I am sick....

[mykidsintow]

I know that I have been just "off" recently. I am going to just vent/go off/ramble/spill it. I am hoping maybe it will be theraputic.... I am not sure anything would really help right now.

As you all know I am married and I have 2 beautiful babies. We decided to try surrogacy. My online friendof 7 yrs offered to be our surrogate. We were over-the-moon excited. She has 2 kids of her own, one was her bio, one her partners. She is a lesbian....

At the end of July she came here, all was well. 3 weeks ago we went there. We visited, met all of her family. We were *suppose*to inseminate, but her cycle didn't cooperate. The following weekend my husband went back to inseminate. I could not go, I was home with the kids. He was gone Thurs-Sun, 3 insems.

He gets home, all seems well. On Tuesday I get a letter from her that she is in love with my husband. "it became clear towards the beginning of our weekend together that we had undeniable feelings for each other".... UMM? Surely he is sane. Surely he will tell her to fly a kite. Oh no... he continues talking to her online. By the weekend he decided to go out of town to "get away and think".

As of last night he has admitted he has feelings for her. I will call a therapist tmw. He SAYS that he has not had loved me "in that way" in years. That this just brought it to light.... so them umm WHY were we going to have a kid? Is he nuts? I left for a couple of hrs last night. I had to get out, clear my mind. Turns out the entire time he was on the phone with her. TodayI went into town to the grocery, again he spent the time on the phone.

I am livid, angry, crushed, devistated, hurt, angry. I have no concept of his messed up mind. I don't understand how he could possibly be doing this to me.... but even more to our children.

So there you have it..... I am just sick :(

BTW, he still wants to go to Dis....Julia is looking forward to it, so he feels we should..... I prefer to just crawl in a hole.....

[StormTigger]

:sick: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[TheChaoticChef]

Beth, I just wanted to give you a big ole HUG for what you're going through. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[rpmdfw]

Beth, I don't have any idea what to say to this. I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

The only thing I KNOW about this is that you are an amazing person. Capable of more kindness and giving than anyone I've encountered in a very long time. Do not let this make you think less of yourself. You are truly remarkable, no matter what happens. Remember that.

Lean on us as much as you feel comfortable doing. We're here for you.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Saxton]

Beth - I'm so sorry, I wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can do is offer support. :hug: I know that whatever happens you and the kids will be fine. You're a wonderful Mom and you've got enough love for the kids to make it through all this. Any chance you could take the kids to Disney by yourself? You might need a break from everything and what better place.

[OrlandoMike]

Beth,

I am still speechless with this news, it's been eating away at me since you told me a few days ago...

You know its bad enough when this happens to us childless folks, you pack your crap up, leave, and get on with life. I cant even imagine dealing with kids and this at the same time.

You know I, and the rest of us, are always here for you, WHENEVER you need us!

I guess that's all I can say for now........:grouphug:

[TinkerChelle]

My heart goes out to you.....:hug: You are in my thoughts and prayers....

[starann]

Beth,
I have been thinking of you since last week. HUGS HUGS HUGS. Is there any chance he wants to try couples therapy or has he made a decision on what he wants to do? If you can get into see a therapist together, it may help, or even if he was to go alone to 'clear' his mind or work out his issues.

Please know I am here, as we all are. If you need to talk to someone, pm me and I'll give you my number.


HUGS

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Beth,
I am so sorry! I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel! :hug: I don't think I would ever forgive DH if he did that to me. I definitely would never forgive my friend. :sad2: Obviously we are all here for you! Hang in there and let us know what we can do to help!

[mykidsintow]

I just wanted to say thanks! I really needed a place that I could just let it out and you guys are awsome! I am very lucky be have this place to come.

I am not really sure. He says its been this way for years and nothing has changed. He won't stop talking to her. He says he will go to therapy (I have calls into 2 therapists). I am told we will start individually and then do therapy together. I hope that maybe it will get his head back on his shoulders. I am currently pouring all my efforts into remaining calm and stable with the kids. Julia is fine, Jared understands something is up.

