View Full Version : Am I being unreasonable?

10-18-2007, 05:24 PM
I've just returned from a short trip back to Bath and came home to some pretty annoying news.

As some of you know, we moved out here temporarily for 10 months due to DH's job. Recently, we were told that there might be the opportunity to remain here indefinitely which, whilst at first declining, grew on us to the point where we were ready to apply for the green cards.

Now we have been here for almost the full ten months - the time to figure out the next stage is approaching rapidly. Yesterday, DH got a letter from his boss. They want DH to remain in San Francisco for a further 18 months to 2years and then return back to London after that.

Our children are happy, adjusted, challenged and, beginning, to settle down into our new environment. Before they (and we) become too settled I wanted to either go back to Bath or have confirmation that we could stay here if we wanted to.

I'm not happy with the two year idea. I think that after two years we will be far too settled to want to start moving around again. In my mind, there are two options only - go home next month or stay here for good. DH thinks that I should consider the idea more carefully. There are benefits, after all - his salary will be considerably higher and we are living in a gorgeous home rent-free. However, I think the social and educational disruption to our children will be unfair and I can't imagine how they would feel two years down the line when faced with leaving everything here behind and returning back to England where everything else will have moved on by three years.

I've spoken to some of my friends about this and they think I am being perfectly reasonable, but I know that they will support me regardless. I'm interested to know what you think, am I being annoying and fussy or are my worries genuinely reasonable?

Thanks for any advice/input!

10-19-2007, 01:24 AM
I'm no go at giving advice , but wish you well on what ever you decide upon:)

10-19-2007, 02:06 AM
How old are your kids? Are they old enough to speak to about it and get an opinion? How well did they adapt the first time? I think a lot depends on how your kids are. For instance, my sister and I moved a lot when we were young and we always adjusted really well and loved the idea of a new school, new friends etc. However, DH also moved around a lot and he found it very hard and academically he felt he was always behind (he was moving country to country though so perhaps more of an extreme case).

Can your DH ask to be permanently placed in San Francisco? Has anyone in his company ever done this after a secondment abroad?

Good luck with whatever you decide and enjoy your time there, what a wonderful opportunity you've had! :thumbsup2

10-19-2007, 02:42 AM
Perhaps after the two years another chance may come up to extend like what is being offered now. It could be worth the gamble that after two years another two years will be offered and so on.

Just another point of view.


10-19-2007, 03:55 AM
Its the month deadline that would worry me, so I would stay. Take the 2 years and see what other opportunities open up.
Though I can understand your annoyance with your DH`s employers!

10-19-2007, 04:09 AM
I would stay for the 2 years, after that you may want to come home or if not I would try and extend it either longer or for good. If you are happy and living a good lifestyle then I would enjoy it for as long as possible!

10-19-2007, 04:20 AM
I, too, would stay on and see what the future holds :)

There are a multitude of scenarios that could unfold in 18 mths - 2 years ;)

I don't think you're being unreasonable being fed up with your DH's employers though............:sad2:

10-19-2007, 04:20 AM
I once worked with a girl who was extremely ambitious and driven - she was always making career decisions based on what she thought would happen in the future. I just went with the flow and ended up moving up the career ladder at a much speedier pace. She was probably more capable than me, but she over-analysed too much and ended up making loads of sideways moves in a bid to get where she wanted. The trouble was, she couldn't legislate for inevitable change and always ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think your husband's right. You say there are only two options, but actually you've just closed your mind to the third. What does your husband want to do? If he wants to stay, you're definitely being unreasonable in not at least considering that third option. None of us gets any guarantees in life, particularly where employment is concerned. We certainly don't know what the future holds. You're saying you'd stay if your husband's employers said it was permanent, but you can't be sure that wouldn't change again. I'd be inclined to stay and see what the next 18 months - 2 years brings. Do what's right for you all at the moment.

10-19-2007, 04:28 AM
Like others have said, I think I would stay and see how things pan out- we never know what is in the future and they could say that you can stay permanently, but until then if you are enjoying the life and the kids are fine, I would stay and enjoy it to the maximum while I can.

10-19-2007, 05:37 AM
Something similar happened to us ten years ago. DH had been offered the chance of working indefinitely in Paris and we took it. As you say, the perks were very attractive and we lived rent-free in a fabulous appartement in a great area. The children attended a bilingual school (which DH's company paid for) and everything was rosy. After 18 months DH's company were taken over and, whilst the new management initially reassured him he could continue in his current role, within 6 months they actually put pressure on him to return to London. :rolleyes:

We (kids included) didn't want to return and dug our heels in - DH even found an alternative Paris-based job but when he confessed that he liked the role he was being offered in London, we decided to return asap. The reason for the quick change of heart was that our eldest DD was 14 and should have been starting the first year of the GCSE syllabus. So we returned in the November - she missed the first half of term but caught up quickly, fitted in well with her new peers and was able to take her French GCSE a year early. Both of my elder children returned to London and attended a co-ed senior school. Neither of them had any problems adapting socially or educationally - in fact their 2 years in Paris made them more interesting to their peers and they found their feet very quickly.

If there are no academic reasons for your children to return to the UK asap and your DH is happy in his job, then I would be inclined to stay as long as possible. After all, it's a fab experience and children are extremely resilient. Good luck with whatever you decide... :hug:

10-19-2007, 06:35 PM
Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it. Perhaps I am over-analyzing and should focus less on future possibilities and more on what is happening now.

I'm going to discuss it with DH and give it some thought over the w/end and then we will hopefully have worked things out by next week.

I should have mentioned the ages of our children. They are 5, 8 and 9, so no critical external examinations in the immediate future.

Thanks again. :goodvibes :wizard:

10-22-2007, 05:53 PM
With the age of your kids, you do have the time to spare. If they were older i would be more worried on how they would catch up. At that age they will be fine! However if when they start to hit 14 you kind of need to make the decision, or they will find it very hard to get into the idea of GCSE (or A level).

But this sounds like a great oppertunity! Good Luck!

10-23-2007, 05:12 PM
Thanks again for the advice. I think it was the initial shock that hit me and made me think "I want to go home" (!) since I was expecting them to say we could remain for good.

We've decided to stay for another two years and see what happens. We are also taking the pretty big step of selling our home in Bath. We never wanted to rent it out and it seems silly letting it sit their empty whilst we are over here. Haven't told the children we are staying yet, but I think they are going to be thrilled. :goodvibes :)

Thanks again for taking the time to help.

10-23-2007, 05:15 PM
That's great news! :banana: :banana: :banana:

10-23-2007, 05:21 PM
:woohoo: :banana: :woohoo: :banana: