Family Response has DH Fuming

[KathyRN137]

I just need to share....thanks for listening! :grouphug:

We are a family of four; our youngest son (8yrs) is autistic and our daughter (10 yrs) is typical. We fell in love with WDW about four years ago and bought into the DVC so that we could afford an annual vacation in this truly special place. We have gone every year since then.

I have five sisters, four of whom live in the same state (N.J.). We are close. My DH is not too fond of my family; sometimes he perceives the closeness as "butting in" and he feels my sisters are too bossy toward their husbands and each other. I am the eldest. I see my sisters as strong-minded and very open and caring; I don't feel like they're bossing me around and what transpires between them and their husbands is their own business. Nevertheless, my traditional "the-man-is-the-head-of-the-house" husband can find them irksome at times. So, the relationships were not the best even before this latest issue arose.

Now, two of my sisters have also been to WDW a few times and are big fans as well. My one sister has one child, a girl, who is the same age as my DD. Last year, they decided to do a short last-minute trip to WDW and the first 2 days of their trip overlapped with the last 2 days of ours. They grabbed a room at ASMu and we were staying at our home resort, SSR. We met up in the MK the first night and again at EPCOT the next morning and did some touring together. :goodvibes

I was really happy because the 2 girls get along well and they had such a great time together. DH turned into Grumpy:mad: because he felt that as soon as her cousin came along, DD "dumped" her autistic little brother and just wanted to sit with my niece on every ride. Well, in my mind, she deserved a break. My DS' behavior is rough and it's hard when so much attention goes to him b/c of his disabilities. And, even if he was just a normal little brother, she would probably rather sit with her same-age-same-sex cousin, anyway. Duh!

Unfortunately, my sister opened her mouth and said as much to my DH. Now, I know him well enough to know when to keep my mouth shut because sometimes I don't think it's wise to throw gasoline on a fire! :rolleyes1 Later, when he was in a less grumpy mood, I would share my feelings about the whole thing and he would be more open to my view. (Timing is everything in marital discussions.)

But, coming from my sister! He was fuming for the rest of the day.:headache: I tried to downplay his rudeness, but it was quite obvious to my sister and her husband. We decided to go our seperate family ways and it kind of spoiled the last day for me. I always get a little depressed on our last day, anyway, and DH and I wound up having a spat and it was a real bummer.:sad1:

Back to the present. Another sister is planning a trip during the exact week that we are for this November. Her kids are much younger (5, 3, and 1 yr.). Because we have the DVC, we invited them to stay with us at a DVC resort so they could have more room. They politely declined, and will be staying at CBR. We agreed to meet up for a character meal or fireworks or something, but my sister made it pretty clear that she did not want to tour with us.

While we were discussing this at a family party, another sister mentioned wanting to go to WDW soon (her first time). Again, the offer of staying with us at DVC was declined. Again, vague talk about "wanting our kids to experience WDW for the first time with just our own family", not as an extended family.

Well, you guessed it, DH is fit to be tied. He thinks that they don't want to stay with us or tour with us because of DS's autism/behaviors, and he is now feeling insulted and put out. He has declared that he does not want to have anything to do with my sisters, at WDW or anywhere else, for that matter.:sad2:

I have tried to delicately explain to him that it is not our son's behavior that is the issue here, but he is being stubborn and unreasonable. (Is it any wonder that he gets a new Grumpy tee shirt every year?)

I feel bad because it would be a great experience for the kids to be able to share WDW with their cousins, aunts, and uncles. It just doesn't seem worth the aggravation to try to force the issue.

Oh well, perhaps dreams of a big extended family trip are a bit unrealistic, anyway. I'll just have to content myself with a big get-together at Chef Mickey's or an afternoon swim together at the resort pool. It will put me in a tough spot if DH decides not to join the rest of the family, but, somebody's got to be the grown-up around here and that looks like me.

Thanks for the vent.....

