PDA

View Full Version : OT What Would You Do? Mean Girls


loveabargin
03-14-2008, 12:41 AM
My DD9 (almost 10) has been acting like a teen all week, very moody and cries easily (a little early for this, I thought). Anyhow, today, she came home in tears (she's had practice after school most days this week for a performance). Here's what happened today:

Another girl (a year older than my DD) got really mean with her at practice. My DD accidentally stepped on her foot and she told her "If you touch any part of my body again, I'm going to rip out all of your hair"...then, she took my daughter's hair in her hands and then let go of it and said "no, I'm not going to do it this time". I asked my DD what she said to that and she said nothing. My DD is super sweet and pretty shy, and a little clumsy too. I think this girl must have something to do with my daughter's mood all week since they've been together for practices everyday after school. They have to spend time "in the wings" waiting and she's right beside my DD.

Anyhow, I can't sleep. I'm mad. The performance is tomorrow night and all I can think of is "should I say something to the girl to warn her that I know?", should I take her mother aside and tell her and let her handle it...and possibly make it worse for my DD. I hate conflict, and I know this is the first of many that I will have to deal with...but what's the right thing to do? It's almost 1am and I can't sleep!:confused3 :headache: :confused:

FSUDisneyGirl
03-14-2008, 12:51 AM
I would also contact the director asap and let him/her know of the situation. I teach music to students your daughter's age, and we have an upcoming performance as well. I would never tolerate behavior like this...but I might what is going on because of the stress of final rehearsals!

However, I would be INCREDIBLY grateful if you came to talk with me, as I that behavior is totally unacceptable and needs to stop immediately...if I spoke to the girl about her threat and she said one more rude thing to your daughter, she would be out of the show....regardless of her part.

I've seen "teen-like" behavior and bullying (more from girls than boys) in my 4th and 5th grade classes this year. I think that it needs to be stopped early on! Some may say that kids can figure out their own problems, but if one student is moody and crying all week, and the other is older and threatening, chances are they need some help figuring things out.

:grouphug: and good luck!

loveabargin
03-14-2008, 01:01 AM
Thank you sooo much for your reply! My DD is in 4th and the other girl is in 5th. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong all week, though I knew it had to be something. I almost called the girl's mother this afternoon, but I decided to wait so I didn't do anything I would regret. Apparently the other girl is very very competitive...but my DD doesn't have a competitive bone in her body, so not sure what the deal is. Unfortunately, because my DD is so sweet, she probably makes an easy target for mean girls.

I will call her Music Teacher tomorrow and talk to her. Thanks for suggesting.

FSUDisneyGirl
03-14-2008, 01:42 AM
you're welcome! i realized i mis-typed earlier...what i meant was that i may miss problems going on between students because of the logistics of planning a show. :goodvibes

hope you get it all figured out!:thumbsup2

Eviie
03-14-2008, 02:52 AM
You may also want to talk to the coach (what is this for? soccer? music? sorry, i didn't really get what it was for) and tell him/her about the harassment.

torinsmom
03-14-2008, 06:40 AM
What does your daughter want you to do? Remember, she is a female, and sometimes we don't tell someone something so they will "fix" it; we just want someone to listen, LOL. I would follow her lead. Sometimes a call to the other child's parent will not accomplish anything but more problems, like the other girl telling all her friends to call your daughter a baby for having mommy deal with the problem(I have seen this happen) If your daughter can't handle it herself, I would speak to the adult in charge and ask them to keep a watch out.

It would actually be best if your DD would speak up to her and let her know that she isn't scared of her and doesn't appreciate being spoken to in that way. She needs to take her to the side, because bullies are insecure when they aren't surrounded by an audience. Unfortunately, she is probably going to deal with this kind of thing again and again, and it is better if she learns to deal with it directly. I teach my 3-6 year olds how to do this, and stand by as they problem solve. Sometimes, I will over hear "I don't like the way you're treating me", and then a discussion about how they are going to work it out. ;)

Marsha

grlpwrd
03-14-2008, 06:48 AM
What does your daughter want you to do? Remember, she is a female, and sometimes we don't tell someone something so they will "fix" it; we just want someone to listen, LOL. I would follow her lead. Sometimes a call to the other child's parent will not accomplish anything but more problems, like the other girl telling all her friends to call your daughter a baby for having mommy deal with the problem(I have seen this happen) If your daughter can't handle it herself, I would speak to the adult in charge and ask them to keep a watch out.

