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TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 01:44 PM
Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing :rotfl2: ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose! :lmao:

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. :laughing: And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.:)

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 01:56 PM
bumping :)

kristilew
03-18-2008, 01:56 PM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

DawnM
03-18-2008, 01:57 PM
I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

mnasmom3
03-18-2008, 01:58 PM
I don't have the wisdom you're looking for. I know it's hard not to stress and to try to be prapared. Rest assured you will have just as much love to offer a sibling. And you'll learn to manage your time if you need to. As a christian, I believe this is really out of our hands. If your family is meant to grow, it will. And you will be provided for as well. :)

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 01:59 PM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

Good advice, thank you. I guess by reading your words, it helps me to realize I am really not done.

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 02:01 PM
I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

Thanks for replying! I actually said to DH the other day, I think I'd regret it if we didn't try. I'm just such a worrywort when it comes to finances. I know a lot of people, especially on these boards, find a way to make their budget work. I just feel like we make so little already! :headache:

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 02:02 PM
I don't have the wisdom you're looking for. I know it's hard not to stress and to try to be prapared. Rest assured you will have just as much love to offer a sibling. And you'll learn to manage your time if you need to. As a christian, I believe this is really out of our hands. If your family is meant to grow, it will. And you will be provided for as well. :)

Thank you! Without even realizing it, you have offerend some wisdom. I have debated as we refer to it in my family "giving it up to God."

sarahlovesmickey
03-18-2008, 02:05 PM
Awww, congrats on making the "big decision". I just found out that I am preg with our 4th (and last child!!). I don't think it is unfair that you ask DH to work nights, especially since health insurance is so vital. I wish you the best!!

annakris1973
03-18-2008, 02:11 PM
If we all waited until we could "afford" another child, the human race would be dwindling to extinction. Look at our parents and grandparents- they made a fraction of what we do nowdays, and yet they survived and most of them were (gasp) happy without the majority of expenses we deem neccessary today. However, that being said...I do believe that timing can be important. You don't want your children to be so far apart in age that they aren't close. Though there are many siblings who are many years apart that get along fine (DH and DBiL are 10 years apart).

As far as the pregnancy is concerned...every one is different. Just because you had a rough pregnancy before doesn't mean that they all will be. This is a risk all of us take when having children.

One more thing to ponder...who will love and support your DS unconditionally after your DH and you have passed away? Or what if you or DH need care when you are old? Siblings are there to do that. Ok, Ok...I know lots of people don't have that kind of relationship with their brothers and sisters...but I believe that the majority of us do. I just like the idea that no matter what happens to me & DH, my kids will have each other to lean on.

It took me and my sister a long time to actually LIKE each other...now, I don't know what I would ever do without her. :hug:

DisKim
03-18-2008, 02:12 PM
I can really identify with you. I debated for years over whether to have my third. I finally decided to think about how I would feel when I'm old. I realized that I might regret not having the child, but I would never have regrets if I did. As other posters said, you should really think about whether you feel done or not. That will tell you if you will have regrets.

It's A Small World
03-18-2008, 02:18 PM
I was once in your shoes...

I became pg with #2 when DD #1 turned a year. DD#2 was not being prevented but, hubby was recently laid-off and I became the main bread winner. I finally landed my dream job, making great money, totally on a career path I worked so hard to get on and then suddenly, I became pregnant. I totally denied it at first. Yes, I thought the pregnancy test was wrong!

It was a tough pregnancy because hubby was in the stay-at-home-dad role to DD#1 and I was working like crazy. Now looking back on it, I have no idea how I managed to survive. It was stressful being the sole provider, mommy and incubator!

I will say DD#2 is awesome! I am so glad to blessed us with her presence. She makes having two so much more enjoyable. There is nothing like seeimg my two girls hug each other and say 'i love you.' Too cute!

There will not ab a third and I'm ok with that. I love the fact that my grls are literally 2 years apart and I hope they grow-up to be best buddies. I did not have a sister but, after seeing my girls play, I wish I did.

Having children is a personal decision and you need to do what's best for you, your family and your state of mind.

staci
03-18-2008, 02:27 PM
I cannot express how happy I am we had our dd. That said....

When we just had our son, I was totally content. He was my entire world. While I knew I wanted more kids, I just couldnt imagine having 'room' in my life for another. But we knew we were ready, so we went ahead and TTC.

Throughout the pregnancy (which was a rough one) ds(2) was by my side, taking care of me, being my right hand man. He would just sit with my, lay with me, hug me. Things were so........perfect.

Then along came dd. A screaming, sobbing bundle of colic, for three months of sleepless nights for everyone. DS would cry, and I would think 'What did we do? How could we do this to him?" And then the guilt would set in because I felt I was choosing sides.....

But slowly, ever so slowly, she calmed down. We got into a routine. She started smiling, cooing. DS adjusted to the sheer volume a baby brought into the house.

She would watch him, and laugh. And he would look at her with so much love. Instead of saying 'take her away' when she cried, he will now rush in to give hugs, and say 'she is our baby. we have to take care of her'.

They have really turned into the best of friends. They are still completely opposite personalities, him being quiet, shy, and reserved; and her being headstrong, loud, and outgoing. They compliment each other well.

I truly believe that she is the best gift I could ever give him, and he is the best gift I could ever give her. They teach each other so many life lessons, they love each other, they stick up for each other. Sometimes I feel like the quiet observer just watching them interact and grow.

For us, giving ds a sibling has been the absolute best choice we could have made for him. While she has added challenges to our household, she has added so much love.

MaryKLady
03-18-2008, 02:37 PM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

Ditto.
We have DD4 and sometimes I think it would be so much easier to have another for her to fight, I mean play with ;) I also was on bed rest for 9 months :scared1: so I feel where you're comming from. I look around at my friends who have babies now and think, nope, done with that.
DH and I are both only children and I think having another would put us both over the edge. :rotfl2:

hinodis
03-18-2008, 02:38 PM
When I was thinking about having #3, my Dad told me, "you will never regret having another one, but you may regret it if you don't.". Yup, Dad was right, I don't regret having her. I don't think it should really be about the money. Would you be better off financially if you did not have the child you have now? Would you rahter have the money?:confused3

nannerbadnanner
03-18-2008, 02:48 PM
We always planned on having two children. My second DD will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. It has been wonderful seeing my oldest act like a big sister (she will be two this month). I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to handle two, but so far it hasn't been that bad at all. I have had to become more organized, but I don't see that as a bad thing.

Financially, it has not been a hardship because we have two girls that were born in the same season. We made sure to buy neutral car seats, strollers, etc., so that it would not be an issue if we had a boy. We also found a great deal on a double stroller on craigslist.

We waited until we felt we were financially able before we had our first daughter. It sounds like you are in a good financial place right now, but I do understand why you are stessed out. I am exactly the same way. I just had to realize that we had done our best to get all of our ducks in a row and then just take the plunge.

Also, before becoming a SAHM, I worked as a career coach. Several of my clients worked at UPS at night in order to qualify for the benefits. In our area, they were required to work about 15 hours per week, and they qualified for medical benefits after 90 days. The medical benefits for both the employee and family were paid 100% by UPS. It really can be a very good option for families that need good insurance.

DMickey28
03-18-2008, 02:50 PM
I cannot express how happy I am we had our dd. That said....

When we just had our son, I was totally content. He was my entire world. While I knew I wanted more kids, I just couldnt imagine having 'room' in my life for another. But we knew we were ready, so we went ahead and TTC.

Throughout the pregnancy (which was a rough one) ds(2) was by my side, taking care of me, being my right hand man. He would just sit with my, lay with me, hug me. Things were so........perfect.

Then along came dd. A screaming, sobbing bundle of colic, for three months of sleepless nights for everyone. DS would cry, and I would think 'What did we do? How could we do this to him?" And then the guilt would set in because I felt I was choosing sides.....

But slowly, ever so slowly, she calmed down. We got into a routine. She started smiling, cooing. DS adjusted to the sheer volume a baby brought into the house.

She would watch him, and laugh. And he would look at her with so much love. Instead of saying 'take her away' when she cried, he will now rush in to give hugs, and say 'she is our baby. we have to take care of her'.

They have really turned into the best of friends. They are still completely opposite personalities, him being quiet, shy, and reserved; and her being headstrong, loud, and outgoing. They compliment each other well.

I truly believe that she is the best gift I could ever give him, and he is the best gift I could ever give her. They teach each other so many life lessons, they love each other, they stick up for each other. Sometimes I feel like the quiet observer just watching them interact and grow.

For us, giving ds a sibling has been the absolute best choice we could have made for him. While she has added challenges to our household, she has added so much love.

Thank you for this. My DS is 11 months old and our first. I feel so content with him. At this point I feel complete but I don't feel our family is, if that makes sense! I figure I will just know when we are ready to start trying again. I asked DH to give me a few years, he'd be ready for the next now.

To the OP - I worry about finances as well. I am at home with DS and we are barely making ends meet some months. We are slowly building a savings but it is nowhere were it should be. I can't imagine adding another right now but I know we would be able to figure it out. Good Luck in your decision ... Sometimes giving it up to God is the best decision.

lntsmom
03-18-2008, 02:51 PM
"The greatest gift you can give your child is another sibling."

There will be a time when you are gone that, without a sibling, your child will be alone in this world. No matter how good a friend he/she may have, no matter how loved he/she may be by a spouse, there is a role that only a sibling can play.

I firmly believe that if you choose to open your heart and home to another child, God will provide for him/her.

Like you, I had complications with my first pregnancy, then a miscarriage caused by immune issues. My third pregnancy and delivery was no thing of joy, but I can't imagine life without my younger son.

Despite being 6 years apart in age my boys are best friends. They have a relationship that, in some ways, is a mystery to me. We moved recently and had to get rid of about half of everything we owned due to the cost of moving. Neither boy has mentioned missing any of their "good stuff"...but if one goes to a friend's house for a day, the other one inevitably comments about being lonely! To me, that says it all!

sarahlovesmickey
03-18-2008, 02:57 PM
I have to chime in again. My DH is an only child and I think that at times, he feels somewhat alone. I have a sister and while we are not extremely close, we know that one another is there and only a phone call away. That is why when we decided to have a family, we knew that we wanted atleast a few children. We both work with kids in our careers and we just love our children so much. I figure that the finances will work themselves out.

jeepgirl30
03-18-2008, 03:02 PM
I didn't want children. Then we got had a pregnancy scare and i realized I did want A child, a boy. We got pregnant and as weird as this will sound, I had a dream that a little boy was standing at the top of the steps and I asked him to come down, he said "no mommy its not my turn yet its hers".

Found out I was pregnant with a little girl. During labor i had a panic attack that my little girl was not going to be a little girl and she just had to be! All was fine and when MIL was meeting DD she asked me something and I answered "well next time we will know" and everyone looked at me and said "she isn't even an hour old and you are saying next one?" I was shocked too but realized yep, a sibbling would come eventually.

DD is now 7 and does have a little brother! I am so blessed. I can not imagine not having either one of my lil darlings in my life. DH sometimes jokes how much money we would have if we had an only or no children. I tell him no, we would have blown that money on really stupid things and have big voids in our lives.

Your heart just grows. I dont know how, it just does!

loco4dis
03-18-2008, 03:03 PM
First, yes, you will love baby #2 as much as you love baby #1. Loving our babies is as natural as breathing. Second, I would not give up a part-time job that pays your family's insurance while your husband takes a second job. Your husband sounds like a great guy, but that will rob him of time with his children that he will never get back. Your family already has a second job: it's your part-time job. Child-rearing is a 2-person endeavor, as is providing income for the family. And third, raising more than 1 child is very different than raising 1 child. With more than one, you take on a greater "observer" role as your children navigate their lives with each other and seem to need you less. With 1 child, you have more of a direct day-to-day social role with the child until he/she gets his/her own friends. I will say, however, as a mom of 2, that there have been some tough times in my adult life (death of my father, for example) that I was sure glad I had my brother to share them with. As they say, a sibling is the only person in the world who will be with you cradle to grave.

sarahlovesmickey
03-18-2008, 03:04 PM
OMG, Jeepgirl, you totally just made me cry with your very touching post. I couldn't have put it better myself.

ADAMANDLISA
03-18-2008, 03:04 PM
Speaking strictly from the high-risk pregnancy aspect---from someone who's been there, done that--I say go for it!!! I don't know your exact medical issue, but it CAN get better...and easier. Good luck with your decision and follow your heart!!!:goodvibes

Karenj2
03-18-2008, 03:09 PM
There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

My MIL tried to give back my DH when he was a baby! :lmao: She only wanted a break - she had two other kids (2 & 4), and the middle was EXTREMELY hyperactive, so MIL was probably sleep deprived and not thinking straight. Seriously, though - she was feeding him at one point, and cut a little square piece of meat, put it on DH's upper lip, and said "He looks like Hitler" :scared1:

Anyway, he's her favorite now, even though she would deny that to the hilt. (She loves them all equally ;) )

Sorry to get so OT - OP, I think you should go for it if you can. It can't hurt for DH to ask his current employers re: benefits coverage, can it? (I wish I had your "dilemma" - DH and I have been trying unsuccessfully for years for just one kid...)

soccerchick
03-18-2008, 03:14 PM
I am giving you my very biased opinion as the mother of two children ;) .

I do think that children should have siblings for the very same reasons others have already posted.

I also think finances, while important, should not be the excuse people use to NOT do something. Very few of us could comfortably afford the changes that a larger family brings. Yet, somehow, we all manage. We make sacrifices. I also understand the desire to stay home with your kids. I considered doing daycare to do so, but know myself well enough that I knew my heart would not be in that and that would not be fair to myself, my kids, or any clients. My compromise was to work part-time and in my chosen field, education. I get 7 weeks off in the summer to spend with my kids. I am also home on all of their real holidays and snow days.

I work part-time to spend time with the kids while they are little. DH has been wonderful to let me do that. We are lucky that he has a job that allows very good paying overtime if/when we need some extra money for vacation or other large purchase w/o having to touch savings.

As for dividing your love with another child, that simply does not happen. The new baby brings you even MORE love and joy.

lisaross
03-18-2008, 03:16 PM
I think this is such a personal choice.

I have two boys! they are 5 & 7! My gyn told me the best present i gave my older son was having a sibling for him and i believe it is true for our family. I did not have bedrest w/the first, but i did have many miscarriages prior to my first son being born so the entire pregnancy i was "worried" at the dr. everyother week for sonograms etc. The 2nd pregnancy i was a bit more laid back - as i didn't have that much "free" time to worry. I am always worrying about finances, so i can see that side as well. Why not have your husband start looking for another job that w/give him health benefits as well - if this is an option for him. I do understand you wanting to be home. I worked fulltime prior to my kids then i stayed home but my husband lost his job in aug. o6 so i started back part-time and thank god he got his job back a few months later and i must say that was the most freigtning time of my life! I am still woring p/t and i love it and i do beacuase i work 3x a week while my kids are in school.. I realize i'm rambling on about me, but i think you must feel sure about your decision to have more kids both you and your husband need to be on the same page! I would love to have a 3rd child, but i feel i'm getting up there in age, they have each other and i don't think i really want to start over and also college will be another huge expense! There is no right and wrong - but you want to be peaceful at night w/whatever decison is right for your family - only you really know what that is!

The best of luck to you and your family,

lisa

rzansKat;23870611]Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing :rotfl2: ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose! :lmao:

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. :laughing: And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.:)[/QUOTE]

flagdaytwins
03-18-2008, 03:17 PM
I have two kids, but know many who have one. And I have to say.......I feel so sorry for kids who don't have siblings.....unless there is a medical reason for not being able to have more children, I just think it's sad to not give your son/daughter a sibling if you have the good health.....all else will follow!

midwestdee
03-18-2008, 03:31 PM
I am an only child and really don't have a good thing to say about it. In my opinion, too often, only children become way too involved in their parents' lives, spoiled - not necessarily about material things - but don't learn the value of cooperating, taking their turn, way too often they think the world revolves around them and too often it does - I have seen instances where the "family" dynamics really hurt the relationship of the husband / wife. There are obviously exceptions to everything. In the end it is your decision - I just personally wouldn't recommend it. It seems to really be the kiss of death if the only is a boy (yes people - I KNOW there are exceptions to this) - my personal experience is having friends say their son is "their best friend", "I don't want him to hate me", etc..... for failing to parent their only son. Way too many jerks - again, this is just in the children of my friends that have only sons (3 friends for whom this is the case ) so far, the "kids" range in age from 24 to around 30 - and the results haven't been too great - think GED, had kids out of wedlock - up to and including time in a state prison facility basically for being an idiot. Good luck - like other posts have mentioned - you NEVER have enough money for another kid - I totally respect your trying to be fiscally responsible - but remember babies and kids don't need a lot - it is the teen years where they really fleece you. I have 2 kids - I tell them all the time - when all else fails - they will always have each other.

LoveBWVVBR
03-18-2008, 03:34 PM
I understand your struggle. We also went through it. DD age 2 was a VERY difficult infant. While finances weren't on my mind as much, having another colicky/reflux/non-sleeping baby was. She only just started sleeping through the night when she was 25 months-old. Well, somehow DH and I decided to "try" for a second child in Dec. Less than a week into trying, I got cold feet and told DH that I wasn't ready and that I might never be ready. We were both on board with the idea of having an only child as well, so he was fine with my decision to stop trying. You already know where this is going, I'm sure. 6 weeks later, I realized that I was pregnant. We were both in shock. Then, finances were REALLY on my mind. They have been ever since.

I've tightened up the budget to figure out where we'll find the extra $$ every month for a second college fund. I've internalized the fact that I just set myself back 3 years in terms of going back to work (we want 1 parent home until the kids go to school too). Honestly, this baby is wanted and will be very loved, but we are also pretty darned happy with just having 1. I never worried about finances when we only had DD to worry about. Also, I was planning to go back to work in 3 years, and now that won't be happening. That is very frustrating to me. I love being home w/DD, but I'm not the type who can be happy not "contributing" financially for years on end, KWIM? DH never makes me feel that way...it's just how I feel myself.

My advice would be to REALLY think though the decision before you try. Try to imagine what it would feel like to definitely have another one on the way, how it will affect you financially, how you will feel knowing that you no longer have the option of having an only, etc. Good luck with your decision either way!

kristilew
03-18-2008, 06:11 PM
I am an only child and really don't have a good thing to say about it. In my opinion, too often, only children become way too involved in their parents' lives, spoiled - not necessarily about material things - but don't learn the value of cooperating, taking their turn, way too often they think the world revolves around them and too often it does - I have seen instances where the "family" dynamics really hurt the relationship of the husband / wife. There are obviously exceptions to everything. In the end it is your decision - I just personally wouldn't recommend it. It seems to really be the kiss of death if the only is a boy (yes people - I KNOW there are exceptions to this) - my personal experience is having friends say their son is "their best friend", "I don't want him to hate me", etc..... for failing to parent their only son. Way too many jerks - again, this is just in the children of my friends that have only sons (3 friends for whom this is the case ) so far, the "kids" range in age from 24 to around 30 - and the results haven't been too great - think GED, had kids out of wedlock - up to and including time in a state prison facility basically for being an idiot. Good luck - like other posts have mentioned - you NEVER have enough money for another kid - I totally respect your trying to be fiscally responsible - but remember babies and kids don't need a lot - it is the teen years where they really fleece you. I have 2 kids - I tell them all the time - when all else fails - they will always have each other.

Ok, sorry, I have to chime back in now. Granted, I don't have my final results yet, but I will take my polite, generous, mature, cooperative, patient only child over some of the seconds and thirds I meet on a regular basis. With my energy not divided and used up, I have been able to respond to any inappropriate behavior every time it happened, and nip it in the bud. Many of my friends have third children who are monsters, due to the "oh just give her what she wants" syndrome.

While onlies can be just as selfish as others, in my experience, it is easier for dd to share and cooperate than kids who grow up fighting over all their stuff, learning from an early age to protect the "mine." All the stuff is hers here, and guests will eventually leave, so she has no problem sharing while they're here. Of course, she often ends up giving her things away to friends she feels sorry for because they are always having to give their things to their younger siblings to keep peace for their exhausted mom.

I believe that children with siblings get so much practice in fighting and pushing for their parents' attention, and competeing with their siblings,that they are frequently incapable of turning this behavior off. It's sort of a different version of spoiled, where the family revolves around the kids as a group, because the dynamics are just so overwhelming.

(I'm sure, however, that this is not the case for any of the children of DISers, natch)

One of the main reasons I wanted an only is that I wanted a lot of time for my husband. Rather than a sibling being the best gift we can give our kids, I believe that best gift is a strong, happy marriage. No matter how many kids a couple has, it is important that the constant priority is that kids come third - after God then the marriage. (I guess second if you're not religious, but who has a child then doesn't belive in God?)

Not every only hates being an only. Every time dd comes back from a friend's house, she fervrently thanks us for not subjecting her to younger siblings. As for kids always having each other, dh would love not to be saddled with some of his messed up adult siblings, who we will probably be bailing out for the rest of their lives.

Sorry for the rant. I'm a little defensive about onlies. Having said that, I do strongly believe that each of us should have the number of kids she wants. I just think it should be ackowledged that it is because we want them, not out of some misguided notion that an only child is doomed.

mapmakerj
03-18-2008, 06:44 PM
As the DM of an only son, I agree with you. I don't worry about my DS being lonely in his old age, as he has many cousins he is close in age with that act like his siblings. I was greatful the day my DS was potty trained and didn't need a stroller anymore. I was given a new sense of freedom with my DS. We could get up and go at a moments notice and not have to haul a bunch of "baby gear" around. Many of my friends and relatives of multiples are still on the "baby gear" train, some for almost a decade. I also like the thought that I can help my DS out more with college than I ever could having more than one child. I am completely in love with my boy and don't feel like I am missing out on anything or denying him anything by not giving him a sibling. Everyone needs to decide for themselves what is the right number for them.
I just feel that the poster who said it is "sad" not to give your child a sibling if you are medically able is way off base. You make it sound as if we are being selfish. We are not. We are making the right decision for OUR families, just as, I assume, you made the right one for yours.

SarahKate
03-18-2008, 06:45 PM
Another only here and I have no regrets. My DH is an only too. And at the moment our DD (almost 6) is an only - whether or not she will be an only or a sibling is yet to be determined.

I absolutely did NOT hate being an only. At the time I was growing up, it's what was normal to me. I didn't sit around and dream of having a sibling. Yes, I did have quite a bit of alone time, but that's not always a bad thing. I always had friends and hung out with them quite a bit, as well with my extended family.

I will say that I do worry a bit as our dads get older (both our moms passed in 2003), but I still have no regrets being an only child. It is just expected that at some point I'll have to help them out.

And re: other posts about what if we pass before our kids? The same thing could be said for a family with an only whose child passes away (Heaven forbid!!!) - is that a reason to have another child? That is definitely something I think about with my only, but I'm not going to let that dictate our ultimate decision.

I know there have been multiple posts that "giving your child a sibling is the greatest gift". While I can appreciate the value of having more than one, I disagree that it is the GREATEST gift. The truly greatest gift you can give your child is the gift of LOVE, first and foremost! That is regardless of if you have 1, 2, or 8!!! If you raise an only the RIGHT way, reinforce strong family values, teach them consequences to their actions, as well being a giving and kind person, and give them space to grow, they're going to turn out ok. They aren't any more likely to turn into DEVIANTS than anyone else who is in a family with more than 1 child!

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 07:37 PM
Thank you all so much for chiming in. It's so helpful to see a variety of viewpoints. For myself, I have known only children who were completely self-centered and just plain awful to one of the most caring, sensitive individuals I've known. Both only children, totally different upbringings.

For me, the question is actually not so much about giving my DS a sibling, but actually whether or not DH and I want to add to our family. While I worry about how DS will react to a sibling, in some senses that's not the biggest factor in my decision. I also don't feel he needs one, because I have a sister and we can not at all get along. There's also a seven year age difference between us. I know that this is not always "the norm", but one of my biggest fears is having another child and that DS and that child will end up like me and my sister. It may be silly, but it is lurking in the back of my mind. I mean, if it were up to her, I would never have anymore children, I'd work full time, and put DS in day care instead of having my mother care for him while I work part time. That's a whole other boatload of issues there!

Sorry for that side rant...anyway, my DSILs came over today, one is pregnant, one has a nine month old, and DS is wonderful with the baby around. They are so great together. I know he'd do well with a sibling, that doesn't worry me. It's totally the finances...but I know I don't feel done. I'll probably be kicking around this idea for a while. Also, don't flame me, but I really want to squeeze in one more Disney vacation before I get pregnant. We are hoping to go in Sept for free dining, if offered, and I would love to not be pregnant then so I can just enjoy one more slushie margarita in Mexico, KWIM? :thumbsup2 Truthfully, though, if I ended up pregnant before then, I don't think it would stop me from going...I'd just have to refocus that margarita energy onto dole whips. :lmao: And it is sort of a tradition, as I did take a trip when DS was in utero, about 5 months along!:)

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 07:41 PM
I didn't want children. Then we got had a pregnancy scare and i realized I did want A child, a boy. We got pregnant and as weird as this will sound, I had a dream that a little boy was standing at the top of the steps and I asked him to come down, he said "no mommy its not my turn yet its hers".

Found out I was pregnant with a little girl. During labor i had a panic attack that my little girl was not going to be a little girl and she just had to be! All was fine and when MIL was meeting DD she asked me something and I answered "well next time we will know" and everyone looked at me and said "she isn't even an hour old and you are saying next one?" I was shocked too but realized yep, a sibbling would come eventually.

DD is now 7 and does have a little brother! I am so blessed. I can not imagine not having either one of my lil darlings in my life. DH sometimes jokes how much money we would have if we had an only or no children. I tell him no, we would have blown that money on really stupid things and have big voids in our lives.

Your heart just grows. I dont know how, it just does!

Your post gave me the chills! I can't believe you had such a vivid dream, it's truly amazing. Thank you for sharing it, and how you feel about your "lil darlings." :lovestruc

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 07:43 PM
Awww, congrats on making the "big decision". I just found out that I am preg with our 4th (and last child!!). I don't think it is unfair that you ask DH to work nights, especially since health insurance is so vital. I wish you the best!!

Congratulations on being pregnant with your 4th! Best of luck to you, and god bless for having four! :worship: DH is one of four and I remember how crazy his household seemed to me the first time I was in it. I can say however, he and his brother and sisters are all close, all talk, and even if they disagree with each other, they yell about it (Italian ;) ), get over it, and still talk to each other. So different from my family where the grudges are held forever!

Chris
03-18-2008, 07:44 PM
bumping :)


Well, I can honestly say I dont' think you'll ever regret having another.
However, if you're on the fence and don't, that you may regret.

Best of luck with your decision.

Hugs!

MomofCKJ
03-18-2008, 07:48 PM
I haven't read all the posts but want to wish you well with your decision. I think the best advice is to really talk together about it and if you are someone who prays, pray about it.

I am an only and this is only my experience but as a kid I didn't mind being an only. I tended to get all the things I wanted, got to bring friends everywhere, didn't need to share my stuff. As an adult, I wish desperately that I had siblings. I really wish I had a brother or sister. As my parents are getting older (Mom 60, stepdad 67) I look down the road and think if there comes a time that they need care it is just me, I don't have anyone to share that responsibility with.

Allyson

Kitzka
03-18-2008, 08:13 PM
I think you have to ask yourself-"is my family complete?" and "do i want another child or do i want my child as a baby?"

