HopingToGetEngaged
10-04-2007, 02:49 PM
Ok- I know that this does not fall under illness, or death, but it is a trying time that I am going thru. I know that things could always be worse, and I should “count my blessings”. But if my list below helps atleast ONE PERSON, then it’s all worth it. Please know that all of you are in my prayers.
Ok – here it goes… sorry this is so long...
A month and a half ago, my boyfriend of 5 ½ years decided that he was no longer in love with me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. Oh yeah… and I had 8 days to get out of the apartment. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down and inside out. I got the usual song and dance BS, but essentially what it was was that he had found someone else. A 25 year old, divorced, mother of a 3 year old. I was crushed. She knew that I was in the picture, because just 2 weeks before we were at her brother’s wedding (his co-worker) and his other co-workers (with whom I worked with in college) we asking us when we were going to get married! We walked about campus (reception was at our College/ alma mater where he’s a police officer) and I asked him that when the time came, if we could get our engagement pictures take on campus. He was all for it! We left the wedding reception and asked when the time came if I wanted to have it there too! (which I didn’t) So, this was totally out of left field.
The fact that he could walk away from 5 ½ years (mind you well before she was even married!), all the good and bad, and walk- literally- right into something else made me feel as if I was nothing, the last few years were nothing, and that our “love” was even more nothing. I know that we had been having issues. I had just prayed that we would make it another 3 weeks until our 9 day, fully booked and paid for Disney vacation. I thought that if we could just survive till then that the vacation would atleast allow us time to be together and hopefully make things better. The ironic thing about this is that I had already had an appointment to see my doctor about getting back on to depression meds, because I knew that I wasn't right, and something needed to change. When I told him that I had an appointment, his repsonse was "well isn't that friggin convienent? You bring this up AFTER I've said I'm done." Uh... yeah- it's not something that I'm proud of, so I was trying to do this on my own. I have been on Wellburtin twice before, and both times, after things had been great for a few months, I'd wean myself off of them. I now understand that I don't think that taking depression meds is something that you (me) can do for a few months and then jump back off.
Every night I pray for strength. Strength to get thru this, strength to get over this, and strength to heal. And I’m trying. But I started to write yesterday – all of the things that I’ve learned recently. So, I thought that I would share it with you guys. (And they aren’t totally about me… well except the last one). And I wrote this before I found out after work that he moved in with her,:mad: but I still stand by each and every one of them.
Things I’ve learned about…
• …being perfect. We are not perfect. I’m not, you’re not, we’re not. Nothing in life is, or has to be perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect, couples aren’t perfect, families aren’t perfect and friends aren’t perfect. And that’s OK. Sometimes we just need to accept that.
• …the truth. As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. I’ve always said that I’d rather be mad at the truth than be doublely mad about being lied to and still finding out the truth. I think that we sometimes tend to lie or fib about things to avoid the consequences of the truth… like to avoid an argument. But in the end it just makes for a bigger argument. So, honesty is really the best policy. It’s better to live with a hard truth, rather than an easy lie.
• …relationships. Things change, people change and relationships change. Our relationships will grow together, and will grow apart. If it’s your best friend from when you were 16 who you had a falling out with for whatever silly reason. Or that kid sister who annoyed you to no end growing up. Or the boy that you gave everything to and loved with all your heart that had promised you the world and promised you forever and then broke your heart. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. But, if the friendship/ relationship is true, it will work itself out. You patch things up with that old friend (I mean, who else could look back and find the humor in walking around some random hotel in Michigan in wooden clogs in the middle of the night?), and you start to appreciate your kid sister (Mom really was right when she said we’d grow up to be best friends and you would be someone who would do anything in the world for me and vice-a-versa). And yes, you even still love the boy even after he’s broken your heart and left your day-to-day life. But, if your relationship with said boy is true- a true friendship and a true love- it will come back around too. Sometimes it takes dating someone else or having a new best friend to appreciate what you had before you grew apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that we need to grow apart (and then grow back together) in life to truly appreciate these people for who they are and what and how much they mean to us. If you truly love and care for someone, you don’t give up. Yes, it can be rough and it can be wearing and a strain on you, but if you love someone, you dig your heals in a little deeper and try a little harder. Something or someone you love and care about isn’t worth letting go.