He wants to take things slow. Go to therapy and if nothing really has changed after or trip next month he wants to begin copying paperwork, pictures, etc. He says it will be a slow drawn out process and should nothing have changed we will put the house on the market by the end of January. He wants to be civil about everything and remain respectful (for our kids), but he won't stop talking to her. I did really let off some steam last night..... I gave a real clear lesson on respect and how when I run to the grocery him calling her in the house WITH OUR KIDS is hardly respect.

I think he is confused..... maybe its related to his mom passing this past Easter weekend. I am not sure, I have no real explanations. I feel like I am treading water ith cement blocks tied to my ankles.....

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I think "respectful" is not a word that applies here. As soon as he decided he had feelings for someone else and then decided to act on them by calling her all the time, respect vanished from the scene. On the one hand I can see taking things slow for the kids. I also see him wanting to do things on HIS timeline, which is disrespectful and selfish.

Not to be morbid, but I would meet with a reputable divorce lawyer NOW. Maybe you will never require those services, and that would be fabulous, but I like to have lots of information about situations I MAY have to face. It gives you time to sort out your options. Once you know all the laws, variables, etc. you are in a better position to make choices for yourself and your kids. :hug:

My mom just sat back and let my father do whatever he wanted, as long as he paid the bills. That is still a very sore subject with me. She got completely screwed in their divorce (when she FINALLY divorced him) because she didn't advocate for herself. Now he is dead and she has breast cancer. She is trying to raise my 16 year old sister without any child support and a pittance of life insurance that he titled so nobody can access it until my sister turns 18. :mad: She didn't know the insurance was set up that way. Like I said, the more you know, the better off you are!

[bubie2.5]

I'm sorry to read about your situation. I have to agree with everything jackskellingtonsgirl said. Pray for the best outcome, but be prepared for the worse.

[starann]

Beth....This is just my opinion and may sound a little harsh, which I know you don't need right now. My feeling is, if he still insits on talking with her, he has already made up his mind on which way he wants this to go but by saying he will 'see' how things shape up after your trip is him not wanting to commit 100% to his decision. If he wants things to work out best for your family and wants to TRY to stay a family, he has to stop talking with her while he tries to make things work with you. If he continues to talk with her, it will never workout with you. The trust is gone, but he can't have his cake and eat it too. He needs to decide if he wants a relationship with her OR he wants a family with you. If he choses to work things out for his family he needs to stop all talks with her. Same being said, if he decides he wants to be with her, it isn't fair for him to live with you and go on vacation and be a family for now. It's not fair for him to have it both ways.

I know he says he wants things to stay civil for the kids and I don't know him, so I can't say how he will act. But dragging it on until after Xmas is just setting things up for nastiness and decit. When ever he is on the phone you will wonder if it is her or assume it is and it will eat away at you.

I am so sorry you are gonig through this right now. It SUCKS. He is being selfish and thinking of no one but him and his needs and wants. Sadly, you have to be the adult and think of not only yourself but the children.


HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS....maybe I can give yo ua real hug at WDW!

[rosiep]

Beth-

As a wife and a mother who has gone through some painful times...I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone.
Also, please do not let your husband's confusion damage your feelings of self worth. It is all too easy to start doubting yourself...DON'T!!! This is his dishonor and his alone.
Thinking of you
-R

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

First, let me say that I am sorry to hear this news. I am not surprised, because of a couple of things that you have said in other threads, but I am sad for you and the kids.

What the heck has made this man lose his freakin' mind? We will really never know. But, the more important thing for you is to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to secure your life and the future for your children.

Get a lawyer ASAP. You should get some advice from a professional on things that you should be and can legally be doing to make sure that your children and your interests are protected.

As a former cheater, I can tell you some things that you most likely will not want to hear, but it's just the way that it works. If he has a phone glued to his ear, in your family home, in front of your children, even innocently discussing things with this woman, then he is not your husband anymore. He's lost, he's gone, he's just not into you anymore and no amount of therapy is going to fix that. The decision was made weeks, months, years ago to find someone new that would hopefully be a "better fit". The potentially right opportunity presented itself and now he has chosen to go for it. Sadly, it's just going to suck to be you for awhile. He probably has found a way to justify everything in his head. He has probably focused on every negative thing that has happened since he met you and has chosen to see only the PITA part of the relationship, rather than keeping the focus on the positive things. It's easier to screw you over if you are a monster in his head. He most likely does feel guilty about tearing the home apart in respect to the kids. He is so wrapped up in the new woman that he can't see straight. Don't look for him to handle your emotions very well. He is going to want to share the new wonderful relationship with someone and at some point, he's probably going to want to discuss her at length with you and sell her as the next best thing to Mother Theresa, so it's going to hurt like heck, just be prepared to tell him to go soak his head.

