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View Full Version : If your sister and her 20 something yr old son were not speaking


fortheluvofpooh
09-15-2008, 01:09 PM
to each other because of a reason you know nothing about, and your sister said to you that she would like if you have nothing to do with him until he resolves his disagreement with her, would you listen? IMHO it is not my fight it is hers so what to do? :confused3 :confused3

*pixie*dust*
09-15-2008, 01:20 PM
Are you an your nephew really close? Is he possibly involved in something nefarious? Do your sister and he have drama often? A little more insight in the situation might help to make a determination.

I know how hard it is to get in the middle of family "stuff". :hug:

LadyShea
09-15-2008, 01:20 PM
As you said, you know nothing about it and it's not your fight, I would tell her exactly that....and include you don't want to know or become embroiled.

crisi
09-15-2008, 01:34 PM
I'd tell her she has no business trying to control who I do or don't speak to and she shouldn't put me in the middle of her disagreements. If I think its appropriate to talk to her son, I will. If I judge its best not to, I won't.

(If the kid is moving down the addiction path and is at the lying and stealing to feed his habit stage, I would judge its best not to talk to him. If his mom doesn't like his girlfriend or wants him to be a Doctor while he wants to major in Dance - then I'd continue whatever relationship I had with him prior to his mother acting like a six year old.)

fortheluvofpooh
09-15-2008, 01:39 PM
Are you an your nephew really close? Is he possibly involved in something nefarious? Do your sister and he have drama often? A little more insight in the situation might help to make a determination.

I know how hard it is to get in the middle of family "stuff". :hug:
definitely not the criminal type young man. and yes my sister is very dramatic, way overboard. Like I said I don't know what the fight is about. Honestly I don't care to know. My nephew and I are not distant but do not see each other daily. We live 100 miles away from each other and talk when we see each other and email 1 or 2 x a week.

thomasclan85
09-15-2008, 01:41 PM
to each other because of a reason you know nothing about, and your sister said to you that she would like if you have nothing to do with him until he resolves his disagreement with her, would you listen? IMHO it is not my fight it is hers so what to do? :confused3 :confused3

Continue to talk to him if you want to. I have a half-sister that tried the same thing with me and my mom. She wanted to bad mouth our mom when she called and I simply told her to keep her and her problems with our mom between the 2 of them. I don't have time for someone else's drama and you probably don't either. Good luck!:goodvibes

fortheluvofpooh
09-15-2008, 01:41 PM
I'd tell her she has no business trying to control who I do or don't speak to and she shouldn't put me in the middle of her disagreements. If I think its appropriate to talk to her son, I will. If I judge its best not to, I won't.

(If the kid is moving down the addiction path and is at the lying and stealing to feed his habit stage, I would judge its best not to talk to him. If his mom doesn't like his girlfriend or wants him to be a Doctor while he wants to major in Dance - then I'd continue whatever relationship I had with him prior to his mother acting like a six year old.)


I think the disagreement has something to do with more like this type of situation.

thegrimdwarf
09-15-2008, 01:41 PM
I'd let her know that her request is going to be respectfully denied, unless she can tell how your communication with you nephew is going to harm him in some way. If my brother ever asked me to stop talking to my niece until he said it was OK, I'd need an explanation. If she doesn't want to explain the drama, she shouldn't involve you in it by placing restrictions on your relationship with your nephew.

disneyplanningdad
09-15-2008, 01:44 PM
Sounds like you need to tell your sister that you love her very much, she can trust you, you will not pass judgement an her or her son and that you would lik to know what is going on so that you can help in any way possible but that you would like to continue speaking to both of them.

*pixie*dust*
09-15-2008, 01:45 PM
definitely not the criminal type young man. and yes my sister is very dramatic, way overboard. Like I said I don't know what the fight is about. Honestly I don't care to know. My nephew and I are not distant but do not see each other daily. We live 100 miles away from each other and talk when we see each other and email 1 or 2 x a week.

I would say then just stay the course. Keep up communication, "business as usual". If your sister has a flair for the dramatic I am sure it will blow over.