• …people. We are who we are. Plain and simple. And we need to accept people as they are. Sometimes in life we get a little lost and stray from who we really are. And that’s when we need that friend, or sibling, or (ex)boyfriend to bring you back to who YOU truly are. As humans we stumble and fall (and sometimes even slip!) along the way. It’s the people that are around to help you back up and back onto the right path is what matters. Which brings me to…
• …support systems. I know that there are 2 people in this world that would drop what they were doing and do anything to help me if I needed it. I would like to be able to say 3, since I’ve always been able to count on him and he’s bailed me out (not jail people!) countless times before, but I don’t know that if I needed his help that he’d be there for me. Which is really kinda sad … but anyways. I know that there isn’t anything in this world that my mom or my sister wouldn’t do for me. Family is the greatest support system any person can have. And I feel sorry for the people that can’t rely on their family or aren’t confidant that their family would be there for them if they needed help. I am so thankful for my family and even my extended family. I know that I can go to any Aunt or Uncle or cousin and ask for help. And part of having a support system is having the ability to support someone else. I know that I can say that I’ve tried to support and/or help others whenever possible. And sometimes, I’ve gotten screwed. *coughjennzienkowskicough* But, I really don’t feel that bad about it. I know that if an old friend called up and said that the needed help or needed something, I’d do my best to help them out. Same goes for friends, and ex-boyfriends (except for when they call up wanting you to bail them out of jail). I wasn’t raised to turn my back on people. I was taught to have compassion for others, and no matter what these people, family/friends/ex-friends/ex-boyfriends, did to me or how bad they’ve hurt me, I cared about them at one point (and maybe even still do), and that’s enough for me to want to help them.
• …communication. Communication is something that I have struggled with for a while. But, I’m working on it. I’ve learned that botteling things up doesn’t help. Flying off the handle doesn’t help either. Yelling and screaming really doesn’t help. Throwing things doesn’t help at all (especially shoes). Being open and honest with people about issues, or problems is really the best thing. If you’re annoyed that your significant other would rather work an extra shift than spend that time with you – discuss it. And the other person needs to be open to what you have to say. One person should be able to say – “I’m a little bit hurt that you picked up another shift this week. I was looking forward to spending time with you since you worked and slept all weekend long and we really didn’t get to spend much time together alone since we had to go to a family function of yours”. And the other person should be able to understand where they are coming from. And compromise! Irked because she nags about every little thing? Discuss it with her. Be open and honest – say “It bothers me that you get on my case about taking out the trash, or picking up another shift, or not hanging up the towel in the bathroom- or whatever” I am not a mind reader – are you?! You can’t expect people to know things if you don’t clue them in! I’ve really come to realize that it has to be a 2 way street. I think that sometimes in life we tend to “let things slide” as to avoid an argument, but when you’ve let a lot of stuff slide and it’s piling up- it becomes a bigger mess than it would have been if you had just discussed it in the first place! People say that others make mountains out of mole hills… when things are ignored they go from being a molehill into a mountain. With communication comes understanding of the other person. Everyone’s communication skills are different- some are passive, and some are aggressive. You need to respect the other person’s communication skills and try to work with them on it. Compromise! If one person wants to talk about something, and the other doesn’t – compromise. Don’t talk about it immediately, but say we’ll take a break and come back in X hours to hash this out. You need to work together, not apart.
• …trust. Trust isn’t automatic. It’s something that needs to be build up. And when you do have trust in someone, and they do something to make you question or lose trust in them (such as lying or cheating), it can take a while for that trust to come back. I mean, you’ve done something to lose it, now do something to gain it back. And it takes time. I know that this is something that I struggled, and still struggle with. Having been lied to and cheated on (emotional and physical) I do have trust issues. But the one doing the lying and the cheating could have at least attempted to gain the trust back. Whatever.
• …regret. There’s a quote from the play, RENT- “forget regret, or life is yours to miss”. While, yes I wish I would have done certain things in my life differently or not done at all, I don’t regret them. I look at them as learning experiences. Everyday we learn something new. If I spend all my time worrying about the things that have already happened, and the things that I have absolutely no way of changing, I’ll never be able to make the future better. I know that I have a hard time letting go of the past, and letting bygones be bygones, but we really do need to forgive and forget. Unfortunately I’ve learned from experience that you never know if the last time you talk to someone, that it might really be the last time forever. I would have never imagined that the last conversation with my Aunt Mary would have been about the play WICKED. She and I had always had our ups and downs, but I’m glad that I can look back on our last conversation and smile about the way she gushed about seeing the play on Broadway with old theater buddies, and her telling me how much I’d love it. And she was right- I did love it. If things in life need to end, then they should end on a quazi positive note. I’m glad my last conversation with Mimi was positive, because never in a million years would we have expected her to die so suddenly. Anyway- my point is when it comes to people you care about, no matter how bad the situation, at least let them know that love them and care about them. You’d hate for the last thing you say to them to be something mean and nasty. Or a lie.
• …myself.
o I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, and a fighter.
o I can stand on my own two feet with out having to lean on someone else.
o I know that even after the hurt I’ve been thru, I will still love with all my heart.
o I know that I miss hanging out with my best friend, but can look back on the great times we’ve had, and the things we’ve shared and smile.
o I need to let go of control, allow myself to be surprised and allow myself to just “go with the flow”.
o I believe in fate, and know that things happen for a reason.
o I’m stronger than I had thought, and I’m not as horrible as some have made me out to be.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to laugh, I mean really laugh about something.
o I had forgotten how a smile can totally brighten someone’s day (even my own).
o I need to just be able to let myself be happy.
o I had forgotten that I need to make myself happy, before someone else can make me happy.
o I often put others before myself, and I shouldn’t do that so much.
o I know that the clouds have been cleared away, and I’m letting the sunshine in.
o I’m starting to see things for how they are, and no longer looking thru rose colored glasses. (I suggest that others do the same too).
o I know that any situation (even the worst) can be made better if you’re willing to commit.
o I know that it’s always darkest before the dawn.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to be an individual.
o I know that I only wish the best for those who have chosen to leave.
o I realized that inside jokes are still funny 10 years later.:goodvibes
Ok – here it goes… sorry this is so long...
A month and a half ago, my boyfriend of 5 ½ years decided that he was no longer in love with me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. Oh yeah… and I had 8 days to get out of the apartment. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down and inside out. I got the usual song and dance BS, but essentially what it was was that he had found someone else. A 25 year old, divorced, mother of a 3 year old. I was crushed. She knew that I was in the picture, because just 2 weeks before we were at her brother’s wedding (his co-worker) and his other co-workers (with whom I worked with in college) we asking us when we were going to get married! We walked about campus (reception was at our College/ alma mater where he’s a police officer) and I asked him that when the time came, if we could get our engagement pictures take on campus. He was all for it! We left the wedding reception and asked when the time came if I wanted to have it there too! (which I didn’t) So, this was totally out of left field.
The fact that he could walk away from 5 ½ years (mind you well before she was even married!), all the good and bad, and walk- literally- right into something else made me feel as if I was nothing, the last few years were nothing, and that our “love” was even more nothing. I know that we had been having issues. I had just prayed that we would make it another 3 weeks until our 9 day, fully booked and paid for Disney vacation. I thought that if we could just survive till then that the vacation would atleast allow us time to be together and hopefully make things better. The ironic thing about this is that I had already had an appointment to see my doctor about getting back on to depression meds, because I knew that I wasn't right, and something needed to change. When I told him that I had an appointment, his repsonse was "well isn't that friggin convienent? You bring this up AFTER I've said I'm done." Uh... yeah- it's not something that I'm proud of, so I was trying to do this on my own. I have been on Wellburtin twice before, and both times, after things had been great for a few months, I'd wean myself off of them. I now understand that I don't think that taking depression meds is something that you (me) can do for a few months and then jump back off.
Every night I pray for strength. Strength to get thru this, strength to get over this, and strength to heal. And I’m trying. But I started to write yesterday – all of the things that I’ve learned recently. So, I thought that I would share it with you guys. (And they aren’t totally about me… well except the last one). And I wrote this before I found out after work that he moved in with her,:mad: but I still stand by each and every one of them.
Things I’ve learned about…
• …being perfect. We are not perfect. I’m not, you’re not, we’re not. Nothing in life is, or has to be perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect, couples aren’t perfect, families aren’t perfect and friends aren’t perfect. And that’s OK. Sometimes we just need to accept that.
• …the truth. As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. I’ve always said that I’d rather be mad at the truth than be doublely mad about being lied to and still finding out the truth. I think that we sometimes tend to lie or fib about things to avoid the consequences of the truth… like to avoid an argument. But in the end it just makes for a bigger argument. So, honesty is really the best policy. It’s better to live with a hard truth, rather than an easy lie.
• …relationships. Things change, people change and relationships change. Our relationships will grow together, and will grow apart. If it’s your best friend from when you were 16 who you had a falling out with for whatever silly reason. Or that kid sister who annoyed you to no end growing up. Or the boy that you gave everything to and loved with all your heart that had promised you the world and promised you forever and then broke your heart. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. But, if the friendship/ relationship is true, it will work itself out. You patch things up with that old friend (I mean, who else could look back and find the humor in walking around some random hotel in Michigan in wooden clogs in the middle of the night?), and you start to appreciate your kid sister (Mom really was right when she said we’d grow up to be best friends and you would be someone who would do anything in the world for me and vice-a-versa). And yes, you even still love the boy even after he’s broken your heart and left your day-to-day life. But, if your relationship with said boy is true- a true friendship and a true love- it will come back around too. Sometimes it takes dating someone else or having a new best friend to appreciate what you had before you grew apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that we need to grow apart (and then grow back together) in life to truly appreciate these people for who they are and what and how much they mean to us. If you truly love and care for someone, you don’t give up. Yes, it can be rough and it can be wearing and a strain on you, but if you love someone, you dig your heals in a little deeper and try a little harder. Something or someone you love and care about isn’t worth letting go.
• …people. We are who we are. Plain and simple. And we need to accept people as they are. Sometimes in life we get a little lost and stray from who we really are. And that’s when we need that friend, or sibling, or (ex)boyfriend to bring you back to who YOU truly are. As humans we stumble and fall (and sometimes even slip!) along the way. It’s the people that are around to help you back up and back onto the right path is what matters. Which brings me to…
• …support systems. I know that there are 2 people in this world that would drop what they were doing and do anything to help me if I needed it. I would like to be able to say 3, since I’ve always been able to count on him and he’s bailed me out (not jail people!) countless times before, but I don’t know that if I needed his help that he’d be there for me. Which is really kinda sad … but anyways. I know that there isn’t anything in this world that my mom or my sister wouldn’t do for me. Family is the greatest support system any person can have. And I feel sorry for the people that can’t rely on their family or aren’t confidant that their family would be there for them if they needed help. I am so thankful for my family and even my extended family. I know that I can go to any Aunt or Uncle or cousin and ask for help. And part of having a support system is having the ability to support someone else. I know that I can say that I’ve tried to support and/or help others whenever possible. And sometimes, I’ve gotten screwed. *coughjennzienkowskicough* But, I really don’t feel that bad about it. I know that if an old friend called up and said that the needed help or needed something, I’d do my best to help them out. Same goes for friends, and ex-boyfriends (except for when they call up wanting you to bail them out of jail). I wasn’t raised to turn my back on people. I was taught to have compassion for others, and no matter what these people, family/friends/ex-friends/ex-boyfriends, did to me or how bad they’ve hurt me, I cared about them at one point (and maybe even still do), and that’s enough for me to want to help them.
• …communication. Communication is something that I have struggled with for a while. But, I’m working on it. I’ve learned that botteling things up doesn’t help. Flying off the handle doesn’t help either. Yelling and screaming really doesn’t help. Throwing things doesn’t help at all (especially shoes). Being open and honest with people about issues, or problems is really the best thing. If you’re annoyed that your significant other would rather work an extra shift than spend that time with you – discuss it. And the other person needs to be open to what you have to say. One person should be able to say – “I’m a little bit hurt that you picked up another shift this week. I was looking forward to spending time with you since you worked and slept all weekend long and we really didn’t get to spend much time together alone since we had to go to a family function of yours”. And the other person should be able to understand where they are coming from. And compromise! Irked because she nags about every little thing? Discuss it with her. Be open and honest – say “It bothers me that you get on my case about taking out the trash, or picking up another shift, or not hanging up the towel in the bathroom- or whatever” I am not a mind reader – are you?! You can’t expect people to know things if you don’t clue them in! I’ve really come to realize that it has to be a 2 way street. I think that sometimes in life we tend to “let things slide” as to avoid an argument, but when you’ve let a lot of stuff slide and it’s piling up- it becomes a bigger mess than it would have been if you had just discussed it in the first place! People say that others make mountains out of mole hills… when things are ignored they go from being a molehill into a mountain. With communication comes understanding of the other person. Everyone’s communication skills are different- some are passive, and some are aggressive. You need to respect the other person’s communication skills and try to work with them on it. Compromise! If one person wants to talk about something, and the other doesn’t – compromise. Don’t talk about it immediately, but say we’ll take a break and come back in X hours to hash this out. You need to work together, not apart.
• …trust. Trust isn’t automatic. It’s something that needs to be build up. And when you do have trust in someone, and they do something to make you question or lose trust in them (such as lying or cheating), it can take a while for that trust to come back. I mean, you’ve done something to lose it, now do something to gain it back. And it takes time. I know that this is something that I struggled, and still struggle with. Having been lied to and cheated on (emotional and physical) I do have trust issues. But the one doing the lying and the cheating could have at least attempted to gain the trust back. Whatever.
• …regret. There’s a quote from the play, RENT- “forget regret, or life is yours to miss”. While, yes I wish I would have done certain things in my life differently or not done at all, I don’t regret them. I look at them as learning experiences. Everyday we learn something new. If I spend all my time worrying about the things that have already happened, and the things that I have absolutely no way of changing, I’ll never be able to make the future better. I know that I have a hard time letting go of the past, and letting bygones be bygones, but we really do need to forgive and forget. Unfortunately I’ve learned from experience that you never know if the last time you talk to someone, that it might really be the last time forever. I would have never imagined that the last conversation with my Aunt Mary would have been about the play WICKED. She and I had always had our ups and downs, but I’m glad that I can look back on our last conversation and smile about the way she gushed about seeing the play on Broadway with old theater buddies, and her telling me how much I’d love it. And she was right- I did love it. If things in life need to end, then they should end on a quazi positive note. I’m glad my last conversation with Mimi was positive, because never in a million years would we have expected her to die so suddenly. Anyway- my point is when it comes to people you care about, no matter how bad the situation, at least let them know that love them and care about them. You’d hate for the last thing you say to them to be something mean and nasty. Or a lie.
• …myself.
o I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, and a fighter.
o I can stand on my own two feet with out having to lean on someone else.
o I know that even after the hurt I’ve been thru, I will still love with all my heart.
o I know that I miss hanging out with my best friend, but can look back on the great times we’ve had, and the things we’ve shared and smile.
o I need to let go of control, allow myself to be surprised and allow myself to just “go with the flow”.
o I believe in fate, and know that things happen for a reason.
o I’m stronger than I had thought, and I’m not as horrible as some have made me out to be.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to laugh, I mean really laugh about something.
o I had forgotten how a smile can totally brighten someone’s day (even my own).
o I need to just be able to let myself be happy.
o I had forgotten that I need to make myself happy, before someone else can make me happy.
o I often put others before myself, and I shouldn’t do that so much.
o I know that the clouds have been cleared away, and I’m letting the sunshine in.
o I’m starting to see things for how they are, and no longer looking thru rose colored glasses. (I suggest that others do the same too).
o I know that any situation (even the worst) can be made better if you’re willing to commit.
o I know that it’s always darkest before the dawn.
o I had forgotten what it’s like to be an individual.
o I know that I only wish the best for those who have chosen to leave.
o I realized that inside jokes are still funny 10 years later.:goodvibes