It would actually be best if your DD would speak up to her and let her know that she isn't scared of her and doesn't appreciate being spoken to in that way. She needs to take her to the side, because bullies are insecure when they aren't surrounded by an audience. Unfortunately, she is probably going to deal with this kind of thing again and again, and it is better if she learns to deal with it directly. I teach my 3-6 year olds how to do this, and stand by as they problem solve. Sometimes, I will over hear "I don't like the way you're treating me", and then a discussion about how they are going to work it out. ;)

Marsha

I agree that the OP's daughter should speak up for herself first.

The worse thing would be for the other girl to use the fact "mommy" or another adult helped her which would only add fuel to the fire.

I hate confrontation, too, but our kids need to learn how to deal with these kinds of people.

GL!

HeyIt'sMe
03-14-2008, 07:20 AM
My DD is in 5th Grade and the drama is starting.

One of DD's friends has a boyfriend ... boyfriend's ex-girlfriend told DD's friend that she wanted him back ... so the friend said to ex-girlfriend if she tried anything she'd "rip her [insert profanity here] head off". Nice. Anyway, DD, and several other students got called into the counselor's office one by one to be questioned about what they knew about the situation.

Like you, I could tell something was wrong when DD got home from school. We talked about it and she was so upset. She freaked out when she got called to the counselor's office. She said "Oh Mom my legs were shaking and I felt like I wanted to cry!". She's a good kid - never in trouble, honor roll - I hate that she got pulled into the drama. BTW - she said she remembers her friend making the comment in a group conversation but obviously didn't think she was serious so didn't give it much thought (she was more shocked at the profane word said). And yes, it's disturbing to me that a girl my DD calls a friend would make a comment like that, with profanity or not.

And isn't 5th grade early for this?? :confused3 Maybe not.
Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

LubsPoohBear
03-14-2008, 07:37 AM
And isn't 5th grade early for this?? :confused3 Maybe not.
Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like :scared1: :scared1: :scared1: then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad :sad1: all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can:grouphug:

dis4me
03-14-2008, 08:25 AM
it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like :scared1: :scared1: :scared1: then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad :sad1: all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can:grouphug:

a 13 year old is having a baby.... Wow I must be living under a rock. My dd is 13 and we don't have those types of problems yet... Thank God.I know that some girls are dating not mine though but that is scary to think of someone her age pregnant.
Sorry OP I just couldn't believe when I read that. I do think you need to talk to the director so he/she can keep an eye on things.Also follow what your dd wants. She is the one who has to deal with the consequences.

TenThousandVolts
03-14-2008, 08:34 AM
What I would do:

I would talk to the director of the program and say "My daughter says that one of the other kids threatened her with physical violence. Can you please make an announcement to the group that if they have a conflict with another child and they are threatened or assaulted that they need to come and tell the adult in charge and that making violent threats will not be tolerated." This will get the message accross to the bullies and the potential victims at the same time.

I would not name the "bully" in this situation to the mother or the school unless there was a pattern of intimidation. One cruel comment- I think I would let that go. I am sure she will have a side of the story to tell also- whether it be true or false- that may just create more unwanted drama for your daughter- that is why I would ask the director to address the situation in a general way.

loveabargin
03-14-2008, 09:09 AM
I am sure she will have a side of the story to tell also- whether it be true or false- that may just create more unwanted drama for your daughter- that is why I would ask the director to address the situation in a general way.


I thought about this...I figured she would say my DD was being mean and stepping on her foot on purpose or something like that...drama!

UPDATE: I spoke with her Music director/teacher today and she was upset and apologized to me. I told her I didn't think she was responsible, but I wanted to bring it to her attention so that she could look out for my DD. She said she would and also tell the other teacher who was going to be backstage to look out for her too. She was very upset that this happened.

I talked to my DD this morning, who (thankfully) didn't seem upset in the light of day. I talked to her about bullies and how she needs to stand up for herself or she (mean girl) may continue this behavior. DD said she couldn't say anything mean to her...anyhow, DD doesn't want me to talk to the girl's mother (which I understand). I did think about saying something to the girl myself because I know that would have scared the crap out of me as a kid...not anything direct, just something vague so that maybe it scared her. I have to call the girl's mother about snacks for their after play party for next week...I thought I would just say to the girl "I need to call your mother, could you give me your phone number?" and leave it at that. It's true, but she can think what she wants about why I need to call her mother. My other girlfriend said this same girl started a "I hate (her daughter) Club" last year....lovely girl, huh?

ceecee
03-14-2008, 09:58 AM
We have started that here this year in 6th grade. My DD's friend has been picked on all year by one girl (history of this) and finally DD's other friend told the teacher because the girl being picked on refused to. The teacher made the girl write her an apology letter. We'll see if that makes it any better or any worse. I can't believe that girls can be so cruel, I just don't remember that happening when I was in school. Last year one mom called a girl's mom and told her that her daughter was harrassing her daughter and the mom said, "oh she's just jealous because she's not in the popular group like my daughter" I didn't believe it then, but I'm starting to see how it can happen with parents like that.

tinaluis
03-14-2008, 10:03 AM
And isn't 5th grade early for this?? :confused3 Maybe not.

Perhaps I was just a latebloomer - I was still playing with my Barbie Dolls when I was in 5th grade!

I thought so too but my DD's 4th grade teacher shared something with me two years ago. She said she originally chose to teach 4th because it was well before all the drama and meanness starts with the girls, but that she was seeing it start earlier and earlier and was actually having quite a year with the girls in her class. Scary that it starts so soon. Fortunately, DD was able to stay away from the drama, but I worry about my middle DD who will be in 4th grade next year.

sueh
03-14-2008, 10:18 AM
I think that bullies are starting a younger age. My dd is 7 (8 in May) and in the 2nd grade. Although there are all types of bullying in my opinion. There is a girl at school that all the other girls seem to gravitate towards. My daughter is for the most part shy and this girl is mean to her when it's convient for her. Other times she is mean to her.

They go to the same daycare and ride the bus to school together. The "other" girl sits behind my daughter and used to pull her hair and think it's funny. One other day she was distracting my dd while her friend stole her lunch out of her bag. I spoke to the teacher at the daycare and it was addressed. She was nicer to my daughter after that.
Fast forward a couple of months ago. A bunch of children were starting some book club (it was just kids) and asked for $ for dues ( how smart are these kids?) so a few of the kids gave their lunch $$ to this girl. My dd came home and was telling me about it. I was trying to get as much information as I could out of my dd (but it's like pulling teeth). Come to find out it wasn't a "school activity". I contacted the teacher at school and the guidance councilor got involved. All parties were spoken to and this little girl was suppose to return the $$. She didn't. When I dropped off my dd I told her that she needed to speak to this girl and ask for her $$ back. I stood in the doorway and my daughter came back saying that she will give it to her tomorrow. I told my daughter that I was proud of her for sticking up for herself and I said kind of louldy that if "the girl" did not give her money back by the end of today I was going to contact her mother.
When I picked my dd up in the afternoon she had her $$ and the girl has since been nice to my daughter.
She knows now that I am not fooling around and I will contact her mother.

