All SAHM's please HELP!! [Archive] - The DIS Discussion Forums

deanainnc

01-29-2007, 10:52 AM

Lil'DisneyMom

01-29-2007, 10:57 AM

I tell everyone that I do work FULL time. Just because I don't leave my house each day to go to a place of empolyment, I have a fulltime job raising my son.

ilovejack02

01-29-2007, 11:00 AM

Dont feel bad at all. I very rarely have this problem, since almost everyone I hang with is a sahm and the ones that arent want to be. BUT I do run into it sometimes and when I get someone that I feel like is being a bit of a snot about the fact that i get to stay home. I just laugh and say "I am soo lucky to have a husband that has a great job that allows me to stay home with the kids and not have to have anyone else raise them. I feel it is very important to be home with children, dont you feel that way?" That always shuts them up ; )!
Now of course I dont say this to everyone, I would never be ugly about someone decision to work. Not everyone can stay home or heck even wants to. Its what works for us and im glad! I only pull this out for the few that i get that like to try and make me feel bad for not having a career.

PS your family is JEALOUS of your good fortune!

kribit

01-29-2007, 11:09 AM

But you are working. You are raising your children at home which is one of the hardest jobs in the world. :) Just tell them that.

I'm also a sahm, and if the school system in the town we live in wasn't so good, I would also homeschool my children (I was a teacher). My dh is more against homeschooling than for it (just for social reasons - my kids were VERY sheltered up until a year ago because they were born ill), so we spent a little more on a home to live in an area with good schools. I did, however, start pre-school 2 hours a day at home and as much as it's fun, exciting, etc...it is difficult and I totally respect moms that do this full time. It's hard enough juggling pickup/drop off/activities/playdates, but then throw in there full time school at home. Homeschool moms, you definatley don't get enough credit and I bet there are many people out there who aren't as disciplined to accomplish this. I'm so envious of women that can juggle all of this. :)

Plus, how wonderful is that many years down the road when your children are excelling in college and you can say that you taught them everything they know. ;)

Not so Dumbo

01-29-2007, 12:00 PM

when I'm asked what I do for a living I reply with.... I'm the chief operations officer for my family.

When people give me a hard time about staying home, I tell them life is about choices, I made the choice to stay home because I feel that it's important for my children. It is also the only time during a few short years that I will have to raise and teach my children everything they know before they start school and begin to become independent. My choice however, doesn't come without sacrifice, we do have to make budget cuts in areas where we really wish we didn't have to. We would have a lot more money if I worked, but for now this is a sacrifice that I want to make.
Staying home isn't easy, it's a lot of hard work and unless someones has expierenced it they can't fully understand. So hat's off to everyone who homeschools on top of it. I just can't imagine the added work that must be involved.

almburr

01-29-2007, 12:08 PM

Tell them yes i am working now. I am the CEO of the (your last name here) family.Our major production is rasing well behaved carring people, that will eventually take over the world. I have great benifits, and the pay is awesome. I make a million thank yous, A billion kisses and I love yous. What better job is there.

mom2aredhead

01-29-2007, 12:22 PM

I agree with ilovejack02 about the jealousy thing. And how could they possibly think yoiu are doing nothing, especially if you are homeschooling...ridiculous! It's so hard being a mom regardless of where/how you work, you would think us mom's would go out of their way to support each other.
I was fortunate to be able to stay home full time with my son until he was a year old. After that, I had to go back to work, but we made some pretty dramatic changes/choices that allowed me to work only 3 days/week (1 of which is Saturday, so DH and DS have their alone time too!) I have a sister that has a full time job (which she loves) and nanny home with her daughter during the day. She is the one that would try to make me feel bad about not "working" as much as she does. After a while I realized that it was probably jealousy rearing its ugly head after she had a bad day at work, or when she was frustrated about her husband having to travel so much for his job, and she was just venting. A lot of people also feel the need to put someone down in order to justify their own choices in life.
I give you credit for spending the time you do with your kids - being a Mom is the hardest job in the world regardless of how you do it!

becca011906

01-29-2007, 12:57 PM

great tips that OP have said, love it! I have been a sahm since getting pregnant with my second child, although i did start back to work part time from home only (peer counslor for a local WIC office only make phone calls from home) when my youngest was 6 months old, I refuse to go to work in a job that requires me to put any of my kids in day care/ childcare at all, i just cant' do it, i had to when my youngest was 5 months old i had to go back to school to graduate high school, even though my dh had a great job that support us beyon our means, i also had to work durring school in a work/school program that let me only go to school 1/2 day and work at least 15 hours a week outside the home, and got school credit for it as well, i found a job so that i could work only when my husband was off work, and it worked well, but he did have to go to an in home day car from 8-12 5 days a week, i hated it! and i haven't done it since!!!
When someone asks me if i plan to go back to work, i usally just tell them i work hard everyday, and am doing the job i've always wanted too.... :)

jennifer293

01-29-2007, 01:10 PM

My primary job is being a SAHM...although I do various little things that do make me money on the side..I decorate cakes, and I am a subsitute teacher (maybe about 2 times a month). My Dh and I also run a business out of our home so I do all the scheduling and paperwork for that. Mostly though when people ask I just call my self a Domestic Goddess!!!!:rotfl: It is a very hard job that not just any woman can do and you must be highly qualified to have this position....hahaha

People used to ask me that a lot, but I have been at home for over 6 years now so now they know better because I am so sarcastic they know they will get some snide comment out of me...:rotfl2:

Twingle

01-29-2007, 01:23 PM

When I encounter the snarky comments, it's usually from mom's who work outside of the home and don't want to. I try to say that EVERY mom is a WORKING mom, and I just don't work for MONEY. The one that gives me the hardest time is my sis-in-law, and she usually tells me how lucky I am that my husband works his fingers to the bone so I can "relax" at home. Yes, my husband works hard, but he LOVES what he does, and we've definately had to adjust our lifestyles to accomidate one income.

My DH and I feel that it's just as important for me to stay at home when our children are teenagers, not just when they are little. I also am in the same boat as the OP, I don't plan on returning to work. I'm perfectly happy staying with my kids and volunteering!

As difficult as some of those comments may be, remember you are doing what YOU chose was best for YOUR family.

ilovejack02

01-29-2007, 02:23 PM

The one that gives me the hardest time is my sis-in-law, and she usually tells me how lucky I am that my husband works his fingers to the bone so I can "relax" at home. Yes, my husband works hard, but he LOVES what he does, and we've definately had to adjust our lifestyles to accomidate one income.
As difficult as some of those comments may be, remember you are doing what YOU chose was best for YOUR family.

LOL if that was my sil she would be getting "the finger" from me ;) You are right it is the mom's that want to stay home, but for some reason cant that are USUALLY the witchy ones ( i realize not everyone acts that way). I have a cousin that works and her two kiddies are in day care. I never hear anything rude from her, she LOVES her job and her kids love their school/daycare.

Ariel8676

01-29-2007, 02:28 PM

DawnM

01-29-2007, 02:37 PM

my4kids

01-29-2007, 02:59 PM

wow. I can't even imagine another woman saying that to me. I don't know how I would respond. I have never had that happen. I know 2 groups of moms. The ones that stay home and do what it takes to stay home (smaller home, less fancy vacations, eating out less, etc. ) and those that work because the they rather cut off their right arms than have to stay home with their kids. (I know plenty of the second type, but am not really close to them). Neither type has ever questioned my decision. In fact the second type just acts like I am crazy to want to stay home because we all know it is harder work staying at home than going out to work and having lunch out with adults, earning money, having a cleaning service, eating out...etc. i have never had anyone act like I had it "easy". Yep sounds like big time jealousy to me. I think I would just smile and say "yes, I truly am fortunate, I LOVE being able to stay home with my children" That would probably make them turn green.

my4kids

01-29-2007, 03:06 PM

I struggle with this mostly at doctor's offices and such. Filling out those darned papers where it lists occupations and the ladies behind the desk who make $7 an hour and have no education and are snippy tell me to put down "unemployed" or "homemaker."

I haven't worked for 2 years and honestly, I miss it terribly, so having to deal with people like this is NOT helping at all.

Dawn

OK, you're not unemployed, that implies that you are currently unable to find work. But what's wrong with putting down "homemaker"? Heck, my hubby and I worked hard and long to save up enough so that I could write down "homemaker". I'm proud of it. That is my career right now, making a lovely home for my family. Comfortable, clean, cozy, and with the smell of good food cooking. The perfect environment to raise awesome kids, which is my main job description. Write "homemaker extraodinaire" if it makes you feel more important.

Do you miss working so terribly that you would rather put your kids in daycare? If so, go back to work. Everyone would probably be happier. If not, write down "homemaker" and everytime you do it smile to yourself that you don't have to put your kids in daycare.

rhonhod

01-29-2007, 03:16 PM

I'm the only STAM in my family, you know family members always call and say, "I'm going to put your name on the emergency contact list for school". I tell them I do work and I have 2 kids (one with CP) and 4 cats and 3 dogs and a husband, who has his own business, I do paper work for him and keep his files. I'm just extremely lucky I can do all this in my P J's.

KirstenB

01-29-2007, 03:42 PM

I usually say, not right now, but you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Denine

01-29-2007, 03:52 PM

I am A SAHM, a teacher (we home school), a wife and a nurse ( I am an RN).
I only work outside the home 2 mornings a month now. My hours were cut. I was working 4 mornings a month.

The girls at work always want to know if I work somewhere else.

I work plenty doing all of the above. I just don't get paid for most of it!

bnf2

01-29-2007, 04:04 PM

Well, I haven't read through all the other posts, so I'm probably repeating what others have said... but here's my .02 worth.

You DO work... in fact, you work overtime! You are a teacher and a mom- 2 very demanding jobs (I know... I've done both- was a teacher, still am a mom :) )

Sounds like you and your husband have everything worked out for YOUR family. Others that offer opinions do not know the inner workings of your family, home, etc. If you let them make you feel "lazy" they will. Next time, confidently state: "I do work- as a full time teacher and a mother. Our family is very happy with this arrangement and my children are happy I can be flexible in my work to support them in their activties."

Best of luck from one lucky stay-at-home-mom to another.

rt2dz

01-29-2007, 04:21 PM

I haven't read the replies, but what I usually tell people is that "I've had the high-power, demanding, stressfull career and right now being a SAHM is all I can handle--it's the hardest job I've ever had. There's a reason why we pay nannies, taxi drivers, maids, cleaners, cooks, teachers, nurses and handy men--they deserve it!! And, lucky them, they get lunch breaks and bathroom breaks and vacations and aren't expected to work 24 hrs, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year!!"

I'm very lucky though, most people around here are either SAHM or want to be or work because they just "can't" do the SAHM thing and know how hard it really is!

mericletwins

01-29-2007, 05:26 PM

I have been on both sides of this fence. When I wasn't working and people would ask I would just say "no." I knew that they were asking if I worked outside of the home at a paying job and if I gave them one of those "I do work. I'm a FT mother, taxi driver, teacher, counselor...." answers I felt like I had become snarky...just on the other side of the fence. I didn't need to add all that other cr*p because I had made my choice and it was what was right for my family and I didn't feel any need to justify it. I think by adding all the other stuff to your answer it makes you sound defensive. That's my opinion and I know not the opinion of all. I think a simple "No" is all that is needed. On the other hand, I now teach and I get one of two reactions. One is I don't have a real job since I have summers, holidays and weekends off. And the other, strangely enough, is I get more grief from SAHM mom's for working then I did from WM's when I was SAHM. Either way people are going to give you grief and I find the briefest answer to be the best.

KirstenB

01-29-2007, 05:53 PM

Mericle Twins, you've expressed my thoughts perfectly! The less drama the better. We thought long and hard before I became a SAHM. Some days are tough, and I wish I were at a desk job. But big picture, we made a good choice for our family.

MiniGirl

01-29-2007, 06:03 PM

I don't get the question often, but I generally say, "Aren't all mothers working mothers?" and leave it at that. DH and I know that my being at home is what is best for our family, and I really feel no need to justify our decisions to anyone else.

susykt4

01-29-2007, 06:14 PM

People are soooooo ignorant! I was a sahm for 6 years (working only Saturday mornings when DH was home) and just couldn't handle it anymore! I went back to work fulltime and it's much easier than staying home. The thought of staying at home AND homeschooling is beyond overwhelming to me. SAHMs get nothing but respect from me!

I'm on the other end of things where I get plenty of criticism from my family for <gasp> working. I guess family has to complain about something we do!

Fairydust.Indy

01-29-2007, 07:46 PM

I worked for 20 years, through my first round of kids, and now I am so blessed to be able to stay at home. Have had it both ways....and I love that I am able to stay at home. At this point in my life, I don't want it any other way...pixiedust: And that is how I respond!

mouseketeer_mom

01-29-2007, 08:02 PM

Anyone who knows me, knows better than ask if I'm currently "working" :lmao:

If I currently had a "job", I'd get some time for lunch, have sick days, vacation time, work about 8 hours each day, and I could afford a "wife" to pack my lunch, do my laundry, clean my house, run my errands, get up in the middle of the night etc...

I've been on both sides of the fence. Two months into my SAHM status, I spoke to my former boss. I thanked him for the hour each day that I used to get to actually got to eat a meal.

I can't wait to go back to "work".

pbharris4

01-29-2007, 08:34 PM

When people ask me I say I'm a SAHM and it's harder than any other job I ever had (which is the truth). But I also say that it's also the most rewarding (which it is). I've worked FT w/ my first DD and DH traveled alot and at the last minute..no way I could take care of 2 kids and work FT with his schedule and no help. Most people who make snide remarks either don't have kids, don't have kids and don't want kids, or never stayed at home with their kids. I used to think it was easy to be a SAHM. Ha! Reality hit me hard, but I am so glad I did it. I will have to go back to work in the fall though. :o(

If anyone gives you crap..tell them if they think it's so easy..maybe they should try it for a year.

Not so Dumbo

01-29-2007, 08:57 PM

this thread reminded me of an email I received........ I had to share. Enjoy.
HMMMM. I wonder if Mike Rowe would like to try this new Dirty Job?

Position: Mother/Mom/Momma

Job Description: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an ever changing, often stress-filled environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some over-night shifts and travel required, including trips to the Emergency Room, and primitive camping sights on rainy weekends, and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities: Must be willing to commit the rest of your life. Must act as events coordinator, secretary/receptionist, driver, psychologist, language interpreter, nurse, dietician, cook, personal shopper, housekeeper, seamstress, accountant, tutor, and au pair. Responsibilities also include daily floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must also be willing to be hated, at least until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat (in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not just crying wolf.) Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, wrestling with large appliances, mysteriously sluggish toilets, very tight knots and stuck zippers. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and then an embarrassment to the team the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final and complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Possibility for Advancement & Promotion: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaint, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience: None required. A background in child growth and development, psychology, and medical training helpful.

A loving attitude and complete selflessness is required.

Salary: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits: While there is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options offered; fringe benefits include limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

horseshowmom

01-30-2007, 12:17 AM

I heard that question from time to time when I was a SAHM, but it really didn't bother me in the least to say that I wasn't "working" (I knew they meant in a job outside the home). I wasn't offened by the question either.

I considered myself very fortunate to be able to stay at home with my daughter. I also sometimes had women say to me that they would go crazy if they had to stay home with their kids. I just smiled and told them the truth - that I was really glad that I got to.

After several years, I moved into working half-time and then, eventually, back to full time. Whenever I hear someone make the statement that they are "just a mom" or "just a housewife", I stop and tell them that that is the most important job in the world.

PollyannaMom

01-30-2007, 07:07 AM

It's such a shame that your own family gets on your case about it! They must not realize that you have all the responsibilities of any other teacher, plus MORE household responsibilities because someone is LIVING in your house all day. (I could clean in less time too if my house was only occupied for 4 waking hours a day!)

Seriously, though, when it's outsiders who ask, I'd just say "I'm a teacher" if you don't want want to explain.

LoveBWVVBR

01-30-2007, 07:13 AM

I respond with the truth. I'm working harder now than I ever have before. I am the SAHM of a high-needs 1 year-old. Sometimes I dream of going back to my old job...it was so much easier and at least I got to go to the bathroom by myself:rotfl:

Seriously, though, I just tell people that we planned for 1 parent to always be home with the kids, and that's why we waited nearly a decade after marriage to have kids.

