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View Full Version : OT- My almost 13 YO...


shaunaday
09-21-2008, 10:52 AM
My daughter is everything a parent could want.

She is smart and hard working. She never gets anything less than an A on her report card, her teachers love her, she is respectful of adults and her peers.

She is a very pretty young lady with a great sense of humor, a funky sense of fashion, and seems to be a pretty normal middle school aged child when it comes to her interests. She can be moody, like most teens but for the most part she is happy and enjoys hanging out with her family.

She has very strong convictions, is active in church and is often *MY* moral compass.

However...she has ONE real friend. This is the only person who she can really call a friend. This friend is fabulous and I adore her! She is probably the best friend my daughter could ever ask for and I think her family is great. But she doesn't go to the same school as my daughter or the same church. I just can't understand why she isn't making friends with the kids she sees everyday.

Last night we went to the county fair and she was uncomfortable with all the kids her age running around with "boyfriends" and "girlfriends". She was upset to see one of her former classmates smoking. I am glad that she is such a strong young lady, but I hate seeing her pull out of the middle school social scene.

She is involved in chorus, sports, drama, etc. at school and in the community. She has lots of people that she "knows" and "likes" but only one that she hangs out with or calls on the phone.

In the past 2 years, she has only had her one friend sleep over or even come over!

What's a mom to do?

Am I over-reacting? I don't want to force her to make friends with kids that aren't "good for her", but I am considering telling her that she has to invite someone new to sleep over or go to a movie or something before she and her other friend can do anything together again.

tkme4ard
09-21-2008, 10:58 AM
honestly I wouldn't push the issue. It sounds like you are doing a great job at raising her and making her aware of what she's seeing is wrong. She sounds like she's social enough KWIM? Just let her be herself, she seems like she's got it all figured out :)

not that your talking about boys etc but..

I was a kid like her once, I rarely dated because the guys just weren't what I wanted to see myself with. I ended up meeting my dh online, and he's 7 years older than I. We mesh well because he was older, more mature etc. I'm glad i had the sense to wait. this was 16 years ago LOL I was 19 when we met.

luckey-lasvegas
09-21-2008, 12:02 PM
As long as she is happy I'd leave it alone. I'd much rather have my DD home and happy not getting involved with all the Jr. High drama. It sounds to me that she is a little more mature than her peers right now. Give it time and they will catch up to her. Encourage her to keep in contact with her good friend and plan outings that can include her.

AJKMOM
09-21-2008, 12:08 PM
My daughter is more mature than her peers, and she has friends, but no good friends. It is frustrating, but if your daughter isn't comfortable making friends her own age, you shouldn't force her. You would be surprised to learn what goes on in middle school, things that your daughter won't tell you about, and doesn't want to be a part of either.

You need to let her decide, maybe the people she goes to school with are people she doesn't want to get close to. You could force her to become "friends " with girls who she knows aren't really friend material. Girls in middle and high school can be selfish and mean, very mean.

One example--You say she is happy hanging out and being with family; well, most middle schoolers hate their families, and most likely if they knew she actually liked you, she would be teased. Some drink alcohol, have sex, and smoke as early as middle school.

shaunaday
09-21-2008, 01:05 PM
Thanks for the replies.

My DH agrees with all of you (that I should let it be), but I still worry. I will back off and see what happens.

Wish me luck...I tend to obsess. ;)

Princessbaby
09-21-2008, 01:27 PM
I think it sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders and you should be proud of her.You have done a good job with her!:)

I have a DS9 who has a lot of friends but not any he is really close to. When we go to school functions, kids are always surrounding him and talking to him but he doesn't like to get into all the stuff they are into.We used to always ask why he doesn't hang around with so and so, and his response is always they're too wild and they get in trouble a lot. So I let it be because he has his own interests and he's happy and he likes to be with his family. There will come a time when he is really grown-up and he'll be out on his own. I think this day in age it's great when a kid wants to be with their family. A good example of this: yesterday my DS got a call from a friend to spend the night and he didn't want to because he and his brother had made plans earlier in the week for Saturday night and he didn't want to back out of it. Not to mention that this "friend" always treats his brother badly (the term "atomic wedgie" has been used more than once!) and he doesn't like this friend being mean to his little brother. I was proud of him for keeping his plan with his brother. His teachers always tell us that he is mature for his age and I think this has a lot to do with it too.

K and K's Mommy
09-21-2008, 02:06 PM
If you had written age 10 and a boy, it could have been my post!! I, too, constantly worry. All the teachers say my DS has lots of friends. (I've been asking every year since K!) While I think this is true in classroom situations, he doesn't have a lot of playdates. He is involved in a lot of stuff but he doesn't seem to make good friends. He is definitely not your typical boy. He doesn't do the wild, boyish stuff and does not like rules to be broken. He is currently not playing soccer at recess because they break too many rules, and that bothers him. I dread middle school for fear he'll be bullied. I am already thinking high school will be better if he can find his niche.

