PDA

View Full Version : Suddenly Single


mamaloya
08-27-2008, 04:44 PM
Well guys, I don't want to talk too much about what is going on, but my life has just got turned upside down.

I have to move back home, find a house, find a job, put the kids in school (I have homeschooled thus far), sell my camper and big van, etc.

Anyone in the market for a camper???? ;)

Not sure when we will get to go back to the fort. I am going back to teaching so that eliminates all the times we liked to go. I will be in SE LA, so I will get a Mardi Gras break, which is great, except when it falls president's week. I do plan on making one last trip to the fort after we get settled into our new home.

I am glad we had already decided to go back to tent camping before this.

I am trying to decide between Mandeville (north of New Orleans) and Denham Springs (east of Baton Rouge). I considered my hometown, but there are no jobs available for me. In DS, I will be close to LSU when my son starts there next fall (it is his 1st choice college). I really like Mandeville, but am not sure about the job situation there. I am in the process of working with all the lovely army acronym agencies on doing all of these things, but it will take a while. Not sure when we are moving. I will also be having one major yard sale as a lot of our stuff needs to go to fit into a smaller home. No more king bed, no more huge wall unit entertainment center. Won't need a homeschool room, so most of that furniture will go. While I am at it, I may just go with a whole new style closer to my tastes.

My how life has a way of changing in the blink of an eye. I always liked the idea of starting over, but I just did it after Katrina, not really ready to do it again.

Time for a new tatoo!!!! I already dyed my hair. Maybe I will get my lovely belly button pierced too. Anybody got any kungaloosh handy?:drinking1

I really need a trip to the fort. How crowded is it over Thanksgiving? Not sure if I can go this Mardi Gras or not. Can teachers skip school to go to disney? I really need to go there right now. Flying on Soarin'. Rafting down the Kali. Walking down mainstreet. Hanging out at the Fort!!!! Swinging in a hammock on the beach while the kids run amuck at the playground. Hmmm, boy do I need to get there soon. I have looking through the pic of the day to kind of slip away from the real world every night. It is not quite the same, but is nice.

Anyone from LA know the best place to sell a camper?

2goofycampers
08-27-2008, 04:58 PM
frank

VACAMPER
08-27-2008, 04:59 PM
Wow, i'm not gonna ask what happened. I just hope everything works out well for you. Hang in there.

Born 2 Fish
08-27-2008, 05:01 PM
I really don't know what to say,,I am so very sorry that wonderful people have to go thru hard times. But you have those beautiful children to stay strong for. I have always found that no matter how low things can be,,theres always a way up, we just have to find it. I'm sure your children will be a inspiration for you.

mamaloya
08-27-2008, 05:33 PM
So, anyone been to the fort over thanksgiving? Is it doable in a tent? Or, should I wait and try for Mardi Gras?

Oh, and by LA, I mean Louisiana. :)

mamaloya
08-27-2008, 05:52 PM
Oh, and as for you designers out there... Any ideas for a tatoo???? Trying to decide between ankle and shoulder blade. Maybe a hidden mickey?? I am also thinking about a cross or maybe mickey praying to a cross.

Any ideas??? Send me some pics that I can bring with.

BigDaddyRog
08-27-2008, 05:53 PM
Im in no condition to buy it...but I am curious...how much are you looking to sell the Van&Camper for?

stacktester
08-27-2008, 05:55 PM
So, anyone been to the fort over thanksgiving? Is it doable in a tent? Or, should I wait and try for Mardi Gras?

Oh, and by LA, I mean Louisiana. :)

We go every year Thanksgiving. You're more than welcome to pitch a tent on our site. No charge. We get in early Friday morning and stay til Monday afternoon.

ntsammy5
08-27-2008, 06:11 PM
Gee Sandra, sorry to hear all this. Keep us posted when you feel like it.

Good luck.

PolynesianPixie
08-27-2008, 06:12 PM
sandra....I just don't know what to say. But there is a reason for everything. Hold on, be strong and know that you have a lot of love over here!

I'll be on the look out for a tattoo design!

djblu883
08-27-2008, 06:20 PM
well not gonna be there until Dec. but you are welcome to put a tent up with me as well...we had 3 drop out who were going to be in a tent anyway!!!! Dec. 12-20....welcome anytime you wanna join us!!!

BigDaddyRog
08-27-2008, 06:23 PM
Sandra...maybe a little time in the chatroom will cheer ya up...or at least give you someback up!!! They male-bash all the time over there!!!

mamaloya
08-27-2008, 06:27 PM
We go every year Thanksgiving. You're more than welcome to pitch a tent on our site. No charge. We get in early Friday morning and stay til Monday afternoon.

Donnie, be careful, I may just take you up on that. I really need a disney fix right now. If I can't get ressies, you may just hear from me.

I am hoping the movers will be moving us just before Christmas.

Us3
08-27-2008, 06:32 PM
Sandra,

Sorry to hear about all of this...but sounds like you're looking ahead and keeping it positive....so I'll say good luck to you.

mamaloya
08-27-2008, 06:58 PM
I am actually too angry to male bash right now, but I sure will make up for lost time when I am up for it.

As for the chit chat though, I could use some useless chit chat right now. I am avoiding my neighbors right now not knowing who knows what. I am usually outside all day everyday after school hanging out with everyone while the kids play. The army is small though and gossip gets around here like wildfire. I have always avoided gossip and have never been the center of it. It is about to get like an army wives episode around here. :happytv: Yes, I watch that show. And, no, it is not very realistic, until now. And, no, I did not do it. :confused3

I know there are a few of you on here who became suddenly single after a few years of marriage. How did you adjust? I am not looking for dating tips, because I don't ever plan on dating again. I am washing my hands of men altogether. I am done!!!!!!!!! Just want to know how you handled the switch.

Also, still waiting on designs on tatoos.