Parenting is not a hobby. Mike should have been more honest with you about his feelings for you, before he went along with the idea of making a forever home for these children. He wasn't and that sucks. I have very little respect for him right now. The idea of a slow break sounds great in theory, but it usually doesn't do anyone any favors, except that it will make it appear that he was trying.

I am sorry that your relationship is in the crapper. :hug:

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Beth -- I don't know you very well but this is just too sad. Only you know what is right for you and your family -- but I hope you consider looking into couple's counseling. It can make a huge difference in both parties' perspectives. Please know you and your family will be in my prayers. :grouphug:

[tomboy_m]

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there and be true to yourself. Seems as if he wasn't being very honest with you.:hug:

[Cindy F]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and as a family counselor, I have to agree with the other poster-he has already left. Counseling only works if both parties want it to work and are equally vested in making it work.

When one of the parties is attending counseling to: look better, attempt to appease the other person in preparation for divorce, assauge guilt feelings so they can later say "well, I tried, I even went to counseling", peer pressure, etc....it never works. It doesn't work because they are not going for the right reasons.

It sounds like he is already emotionally/mentally connected to her and is attempting to "have his cake and eat it too". The situation has now put you in the "non-fun person who is trapping me here and represents all the grown up responsibilities and drudgery of life" role while the other party has been put into the "fun, carefree, forbidden, no responsibility, walk in the park, where I really want to be" role.

Too many people interpret the above as love when it isn't and you will probably never get him to see that, it's typically something people have to realize on their own.

Of course he hasn't felt "that way" about you in years, apparently what he defines as "that way" is the newness of a relationship. That feeling simply can not last unless you go to another "new" relationship. I'm not saying that once you have been in a relationship for a long time there is no spark what I AM saying is that it's not going to be like when you first met all the time. It's illogical for people to expect that but many do.

Love is not the excitement you feel in a brand new relationship, it is the day to day togetherness, paying bills, doing chores, raising children, and being committed to each other and to making the relationship work--the "true gold" of relationships--not the shiny flash of something new coming down the pike, the "fool's gold" of relationships---as evidenced by the many fools that chase after it.

I know that this probably hasn't helped you one bit and ultimately you have to do what you think is best for you but whatever you decide remember this: you do not deserve this, this has NOTHING to do with you, you have done nothing wrong, and you WILL be happy again one day.

As a side note, if your husband is between 35 and 50 and you have noticed other changes in him lately, you might want to look through the symtoms of male mid-life crisis and/or andropause.
Be kind to yourself during this awful time and know that many are sending well wishes and healing thoughts your way.

[karibritt01]

Beth... I don't know you, but the title of your thread caught my attention. Your situation sounds very like what happened between my husband and myself many years ago, although thankfully before kids in my case. He began talking with an ex-girlfriend over the phone when she was going through a divorce. Before long, he was in love with her, and wanted a divorce. He wanted to hang around until he could move to Kansas to be with her, continue to talk to her on the phone, and keep it a secret from everyone the reason why we were splitting up. I decided that he was only looking out for himself, and I kicked him out. I also made sure everyone knew the reason for the split. (OK... that was just vindictive on my part, but it made me feel better that everyone knew he was such a jerk!) He did see the light after about 6 weeks. He moved back and we went to counceling... that was 13 years ago.

Your situation sounds very similar in that he wants to stay, go on vacations, have Christmas... yet continue to talk to her. I think if he wants her, then you need to get him out now. His being there and drawing out the process of separation will only make it harder for you to begin the healing process. It can still be civil, but it doesn't have to be in your face 24/7. If he truly wants to go to counceling, then the phone calls and relationship need to end immediately. There is no way he can try to make the marriage work if he is continuing the new relationship.

