View Full Version : Episode 2: Attack of the birds

01-30-2001, 02:38 PM
For those of you that have read Episode 1, I'm sorry to say that things don't get much better in this report. Rest easy, however, this story will eventually have a happy ending. In lieu of using our real names, the 18 month old will continue to be known as the Octopus (or at times, "the babe"), my wife will be known as Lucy or Mom, the 8 year old is Map Boy or Huckle and the five year old will be named in another episode.

Episode 2: Attack of the birds

Finding our way to the Grand Floridian was quite easy and although we were all weary from our travels, the excitement of Disney began to take hold. Take hold of me and the boys that is, a pregnant mom is always much tougher to impress. Entering the guarded parking lot of the Grand Floridian and getting our personalized parking pass from the attendant was a good feeling. We had successfully made it safely to the hotel without any injuries to either us or those unfortunate enough to have crossed our path. This was a major accomplishment. The tuxedoed pianist, fresh flowers and incredibly detailed five-story lobby are immediate evidence that this hotel lives up to its name. This is truly a grand hotel.

With an increasingly tired crew, I quickly check in receiving a nice packet of information on both the hotel and the theme parks. A brief embrace from captain hook adds a nice touch to the check-in process. Along with the packet comes two deceivingly dangerous items. Nestled in their cute little envelope, sits the two harmless looking room keys. Not the old metal keys that would have certainly fit in with the décor of this stately hotel. No, these are the plastic keys found in today's most modern hotels. "Your key to the world" boldly emblazoned on my personalized card. As you may have guessed, its ability to open my room door is not what makes this a dangerous item. Its dual role as a charge card that allows for the painless charging of any item within the World is what makes this a hazardous item. Food, tickets, drinks by the pool, any of the billions of items that are made available to you can quickly be added to your hotel bill with a simple swipe of this innocuous little card. Gathering the crew, we head off to our room. Bocca Chica 8342.

A few days before arriving, I dutifully faxed my room request for a Magic Kingdom view. This would be an upgrade from the garden view room that I had reserved. The room turned out to have a "partial" view of the MK, unfortunately the castle was fully obscured by the spire of Narcoose's restaurant. Overall we are happy with the room, but did have three immediate complaints. Although the room was newly renovated, it smelled bad. We originally thought it was smoke, but later determined that it may have just been the newness of the room. Second, the new carpet, wallpaper and bedspread were all very busy floral patterns. Spending large amounts of time it the room was equivalent spending an equal amount of time on the tea cup ride. Third, our luggage never appeared. After checking out the room, the big boys and I offered to go explore the food offerings at the Gasperilla grill. We returned to the room with a pizza, two ice creams and some drinks for a little over $30. A few hours into the trip and that pesky little man in the back of my brain that keeps a rough running total of expenses is already screaming at me. At this point I’m thinking that I have underestimated my food budget. With still no sign of our luggage, I call down to the lobby and soon our bags arrive. The Bellhop, dressed in an odd pair of knickers somehow makes me uncomfortable.

After a good nights sleep, I quickly realize that getting a family of three young boys to the parks early will not be an option. While waiting for the crew to arise, I sit out on the balcony and marvel at the clear blue skies. Looking down, I see at least three workers picking up the slightest bits of litter and several housekeepers walking along the walkways with parasols open. OK, I think, the magic is taking hold. The fresh morning breeze all but washes away any memories of the day before. Even the little man with the calculator is quiet, for now.

After a quick breakfast at the Gasperilla grill ($25 for three cereals, a muffin and two juices) we head off for the Magic Kingdom. The boys love the monorail and the ride lasts only a few minutes from the second floor stop of our hotel. With four annual pass vouchers, we first stop at the ticket window to get our new passes. Finger scans are required for the adults to get in the park. Disney has come a long way since the days of the ticket books. Once inside, the spectacle of Main Street immediately sweeps you off your feet. I find it difficult to take in the sights while keeping an eye on each of my boys as they take in the castle for the first time. Although I have been to MK several times, I am always amazed at how I can still remember the feelings I had the first time I entered the front gates. I watch my boys suck in the atmosphere that someday they too will remember when taking their children into the park for the first time.

My oldest boy has assumed the role of "Map Boy" and is our navigator through all of the parks. We immediately head over to the new Pooh ride. Expecting to try out the Fast Pass system, we are pleasantly surprised by the 10-minute wait for this very popular ride. This is the longest we would wait for any ride during our trip (except for the test track where we used Fast Pass, but they were experiencing technical difficulties). Experiencing his first ride ever, the octopus was a bit apprehensive, those heffalumps and woozles are pretty frightening to a 1 year old. After the Pooh ride we do the Tomorrow land Transit Authority ride. I've always liked this ride and we all have fun zipping past the Space Mountains section. From there, Map Boy and I break off and do Space Mountain (with a Fast Pass…very nice). Map Boy gives Space Mountain his highest rating, "that was awesome". Well, with the slow start and equally slow pace, we are ready for lunch.

Reader Alert! Those with weak stomachs may want to skip the next paragraph:

I am always fascinated by unusual occurrences. Those freaks of nature that cause one to pause and reassess what is possible within the physical laws of nature. Enter the 18 month old, AKA the octopus, who is having a bit of a problem. Maybe it’s the excitement of the trip, the scary rides or it could be a reaction to some of the food, but the little guy has a serious poop problem. After going through a few diapers in the morning, we hope that the remaining diaper will last us through the rest of the day. As we head for lunch, the boys are first to complain about what is now an all too familiar odor. "The babe stinks", they shout in unison. Well, Lucy has been changing the little guy all morning and I quickly take charge and head the stroller towards the men's room. At this point, Lucy, I'm sure, has not experienced any magic and I'm determined to change that (and the little guy) as quickly as possible. Here is where things become a little surreal. This is also my last warning for those with weak stomachs. Bail now or read on at your own risk. Still with me? Ok, buckle up and prepare for the e-ticket ride of parenthood. Grabbing the boy, our last diaper, some wipes and a changing pad, I head off to the men's room. It doesn't take long to realize that I am way over matched. Having already used up several diapers, I'm thinking what lies before me is impossible. The babe has somehow exploded. I'm sure all parents can remember a similar moment in their child rearing past. Double it. All over his back, down his legs and into his shoes. I grab the stuff and cower back outside to more experienced hands. Sitting there in one of those moments where there seems as if there is no solution, Lucy volunteers to head back to the hotel and take care of the matter. To me, this is not an option. I have spent way too much time and money preparing for this trip and am fully determined to find this girl some magic. We (OK I) decide to toss the clothes ("but that's one of my favorite outfits"), Lucy takes the gear and the boy to the ladies room. Moments later she returns with a cleaned boy, a smelly shoe and a really gross changing pad. I take these items and furiously clean them in the hope that we can continue our day and have some fun. I've lost hope of experiencing any magic at this point.

We head off for lunch. I spot the Lunching Pad, somehow I still have an appetite and am looking forward to a big turkey leg. We grab a table and Map Boy and I head over to a nearby hotdog vendor for two dogs for the boys. As I am walking back I notice a look of disbelief on Lucy's face. The babe has pooped again. This is a test. For those unfamiliar with my temperament, I can be a bit stubborn at times. I refuse to let this "problem" stop us from having a good time. I drop off the dogs, tell Kath and the boys to eat and I will go to the family center and take care of everything. I buy some wipes and diapers and begin changing the boy. There's not that much and I think that the well is beginning to run dry. Is it possible for more to come out than goes in? As I am finishing up, in walks Kath and the boys. For those that have seen the movie Parenthood, think of the scene where Steve Martin mentally rides the roller coaster as his child destroys the set of the play that he is in. Going back a few moments in time. After I left to change The Octopus, Lucy gets up to get the boys a drink. Just after ordering she turns to see them frantically dodging some bees (Note: we have not seen, nor do we see again any other insects during our stay at Disney). As they run around the table, two seagulls swoop down and steel their hotdogs, bun and all. Do you think the bees were working with the birds? Like Steve Martin, I have entered a new level of consciousness. Somehow, at this point, I know that the rest of our vacation will be magical.

01-30-2001, 02:50 PM
I can't stop laughing! This is so funny. I can just imagine the whole episode in my head. Please hurry I am looking forward to the next Post! You deserve some magic now! :D

01-30-2001, 03:03 PM
This has to be the best trip report we have read!! Hurry with more, we can't wait!!!

We will be laughing with you!

William & Mary
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MAY 2000 DxL

01-30-2001, 03:12 PM
That's a good one! I guess you can laugh at it now but it probably wasn't funny at the time! Anyway, we were down in December and we didn't see any bugs but we did meet a carnivorous bird in AK. He would wait for us to drop pieces of our "Emu" legs and he would fly down off the top of the Emu stand and devour the tidbits! Fortunately, my DW and I did not remind him of large drumsticks! :D

Disneyland 1970
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Coronado Springs 12/1-12/5 and Portofino Bay 12/6-12/8
Next trip: possibly February 2002

01-30-2001, 03:26 PM
$25 for three cereals, a muffin and two juices??? no wonder they call it *Gasp*erilla Grill!

