Anyone there when someone passed away?

[amsafko]

Myself and my brothers, sisters and mother were all there when my father passed away earlier this month. He'd had a stroke in Feb. and in the early stages we thought he might recover some abilities but medical issues complicated things after about 2 months post stroke. Although it was so wonderful that all of us were able to be with him (we are a family with 8 children, all adults) I am haunted by the memories of actually watching him take his last breaths. I replay it in my mind a lot, does this get better? The memories pop up at the strangest times. Sometimes it feels so surreal, like I can't believe he is gone, I can't believe everything has changed. Are these normal emotions? Thanks for any help...

[mommasita]

Firstly, I want to convey my deepest sympathy to you on your loss.

I was 16 and present when my grandmother took her last breath. I still have that vision in my mind time and again. It will never be something I forget, but as time has passed (21 yrs), I view it in a different light..

I am now very glad I was there, and saw her take her last breath. In my eyes, I saw her go to a better place. A place of peace, and pain free.

All the emotions you do feel are normal, and I think healthy to have. In time, you will find peace with this..

I will be thinking of you and keeping your family in my prayers :hug:

[CarolAnnC]

Myself and my brothers, sisters and mother were all there when my father passed away earlier this month. He'd had a stroke in Feb. and in the early stages we thought he might recover some abilities but medical issues complicated things after about 2 months post stroke. Although it was so wonderful that all of us were able to be with him (we are a family with 8 children, all adults) I am haunted by the memories of actually watching him take his last breaths. I replay it in my mind a lot, does this get better? The memories pop up at the strangest times. Sometimes it feels so surreal, like I can't believe he is gone, I can't believe everything has changed. Are these normal emotions? Thanks for any help...

My sympathies to you on your loss. It is never easy. My first experience with death was the loss of my grandmother when I was 20 years old. She had been hospitalized several months and was 83 years old, but it was still shocking to see her pass. It did ease with time, and I came to a resolution.

Many years later, the sudden passing of my husband was another story. He was young, healthy and it was totally unexpected. I was present with him, and could not believe what was happening. This was 7 years ago and to this day I sometimes cannot believe it. I do not think I will ever resolve this one..though life goes on.

[minkydog]

I was with my father when he died. Fortunately, it was quite peaceful. There was an open window through which we could see the sunset. It was unnerving listening to his breathing slow down and coarsen. Thankfully my sister and dad's longtime GF were also there, so we tried to spell each other off now & then. It was a weird feeling when he passed because Dad immediately looked & felt different. My sister & I cleaned him up and removed his equipment, then gathered his things and left him there. It was very weird.

It has been almost 3 years now and I, too, have had some flashbacks in strange times and places. sometimes a sound or a smell will bring it all back, or the setting sun will bring on a memory. Not in a bad way, just kind a longing feeling. It was hard to sit by and watch my father die. I did everything I could to help him be comfortable, but there comes a time when there is nothing more to be done and you just have to sit by and let it happen.

[delilah]

I have been present many times at the moment a person passed away. I was usually the doctor running the code or doing chest compressions. As far as my own family goes, my mom passed away in her sleep while I was sleeping next to her. It was not unexpected--she had lung cancer with brain mets. Hers was one of the more peaceful deaths I've witnessed.

[amsafko]

Thanks so much for your compassion and understanding. I realize it takes time it's just so hard dealing with this. Today would have been my parents 58th anniversary so I know my mom will be struggling. I like the perspective of seeing it as I watched him go to a much better place, free of pain rather than I watched him die. It does soften it a bit. Thanks again for listening at a time when I just needed to get my feelings out.

[DISNEYLOVER70]

Nov 4, 2006, seems like yesterday my father passed away. I am the youngest of 9, 8 alive all adults ( one brother passed away at age 39 from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma). All 8 of us plus my mother were there. It will always hurt when you think of that moment, the loss is almost unbearable. I was his baby. Which he called my until the day he died. But life does go on and somehow you find away to cope.

I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I pray that happier days will soon come.

[safetymom]

I am so sorry for your loss. I was with my mother when she died. They showed us into a private room and told us what we would be seeing on the monitor. They asked if we wanted something to eat or drink.

Right before my mothers heart stopped beating there was a large noise like something heavy was getting off the bed. Right after that she died. My mother hadn't moved so it wasn't her.

They wouldn't let me in the room when my late husband died. I only got to see him after he passed.

Remember to take care of yourself. It will be tough dealing with the memories.