As for speaking to a lawyer... check into laws in your state concerning "alienation of affection." I know in my state, a person can be sued for persuing someone married. It won't fix anything, but may be some real good therapy for you!

[lttlmc3]

Beth...I don't know you either, but your story just pulled at my heart. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But I was wondering why you would want to stay with someone who would do this to you? Trust me, I know how easy it is to justify everything in your own mind, but he really is being awful to you. I would ask him for a seperation and I would seek my own counceling. You may even need to seek counceling for your children. However, I wouldn't keep him around. It's not fair to you. You are worth so much more than all of this. If he wants to be with her, then fine, he can go. But he can not stay with you if he wants to be with her. And yes, I would seek a divorce lawyer also. He or she can give you information on a seperation also.

[mykidsintow]

I use to like roller coasters.... this one sucks. I want to go outside and scream "GET ME OFF THIS *#$%$#(* RIDE!!!"

Last night was emotional. We talked a *lot*. Eventually I left just to get away and clear my head. We talked and argued. For the first time I really yelled and cried and got some of my emotions out. It all sucks. As I left he said he was going to bed, but whenI pulled in 1.5 hours later the garage door opened and he climbed into my vehicle to talk more.

3:30am I finally said "You need to leave I am ready for bed" (he was in our, now MY room). This morning he was getting ready for work and I stirred. I am NOT a morning person. I remember hearing him and him whispering "sorry I am leaving now" and I said "Ok, have a good day. I love you" Then he was over hugging me.


Fast forward.... 10:30am. He called and said "I have been thinking a lot and I would like the phone number to the therapist you talked to. I have also decided I am going to limit my contact with her". Ummmm ok?! I said calmly "Really? Well thanks I really appreciate that." Of course everyone is going to ask "How limited?" I have NO stinking clue. I didn't push it. This was him putting effort and I saw no reason to attack and corner him. I think he is dealing with incredible amts of loss (not that its peachy for me) and he is confused... screwed up. Call it what you will, his head isn't on right.

He will figure it out or he won't. We will work things out together or we won't. I will remain civil for my kids. I *will* be respectable. I know in the end if it doesn't work I will be fine. Our kids will be fine. I am a strong independent person...... it just will suck for awhile.

I think from what I have learned from all of this is that everyone seems to have been in a position similar to this at some point in time. When you get to this point in a marriage/relationship you either choose to fight and work it out, or you choose to walk away. I know what I would choose, but I can't pick for us both. Saddly option B requires both parties.

So again I thank you all for your ongoing support..... :hug:

[Mermaid_Ariel]

Beth, I don't know you either but the title of this thread caught my attention. I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts.

[ChrizJen]

As others have said, I don't know you, but I'm so sorry. :grouphug:
I know that words from strangers cannot take away your hurt, but my heart aches for you. :sad1:

I would say that you're being very mature and understanding of this strange situation. I know that this is jumping ahead, but if he is indeed serious about going to therapy and working this through (and if YOU'RE willing to work through it with him), then I would suggest going to counselling together as well. You'll probably need to lay it all out for him as to what you expect. If you want him to cut all contact with her (and I wouldn't blame you in the least if you did), then just tell him that. You obviously love him, but if he's not 100% committed to you and to making it work, then there's no point.

My prayers go out to you, and I hope that whatever happens, things get better for you. :hug:

[jenn&nelsonrego]

:hug:

I don't know what to say except that I am sorry this is happening to you and your children. My thoughts are with you.

[rosiep]

Hi Beth

Thinking of you today and I know exactly what it feels like to want time to hurry up and pass. The hardest part right now has to be the uncertainty.
But, time will pass...either way you will begin a new chapter in your life. My life was miserable during my husband's midlife crisis..but I can honestly say he is a changed man because of it...and changed for the better.:grouphug: :grouphug:

[karibritt01]

Beth... sounds like this AM was a positive step for you and him. I hope that you can work through this. I won't lie and tell you that it is easy. It took me a long time to stop feeling hurt and betrayed after my husband and I got back together. But time does heal those wounds, too. :hug:

[starann]

Beth,
Thanks for the update..I've been thinking of you all day. I'm sorry you have to ride this roller coaster. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders....no matter what you are a strong person and I'm sure you will get through this (I know you just wish you could get around it and not get trhough it)


HUGS....keep us posted

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Beth - More :hug: and :wizard: headed your way today!