I know from the diaper about which you speak. We had one of those in New Orleans once...

Mackey Mouse
01-30-2001, 03:47 PM
OMG, I have got to say this has been the most entertaining trip report I have read in a while.. In fact, it was so good, I had to read aloud to my husband the part about the baby, covered head to toe and in the shoes.. I am still laughing. If you are not a writer, you should be.. You have to have been an English major, to hold my attention all the way through, amazing.. I only hope you write some more.

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01-30-2001, 04:15 PM
it is soooooo funny and my eyes are burning from the tears that are streaming down my face....you are a great writer.....you should try to enter this in a parents magazine.....by the way....when we took our grandkids to disney the first year...the diaper scene was a duplicate of ours....I think it was the water...!!!@


01-30-2001, 04:32 PM
What an entertaining trip report! Thanks so much for taking the time to post this.


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01-30-2001, 05:52 PM
I am still laughing as I type this...How funny...thanks for posting...I can't wait for the rest! :)

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01-30-2001, 05:52 PM
Very funny! We parents can relate to the diaper scene. The joy of kids. . . and traveling . . .

01-30-2001, 05:54 PM
I have really enjoyed reading your reports and I hope with the next installment, things start to go better!!!!

Dan Murphy
01-30-2001, 07:18 PM
Again, Joe, a great one. LOL :)

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01-30-2001, 10:49 PM
Unable to sleep, here I am sitting at my computer, reading your trip report, and cracking up laughing. Your report is the funniest one I have ever read!! I can't wait till tomorrow to show it to my husband. Also, just wanted to tell you that you're a great guy to want to give your wife some Disney magic. Hurry with the next installment. :D

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01-30-2001, 10:53 PM
I recognize the diaper too. Ours was in the Wonders Of Life Pavillion, and happened while the DS1 was in one of those child-carrier backpack things. Needless to say both he and I went home brand new sports-themed character t-shirts from the nearest shop.

I'd also really like to thank the anonymous CMs (3 of them) who descended on the Men's room to undo the damage we did.

01-31-2001, 04:35 AM
I am thoroughly enjoying reading your trip reports. It brings me back to the days when my boys were little. Thanks for sharing with us.

All Star Sports 2/98
Caribbean Beach 2/99
All Star Movies 4/00
Dixie Landings 9/00
Port Orleans 2/01

01-31-2001, 09:52 AM
Yikes! I don't ever remember being worried about Seagulls in Disney but thanks for the warning! I live close to the beaches in NJ and the Seagulls here will swoop down and snatch food right out of your hand. I refuse to even sit on the beach next to anyone who has a cooler. In NJ we refer to Seagulls as "Sky Rats".
Love the reports...keep'em coming

01-31-2001, 10:12 AM
Wow, I'm glad you're all enjoying my trip reports. Unfortunately, the rest of the trip was not quite as eventful. Now, I'm under a lot of pressure to keep things interesting. I do have a paper to write this weekend (MBA at night), a full time job and as you know 3 boys and a pregnant wife to keep me busy. Therefore, I don't expect to get Episode 3 out until some time next week. I will try to make it worth the wait. Thanks for the many compliments.

Mackey Mouse
01-31-2001, 04:03 PM
Whenever you are ready Joe, your fans will be here waiting.. :)

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01-31-2001, 04:35 PM
I just finished writing my second instalment..short and sweet and Just finished writing about the birds that attacked me and my son!! We laughed so hard. I was walking by and this bird took the whole thing...those dogs are HUGE and the roll and boom..its gone whole thing never hit the ground. So I go to get a new hotdog they give me another one..and this guy is walking by with his son when boom the bird gets it...the whole thing..the father is so bewildered!! I run over and send him back for another hotdog..which they refuse to give him...until another worker checks in and takes care of it! I was attacked a second time but I fought them off!! It was Friday May 19 when it happened to us.

Hope all else went well!

01-31-2001, 06:21 PM
We were there from 1/10 through 1/20. The birds were very aggressive. When the adults were around, they would pretty much stay away, but if the boys were alone....watch out. One of the CM's told me that the seagulls come inland when it gets colder. My poor boys may never be the same. The other odd thing was the bees. Like I said above, we never saw any other insects while we were there. Like a good friend of mine said, you tend to remember experiences like these more than you do the good ones. It is surely a story we will remember for a long while.

