how do you stop a toddler from running off

[sl_underwood]

I am wondering how you all handle these things...

My son is 4 but developmentally 2, he came from a severely abusive home so he has lots of fear. Lately he has been testing us to see if we will abuse him. Some of the things he does are very dangerous and I am not sure how to stop them but I know they must stop before we visit Disney in April.

The biggest is running away from us. He does this just to see if we are following and treats it as a game. Last night, he let go of my hand in a parking lot and scared me half to death. Thankfully I caught him instantly and held on tight. I am so worried he will run and be lost in Disney World. Friends have suggested I just not follow but I cant imagine doing this. He has fear of being abandoned and I cant help but think it to be unsafe, any other suggestions?

Another prob is extreme temper tantrums. He pretty much tantrums every time he doesnt get his way. Since I cant always cater to his every need, I expect a few tantrums at Disney World, how do you all handle the tantrums?

These 2 issues are pretty major for me and its making me worry about going on vacation. How do you all deal with these issues?

[irishbacker92]

My son just turned 5, but on our first trip to disney he had just turned 3 and did a lot of taking off running. My main cocern especially at disney ,where it can be very crowded, was someone coming in between us, and me not being able to catch him until he got hurt.
They don't watch where they are going they will walk right between you and your child and not think anything about it. They may not even see him. As you already know it only takes a second for you to be distracted and he is gone! In a weeks time that will happen!. We always used a "leash". It was a backpack that looked like a monkey. You may have people on this board or otherwise say it is cruel and you treat your kid like a dog. Simply ignore them. They are not in charge of your son and not responsible for his safety.(I had a guy at work who does not and can not have kids tell me that every time he sees this he tells the parents "nice dog". Yes he is that much of a jack ---.)

Anyway I would not leave home without one, and I would give one a try at a mall or other busy place. Try to teach him what to do with and with out it.
Good Luck, Have Fun!!

[alizesmom]

I'm not full of wisdom but wanted to just say to hang in there. It's hard when a child has been so harmed by his life. He certainly is testing you in both instances and you have the difficult task of balancing love and reassurance without catering. Can you maybe set up a reward system starting now that he can earn something he wants for specific behaviour (like not running off)?
Karen

[PrincessSuzanne]

I don't have children, but the suggestion about the "leash" sounds like a great idea and is very safe. They make several varieties. One just velcros around the wrist, but I can see him taking it off, and there is the one with the animal backpack and I have seen one that makes an X across the body, sort of like a harness. I have seen many families using these types of items at WDW and anybody that views this as a bad thing, well, they need to think again.

Now, have you tried ignoring him when he is having a tantrum. A child usually throws a tantrum for the attention and if you take that out of the equation, they will not throw the tantrum, because they aren't getting the attention they value. It will take some time, but I have seen it work. My mom sort of did this with me and it worked. She would step over me or send me to my room and eventually I discovered it didn't work.

Suzanne princess:

[SueM in MN]

very good responses so far.

Another thing to look into would be a Guest Assistance Card that would allow you to use a stroller as a wheelchair. That would allow the stroller to be brought in lines with you and treated just like a wheelchair is treated.
Between using the stroller and having a baby leash, you would have more control of how far he can get. I would definately use those things for MK and AK, which can both get quite crowded. If you want to let him 'test' his bounds a little, the park to do it at would be Epcot. It's much less crowded and he would be much more visible to you without getting out of sight.

[SueM in MN]

I forgot to mention that there is information about the Guest Assistance Card in the disABILITIES FAQs thread near the top of the thread list on this board.

[flynnmnstr]

I know this thread is going to end up getting some pretty intense responses but I am a parent to two special needs kids both kids at point in their lives have been developmentally delayed by 2 years of their chronological age, so I know how it is parenting a child who is in some ways 4 or older but in other ways still a 2 year old. Its challenging and demanding and you need to be more creative and flexible than you would normally be with a typically developing child.

My three year old was a nightmare to keep track of this past summer-very intense and active. There is no way we could have done Disney without his Monkey backpack leash. He would have spent the whole vacation in his stroller and having meltdowns because he had to be in his stroller.

Its not a parenting issue; its a safety issue. We never used a leash with my older son; he did not need one. You can work on hand holding and following directions and staying near you in public places at your local food store or mall during less crowded times when that is main objective. Disney is not the place for that-- your are there to have fun and be together as a family. Make it as easy as possible for yourselves- get a child leash, bring or rent a stroller, and anything else you need to have a good vacation.

[Ms_Butterfly]

I just saw somebody in the airport a few days ago who had a child (must've been about 3 or 4 yrs. old, I think) with one of those animal backpack leashes on. It was a dog or cat one, I think - definitely not a monkey. So, they must come in different styles. The leash was one of those expandable stretchy ones, so the kid had room to move around while still staying safe and unable to run away.

It did make the kid look like a dog (I joked to my brother, who was travelling with me, that the kid must be a "service kid", since I had my service dog [also on a leash] at my feet *grin*), but it also kept the kid safe! If it works, use it!! If anybody says anything nasty to you, ignore them or say something back to them that makes them think differently, something like, "I'd rather have my kid on a leash than under a car/in a lake/lost and unable to tell anybody who he is/etc."

It does sound like your son is just testing you, so hopefully soon he'll realize that you're not going to harm him and he'll settle down more. If he is getting help from an OT/PT/therapist/doc/whatnot, ask them for some tips on how to handle his meltdowns.

[OneLittleSpark]

I'd never thought about a leash for a child being cruel. I personally, don't see how it's cruel to stop a child from running away and injuring themselves (unless it's limiting their creative expression, not allowing them to fall in a lake ;) ). Most of the kids I've seen using them have seemed perfectly fine, most of them don't even seem to have noticed!

One thought I did have, if you wanted to reinforce the hand-holding message, you could always do both (leash and hand). If you had the leash on him and tied to your wrist, you could also hold his hand, so if he ran off he wouldn't get far. This may well help to put the idea into his head that letting go of your hand doesn't really get him anywhere. Reward him when he keeps hold of your hand with verbal and physical praise (commonly called a hug and a 'well done' :goodvibes), and hopefully he'll eventually get to the stage where he'll keep hold of your hand without the leash.

Good luck! :thumbsup2

[robin09]

Definitely, if your son is the way my DD9 was at his age, be careful which leash to get. The one around her wrist was absolutely no good, she got out of it very quickly, it just became a game. The one that goes around the body and zippers up the back is the best.. Like the harnesses we used to use in a child's carraige, many moons ago.. remember those? LOl. The leash/harness is great, don't pay attention to what others say, you will get cruel remarks, but better safe than sorry. As for the meltdowns... it will happen, just don't react to it.. most parents watching will feel for you, as we all have been there!:goodvibes

I am wondering how you all handle these things...

My son is 4 but developmentally 2, he came from a severely abusive home so he has lots of fear. Lately he has been testing us to see if we will abuse him. Some of the things he does are very dangerous and I am not sure how to stop them but I know they must stop before we visit Disney in April.

The biggest is running away from us. He does this just to see if we are following and treats it as a game. Last night, he let go of my hand in a parking lot and scared me half to death. Thankfully I caught him instantly and held on tight. I am so worried he will run and be lost in Disney World. Friends have suggested I just not follow but I cant imagine doing this. He has fear of being abandoned and I cant help but think it to be unsafe, any other suggestions?

Another prob is extreme temper tantrums. He pretty much tantrums every time he doesnt get his way. Since I cant always cater to his every need, I expect a few tantrums at Disney World, how do you all handle the tantrums?

These 2 issues are pretty major for me and its making me worry about going on vacation. How do you all deal with these issues?

[sl_underwood]

Thank you all for your responses. Being an adoptive parent, my son is the only little one I have ever had and also the only boy (he has so much more energy than my girls) He also came from a far worse situation than either of my girls. Though he has been with me a year, I feel new to parenting a young child and I am unsure how to proceed. Its a fine line. We cant even yell to another room for a child without him cowering in fear so we do our best to not raise our voice with him. We do lots of praise which up until recently he was responding well to. We have a sticker chart for certain things, mainly listening and self help stuff (he fears baths, brushing teeth and hair, and for awhile refused to dress himself) The chart sometimes helps, other days he couldnt care less. He definitely has to have a reward system with an immediate reward cause he has no concept of time. We do not use food as a reward due to his fear of starvation (he gorges himself on food and sometimes hides/steals food) I figure using food as a reward is just setting him up for more food issues. He doesnt understand time outs at all. He will sit there but he is almost trancelike and his face is full of fear. As for ignoring tantrums, I wish we could. He will begin hurting himself to get our attention. I am thinking maybe a leash wouldnt be so bad with my son, atleast it would give me a little peace of mind. We will have a GAC to use a stroller as a wheelchair cause my older dd will also need use of the stroller at times due to her health issues. I am considering getting a twin stroller so they can both sit if needed but havent decided yet. Thanks again to all of you. Your advice and support is appreciated.