I do know of one situation where things worked out OK.

My cousin and her DH separated for awhile when their DD was 5. Cousin's DH worked in an office full of women. Apparently they had plenty of time for chit-chat, and these evil shrews convinced him that women should never have dry skin on their heels, should shave their bikini lines year-round, and all sorts of other ridiculous crap that women who work full-time and have kids would find laughable. One woman in particular convinced him that she would be a WAY better wife for him than my cousin. So he left my cousin and their DD, and went off to be with this woman. My cousin went on her way. She had a good job, started exercising to deal with the stress, planned at WDW trip for herself and DD, basically just went on like he never existed. And he came back. Now their DD is 14 and they are doing fine. He was gone less than a year, if I recall correctly.

Sometimes it does work out. Whatever happens with you, I hope it is for the best!

[dvcmommy]

Beth,

I don't know you, but I've read some of your blog, and I must say you sound like such a super, nice, caring person. To adopt two children with special needs takes a very devoted person. I see you also home school, which is more proof of your devotion and caring. It is terrible that something like this would happen to you.

I am not saying the following to hurt you, but it is something you should comsider. Sometimes really nice people have a very hard time seeing that not everyone is as nice as them. Now, I admit to being the type of person who can easily see the worst in people. I would have to wonder if a lot of this was pre-meditated on your husband and "S's" part. She re-connects with you online and HAPPENS to mention she is looking to be a surrogate? Maybe your husband and she had also met online and had been communicating for a while and they had this all planned out. Then, you go to visit and her cycle just happens to not work out, so that he has to travel back to see her alone for the weekend?

If I am reading and understanding this insemination stuff correctly, it looks like your husband just found a way to have an affair with your approval.

If you are intent on making this marriage work, I think you need to have all of your questions answered, he needs to be completely honest and he has to agree to no-contact at all with this woman. There are some forums at loveshack.org for people dealing with infidelity, and a lot of people who have experienced this to give you advice.

Sorry if I am being blunt and negative; I just hate it when nice people get messed over because they don't want to believe anything bad about their loved ones.

[Mackey Mouse]

Oh Beth.... hugs, hugs, hugs.

I am usually very good at advice but I think you have a handle on this. You will work it out your way and he will either decide that he has made the hugest blunder of his life or not.

I hope that with lots of communication between the two of you, you can get to that place where you are a couple again working for the good of the family and caring for each other..

Just know this, you did nothing wrong.....you are a good Mom, I know this from Mike, and I think you are amazing. I have to admit I also want to punch him in the nose, but that is my Italian talking and wanted to interject a little humor here..

Be strong.

[hematite153]

Yikes, Beth!!

How did I miss this??? I was talking to you last week and I thought he'd already come to his senses. What's going on? It just seems random/sudden/shocking/etc.

It sounds like you may be turning some corners, but, please take care of yourself in the mix. I'm torn between the desire to simply say that I care about you, you will be in my prayers, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to and my standard reaction of trying to provide advice.

So, I'm going to say only one thing:
- It doesn't actually help kids to have things go slowly if one person has already checked out. I went on vacation with my mother and step-father after he had decided that he was "leaving if things weren't better between them by date XX". It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'm pretty sure we went because they thought we were looking forward to it and they should keep things looking good for us--it was AWFUL! So, if he's really working on working through your problems, then, go ahead and go to disney together. Otherwise, leave him behind.

Okay, now I'm going to try to keep a hold on my desire to give advice and just repeat...I'm here for you and will keep holding you in my prayers. Please let us know if (when) you need anything.

[DVC~OKW~96]

I've just read this thread. I don't know you, other than what I've come to know of you here on this board, so I hope I don't appear intrusive by entering this thread.

I have no advice other than to tell you to hang onto yourself and do what you need to do. You.

I will send every good thought that this works out the way you need it to.