BigDaddyRog
08-27-2008, 07:02 PM
RvUsa Chatroom (http://www.rvusa.org/dev/forum/chat/)

Come on over...theres a bunch of us there right now

ntsammy5
08-27-2008, 07:03 PM
we're playing really nice

auntie
08-27-2008, 07:06 PM
Hold off on the tatoo..it's not really gonna change anything...what ever it is that has happened. You might wind up with a constant reminder of a tough time. If you still want it in a few months..then go for it! :thumbsup2

I've always enjoyed reading your posts, and if there is anything I can do..even if it's just a shoulder..please let me know. :hug: I will hold a good thought for you and your family.

mamaloya
08-27-2008, 07:29 PM
Hold off on the tatoo..it's not really gonna change anything...what ever it is that has happened. You might wind up with a constant reminder of a tough time. If you still want it in a few months..then go for it! :thumbsup2


You do have a good point. Maybe I will hold off and do it after I am settled and get it to celebrate my success at independence. I do have a friend who kept me from burning all of his clothes. Which turns out is a good thing because he could press charges against me if I had. I still think there is one shirt I may burn, just to blow off some steam. Then I can have a weiny roast. ;) :lmao: :rolleyes1 I'll have him bring the weiny. :rotfl2:

BigDaddyRog
08-27-2008, 07:46 PM
:lmao: Get'em girl!!!

ntsammy5
08-27-2008, 07:47 PM
You go girl!

auntie
08-27-2008, 07:51 PM
You do have a good point. Maybe I will hold off and do it after I am settled and get it to celebrate my success at independence. I do have a friend who kept me from burning all of his clothes. Which turns out is a good thing because he could press charges against me if I had. I still think there is one shirt I may burn, just to blow off some steam. Then I can have a weiny roast. ;) :lmao: :rolleyes1 I'll have him bring the weiny. :rotfl2:


Sounds like a plan :thumbsup2 ..just bury the evidence and make sure there aren't any witnesses. :rolleyes1

The shirt...I'm talkin' about the shirt..not the weiny......:rotfl2:


_________________

Gatordad
08-27-2008, 08:07 PM
you are spitting fire, you won't need a match. Don't hate all us men, just me and rog.... the others are ok. Rog and I are evil. bad rog bad pete. oh, and you can hate men in south florida, but not tung po, he's ok, i'm thiking other men down there. oh and not steve, he drinks hot coffee while sitting in front of a fan blowing 80 miles per hour.

oops, almost said post.

jen's husband is nice, he's from south florida. a little geeky, but every group needs a geek, he's ours, he does just fine.


ok, i think you get the picture.....

oh wait, almost hit post again,

i have a cousin who lives in south florida, haven't seen him in years, but you can hate him too.

AuburnJen92
08-28-2008, 06:32 AM
jen's husband is nice, he's from south florida. a little geeky, but every group needs a geek, he's ours, he does just fine.




you almost got it right there pete, chris is geeky, (not just a little either) but he is a cajun raised in birmingham, al

i imported him down here...

Sandra, hold your head high. You are doing all the right things and will be better off in the long run for it. Hang on, rough roads are ahead, but you will be in a much better place (mentally) when it is over. You will do fine and will be a better person in the end because of this.

ftwildernessguy
08-28-2008, 07:01 AM
Wow - sorry to hear the shocking news. We're not all bad, though. I would reinforce what Phyllis said - don't get any permanent marks on yourself until you've had time to chill a while.

big kahuna1
08-28-2008, 07:09 AM
oh and not steve, he drinks hot coffee while sitting in front of a fan blowing 80 miles per hour.



That's 82.7 miles per hour.:thumbsup2

jrandtysmom
08-28-2008, 08:14 AM
Wow I can relate. :hug: I second (or is it 3rd) that you shouldn't get anything permanent until you've had time to think and get settled or otherwise that tattoo will turn into a permanent reminder of just how much you hate him for how your life has turned upside down. I can only tell you to hang in there and it will get better. I know, I know right now you don't think it will because I never did but now my life is so much better - once I got past the anger and then pain of it all. Like Jen said, you will be a much better place eventually and until then - just don't do anything illegal to him. :rolleyes1

Gatordad
08-28-2008, 08:21 AM
you almost got it right there pete, chris is geeky, (not just a little either) but he is a cajun raised in birmingham, al

i imported him down here...

Sandra, hold your head high. You are doing all the right things and will be better off in the long run for it. Hang on, rough roads are ahead, but you will be in a much better place (mentally) when it is over. You will do fine and will be a better person in the end because of this.



he's more geekish than
cajunish.

big kahuna1
08-28-2008, 11:23 AM
Chris's dis name will be cajungeek.:thumbsup2

ntsammy5
08-28-2008, 11:29 AM
- just don't do anything illegal to him. :rolleyes1

No, that might be OK if you're sure you won't get caught! :lmao:

Gatordad
08-28-2008, 11:57 AM
Wow I can relate. :hug: I second (or is it 3rd) that you shouldn't get anything permanent until you've had time to think and get settled or otherwise that tattoo will turn into a permanent reminder of just how much you hate him for how your life has turned upside down. I can only tell you to hang in there and it will get better. I know, I know right now you don't think it will because I never did but now my life is so much better - once I got past the anger and then pain of it all. Like Jen said, you will be a much better place eventually and until then - just don't do anything illegal to him. :rolleyes1
you'd be cooler if you came to our chats.

jrandtysmom
08-28-2008, 12:30 PM
you'd be cooler if you came to our chats.

I know I've been slacking! :rolleyes: I registered yesterday for the site. I'll save all of my excuses because I know no one wants to hear them, but I'll try to be cool tonight - if everyone else is gonna be there.:surfweb:

PolynesianPixie
08-28-2008, 12:53 PM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff45/polynesianPixie/mickeyserenityprayer.gif

disney4dan
08-29-2008, 05:50 AM
Really sorry to hear about the bad news, wish I could add something useful. Honestly wish you luck and better times.

jrandtysmom
08-29-2008, 07:45 AM
you'd be cooler if you came to our chats.