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 07:26 AM

kaysmommie

01-30-2007, 07:54 AM

Honestly I think that is a rude question on there part. Of course you are working, probably harder than them since you also home school your children. It's the hardest job in the world even when they start school. I love NOT So Dumbo's post, it tells exactly what we do all day. My youngest is only 2 but in 3 years , when he starts Kindergarten full day I don't want to work an outside job then have to clean ,cook ,do Laundry drive the kids to activites, that is too much. I thought they freed the slaves :goodvibes and that is what I told DH which he thinks I should go back to work. I;'m going to stop doing everything and let him handle and see what gets done, pratically nothing I'm sure. SAHM get the sh** end of the stick because no one appreciates us or what we do.

my4kids

01-30-2007, 08:05 AM

I feel for you OP. I've been a SAHM since my eldest was born 10 years ago and now that my youngest is in school all day I ALWAYS now get "so you going back to work now?" or "what do you do with yourself all day now?" or "aren't you bored to tears?" or "you should get a job now".

Well, if I got a job, what would I do when my kids are sick, snow days, vacation days, holidays and the worst one of all Summer vacation? What dream job could I get where I could have all those days off? A teacher? Well, I'm not qualified to be a teacher.

I'm so tired of answering those questions and feeling like I must justify why I'm still home. :furious:

I need to be here for those days I mentioned above. I need to be here for the bus departing and arriving. I need to be here for school shows and parties. I need to be here to take care of the house and the errands. I need to be here to take care of my 5 Toy Poodles. I shouldn't have to explain or justify our decisions every other day. :rolleyes:

I'm so blessed that I have a DH who wants me home and who has a great job that allows me to be home. I don't take it for granted for one second. We made many sacrifices in the beginning to be able to do this. It wasn't a piece of cake for sure, but it was SO worth it. ::yes::

In my experience the kids need you at home more when they are school aged and especially middle and high school aged. I worked for a few years when my first was a baby because I had to. He went to a sitter where his only needs were to have his diaper changed and pbj put in front of him. Other than that, he played. Now he has "real" problems that he needs me for. As they get older ,those hours between school and when mom gets home from work is when the nasty stuff is going down I promise you. I also am the emergency contact for all the working moms in the neighborhood, and there is nothing sadder than when I get called to go pick up a sick kid because mom couldn't be reached and I take them to their empty house to go be sick by themselves. I feel for the moms that have to work, because they don't have a choice, but I am fortunate enough that I can make the choice, and I can not even imagine going to work and leaving them alone on those days.

Mouse House Mama

01-30-2007, 08:18 AM

Okay- I just have to respond to this. I am a SAHM. I am on a very extended child care leave from my job. (4years so far!) When people ask me if I work I always say that I have been lucky enough to stay home with the kids. Thank God my dh makes enough for us to live comfortably. Then I tell them just how much I love being home. I have 3 kids- 4.5, 3, 15 months and one on the way. Nobody ever questions if I am busy or not and they certainly know I never get to "relax". Between the house, activities, pre-school (I don't homeschool) and doing stuff with my kids I am pretty busy. So if someone even suggested something like that to me I would crack up :lmao: . A woman at my job asked me when I went out with my first child if I was going to be bored at home. She said- "What will you do all day?" I chuckled and gave her a brief synopsis of my plans. She didn't realize since she didn't have kids. Another thing that bothers me - although not really a pet peeve- is calling what I do work. Now we all know it is alot to stay home- so that is not what I am getting at. I just feel like the word "work" means something that you have to do but don't really want to. YKWIM? I don't know what I call staying home but I don't like to use the term "work". JMHO on that. I wouldn't sweat the family and their comments. They probably wish they were in your shoes. Jealousy has a funny way of appearing sometimes. Also- as another poster said- I NEVER feel lazy about staying home no matter what comment anyone makes. Wasn't it Eleonor Roosevelt ( I could be wrong) who said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Celebrate the beautiful life you have.

KELLY

01-30-2007, 08:44 AM

I'm not a sahm but I will give you ladys credit it is a lot of work. My DD is 17 months and goes to daycare at my mom's (she owns a daycare). Some days when I have off or she is sick I'm thinking maybe work isn't that bad. Yes there are days still when I drop her off I still cry especially if I have been home with her for 3 or 4 days in a row. But my husband and I are ready to have another one. But I will not be a SAHM second time around either. Were we live cost of living is very high. House are very expensive the average house is 250,000 small side. I would like to be a SAHM once in a while. But with a morgage,mini van,truck,dvc and all the utilities and insurance I'm off to work. If I could afford it would I be a SAHM not sure. We like to go to Disney evey year etc. I love my daughter but I need to get out sometimes to. Being at SAHM is someones choice and if they are giving you a hard time are the most likely jelous.

KELLY

rbork

01-30-2007, 09:06 AM

To the OP. I started filling out applications/doctor questionaire with occupation: "Home engineer" I'll never forget the look I got from one doctor who looked at me puzzeled. I simply responded, "I design and run a home". You see specifically- I am a gardender, cleaner, plummer, painter, handyman, electrition, chef, teacher, nanny and nurse on top of that!
DH calls every once in a while and I just tell him, "I am taking a vacation day today." :rotfl2: :lmao:
Really, above all I am so glad my kid's are with me or DH all the time. No one else raised them and it show's!

LovableGluttons

01-30-2007, 09:13 AM

I work twelve hour night shifts, six nights on, eight off, as a registered nurse. I leave for work right after my family has had the dinner that I prepared and cleaned up after. I go to work and care patients in the hospital. Women having babies, newborns, premature babies, people coming into the Emergency Room.

The absolute meanest thing someone who does not know me can accuse me of is "letting someone else raise my kids".

I come home from work before DH leaves for work, make lunches for my kids, do laundry, get them ready for school clean the kitchen, dust, run the vacuum, see them off to school at the bus stop where I am the ONLY Mom there, no other WMs or SAHMs standing there freezing. I walk my dog around the block, come home, and go to bed.

I get up 15 minutes before my children are due home, provided the doorbell has not been rung repeatedly, I've had no telemarketers bothering me, charitable organizations phoning me for funds, and so on.

They come home, I make them a snack talk about their day, make dinner, have dinner with my family, hop in the shower and do it all over again.

During my eight nights off, I find I have staff meetings I'm required to attend additional training certifications I must keep current, plus catching up on everything I've slacked off on during my work stretch. I rarely get more than 4 hours of sleep a day during my work stretch.

Why do I do it?

If there were not women out there teaching, nursing, fighting fires, and we had to leave it just to men, there would not be enough people to do it.

I am fortunate to be very good at what I do. My family is fortunate that I can sacrifice sleep to do it for them.

So, no one else is "raising" my kids, but I manage to care and save the lives of others while doing it.

There is a tremendous nursing shortage out there. Some of it does stem from the Haterade placed on women who work when they have children at home.

People assume I'm a SAHM because I am home during the day. I don't correct them. I do disconnect the doorbell though! LOL

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 09:35 AM

Mouse House Mama

01-30-2007, 11:56 AM

I just wanted to say this because I think I am on the same page as many- although I could be wrong.

I am a SAHM. I am very lucky that I can be a SAHM and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I do understand that many people cannot stay home and personally I have no problem with that (not that it matters what I think about other's choices) BUT- I think when some people say, including myself, that I don't want someone else to raise my kids it is directed at people who work so they can have 2 Volvos, LV handbags, weekly massages, $200 bluejeans etc. Not so they can provide what is needed for their family. While I like the finer things in life as well and don't fault anyone who does, I find it very hard to swallow someone's lame excuse about how they can't afford to stay home when they only shop at Nordstrom, have a maid, gardener, nanny etc. That is where I think someone else is raising their kids because clearly they are self absorbed. Plenty of kids come from working families and are fine. My Mom worked and our family all helped out in the care of my sister and I. We were fine. I never thought I'd be a SAHM. I am a worker by nature and never thought I would want to stay home. Things sure have changed for me! I would never want it any other way! So I don't think, at least for me, that most working Moms are letting someone else raise their kids, I have encountered quite a few who made me wonder why they even bothered to pro-create in the first place. I hope you understand where I am coming from.

Worfiedoodles

01-30-2007, 01:40 PM

Even though I'm going to get flamed, I seem to feel the need to post here. I am not a SAHM. I always thought I wanted to be. Having a career seemed like something other people did. My mom was at home when all my friends moms were working.

I suppose we could get by if I didn't work...but we wouldn't have a mortgage because we couldn't afford a home. We would not take vacations. We wouldn't be able to do any of the extras I missed out on as a kid because we were living on one salary. And I did miss them. I hated the fact that I didn't have nice clothes, vacations, couldn't buy my lunch at school, etc. I deeply resented that my mother didn't get a job and support us. She did not get up with me in the mornings, I had to get myself to school. She did not have anything waiting for me when I got home in the afternoons. She was so busy with her volunteer work, it's not like we spent all this quality time together.

