View Full Version : Feeling REALLY Upset and Fed up

Theresa Hudson
03-07-2002, 08:55 AM
I really need you guys today.

I think I have got myself in to a bit of a state.

Dana was ill on Monday (and I mean ill, being sick, upset stomach couldn’t even keep water down. I was very worried) and so I rang in work, didn’t lie told them the truth and that I would be in the next day. So the next day (as we have poxy time sheets) I asked what I should log the day against. Well, it went on like a tennis match, ask Sue, ask Tracey, it’s up to Colin (my line manager), oh I’ll have to ask Ian (the software development manager). Silence until yesterday, when I was informed by my line manager. I have asked Karen (HR person) and she says it has to go down as out of office and it is unpaid leave. Well, I couldn’t quite believe it. I know this is what our contract says, but everywhere else I have worked when it is a genuine case and only a day they have been compassionate. I should have known better really when I even had to take a day leave for my Uncle’s funeral.

I reacted very badly yesterday and got myself very very upset. Not about the not being paid, after all my daughter’s health is much more important than a days pay. I think I was upset with the fact that I was honest with them and there just doesn’t seem to be any reciprocal respect there. I was still tired with being up with Dana and there are other things going on a work. We have a new PM (Shaun maybe you can help here) and he loves he’s meeting ‘wash up’ etc etc and we keep all being told how he is going to be talking to us all and monitoring us to see if we meet targets and if not why not. Also, he is now going to move us all around so that we sit in Project Teams, so we communicate better (yeah sure). I know the theory for this is OK, but there is only about 50 of us in the whole IT department and we will loose the team spirit we have with all the analysts being together. Another thing which is really bugging me is that I have to move desks and location, from where I am really happy near a window (we have no air conditioning) to a shi**y desk where everyone can look over your shoulder (I will never to able to post on the DIS again!).

I just feeling like everything is against me at the moment. My line manager apologised for handling the news badly yesterday, (and guess what, I got upset again!!) but I told him it wasn’t the way he delivered the news; it was a combination of things. He suggested speaking to HR but I do not see the point, obviously they do not want to set a precedence as they might have to give someone else a day off. I mean it was only my child.

I would really like to not have to work and take my daughter to school and pick her up. I am also feeling somewhat resentful of DH. He is self employed and in a job he loves (isn’t he lucky!), now I am not saying I wouldn’t what him to be happy BUT I am the main wage earner and it is through my efforts that I am there BUT I would like to maybe run a cattery/kennels or even be in alternative health care BUT I can’t because there would be no stability in the income with us both being self employed.

Still upset


03-07-2002, 09:17 AM
Theresa, I worked for a major UK bank for 20 years. When I first returned to work (full time) after having my first daughter (who is now 17), I was one of the first to do so. It was virtually unheard of. Flexibility towards working Mums was non-existant. I didn't expect special treatment nor to receive benefits not available to those without children. What I did object to was time and time again being refused days off (from my holiday entitlement) for nativity plays and the like because 'we're too short staffed'.

Over the years, as working and having children became 'normal', I saw things improving all the time. I don't really approve of positive discrimination for any group of people, but I think flexibility and co-operation for everyone is what workplaces should strive for. The bank I worked for eventually introduced a policy whereby carers (not just those with children, but anyone who found themselves in a position of having someone dependent upon them) could take up to 5 days a year unpaid leave. There was also a career break scheme which started out for new parents, then became available (rightly) to those adopting and then was extended (albeit with different condtions) to anyone. A friend of mine took 2 years off to be with her mother who was going blind so they could spend some quality time together whilst she still had her sight.

Like you say, it's not the fact that you were asked to take it unpaid - after all allowing one group of people to have more paid time off than others is bound to cause unrest - it's the way it was handled. Maybe you could suggest they implement a policy (like the one I mentioned) then everyone (staff and management) know where they stand and there's none of this messy business.

Chin up. It's making you feel awful at the moment, but it'll blow over.

03-07-2002, 09:26 AM
I also meant to mention that I was always resentful of having to work. I returned to work full-time within months of both my daughters' births because we couldn't manage financially without my income. I hated the fact that I couldn't collect them from school like all the other Mums, couldn't be at their nativity plays, etc. I just wanted to be a housewife and Mum.

Now I haven't worked for 18 months (through choice) and guess what? I want to be back at work! The grass is always greener, isn't it?

03-07-2002, 09:47 AM

What a bloomin' mess all of this is :mad:

Over here we have Special or Casual Leave for such events – seems like no one wanted to take that decision and played safe by making you take it as unpaid leave.

My my….sounds like you’ve got a jumped up PM wanting to make a name for himself – I’ll give you a few pointers to shoot him down in flames – on the other hand, better not as it may turn against you.