I was there.....you were not

VACAMPER
08-29-2008, 07:46 AM
he came later but he was drunk:lmao:

jrandtysmom
08-29-2008, 07:47 AM
he came later but he was drunk:lmao:

Darn I missed the show :happytv:

loveDmouse
08-30-2008, 05:51 PM
Sorry for all your trouble mamaloya. Keep your chin up.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

terri01p
08-30-2008, 10:18 PM
Sandra I'm late responding to your thread but I just wanted to say : I'm sicken for you, I know what it's like to devote your life to a husband and family and one day it comes crashing all around you.

I myself have never been in your place and I thank God for that, but my SIL went thru a divorce that almost made her mentally unstable. He cheated on her when she was at home caring and still loving him, he took this " women " on a cruse while they were still married and then came home to her ( SIL ) and divorced her while she was still trying to make things work for her families sake...we all begged her to get her senses about her but she couldn't, he left and took everything...the camper, the boat, the 4-wheelers the spa, two cars and a motorcycle while she sat grieving...left her with a house payment and that was it ( he refinanced the house and paid everything off and left her with the house payment)...we begged and begged for her to do what she could for the kids but she was broken and couldn't get herself to do anything. STUPID !

Lets fast forward past all the horrible and get to today...3 years later, she is a new person, self confident, almost financally straight, just starting to get out there and date and bottom line she and the children are happy.

My advice to you is please do what you can for your children, don't let anyone ever break your spirt. GET what you can for the kids!!!! Don't worry about a relationship with a man right now, when the time is right you will know it and one day the time will be right and there are truely wonderful men out there and there will be another one for you, that I promise. Don't be bitter at all men there are some that have been done just as dirty as you have, keep that in mind, there are good people in both sexes, you are just hurt right now , it will pass, allbeit slowly.

Don't do anything drastic to yourself, for you will regret it, just get yourself and your children in a loving family routine...do not, talk bad about your dh to your kids, as hard as it may be, leave him alone and do not talk bad about your childrens father...in the long run you will see why. Your children need to see you strong, come here to vent! You will make it!!!

And GodSpeed to you in a life your afraid of, but will find that it will be ok, and in the end you will have love, joy and much happiness! Thank God you have a carreer to fall on...money is so much of an issue, cling to your family and your friends and watch out for spies. ;)

Also remember life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful!

mamaloya
09-01-2008, 07:08 PM
OK guys, I was not going to get into it fully here, but things are getting worse. I am still not going to go into too many details because I can't, but I need advice.

My dh did something horrific. He got caught and is going to jail. He currently has 7-8 charges against him and some of the evidence is from me. This is why we are divorcing. He has always been an unbelievably cruel person. His emotional abuse was stifling. He hit me one time years ago and I told him that if he ever hit me again I would take out a full page ad in the time picayune with his pic and destroy his reputation so bad that he would never work in the ministry again. I also told him that no judge would ever give him visitation of his children. He told me that if he really wanted to he could kill me in one blow. He also told me that if I ever left him he would take my children and go to mexico and I would never see them again.

Well, now I have done it. He is going to jail and is having his children taken away. I have been doing OK because I had time to prepare and leave and hide and start a new life elsewhere. Unfortunately I found out last night that they were bringing him back here this week. That has been postponed due to the storm. He was removed from all duties 2 weeks ago and has been under armed guard over there since then. A no contact order (army restraining order) has been issued to keep him away, but that is just a sheet of paper. The CID agent (think NCIS only army) told me that she was trying to keep him over there away from me but they don't want him there. I am trying to get him sent to another post, but they said that since the UCMJ court marshal will be here, he has to be here. They need to give me time to get out. I have not been able to get with all the right agencies with the victim advocacy program to get the army to move me.

To top it off, 1.5 weeks ago, OCS (LA CPS) got wind of it and came by to take my kids away. My neighbor convinced the SW that my kids were not in danger and told her to talk to CID and she stopped, but says she is watching me. This is too much to deal with. I feel like I am in a soap opera or pathetic after school special.

Right now I have several high ranking officers trying to fight for me. They are requesting that I have an armed guard 24/7 upon his return.

The worst part is that I have not even told my kids yet. They know something is up because he has not called in so long. They also know that I have been having a lot of appts and phone calls. I am normally with them 24/7 and take them with me wherever I go, so they are wondering what is up.

How do I tell them that daddy did a bad thing and is going to jail? How do I tell them that they may never see him again? How do I explain to them that if they see him here they have to run home immediately and not talk to him? I can't believe that I made such a poor choice in a husband that my family is now in jeopardy. This is insane. Things like this don't really happen in real life, only in movies.

Gustav does not scary me, my dh does. (d in dh does not stand for dear) My neighbor also has a no contact order against him. The only thing I can see doing right now is passing out flyers to all of my neighbors letting them know that if they see him to call the MPs immediately. I can't leave yet. This is crazy that this storm is hitting just when I am trying to move home back to the NO area. Last time I planned on leaving him, Katrina wiped out our house. I have no choice this time as he is going to jail.

I have been trying to focus on the good part in this. The starting over part. The army is moving me wherever I want to go. The army will take care of me for 6-12 months after the conviction as well. It will give me time to get on my feet. This is what I was focussing on. Now they are bringing him back and I am scared. I am really scared. How could I have ever aligned myself with such a person? How could I have such poor judgement? How could I be so stupid? When this storm passes, I have to tell my kids something. I was waiting until I could keep myself composed before talking to them, but I have no choice. They need to be told now. I am not ready for this. I thought I had time to prepare. I need advice. I have one friend that makes me more panicky and one that is spending too much time focussing on calming me down to give me good advice. What do I do?

BRDof3
09-01-2008, 07:28 PM
Wow, that's quite a load. First, you have a lot of friends here, hang onto that support thread. Second, you need a counselor, someone that can help with the legal coordination and then work on how/what/when to tell the kids.

I don't know the Army, but is there something that is the equivalent of a civilian employer's emergency assistance program? Is there a family services agency that works with the military families? There are several former military members on this site, maybe they can help identify the agencies you need.