Wigit12
09-15-2008, 02:09 PM
In these cases in our family, DH and I are normally the only person the kids can turn to. Sometimes they need an adult other than a parent to confide in. I'd never turn them away unless I knew the whole situation and thought they were being hurtful.

jeepgirl30
09-15-2008, 02:27 PM
I never understood parents not speaking to their children. Now as a mother of 2 I really don't get it.

I'd tell your sister he is your nephew and you will continue your relationship with him as her issues are not yours.

Nancyg56
09-16-2008, 07:56 PM
I am also a Mom. I don't understand not speaking to one of your children. If my sister asked me not to speak to one of her children because she chose that path I would have to tell her that I don't behave that way.

themilesfamily
09-16-2008, 10:26 PM
I'd tell her she has no business trying to control who I do or don't speak to and she shouldn't put me in the middle of her disagreements. If I think its appropriate to talk to her son, I will. If I judge its best not to, I won't.

ITA

How odd and inappropriate to try to alienate her son from the entire family, just because she's in an argument with him.

I have a sister who pulls these kinds of things, though, so I know how that works. :sad2:

ClarabelleCowFan
09-16-2008, 11:13 PM
I like my nephews better than my sisters so I would just tell her I was siding with HIM no matter what the problem was. :rolleyes1

I_Know_You2!
09-17-2008, 06:48 AM
I'd tell her she has no business trying to control who I do or don't speak to and she shouldn't put me in the middle of her disagreements. If I think its appropriate to talk to her son, I will. If I judge its best not to, I won't.

(If the kid is moving down the addiction path and is at the lying and stealing to feed his habit stage, I would judge its best not to talk to him. If his mom doesn't like his girlfriend or wants him to be a Doctor while he wants to major in Dance - then I'd continue whatever relationship I had with him prior to his mother acting like a six year old.)

Yep.

Anonomom
09-17-2008, 07:37 AM
I agree with pretty much everyone else here, and I go further. Make an effort to seek out your nephew and let him know that he still has family that loves him. It could end up meaning the world to him.

My parents and I were estranged for most of my late teens/early twenties. One of the things that hurt worst about it was that I was totally cut off from my extended family, too. I knew my mom was telling them all sorts of lies about me and why we weren't speaking, and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally got to speak to an aunt a few years later, and it was such a relief to find out that most of the family suspected all wasn't as my mom represented things. The only one who totally believed her was my grandmother, and that relationship has never recovered.

This is all a long way of saying that there's a chance that your nephew needs you in his life now more than ever. And if you find out that he really is the one in the wrong, you can decide for yourself how to proceed.

seashoreCM
09-17-2008, 12:38 PM
Both need to tell you their sides of the story (why they don't get along) starting with your sister.

Since you sister in effect wants you to take sanctions against her son (your nephew) your sister should be giving you specific and concrete reasons why.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

Aristomommy
09-17-2008, 12:49 PM
definitely not the criminal type young man. and yes my sister is very dramatic, way overboard. Like I said I don't know what the fight is about. Honestly I don't care to know. My nephew and I are not distant but do not see each other daily. We live 100 miles away from each other and talk when we see each other and email 1 or 2 x a week.

With this information added, I would keep in touch with the nephew. I would set limits for both of them though to keep you out of the disagreement. Your sister is trying to put pressure on your nephew by alienating him from family, which is terrible. I have a mother who used to do that to gain leverage in a fight. Finally family members got tired of it and just ignored her.

LisaInNc
09-17-2008, 02:10 PM
It's not your fight so you should be able to talk to him as you see fit and unless it's a tough love type situation where she is trying to deal with an addiction or some other distructive behavior you should do that you think is right.

HGD24
09-17-2008, 02:29 PM
I grew up dealing with this with my mom's family. My grandmother and aunts were constantly fighting and then calling everyone to tell them not to talk to the other person. When my mother was angry with her mother or one of her sisters, she never did the "don't talk to that person" deal nor did she let the fights trickle down to us kids, but my aunts did get their kids involved. Now, thier kids fight with each other and call around telling people not to talk to the other person - it's a vicious cycle.

I would politely tell your sister that you love them both and that you understand that there are hurt feelings, but that you would rather not be a part of the disagreement and therefore, will be talking to both of them. I would also ask that they not involve you in the disagreement and not ask you to choose sides.