I come from a family of 2. DD comes from a family of 2. We have 1 child (9). we knew about 6 months after she was born that our family was complete. she is everything we could ever ask for and ever want.

are there times that i say "don't you want another child?" sometimes i think the answer is yes but when i ask do i want another child or do i want DD back at 5 months, 2 years etc..."
for me the answer has always been i want to relive her at whatever age. i know at the end of the day that she is all we will ever want or need.

but that is what is right for our family.

lara

TarzansKat
03-18-2008, 08:19 PM
I think you have to ask yourself-"is my family complete?" and "do i want another child or do i want my child as a baby?"

I come from a family of 2. DD comes from a family of 2. We have 1 child (9). we knew about 6 months after she was born that our family was complete. she is everything we could ever ask for and ever want.

are there times that i say "don't you want another child?" sometimes i think the answer is yes but when i ask do i want another child or do i want DD back at 5 months, 2 years etc..."
for me the answer has always been i want to relive her at whatever age. i know at the end of the day that she is all we will ever want or need.

but that is what is right for our family.

lara

You have hit a good point! I think this stems, for me, from my feeling that I'm missing out (even though only working part time) on him growing up and although I've provided the vital health insurance, I feel like where have my past two years gone? My DS is 3, it's time to potty train him, he'll be going to preschool in the fall, and part of me is very scared. In reality I have already lost my "baby" and he's a big boy now, but it's still very hard for me.

annakris1973
03-18-2008, 08:33 PM
You have hit a good point! I think this stems, for me, from my feeling that I'm missing out (even though only working part time) on him growing up and although I've provided the vital health insurance, I feel like where have my past two years gone? My DS is 3, it's time to potty train him, he'll be going to preschool in the fall, and part of me is very scared. In reality I have already lost my "baby" and he's a big boy now, but it's still very hard for me.

Just something to make you feel better, or take a different viewpoint on your sitch. I worked full time 12 hour shifts from the time my youngest was born until he was 2, when my oldest was born I was in college full time and had a part time job, then graduated and went to work. Now, my DD is 13 and DS is 8. I can honestly tell you that I believe that they need me as a SAHM more now than they ever needed me prior to elementary school. They need that stable constant in their lives. I look back at their early years, and even though they went by really fast, they got everything they needed even though I was working full time. Did I miss out on some things? Maybe. Did they suffer for it? No. They have a wonderful Daddy who enjoyed having Daddy time. Will I always be a SAHM? NO...I have 2 kids to put through college. :rotfl: Don't let YOUR insecurities cloud your judgement. It is better to have a job when you really don't need it than to really need a job and not have one.

PiperPizzaz
03-18-2008, 09:09 PM
I am an only and this is only my experience but as a kid I didn't mind being an only. I tended to get all the things I wanted, got to bring friends everywhere, didn't need to share my stuff. As an adult, I wish desperately that I had siblings. I really wish I had a brother or sister. As my parents are getting older (Mom 60, stepdad 67) I look down the road and think if there comes a time that they need care it is just me, I don't have anyone to share that responsibility with.

Allyson

You know what, I am the oldest. I have 2 sis, 2 bros, 2 half bros, 2 step bros and 4 step sis. I wish I had a sibling that would help me with my parents too and someone who I can be friends with. Out of all those I have none that will. Sad, huh? I would have LOVED to have been an only. I remember being very upset when DB was born, lol.

I have an only and hopefully will stay an only. I would love to have a little girl but, I don't have the temperment for two children. (I have already 'raised' enough kids in my life!) I love my son and desperately wanted him and now I am happy and content. I love being able to go on vacation every year and want Ds to go to good schools.

DisneyAprilFool
03-18-2008, 09:37 PM
We could go back and forth with generalizations on families with onlies and families with multiple kids all day- but generalizations are just that- and they do no one any good.

I come from a decent sized family that is spaced out- me and my two older siblings, then my younger sister (by 10 years, younger) and then my youngest sister who is 13 years younger then me... My family was crazy- but aren't ALL families?

I now have a decent sized family- we are adding our fourth in August. And I'm MORE THEN DONE. LOL. As far as finances go- I really think that you'll never feel 100% financially secure when you think about adding another child into your life- because you are adding another 'what if'- you know?

Just reading your posts, I think you'll eventually decide to try for another and if and when you do- I hope you have an easy time conceiving and an even easier pregnancy :)

Family Fun Mom
03-19-2008, 12:57 AM
I have about a billion cousins, one of them is an only child. Even when I was a little kid, I always felt sorry for her. She just seemed lonely. She was always sort of on the outside looking in around the rest of us. She never fit in. Her life was so different and she was never comfortable around all the energy and chaos the rest of us had on daily basis. Even though she had every toy imaginable and had her parent's undivided attention, her life was completely unappealing to me. Because of her, I knew at a young age that I would never have an only child on purpose.

I can't imagine growing up without my brother and sister. I remember staying up late watching the Three Stooges with them, whispering all night before we left for vacation because we were too excited to sleep, trick or treating, waking each other up on Christmas morning with screams of "Santa came! Santa came!" Playing together on rainy days, praying for school closings on snowy mornings. They both stood up with me on my wedding day and were there when all three of my kids were born, even my first child who was born in North Carolina over 1,000 miles away. I was my sister's matron of honor at her wedding and my brother stood up, too. We held each other up when Grandpa died, and did it again when when we lost Aunt Marilyn last year. We were there for each other when our parents seperated and rejoiced together when they worked things out. Sure, there have been times when we didn't get along (our fights are legendary)but when push comes to shove, they are my brother and sister. They are my family. Friends and cousins are great, they bring much love and joy to my life, but it is not the same. Sorry, but it just isn't.

I also cannot imagine my three kids growing up without each other. When I watch them interacting, playing, wrestling, and roaring with laughter together I know I made the right choice.

Adding to your family will only enhance your life and the lives of your entire family. I think a sibling is the best gift any parent can give a child.

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 05:17 AM
We could go back and forth with generalizations on families with onlies and families with multiple kids all day- but generalizations are just that- and they do no one any good.

I come from a decent sized family that is spaced out- me and my two older siblings, then my younger sister (by 10 years, younger) and then my youngest sister who is 13 years younger then me... My family was crazy- but aren't ALL families?

I now have a decent sized family- we are adding our fourth in August. And I'm MORE THEN DONE. LOL. As far as finances go- I really think that you'll never feel 100% financially secure when you think about adding another child into your life- because you are adding another 'what if'- you know?

Just reading your posts, I think you'll eventually decide to try for another and if and when you do- I hope you have an easy time conceiving and an even easier pregnancy :)


Thank you for your well wishes! As always, I am in awe of families with four kids. I wish you the best as well. :goodvibes

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 05:18 AM
I have about a billion cousins, one of them is an only child. Even when I was a little kid, I always felt sorry for her. She just seemed lonely. She was always sort of on the outside looking in around the rest of us. She never fit in. Her life was so different and she was never comfortable around all the energy and chaos the rest of us had on daily basis. Even though she had every toy imaginable and had her parent's undivided attention, her life was completely unappealing to me. Because of her, I knew at a young age that I would never have an only child on purpose.

I can't imagine growing up without my brother and sister. I remember staying up late watching the Three Stooges with them, whispering all night before we left for vacation because we were too excited to sleep, trick or treating, waking each other up on Christmas morning with screams of "Santa came! Santa came!" Playing together on rainy days, praying for school closings on snowy mornings. They both stood up with me on my wedding day and were there when all three of my kids were born, even my first child who was born in North Carolina over 1,000 miles away. I was my sister's matron of honor at her wedding and my brother stood up, too. We held each other up when Grandpa died, and did it again when when we lost Aunt Marilyn last year. We were there for each other when our parents seperated and rejoiced together when they worked things out. Sure, there have been times when we didn't get along (our fights are legendary)but when push comes to shove, they are my brother and sister. They are my family. Friends and cousins are great, they bring much love and joy to my life, but it is not the same. Sorry, but it just isn't.

I also cannot imagine my three kids growing up without each other. When I watch them interacting, playing, wrestling, and roaring with laughter together I know I made the right choice.

Adding to your family will only enhance your life and the lives of your entire family. I think a sibling is the best gift any parent can give a child.

Thank you so much for sharing that heartfelt description of your siblings. It sounds like you have something very special with them. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my sister, and if I do have another child, I hope that my children will be that supportive of each other! :)

Kellydelly
03-19-2008, 05:23 AM
I would have at least one more so your son has a sibling. I planned on three but ended up with twins the last go around so now I have four :). You have plenty of time to figure out the health insurance matter.

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 05:25 AM
I would have at least one more so your son has a sibling. I planned on three but ended up with twins the last go around so now I have four :). You have plenty of time to figure out the health insurance matter.

Thanks for chiming in! Everyone's given me so much food for thought, it's great. :thumbsup2

LoveBWVVBR
03-19-2008, 05:48 AM
Thank you all so much for chiming in. It's so helpful to see a variety of viewpoints. For myself, I have known only children who were completely self-centered and just plain awful to one of the most caring, sensitive individuals I've known. Both only children, totally different upbringings.

For me, the question is actually not so much about giving my DS a sibling, but actually whether or not DH and I want to add to our family. While I worry about how DS will react to a sibling, in some senses that's not the biggest factor in my decision. I also don't feel he needs one, because I have a sister and we can not at all get along. There's also a seven year age difference between us. I know that this is not always "the norm", but one of my biggest fears is having another child and that DS and that child will end up like me and my sister. It may be silly, but it is lurking in the back of my mind. I mean, if it were up to her, I would never have anymore children, I'd work full time, and put DS in day care instead of having my mother care for him while I work part time. That's a whole other boatload of issues there!


I just wanted to say that I think you have the right attitude about whether or not to have a second. It's not about giving your child a sibling. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Siblings are a crapshoot! They can grow up to hate each other just as easily as they can grow up to love each other. Have a second child because YOU want a second child, not because your child "needs" a sibling. If your kids get along, it's a bonus. If not, you had 2 kids because you wanted 2 kids and for no other reason, KWIM?

ncbyrne
03-19-2008, 06:08 AM
What about DH? Does he want another child?

WendyisDarling
03-19-2008, 06:30 AM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

I haven't read all the replies, but I think there is a lot of wisdom here. I know from my experience and others have told me the same, they just know when they are "done". I have two boys and I love them dearly, but no way would I want to go another round of those years. DH feels the same. It doesn't seem that your heart is telling you that you are finished.

WDW4TheGirls
03-19-2008, 06:35 AM
I haven't read this whole thread, so forgive me if I repeat what someone else has posted. I am an only child and have always hated it. In the childhood years you don't have to worry about sharing and all that, but as an adult I really miss having a sibling. There's no one who has shared your life experiences, and when my parents are gone there will be no one who can truly go through that with me. I always said that I would have no children or two or more, but never an only. I watch my 2 daughters together and am very glad that they have each other. They need each other to appreciate their own humor (when we adults just don't find it silly anymore!). I hear so much more laughter in my house with my children than when I was growing up. When my parents had their own time, even something like adult dinner discussions or the occasional argument, I felt very alone. It's priceless to have another child in the house.

I know finances are important, but it sounds like you are in a pretty good place right now, and please don't let the finances rule the decision to give your son a sibling.

pepperderr
03-19-2008, 07:07 AM
We have 2 boys right now. In my situation, it took me what seemed like forever to get preganant the first time. Then the baby was stillborn. We didn't really have any explaination as to why at that point. I was devistated of course and we were both afraid to try again thinking it would happen again because we didn't know why it happened the first time.

Well, we weren't really "trying" but we weren't doing anything to stop it either. I did end up getting pregnant again. We didn't jump for joy. We were too scare. Extreamly Happy!!!! But more scared. I spent that whole pregnancy expecting it to happen again, especially when I got farther along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had problems with that pregnancy that no one could explain either but everything turned out fine and my son was/is fine.

We were feeling a bit better about everything knowing I did have a successfull pregnancy so we decided to try again. I got pregnant and we always said that if the baby was a boy we would try one more time for a girl and then that is all. Well, the baby was a boy but we are NOT ever trying again. It was an EXTREAMLY hard decision to come to. We both wanted a girl so bad plus I just didnt feel done either. But while I was pregnant that time, I found out I have APS which is a disorder like lupus that also causes blood clots. I was told that that is why the first baby died (I got blood clots all over the placenta) and that there was an extreamly high chance it could happen again. You would normally think that the farther along you get, the better chance the baby has but in this case, the farther along I would get the more dangerous it was to me and the baby. I was put on blood thinners and of course was a high risk pregnancy again but even after he was born and I knew how stressfull it was, we still both wanted to try again. But we didn't and we won't. I am greatfull for the 2 I have with me and just kept telling myself the benifits of having 2 boys and of only having 2 kids.

I don't think I could have been happy with 1 kid. I also think I was meant to have 2 kids because that is why I didn't know until I was pregnant this last time what ever happend the first time to kill the baby. I think if I would have known, I never would have tried to get pregnant a 2nd or a 3rd time.

Now that I told you my life story:scared1: , let me say if i were you and I only had one child and the risk was only that you might need to be on bed rest, I would definitely try again! As someone else already posted, if you wait till you are ready, you will never be ready. Go for it! Good luck!!:woohoo: :flower3:

crisi
03-19-2008, 07:28 AM
I think you have to ask yourself-"is my family complete?" and "do i want another child or do i want my child as a baby?"

I come from a family of 2. DD comes from a family of 2. We have 1 child (9). we knew about 6 months after she was born that our family was complete. she is everything we could ever ask for and ever want.

are there times that i say "don't you want another child?" sometimes i think the answer is yes but when i ask do i want another child or do i want DD back at 5 months, 2 years etc..."
for me the answer has always been i want to relive her at whatever age. i know at the end of the day that she is all we will ever want or need.

but that is what is right for our family.

lara

You are very wise. I have a girlfriend who adores being pregnant and being a mom to babies and small children. She isn't too fond of preschoolers and now has a teenager she is out of her depth on. Its a good think her husband had the common sense to see her wanting a large family for what it was - baby fever. Because now she has children she really isn't that interested in. I'm not saying she's a bad mother, just that she's a little distracted.

The finances - they are important. Kids are expensive, particularly today where it isn't just an extra load of laundry in the washtub out back, but childcare and formula and disposable diapers. But the real thing with kids is each one is going to demand an emotional and time commitment - and it doesn't end with they are eighteen - much less when they stop being cute and start being petulant teenagers. Make sure you have the energy for a sixteen year old and a twelve year old.

SandraVB79
03-19-2008, 08:55 AM
I don't have children yet. However, I have two brothers :)

When my mother was pregnant with me, she also had to stay in bed for 4-5 months. She didn't have those problems when being pregnant with my brothers, so I guess each pregnancy is different.

My brothers and I have had momets in life where we "hated" each other, but we know the other is always there for us, if we need them. I was the first to know oldest brother was gay, he was the first I called when our basement looked like a sinking Titanic, I'm the one who helped my youngest brother's big dream coming true (being a truck driver, something our parents were very opposed to), ... Many many examples here.

Something that I haven't seen mentioned (but I haven't read each and every post) is that you learn how to share when you have siblings. Example: I just bought an appartment. My parents sponsored me, which was very needed. However, the amount of money they could give me was not just determined by what was on their account, but also by the fact that if they did this for me, they would also need to do this for the other two. Friends who are only childs don't understand that. If the parents have to make such a decision, it's always "do we have the money? Yes, so you can have it". In our case it is: Do we have the money? Yes. Will we have the same amount in X time for the other two? Uhm... maybe not, let's re-assess what we can afford to give. :)


One of my ex-BFs mother once told me that she asked ex-BF when he was a small child whether he wanted a brother/ sister. His reaction was: No, I don't want them to play with my toys. They didn't have another child because of him being a selfish child. Had they had another child and had he learned to share, he would have been a nicer person to live with :)

kristilew
03-19-2008, 09:30 AM
I
Something that I haven't seen mentioned (but I haven't read each and every post) is that you learn how to share when you have siblings. Example: I just bought an appartment. My parents sponsored me, which was very needed. However, the amount of money they could give me was not just determined by what was on their account, but also by the fact that if they did this for me, they would also need to do this for the other two. Friends who are only childs don't understand that. If the parents have to make such a decision, it's always "do we have the money? Yes, so you can have it". In our case it is: Do we have the money? Yes. Will we have the same amount in X time for the other two? Uhm... maybe not, let's re-assess what we can afford to give. :)


One of my ex-BFs mother once told me that she asked ex-BF when he was a small child whether he wanted a brother/ sister. His reaction was: No, I don't want them to play with my toys. They didn't have another child because of him being a selfish child. Had they had another child and had he learned to share, he would have been a nicer person to live with :)


Ummm, actually what our only child has always heard when she wants something, and always will, is "have YOU saved enough money to do this on your own?"

For now, at 10, it is clothes, toys, cell phone, etc and money she squirrels away from birthday gifts and working in the neighborhood as a mothers' helper or dog walker. As she grows, it will be money from jobs she is expected to get to pay for her car, apartment, life.

As for sharing, irresponsible parents who don't teach their first child manners don't automatically become better parents when the second or third is born. It's not the siblings' job to teach each other to be good citizens. It's hard work no matter how many you have, and how many we choose to have should be determined, at least in part, by how much engergy we are willing and able to put into that job.

That thump you just heard is me stepping back down from my soapbox:rotfl:

budbeerlady
03-19-2008, 09:49 AM
Ummm, actually what our only child has always heard when she wants something, and always will, is "have YOU saved enough money to do this on your own?"

For now, at 10, it is clothes, toys, cell phone, etc and money she squirrels away from birthday gifts and working in the neighborhood as a mothers' helper or dog walker. As she grows, it will be money from jobs she is expected to get to pay for her car, apartment, life.

As for sharing, irresponsible parents who don't teach their first child manners don't automatically become better parents when the second or third is born. It's not the siblings' job to teach each other to be good citizens. It's hard work no matter how many you have, and how many we choose to have should be determined, at least in part, by how much engergy we are willing and able to put into that job.

That thump you just heard is me stepping back down from my soapbox:rotfl:


:thumbsup2 Same with my only, she has learned from day 1 from Dh and I not only to share but to share in every aspect. Share her time by volunteering, share money with charities, that its better to give than to receive.

Some people are selfish, having 0 or 100 siblings are not going to change them in that regard.

Good luck in your decisions O.P.