You need to have someone that can help coordinate all the aspects of this, and help explain them. All of the people you mentioned are involved in the prosecution of dh. Their work may indirectly or directly benefit you, but they are not working to help you with your needs. Find someone that can. And please keep letting us know that you are OK.

auntie
09-01-2008, 07:39 PM
Okay, forgive me please...but I'm not familiar with some of the terms. He has been arrested..or held by the army....and will be going to jail..yet he is out and about..or will be?
I would start with your older children..surely, if they are old enough to be married and have kids of their own, they can also be of some help to you in explaining that mom and dad will not be living together to the younger ones. I would think from what you've posted, that they are aware on some level that things haven't been going well, and I would be honest with them, given that it appears that social services is involved to some extent, and may want to remove your younger children. As far as what to tell the younger ones..I have no idea what it is that your soon to be ex husband has done..and I would limit the explanation and keep it simple. If he is a danger to the children or to you...no matter how old they are..they need to know that. Even if they don't know specifics. They can understand that they should not be out alone and they need to be with one of the older kids or you if they go outside. I think if you confide in the older kids together you can come up with a plan and preventive routines, until you are able to relocate.
I'm concerned with social services being involved..is it possible for the army to assign you an advocate of some sort to contact them, with an explanation that you and your children involved with what your husband is accused of. I also agree with the previous poster who indicated that perhaps there is a social worker of some sort that the army can provide that would be able to assist you in relocating and the other issues regarding your situation.

jrandtysmom
09-01-2008, 07:47 PM
Oh honey I wanted to cry when reading your post but that'll do neither of us any good but here is a hug. :hug: What Rob said is right, find some advocacy/counseling group within the Army or even within your community if the Army is too slow in getting the help you and your kids need. I wouldn't wait as this situation sounds dangerous and although they can give you a piece of paper - that does nothing if he decided to come around to harm you. They will also help with telling your kids and the emotional support/counseling you'll need to get through/past this. My church does some volunteering and help with our local women's shelter and I've heard some horror stories from women who were/are married to very dangerous men and there was no way they could get themselves out of the situation - they needed help from our local agencies. It meant giving up everything in some cases and leaving with just the clothes on their backs and their children. Hopefully your situation doesnt come to that but I definately would find someone to help you. It's a good thing that he is already removed from your home but don't accept them wanting you to just wait it out to see what happens - insist that someone listen and go as high as you have to go to get them to get you out BEFORE he comes back. I will be praying for you and your family. :hug:

mamaloya
09-01-2008, 07:49 PM
Rob, I am in the process of starting counseling, but this storm has delayed many things. I have been bumped from one place to the other. It seems that no one knows who handles the victims advocacy here. Monday a friend is keeping my children for the entire day and I intend to visit every acronym known to the army until someone gives me an answer in writing as to what I can expect. My pastor back home has been working with me, but his cell phone is not working right now, I assume because of the storm. I have not even been able to tell him this latest news. When I told him what my dh did he was not even surprised. I asked him why not and he said "I always knew he was hiding something." My pastor and his wife are wonderful and I am actually moving close to them rather than my family. My friend, neighbor and chaplain here are also from where my pastor is and they are there all the time. They are all going to help me, but this storm changes things. Does anyone know Baton Rouge is doing?

I am a strong person and should be fine. My main concern right now is my children and my safety.

BRDof3
09-01-2008, 07:56 PM
My main concern right now is my children and my safety.

We're praying for both.

Shannone1
09-01-2008, 07:58 PM
My dh did something horrific. He got caught and is going to jail. He currently has 7-8 charges against him and some of the evidence is from me. This is why we are divorcing. He has always been an unbelievably cruel person. His emotional abuse was stifling.

First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up about your choice of husband. I'm very sure you did not know these things about him when you got married. You were young and in love. You are a very strong woman and I have a lot of respect for you and the fact that you reconized a bad situation and are making sure your kids are taken care of. It isn't easy to leave and you already made that step !! You will never be able to go back and change the past so you have to stop blaming yourself. Keep moving forward !!

I'm glad the army is helping you and will be there for you to help you get settled into your new life.

As for what to tell the kids. Keep in simple for the younger ones. Tell them daddy did something bad and he won't be coming back home for awhile. Tell them that he still loves them, they will need to hear that. Your older ones will understand better and you may be surprised at how much they have already figured out on their own.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You know we are all here for you. You can PM me if you want to go into more detail or talk further about things. :hug: :hug: :hug:

mamaloya
09-01-2008, 07:59 PM
Phyllis, the army's justice system is a little different. He has been "arrested" the way the army does it and charges have been filed. The CID (NCIS for army) feel it is an open and shut case. THey have enough evidence to nail him. He has been held underguard while overseas to keep him out of the way over there. And, I assume, for his safety as a few people over there would like to see him dead. They are bringing him back, but he is free until trial. CID told me they were trying to keep that from happening, but his commander has the call. CID got OCS/CPS to back off and the agent in charge of the case actually came to my home when the CPS SW came by to keep the SW from breaking any laws. OCS/CPS is civilian and can do what they want. THey have received calls from ACS, MPs, CID, and a civilian investigator as well that told them to back off that my dh is not here and I am handling things fine. I have been told that OCS is like a bulldog and doesn't like to let things go. The SW is new as well, so she is like salivating over this. My children have all been interviewed by a children's advocacy center in Alexandria and the SW seems to have backed off for now, but she says she has the right to stop by anytime.

I just feel helpless. I can't do anything until this storm blows over, which may be why I have been focussing on Gustav so much, trying to take my mind off of things.

auntie
09-01-2008, 08:20 PM
I see you mentioned the kids have been interviewed...I'm curious what explanation did you give them for this? It would appear that perhaps the older kids may already know?...If not, I think you know you have to tell them quickly so as to help in preparing the younger ones. I'm no expert (by a LONG shot)...but maybe you need to consult an attorney, who could represent YOU..in regards to issues pertaining to both CPS and the future prosecution of your husband. An advocate whose primary and only interest in this situation is the welfare of you and your children. Perhaps your pastor could advise you in regards to this...or even know of someone who might be able to lend a hand.
Please know I will pray for your safety and that of your family.