[Mackey Mouse]

I am so sorry to read of your Dad's passing.. it does get easier and you will eventually put that day aside and remember all the wonderful days.

I was outside in the waiting room when my Dad died, those were the days when you were not allowed in. He had the heart monitor on him and I could hear it and I knew when he was gone by the alarm. My poor Mom was not with him either as they were working him.. So sad, he was 52.

I was with my Mom when she passed holding her hand, although I know that she died on the table when they were doing open heart surgery on her.. The machines kept her going and her heart was strong after they repaired it, but she had a debilitating stroke during surgery. When her heart stopped finally, I asked the nurses to take all that equipment away.....the breathing tubes etc.. I thought it would be comforting to see her without all the machines....it was not. I am glad I was there saying all the right things, but it has taken me years to get that day out of my mind... Now I only remember the fun days, give yourself some time, it will happen for you.. You were there for him as you should have been.

[lemondog]

I was with my grandmother, holding her hand, when she passed back in 2001. The memory of those last breaths is still very vivid. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I also feel VERY blessed that I was able to be with her.

I know the image will haunt you forever, but try to look on it as a GOOD thing. You got to be with your father as he passed. That is such a rare and beautiful thing. Too many people are never able to say goodbye, to be with their loved ones during that transition. I know it's so hard to replay in your head, but your dad KNEW you were there, and hopefully that will give you some comfort.

[Rustysmom]

I'm sorry about your father.

I was there when my Mom passed away and saw her take her last breath, but I didn't even realize it was her last breath. My mom died 2 months ago of pancreatic cancer. My son and I were sitting in our living room with her waiting for the nurse to leave in 5 minutes. The nurse got up to use the bathroom and Michael and I were just watching Mom and I realized that she wasn't breathing. The only reason I even realized was because I saw the side of her face start to twitch and I thought that can't be a good thing. Then the nurse came down the stairs and noticed the same thing too. I think Mom waited for the nurse to leave the room so she could be alone with me and Michael to pass away, but she also didn't want us to be alone, so she went before the nurse left for the day.

I will never forget that morning. I keep seeing it over and over. It was horrible because she suffered so much the day and night before. I'm also mad at my DH because he had just left for work. He knew she wasn't doing well and should have stayed home. Thank God my cousin came the night before and was downstairs. I called him to come up as soon as we realized what happened.

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs Mary.. I think of you and yours all the time.. I hope that you know you did the right thing with your Mom and you did great.. More hugs coming from one Italian to another. :)

[Rustysmom]

Thanks Marsha. And hugs to you and your family too.

[julm26]

I was there when my beloved mother passed away on Feb. 18, 2008 from Pancreatic Cancer. My aunt (mom's sister), uncle and 3 cousins were there also. She had been unresponsive for about 2 days, fortunately, she just quietly slipped away from us.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is so difficult to lose a parent, I have bad days, very bad days, and some alright days. Just be kind to yourself and let others support you.

I am very glad I was with my mom when she died, I feel she didn't want to be alone.... God Bless....

[zalansky]

I was with my mom when she passed in July 1998 and with my father when he passed in February 2007. Both had cancer and were under the care of in home hospice so that made it easier I think. My dad and sisters were there when Mom passed and my sister and BIL were there when Dad passed. I do think its something that you never forget and its not easy. But over time, I have seen it as such a priviledge (sp?) that I was with them and wouldn't have it any other way. It has definitely given me more peace knowing I was there when they left this world. Over time, I am sure you will too. God bless.

[kimis]

I was dozing in a recliner chair with my mom sleeping in a hospice bed in my living room when she passed. I woke just after she passed and the look on her was face was so peaceful and beautiful. I quickly called my siblings to come. It was the most awesome expierence if that can be when you lose someone you love so very much. It has been 18 months and my heart is still broken. I know she is in Heaven and in no pain. I know I will see her again someday but in the mean time I have memories. YOu will always think of him at different times. Different scenes or smells will bring him to your mind. Soon it will be the good memories more than the sad memories. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Torontogal]

I lost my wonderful father in Jan. - 4 months ago to Pancreatic Cancer. It spread to his lungs and finally his liver/kidneys. He had a private room and went into a diabetic coma. I was with him all night as his breathing became slower and slower.
I truly feel blessed to have been with my father but I feel haunted by the memory. I miss him deeply and not a day goes by when I don't shed tears.
When the nurse told me he passed - I was relieved that he was no longer suffering but I was very numb. It finally hit me that I would never see him again. It is very difficult for me and I feel like a part of me is gone and I am changed as a person.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost loved ones. Hugs to you all.