KTSMOM
03-19-2008, 09:54 AM
I'll chime in here with my 2 cents. I have one child, DD7, who couldn't be more loving and caring. She is great at sharing with her friends and is not an attention hog at all. Now don't get me wrong, she's not always good, but she is anything but selfish. We've been batting the idea back and forth about having another child ourselves. The main reason I hold back is that I cherish the time I get to spend with my DD. I don't have to break my time up between her and another child. Anytime there is an activity she needs me or my DH to be there for, we are there. I can't imagine not doing that. Also, I can't imagine starting over after 7 years, but that's beside the point here since your DS is younger than my DD.
Both of my parents were only children and said they wished that they had a sibling, but as someone else mentioned siblings don't always guarantee a loving relationship. I have a dear friend who's sister is hateful to her in everyway, and has been that way since we were teenagers. It's truly luck of the draw.
I guess at the end of the day you just have to ask yourself, is something missing from my family that makes it not feel complete. When I ask myself that question, I get a "no" response (well in my head I don't actually say it out loud :) ) So I know I'm done even though my body tries to tell me otherwise.
Good luck with your decision. I know it's a difficult one to make.

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 06:49 PM
We have 2 boys right now. In my situation, it took me what seemed like forever to get preganant the first time. Then the baby was stillborn. We didn't really have any explaination as to why at that point. I was devistated of course and we were both afraid to try again thinking it would happen again because we didn't know why it happened the first time.

Well, we weren't really "trying" but we weren't doing anything to stop it either. I did end up getting pregnant again. We didn't jump for joy. We were too scare. Extreamly Happy!!!! But more scared. I spent that whole pregnancy expecting it to happen again, especially when I got farther along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had problems with that pregnancy that no one could explain either but everything turned out fine and my son was/is fine.

We were feeling a bit better about everything knowing I did have a successfull pregnancy so we decided to try again. I got pregnant and we always said that if the baby was a boy we would try one more time for a girl and then that is all. Well, the baby was a boy but we are NOT ever trying again. It was an EXTREAMLY hard decision to come to. We both wanted a girl so bad plus I just didnt feel done either. But while I was pregnant that time, I found out I have APS which is a disorder like lupus that also causes blood clots. I was told that that is why the first baby died (I got blood clots all over the placenta) and that there was an extreamly high chance it could happen again. You would normally think that the farther along you get, the better chance the baby has but in this case, the farther along I would get the more dangerous it was to me and the baby. I was put on blood thinners and of course was a high risk pregnancy again but even after he was born and I knew how stressfull it was, we still both wanted to try again. But we didn't and we won't. I am greatfull for the 2 I have with me and just kept telling myself the benifits of having 2 boys and of only having 2 kids.

I don't think I could have been happy with 1 kid. I also think I was meant to have 2 kids because that is why I didn't know until I was pregnant this last time what ever happend the first time to kill the baby. I think if I would have known, I never would have tried to get pregnant a 2nd or a 3rd time.

Now that I told you my life story:scared1: , let me say if i were you and I only had one child and the risk was only that you might need to be on bed rest, I would definitely try again! As someone else already posted, if you wait till you are ready, you will never be ready. Go for it! Good luck!!:woohoo: :flower3:

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with me, I feel very lucky to find such support here on these boards! :love:

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 06:51 PM
What about DH? Does he want another child?

Hi there! I know my original post was sort of long, but I did describe DH a bit there. He'd love 4. I say, no way. I had originally thought 2 or 3, but know I'm looking at 1 or 2.:)

TarzansKat
03-19-2008, 06:59 PM
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted. It has been extremely helpful. I also wanted to give you all a little update. I checked my HR manual at work today and discovered that I do not work enough hours per year to qualify for FMLA. Which means that unless something changes for DH, if we decided to have a baby now once I left work, we'd have no medical coverage. So I guess the unfortunate answer is no matter what I want for myself, at this point, I am sort of stuck. I know I had talked about DH at UPS nights...I have debated whether or not this fair to us as a family now. Ugh...if only life were easy...huh? :confused3

Again, thanks to all of you. You've certainly kept my spirits up as I've been mulling things over. :)

loco4dis
03-19-2008, 07:45 PM
I have about a billion cousins, one of them is an only child. Even when I was a little kid, I always felt sorry for her. She just seemed lonely. She was always sort of on the outside looking in around the rest of us. She never fit in. Her life was so different and she was never comfortable around all the energy and chaos the rest of us had on daily basis. Even though she had every toy imaginable and had her parent's undivided attention, her life was completely unappealing to me. Because of her, I knew at a young age that I would never have an only child on purpose.

I can't imagine growing up without my brother and sister. I remember staying up late watching the Three Stooges with them, whispering all night before we left for vacation because we were too excited to sleep, trick or treating, waking each other up on Christmas morning with screams of "Santa came! Santa came!" Playing together on rainy days, praying for school closings on snowy mornings. They both stood up with me on my wedding day and were there when all three of my kids were born, even my first child who was born in North Carolina over 1,000 miles away. I was my sister's matron of honor at her wedding and my brother stood up, too. We held each other up when Grandpa died, and did it again when when we lost Aunt Marilyn last year. We were there for each other when our parents seperated and rejoiced together when they worked things out. Sure, there have been times when we didn't get along (our fights are legendary)but when push comes to shove, they are my brother and sister. They are my family. Friends and cousins are great, they bring much love and joy to my life, but it is not the same. Sorry, but it just isn't.

I also cannot imagine my three kids growing up without each other. When I watch them interacting, playing, wrestling, and roaring with laughter together I know I made the right choice.

Adding to your family will only enhance your life and the lives of your entire family. I think a sibling is the best gift any parent can give a child.

That is a really beautiful explanation of the sibling experience. Thank you. I would add, too, that siblings are the only people in the world who truly understand what a pain in the rear your parents can be, even though you love 'em madly! :) You can say, "Oh, you know how mom (or Dad) is…" and your sib can say, "Yup, I do."

TheRatPack
03-20-2008, 11:26 AM
I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

Loved reading this post :) We're currently starting on #6 :) We had 2 and adopted 3.

Schachteles
03-20-2008, 11:38 AM
I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn


That statement is so true and has caused me lots of lost sleep in night...

...someone told me... "YOU WILL NEVER REGRET HAVE MORE KIDS, BUT YOU WILL REGRET NOT HAVING MORE!!"

Follow your heart!! :love:

PatriciaH
03-20-2008, 12:10 PM
No opinion for the OP-it is her and her husbands choice. I do not know how people can say no one ever regrets having a child!!!??? We see people every day that regret their children. Otherwise the news would not be full of the crap it is full of. Lets start being honest here!

reggiemcp
03-20-2008, 02:37 PM
Hi

I know that you have pretty much decided on what to do, but I wanted to respond to the posts about onlies. Some people don't choose to have onlies, I was finally able to get pregant at 39 after several years of infertility and many invasive procedures.

I love my son very much and was very blessed to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery at 40. I would have loved to have more than one but that meant more treatments which would have been emotionally overwhelming (financially - insurance coverage was great). Odds were not in my favor, so husband & I decided to let it go. I am one of six kids and loved having big family, we are still very close today.

My point is not all parents of onlies have chosen that route, it was chosen for them.

Thanks for listening.

pearlieq
03-20-2008, 02:57 PM
I do not know how people can say no one ever regrets having a child!!!??? We see people every day that regret their children. Otherwise the news would not be full of the crap it is full of. Lets start being honest here!

The thing is, you will almost never have anyone who would actually admit to anyone that they regret having children/more children.

It's just not done. It's one of the worst sins we can imagine. So people don't talk about it and don't admit to it.

Plus, it's hard to think about once the child is in front of you, because it has a name, a face, and a personality. That doesn't mean that maybe things would have better or easier if you had stopped at one, or two, or whatever.

And do I need to say the whole "only children are spoiled, lonely, anti-social, etc." thing is bunk? There's plenty of only children in the world, and somehow the planet keep spinning.

We hear things little "bumper sticker" saying like these all the time:

"You'll never regret having more kids, but you'll regret not having more"
"If we waited until we could afford kids, we'd never have kids"
"Our kids will be different"

They're the little fibs people tell themself to ensure the survival of the human race. :laughing:

OP, the vibe I get is that, deep down, you want another child and maybe just need some reassurance that it will all be OK. I hope you find some clarity and that things work out for you. Good luck!

jackskellingtonsgirl
03-20-2008, 03:01 PM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

Our DS12 is an only. DH is an only. I was an only until I was 10 and would have been VERY happy to REMAIN an only.

DS has never said he wished he had a sibling.

But having said all of that, I knew right from the very beginning that I never, never wanted more than one child. DS was planned and wanted and we adore him. We have no desire to have another one.

I think if you really want another one then you can probably figure out a way to make it work. :)

TarzansKat
03-23-2008, 07:14 AM
Thank you so much to everyone who has posted and offered their bits of wisdom. I just wanted to wish you and yours a Happy Easter! :goodvibes

momto1disneyfan
03-23-2008, 08:34 AM
I to am a mother of only 1 child. My DS will be 16 in less than two months. I will have to admit that at times I did reget only having one. However every time I thought about it, I remembered what my Doctor told me, I know I made the right decision. I to was a high risk pregnancy. Nothing to due with the baby, but my health. Everything did turn out in the end. When I had brought up about having another child my doctor bascially told me. Would you rather your son grow up with a sibling and his mother in a wheel chair or would you rather have your son grow up as an only child and a mother that can due things with him. We chose the second option I know yours is more financial then medical. But just sit down and think how your decision will affect your child. What ever decision make will be best for your family. My son doesnt at all regret not having a sibling, actually at times when he see's his freinds and cousins fight with there siblings he say's he is actually glad he is an only child, he all enjoys the attention we can give him both, persoanally and financially. I no longer have any regrets. Happy Easter.