Kathy

[Goofyluver]

My heart goes out to you. Sometimes as parents of special needs kiddos (I'm one too) we are sensitive about particular things. At times, our views may be skewed. It sounds like maybe your DH is just a little sensitive about this, whether it is warranted or not. I hope things go well on your vacations and I hope that your DH is able to get past whatever is weighing on his mind.

[mirthmaiden]

:hug: Hugs to you sweetie. Although I don't have a special needs child, I know exactly what it's like to be in middle of these kinds of family conflicts. In fact, we are going to WDW in August and may not even tell my parents (who live about 50 miles away) because we want to avoid all the stress and conflict that would result by our "dissing" (pardon the pun...) them and not staying there, etc. But if we did stay there, we'd be at each other's throats the whole time :sad1:

Of course I can't speak for your sisters, but it sounds like maybe they are concerned about potential conflict and not wanting to spoil your vacation by putting you in the middle. I think it's just human nature to try to avoid these kinds of conflicts because they are so uncomfortable for everyone.

[Belle68]

its not easy keeping everyone happy. our DD12 has a dual diagnosis of DS and ASD and more often than not my DH and i don't always see i to i and various issues, i sometimes feel my DH is over sensitive an over protective of our DD and he would probably see things the same way as your DH, i guess it must be a dad thing!!!!
keep buying the 'Grumpy t-shirts'!!!!!!!!!
:thumbsup2

[JESW]

I can see both sides of this. I am the Mom of a ds12 with aspergers. We travel on our own as his behavior is not always predictable. If he wasn't my son but one of my siblings son, I wouldn't want to stay with them while on vacation. It may sound selfish, but I would not chose to be with a family member with that type of behavior. As much as I would love him as a nephew, it doesn't mean that I would want to use my family vacation time on anything other than staying with my own family. Does that make sense?

Dh has a sister with a ds7 who we never want to vacation with due to his behavior. Dh has a brother with a ds4 and we are trying to get them to come to Disney with us one time this year. I don't mind spending time with either nephew when dh's family gets together, but it doesn't mean I want to vacation with them both.

And as far as your dd going off with her cousin instead of her brother, poor kid shouldn't be faulted for that! My dd8 has to spend a lot of time with her brother at home and I encourage her to go off with others when she can.

It isn't easy mixing families....

Jill

[FayeW]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it wasn't about your son's behaviour! Your husband couldn't manage to be polite to your sister and her family for a whopping day and half, and clearly has a tendancy to blow up at any slight, be it real or imagined. No big mystery why they don't want to take you up on your generous offer. Sounds like you treat him with kid gloves to keep the peace, but not everybody will.

Frankly, I would tell him that most likely they didn't want to stay with HIM because he behaves like an arrogant a$s, but that's just me.

[missypie]

No advice, only :grouphug: . I, too, am married to Grumpy and he has affected our vacations, too. I always say (but not to him), you take a horse's rear with you on vacation, and you've got a horse's rear with you on vacation. He'll probably never see that his behavior is the issue.

But please don't let your DD feel bad about wanting to pal around with her cousin. She'd want to do that even if her brother was [nsert name of current pre-teen heart throb.]

[SandraC]

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO


Sandra

[ducklite]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it wasn't about your son's behaviour! Your husband couldn't manage to be polite to your sister and her family for a whopping day and half, and clearly has a tendancy to blow up at any slight, be it real or imagined. No big mystery why they don't want to take you up on your generous offer. Sounds like you treat him with kid gloves to keep the peace, but not everybody will.

Frankly, I would tell him that most likely they didn't want to stay with HIM because he behaves like an arrogant a$s, but that's just me.

I was thinking along the same lines. I have a friend who has two kids around my sons age--one is special needs. I love her and her kids, but her overbearing, boorish, and downright obnoxious husband is another story. I avoid situations where he will be around, which is unfortunate because my entire family really enjoys spending time with my friend and her kids.

Anne

[OKWMom]

So sorry. I don't have any advice either, but I do hate it for you. It has to be really tough to have a close relationship with your family and have your husband not "get it".

I also understand you are hurt because the families can't stay together while at WDW. My sister, her husband, and my two nieces were in Disney for the exact same week as my family last year and if we hadn't run into them at MGM, I wouldn't have seen her at all. She said she wanted time for her own family, but my BIL told my father that he didn't want the pressure of dealing with my 9 year old with autism and her behaviors. I understand that, I really do, but it still hurts.

[LindsayDunn228]

After reading your story, it sounds more like people don't want to be around your husband, not your son. With his attitude, I'd probably avoid him while in WDW, too. Sorry.

[Merriwind]

After reading your story, it sounds more like people don't want to be around your husband, not your son. With his attitude, I'd probably avoid him while in WDW, too. Sorry.

Exactly what I was thinking. Good luck--your hubby sounds like a handful! :grouphug:

[seashoreCM]

>>> [DH] thinks that they don't want to stay with us or tour with us because of DS's autism/behaviors,

>>> if DH decides not to come, but, somebody's got to be the grown-up around here and that looks like me.

Maybe the best thing you could do for yourself, DS, and your extended family is to be able to finagle a day or two at Disney without DH. Maybe an aunts/mothers gathering with all the kids, DS included, while the uncles/fathers go off together as a stag group or perhaps together with some older boys, DS not included.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

[shovan]

Even without disability issues, vacationing with extended family does not always meet expectations. Everyone has there own quirks and different families do things their own way.

If your DH is this upset about them not accepting your offer, imagine how he'd act if they did accept! I would think that a sharing accomodations would only end up causing you a lot more grief!

I would not push for a "combined" vacation. Meet up for a meal or two, but don't go together.

[OneMoreTry]

Speaking as a father of a disabled kid with issues which are very similar to autism AND as one whose wife's family is totally different from mine:

First of all to FayeW: calling DH names AIN'T gonna solve this and is only going to fuel the fire. (Sounds like you may have an anger issue of your own.) On the other hand I DO agree that the OP's siblings have made a WISE decision because of DAD's behavior. I wouldn't want to be around anyone at WDW who is pouting.

Second, the issues here are HUGE and not simple. An autistic child. Differences between upbringing between husband and wife. Dad/husband who deals with stress by getting angry.

I have one word: counselor. Both husband and wife should go at first. You guys have a huge responsibility to take care of an autistic kid and no one understands that except someone who has an autistic kid. I know your sibs don't. Find a good one you both like and trust. You may have to try a few. It's worth the bucks for sure.

It sounds like OP has a lot of wisdom -- waiting to speak that first day!! You need some encouragement in that. You BOTH need encouragement. Your real strength is in learning to LISTEN to each other and communicate well what you're feeling. And that's gonna be hard for DH.

Hang in there. If you do a day can come when your DH and your family are good friends.

[KathyRN137]

Thanks to all of you for your kind support.:hug:

Yes, marriage can be hard enough work without the added stress of an autistic child. It can be a real challenge melding two people who were brought up in two very different family situations into one perfectly happy couple and then expect that they will respond to life's difficulties in the same way.

I love my DH dearly and he has many character strengths. Controlling his anger is not one of them! He has a low boiling point; I have one that is considerably higher. He has often said that we were well-matched because our strengths and our weaknesses really do seem to balance each other out. For example, he is able to be firm with the kids whereas I am more of a pushover.

(One of us is a nurse and the other is a cop--can you guess which is which? :lmao: )

One More Time: You suggested counselling, which I think would be a very good idea if our character differences were threatening our marriage. Despite my little internet vent, we actually have a very strong relationship! I guess that opposites do attract. Good relationships don't just fall into your lap; they require work. Perhaps I percieve myself as working a bit harder at it than he does sometimes :rolleyes1 but, we are both working on it and that is okay with me.

Fortunately, we love each other and our kids very much.

JESW: You mentioned that you would prefer to spend your vacation time with just your family. I do think that this is what is in the minds of my sisters, despite the issues with DH and DS's autistic behaviors.

I'm sure that you all have read some horror stories from extended families that thought a "grand gathering" at WDW would be wonderful and were very disappointed when things didn't work out. It's only natural to fall in love with WDW and then want to share it with ALL the people you love! In my case, this would not be such a great idea.

BTW, I am still working on me TR from our trip this past November. I hope to post it soon. I'm doing it all on Word first b/c I just know that I would turn out to be one of those TR writers who starts a TR and then doesn't finish and leaves everyone hanging and I can't stand that!!:headache:

Again, thanks everyone for sharing and caring!

Kathy

[spiceycat]

Kathy - you do alot better than I would.

maybe your sisters could meet you and your children - tell husband to go somewhere else (I know mean - but he really needs anger management). take their husbands and go fishing or golfing or something.

then your sisters and kids could at least get together for a meal.

so at least the cousins could see each other. (not to mention sisters)

you are not making me feel better about the police. He has too much anger. that is very, very hard to deal with.

you are doing great!!!

I can't deal with my anger much less someone else.

have you ever video these meeting and played them back to him. He may not be aware that he is the one that is irriating and not his son.\

so sorry :hug: :grouphug:

[Debbie Jean]

Kathy, you are an awesome mom, wife and sister! :goodvibes What a great job you've done balancing all the needs and demands... not an easy task with everyone involved.

Maybe since your sister mentioned a character meal together, you could make it a breakfast and encourage poor, hardworking DH to sleep in that morning ;) It would give you some time with the girls as well as letting the kiddies really enjoy themselves.

Have a wonderful, wonderful trip! pixiedust:

[KathyRN137]

... i sometimes feel my DH is over sensitive an over protective of our DD and he would probably see things the same way as your DH, i guess it must be a dad thing!!!!
keep buying the 'Grumpy t-shirts'!!!!!!!!!
:thumbsup2

I never thought about it that way. He's more of a protector and I'm more of a nurturer.

You know how in those old Western movies the wagons would form a circle when the Indians attacked? Sometimes I think he has been doing that emotionally since our son's diagnosis became "public".

Sometimes I think he would like our little family to stay in its own little cocoon. He came from a family of 4 that was like that; he has one brother and they get along, but are not what I would call "close". I came from a big family of 8 (six girls). :grouphug: It's hard to explain the sister relationship to someone who never had one.


Kathy

[LindaBabe]

As a grandma, I agree with DebbieJean about breakfast . . . but I also agree with SpiceyCat. A short fuse is scarey in anyone but really scarey in a policeman.

My husband is the "grumpy protector" type (there's actually a shirt for it) but he did learn to manage his anger - (which he inherited directly from his father who never learned)

[KathyRN137]

As a grandma, I agree with DebbieJean about breakfast . . . but I also agree with SpiceyCat. A short fuse is scarey in anyone but really scarey in a policeman.

Well, not to worry, he has been on the job for 20 yrs and no problems there. I suspect that one of the reasons he can relax and blow off steam once he is in the security of his own home is that he must control his emotions so strictly when he is at work doing a very stressful job.

Fortunately, Grumping is not the only way he does that. He runs and bikes almost every day. We were able to go to WDW together last month for Marathon Weekend/our anniversary. It's so therapeutic to get away alone without kids once in a while! It took me ten years before I felt comfortable leaving the kids overnight...now I want to do it every anniversary! :goodvibes

Kathy

[MommeeOfAPrnzess]

Its not your son that they don't want to stay with you its probbably your husband! Sorry, to say but I agree with you that your daughter needed a break for a bit - its her trip too and she needs some of her time too!
He needs to apologize to your sisters and extend a heart warming invitation to the ones that are going to stay with you or atleast meet up with you and tour - they probably don't want to interefer with you at your place which I can understand but they probably heard what happened and don't want that to happen to them.
I am glad you spoke up to him - he should realize that your older child is going thru a lot and probably does a lot for her brother but she's a kid too and needs her time -
I hope it works out that you all can spend some time together - talk to your sisters and explain to what happened and that you do want to spend some time with them at the world -
I am sure it will workout - be honest with them
Good luck

[ilovejack02]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it wasn't about your son's behaviour! Your husband couldn't manage to be polite to your sister and her family for a whopping day and half, and clearly has a tendancy to blow up at any slight, be it real or imagined. No big mystery why they don't want to take you up on your generous offer. Sounds like you treat him with kid gloves to keep the peace, but not everybody will.

Frankly, I would tell him that most likely they didn't want to stay with HIM because he behaves like an arrogant a$s, but that's just me.

:thumbsup2 :thumbsup2 :thumbsup2
Sorry but ITA, it prob isnt so much about your DS as it is about your DH. Who wants to hang with Mr.Grumpy? Certainly not me.
As far as you DD she needs to hang out with other children besides DS, i cant believe you DH cant see that.

[MP2002]

Hi Kathy,
It's crazy but I think you may be my twin family next door in Jersey. I am in Delaware and I come from a family of 8 w/6 girls. And all of my sibs and myself are up each other's butts (for lack of a better word)! We don't hesitate to correct each other's kids or butt into each others business (w/full consent from the other siblings) and I think sometimes it gets overwhelming for our SO's. I also know when there is tension w/the SO & the siblings it is really stressful. I hate the tip toeing around that is then necessary. By the way, I would be one of the bossy sisters that drive your SO crazy (I think sometimes one of my brother-in-laws deep down feels this way about me too but he also knows that in a pinch I am the one he relies on so it all evens out eventually). I think the problem your DH had w/what your sister said was sort of the "Who does she think she is telling me why my daughter is doing what she is doing? And that she has to explain my own child to me, her father!" On the surface this is a nothing issue but he was already hypersensitive to the fact that DD had "dumped" DS and I think it just spiralled from there if that makes any sense.

This may sound kind of stupid but I wonder if you sat your SO down & told him that your sisters are who they are and the reason they feel they can talk freely about what they think is best for your children (in that it is good for DD to be able to have a day to spend some time riding w/same age, same sex cousin/friend) is because they love BOTH your children. DD having this time to do her thing will make her happier to continue hanging w/younger brother later doing things more at his pace or his way. And sis must feel comfortable enough with your SO to be able to say this to him as well because she knows that again the common goal for both sis and SO is for you & kids to be happy and loved. But, having said all that, based on his reaction to what happened to the conversation above that now your siblings probably don't feel comfortable around your SO to be theirselves because they can tell that he is upset w/them and that is why they do not want to room together and it has nothing to do w/DS. I know in my family, we have brother in laws that we are ourselves with and we give grieve to just like the rest of us and they give it right back to us and its fun. I would trust them w/all that is mine and they would trust me w/all that is theirs (kids, homes, health, etc.). I have also had brother in laws that did not want to get involved in the fray (you know the fray created at every family get together w/all the sibs, spouses, kids, etc. that can be up to 40 people for a simple family dinner!) We are very polite to them and don't express ourselves to them as much because they are uncomfortable with the "bigness" of it all. Not that we don't get along but just don't feel like we really know them as well but don't want them to be uncomfortable either. So what I'm saying is I guess is it is really hard w/lots of sisters and hubby if they don't get along. But maybe if you tell him he needs to take his protective shell down a little because none of your sisters are trying to "dis" your DS then maybe he would be a bit more receptive. I bet if you could get hubby to agree to this then getting your sisters on board would be no problem. I am sure they are just distancing theirselves for your sake because they no their presence annoys your hubby a bit. Hope some of this makes sense but if not, just know that I feel your pain girl!!!!!

[MP2002]

My goodness, I wrote a novel up there didn't I???? Sorry, didn't realize just how long I had rambled!:crazy2:

[BroganMc]

Kathy,

You have my sympathies. Yes, getting family to mix well is always a challenge. I have had several Disney vacations with my siblings and their children. It's like making an omelette. Lots of ingredients you'd never expect and someone invariably hates, a few broken shells, add a little heat and butter to bait the flames, and somehow it all manages to be edible afterwards, or at least far tastier than we expected at the time.

Your vent did paint the picture for the problem being your DH's mood with your sister as causing strife. Two 10 year old girl cousins chosing to ditch their brothers to hang out is a de facto occurrence. Girls just wanna be girls. I highly doubt your daughter had any subconscious or conscious intentions of not wanting to be around her brother for his autism. Heck, my niece (of that age) will dis her brothers and her baby sister if a friend of the same age appears on the scene.

You can only talk to your husband about the extended adult family issues. Maybe some viewpoints need to be shared. But my only real concern is the suggested affect this might have on your kids. By making it appear your daughter did something wrong wanting to do the girl thing, you may inadvertantly make spending time with her brother become a chore for her. Something she "has" to do rather than "wants" to do.

Seems the hardest part of parenting is knowing when to interfere in our children's relationships and when to butt out. I say this being the youngest of 4 kids who was the one to grow up with a disability (a mobility disability which made my getting around a real drag). One brother was "forced" to take me so many places he actually grew up resenting me for my disability. We get along much better when I am the "able to cart myself around" adult now.

Good luck and God bless!

[Dis1978]

Kathy,
I have vacationed with large extended family to Disney many times. The last time there was a huge family row because of stroppy behaviour of supposedly neurotypical teenage cousin. The cousin's mum felt the child should be allowed to do and say whatever she liked. We all made up but was very unpleasant. Now with about to be diagnosed aspie son I feel it is best to travel just with my husband and kids - lot less stressful. Having an child with disabilities is tough in itself without all the extra hassle of family squabbling.

[Dis1978]

Kathy, be glad to hear your thoughts on DVC ownership for families with a kid with a disability. Or if anyone else can tell me how DVC membership is working out for them please. I have considered it since it first began when my youngest was a baby. Wish i had bought into it then. Now with my eldest being on the spectrum I am considering DVC again. My son needs his own space and likes to eat at unusual times of the night due to major sleep problems. I was going to book Saratoga or key west but very expensive. How does the cost of a week at DVC compare to annual Disney vacations?
Also I have always stayed on Disney for the last 20 years or so- favourite is beach club but also been to WL, AK, YC, CB, CS, PO, Poly. Two rooms is too costly at these resorts. The family suites at all star movies has been suggested -anyone stayed in them? The problem is that, as I am sure anyone else with an Aspie knows, is that they need a lot of space for meltdowns etc. Has anyone tried somewhere off disney? I wonder though whether they will be more understanding of disability at Disney.
Thanks and best of luck Kathy with your family:)

[OneMoreTry]

We couldn't do WDW without a 2BR at DVC. It's a must for DD who has to get away at times. For that we love Old Key West, which also has the lowest point cost per unit.

[KathyRN137]

Hi, OP here!

Just had a family get-together this past weekend and was talking with my sister. The subject of our upcoming concurrent WDW vacations came up again. (DH was not present--he was working.)

Sis again verbalized that the reason she did not want to stay at DVC with us is because it is the first trip for their kids, (2,4,and 5), and they were looking forward to experiencing it "as a family", but was definitely in agreement that we should do a character meal together and either Fantasmic! or the SpectroMagic Parade so the cousins could have some time together.

My other sis, the one who rubbed DH the wrong way that time at WDW, spoke up and said that they had enjoyed spending some time with us and some time on their own when we were there at the same time. She didn't mention DH's behaviour, and she could have complained about it openly if she wanted to because he wasn't there. ;)

I won't be able to persuade my OTHER sis to come, because she just announced that she was expecting another child in October!:banana:

I think that they recognize that DH is not used to the openess and familiarity with which we talk to each other, they regret it but they try to understand that he is just sensitive when it comes to what he perceives as them being "bossy".

I know that the cousins are ecsatic that they will see each other at WDW; I think that togetherness will be fine as long as it is in small doses!

Kathy