GoofyGolferGirl
03-14-2008, 10:23 AM
I don't think the girl would be upset if you said something to her, I have seen kids that would smart off to an adult (not their parent) and they are only in the 4th and 5th grade! I would have NEVER talked to an adult like that! Some parents just don't care and they are not involved in their childs life.

suevee
03-14-2008, 10:24 AM
it s sad that things have changed so much since we were growing up.for me i was still playing with my dolls riding bike ect.. till around 13. my twins have given them up years ago there in the 7th grade and im scared for them.fights at school(bad ones not just the lil push and yelling from my day)kids going to drinking partys one of my dds friends will be having a baby in 4 months.. thats like :scared1: :scared1: :scared1: then drugs.. gangs ... guns. its just sad :sad1: all i can say is love them hug them be there all u can:grouphug:


I haven't read most of this post, but I really don't think things have changed so much when it comes to "mean girls". My daughter is 35, when she was 9 she was a victim of bullying.

Over a period of time I went to the teachers, the school counselor, the children's parents.....the result was the girls felt they were empowered and the bullying just got worse and sneakier. My daughter pleaded with me not to tell anyone again as it would just continue to escalate. As we were renters at the time, I just moved and put my daughter in a new school system. She did fine, but the results of that bullying affected her for a long time. She still remembers it.

So, be careful in how you handle it.....

The catalyst that started the bullying was she befriended an Arabian boy who did not speak much English, dressed differently, and smelled of strange spices that were used in his family's cooking. He was in the ESOL program. Our family has always had friends from different backgrounds and cultures. This boy was being hounded, she stood up for him and became the new victim. They made her life miserable for two years as only girls can but they left him alone. I have always been very proud of her.

HM
03-14-2008, 10:24 AM
a 13 year old is having a baby.... Wow I must be living under a rock. My dd is 13 and we don't have those types of problems yet... Thank God.I know that some girls are dating not mine though but that is scary to think of someone her age pregnant.
Sorry OP I just couldn't believe when I read that. I do think you need to talk to the director so he/she can keep an eye on things.Also follow what your dd wants. She is the one who has to deal with the consequences.


I remember when my son started 6th grade a few years ago. The first thing they talked about in PE/Health was sex, drugs, and stuff (the booklet they were supposed to read with their parents was aimed at teens because the examples were all 16/17 year olds). I asked the counselor was this appropriate for their age group, that I didn't like that it was the FIRST thing to talk about in class. She said it was appropriate, because they already had an incoming 6th grader (11 yr old) that was expecting a baby! I was blown away by that. I still think they needed different materials to use, but I could see the point of that unit of Health. We didn't have that until 8th grade when I was a kid.

Pixie Dust for Me!
03-14-2008, 11:19 AM
Wow, makes me glad I have a boy!

Sorry, that likely came out all wrong. All I can say to the OP is that once, I saw a group of girls from my son's class behaving in an inappropriate way (In Kindergarten) and I went to them and told them to stop it immediately. One girl (who has since left the school, thank goodness!) said she could do whatever she wanted to...I told her in no uncertain terms that she could not. I was the grown-up and said no and meant it. She called me a witch (with a b) and I said, "darn right and proud of it. I'm the meanest one of them all...just ask my son."

Well, that shut her up and I never had another problem with her again (or any other girl either). Just glad she left in 3rd grade.

Guess I'll have to watch out for that "mean girl" streak. I wish I knew what to tell you to do.

I think I would be inclined to go to the little girl in question with her mother in tow and tell both of them that if the little girl EVER threatend my daughter again, the police would be handling the matter. Threatening someone with bodily harm is battery and she can be arrested and prosecuted for it.

Good luck and let us know how it all goes.

Karen

4fosterkids
03-14-2008, 11:44 AM
After having 3 boys go thru school, our daughter is currently 9 and in 4th grade. I am constantly shocked at the drama and attitudes of girls compared to boys. And much of it started in 2nd grade. I couldn't believe it.
She has had one girl in particular, bother her since Kindergarten. This girl is just a mean spirit in general and always trying to turn the story around to make her look like the victim. The school knows but of course can't be around 24/7 to monitor the conversations. My daughter has learned how to ignore her and keep her distance.
I am surprised at the daily drama of who is friends with who one day to the next. One day she's happy, the next in tears and the next day friends with whomever caused the tears. I just try to tell her to be kind, no matter what. I hate kids getting picked on.
It's definitely not the same world as when we were kids!