02-01-2001, 06:45 AM
Joe - Great storytelling. As a parent of 2 octopie I can relate to your adventure. Your naration is very funny and enjoyable. A true classic in the making!

02-01-2001, 10:03 AM
That was just too funny! The "Octopus" sounds delightful, hope his tummy has recovered! Oh, the joys of being a parent. You're trip report is like reading a "Behind the Scenes" Tourist Edition. Thanks again!


Marla Hellwig
02-16-2001, 06:44 PM
Diaper - been there done that. Mental note to self - watch for attacking seagulls. Thanks for posting!

02-16-2001, 07:02 PM
That was the greatest. I had to share with my husband your trials and tribulations. I was laughing so hard trying to tell him the story... that I finally gave up and printed the thing out for him! :D

I admire your bravery and true intent to put the "magic" back in the day for your wife. Good job with the right up and for the good intentions. Keep up the report writeups. I am going to search for you specifically!


02-20-2001, 04:08 AM
I would just like to say to begin this tale I was building a Thomas Kincade 2000 piece puzzle as my wife was watching Every Loves Raymond last night when my wife was laughing uncontrollably. I asked her what she was finging so darn much humor in and she said it was the funniest trip report that she has ever read. She then read the reports outloud to me starting with report 1, and then onto report 2. She was only able to speak a word or two before breaking down into laughter. I have never seen her laugh so hard. She was in tears the complete story. Normally she reads what I print out and takes the information similiar to a child being fed something good for them, however with this trip report she was overwhelmed. All I can say is Thanks a bunch. You really made her evening....


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02-20-2001, 12:49 PM
Still laughing..... Can't wait to hear about the rest of your WDW adventure.

Cousin Orville
02-20-2001, 01:27 PM
ROFL! Too funny.. in a sad sort of way. I hope the trip gets better, Joe.

Cousin Orville
Inventor of Air Cooling - CoP

02-20-2001, 03:50 PM
OMG! This is funny stuff! A very enjoyable trip report. I can just picture all this happening in my head. I waiting on pins and needles for the next one.

2/01-Offsite (HIFS)
3/02-7 Day Disney Cruise!

02-21-2001, 10:04 AM
Joe - what a great report!! I saw those wacko birds at MK, we were walking in tomorrowland and a nice eldery lady in a wheelchair was being pushed towards us by her family. She was enjoying the sunshine and the day while munching on a hot dog. Before we all knew what was happening a seagull (or whatever they are) swooped down, briefly "sat" on her lap and took the remainder of her hot dog right out of her hand!!! I swear I heard him chuckle as he flew away. The lady was wonderful about it, after the initial shock of it she started laughing and shaking her head, truly a lady of grace under pressure. It would have been easy to let an event like that dictate the mood of the day.

02-21-2001, 02:15 PM
I don't know how I missed these reports - glad someone bumped them back up. Laughing along with everyone else - I hope there is more! thanks for posting these, I am having fun reading them!

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02-21-2001, 03:51 PM
Oh no! What a comedy of errors...

I hope your DW did finally get to see the magic ;)

How funny... on to episode 3




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02-21-2001, 05:11 PM
Great job Joe!

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02-21-2001, 07:33 PM
I can't stop laughing!!!!!!

I really admire parents of small children.

02-21-2001, 10:51 PM
these are great reports! Not since Clark Griswalds (aka Goofyme) reports have a I laughed so hard. Keep them coming!


Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

02-22-2001, 10:28 AM
I'm hoping no one walks into my room here at work to see me laughing hysterically!!

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02-22-2001, 10:40 AM
I don't want to wait till next week!:( These are just too precious, I hope you are saving all this stuff in a scrapbook. I certainly can relate to the exploding baby!
We will be there next week! Cannot wait for the killer birds!

02-22-2001, 03:10 PM
bump! to keep these together!

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#1 Disney Fan
02-22-2001, 03:52 PM
Thanks for posting this! :)

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02-22-2001, 06:21 PM
bump to second

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02-22-2001, 06:49 PM
All I can say is ROTFLMBO!!! :)
Great report, looking forward to the next installment. :)

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02-23-2001, 01:20 PM
You are one talented writer... I can't stop smiling and laughing!!!
we don't have kids yet... but now I'm a little apprehensive about taking a baby, ha ha!!! :D

Robin Longley

02-23-2001, 01:46 PM
You MUST write a travel book on "what can happen" at Disney World. I swear after hearing that story Michael Eisner himself should knock at your door and hand you a lifetime pass to WDW :D You are a very good daddy ;)

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02-24-2001, 09:13 AM
My nephew had "the diaper" experience on a plane this week. My sister said she could hear the stewardess as they were leaving, "We're going to need clean-up on 1E." :D

As the mom of three kids, including one octopus, I am thoroughly enjoying your reports. Kudos to you and your wife.