Please take care and know that you are surrounding by friends and people who care when you visit this board. :hug:

[OrlandoMike]

I'm just saying..........well I dont know what to say..........except YOU amaze me! How this guy could do this to you is...:confused3

The things you do!:thumbsup2


http://raisingsprouts.blogspot.com/2008/09/fairy.html

[mykidsintow]

I just wanted to pop back by.... and mostly say THANKS!!! Thanks for all the support. My world felt as if it was completely crashing down and you guys made such a nice spot for me to land.

I have no real upate. I got sick of dealing with it all and "ran away". I packed up the kids and we went to my grandpas condo in SC for 2 weeks. Kids loved the beach and mom loved the much-needed-break!

We arrived back home yesterday. Everything is pretty civil. We are talking and regardless of the outcome will remain civil. Right now the focus is that we are going to DISNEY WORLD!!! Yipee!! Kids are counting down (Julia is packing daily). Maybe Mickey will have some serious freakin Magic to throw my way this trip. Marriage Healing Pixie Dust for sale anywhere?

Anyway, thanks you guys! I will let you know what happens. We will be there the 12-17th. If anyone is there while we are, please yell!!! :)

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I hope you have a magical trip! :wizard: :hug:

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs Beth, I hope you have a magical trip. If you see that guy with the big ole head, give him a hug from me too.. I miss his face..

I am thinking of you all...

[ConcKahuna]

:hug: Beth!!

Where will you be staying this trip?

[hematite153]

:grouphug:

Thanks for the update; even if there's nothing much new, getting away for awhile has to have helped a bit. Enjoy wdw and I hope you find that special magic pixie dust.

[mykidsintow]

We are staying at AKV!!! Yipee! We will be staying with the "manimals"! Of course I think *part* of the reason they are excite was bunk beds. AKV doesn't have bunk beds.... I am hoping they will be blinded by animals and too excited to notice ;).

We will, in fact, be seeing Mr Big Ole Head himself.... Maybe we should start the tradition of rubbing his head like a budda belly :)

I have to head out to take the princess' carriage to be repaired. She would be one unhappy princess without a powered vessel for her trip and currently it would be 300 lbs of dead weight we would have to push all over.... Here's hoping to an awsome rep getting it fixed right up!

Here is our plan:

Saturday, drive and stay on marriott points closeby.
Sunday - Arrive, swim, explore. Dinner Boma
Mon - EPCOT, princess breakfast
Tues - MK - Dinner cali grill with Shrek and Big Ole Head
Wed - Swim, DTD, Dinner at Ohana right after fireworks on the beach
Thur - DHS, Dinner PTC
Fri - Headin out...


I know most ppl don't usually have a "down day" and I often get comments about why we don't pack more into our trips. The fact is its plain ole exhausting for the princess. She has ppl walking in front of her and getting upset when someone cuts her off and she can't see us for those 5 seconds, etc. She usually needs a day to recoop. We also enjoy so much more taking our time vs. feeling we must see it *all*. IF the crowds are amazingly light and she isn't exhausted on Wed we can always throw something in :woohoo:

[lttlmc3]

I'm glad that you gave us an update! You have been on my mind, especially since a good friend of mine's sister just found out that her husband has been cheating on her for four months! She's very confused right now and scared. It's so sad. It's good to know that you can get through it. How strong you are! I admire you.

[Saxton]

Beth - nice to see you back and I'm glad you and the kids got some r&r for a while. I hope things get better for you.:hug:

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Here's hoping you have a GREAT time!:goodvibes

[NikkiPants]

That's terrible.
:grouphug:
Hang in there, keep your head up, and try to enjoy your trip
:sad1:

[starann]

I hope you have a good vacation it's only.....2 days away!!!!!

[mykidsintow]

YIPEE!!!! We leave tmw morning!!! I am so excited! I just want Disney to wisk me away in a sea of Dis-fab-happiness! Yaay!

Maybe just maybe I will remember enough details for a trip report this go round.... ;)

Maybe.

[hematite153]

Here's hoping you all enjoy a magical vacation. I've always wanted to stay at AKL/AKV so I think you've chosen the perfect resort. I hope you have a blast with all the animals. Here's a little extra pixiedust to get you started.

pixiedust: pixiedust: pixiedust: pixiedust: pixiedust: