Well tomorrow I am taking him off his meds. I am also going to the school tomorrow to to talk to anyone who will listen. DH is upset that he can't be here cause lord knows I need back up.

Please make sure that you talk to his doctor before taking him off his meds. I'm not sure what he is on, but stopping mood-altering drugs cold turkey will lead to major withdrawls. Neither of you need to deal with that right now.

disneygal2007
09-22-2008, 10:17 PM
I think taking him off his meds will be ok. He has break times where I promised him no meds on weekends and days where there isn't any school. He is on the lowest dosage of Addarall (spelling) so that won't be the problem. The only concern I have is the way he is gonna act when he isn't with me.

melafive
09-23-2008, 09:03 AM
While I think most of your sons issues are probably due to him feeling abandoned I just wanted to throw something else out there. Could your son have undiagnosed allergies? My son had issues starting in Ktgn and I found a book called "Is this Your Child" by Doris Rapp. It really opened my eyes and was the beginning of a new son.

surfergirl602
09-23-2008, 09:08 AM
We have seen someone. He was great don't get me wrong, But it didn't help much. I was told he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a poster said.


We are military and the hospital here leaves so much to be desired. I talk to DH a few weeks ago about paying for help for him. I just want him to succeed. This kid uses huge words I mean stuff that a normal nine year old wouldn't use so I know he could do the work. I just don't know how to get him to realize how important school is.


As a military mom with an EFMP child, you need to get him flagged, then get a referral through tricare for an outside referral. (you need to see your pediatrician for this) You need to get him some in behavioral therapy and counseling. There is an underlying issue here that you are overlooking, and I think you are on the right track. Def. get in to the EFMP office, and get an IEP for school as well. They can get teacher's assistants in school that will be there to help him. My hubby is gone right now, and I know you probably feel pretty helpless without him here, but you can do it. :) Stay strong and just be a good mom. Stand your ground - you know your son.

K and K's Mommy
09-23-2008, 09:26 AM
If you read this before you go to school, good luck. Do not worry about being emotional. You would not be the first parent to cry! Most teachers truly want to help every child. Do not leave without a plan on how to improve grades/behavior.

I don't know a lot about medicine for ADHD, but I was once told that if a child truly needs it, you will see improvement within a week. Of course, there are different medicines out there so you may have to find one that is right. Make sure the teacher knows you took him off and want to know if there is a change for better or worse. I remember having one child that could not do a thing without his medicine. I had another who was about the same so the parents decided to take him off it.

Good luck!

barnaby1
09-23-2008, 03:31 PM
While I think most of your sons issues are probably due to him feeling abandoned I just wanted to throw something else out there. Could your son have undiagnosed allergies? My son had issues starting in Ktgn and I found a book called "Is this Your Child" by Doris Rapp. It really opened my eyes and was the beginning of a new son.

As I was reading the replies I was thinking about this. There has been alot of documented success with children who have been diagnosed with things such as ADHD who when taken off certain foods (and more importantly additives) have done amazingly well and become much calmer and more focused.

It is certainly an avenue worth researching.

disneygal2007
09-23-2008, 08:51 PM
While I think most of your sons issues are probably due to him feeling abandoned I just wanted to throw something else out there. Could your son have undiagnosed allergies? My son had issues starting in Ktgn and I found a book called "Is this Your Child" by Doris Rapp. It really opened my eyes and was the beginning of a new son.

He does have allergies. How does this work please let me know. I will look for that book. Thanks

disneygal2007
09-23-2008, 08:53 PM
As a military mom with an EFMP child, you need to get him flagged, then get a referral through tricare for an outside referral. (you need to see your pediatrician for this) You need to get him some in behavioral therapy and counseling. There is an underlying issue here that you are overlooking, and I think you are on the right track. Def. get in to the EFMP office, and get an IEP for school as well. They can get teacher's assistants in school that will be there to help him. My hubby is gone right now, and I know you probably feel pretty helpless without him here, but you can do it. :) Stay strong and just be a good mom. Stand your ground - you know your son.
I set up a meeting with a few of the teachers and councilors at I just waiting on the third one to confirm. When they flag him what does that mean?

disneygal2007
09-23-2008, 08:54 PM
As I was reading the replies I was thinking about this. There has been alot of documented success with children who have been diagnosed with things such as ADHD who when taken off certain foods (and more importantly additives) have done amazingly well and become much calmer and more focused.

It is certainly an avenue worth researching.
I have read that also. Stuff like dairy and wheat. Another book I have to look into getting.

disneygal2007
09-23-2008, 08:55 PM
If you read this before you go to school, good luck. Do not worry about being emotional. You would not be the first parent to cry! Most teachers truly want to help every child. Do not leave without a plan on how to improve grades/behavior.

I don't know a lot about medicine for ADHD, but I was once told that if a child truly needs it, you will see improvement within a week. Of course, there are different medicines out there so you may have to find one that is right. Make sure the teacher knows you took him off and want to know if there is a change for better or worse. I remember having one child that could not do a thing without his medicine. I had another who was about the same so the parents decided to take him off it.

Good luck!

Thank you!

peytonsmomie
09-23-2008, 09:35 PM
Most areas have a number, called "211" that you can call for help. Also, look into Catholic Charities (they can help anyone, not just Catholics) in most areas. Also, if you are not getting the services you need on base (not surprising) you can call the department of social services and ask for their help.

Social workers who work for the state aren't there solely to investigate abuse. Many of them work on juvenile deliquency cases, so they are seriously in the know about where to get important family services.

You're on the right track to be concerned early, and wanting to get him on the right side of things. As his mommy, you are his BEST advocate. Keep knocking on doors until you find the right one to open.

And feel free to PM me if you'd like me to look up some state/city specific guidance.

disneymarie
09-23-2008, 11:21 PM
Hello all. I am having some problems with my son who just turned 9 last week.

Well I'm gonna start it like this. I had a son from my first marriage and his birth father is now in prison for the rest of his life. Well my son has so many of his mannerisms. He hasn't been in his life since he was 10 months old so he doesn't know him at all. My husband now has always been dad we even gave my son DH middle name when he adopted him. This is really scary to me.

DS is repeating the second grade this year. We have him on ADD meds but I believe he doesn't need it. And the only thing I see it helping is his conduct grade. We got his progress report and he has 7 F's already :sad1: I have taken everything from him birthday party toys he loves transformers and I took all those. Everything!!! I let him watch TV and go outside on the weekends. My husband is deployed and hates to see me going through this.
My DS used to have a theft problem but I am sad to say as a mom I had to beat that out of him. We would go to my friends house and a day or 2 later they call cause they are missing toys. Now that I hope that is over.

I just don't know what to do. I just look at the F's he brings home and all I could do is shake my head and walk away. Every time I see the school phone number on caller ID my hearts stops. Now I know I sound funny saying this. But he isn't a bad kid. He is really funny and gets excited about things we do in like. He is really a family boy. I just don't know what to do with him in school. If someone can help me give me advise that is new that would be great. I am loosing my baby. I want him to to get out of that kid no one wants in their class. I want him to shine at school like he shines at home. TIA Disneygal.

After having assorted schooling problems with all four children I can share what I would do. First is request an IME based on a 504 possibility. this will determin the correct method of teaching style best for your son to learn in and that is what he needs. My older son had a higher IQ then the kids in the gifted rogram but needed an IME and smaller classromm for almost all his classes. He was mainstreamed for Science, and the arts, music, etc.

He soared, by high school he was still in special classes for tutorning needs if her needed it, in 11th and 12th he had been completly mainstreamed, but also had all A's and named to Who;s who among students in US. I was so proud and glad, at 8 yrs old they identified his specialized needs and implementing them instead of frustration.

Also, about the Dad, he only gets one half the gene pool from him, I would not worry that he is going to be unfocused and probmatic, I bet the fathers upbringing was more lax and unstructured and frustrating that he acted out for attention. Your special little man just needs the right environment. Maybe dad had undiagx learning needs and no supportive family to help him through it turning to poor peer relationships.

The best thing you can do is contact the guidance office with a request for an IEP, that you think he would qualify under a 504, (AMericans with disability Act, Adaptive educational support)
The things my gifted but high anxiety/panic disorder daughter has been suggested are: marking all the correct questions instead of the wrong questions, transitional notification from one task ending to the next one starting, a smaller classroom, or taking teest alone intimed, with up to one class period longer to take it.

Right now I enrolled her in cyber school that is structuring a new IEp to fit their formatt, as the middle school she will not even walk through the doors with school phobia. Even with the structure school not being a stress factor, she is easily overwhelmed by the gifted program demands, but can do the work...she has trouble with power off and not being able to face the next day if she has unfisnished task already.

She is in an 8th grade pre-algrbra too, but it is very upsetting when she can do the work, but shakes and gets upset when it is so demanding. I wonder where the happy medicium is, she hates not being challanged, but burns out???

I wish you luck, be persistant, and make them do the IEP ASAP!!!!! This will take a lot of pressure off you both.
Good luck
dianne

MALE*RN*777
09-24-2008, 08:51 PM
Psych RN here with a boy who has Sensory Intergration Disorder which has some mild simular traits of Autism/ADHD but mostly over sensitive to touches/smells/tastes/sounds etc. He goes to a private christain school that my wife and I went too. He was the perfect baby until he got his rounds of shots at the age of 1 1/2 yrs old and then we noticed the difference. Head banging and other issues. It was like we lost our little boy and didn't know what to do. Some days it took alot just to be around him because you never knew when he might go off and didn't know why. We did have great family support Thank God. Anyway he is a great kid and just turned 9. We really think it was the injections. Anyway, when he started kindergarden we got several calls and would dread when the phone would ring during the day. After a couple of weeks sitting down with the teacher to compare his home traits to school issues we had the county board of education send a team (yes team) of psychologists and therapists to observe him in school and test him because we thought he might be leaning toward autism but they said he was fine except for the diagnosis given. We read alot about it from what we could find since it was a newer diagnosis and we along with the school and his great teacher found ways around his issues and he is doing great (straight A's). One thing about his issues is that he has a great mind. His social skills are a little behind but he still is able to make friends. Anyway I would have the school do some testing along with interviewing you along with the biological fathers background to come up with a plan. Just a shot in the dark but his behaviors might be do to his inability to understand or do the work given to him and if the teachers aren't able to come up with him ways in which his learning ablility can be found to make sense then he will be bored and act out. For example my boy might go around the normal way of coming up with an answer to a question but if he gets the right answer then so be it. You can't force him to write a letter the way most people do but if it comes out the same and you can read it then great. On the down side there are some kids I've worked with that don't change until they are in their late teens and then some who will never change. Do all you can now in these early years to curve what might later be a building problem. I medications are suggested don't be afraid of them if it helps. Side effects such as poor appetite or being tired are better then a discipline problems as long as they don't affect his health. This is just my opinion as in the opening statement I'm a nurse not a doctor. Hang in there and good luck. Lastly but firstly, If you are a religious person get him involved in church and if your not maybe start. At least keep him in the right crowd. Good Luck and God Bless.....

nyyankeegirl
09-25-2008, 02:08 PM
I have never heard of ODD. I just looked it up, and bam, that's my DS6. I've had problems with him for a long time, and just never knew what to do. I thought it could be ADHD, but some things just didn't click. Well ODD clicks. We are leaving for Disney tomorrow, but I swear when we get back, I'm gonna start looking into having him evaluated. But I'm gonna start at home today with the positive reinforcement and some of the other techniques I just read about. That might make for a more enjoyable vacation as well!!
Thanks again to the Dis for shedding some light on another touchy subject! :worship: :worship: