Song

[chexie]

so my friend wrote this song and wants to know what yall think of it???


i had a dream about us last night
we were so beautiful i nearly cried
Hand in hand, we walked through trees
suddenly u left, and i was on my knees.
Through the darkness you traveled on
i cried and cried for you to come home
but there you were walking in circles around me
i tried to save you, but you surrounded me
wont you set me free?


your love used to surround me...
my trust in you mustve made me weak
when you left, then i just fell
life without you a living hell
at night the nightmares all come back
so many screams, theres no keeping track

now its obvious to me, now
that should hate you, but how
ohh how, how can i?

You were so good to me when
I held on to you but then
you made me cry...

the worlds rushing by, all around me
all i can do is sit here and worry
it seems that you took all the strength i had left
ill find you, ill sue you, ill acuse you of theft
These little drops of water still continue to fall
you were my everything, my life my all
wont you set me free?

[Babyjustrun]

It's pretty good.
Though, apostrophes & capitalization would make it easier to read.
The oh how thing would sound weird singing.
& the 'I'll sue you, accuse you of theft.' Well.. just doesn't seem to fit.

[Sparx]

I used to write songs for a local band. I'm a lyricist. Its okay. Resembles some of my beginner work. Thats nothing to be ashamed of. But its awfully wordy. some lines need to be omitted, and it needs to be cleaned up, but other than that, its okay.

[TinkerTracy]

I used to write some lyrics and stuff . I like it, but it's too wordy and rhyme-y. Other than that good job, especially for a first try.

[tinkerbell12]

Pretty nice...

[Blumonkeyboy]

would you mind if i cleaned it up and set it to music

[chexie]

yeah go right ahead.

[EeyoreFan1]

I'm brutal.

Its....ok... Needs lots of work..

[AngienLuLu]

Wow, it's really good! :)

[BabyPiglet]

I didn't like it at all. The whole concept and story of it makes absolutly no sense. Some lines in there completly boggle me...

She needs to work on it a lot more.

[BeachBabi0]

its okay.

you see, its kind of like trying to read a book from the middle of it...you have to figure out whats going on and sometimes that just isnt possible. im sure that, with more work, it'll be great!

[Sparx]

Heres an idea. Read poetry. Read song lyrics. Look at the way the words fit together. Poetry isn't an audible thing. Poetry is visual. The words have to look as beautiful as they sound. That might help your friend out.