AuburnJen92
09-01-2008, 08:23 PM
I am definitely with Phyllis. I know the storm is in your way, but the faster you find an advocate, the better all of us will feel. We are very worried for you and your family.

seabee
09-01-2008, 08:56 PM
Sandra,

I'm not sure who you have in your corner, but how is your relationship with your husband's command? Are you able to talk with his CO? Maybe they can get things rolling for you. When my DH was hurt and we needed to pack out quickly his command was great at cutting through the red tape. In fact they got my pack out approved and done with in 2 days. Something that I was told would take at least 3 weeks. I don't know if they can do that with the situation, but it's worth the try. Even if it isn't to send you to your permanant place, but a safe place. I don't understand why he isn't going to be in custody of the army, even if he is back at your base. It shouldn't really matter if they want him or not, he is a threat to you and your children.

Another place to try, I don't know what the Army has, but the Navy has the Navy/Marine Corp. Relief Society. You can go there for financial help, etc. in an emergency. If the army has something like that maybe you could get them to help you financially, or maybe they have contacts to help you to get to a safe place until the court martial is over, then you can do your move. At least you would be away of the area where you husband can get to you.

For you personally, sit down with your older children and explain the situation. It won't be easy, that is for sure, but it IS necessary. Tell them the precautions that are important that they take. And explain as much as you can to the younger children. They must be aware of some of what has been going on. Let them know that you are trying to protect them, that it is going to be tough for a while, but your priority is to keep them safe. Daddy is not a safe person to be around right now. They need to know that. It will probably be one of the hardest things you do but you have to be honest and straight forward with them. They may surprise you, and they are proabably more scared not knowing what is going on then if they knew the truth.

I really wish I could be more help to you. I don't know much about the way the Army works. You and your children will be in my thoughts, and I wish you safety and a quick remedy to your situation. Good luck Sandra, and stay safe.


Edit: I just read your above post-I see that his commander could be the one that lets him go. I think that Phyllis is right. You might want someone away from the military looking out for you and your children.

VACAMPER
09-01-2008, 09:03 PM
just know that we are all here for you and are praying for your family. Hang in there and be safe.:grouphug:

F4disneyfan
09-01-2008, 09:11 PM
I am actually too angry to male bash right now, but I sure will make up for lost time when I am up for it.

As for the chit chat though, I could use some useless chit chat right now. I am avoiding my neighbors right now not knowing who knows what. I am usually outside all day everyday after school hanging out with everyone while the kids play. The army is small though and gossip gets around here like wildfire. I have always avoided gossip and have never been the center of it. It is about to get like an army wives episode around here. :happytv: Yes, I watch that show. And, no, it is not very realistic, until now. And, no, I did not do it. :confused3

I know there are a few of you on here who became suddenly single after a few years of marriage. How did you adjust? I am not looking for dating tips, because I don't ever plan on dating again. I am washing my hands of men altogether. I am done!!!!!!!!! Just want to know how you handled the switch.

Also, still waiting on designs on tatoos.

Here are my 2 current Disney related tattoo's

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a79/roadracerstarky/mickeytat.jpg

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a79/roadracerstarky/newtankpics002-1.jpg

mamaloya
09-01-2008, 09:15 PM
I just told the kids that someone wanted to talk to them about how their life was. The psycholist was wonderful. She truly understands how to handle kids. She was so nonchalant about the whole thing that the kids actually thought it was fun and did not want to leave. They had really cool toys.

My dd12 knows everything, but the younger ones do not. dd20 is in Germany with a new baby and does not need to deal with this right now. ds17 is in New Orleans (well MS until the storm blows over) and only knows that I am moving back home and getting a divorce. Those 2 are not my dh's children. ds17 moved in with his dad last year as the schools here are not very good.

I am too old to be going through all this drama and starting over. I am a grandma for crying out loud. I am supposed to be settled in and homey. I know the Lord will see me through this, but I wish He would make it quick.

I actually went online just now looking at teaching jobs in FL. The pay is the same as here, but cost of living is lower here I think. Where I am moving is only 10 hours from FW, but would love to go to Tallahassee.

I think after the storm passes I will tell the littles. I will pray that the Lord will give me the right words and the strength. I will then find the victim's advocacy program here, wherever they are hiding it, on Monday. From there, they should be able to get me home and start getting settled. Maybe they can delay returning him here until I am gone. I was planning on moving in Dec. My dd12 decided to go to public school, so she started at school last week. It is going to stink to have to change schools already. I have a friend who will keep her while I get settled, so she will have maybe another month here. I was planning on going home to look for a house in Oct when she had a couple of days off. Now I will go and spend a week at my pastor's house (well outside in the driveway in my camper) while I get everything lined up. Please pray that a house, job and schools fall into place quickly. I can just take essentials to start out with. I can live on air mattresses until the army sends my stuff. I have not done anything like this on my own in close to 20 years.

The only thing I know for sure is that I need to disappear unless they can post a guard at my house 24/7.

OK, I have to get downstairs, the wind is really starting to pick up hear and is sounding rough out there.

Thanks for being my sounding board guys. It is helpful to have the opinion of people a little removed from the situation.

Gatordad
09-01-2008, 10:27 PM
Keep your chin up. Good things happen to good people....

seabee
09-01-2008, 10:33 PM
Hang in there Sandra. I can tell you from my personal experience you will be surprised how much you can handle when you have to. Please know that we are all praying for you.

terri01p
09-01-2008, 10:44 PM
Not really knowing the full story it's hard to speculate on what you should do, all I can add is, get help from your pastor that you trust. I pray that everything works out quickly for you and your children, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

lisa8200
09-02-2008, 05:21 AM
Try to remain strong. I don't think I need to point out how serious this sounds, you seem very aware of this already. Sorry I don't have any advice on how to handle this. I know what I would expect Lisa to do in that situation but, views on protection( and laws per state) vary. our prayers for this to to end swiftly and without further incident are with you.

PolynesianPixie
09-02-2008, 07:27 AM
sandra....I don't have a clue what to say. My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for you and your children. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you! Truly! We will always be here to listen.

RvUsa
09-02-2008, 07:43 AM
Ok, let me preface this with saying, I am a guy, so I may be way off on this. But is there a chance you could get the local/national media involved in this? If it was out there:

1: It would put pressure on his CO/commander (I am not sure of the term sorry), if everyone knew what was happening, he would be less likely to just let him go on his own. It is amazing how different people act when under the "eye" of the press

2: It may give you some more support. A person or agency that might not know about it now, may find out and be able to help.

3: It may also put the pressure on the social worker to do what is right, and help you not try to hurt you.

4: Like I said, I don't know the specifics, but there would also be the revenge factor of letting the press know, they could tell your side of the story and embarrass the heck out of him.

Like I said, I am a guy, so I could be way off on this, but in my defense I am a guy LOL.
Just know, that even tho I am a guy, I am praying for you and your kids to be safe, and I hope that your life gets back to normal as soon as possible.

:hug::hug:

ntsammy5
09-02-2008, 08:01 AM
Sandra, I'm speechless.

My prayers are with you.

What level command are you talking about? Company, BN, BDE? My suggestion is that if his commander won't help move up the chain until you get someone who will.

Good luck and keep us posted.

mamaloya
09-02-2008, 12:42 PM
Well, he was a battalion level chaplain, so all involved are over that level. I have someone with much pull (I don't want to post who out of respect for him) who is watching and waiting. He does not want to jump in until after I have tried thru the normal channels. He is poised and ready to pull many strings for me, he just wants to save it that way we don't waste it. Does that make sense? It is kind of like saving the big guns.

My first thought on the press was "he will get in trouble". I am slow. I can't bring the press in because of what is at the core of this issue. We have to keep this private.

I will be calling the CID agent in charge of this case tomorrow. She is turning out to be my biggest advocate. She stood up to OCS for me and she has given me her cell number to have if I need anything. She is the one pushing to keep him over there and not bringing him back until the trial. I may call her today as it looks like the storm was nothing here. I think everything is still closed today though. School is out today and tomorrow, not sure about post operations.

I am glad that Gustav came as it delayed his return because no one told me he was coming back this week. I was told that I would be given notice before he was brought back. I am little angry about the lack of information. I also found out that a friend knew and did not tell me because she knew that I would flip out. HELLO!!!! I have reason. I NEED to know these things.

You guys are really wonderful. I must repeat that it is great to get these things off my chest. Thanks for being a sounding board.

BigDaddyRog
09-02-2008, 01:08 PM
May God have your back covered, and Im sure he will...Im fairly certain he gets REALLY pissed when someone uses his name as bait, and carries his book as a disguise...he's not a big fan of those who prey on others seeking devine guidance.

ntsammy5
09-02-2008, 01:09 PM
I've only dealt closely with CID once - I found them to be pretty competent.

People ar always surprised about UCMJ - it sometimes doesn't make sense, but it's not civilian justice - ---

My wife works with CPS in NY and I can imagine whet you're going through with them - I hope the military decides to keep him confined for your sake.


BTW - UCMJ = Uniform Code of Military Justice

mamaloya
09-02-2008, 01:32 PM
Yeah Al, I do the right thing and they go after me. It is crazy. I am glad that I have the CID on my side. They really got them to back off. I guess when the SW got phone calls from a Colonel, a Special Agent, a chaplain, a SgtMajor MP, and a civilian Lt policeman, she decided I had it covered. I still don't understand why she had to check to see if my house was clean and if I had food in the house???? :confused3 What does that have to do with anything? They also wanted to see my homeschool curriculum which is actually not allowable. If my child's school is in question, it has to go through the truancy office, not OCS/CPS. She actually wanted to tell my kids what was going on. I told her flat our "are you nuts". She said "they have to find out sometime" I told her that it was up to me what to tell them and when. I am their mother and am the best one to decide how much info they can handle, understand and process. WHEN they are ready, they will find out from ME, not a stranger.

Right now, the only thing I intend to tell them is that daddy broke the law and is going to jail. If and when he is a threat I will let them know that he wants to take them away and never let me see them again and they are to stay away from him if they see him. It is going to break their heart, but it is better than losing them. My kids are my life.

I am just trying to decide whether or not to tell them all together or at the same time. I don't want one's anxieties feeding another one's, but I also want them to feel that we are a family and together in this. When I had a mid term miscarriage, I told them all together. They were upset and the littlest one said "I know, but when is the baby coming home." My ds who was 6 at the time actually explained it to her better than I could have.

I did ask them if the next time we went to disney if they would mind if daddy did not come and they said "that's fine". They told me that it was more fun w/o him. They love him, but never really enjoyed him being around.

I am also not sure whether to tell his family or not. From things they have said, I suspect they know exactly what he is like. I am just not sure who's side they will take.

I guess I need to take it one step at a time. I will buy some boxes and start packing up his belongings and getting them out of the way for when the movers come for my stuff. Also need to get rid of a lot of junk.

Us3
09-02-2008, 01:43 PM
Hi Sandra...I just wanted you to know I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers.:hug:

Eeyore'sthebest
09-02-2008, 01:52 PM
Sandra - I just found this thread. I have no advice to give but wanted to let you know that you and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

Gatordad
09-02-2008, 02:23 PM
my only dealings with army men are the poll that I posted where my favorite guy was the one on the phone and Al and Jim, so I can't help you there.

Keep being strong.

clkelley
09-02-2008, 02:23 PM
you almost got it right there pete, chris is geeky, (not just a little either) but he is a cajun raised in birmingham, al

.