Mickeyorbust
03-14-2008, 12:05 PM
I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. :hug: Went through this when oldest daughter was 8/9. My daughter was not shy but a very kind and sensitive person. There was one girl who decided she didn't like my daughter and bullied (more like emotionaly tortured) her for two years. Their entire class feared the bully and wouldn't talk to my daughter because the bully might target them. During DD's 5th grade year she had zero friends in school. It got so bad my daughter became overweight and almost failed 5th grade because she would get sick to her stomach atleast twice a weak and couldn't go to school because of it. I had to threaten to take legal action against the school if they didn't promote her, because they made absolutley no attempt to stop the bullying. Her parents were prominent and wealthy members of the associated church. So ofcourse they were afraid to intervene because that might make her parents angry and that would mean losing her parents money. It still makes me angry, sad, disgusted to think about it. In the end the only thing I could do for her was to change schools. She is now very happy in school and has lots of friends. She has also learned to stand up for herself. My advice would be to encourage your daughter to stand up for herself, bullies usually back down when challenged. And only step in if it gets worse.

Disney loving Iowan
03-14-2008, 08:56 PM
I'm glad you have talked to the teacher and not the mother. In my experience that was a huge mistake. My daughter was having problems with a couple girls and when I told the one mom her response was kids will be kids. She couldn't care one bit. It got pretty ugly. My sister also had a problem when she was a kid and when my mom talked to the girls mom she said the same exact thing, kids will be kids. I guess this tells you where the kids get the behavior from. My daughter is now in high school and I let her try to solve her problems herself. If however I ever need to step in I will go to the principal.

PrincessKsMom
03-14-2008, 09:26 PM
I'm the mother of a daughter, age 12. In pre-K she was picked on by a bully. The girl would tell the boys to take toys away from her, would ask her to play, then laugh at her and say things like: do you really think I'd play with you? I tried to get DD to stick up for herself, but she never did. Went to teacher who did absolutely nothing. My daughter spent at least 3 days a week in the nurse's office complaining of stomach aches. Finally took her to a pediatric gastroenterologist who put the tube down her throat to make sure nothing was wrong. Long story short, had my daughter stood up for herself, it all would have ended much earlier. My daughter, and yours, need to learn to stick up for themselves. We won't always be there to protect them and after a while, when they get older, they stop telling you about things like that. If they don't have the nerve to stand up for themselves it will continue all through life. I too was picked on as a child, but the older I got I decided I'd had about enough and wasn't going to stand for it.

I'd just like to point out a few things: (1) I don't think you should EVER talk directly to the bully -- I'd be furious if another parent, who I didn't know approached my child and/or threatened her, or even alluded to a threat; (2) hate to point this out, but with hormones raging, what is devasting today isn't even a blip on the radar tomorrow; (3) teach your daughter to stand up for herself, or she'll always be a victim. At the same time, take a good look at your kids (not OP specifically, but everyone in general), they may not be the angels you think they are. My daughter is very much like me, which I readily admit isn't always a good thing, and I know exactly what she's capable of. I've seen/heard my little angel be fresh or dismissive to other kids when she doesn't think I'm listening. She's been the victim, and I wouldn't say she's bullied, but she sure isn't the little angel I once knew either, especially as the teen years get closer and the PMS rages on! :rotfl:
As far as sex ed, my daughter goes to a Catholic school where they started sex ed and the DARE program (drug, alcohol abuse) last year in 5th grade. It's never too early. If you put your head in the sand and think it's too early, it's usually too late. Be open and honest with your kids and hopefully they'll come to you with questions, not their friends. It's all about open communication and helping them be proactive in their lives. If she can't stand up to a bully, what's going to make her stand up to a friend pushing drugs? The more confidence they build and the more comfortable they are with themselves, the better choices they'll make. :grouphug:

problemchild718
03-14-2008, 11:32 PM
I wouldn't speak to the child at all-1. if she is that mean-it will make it worse for your daughter. 2. You don't know the dynamics-belive it or not, some parent just don't care-hence the childs problems. 3. Kids are not what they were when we were kids, much more saavy, nervey and less fearful. You might even find she smarts off to you! Then you'd be even more irritated.
You are on the right track in speaking to the director. Now watch very carefully from a distance and see whats going on. Maybe offer to be a parent assistant in the future so you are there and can monitor the situation. Keep the communication open with your daughter and remember-they are growing up faster than we did.

ceopamom3
03-15-2008, 08:08 AM
I tried this at my DD 12s end of year soccer banquet. A girl she was usually friendly with was very mean to my DD. Would not let her sit down at a team table - and had other girls involved as well. My DD was beginning to cry, we got up to leave b/4 the party even really started - the coaches saw and intervened, and we sat back down. They sat my DD with other (always nice) team members. This girl had the nerve to walk by me and ask where DD was! I told her that I had seen what happened, and not to talk to my DD again unless she would be kind (yes, I used those words). Did not stand up or raise my voice..

That night when we got home, her mother called screaming at me that I had ruined her child's night. That I had pulled her aside (I had a broken leg at the time, and didn't stand up all night... really) and yelled at her. Let me tell you, I think most of these children get the mean streak and bullying examples from their home life! I would advocate involving a neutral party - just as the OP did to resolve these issues. Not only was this woman not helpful, she was in complete denial that her daughter could even do such a thing.

Sufficed to say - nothing was gained. I, of course, assumed there was background - it takes two to fight and all that- and was looking for my DDs share of the blame. Turns out they had a minor tuff at shool, and the other girl escalated to a whole new level.

It is a shame these things happen. We are just entering the pre-teen and teen years .. yikes!

castleview
03-15-2008, 08:19 AM
I tried this at my DD 12s end of year soccer banquet. A girl she was usually friendly with was very mean to my DD. Would not let her sit down at a team table - and had other girls involved as well. My DD was beginning to cry, we got up to leave b/4 the party even really started - the coaches saw and intervened, and we sat back down. They sat my DD with other (always nice) team members. This girl had the nerve to walk by me and ask where DD was! I told her that I had seen what happened, and not to talk to my DD again unless she would be kind (yes, I used those words). Did not stand up or raise my voice..

That night when we got home, her mother called screaming at me that I had ruined her child's night. That I had pulled her aside (I had a broken leg at the time, and didn't stand up all night... really) and yelled at her. Let me tell you, I think most of these children get the mean streak and bullying examples from their home life! I would advocate involving a neutral party - just as the OP did to resolve these issues. Not only was this woman not helpful, she was in complete denial that her daughter could even do such a thing.

Sufficed to say - nothing was gained. I, of course, assumed there was background - it takes two to fight and all that- and was looking for my DDs share of the blame. Turns out they had a minor tuff at shool, and the other girl escalated to a whole new level.

It is a shame these things happen. We are just entering the pre-teen and teen years .. yikes!

I'm confused. Do you think you handled it incorrectly. Because I don't. I bet the kid doesn't mess with yours anymore - but you never know. Anyway, good job Mom!

DVCajun
03-15-2008, 08:30 AM
I'm confused. Do you think you handled it incorrectly. Because I don't. I bet the kid doesn't mess with yours anymore - but you never know. Anyway, good job Mom!

I think her point was that, while she didn't do anything out of line, her actions also didn't achieve her objective and in fact may have made things worse. I agree that many times bullies learn their behavior patterns at home. It's a cliche in the movies, isn't it? "Butch" messes with nice little Johnny and later you see "Butch's" daddy smashing beer cans on his forehead swearing to beat up little Johnny's daddy too?

shortbun
03-15-2008, 08:50 AM
I hope that some adult will put a stop to this girl's bullying. Aas an adult who works with children, I do not tolerate this kind of behavior. I see it from girls as young as kindergarten who are trying it out. It amazes me that they are so mean. I've written up bullying on many occasions. Yesterday, I wrote up 3 high school boys for it. Last week, two middle school girls. These kids have had no training about bullying and sometimes argue with me that they are not bullying. I wish schools would take a no tolerance stand. My son's school had a no bullying program in place a few years ago but we changed principals and the new one let it drop.

rhiansmom
03-15-2008, 10:29 AM
I want to thank everyone for their ideas, while I'm not the OP, I just last night called my mom for advice. My DD is in a dance class where she is one of three of the youngest girls. They range from 8-13 and I guess at the last class one of the 11-12 yera olds asked "who wants (my daughter) out of the this class raise your hand" and all but my daughter and her 2 friends raised their hands and my daughter spent the class locked in the bathroom crying.