[scottsod]

http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii314/scottsod/SL730074.jpg

we had to use this 1st day after that he calmed down but it worked out fine

scott

[tw1nsmom]

I think the twin stroller is a great idea. You wouldn't want to be in a situation where your DS needed to be in the stroller to relax/calm down and your DD also needed to be in the stroller for physical reasons. There are fairly light weight folding double umbrella strollers out there.

I also used harnesses on both DD and DS when they were almost three when we went to WDW. Ours looked like regular fanny packs. Will you get some looks? Probably. But...who cares? You do what you have to do to keep your DS safe. Everyone else can just mind there own business.

[mickeyluv'r]

Some of the things he does are very dangerous and I am not sure how to stop them but I know they must stop before we visit Disney in April.

You probably can't stop these things before April, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go...Read onward...

As a teacher, I will tell you it's important to stand up to temper tantrums. Flat out giving in teaches the child that tantrums are an effective tool - and will reinforce the idea of having them. It will take time to un-teach this behavior! Trust is going to be a gradual process for both of you.

On the flip side, escalating them is the second worst thing you can do. More often that not, the best thing to do is to stroke the child and REMAIN calm. Never put the child down, never give up on the child. Never give the direct or indirect message that thie child is inferior, damaged goods, stupid, etc. 99% or the time I see kids who fail, I have a parent conference and the parent puts the child down repeatedly. You must show repeatedly that you believe in this child and his/her potential. Physical contact is the best way to calm downa child like this. As a teacher, I'm not really allowed to touch my students and it is a huge hadicap. This sort of thing really must be done my theparents.

Try getting some good books on the subject. I can't tell you which books were most helpful to my sister, but she read everything (plus, the more the chld sees you reading, the more they will learn by example to love reading! this goes for ther habits as well. Now is good time to curb any bad habits you have.)

The other really important thing about tantrums is that many parents threaten somethign they have no intention of following through with. "If you don't stop, we're going to leave WDW right now and go home! " Yeah, right. The kid quickly learns that you are lying, and if you do follow through it's bad for all. If yo must punish, do so in small steps. REWARDING positive behavior with treats is FAR more effective. "Treats" need not be candy or gifts. They can be small stickers (ona chart even) or priveleges ("If you are good, I'll take you to the playground after." When the child messes up, don't say, "NO playground for you." Say, "oh, you're forgetting about that playground trip we're going to take." Always try to talk in the positive! Diffusing a tense situation with laughter is also VERY effective.

My nephew shared very similar traits to the young man you describe. My sister had to work very hard on her patience, she also got good at running after him and not yelling at him when she caught him, but calmly finding out why he ran. Another thing that helped was taking a half dose of medication. she put him on half the dose suggested by the doctor, and that little bit helped him. She also ALWAYS supported him at school. She fought for him to have an IEP at school. If you don't know what that means, learn about it. As a teacher, I can tell you, many educators are not very wise when it comes to behavioral issues. We are trained in our subject areas, but we're asked to be social workers and psychologists. I can even tell you about counselors and special ed teachers that refused to deal with behavioral issues in their charges.

Last, there is lots of hope. My nephew is a straight A student now! Lots of kids who start off with disabilities find a way to succeed - if they get support. Often the people who struggle the most initially end up wih the greatest success. It's hard to say this compactly, but take for example a student who is blind but develops great hearing - well above the average. Most of the world's Nobel Prize winners are kids who overcame ADD - or something similar. If the brain can find an alternate way to do something, it may well find a more effective method (they have actually shown this with brain scans) I'm getting way off topic now, but simply put, all of my favorite students have usually been the ones who initially challenged me the most. One of the most effectively social students I ever had was a kid who started off with a severe speech impediment!

One of the best ways to help him overcome these thigns is to give him chances for success (rather than isolating or punishing him) He isn't TRYING to be difficult. No child WANTS to be unsuccessful. Keep reminding yourself of that. "Success is failure turned inside out!" A good mantra for anyone. Most of the Fortune 500 are not folks who were sucessful the first time out, but folks who did not give up after initial failures.

My sister took my nephew to WDW MANY times. She swears it was one of the best things she ever did. WDW stimulates their senses, which can help a child like that to actually calm down. My nephew had a speech delay, but ever trip to WDW brought big improvements.

WhenI first started teaching, I was very reluctant to tkae field trips with the type of child you describe. I actually never had a problem with a kid on a field trip. When they are out of their element, they will surprise you. In fact, often the reverse has happened. Field trips showed that I trusted these kids, and after, we bonded ina special way.* Despite it's size, WDW is actually very safe. They have security cameras everywhere. Do keep a photo of your child on you at all times (good advice for any parent) Do take a picture of your child each morning if you ahve a digital camera. Do teach your child (as he gets older) - if he gets lost, he should return to the last place he saw you. (rahter than staying still, if he's wandered off). DO teach your child his adress and phone number as soon as possible. I am floored by the number of MIDDLE school kids I've seen who can't recite their entire address and phone number!!!!!!!!!! YIKES!!!

[mickeyluv'r]

I posted my first response before I had read your second posting, It sounds like you are already on the right track! And doing great things for this child.

I have dealt with severe behavior like this several times, and I am sure the process will be a gradual one, but will also be very rewarding.

Understanding the motivation behind his behavior (tantrums) is important to stopping it. He may well be too young to explain it. My nephew used to run out of restaurants because he was sensative to the smell of certain spices. I remember when he first was able to explain his actions! Once we understood why, we could help him cope better and head off this behavior. My sister stopped eating in Chinese and Italian restaurants. (take out was a boon.)

[goofieslonglostsis]

Just a tip for the 'every parents worst nightmare come through' situation;

take a pic of your kids before leaving the room. This way you allways have an up-to-date pic of what he/she looks like AND what the child is wearing that day. Nowadays with the digital camera's it's a breeze. If -hopefully not- a child does get out of your sight, you'll be able to show the pic to CM's right then and there.

[sukhakuli]

My son is almost 3, but is developmentally at an 18 month old level, or therabouts. He has autism. He has problems with safety awareness, and runs off, sometimes darting in front of cars. We have the added problem that he does not respond to his name or any other commands. He does speak, but his language is purely functional, that is, functional for him. So he can ask for food, drinks, and toys, but when we say "come here." he doesn't understand us. So I really get where you are coming from. Basically, we have to keep him confined when we are out. Luckily he isn't very heavy, so I can still wear him in a backpack carrier on my back. He's about 30-32 lbs, BTW, and if you think you can handle it you may want to look into an Ergo or Beco carrier (google search should help you find it). Otherwise we still use a stroller. I have not used a leash, yet, but I know it's in my future, lol.

A couple of things that I have to consider, and in your situation I think it might be a good idea as well. Especially if he freezes up when he's scared or around strangers. How will he behave if he does get lost? I know that my son cannot answer questions like "What is your name?" "How old are you?" "What is your mother's name?" etc. He really can't answer anything but questions about food and drink. Next time we go to DW I plan on attaching a little booklet to his shoe that basically says his name, other pertinant info and our cell phone number. If your son panics when he is scared or surrounded by strangers you might want to do the same thing.

[mickeyluv'r]

Last time we were at Epcot, DH saw a woman with a carrier who tripped, and there was blood involved. It was not pretty...with all that uneven pavement, long walks, and numerous distractions...I wouldn't want to take the chance myself. But it may be the best option for others...

[sl_underwood]

Mickeyluvr- my son does have an IEP and goes to a developmental preschool where the teachers are trained to deal with all of his issues (in fact, more than 1/2 of the kids in his class are or have been in the foster care system) They are great and really are working with us to help him. I agree with all the tips you suggested, these are things we do but he is still working out things and trust is a pretty big one. Some of his behavioral issues, I believe, are ways of testing us to see if we will hurt him. My older kids did this too, it was just alot easier to curb since they were able to reason.

goofieslonglostsis- Great advice! We did this our last trip and we didnt even have little ones, many of my vacation fears revolve around one of my children dissapearing.

sukhakuli- My son does know his name but will rarely answer a stranger when asked. He also would most likely start screaming if lost. This is his reaction to most things he fears. His screams are like nothing I have ever heard. My husband thinks we would hear over everything going on, thats how loud and ear piercing they are. I will do some sort of identification thing, not sure what though, there are so many things out there. Probably a shoe tag since it will most likely bother him the least.

[mechurchlady]

I prefer good training, harness with leash, and strollers over the carriers. At Disneyland I was waiting for the next tram to come. In front of me was a Japanese couple and their little kid. Behind me was a man leaning on me and trying to push me forward. I was getting scared that if I let go I might shove the couple in front of the trams. Whta was scarier was that the man leaning on me and shoving me had on a baby carrier and his little kid was wedged betweein us. He did not get me to move thankfully.

Carriers can throw your center of gravity off and you end up hauling a heavy load that takes up too much energy. I have seen some parents forget that they need more room in back of them and nearly hit another guest with the carrier.

I would recommend the harness and leash. Little kids see things and do not see the danger like running across the street to pet a cat. I do not like the ones attached to the wrist. With a harness the whole torso takes the brunt of a kid tugging on a leash.

[SmallWorld71]

You've gotten lots of great responses so far.:goodvibes I figured I would just add my 2 cents in. Although I don't have any special needs children, DD4 is a very intense child. She went through a stage where she thought it would be funny to run away too and see if I followed. Very scary.:scared1: No real advice on this one except to say that I totally sympathize with you and think that with enough time he will eventually out grow it. Hopefully you will wear him out enough at Disney and he'll spend a lot of time in a stroller.:goodvibes

As far as time-outs, the conventional time out has never worked with DD. (She would become absolutely hysterical to the point of making herself sick and it was a nightmare.) I was so frustrated that I took a parenting seminar for help and learned something that I had never considered. Time-out doesn't have to be alone. It is simply providing the child a way to take a break from whatever the problem is. I was told that when she did something that warranted at time out, such as hitting her brother, to just tell her she needed a time out, set the timer (1 min. per year of her age), hold her securely in my lap for the duration of the time out and not talk to her. It worked much better! She fought me the 1st couple times, but that stopped when she realized I wasn't letting her go until the timer went off. Perhaps something like this would work for your son. He would get his time-out and still be safe. :hug:

Edited to add: I just re-read your post and realized you had a problem with tantrums, not time-outs. Ugh! Sorry! I still think your best bet is to hold him close until it passes.

[mickeyluv'r]

SmallWorld71 - you basically backed up wahtI said. I think this is a great approach to tantrums! especially if the motivation is fear.

Best of luck tothe op - and again I say, you may well be surprised at how well he does. :wizard: :wizard: Lots of pixie dust to you!:tinker: :tinker: :tinker: pixiedust: pixiedust: pixiedust:

[1stluvispooh]

We seem to be walking in each others shoes. That was my DD who ASD 4 as well. I used a leash. (Yeah I know everyone has already said it) When I didn't have one with me or I was going into the grocery store with her I would purposely park next to the cart coral so that I would get my cart and strap her in straight from her car seat. This way I didn't have to worry about her bolting from the car to the door. As for the tantrums. I must say that the best thing we did for those was put her on a gluten/casein free diet. I know it sound wired that a diet would help with the tantrums but it help with her period. She was calmer. I remember the first day I put her on it. DH came home form work and cornered me in the kitchen after he had been home for 30 minutes and said "is it just me or does she seem calmer?" I know that he has food issues already and that that will make it even more difficult. Our thoughts behind it was it couldn't hurt and was worth a try. I hope you find what works best for you.

[sl_underwood]

Can you steer me in the right direction for info on this diet? He does have food issues but I am willing to research it and see if I could make it work.

[onetoescape]

Interesting discussion going on. I will be going Disney soonish (Jan 09 touch wood). My youngest 3 has been ruled out ASD for the meantime however he has problems still being investigated.He does not speak about from 10 words or so. He has no understanding on what you say to him and he just rampages about and when he doesn't get it what he wants he has a crying match. On the flip side he is the most loving of our children. Can those 'monkeys' be picked up easily in Florida? I will be flying in from the UK

[Christine43]

You've gotten good advice here and there's nothing I can add but I just wanted to say big kudos to you for taking this child in. We need more people like you, congratulations!

[DorkyDisneyMom]

Can you steer me in the right direction for info on this diet? He does have food issues but I am willing to research it and see if I could make it work.

I have a PDD/NOS boy 5 who is doing the gluten and casien free diet too.

I use a wesite called GFCFdiet.com. It is a little hard to use but, if you go to the directory down at the bottom of the page it will give you an Alphabetical listing of the site. It has all kinds of grocery listings that are GF CF. You can google gf/cf diet and you will find a whole bunch of stuff.

I also use a website called TACAnow.org It has a great explaination as to why the diet. I have a book too.

I can see a difference in the boys when we are doing the diet.

We have used a leash too. We were at Disneyland in Nov. I found it much easier just to use the stroller. The boys were much better with it. I have developed a short command for the boys. I just say, "partner". They know that means they need to hold someone's hand. So when you are working with your little guy and you want to hold his hand just say, "partner". It is short and sweet and helps them understand what you want.

I looked at getting DS5 an i.d. and I really liked the shoe one. I think it is called Who's shoe or something like that. DS5 didn't need one, he memorized our cell phone numbers. And we trained him to find a mom with a stroller and ask for help. That won't work for you but, I did like the shoe one too.

I also wanted to mention YouTube. We used it for the rides and loved it. I think it would be great for your little guy to have a lot of exposure. It really helps with anxiety and helps them know what to expect. I was also thankful because then I could gauge their reactions to see if I thought a ride was going too much.

I just wanted to add about the websites. I like them for diet information. Some of the stuff on there is stuff that I am not sure I agree with. But I do like them for the diet.