OMG, more family connections!! What part of B'ham?? My uncle is French Cajun and my cousins grew up in Vestavia Hills. He didn't go to Vestavia High School, did he??

ftwildernessguy
09-02-2008, 03:18 PM
I have been involved in a few courts martial, and I can tell you that the military justice system is swift and the punishment generally severe. In the cases I was involved in, the fate of the officers were determined by a panel of 3 superior officers, in our case all three of us were full colonels trying majors and below for various infractions. Personally, I would not like to be on the receiving end of one of these trials. It's not warm and fuzzy or anything like you see on TV.

ntsammy5
09-02-2008, 07:35 PM
Jim, you must have been active for a long time - I was only involved in one court martial - nothing trivial ever goes to a court, but this was close. They're 10 times worse for an officer though.

loveDmouse
09-02-2008, 08:22 PM
I dont' know what to say other then our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care.

AuburnJen92
09-02-2008, 08:27 PM
OMG, more family connections!! What part of B'ham?? My uncle is French Cajun and my cousins grew up in Vestavia Hills. He didn't go to Vestavia High School, did he??

Sandra, stay strong...we are with ya sister!

Carol, he went to Hewitt-Trussville. Born in New Orleans.

mamaloya
09-02-2008, 08:40 PM
I have been involved in a few courts martial, and I can tell you that the military justice system is swift and the punishment generally severe. In the cases I was involved in, the fate of the officers were determined by a panel of 3 superior officers, in our case all three of us were full colonels trying majors and below for various infractions. Personally, I would not like to be on the receiving end of one of these trials. It's not warm and fuzzy or anything like you see on TV.

I don't know anything about military justice. All I know is that I was told that this would be handled by the military and he would face a court martial and that he is going to Leavenworth. I was told that they don't mess around, especially with this.

What should I expect? Do I have to be there or will they just look at transcripts and statements? Will I have to testify? If so, how does that work? I have to say that CID has been amazingly discreet and caring. When they come to the house, they are in unmarked cars and civies. They don't even display their badge until inside. The MPs have all been wonderful as well. When I was at the station, they had me use the back door and made sure no one was in the halls as I walked through. I have to say that the day I went in I felt like I was walking to death row. I was terrified. A chaplain friend went with me and they allowed him to stay the whole time even though they don't allow a 3rd person in the interview room. They made it as painless as possible.

It looks like the post should be operating normally tomorrow, so I will try to see what I can accomplish tomorrow. I will let you guys know what I find out. #1 priority is get the heck out of dodge.

ftwildernessguy
09-03-2008, 07:20 AM
In the trials I was involved in, the only people present were the panel of officers I mentioned, the attornies for the government and the officer (both JAG officers) and the accused. We received testimony by tape, telephone, and in written affidavits. Generally speaking, at least what I saw, the government had their case pretty well set by the trial, and it was almost a formality. The defense was there mainly to convince us to go easy on the accused. The UCMJ pretty much sets the punishment, so the only real option is to find the defendant guilty of a lesser charge or only guilty of some of the charges. After that, the panel decides from the list of punishments what is most appropriate. Like I said earlier, Leavenworth is no party, especially for an officer. One of the few places in America where, if you are sentenced to hard labor, you get hard labor.

ntsammy5
09-03-2008, 07:35 AM
Leavenworth is no party, especially for an officer. One of the few places in America where, if you are sentenced to hard labor, you get hard labor.

I spent a lot of time at Leavenworth and went by the stockade many, many times - it dates back to the 1800s and the walls are several feet thick and it is not a pretty place. Guard shacks all over the place - I understand it has or will move to more modern facilities, but no fun none-the-less.

There was a bakery on post that some prisoners worked at and we used to get donuts there - someone asked a guard once if we could trust the purity of the product and he assured us that if anyone did anything bad to the baked goods they would regret it very, very much. We believed him.

The only involvement I ever had with a CM was as a witness. Sterile is the best description I could give.

DisneyBishops
09-04-2008, 07:02 AM
Good gosh, what the heck did this guy do? If he is so dangerous they should never allow him near you or your family. Did I read correctly, he is a chaplin, well if he was i hope he is punished severely here and again after he leaves this life. The first time he hit you, you should have shot the sob. I know you didn't want to hear that, but that is the way I feel about hitting and abusing women. Men that do that are not men, but little boys. I have 2 daughters and if a man ever hits them I will take care of him in my own way. Just watch out for the military, They do take care of their own.

Oh and this is from a man's perspective, so take it as such.

Sandra, when you get the chance run and never look back.

stacktester
09-04-2008, 07:27 AM
Good gosh, what the heck did this guy do? If he is so dangerous they should never allow him near you or your family. Did I read correctly, he is a chaplin, well if he was i hope he is punished severely here and again after he leaves this life. The first time he hit you, you should have shot the sob. I know you didn't want to hear that, but that is the way I feel about hitting and abusing women. Men that do that are not men, but little boys. I have 2 daughters and if a man ever hits them I will take care of him in my own way. Just watch out for the military, They do take care of their own.

Oh and this is from a man's perspective, so take it as such.

Sandra, when you get the chance run and never look back.

Same exact words I wanted to say. I have a friend with a crematorium. It can be used lol.

ftwildernessguy
09-04-2008, 07:30 AM
Just watch out for the military, They do take care of their own..

Not sure of what your experience with the military has been, but in my 27 years as an Army officer, I never found this to be true.

DisneyBishops
09-04-2008, 07:48 AM
Wow not near as much as you Jim. I didn't mean that in a bad way, It can be good and bad. As you well know the Army is like a big family and they do take care of their own. It usually depends on the commanders. They mostly get it right but sometimes they don't. When military justice gets it right the UCMJ spells out the correct punishment and the military carries it out better than the civilian court system.

Oh and Thank you for you years of service to our country. I was 11c in Combat support co. 1 batt. 5th inf. 25th inf div. Did you make gen rank?

auntie
09-04-2008, 08:02 AM
I have a friend with a crematorium. It can be used lol.