I just found out and had been trying to figure out what to do about the situation. I am going to go into the school today and talk to the director.

Disneyonmymind
03-15-2008, 02:15 PM
For some reason, my DD11 has not had much trouble with this issue (knock on wood). She is in a group of very nice girls who don't give each other any grief. Well, there is one trouble maker but the girls seem wise to her trouble, so her "meanness" has been mostly neutralized.

But, the "popular" boys in 6th grade are soooo mean and nasty to the other boys who are not in their group. They are terrible - making fun, calling names, trying to get them in "trouble" for things that they did not do, or convincing them to do bad things to be accepted. Meantime, they are clever enough to fool the teachers into thinking they are good. It makes me sick because my DN11 is one they choose to pick on. I can see how it has changed his personality. This type of thing started in 4th grade - but just with the boys. :confused3

crisi
03-15-2008, 02:39 PM
I'm 41. When I was in sixth grade we had an eleven year old get pregnant. We had bullying in very low grades. I had the opportunity to be part of school integration in the mid-South in the 1970s - that was an experience in how young bullying and inappropriate behaviors exist. It hasn't changed. What has changed is the depth of the issues - used to be that you were fairly protected in certain social-economic situations from much risk of exposure, now these things seem to crop up across socio-economic boundries - probably because we don't segregate ourselves by those socio-economic boundries like we used to.

Oh, my father was born to a fifteen year old mother - who had a shotgun wedding to his bio father (they later divorced). The only difference between 1946 and now is that now they wouldn't have bothered with a marriage that lasted two years.

jennilouwho
03-15-2008, 06:25 PM
I remember the mean girls when I was in school! It was awful and I felt I was constantly picked on for my "four eyes" or my flat chest or whatever they felt like picking on me about that day. I think 4th grade through middle school is the worst for young girls. However, now that I've been out of school for 10 years, I can see that the bullies actually had rough lives at home. They had low self esteem and they didn't have parents that taught them how to behave. So I definitely think that talking to the mother would probably not help the situation. I feel for your daughter though, it's not a fun phase of life to go through.

TENIA66
03-15-2008, 06:35 PM
Girls can really be creeps!!! My daughter went through this and through this and then she quit talking about having trouble with girls being mean to her. Come to find out, she was being one of the mean ones. I'll pray for you and hope for the best. She's 13 now and is a wonderful person but during 9 to 12 it was quite heck. She thought the only way not to be the victim was to be a part of the bully pack. Getting bullied by an older girl put it back into perspective for her and she has become a friend to most of the girls.

Best of luck!!

barbmouse
03-15-2008, 09:30 PM
I think you have handled the situation well OP by contacting the director. I just wanted to recommend a book for the Moms. It is Queenbees and Wannabes, the book on which the movie Mean Girls is based. It is interesting reading. You can see the different roles in the girls and your dd as you read. It also has good advice for handling situations.

willoughbyclan
03-15-2008, 11:00 PM
[QUOTE=barbmouse;23822360]I think you have handled the situation well OP by contacting the director. I just wanted to recommend a book for the Moms. It is Queenbees and Wannabes, the book on which the movie Mean Girls is based. It is interesting reading. You can see the different roles in the girls and your dd as you read. It also has good advice for handling situations.[/QUOTE

I agree as well. My DDs are 12 and soon to be 15 and we have already had our fair share. Just last mth one of DD14's softball teammates sent her a threatening text message. She didn't want my DD to be on the team and told her as much and also that if she my DD14 chose to join the team her time on the team would be hell. I immediately took the text to the softball coach who happens to be also be the athletic director for the school (after clearing it with DD14). Needless to say he wasn't very happy:mad: and handled the situation for us. No more threatening text messages.:) I know the girl's mother and it wouldn't have done me any good to talk to her, probably would have made it worse. The girl has learned this behavior from her mother.

