View Full Version : HElp
12-12-2006, 12:08 PM
Hi, I have never written here, but need some encouragement of some kind. Sorry to be so brutally honest..
My father physically abused my sister, my mother and myself when we were children. We have managed to get over this, and I am the only one who speaks to him. He has changed, and has regular visiitation with my 2 children, is remarried, and his new wife seems fantastic.
I have also sworn up and down, that the day myfather died, I would never cry..
Today HIs new wife just called me at work, saying my father is in ICU, it seems he had several strokes this morning, may have blood clots (again, runs in our family), and it really does not look good for him..
Fast forward, I am bawling like a baby. This is still my father, yet is it?? OMG I am so confused. I have 2 more hours of work, and I am going to the hospital, I think I need to go see. I really do.
I am sorry to post this, it is just so difficult for anyone to understand, my mom is crying also, she feels guilty, but Ifeel hypocrital for crying...I just don't know..
THanks for listening... :goodvibes
12-12-2006, 02:34 PM
12-12-2006, 03:25 PM
As much as he has hurt you, he is still your father. He wasn't a good one but he's the only one you had. We can't turn our feelings on and off at will. As much as you'd like to not feel anything you can't stop yourself. It could be that you love him very much or it could be that you are grieving the father that you never had because now you never will. I don't know. Those are issues to talk over with a counselor. It sounds to me like you want to go and if you feel able you should, regardless of your mother or sister's feelings.
I know when my mother passes away I'll have some pretty mixed feelings. But I can't begin to predict how I'll react at this point. You do what is going to make you feel best. :grouphug:
12-12-2006, 03:40 PM
Don't ever be ashamed or feel guilty for crying. I never knew my Father because my Mom kicked him out when I was just a baby. Still when I heard he had died part of me cried. After all he once cared enough about my Mom to marry her and have my Brother and I.
I'm hoping that you get to see your Dad and make peace with yourself and him if that is what you want.
12-12-2006, 04:13 PM
I agree with Mary here, I do hope you have the chance to see your Dad and make peace with the past.....it is normal to cry, he is your Father..maybe not a great Dad, but still your Dad. When you see him, I hope it is the closure and peace that you need.
12-12-2006, 09:25 PM
Thanks everyone...Really THANK YOU.
Well, i went to the hospital, and the doctor was just arriving to speak, so I am glad I heard this...The doctor said that he had a LARGE confirmed blood clot in his left lung, and it was almost as large as his lung itself. His blood pressure was/is 80/55 which is way too low, and they can not find why. They can not read any temperature on him, and he is freezing. He can on oxygen as his breathing was impaired.
Tonight his wife just called me, and told me he is a little worse. They had to connect him to a hear monitor as all of this breathing problem is starting to take great strains on his heart...They have started him on anticoagulants, and will re avulate it in the AM. They said that if it hits a major artery, there is almost nothing they can do...They said it would be a long road, if they could indeed break up or shrink the clot..When I was there, he was not making sense either, and I asked the doctor if there was any possibility of the clot reaching his brain, and he said he does not know, they will do a scan tomorrow, and he was on no PAIN meds, so the mubble jubble was???
Thanks everyone for your kind words. Hubby is trying, but he really does not understand.
I do have a talking relationship with my father, and really have no guilt, My door has always been open, but, I do think you are right when someone wrote, I may be grieving for the father I never knew, and may never get the chance too. This really makes me cry buckets. I never thought I would, but I am sad now, and this man is alive...
WHo knows, just thanks for listening.. :grouphug:
12-13-2006, 04:31 AM
Please keep us in the loop and you stay strong, sounds as if you have a handle on this. I do hope he does not suffer and that if he rallys that would be a great thing for his wife, she seems like a good person and it is Christmas. Hugs to you........you did good.
12-13-2006, 01:49 PM
I hope everything is going okay for you. I read this and the first thing that I thought was that there are no rule books as to how you are supposed to feel. You can't control your feelings. There is no right and wrong. Let yourself deal however you think you need to.
12-13-2006, 03:46 PM
:grouphug: Don't give up hope yet on your father. I had a very very large blood clot and I am still here.
Please do what feels right for you. I think it is great that you still care for your father. You can't worry about the rest of your family.
Now is the time to do what you feel you need to. :grouphug:
12-13-2006, 05:19 PM
I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts. It really helps to read them..
Today's news is not much different, except they have found another clot in the other lung.
IT will take days before they see if the medication is indeed helping at all. There is no room in the hospital, so he remains in emergency, sad really...THey want a room in a ward, but our lovely system is what it is... :confused3
I did not go today, as I had a job interview, and I don't think I actually did very well..My mind had trouble focusing..Oh well
I will go by tomorrow and see. His wife told me the doctor is very worried about more damage tot he heart by his strugglying to breathe. They do have him on constant oxygen. SHe says he cries all the time..WOW...My dad is an ex hockey player, and 6.4 225...VERY rare for my father to cry, this makes me feel worse. He really must feel weak and sick to cry like this.
I have not given up hope at all, I think he will make it, he just has a long recovery. THe doctor told him today a minimum of 2 weeks is required, and that is just a start...So XMas :sad2: Whatever has to be, has to be..
That will be hard on them, not so much on us, as we don't see each other then..Oh well.,I am rambling onnow..Thanks, if anyone has gotten this far..
Have a good evening everyone.
12-13-2006, 06:01 PM
I read it all and understood everything..
I do hope that you hear positively on the job interview and that your Dad starts to improve....you take care of yourself too and let us know how he is doing tomorrow.. :grouphug:
12-16-2006, 07:53 PM
I understand your feelings about your dad. I had a simular childhood. I have a very strained relationship with mine.
At least you have kept the door open for him.
Just want to send you a big :grouphug:
12-16-2006, 10:05 PM
:wave:Everyone..Sorry for the late update. Well,t hings really are no different, except they have found a room for him. He remains on oxygen, has the clots in both lungs, and is really out of breath. I did not go see him today, as there is just SO much to do with Xmas and all. We actually went out wtih friends and their 2 kids. So all 8 of us, had a nice day out, which I REALLY needed..
I talked to him tonight, he is able to talk a little, then is winded. He keeps reminding me his doctor told him to MAKE SURE his 2 daughters keep getting tested, as this is definitely genetic. My gynocologist had me tested 2x to see if I carry the gene, and I don't, although it confuses me, as he says this can change day to day :confused3 :confused3 :confused3 Obviously my sister carries it, as she has had clots as well. She does not have contact with him however, so?
I did NOT get the job, oh well. It was not meant to be, it would have been hard full time right now anyway. Part time would really be all that I could handle. After the new year I will try again..
Thank you to everyone for giving kind words here. I read other threads, and pray for everyone, as their loads are much heavier than mine right now. I really do pray, just no energy to type in those threads. But, my prayers are there..
12-21-2006, 09:44 PM
sorry you are having such a difficult time right now...Ihope your father comes out ok from this...
while my father wasn't as bad as yours, due to alcohol etc he wasn't the best so when he was dying i had mixed emotions but i decided to go and be with him ( he was in a nursing home due to various serious problems,, he chose to refuse treatment so they made him comfortable and he died a few days later) i'm really glad i went so i could know i did what i could to be peacable and loving with him. my siblings didn't feel the same but i think i would have regreted it otherwise...as bad as he was, for me i think it would have done more damage to not try to just forgive him cause then i'd feel guilty about it. and i know he appreciated it...one of my best feeling about my father came when i was leaving the night before he died( he died before i got there the next morning) and he had been pretty unresponsive all day but he shakingly reached up and put his hand on my shoulder when i kissed his forehead goodby...not to be to smaltz but i never really was sure he loved me but i knew he did then and it made me feel much better about our entire life together .
so i think you need to do what you feel is best for you and what you think will give you the most comfort later, when all is said and done.
i do also agree with the poster who said about missing what might have been...
it's been 2 1/2 yrs but i still cry when i think about him ( i have tears in my eyes right now in fact :) and when i see my stepfather enjoying his time with my granddaughter i think what my father missed out on but i don't feel bad about anything i said or did to him
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