So, although I'm sure it's not the case with the OP or any of you fine ladies, just because the mother is in the home doesn't mean the kids are getting constant attention. It is possible that the other family members know of situations where the SAHM is not quite so focused on the kids, and they are applying that experience to your situation.

I am happy at work, and I enjoy having a career. Nothing hurts me more than when someone says "I didn't have this child for someone else to raise" or "you only work so you can take fancy vacations". The cost of our vacations isn't 5% of my salary. We are funding retirement, college savings, oil, electricity, gas, and oh yeah, that pesky little mortgage. I love my child deeply (you all know the feeling!), and for someone to imply otherwise is beyond offensive.

I'm not jealous of SAHM's, and I respect your decision to do what works for your family. I know it's kind of confrontational, but perhaps the OP could say that she respects their decisions to do what's right for their families, so why can't they respect hers? I think that would shut someone right up, especially if they weren't well-meaning in the comments.

I know there are stories, and many of you have them, about how your mothers worked and so you wouldn't do that, because you missed having her at home. I think we are all shaped by our unique situations, and the family members the OP encounters are bringing what they have to the table. If they've never encountered home schooling before, they have no idea of the time commitment, effort, and difficulty required. Perhaps you could find a way to bring lesson plans up, or let them know about how your children have to pass state tests, etc., so they realize that you are not eating bonbons all day. I suspect this is what they are thinking, and that they haven't really thought about what goes into your day.

I know this rambled. Just trying to give a little bit from the other side...

stacy6552

01-30-2007, 01:50 PM

I always say, "Nope. I got me a sugar daddy."

Mouse House Mama

01-30-2007, 02:00 PM

I always say, "Nope. I got me a sugar daddy."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Whosemom

01-30-2007, 02:11 PM

Lovablegluttons, breathe sweetie, whoever is being mean to you, it wasn't here! ;) Obviously though, someone has really been kicking you, so we'll love you anyway!

I'm at that next stage that someone else mentioned - my baby is in kindergarten three days a week, and I'm already hearing some, "are you going back to work"s. But, I've been blessed with a work-at-home job thats really taking off. Let me tell you, thats the best and worst of both worlds. I'm here, I can mostly schedule around feild trips and party days, but if there's some meeting I HAVE to go to, what do I do with Kindy-boy if its a no-school day?

Anyway, I think alot of times WE load the question. I ask new ladies at church if they work outside the home just so I can know what Bible studies are taking place when they could go. I could just invite them to the Friday morning one, but then I could get slammed for "assuming everyone stays home." You can't win;) So anyway, I'm also in the camp that just says, "no"

LovableGluttons

01-30-2007, 03:01 PM

Thanks. No, it wasn't here at the DIS that I first heard that I was letting someone else raise my kids. It is an old, tired argument.

I posted because there are careers out there that need people to sacrifice to be available in times of need, even life or death. Thsi is somethign people do not address in these WM vs SAHM posts on message boards.

Because of some of us, if you need to go to the Emergency Room at night, go into Labor, need a Police Officer, Firewoman, someone to teach your kids, we are there.

I have never had an issue with SAHMs, my Mom was one, as was DH's Mom.

I just felt a great societal responsibility not to abandon my patients. My kids are healthy, happy, intelligent, well adjusted, and raised by their Mom and Dad. My husband is terrific with my children, he deserves to have a hand in raising them too.

It is a relief for me to know that there are other people out there sacrificing family and sleep time to be there in times of crisis, to teach my kids, to provide the things we need to support our life.

Its a shame that it ends up seeming like something that needs defending. KWIM?

Worfiedoodles

01-30-2007, 03:10 PM

Thanks. No, it wasn't here at the DIS that I first heard that I was letting someone else raise my kids. It is an old, tired argument.

I posted because there are careers out there that need people to sacrifice to be available in times of need, even life or death. Thsi is somethign people do not address in these WM vs SAHM posts on message boards.

I agree with you LovableGluttons. I work building housing and providing services for the homeless. Last week at night it was -12 on the streets of Boston. Without outreach teams out there, people would have died. There are women on these teams, women who have children. Many work at night while their husbands work during the day, trying to create a good life for their children. The women that are in the emergency rooms, on the fire crews, in the police stations, many have children. They are doing jobs that are needed, and they should be commended. But it's not just those moms. The moms stocking shelves at Target, checking you out at the grocery store, giving you your dry cleaning...just because they work does not mean they don't care about their children, or care about them less. It could be that they feel so responsible for their children, they are not willing to be on welfare and expect the other working women to pay for it...I have a friend who is a SAHM on welfare, and her favorite line when anyone even gently suggests she do something to bring income into the household is "I didn't have these children for someone else to raise". Well, apparently not to raise, but definitely to pay for...

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 03:18 PM

Worfiedoodles

01-30-2007, 03:39 PM

How is that every single SAHM thread becomes a debate and/or a battle?

OP only wanted to vent a little and ask for help regarding things people say to her about being a SAHM and so she asked for support and advice from other SAHMs. It doesn't mean the SAHMs posting here are attacking working moms, really it doesn't.

I just don't get it. :confused3

I was just trying to offer a different perspective on why the OPs relatives might react to her as they do and why they might think she is not "working", and I won't speak for any other poster, but I think sometimes when WMs read these posts about how much harder being a SAHM is, we get a bit defensive because most of us also do all the SAHM tasks (with the exception of homeschooling).

Perhaps OPs relatives will not listen or do not want to understand, but it might be that if she educated them about the nature of homeschooling and the work she has to do, they would cease to attack her. And my best piece of supportive advice is to not attack them for their choices while she is defending her own. This isn't a winnable debate, it's an individual choice.

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 03:46 PM

I was just trying to offer a different perspective on why the OPs relatives might react to her as they do and why they might think she is not "working", and I won't speak for any other poster, but I think sometimes when WMs read these posts about how much harder being a SAHM is, we get a bit defensive because most of us also do all the SAHM tasks (with the exception of homeschooling).

Perhaps OPs relatives will not listen or do not want to understand, but it might be that if she educated them about the nature of homeschooling and the work she has to do, they would cease to attack her. And my best piece of supportive advice is to not attack them for their choices while she is defending her own. This isn't a winnable debate, it's an individual choice.

I really haven't seen any SAHMs saying that. I did see one mom say that who went back to work, but I didn't see any SAHMs say that. I certainly would never say that.

jodifla

01-30-2007, 03:46 PM

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

Since this is family asking you this, and not just in general people that you might meet, I'd say they do have a whole agenda going on. They may not don't approve of the homeschooling thing, for example, and might think your time might be better spent working.

Really, all you can do (since they are family) is tell them that your schedule is pretty full with two busy kids.

It's your life and you get to live it, but whenever you step out of the mainstream, there's bound to be questions. And family can be the worst about it, since they often feel they can push you harder.

mericletwins

01-30-2007, 04:05 PM

mericletwins

01-30-2007, 04:16 PM

No one else raised them and it show's!

I know that this wasn't meant to be offensive, but I think it is remarks like this that cause discord between the two camps. It implies that children that go to daycare or do not have SAHparent are not equal in some sense: behavior, academic, emotional stability, etc.

I have seen many children that have gone to daycare far and away above some children that have SAHMs and vice versa. This is such a personal choice for each family and mother that I feel sad when there is criticism, implied or stated, whether intentionally or not. :confused:

Have been home with a mom or having gone to daycare has pros and cons to each. It really makes no difference in the long run. Do whatever is right for your family and your situation and don't feel that you have to defend your choice. If you are happy with your decision, then it is what it is.

Traveliz

01-30-2007, 05:07 PM

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

I tell everyone I am the CEO of Chez "our last name."

They have to think a minute but it takes them a moment and that is the end of that.

Liz

delilah

01-30-2007, 05:46 PM

I am a working mother and a family physician, fallling into the catergory of somebody whose work is essential to the health and well-being of the community outside of my family. My job is to "save lives". I am one of those lucky people, like ER nurses and EMTs who are first responders to health crises of all types. I never know on any given day what is going to be on my schedule, or what is going to walk in my door. I am expected to never make any mistakes, and if I do, and I do because I am human, there is the ever present threat of malpractice.

This past week, the principal of the school wrote a piece in the weekly newletter thanking the SAHMs by name for things that they do at school during the school day, like volunteering at the receptionist desk and lunch room. Now, that is just dandy, but, a few weeks ago, I took a day off from my busy office schedule to judge the science fair. The winners of the science fair were named, but the judges were not mentioned or thanked, and they were, specifically, my husband, a research chemist; myself, a family physician; the most recent ex-principal of the school, who was a science teacher and now an educational consultant, and another working mom, also a chemist. Two were retired scientists. I also have taken time out of my work day to speak to the middle school science classes, but I am not mentioned by name, just a general statement that the "members of the science committee give demonstrations to the science classes".