I think the only thing I would have done differently would have been to involve the counselor. This would have documented her behavior on her school record in case it is needed in the future.

Good luck to you, I know it isn't easy knowing where your boundaries are, I find myself seeking advice from people who have children slightly older than my DDs as well. This isn't something I can seek advice from my mother about, I might have been blind to this type of behavior when I was in middle or high school but I certainly don't remember having to deal with what girls deal with today.:confused3

PrincessKsMom
03-15-2008, 11:02 PM
Girls can really be creeps!!! My daughter went through this and through this and then she quit talking about having trouble with girls being mean to her. Come to find out, she was being one of the mean ones. I'll pray for you and hope for the best. She's 13 now and is a wonderful person but during 9 to 12 it was quite heck. She thought the only way not to be the victim was to be a part of the bully pack. Getting bullied by an older girl put it back into perspective for her and she has become a friend to most of the girls.

Best of luck!!

I'd like to commend the poster for admitting that her daughter was, at one time, one of the bullies. It really scares me how many parents think their children are absolute angels; some of them may be, but I think parents need to take off their rose colored classes and be realistic. (This is NOT directed at OP or anyone else here in particular). I'm just really tired of hearing how Little Susie is so wonderful and Little Bobby is so sensitive and they would NEVER do anything like be mean to someone else. :confused3 My daughter has a "Little Bobby" in her class who makes fun of one particular boy because his mother was killed on 9/11 and also punches and hits the other boys. Little Bobby's mother thinks her child is an absolutely angel and can't imagine why the other children always pick on him and won't play with him. "Little Bobby" reminds me of Damien from the Omen and I swear, I'm not exaggerating, I really believe "Little Bobby" is going to grow up to be another Columbine shooter or something equally hideous. The child seriously needs psychiatric help and mommy just can't see it. In his case it's always someone elses fault. :mad: Sorry to vent here, it's just frustrating. BTW, I'd like to add that when my daughter does something mean, rude, etc. I make her apologize. Her best friend's mom doesn't think it's appropriate because it's embarrassing for the offender -- sorry, but if she can be mean, rude or embarass someone else, she needs to apologize in front of everyone else. I believe it's not only the right thing to do, but it teaches them that saying sorry IS NOT a bad thing. Just my opinion. :grouphug:

klj27
03-16-2008, 08:57 AM
This is a great resource book called [U]Reviving Ophelia[U]. I recommend it. Good luck to you.

http://www.amazon.com/Reviving-Ophelia-Saving-Selves-Adolescent/dp/1594481881/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205672990&sr=8-1

daisax
03-16-2008, 09:34 AM
As someone who was bullied mercilessly in 5th and 6th grade in the early 70s, I don't think all that much has changed. I will say that standing up to the bullies doesn't always work -- that's how I got the target on my back, by defending a kid in class who nowadays would probably be considered Special Needs but in those days was just labeled "weird." The mean girls were picking on her, I told them to knock it off, and my life was a living hell for the next 2 years, up to and including telling the teacher that I broke into his desk in an attempt to get me into serious trouble.

They tried to get me to join them in picking on her (and others), but I didn't. I'm glad in a sense that I stuck to my guns, but it was pretty horrible. A petty part of me rejoiced in jr. high when most of the girls in question ended up being burnouts and one pregnant in high school. I'm sure their home lives were probably bad.

Because of my own experiences I've always been puzzled by the depiction of bullying in tv and movies as a high school phenomenon -- in our town it was largely over by the end of 7th grade, as "the rest" of the kids realized how stupid it was to kow tow to bullies and instead people formed their own little social groups that maybe didn't interact that much but weren't hostile. We had a pretty drama free high school.