[zalansky]

I feel like a part of me is gone and I am changed as a person.



I have said the same thing to friends going through the same thing. I feel as if my life was changed forever after each of my parents passed. But I feel it has made me appreciate living so much more.

[frdeb1999]

So very sorry for your loss. All of us kids were with my mom when she passed. And it was both the hardest thing and best experience I have ever experienced. It was hard watching it happen....but she was so at peace just knowing we were all there by her side. The very worst though was seeing my newborn daughter slowly dwindle away shortly after birth. It was a very hard time, but both my husband and I are so happy we were there with her and able to hold her. We'll never forget any of the losses. But it does get easier..:hug:

[LeahA]

My mom passed away 3/28/08 and I was there. I still think about it occasionally, but, I will always be greatful that I was there when it happened. I knew that she wasn't going to get any better and I knew she was in pain, so we were hoping she would let go. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, and the the loss has changed me forever.

Over time everything will be a little easier to swallow, so hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[CarolynU]

The day my husband died was 2 years ago this August. It was the most bizarre day ever. Instead of the usual peace of the hospice they were holding their Summer fete, so the grounds were full of people, noise, smells of a cook out, and Elvis Presley being played over a loud speaker.
I am certain that DH did not want my daughter Becky present when he actually died, because she told him that she was going outside to fetch him a chocolate cake (even though he was not awake or had eaten anything for days) and he chose that exact time to pass away. I was with her, and they sent a message for us to return quickly which we did, and maybe made it with seconds to spare or maybe didn't I'm not sure to be honest.
Anyway at least his pain and suffering was over, and at the end he had no quality of life left. The cancer had taken it all.
Becky still regrets leaving her dad, but I'm convinced it's what he wanted. I'm not so much haunted by how Roger left us as things I never said to him, and will never now get the chance. That eats me up.

[Torontogal]

I would love to know if any of you noticed a "detachment" from people from your loved ones. My father was very detached during the last weeks. For example, he appeared very withdrawn and would tell family to go home. He would also want all of the get well cards and gifts removed from his room.
I often wondered if this was a sign of dying and he was preparing for his after life.

[IMALOVNDISNEY]

My prayers are with everyone who has lost a loved one.....And extra prayers to those that struggle with their loss.

I was with both my parents as they passed.
With my Mother She had been in the hospital this last time for 8 1/2 months and on a vent. I was the only one of 5 children to be there.I truely believe this is what she wanted was for it to be only her and I. I am the youngest and we were inseperable. My Mother was a single parent and had sacraficed EVERYTHING for us. So, my last gift to her was to stay by her side as she passed. I never left her side for 4 days. Sadly my siblings didn't see it the same way. Now, 15 years later some of them say they feel guilty about not being there. I have never been haunted by her passing. I see it as being Blessed and it being an Honor to be able to hand her over to God and a new and better begining. The peacefullness that passed over my Mom's entire body at the time she passed was incredable.
My Father's passing was somewhat unexpected at the time it happened. He was up and talking to me just hours before. He closed his eyes to take a nap and slipped away quickly.

My Brother passed away 6 years ago. He was waiting for a liver transplant. The nurses told me to go home and get some proper sleep. I had been sleeping there for 3 days. We lived 3 1/2 hours away. I went home and within 3 hours of me being home I had gotten a call that he had taken a turn for the worse. (not expected). I attempted to get back to the hospital. I was not there when he passed away. No one was. He passed away alone. And that is something that bothers me everyday.

[zalansky]

I would love to know if any of you noticed a "detachment" from people from your loved ones. My father was very detached during the last weeks. For example, he appeared very withdrawn and would tell family to go home. He would also want all of the get well cards and gifts removed from his room.
I often wondered if this was a sign of dying and he was preparing for his after life.


Hospice told us many times that detachment is a sign of dying.

[hart6066]

I always visit this board to plan, never thought I'd come here to grieve. We'll bury my dad on Saturday. He passed away 3 weeks ago, and my mom let go of the traditional wake to give us all some time to grieve in private and prepare for a life celebration. I was there through it with my mom--my dad died of esphogial cancer cancer but it was the cancer in the lungs in the end that caused the end. I never knew death could be so hard--so sad, so non peaceful. We are spiritual and religious (Catholic) but I had thought a hospice death would be peaceful. Never thought my dad would be the Irish boxer with hands of steel up until the last hours. It haunts me a little, yet I don't want to bother my mom--keep telling her he didn't know what he was doing--we were the only two there. He called out for friends who had gone before--it was an amazing and humbling experience. I miss him so and wish he had suffered less. Somehow it helps tp know that we are not alone..funny how that gives you strength when you need it the most.