02-24-2001, 11:41 AM
bump to put in order

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02-24-2001, 07:19 PM
Oh my gosh!! What a day. My downstairs neighbors are going to wonder what's so funny. :)


02-25-2001, 11:37 AM
Our diaper incident was during dinner at Cape May with an 8 month and 3 year old. That night the baby developed a terrifying fear of our waitress and would wail each and every time she approached or passed our table. Luckily the waitress and other guests all possessed a great sense of humor so were not overtly disturbed by this. As we attempted to salvage our dinner experience the baby let loose while sitting on my lap. I had no recourse, but to grab a few napkins to prevent drippage down my leg as I hightailed it to the restroom.

Needless to say, it is moments like this that become the lasting memories of our vacations!

3/98 CSR
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5/01 CSR

02-25-2001, 06:58 PM

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02-25-2001, 11:06 PM
I agree with some of the other posters that this is one of the best reports I have read. So entertaining. :D


02-27-2001, 12:02 PM
These are getting to low on the page!!!

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03-02-2001, 07:12 AM

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03-17-2001, 03:19 PM
What a day!

03-18-2001, 04:40 AM
<font color=666600>lol What a wonderful funny report.</font>

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04-09-2001, 11:05 AM
joedisney - you keep it interesting and real - love reading your reports. Thanks for all your time and efforts

:) BAS

03-06-2003, 01:43 PM

I am bumping this up as I am reading them to thank you for your reports. We are looking at traveling with our own little octupus (hopefully minus the diaper problems ;) ) who will also by 18 months old for his first trip! I am going to use your reports as research! :)

03-06-2003, 02:24 PM
Just the pick me up I needed. Were going in 10 days! Thanks for reminding me to take life as it comes.

03-06-2003, 02:44 PM
Darn! I thought this was a new trip report by JoeDisney!

You got to read all of the parts. This was one of my favorites!

03-07-2003, 11:06 AM
This has to be one of the funniest reports I have read in a long time. What a great guy your are for at least atempting to change the octopus. Things have to get better. Please write again SOON.

03-09-2003, 09:16 AM
And I thought things like this only happened to us! You are the male "Erma Bombeck"! Nothin is funnier than life itself! Can you tell me how to find the first episode? I can only locate episode 2. Thanks!

03-09-2003, 02:52 PM
Too funny! Thanks for the trip report. You will laugh one day at all this.....:p

03-09-2003, 06:26 PM
Talk about funny!!! I remember those days. Now I that I think about it, I refused to go on vacation and have to change diapers!! I am laughing so hard now. I must go tell my husband. You are truly a good father and husband.

03-09-2003, 07:13 PM
I am really enjoying your trip report and am waiting for your next installment.

I can't help thinking of a plane ride with my DH. He was wearing white shorts and holding the baby! You can guess the rest.

03-10-2003, 12:02 PM
Joe, I've been looking for your trip reports. They are the best! We now call our little one an octopus, while traveling. Ugh! So, how old is the new baby now?
Take care!

04-10-2003, 10:21 PM
I'm glad you liked my trip reports. My little princess will be two next month. She pretty much runs the house already. We can't believe how different (demanding?) she is compared to the boys. I am, however, going to have a very hard time not spoiling the pants of that little girl. She is just so darn cute. I will finally have some time to scan the boards again soon as I am 4 classes away from getting my MBA! We have a trip planned for January and we all can't wait to go back. Look for a new set of reports in early 2004...


04-14-2003, 01:09 PM
Great report Joedisney, but how come I can't find Episode One??? Can anyone give me a link please!!

04-15-2003, 09:58 PM
The "poop" is now a legend...
We had our "poop" on a small comunter airplane in the cramped seat behind the emergency exit.
after 3 days of "not going".....

What great stories we will have to tell our future in laws.

07-25-2003, 04:51 AM
Thanks for sharing ~ Wonderful reviews!!!!!

Todd Lee
07-29-2003, 01:43 PM
These reports are absolutely hilarious! I've got so much to look forward to with my our first baby due in 5 months.:p

07-29-2003, 06:47 PM
Parenthood is one of our favorite movies :)
Enjoyed your report; hang in there!