MickeyP
03-23-2008, 09:26 AM
Someone here mentioned the order: God, spouse, children. If you are putting God first, then take what he has to offer you. Do you "make" children, or does God make them and you assist him? Yeah, they get traits/looks from you, but they are not you. They are individuals. If you are not religious, I guess it's up to you, but are you ready to meet your maker and say, "Sorry, "I" only wanted one, not the three you wanted me to have".
And yes, I know you have to provide for this child and people worry about money, but don't. They will be worth everything you gave up.

jckdisneybound
03-23-2008, 10:05 AM
As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back ;)

This is me to a T. DD is 6 and she is the greatest blessing we ever could have been given. But I feel my family is complete. I have friends who have 2-3 kids and can't say in their heart they are done.

Now if I felt I wasn't done, I couldn't add to my family without knowing we could complete afford too. Even if it meant having to wait longer.

Tomh
03-23-2008, 10:42 AM
Wow, one or two kids is such a personal choice. I always wanted to have a big family. I was my mothers only child. She and my father divorced before I was old enough to know anything. He remarried, and had three daughters with his second wife. While I wouldn't have traded my life for anything, I always kind of wished that I had a brother or sister. When I met my wife, she had a daughter from an earlier marriage, but the daughter was living in Florida with her grandmother. We had our first child, and my wife informed me that was it, she was done. Well, as time went on, she began to realize that I really wasn't happy with just one child. Our daughter was 8 when my wife decided that she was up to having one more. When our daughter was 9, our son was born. Since my wife and I, and our children were sharing a 2 bedroom condo with my mother, we figured that was all the kids we needed. Then, when our son was about a year and a half old, my wifes first daughter called, and said she wanted to come visit with us during the summer. I had a feeling when I talked to her that she intended for the visit to last a bit more than the 18 days she was telling me about. That was nearly 3 years ago, and she is still with us.

If I had waited until I could completely afford my kids, I still wouldn't have any. I don't think you can ever really completely afford to have kids, but as long as you can make sure that they are cared for properly, that is really all that matters.

Ultimately, only you know how many kids you want to have. There are times that I think three are too many, but most of the time I'm glad that we have all three of them. There are certainly many rewarding moments in being a parent, and that many more when you are a parent of multiple kids.

RayJay
03-23-2008, 10:45 AM
Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing :rotfl2: ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose! :lmao:

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. :laughing: And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.:)


After one we said no more, the next one came and it's been the best thing, I couldn't imagine not having him.

Kids are awesome no matter how many you have.

Good Luck
RayJay

Tomh
03-23-2008, 12:01 PM
For what it is worth, I work two jobs, about 60 hours a week, and occasionally do side work here and there as well. It is a lot, and I sometimes regret being away from the house so much, but I am home during the day when ever there is a school vacation, including all summer long, so that makes up for it a bit, and in the long run it is well worth it.

loco4dis
03-23-2008, 02:17 PM
For what it is worth, I work two jobs, about 60 hours a week, and occasionally do side work here and there as well. It is a lot, and I sometimes regret being away from the house so much, but I am home during the day when ever there is a school vacation, including all summer long, so that makes up for it a bit, and in the long run it is well worth it.

Hey, don't have any regrets. Showing your kids how to work and make their own way in the world — financially independent from others — is the best gift you can give them!

happygirl
03-23-2008, 02:35 PM
we have two, they are 17 months apart, I feel bad for kids with no siblings, I can't image not having sibling to play with

RNMOM
03-23-2008, 06:49 PM
I'm going to add my opinion without reading all the pages inbetween this one and the first.

I have two sons 18 months apart. I was never even sure I wanted to have one child but fell in love so hard during my early pregnancy that the second was just a natural progression. We both knew 2 was it for us. I can honestly say you will not have difficulty loving your children any more or less than the other. Actually, liking one or the other can be a challenge at times but love is never a problem. :lmao:

If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

TarzansKat
03-23-2008, 07:54 PM
Wow, one or two kids is such a personal choice. I always wanted to have a big family. I was my mothers only child. She and my father divorced before I was old enough to know anything. He remarried, and had three daughters with his second wife. While I wouldn't have traded my life for anything, I always kind of wished that I had a brother or sister. When I met my wife, she had a daughter from an earlier marriage, but the daughter was living in Florida with her grandmother. We had our first child, and my wife informed me that was it, she was done. Well, as time went on, she began to realize that I really wasn't happy with just one child. Our daughter was 8 when my wife decided that she was up to having one more. When our daughter was 9, our son was born. Since my wife and I, and our children were sharing a 2 bedroom condo with my mother, we figured that was all the kids we needed. Then, when our son was about a year and a half old, my wifes first daughter called, and said she wanted to come visit with us during the summer. I had a feeling when I talked to her that she intended for the visit to last a bit more than the 18 days she was telling me about. That was nearly 3 years ago, and she is still with us.

If I had waited until I could completely afford my kids, I still wouldn't have any. I don't think you can ever really completely afford to have kids, but as long as you can make sure that they are cared for properly, that is really all that matters.

Ultimately, only you know how many kids you want to have. There are times that I think three are too many, but most of the time I'm glad that we have all three of them. There are certainly many rewarding moments in being a parent, and that many more when you are a parent of multiple kids.

Thank you for providing an honest male perspective, and I read your later post, and was so surprised to hear you worrying about not be home enough. The fact that you care enough to think that proves that you're obviously involved when you're home, and really care enough to provide for your children. I wish you and your family the best, and thank you for trying to help! :)

TarzansKat
03-23-2008, 08:09 PM
Well, DISers, I find the debate still raging within me. My heart really wants another child, but my head is all sorts of confused. It's a big decision so I don't want to take it lightly. I just feel at this point, the fact that we already make so little...don't want to post exact salaries but its not even close to where we should be...

And then there's the total and complete lack of support from my side of the family. DH's side is the type wonder why we haven't already (big Italian family). My mom, however, feels that I can't handle two kids right now and has told me this. She also has pretty much expressed that she will not watch two, nor would I want her to (she works from home, it would be too much), so I know I'd have to be a SAHM, which is what I would prefer at this point anyway. I should probably add that there is a seven year age difference between myself and my sister, and although I understand that works for some families, that is not at all what I want for myself. She thinks I should wait until my DS is in school full time to even think about trying. Yikes, by first grade, he'd be 6...I know that she doesn't mean it to come out this way but almost feel like it's pick my life, do what I did, you can't handle anything more...

The whole problem with that is losing that little salary I do make in a year, and all hinging on DH carrying our health insurance. :confused3 Not to sound crazy but some days I just want to bang my head agains the wall and :sad1: I am so unhappy with my life as it is currently. I am fully aware that a baby will not "fix" that, and that's not what I'm looking for at all. I've been working in the same position for the past two years as a bank teller, and I've had some good and some bad experiences. This year, since we have no bank manager, our vacations still haven't been approved. Hello? It's almost April....I have nothing to look forward to, people, how do you want me to put on my happy face to the rotten customer who yelled at me last week and had me in tears because she kept berating me while I was waiting on her...

That huge thud was me getting off my soapbox....sorry for the rant/vent...I just figured if anyone would understand, it'd be you guys. Thanks for listening. :)

bdcp
03-23-2008, 08:13 PM
If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

I have a real issue when people post the reason not to have children has to do with the "state of the world". Believe me, the world is no worse off now than it was 100 yeas ago or 25 years ago or ever. It's actually better in most ways. People are healthier, live longer, we have modern medicine, technology, and the ability to visit that world. There is not more poverty, or famine. We all actually have it pretty darn good. There have always been wars, famine, injustice, societal issues and there always will be. What does any of that have to do with having a second child? My boys are 28 months apart and now grown (24 and 21) and my DH wanted 4 years between them. Boy, is he glad we didn't wait that long. 4 years, they have very little in common, it's a large age gap when you have a 4 and 8 year old, 8 and 12 year old, etc. Children are usually competetive for parents time and attention. Also, when we had them, the economy was worse than it is now and there were wars, famine, social problems and life happened.

Everything old is new again.

And Tarzanskat, my DH took a 60% pay cut when he left the navy in 1985 and I was home full time. We cut back and had DS (21) in 1986 and I still stayed home and we just watched our pennies. I will never ever regret having both or staying home with them. I think I would have regretted not having #2 and working while they were young. They really didnt' care that we didn't have a big house with a big back yard, but they did know that I was there to take them places and do things with them and volunteer in their classrooms every week. I went back to work pt when they were 12 and 14 in time to prepare for college payments. No, we didnt' save ahead for college because we didnt' have the money, but I dont' regret that either. When I went back to work, we didnt' have to pay for daycare and every penny I made was "extra".

Sometimes people just overthink every decision. If you want #2, and DH is fine with it, go for it.