[justjudy]

My husband and I were there while my mother was taking her last breaths, but we didn't realize it at the time. She was ninety years old, suffering from dementia and in a nursing home recovering from surgery for a broken hip. I didn't want to consent to the surgery, but did it because of the immense amount of pain she was in. About ten days after the surgery we made our daily visit to her and noticed that, while she was looking in our direction, she seemed to be looking through us (beyond us?) at something else. We made our visit short, told her we loved her, she told us she loved us and we left. We had no sooner arrived home (a 5-minute drive) than we got a call from the nursing home telling us that she had passed.

[Eventer98]

Me, my dad, sister and my uncle were with my mom when she died. She was at home and Hospice had thought she would pass away that night. I remember hearing her crying and it woke me up. I went right in and she kept telling my dad she was scared to go and didn't want to leave him. My sister, uncle and I just sat at the end of the bed crying while my dad told her it was ok, God was waiting and they would see eachother again soon. He reminded her that time in heaven is instant and we would all be together before she knew it. I kept praying to God in my head to take her..I couldn't handle her crying and the surrealism of what was going on. It felt like someone else's bad dream...how could it be mine?? Finally she passed on. I immediately had to comfort my sister, who is 7 years younger and only 21 at the time. I never had time to grieve. My best friend was in the other room and took us down to the basement when the morgue came...I didn't want to see her being wheeled out.

Do I regret being there? Absolutely not. Was it hard? Yes. Do I still relive it sometimes? Yes. I think I will come to appreciate being there as more time passes. It will get better for you as it did for me..it just takes time. :hug:

[ssisson]

We lost my father April 12th, 2008. He and my mother had been on a cruise and we had to medivac him from Cozumel to the states. The hospital they took him to was in Miami. My mom was able to fly with him and all three siblings flew in from Missouri and met her at the hospital. My father was intubated on the cruise ship so we were not able to talk to him. He was only 59 and had pneumonia. I am a nurse and have assisted many families in having a peaceful passing. It is never the same when it is your own. After two weeks we made the painful choice to withdraw life support. We were around him and my mom layed across his chest when they took the vent off. We told him we would hold his hand until he took God's hand and this was going to be the most glorius embarkation he had ever been on. He was gone in 3 minutes. I had a thought at the time that it reminded me of when everyone was around coaching during one of the births of my children. It is indeed a blessing to be surrounded by the ones that love you as you enter your eternal life. I have subscribed to a grief support group called griefshare- they send out daily emails and is amazing how it applies to my life almost everyday.

[kymom99]

My dad died on Mother's Day this year at the age of 79. Five days later he and Mom would have celebrated their 55th Anniversary. He had congestive heart failure cause by a leaky mitral valve. Ironically, in 2007, he had both knees replaced and recovered very well from the 2 surgeries. In Feb. he was outside cleaning snow and ice off the driveway.
At first the doctors gave us hope that they could send him to another hospital where they might do a robotic valve repair. However, before they could transfer him, he took a turn for the worse, ending up in ICU on a ventilator, a dialysis machine, and more IV's than I could ever count. It was a nightmare. The doctors were all very shocked by how quickly he deteriorated.
We were all there when he died. Yes, it was peaceful, but we still talk about the uncertainty of whether or not we did things in the best way. Dad was unconscious for a few days while in ICU, which was a blessing because he would have been so uncomfortable. Then he had about a day and a half of clarity before his death, but he was unable to talk because of the vent tube. We were glad he knew we were there, but how do you tell someone that there is no hope?
When we were counselled by the doctors that he would not recover, we had to give permission to remove life supports. We did not remove the vent tube because we were afraid he would struggle to breathe and would panic. Now, we wonder if he would have been able to talk to us if we had done things differently.
It is impossible to describe what it is like to watch someone die. I felt a sense of relief because he went peacefully, and I got to tell him I love him, but it is so final.
It was comforting to see hundreds of people come to the funeral. My dad was a wonderful man and many people knew it.

May you all find comfort at these times of loss that you have shared.