Project teams so that everyone sits together? Why? – it’s a blast back to the Dark Ages methinks – I understand the reasoning behind it BUT if people aren’t happy with the arrangements then it’s self defeating.

We had a similar issue on the work front a few years back. DW was a manger at a private bank and earnt shed-loads more money than me and was really happy there. We don’t have any relatives living nearby and the neighbours either work during the day or are well retired. The cost of playgroups etc were prohibitive and had very long waiting lists.

Coupled with that was our choice that we wanted to “be there” for the kids during the day and not with a relative or suchlike. (No problem with anyone else doing this, just our view).

Luckily I’m employed full time and have immense flexibility, such as being able to work from home, which is priceless.

I sincerely hope that all of this was just a “blip” and that happy times are just around the corner.

Wish I could give you a real hug rather than a cyber one


03-07-2002, 10:06 AM
No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, Theresa, just wanted to say I'm sympathetic.

03-07-2002, 10:17 AM
Hi Theresa,

I know exactly how you feel. I also am the main earner, and would much prefer not to work - or maybe part-time, but here I am (although not doing much work...)

I was discussing changing my hours with my boss recently and said that I would like to work 2 days from home so that I could pick up Katie from school, and he said they were considering stopping all people from working from home in the future - I was quite straight with him and told him that if I couldn't work from home when Katie was ill, then I would just have to call in sick myself. He suggested I ought to take annual leave, but the fact remains that I would have no qualms about calling in sick.

Sorry it's not much help, but I know where you are coming from.


03-07-2002, 11:42 AM
Just wanted to send you {{{{{{ BIG HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}

Love Frances x

03-07-2002, 12:38 PM
Nothing I can help with except send you my good wishes and hope you feel happier and upbeat again soon...

Penny :)

03-07-2002, 12:52 PM
HI Theresa, I know how it feels re the sick children thing. A while ago a teacher colleague of mine had a day off, because his child was sick and he was a single father. He was made to lose a days pay which is standard for all staff at my school. We have a choice, if the child is only mildly ill then we can take them to school with us and just lie them down in a corner, or if they need to be at home then we lose pay. There are no concessions! I think that this is awful, and he complained bitterly, and I believe it was put to the govenors as a 'special case' but he was told that this must not set a precedent! Considering our lives revolve around children I find this whole attitude amazing. Carolyn

03-07-2002, 05:07 PM
We have a choice, if the child is only mildly ill then we can take them to school with us and just lie them down in a corner,

is this how epidemics get started - bringing mildly ill children into school, only to discover 2 days later that they have chicken pox or measles?

Seems like a mad policy to me!


03-08-2002, 04:14 AM
............ {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} Theresa - it seems so unfair that someone takes time off work by pretending to be sick and nothing is said, and yet you were honest and were treated very unsympathetically. ( Bev- that's not a reflection on your post, I understand why you have to do this).
I hope things improve for you, and that one day you'll get your dream job Theresa.

03-08-2002, 04:21 AM
Theresa, I'm so sorry to hear about your problems, it brings back bad memories of when I went back to work when DD Sam was 6 months old. It 's so hard being a working Mum isn't it, and when your boss makes it even more difficult it is not easy. I had terrible problems with my boss too. I am lucky enough to be able to stay at home now and let DH bring the money in, though I do miss the stimulation of working, it is so good to be here when they are ill.

I really do hope that things improve for you Theresa, sending lots of pixie dust and hugs to you at this trying time, try to think positive and enjoy your daughter whilst she is young, even with all the problems it brings, it won't be too long before she is a teenager and independent. Try to forget about work once you get home, try not to let it upset you too much, at the end of the day you have a beautiful daughter to enjoy! :D

Keep smiling :D

Theresa Hudson
03-08-2002, 07:42 AM
Well things have got a little better.

Maybe I had the new PM wrong. He knew I had been upset and asked me if I was OK, so I told me about my concerns about all the changes etc and what happened with Dana being ill.
He has a son and was shocked at how they had handled the matter.

Later, (I made out I did not know where I was sitting) I asked when/if we move etc could stay near the window, it would make me happy. They have posted the seating plan and I have a window. I will be much happier working there and will have a little privacy.

Thanks again.


03-08-2002, 09:30 AM
...... well that's better :) It's nice to hear he showed some concern. I hope you are feeling happier today :)

03-08-2002, 09:39 AM
((((hugs)))))) Theresa glad to see your Happier :)

03-08-2002, 10:20 AM
Glad to see you're happier today Theresa - {{{hugs}}}

(I did try to post a longer reply yesterday but couldnt get the page to load! :( )