I don't have a lot of suggestions. I have been told that since he is a happy kid to let it go. One of his teachers said, "He is very comfortable in his own skin." I think my DH was a lot like him. I just was always surrounded by a gaggle of friends so I worry!

Princessbaby
09-21-2008, 02:09 PM
If you had written age 10 and a boy, it could have been my post!! I, too, constantly worry. All the teachers say my DS has lots of friends. (I've been asking every year since K!) While I think this is true in classroom situations, he doesn't have a lot of playdates. He is involved in a lot of stuff but he doesn't seem to make good friends. He is definitely not your typical boy. He doesn't do the wild, boyish stuff and does not like rules to be broken. He is currently not playing soccer at recess because they break too many rules, and that bothers him. I dread middle school for fear he'll be bullied. I am already thinking high school will be better if he can find his niche.

I don't have a lot of suggestions. I have been told that since he is a happy kid to let it go. One of his teachers said, "He is very comfortable in his own skin." I think my DH was a lot like him. I just was always surrounded by a gaggle of friends so I worry!

My DS9 is the same way- the other boys play kickball and he says they always end up fighting and getting time outs on the fence and they don't just play- they argue too much! My DS knows what he likes and is comfortable with that- doesn't help us moms though- I always worry about my kids.

NEDisneyFans
09-21-2008, 02:52 PM
My guess is that you were much more "social" at this age than your daughter is -- my mom and I went through the same thing. She had grown up with a group of girls that all hung out together and talked on the phone and later were in each others weddings etc . . . mom used to worry that I was "missing out" or she would worry that "something was wrong" that I wasn't telling her because I preferred one-on-one time with a friend or hanging out on my own.

I finally told her that I was more comfortable being with myself (I didn't think of it as being "alone") or with a friend who knew and liked ME than being with one or more people with whom I would have to "be someone else" to be accepted. I knew a lot of kids in junior and senior high school and ended up with a few good friends -- though they didn't necessarily know each other! I had one real friend who is still in my life (1,000 miles away physically, but still close emotionally).

While I'll never have "tons" of friends, I feel good in my own skin, am happy in my life, and am comfortable interacting with just about anyone in most social situations.

From the way you describe her, I'd say to let your daughter find her own way. As long as she knows she is loved at home, she will have the support she needs to find herself and her own friends.

Best wishes to both of you!

SmallWorld71
09-21-2008, 02:59 PM
I have a DS9 who has a lot of friends but not any he is really close to. When we go to school functions, kids are always surrounding him and talking to him but he doesn't like to get into all the stuff they are into.We used to always ask why he doesn't hang around with so and so, and his response is always they're too wild and they get in trouble a lot. So I let it be because he has his own interests and he's happy and he likes to be with his family. There will come a time when he is really grown-up and he'll be out on his own. I think this day in age it's great when a kid wants to be with their family. A good example of this: yesterday my DS got a call from a friend to spend the night and he didn't want to because he and his brother had made plans earlier in the week for Saturday night and he didn't want to back out of it. Not to mention that this "friend" always treats his brother badly (the term "atomic wedgie" has been used more than once!) and he doesn't like this friend being mean to his little brother. I was proud of him for keeping his plan with his brother. His teachers always tell us that he is mature for his age and I think this has a lot to do with it too.


This sounds exactly like my DS9. It's good to know there are others out there like him.:goodvibes

OP- I'd say one good friend beats lots of fake friends any day.:thumbsup2

Luv Bunnies
09-21-2008, 04:17 PM
You can't push a kid into making friends. And I definitely wouldn't tell her she has to make a new friend before she can see the old one again. If she made a friend who ended up being a bad influence, you'd wish she only had that one friend again!

I wouldn't push the issue at all. Maybe she just hasn't met anyone she likes well enough to hang out with. And that should be her choice.

thegrimdwarf
09-21-2008, 05:05 PM
I skimmed earlier responses and realize I'm repeating some of what's already been said, but I thought I'd chime in anyway.

I have always been very, very selective with regards to my friends. I have lots of acquaintances, and people I am friendly or social with. But *true* friends, for me, are people I trust and care for deeply, and who make me comfortable; people I turn to in crisis, who catch me when I fall. My husband jokes that I practice some sort of social mating-for-life. I was this way when I was 5, lol.

It sounds to me like your daughter has figured out very early on that quality friends are more important than quantity friends. I think you should be proud of her. And like a prior poster said - if she's happy, leave her be.