TarzansKat
03-23-2008, 08:23 PM
And Tarzanskat, my DH took a 60% pay cut when he left the navy in 1985 and I was home full time. We cut back and had DS (21) in 1986 and I still stayed home and we just watched our pennies. I will never ever regret having both or staying home with them. I think I would have regretted not having #2 and working while they were young. They really didnt' care that we didn't have a big house with a big back yard, but they did know that I was there to take them places and do things with them and volunteer in their classrooms every week. I went back to work pt when they were 12 and 14 in time to prepare for college payments. No, we didnt' save ahead for college because we didnt' have the money, but I dont' regret that either. When I went back to work, we didnt' have to pay for daycare and every penny I made was "extra".

Sometimes people just overthink every decision. If you want #2, and DH is fine with it, go for it.

Can I just say thank you so much for posting that! It so helps me to hear from someone who made that choice to stay home and does not regret it. I have a big fear of not being set for retirement after having watched my parents and DH's have tons of issues with it, and very little saved in some cases, so that's one of my big fears. If I could figure out a way to stay home and still save some, that would make me :cloud9:

dreamer17555
03-23-2008, 08:32 PM
When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

loco4dis
03-23-2008, 08:36 PM
I'm going to add my opinion without reading all the pages inbetween this one and the first.

I have two sons 18 months apart. I was never even sure I wanted to have one child but fell in love so hard during my early pregnancy that the second was just a natural progression. We both knew 2 was it for us. I can honestly say you will not have difficulty loving your children any more or less than the other. Actually, liking one or the other can be a challenge at times but love is never a problem. :lmao:

If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

I appreciate that this was simply your opinion, as is your perspective on "the state of the country right now." My perspective is that this is an awesome country in which to raise a child. In my humble opinion, a child born in this country is a child blessed. He/she has a wide open future unfettered by tyranny and oppression, something children in many other countries will never, ever have. The opportunities children in this country have to reach their highest potential is truly awe-inspiring. There are lots of reasons not to have more children, but the fact that they will be American children is not one of them, in my humble opinion.

TarzansKat
03-23-2008, 08:39 PM
When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

Thank you for sharing your difficult, and rewarding experience. I hope a little :wizard: will help you with the health issues, and that you are all doing well now! :hug:

LisaNJ25
03-23-2008, 09:14 PM
Im not a good one to answer.. somehow I ended up with 4 kids:rotfl2:

I don't think I could imagine what it would of been having only one.. than sometimes when my oldest is acting up I think about how I am 33 and in 3 years he could be out of the house and I could be kid free

I will add.. I love having a large age gap. Having the last 2 12 months apart has turned my hair grey.

Family Fun Mom
03-24-2008, 01:15 AM
I'm always a little mystified by these types of conversations. If you wait and weigh every single pro and con to starting or adding to a family it would just never happen. The decision would be impossible because perfection does not exist. A certain degree of responsibility is needed; a good marriage, a decent job, a roof over your heads, ect. Other than that, if you want kids, have some. Then you make it work.

When we had our first we were young, dumb, and pretty poor (enlisted military, practically no pay, lol). But we made it work. She was the light of our lives from the second she arrived. So much so that we had another just over a year later. Still young, still dumb, and still poor, but it worked. We've been very happy. We thought we were done, but #3 surprised us four years later. Older, not so dumb, and solidly middle class, and we still made it work. Frankly, I didn't find it much different being older and more financially stable. I never thought of it that way. We just did what we had to do. It's life. You just roll with it and enjoy the ride.

I say stop worrying so much. And certainly don't plan your life around what negative family members have to say. If you have a loving marriage and you both have the ache for another baby then just go for it. It may not always be easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I don't see how you'd regret it.

Oh, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years and have never regretted that decision either. Not for one single second. I take great pride in it. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Good luck!

Family Fun Mom
03-24-2008, 01:19 AM
When I had DD (Now 6) I said I was done. She was a preemie and I have a heart condition and it was horrible and once she came home and I let myself fall head over heels in love with her I said I would not risk not being in her life by having another child (my pregnancy was life threatening and I spent three months in the hospital). I had my tubes tied.

And yet somehow I became that stupid tiny precental. My Ob told me I should think about terminating for my own health and I will tell you that it was a painful time in our home. I would look at my DD and cry because I was so afraid of something happening and not being there for her but since I knew how hard she had fought (she was born at 32 weeks) and how much she just wanted to live I knew I couldn't terminate.

A lot of people told me it was the wrong choice. DH was one of them. I knew he would love the child but he was so worried. And there were times where I doubted the choice myself. It was a horrible pregnancy. I spent 7 months in a hospital missing my DD and was told that the baby (a boy) was not growing (IUGR) I was told he would not make it but he did. He is now 1 and apart from being a little small is perfect. My DH and DD and myself are in love with him and I don't know how to explain it but we all just fit.

I believe somethings just happen for a reason. And life can never be planned. (That being said after my DS I had my tubes burned on top of already being tied- no more freak stats for me!)

-Becca-

Wow. That is an amazing story with a wonderful ending. You must have incredible inner strength. I'm amazed. :worship:

buzz5985
03-24-2008, 01:43 AM
I'm another one that didn't exactly choose to have an only child. That choice was taken from me. I had 4 miscarriages, one live birth. Two before and two after. I finally looked at DH and told him I just couldn't go through it again.

So before everyone makes the decision than onlies are spoiled rotten, etc. you don't know their history. The parents could just be grateful that the child is alive.

LoveBWVVBR
03-24-2008, 06:07 AM
I'm always a little mystified by these types of conversations. If you wait and weigh every single pro and con to starting or adding to a family it would just never happen. The decision would be impossible because perfection does not exist. A certain degree of responsibility is needed; a good marriage, a decent job, a roof over your heads, ect. Other than that, if you want kids, have some. Then you make it work.

When we had our first we were young, dumb, and pretty poor (enlisted military, practically no pay, lol). But we made it work. She was the light of our lives from the second she arrived. So much so that we had another just over a year later. Still young, still dumb, and still poor, but it worked. We've been very happy. We thought we were done, but #3 surprised us four years later. Older, not so dumb, and solidly middle class, and we still made it work. Frankly, I didn't find it much different being older and more financially stable. I never thought of it that way. We just did what we had to do. It's life. You just roll with it and enjoy the ride.

I say stop worrying so much. And certainly don't plan your life around what negative family members have to say. If you have a loving marriage and you both have the ache for another baby then just go for it. It may not always be easy, but nothing worthwhile is easy. I don't see how you'd regret it.

Oh, and I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 11 years and have never regretted that decision either. Not for one single second. I take great pride in it. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Good luck!

The OP is worried about not having health insurance for her family when she has to leave her job to have #2, though. That is a BIG deal, any way you slice it. It's not like trying to get by with less money. It could be the difference between bankrupting your family over an illness and remaining solvent. She is not worrying unnecessarily over that IMHO.

budbeerlady
03-24-2008, 07:06 AM
I'm another one that didn't exactly choose to have an only child. That choice was taken from me. I had 4 miscarriages, one live birth. Two before and two after. I finally looked at DH and told him I just couldn't go through it again.

So before everyone makes the decision than onlies are spoiled rotten, etc. you don't know their history. The parents could just be grateful that the child is alive.

:grouphug: and :thumbsup2

bigdisneygroup
03-24-2008, 09:55 AM
I don't feel I can answer you in terms of what is right for you, but I can tell you that I have thirteen and wouldn't give one of them back. My DH and I had decided to allow God to decide how many we would have. That's been tough to stick with at times, we never expected this many. :) One thing you don't have to worry about is having enough love to go around for your child(ren), love doesn't divide, it multiplies. I love each one of mine as much as the one before. My best wishes to you in whatever decision you make. I know it must be a tough one.

TarzansKat
03-24-2008, 09:56 AM
The OP is worried about not having health insurance for her family when she has to leave her job to have #2, though. That is a BIG deal, any way you slice it. It's not like trying to get by with less money. It could be the difference between bankrupting your family over an illness and remaining solvent. She is not worrying unnecessarily over that IMHO.

DH has been dropping hints at work in regard to the expense of things, health insurance, etc. This is what works best with his employers. It's a mom & pop style operation, but a franchise, so there are certain rules, but he's gotten more than the normal amount of raises since he's been working there, and they are very good to us. They treat our DS like a grandchild, and we know there DH has job security. Therefore, although he's not pulling down "the big bucks" we are glad he has a position that's stable. We'll have to see how that pans out.

Personally at this point, aside from whether or not we throw another baby into the mix, we are trying to figure out a way for me to stay home, and perhaps work a schedule opposite to DH's that way one of us is always home with DS. We still plan to send DS to preschool two days a week in the fall, but where I'd send him hinges on if I'm working. So lots of things going on. Mom and I had a bit of falling out yesterday...don't you love family holidays? I was mega stressed and feeling totally unsupported, and blurted out that I wanted to have another child and be able to stay at home and I didn't appreciate her telling me I wasn't capable. Ugh...I hate those kinds of fights. Today she informed me it was my life and she couldn't make those decisions for me. :confused: Well, we all do remember Thumper right? If you can't say something nice...

So this where we are now. DH and I know we would like to, but I am still :scared1: of how to make it work financially. I know there have been many posters who said you figure it out, and to a certain extent that is true, but I am the type of gal who likes a plan, even if we don't end up sticking to it completely, at least you have a direction you know you can go in. :)