I have felt torn because I have had my son in daycare, and I feel torn when I cannot work late because I must pick my son up at school. My life is one major guilt trip. Do I think I work harder than a SAHM? I don't know. I know my house doesn't clean itself, and that somebody has to cook, shop and organize household finances. I think this work is less taxing and more relaxing than my day to day tasks in direct patient care. Does that answer the question? I love the time I get to spend in activities with my son, and I really enjoy helping him learn. This is a pleasure to me, and not work.

I do think that excessive guilt is placed on working mothers, and that generally, their contributions are underappreciated, by coworkers and other moms.

Some last observations based on 20 years experience seeing pediatric patients: 1. Children who go to preschool/daycare almost invariable know their alphabet and can count beyond twenty before starting kindergarten. My son already knew how to read basic books and knew basic arithmetic. He is and has always been in the highest reading/math groups, and has scored in the top 10% nationally on standardized tests. The same is not generally true of children cared for at home. 2. Home schooled teens get pregnant as frequently as those in the public schools, in my experience with my patients. Homeschooling is not a panacea for society's ills. It only isolates and delays experiences.

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 05:59 PM

I am a working mother and a family physician, fallling into the catergory of somebody whose work is essential to the health and well-being of the community outside of my family. My job is to "save lives". I am one of those lucky people, like ER nurses and EMTs who are first responders to health crises of all types. I never know on any given day what is going to be on my schedule, or what is going to walk in my door. I am expected to never make any mistakes, and if I do, and I do because I am human, there is the ever present threat of malpractice.

This past week, the principal of the school wrote a piece in the weekly newletter thanking the SAHMs by name for things that they do at school during the school day, like volunteering at the receptionist desk and lunch room. Now, that is just dandy, but, a few weeks ago, I took a day off from my busy office schedule to judge the science fair. The winners of the science fair were named, but the judges were not mentioned or thanked, and they were, specifically, my husband, a research chemist; myself, a family physician; the most recent ex-principal of the school, who was a science teacher and now an educational consultant, and another working mom, also a chemist. Two were retired scientists. I also have taken time out of my work day to speak to the middle school science classes, but I am not mentioned by name, just a general statement that the "members of the science committee give demonstrations to the science classes".

I have felt torn because I have had my son in daycare, and I feel torn when I cannot work late because I must pick my son up at school. My life is one major guilt trip. Do I think I work harder than a SAHM? I don't know. I know my house doesn't clean itself, and that somebody has to cook, shop and organize household finances. I think this work is less taxing and more relaxing than my day to day tasks in direct patient care. Does that answer the question? I love the time I get to spend in activities with my son, and I really enjoy helping him learn. This is a pleasure to me, and not work.

I do think that excessive guilt is placed on working mothers, and that generally, their contributions are underappreciated, by coworkers and other moms.

Again, who here in this thread, who is a SAHM, said that they work harder than working mom? Could you quote them because I must have missed it.

The bolded part could possibly add fuel to the fire of the continuous SAHM/working mom debate. And so it continues. :(

I don't understand why a working mom would click on a thread that says "All SAHMs please help". If I saw a thread that read: "Working Moms, unite!" or "All working moms please help" I wouldn't even open the thread because it has nothing to do with me but that's just how I am.

jodifla

01-30-2007, 06:15 PM

Again, who here in this thread, who is a SAHM, said that they work harder than working mom? Could you quote them because I must have missed it.

The bolded part could possibly add fuel to the fire of the continuous SAHM/working mom debate. And so it continues. :(

I don't understand why a working mom would click on a thread that says "All SAHMs please help". If I saw a thread that read: "Working Moms, unite!" or "All working moms please help" I wouldn't even open the thread because it has nothing to do with me but that's just how I am.

I think you should reread some of the SAHM answers, many of whom say, "This is the hardest job I've ever had."

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 06:23 PM

I think you should reread some of the SAHM answers, many of whom say, "This is the hardest job I've ever had."

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

I would love some quotes because I've read this whole thread and didn't see anything like that. Like I said, I did see one person who was a SAHM and is now working say that being a SAHM was harder for her than working but that's the only one I remember. I guess I'll have to re-read this whole thread because some are seeing things I don't.

Things were going fine and then all of the sudden, BAM!

jodifla

01-30-2007, 06:32 PM

I would love some quotes because I've read this whole thread and didn't see anything like that. Like I said, I did see one person who was a SAHM and is now working say that being a SAHM was harder for her than working but that's the only one I remember. I guess I'll have to re-read this whole thread because some are seeing things I don't.

Things were going fine and then all of the sudden, BAM!

Take a look at posts 2, 3, 4 to start. Then 14 and 17.

beattyfamily

01-30-2007, 06:43 PM

Take a look at posts 2, 3, 4 to start. Then 14 and 17.

I just did, thanks, and only post #4 mentions that being a SAHM is "one of the hardest jobs in the world" so I guess I'll give you that one, but I didn't see in the others you mentioned, moms saying that being a SAHM was harder than working, only that it was their decision to do so and also talked about how to respond to the OP's family. I could see though how post #3 could be considered a bit snarky to working moms, actually, definitely snarky.

Mouse House Mama

01-30-2007, 07:02 PM

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

I don't know why you have to make snarky remarks about being a SAHM. Just a little FYI I happen to have a highly demanding job that many people can't even handle. Not a pat on my back- just fact. I am on a very long child care leave since I have had my kids so close together. Anyway- Having worked, been a working Mom and a SAHM I still think that while I don't think it's hard being home (as in digging ditches hard) alot more goes into how I care for my kids than anything else in the world - including my job- as I am sure every mother feels as well. So..... while my job was demanding, I still had a set lunch hour, coffee breaks, toilet breaks without an audience, and set hours to end my day. So in that aspect of course it was easier! Do I love being home with my kids no matter how demanding? You betcha! I love and treasure every minute with them! (as do all parents I am sure). Do I consider it work? Nope! Work is something you have to do and maybe don't want to. Being home with my kids is bliss!

Now I have to go and make sure that the kids turn on the lights so everyone can see the statue that they built in my honor on the front lawn.:lmao:

disneyjunkie

01-30-2007, 07:05 PM

How is that every single SAHM thread becomes a debate and/or a battle?

OP only wanted to vent a little and ask for help regarding things people say to her about being a SAHM and so she asked for support and advice from other SAHMs. It doesn't mean the SAHMs posting here are attacking working moms, really it doesn't.

I just don't get it. :confused3

As soon as I read the OP I said to myself I know how she feels.

I'm not a SAHM, but I know how it feels to have others make comments/judgements about decisions you make for your family.

I wanted to let the OP know that as a WOHM, I don't think she owes anyone an explication. If I were I'd nicely(maybe not:mad: ) put those family members in their place.

The are you working comment is just as snarky as the I wanted to raise my own children comment.

I think moms on both sides of the fence need to realize that some of the comments we make really do hurt.

ilovejack02

01-30-2007, 07:06 PM

LMAO, Now you two ladies dont even bring me into this fight ;)
My post # 3 was not even close to snarky....I say what i say, when I get some jealous working mother looking down her nose at me, and yes ive run into a couple. If you go on to read the second paragraph you will see I say I would never be ugly about someone working, UNLESS i get it first and then if i feel like being a witch its with in my right. I think i very clearly stated how i really felt :thumbsup2

"I just laugh and say "I am soo lucky to have a husband that has a great job that allows me to stay home with the kids and not have to have anyone else raise them. I feel it is very important to be home with children, dont you feel that way?" That always shuts them up ; )!
Now of course I dont say this to everyone, I would never be ugly about someone decision to work. Not everyone can stay home or heck even wants to. Its what works for us and im glad! I only pull this out for the few that i get that like to try and make me feel bad for not having a career."

Whosemom

01-30-2007, 07:22 PM

ilovejack02

01-30-2007, 07:36 PM

SAHMs were not running down moms who work out of the home. Just asking for respect, too. Why did the working out of the home moms get ugly and defensive? :confused3 I am not a self-absorbed loser because I am home with my kids. And that's all the op was saying - how does she answer people with the attitudes shown by some of you.

It takes everyones gifts and talents to keep the world running. If all the body parts were ears, how could we smell?

Its is never ending debate, and there will honestly never be a right or wrong answer. There is good and bad to both sides of the discussion. Sahm want respect for what we do, working moms want respect for the choices they have made ( or the one they HAD to make ) . Some working moms feel guilty about working so some will put down others to make themselves feel better and the same goes with SAHM. Some of them feel guilty for NOT having a career and so they justify it by making working moms feel bad.
I do what is right for MY family, the rest of you can do what you want. The few ladies that i meet that try and make me feel bad will get it right back. YES i KNOW its childish, but whatever makes me happy at the moment ;)

PrincessHeart

01-30-2007, 08:33 PM

I would just like to say that I am a SAHM with two very close friends who are not SAHM's - One works full-time and the other part-time. We love each other and respect each other's decision to do what is right for our families. We share many of the same struggles as mothers. I think Moms should try to find the common bond between us and not try to find fault with each others decisions. To the original poster - I'm so sorry your family treats you this way! Just know that you don't need thier approval to do what right for your family. Find some other Sahm to give you support when you feel attacked - I think you find quite a few here! Suprsingly, my Dad was the one who did not support my decision to be a SAHM. He kept asking me when I was going to go to law school - his dream for me. I just kep telling him "Never Dad, I have the job I want." After about 5 years he finally gave up asking! I still love being a SAHM. Just today my DD's Kindergarten teacher asked me if I would have another baby, so she could have me as a parent volunteer again. She was my DS's teacher too.:rotfl2:

NemoMOm

01-30-2007, 08:38 PM

I usually list my day. From morning til the next morning as DS still gets up during the night. This is generally a loooonng list as you SAHMs know. I then pause and say "You mean all this is not enough?":lmao:

juliejody

01-30-2007, 09:00 PM

I love all the answers. I usually get people who tell me I'm so "lucky" to stay home with my kids. Actually, luck has little to do with it. It was a conscious choice that is not without sacrifice. That being said, I do consider it a blessing to be the one raising my children.

disneyjunkie

01-30-2007, 09:08 PM

That being said, I do consider it a blessing to be the one raising my children.

We're ALL raising our children.:confused3

ilovejack02

01-30-2007, 09:22 PM

We're ALL raising our children.:confused3

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
And so the debate continues.
I think she meant to say that she feels blessed to be able to be at home with her children and not to have to rely on nannies or day care to help her out while she is at work.
Is that better? :)

MiaSRN62

01-30-2007, 09:40 PM

My4kids says in post #14: I know 2 groups of moms. The ones that stay home and do what it takes to stay home (smaller home, less fancy vacations, eating out less, etc. ) and those that work because the they rather cut off their right arms than have to stay home with their kids.
Huh ? :confused3
Am I missing something in translation here ? I am a working mom. And just because I work out of the house, does not mean I don't come home and have to do all the same things SAHM do ? I'm home when my kids get home from school. I do the taxi service thing to after school activities, do all the laundy, food shopping, take kids to the doctor....and work out of the house during the day. But I guess I'd fall in the 2nd group of moms you mentioned My4kids ? While I am not jealous of SAHM, it would be nice to not have to work outside the home because I have a very stressful job (labor and delivery/high risk pregnancy RN). Most times I come home so exhausted, but I push myself. I think ALL moms encounter problems and have to justify themselves from time to time. It's unfair, because we all have our reasons for doing what we do or have to do. I must be in group #3 which you did not list My4kids. That is the group that loves their kids and does whatever they can for them, yet still has to contribute to the household paycheck. To say, that because I work it means I'd rather cut off my arm than be with my kids ? Also, I recall the years when my kids were young, I was one of the few working moms and I would sometimes get looked down upon by SAHM's in my neighborhood. Standing at the bus stop I was never part of their "in" playgroups or tea times etc. So working and SAHM face judgemental people. The grass is not always greener.....

I'm really hoping I missed something in your post and maybe you're just referring to the snarky working moms that make snide comments ? Please tell me "yes". If so, then please excuse & disregard my post.

IloveJack02 says : I think she meant to say that she feels blessed to be able to be at home with her children and not to have to rely on nannies or day care to help her out while she is at work.
Is that better?
Well, I work and never relied on day care or a nanny. Occasionally grandmom was a blessing & helped me out alot----and I'll always treasure the times my kids got to spend with her because she was wonderful. We lost her in 2004, but I'll always be thankful for the nurturing person she was to my children and what a wonderful help she was to me over the years we had her with us.
Over the years since we've had children we found other ways to work it out. I worked the graveyard shift for 11 years while the kids were young. I'd often go 24-30 hours with no sleep, but coffee was my best friend. I'd get home at 7:45 am, kiss my dh goodbye as he went off to work and be home with the kids all day until I had to leave for work again at 10 pm.
Even now, while I don't work the graveyard anymore, my dh and I still work opposite shifts so there is usually one of us home with them. So I feel blessed that we've been able to work this all out and done what was best for our family. I give ALL moms the utmost credit and praise for making it work for their families ! We all have our uphill challenges.
Thanks, now it's better :)

Beca

01-30-2007, 09:42 PM

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

I just smile, and say, "I am blissfully now a stay-at-home mom, and I feel SOOO blessed". That has always shut everyone up.

I'm sorry you are so upset by these comments. Try not to let it bother you, and just enjoy your time with your children....they will be gone SOOO soon.

:hug:

kribit

01-30-2007, 09:45 PM

Why are people arguing? The OP asked for advice and vented a little about her family. She didn't ask for a debate on who works more SAHM or Working Moms. yikes....

staley7580

01-30-2007, 11:48 PM

My family is constantly on back about getting a job. They think I am lazy, I dont want to do anything, Im financially putting a strain on my family. Whatever, I do whats right for us and when my kids are in school, I will go to school. Until that time comes- lay the heck off! We are happy!

MiaSRN62

01-31-2007, 05:43 AM

Kribit says : Why are people arguing? The OP asked for advice and vented a little about her family. She didn't ask for a debate on who works more SAHM or Working Moms. yikes....

I don't consider my post argumentative personally.....it wasn't my intent. If you read it, I say I support both working and SAHM's mom's. A mom's work regardless is hard work. Just because SAHM's don't bring home a paycheck doesn't make it a less honorable profession, and just because working moms do bring home a paycheck doesn't mean they don't have all the other mom responsibilities when they get home from work.
I read every single post on this 5 page thread and agreed with 85% of what most people stated. There were only a very few isolated posts that took me by suprise and they are the ones that I quoted mostly. So only a very few posts did I find very slanted or stereotypical (such as My4kids post). For what it's worth, not all SAHM are the best moms---or "sacrifice" for their family. Just as not all working moms are only working because they want the finer things in life and don't like being home with the kids. There is a VAST middle ground and I just found it strange that My4kids could place all moms neatly into 2 groups. I wasn't going to post at all, save for that post.

But my post is supportive and praises all moms period. If you take it as argumentative, then I can't change your view on that. What you might see as a debate, some might see as varying personal experiences. Sharing of what works for them. There are many ways to make things work and still be a good mom. No single mom's family situation is the same. We shouldn't let anyone make us feel bad for what we do to make our families work. And I do sympathize with the OP for how her family treats her. I think she received alot of very supportive posts on this thread.

juliejody

01-31-2007, 06:46 AM

MiaSRN62

01-31-2007, 06:55 AM

I truly did not mean to offend anyone. I've been a working mom (briefly) and a sahm. Neither is easy. And, I know that not everyone has a choice. I just meant that I consider it a blessing to have a choice and I'm happy with the choice I made. Please accept my apology for the unfortunate wording I used.
I agree with this Julie.....and it's often a sacrifice to both stay at home and be a working mom. I feel we all make sacrifices to do what we have to do. We shouldn't be questioned for our decisions by anyone. The reasons we all do what we do are very much personal and private for the most part and I'll never understand why some choose to stereotype ---and this goes for ALL moms. There's enough guilty feelings that go around on both sides of the coin. We should all support eachother in what good jobs we do :goodvibes

Deesknee

01-31-2007, 11:03 AM

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

HELP Please.

....."more than ever" End of story.

Twingle

01-31-2007, 11:19 AM

....."more than ever" End of story.

Love, love, love, LOVE this. Short, sweet, not snarky, too the point, and OH SO TRUE (at least, in my case it is!).

my4kids

01-31-2007, 12:46 PM

Huh ? :confused3
Am I missing something in translation here ? I am a working mom. And just because I work out of the house, does not mean I don't come home and have to do all the same things SAHM do ? I'm home when my kids get home from school. I do the taxi service thing to after school activities, do all the laundy, food shopping, take kids to the doctor....and work out of the house during the day. But I guess I'd fall in the 2nd group of moms you mentioned My4kids ? While I am not jealous of SAHM, it would be nice to not have to work outside the home because I have a very stressful job (labor and delivery/high risk pregnancy RN). Most times I come home so exhausted, but I push myself. I think ALL moms encounter problems and have to justify themselves from time to time. It's unfair, because we all have our reasons for doing what we do or have to do. I must be in group #3 which you did not list My4kids. That is the group that loves their kids and does whatever they can for them, yet still has to contribute to the household paycheck. To say, that because I work it means I'd rather cut off my arm than be with my kids ? Also, I recall the years when my kids were young, I was one of the few working moms and I would sometimes get looked down upon by them. Standing at the bus stop I was never part of their "in" playgroups or tea times etc. So working and SAHM face judgemental people. The grass is not always greener.....

I'm really hoping I missed something in your post and maybe you're just referring to the snarky working moms that make snide comments ? Please tell me "yes". If so, then please excuse & disregard my post.

Well, I work and never relied on day care or a nanny. Occasionally grandmom was a blessing----and I'll always treasure the times my kids got to spend with her because she was wonderful. We lost her in 2004, but I'll always be thankful for the nurturing person she was to my children and what a wonderful help she was to me over the years we had her with us.
Over the years since we've had children we found other ways to work it out. I worked the graveyard shift for 11 years while the kids were young. I'd often go 24-30 hours with no sleep, but coffee was my best friend. I'd get home at 7:45 am, kiss my dh goodbye as he went off to work and be home with the kids all day until I had to leave for work again at 10 pm.
Even now, while I don't work the graveyard anymore, my dh and I still work opposite shifts so there is usually one of us home with them. So I feel blessed that we've been able to work this all out and done what was best for our family. I give ALL moms the utmost credit and praise for making it work for their families ! We all have our uphill challenges.
Thanks, now it's better :)

This is what you missed in my post - I don't know you. Therefore, you don't fall in to either group. I was referring to the 2 groups of mom that I know. Since I am fortunate to live in an affluent area, I don't know many people around me in my neighborhood that HAVE TO work. They (the women that I personally know) work because they want to. Some of them would tell you that they have to, but what they mean is they have to work to finance the vacations, the fancy SUV's, the expensive private schools, designer everything, bigger houses, etc. If they really wanted to be home with their kids, they could more than afford to do so, it just would mean they might not have a new SUV every 2 years, and might have to go to the carribean every other year instead of every year. I am more than aware that there are plenty of moms who would love to be home with their kids but truly need to work to meet the bills. I just don't know any personally.

My SIL would tell you that she "has to work" to pay the morgage. and she does because the just bought a 5 bedroom house, even though they only have 2 kids. If she had stayed in her nice 3 bedroom house that was payed off, she would not have to work.. I honestly think she moved just to justify her still working and being able to say "she has to work" She likes working, she doesn't have to. And yes, she would cut off her right arm before she would ever stay home full time with her kids. Those are the people I was talking about.

MiaSRN62

01-31-2007, 01:10 PM

Thanks for coming back to clarify My4kids. It's truly a shame though, that those are the only kinds of working moms you know. Because there is a vast....huge middle ground of us working moms who are not even remotely close to the types of working moms you know. Even the SAHM's seem to fit very neatly (stereotypically) into your groups. I work with an OBGYN---nicest guy. His wife is an RN and she came to work with us in the Del Room. Unfortunately, she couldn't juggle it all with her dh's difficult schedule of long office hours and on-call time in labor and delivery so she quit after 3 months. But she often comes in to visit him with the kids when he's on-call and says she misses working occasionally. So here is a SAHM who really doesn't choose to stay at home, but is sort of forced into it.

I know several SAHM's who would love to work and don't particularily want to be home 24/7, but do so because the amount of net money they would bring home from working, would just almost cover the cost of daycare/babysitting so they are pretty much forced into staying home. No big sacrifices here. I'm just pointing out that the world of SAHM and working moms is huge and greatly overflows from your two specific groups. Life is not all black and white. Alot of us make choices we're not particularily thrilled with. Those of us that can make the kind of choices we really want are truly blessed.

Whatever a woman's choice to either work or SAH, it their personal decision and I'm sure they have their reasons and I'm sure there is more than one reason. It can be a very difficult decision to make on either side and we need to give credit to them.

But I did say in my above quoted post, that I perhaps lost something in translation when I quoted you and I'm glad to see I did. Thanks again for coming back to explain exactly what you meant.

mericletwins

01-31-2007, 04:58 PM

I don't understand why a working mom would click on a thread that says "All SAHMs please help". If I saw a thread that read: "Working Moms, unite!" or "All working moms please help" I wouldn't even open the thread because it has nothing to do with me but that's just how I am.

Personally, I opened it and responded because although not a SAHM currently I was one previously. I still think that my experience is vaulable although I now work.

MiaSRN62

01-31-2007, 05:16 PM

Personally, I opened it and responded because although not a SAHM currently I was one previously. I still think that my experience is vaulable although I now work.

Perfectly stated Lisa.........
There are many threads I read and participate in here on the DIS that might not pertain to me personally or directly, but where I still feel I can share helpful information or life experiences. I was a SAHM for the first 18 months of motherhood and I experienced many of the same things shared here in this thread.
The DIS is an open forum---not a private club. :)

beattyfamily

01-31-2007, 05:27 PM

The DIS is an open forum---not a private club. :)

I realize that and I agree but I was only giving my opinion on what I do (or don't do) when I see a "working mom" thread. Obviously, we disagree and that's just fine.

I'm just bummed that yet another SAHM thread turned into a debate. It never fails so I'm not surprised, but a just little disappointed.

MiaSRN62

01-31-2007, 05:46 PM

I'm just bummed that yet another SAHM thread turned into a debate. It never fails so I'm not surprised, but a just little disappointed.
I agree. I am bummed as well.....like I said, the majority of these posts were great---very uplifting and supportive of all moms. But certain posts (and thankfully they were few and far between) just really struck me as stereotyping/deragatory of working moms (like we're all either jealous, money hungry or don't want to be around our kids as examples here on this thread). And as I mentioned, I was a SAHM at one time. So I feel I did have something to share, though you might not agree.

As a working mom, it can be difficult to read things like that. I sure hope SAHM's wouldn't see me as that type of a person. I wish we would all just stick together as moms in general and not pit eachother against one another. I feel we can all help eachother in the long run. So I am disappointed a bit as well.

ohiominnie

01-31-2007, 05:57 PM

Haven't read the first 6 pages, but from the looks of it got heated..

anyway.....

to answer the original question:

Are you working now?

Yes, I am a Pediatric Logistics Specialist ;)

(can't take credit, Whitney from the LD Podcast taught me that one)

ampc3

01-31-2007, 06:20 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Mouse House Mama

01-31-2007, 09:34 PM

I just wanted to post to the OP- Be happy and confident in whatever choices you make no matter what anyone says. (this goes for all us Moms!) Who cares what the family says etc.? You are doing what's right for your family and that's all that really matters. Good luck to everyone and may we all raise happy, healthy, and loving children!:grouphug:

MindyLuvsMickey

02-01-2007, 07:45 AM

I really don't get that question very much. The people around me know how difficult it is to stay at home a manage a household. I've found, around here at least, that people really see it as favorable to be at home with their children.

Most of my old co-workers were a bit on the jealous side that I have the oppportunity to be home with my son (and future children). My DH works very hard to give me the opportunity to be the primary teacher for our son.

I don't know that I will ever go back to being a formal career. Teaching was rewarding, but I'd rather have the opportunity to chaperone school field trips, bake cup cakes for class parties, and help grade papers in my child's classroom.

jodifla

02-01-2007, 03:03 PM

I don't know why you have to make snarky remarks about being a SAHM. Just a little FYI I happen to have a highly demanding job that many people can't even handle. Not a pat on my back- just fact. I am on a very long child care leave since I have had my kids so close together. Anyway- Having worked, been a working Mom and a SAHM I still think that while I don't think it's hard being home (as in digging ditches hard) alot more goes into how I care for my kids than anything else in the world - including my job- as I am sure every mother feels as well. So..... while my job was demanding, I still had a set lunch hour, coffee breaks, toilet breaks without an audience, and set hours to end my day. So in that aspect of course it was easier! Do I love being home with my kids no matter how demanding? You betcha! I love and treasure every minute with them! (as do all parents I am sure). Do I consider it work? Nope! Work is something you have to do and maybe don't want to. Being home with my kids is bliss!

Now I have to go and make sure that the kids turn on the lights so everyone can see the statue that they built in my honor on the front lawn.:lmao:

Like I said, I am a SAHM now after 22 years in the workforce. I was raised by a SAHM. But being a SAHM doesn't qualify women for sainthood or offer children perfect childhoods, as many SAHM's (not you) seem to want to suggest. But having SAHMs certainly offers benefits children and our society, I'd say.

In our corporate break-neck world, it's nice to have SOMEBODY with a flexible schedule in a family to take care of doctor's appointments, sick days, recitals, etc. But there are potential severe tradeoffs to staying home that everybody should be aware of (Because my mom stayed home, there was no money for their retirement, so MY FAMILY is footing a lot of the bill for my dad's retirement.)

In an earlier post, I responded directly to the OP that since it was her family making these comments, there's certainly some agenda we don't know about playing into it.

When someone asks me what I do now, I tell them. I'm never given any kind of hard time about it, but perhaps that's because I spent so long in the workforce, I'm not sure.

MiaSRN62

02-01-2007, 04:09 PM

Mama House Mama says : Anyway- Having worked, been a working Mom and a SAHM I still think that while I don't think it's hard being home (as in digging ditches hard) alot more goes into how I care for my kids than anything else in the world - including my job- as I am sure every mother feels as well. So..... while my job was demanding, I still had a set lunch hour, coffee breaks, toilet breaks without an audience, and set hours to end my day.
First off, want to say, that I fully understand what being a SAHM is all about.
But, not all of us have jobs that give us rest breaks/meal breaks/restroom breaks. Even though I worked the 11 pm to 7 am shift for 11 years, I still had to do all the SAHM stuff during the day. I was up with my kids. And, just to give another side of the working mom----I rarely, if ever, get breaks at my work. I'd come home from work at 7:45 in the morning, having not been to the bathroom for maybe 6-9 hours. Maybe managed to sneak a few saltines from the kitchenette we provide for our patients during the night as a meal. Typical scenario for me in the Delivery Room would be me running down the hallway with a 300 pound stretcher and patient for a stat C-section at 3 am. Keep in mind I got home by 8 am and had to go strong all day with the three kids. If I got home and told my husband I got a 15 min "potty/meal" break at 4 am, he'd feign fainting---all dramatic---because it was just so rare in my field. Hospital nursing is a tough job. I can't speak for other professions (I'm certain there are very difficult outside jobs that moms do though), but I'd bet other working nurse moms would back me up on what I say here. Breaks are rare---especially on the usually short-staffed graveyard shifts.

So sure, my out of the home working day ended at 7 am, but I had a 30 min drive home and then got to start my working SAHM day. My dh didn't get home from work until 6 or 7 pm usually.

So, not every working mom has it as easy (at their outside job) as some others might. I still stand behind the fact that nothing is black and white. I fully believe some SAHM's have it harder than others, just as some working moms have it harder than others. One just cannot put everything into neat pigeon holes. They don't exist in the "mommy world".

As Jodifla experienced, I was also raised by a SAHM. My mom could never ever understand what I went through working all through the wee hours of the morning and going all day with the kids into the night. Some times I'd ask if she could come over just so I could catch a nap from working all night and she always made an excuse not to. She'll never know how exhausted my early motherhood years were. Our relationship was often strained due to the differences in our lives raising our kids. I see this strain here on this thread between the working and SAHM as well. It's sad. But I can totally understand how we cannot understand what eachother fully goes through because all family situations are different. We shouldn't sterotype either SAHM or working moms.

I am truly not trying to be snarky towards SAHM (I was raised by one and was one myself for awhile so I understand). I absolutely fully agree SAHM work hard raising the kids, taking care of the household and get very exhausted. But the flip side is, working mom's lives aren't a piece of cake either. I run non-stop at my job & then come home and run some more. All us moms are going through the same things really (we're running all day long and into the night !). It gets quite crazy sometimes for us all. Yet we ALL somehow manage to keep it together.
We all need to hold our head's up high and be confident and at peace with what we do :thumbsup2 :flower3: :grouphug:

louise'

02-01-2007, 05:47 PM

I think there are three types of mothers. Working moms, stay at home moms and those that can do both .

I'm just curious why you call yourself only a working mom when you are also a stay at home mom? I think you are doing a great job.

Unfortunately, I picked a career that is 9 to 5 with lots of overtime at month end. Now that I have five children, that career no longer works for our family. I wanted to be home until the kids went to school. Now that they are school age, I don't have a problem with latchkey care for a two or three hours each day. My problem is sick days, vacation days, snow days, holidays and summer vacation. I do not have family to help out and my husband travels quite a bit. I am thinking about working temp work during the school year. I do work part-time from home and signed on to be a sub teacher so I will have the same schedule as the kids. I'm just trying to find my new place in this world as a mother.

Good luck to all mothers.

First off, want to say, that I fully understand what being a SAHM is all about.
But, not all of us have jobs that give us rest breaks/meal breaks/restroom breaks. Even though I worked the 11 pm to 7 am shift for 11 years, I still had to do all the SAHM stuff during the day. I was up with my kids. And, just to give another side of the working mom----I rarely, if ever, get breaks at my work. I'd come home from work at 7:45 in the morning, having not been to the bathroom for maybe 6-9 hours. Maybe managed to sneak a few saltines from the kitchenette we provide for our patients during the night as a meal. Typical scenario for me in the Delivery Room would be me running down the hallway with a 300 pound stretcher and patient for a stat C-section at 3 am. Keep in mind I got home by 8 am and had to go strong all day with the three kids. If I got home and told my husband I got a 15 min "potty/meal" break at 4 am, he'd feign fainting---all dramatic---because it was just so rare in my field. Hospital nursing is a tough job. I can't speak for other professions (I'm certain there are very difficult outside jobs that moms do though), but I'd bet other working nurse moms would back me up on what I say here. Breaks are rare---especially on the usually short-staffed graveyard shifts.

So sure, my out of the home working day ended at 7 am, but I had a 30 min drive home and then got to start my working SAHM day. My dh didn't get home from work until 6 or 7 pm usually.

So, not every working mom has it as easy (at their outside job) as some others might. I still stand behind the fact that nothing is black and white. I fully believe some SAHM's have it harder than others, just as some working moms have it harder than others. One just cannot put everything into neat pigeon holes. They don't exist in the "mommy world".

As Jodifla experienced, I was also raised by a SAHM. My mom could never ever understand what I went through working all through the wee hours of the morning and going all day with the kids into the night. Some times I'd ask if she could come over just so I could catch a nap from working all night and she always made an excuse not to. She'll never know how exhausted my early motherhood years were. Our relationship was often strained due to the differences in our lives raising our kids. I see this strain here on this thread between the working and SAHM as well. It's sad. But I can totally understand how we cannot understand what eachother fully goes through because all family situations are different. We shouldn't sterotype either SAHM or working moms.

I am truly not trying to be snarky towards SAHM (I was raised by one and was one myself for awhile so I understand). I absolutely fully agree SAHM work hard raising the kids, taking care of the household and get very exhausted. But the flip side is, working mom's lives aren't a piece of cake either. I run non-stop at my job & then come home and run some more. All us moms are going through the same things really (we're running all day long and into the night !). It gets quite crazy sometimes for us all. Yet we ALL somehow manage to keep it together.
We all need to hold our head's up high and be confident and at peace with what we do :thumbsup2 :flower3: :grouphug:

MiaSRN62

02-01-2007, 06:05 PM

I'm just curious why you call yourself only a working mom when you are also a stay at home mom? I think you are doing a great job.

Hi Louise.....and thank you.
You're right....not sure why I consider myself just a working mom (meaning outside the home)---I guess the whole "bringin' home a paycheck" thing. But when I look at myself, I don't see that part. I see myself as a mom first. I'm in the middle I guess...I just get paid for some work and not paid for other work...I work part-time as well, so I don't even fall into the category of those moms who work 40+ hours a week. I work about 24-32 hrs. Depends on the week....but I consider my more important work, are the times I don't get paid so I'm with the SAHM's on this.
Some days I do have trouble managing after school activities---it can be very tough as you well know. I was lucky to have a job where I could work the graveyard hours for so many years---and I know not everyone has this choice, so I sympathize.
Thanks again for your kind words and support to all moms whatever their "jobs" may be. :)