Really?.....good thing I don't..I'm sure I'd be stretching the limits of the friendship. I always worry about where to bury the bodies. It's the one thing that stops me....:rolleyes1

___________

Sandra...keeping you in my thoughts :hug: ...keep us posted as to what's going on. I find it incredible that there is even the thought of his being free and able to approach you or the kids.


_______________

BigDaddyRog
09-04-2008, 08:04 AM
I have NO MILITARY experience whatsoever...but the only hope I have in this country hangs on the fact that the military may be the last source of fair justice in America. If OJ was in the military....Im pretty certain he'd be behind bars instead of writing books and profiting, not only from his crime...but the fact that he got away with his crime.
I hope the military does take care of their own.....when their own deserve to be taken care of. But "their own" is an IFy term....arent we ALL the military's own? Wouldnt the military see a criminal whose ridden on the shirtails of the army or any other branch the same way the captain of a ship would see a stowaway?
They hopefully do take care of their own....but sometimes a soldier's family does as much as the soldier....so the family would be taken care of as well. When a citizen need protection...shouldnt our armed forces be honored to serve and protect?

ftwildernessguy
09-04-2008, 08:26 AM
. Did you make gen rank?

Nope - I was too lazy to go to the War College. I retired in '06 as a bird.

vick
09-04-2008, 08:26 AM
Sandra, I'm not sure what exactly he did, but it must have been bad. You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything works out for you. Stay safe and keep us posted.

ntsammy5
09-04-2008, 08:54 AM
but in my 27 years as an Army officer

Just out of curiosity how much was what?

I was 36 years officer/enlisted -

22 years NG (About 2 of that activated)
8 years active
6 years break (ING) (resigned my commission when I came back from VN - long story)

In some ways the army does take care of it's own, but not in criminal cases and definitely not when dependants are involved.

By taking care of it's own it usually means more critical judgment not more lenient. Just my experience. If I had to choose, I'd choose a military court every time - at least it would be fair and just and not capricious.

DisneyBishops
09-04-2008, 09:22 AM
Well put Sammy, who where you with in VN.

ntsammy5
09-04-2008, 09:48 AM
MACV Team MASSTER (correct spelling). I was mostly NW of Saigon near Tay Ninh on the Cambodian border (and sometimes over the border :lmao: ) We were officially headquartered at Tan Sanut.

I was never really with a large unit at all - they had to assign us for admin stuff and support. We were doing some interesting things with REMBAS. Another long story.


GOOD GRIEF - I just realized this was almost 40 years ago!

ftwildernessguy
09-04-2008, 10:54 AM
I did 5 1/2 years active

21 1/2 years reserve split up over 3 separate times with the active duty time in between.

I had about a year in the IRR after my first active duty stint because nobody knew what to do with me, so I used that time to find my own job with the Army. I didn't count that in my reserve time, but I guess it counted for something.

DisneyBishops
09-04-2008, 11:47 AM
Hey Jim it is none of my business, but I was wondering. Do they give you much of a pension as a reserve?

I know for a fact a full bird with 26 yrs gets around 6k per month pension. I know a retired 2 star with 38 yrs service. Heck he gets 12k per month pension. Only problem is he is too old to enjoy it. LOL But he is a great guy with some really great stories. The guy was in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam. He certainly earned his pension.

Just Beachy
09-04-2008, 12:04 PM
Sandra,
I'm praying for you and your children. I know it's really not in your control, but please stay safe. We are all here for you. Please let us know if there is any way we can help you. This is one awesome group of really caring individuals. (Hey, some of us have guns, others know people who own crematoriums. ;) :laughing: ) :grouphug:

ftwildernessguy
09-04-2008, 12:32 PM
Hey Jim it is none of my business, but I was wondering. Do they give you much of a pension as a reserve?

I know for a fact a full bird with 26 yrs gets around 6k per month pension. I know a retired 2 star with 38 yrs service. Heck he gets 12k per month pension. Only problem is he is too old to enjoy it. LOL But he is a great guy with some really great stories. The guy was in WWII, Korea, and Vietnam. He certainly earned his pension.

Reserve pensions work differently than active duty - we are on a point system, so you earn points for every day you are on duty. So the pension is much less, but still will be more than I made while i was on drill status. There are also medical benefits, which are nice. Unfortuneately, you don't collect any reserve pension until you reach age 60, and since I am only 51, I have to live another 9 years before I see any benefits.

ntsammy5
09-04-2008, 07:56 PM
I'm collecting mine, but I'm much older and cuter than Jim. By my calculations, my retirement pay should be around $100,000 a month, but the Army disagrees.

ftwildernessguy
09-05-2008, 09:41 AM
I'm collecting mine, but I'm much older and cuter than Jim. By my calculations, my retirement pay should be around $100,000 a month, but the Army disagrees.

I wouldn't be too proud about being cuter than me - it doesn't take much.

clkelley
09-05-2008, 02:43 PM
Sandra, I'm speechless.

My prayers are with you.

What level command are you talking about? Company, BN, BDE? My suggestion is that if his commander won't help move up the chain until you get someone who will.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm sure you know this, and someone else may have already said this, but dependents don't have to use the chain of command. (They like you to, but you don't have to).

HappyCamper87
09-05-2008, 05:31 PM
Don't really have any advice, because I did not have the military to deal with. I was just married to a very clever little man who would emotionally and verbally abuse me non-stop until we were in public my mother thought I was making things up at first.

But, as a single woman, especially a mom, you will get through. We are a strong group.

The way it worked for me was auto pilot until I got a job, a safe place to live and distance I just went non-stop, don't know how I did it now, but you just do. So definitely do not make any more important decision than where you will live, because that's hard enough.

Then when all the basics are put in place you go in your room play some 80's pop music as loud as you dare and cry and beat the pillow.

I feel so bad for you, and my thoughts are with you. The more positive things you can say to yourself about yourself the better off you will be. You have to be your biggest fan right now.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

BIG HUG! :grouphug: