Depression

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Good Morning Everyone!

I'm going to make a bold move here and start a thread on depression. In the past it has been very "taboo" for people to share their experiences, however I think it's an important issue.

I would like this thread to be non-judgemental and non-confrontational....a place where people can feel safe to come and share their personal experiences or the experiences they've had with loved ones.


Thanks!

[SunFloridaDisney]

Thank you!!

I was thinking of starting my own thread, maybe a sub-topic of this one, specifically for SAD, since it is that time of year.

I am sitting here in front of my light box, trying to soak up the artificial sunlight as it is so dreary and gray looking outside where I live. :sad2: :guilty:

Anyone who wants information or justs wants to share your experience, feel free to join in, or PM me.

And pjb hockey mom, didn't mean to hijack the thread! :sunny:

[pjb_hockey_mom]

....and it certainly is that time of year. Maybe I should have called this the "feeling blue" thread....a place where folks can come when they're just feeling down.

After having my son 11+ years ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression....it has been a struggle for me ever since. Like everyone, I have my good days and bad. I hope this is a place where folks can feel comfortable to share their experiences and what they're doing to make themselves feel better, whether it be diet, exercise, medication, etc.

thanks!

[Mackey Mouse]

I am so glad that you started this thread on our new board.......it is the safe place to discuss how you are doing, your treatment, and maybe hear other experiences... Depression is sometimes so difficult to work through and regulating medications as well to keep that balance.

Please know that I will make sure it is a safe place for all of us. Thanks for posting and hopefully together we can help each other.

[Tinker74]

I have suffered with depression on and off over the years :guilty: ..I have never actually taken medication or even seen my doctor about it..I have just dealt with it. But recently things hav gotten so bad for me that I just knew i had to do something, so I have been taking st jons wort a herbal remedy for a couple of weeks and started going to a Gym a few times a week.
I think Iam starting to feel a bit better...but I still get down and weepy..especially around the time of the month.
It sounds silly but a major help to me to lift my spirits is the DIS boards :wizard: ..I don't know what I would do without it. Planning a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth is a great medicine. :)

[athenna]

I have come out of my Dis ''lurking'' faze, just to offer support. My father has suffered from depression most of his life, and undergoes treatment bi-weekly for it. If anyone just wants to talk, feel free to PM me.
Glad you've started this forum :thumbsup2

[pjb_hockey_mom]

I have suffered with depression on and off over the years :guilty: ..I have never actually taken medication or even seen my doctor about it..I have just dealt with it. But recently things hav gotten so bad for me that I just knew i had to do something, so I have been taking st jons wort a herbal remedy for a couple of weeks and started going to a Gym a few times a week.
I think Iam starting to feel a bit better...but I still get down and weepy..especially around the time of the month.
It sounds silly but a major help to me to lift my spirits is the DIS boards :wizard: ..I don't know what I would do without it. Planning a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth is a great medicine. :)

I think you're getting on the right track! :thumbsup2 Exercise and a healthy diet can make a difference. If it continues I would suggest just talking to your dr. about it and seeing what he/she recommends. There are so many options out there that, IMO, no one should suffer.

I understand what what you're saying, there is nothing like a good dose of Disney to make you feel better and take your mind off things. And if that's what gets you through, then great.

[Simba's Mom]

I'm going to post my experience with depression, in hopes that it may help someone. I was one who was very skeptical that there was such a thing when my Mom told me many times she had depression and had to take medication (yeah, her "happy pills", I thought). Then I didn't eat and didn't want to get out of bed for a month, and ended up in the hospital. When my Dr. told me it might be depression (after a week in the hospital and MANY tests), I almost fell out of bed! But I wasn't depressed, sad. I took the antidepressants, though, since they couldn't find anything else (although boy, did they look!)and sure enough, a few weeks later, I felt normal. The doctors at the time explained it as my body just not producing something and since it runs in the family, I'm on a low dose for life. I've come a long way from the person who thought depression was "all in your head".

[PrincessJen09]

A history of depression runs in my family. Both of my grandmothers, my sister, and my mom have it, as well as myself. Because of the history, when I first showed signs, my mom took me to the doctor. I have been on meds since I was a sophomore in high school. Since then I have also been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian disease, throwing my hormones out of whack. I also have SAD. So I gues syou could say that I have seen and experienced a lot of depression. I am glad that this forum was started and this topic because I think it will help everyone. I look forward to getting to know everyone here.

[pjb_hockey_mom]

It really can affect so many people in such different ways. My dr. and I refer to it as "clearing out the cobwebs". Thanks to everyone for sharing. :hug:

Kristin

[rie'smom]

I've been hospitalized 2x for a month at a time with depression then 2 years ago I was in outpatient. The first time I was also anorexic. Prozac was the first drug I was on for about 10 years. Then the last time I was on Lexapro. My internist seems to think that most of my problem is from whack -a -doodle thyroid issues. So now I'm off the Lexapro and I'm taking 3 grains of Armour thyroid. I seem to be doing ok. Occassionally,I get to feeling down and it scares the daylights out of me. After a bit though I realize that it's the anxiety that has me jumpy. All I know is that it's hell on earth and I hope that none of us has to go through it!
Thanks pbj hockey mom for starting this thread!

[goofy4tink]

Thanks so much for starting this thread. My mom suffered with depression but never really did anything to fix it. My brother now suffers horribly with it. He has tried suicide, alcohol, all manner of things. He is on the road to recovery but I still worry about him. Because he is gay, he has a ton of baggage that makes the depression much worse. I'm so hoping to get some insights here, from those of you with more knowledge than I. Thanks again for your knowledge and advice!!!

[need_a_Disney_fix]

I was first diagnosed with depression in 1989 and have been on meds off and on (mostly on) since then. I have tried to come off, but find that I go on a downward spiral. My Doc and I have decided that I may be on meds from now on. That is okay with me and I am glad there is something that helps me.

[ImarriedGrumpy]

I, too, have a family history of depression, and I've had a long struggle with SAD that was greatly reduced by moving from the midwest to CA almost 3 years ago. :sunny: I still have my light box, and I still "droop" every fall when daylight savings ends and the days get shorter. I was on antidepressants off and on over 10 years, and found some of them to be more helpful than others, but I'm thankful for the extra help they provided to get me out of bed and help me function each winter. When I wasn't in counseling/on anti-depressants, I'd have months where I was sleeping more than I was awake, not eating, not working/going to class, not doing much of anything other than "hibernating". Moving to CA when I married DH has been a huge blessing for me - I never dreamed that this could make such a difference! I still see a counselor from time to time - I finally found a good one, so I go to see her whenever my depression flares up again and that helps me stay on track.

Both my mom and DSis were hospitalized with depression related issues, and frankly I think DH has some depression/anxiety, but he won't admit it.

[tacomaranch]

Wow, what a huge step, it is like we are all coming out of the closet. I think I have SAD but it is opposite. I love to snowboard and when I ride I take all my anger, my tears, my sadness and I throw it all at the mountain and see who wins. I love to ride the trees and also the extreme deep powder. I only get on groomers at the very end as a means to get back to the gonadola going back up.

I like the warmth of summer and miss sitting on the back porch or riding the horses, but there is something so special that connects me to the mountains.

I just recently saw my local Dr. to discuss depression. I have been very sad since seeing the diagnosis that my 3 yr old DS has Autsim and will not be ok. I tried Cymbalta and after the first two weeks really like the feeling of the waking sleep. I got the house work done well, could sit for 3 hours reading the same boring thomas book to my son. I never complained to my Dh about him treating me like his waitress. He leaves everything out for me to pick up. Coffe cups, glasses, things he wants moved to the garage, etc. I was so dutiful and a "good wife'. However I lost a huge amount of weight. I went from my normal 108 to 89. I never wanted food and was never hungry. So we switched to Effexor. After a week of feeling like ants were crawling on my skin I just stopped, It has been 1 week exactly.

I am still sad about my son, I am still very angry at God, I hate when people say it will be ok. It will never be ok! Urg. I question why I have yet to come to terms to the fact that my Dear son is not ever going to be ok. Given all that, I think I should cry, I should be sad and I should be throw it all at the mountain and see what it can throw back.

Blessing and thank you for reading this long post, April

[pjb_hockey_mom]

I once worked with a woman whos son was autistic. As we were getting to know eachother and becoming friendly, we were talking about our families one day. She told me about her three children and when she spoke of her autistic child she referred to him as her "gift". He was her "gift from God" and brought so much love and joy into the family. Every child is special, they're just special in their own ways....that's how she described it to me and I've never forgotten that.

April, you will come to terms with this when you are ready....there is no time limit. Don't be so hard on yourself, you will find your way in your own time - wether it be through prayer, counseling, support groups, etc.... Stay healthy and go kick the heck out of that mountain!

[SunFloridaDisney]

Good morning!

Thanks again for everyone who has been here and sharing.

April, <<HUGS>> to you. I would also say to make sure to take care of yourself, that's one of the best things you can do for your DS.
I have 4 kids, and my worst fight with depression was when they were all very small, I don't think I realized at the time how my illness was affecting them.


Monday morning, I'm at work, I get on the bus in the dark, and I think it is going to be gloomy all day here. I try to get out at lunch and walk, that helps, at least for me, physical activity is an important part of my battle with SAD.
ImarriedGrumpy - how lucky for you that you've moved to CA!!

Ok, off to work. :sunny:

[Serena]

I just wanted to post here since I deal with it too, that and anxiety. I do pretty well most the time but I go through periods when I think they should increase my dosage.
I've got through I think 4 different meds so far and this one seems to work the best with the least side effects for me.

{{{hugs}}} to all

[cstraub]

I suffer from ADD. It can cause you to feel depressed- no doubt. We have a huge history in our family of a whole gamit of mental illnesses. You name we have it.

I have posted that I have ADD in my siggie. People need to stop being embarassed about mental illnesses. We really need to break the silence! People are suffering because of it.

Thanks OP! :thumbsup2

[nymomof3]

:guilty: I was so excited to find this thread, i could be anyone of you guys cause everything that you all are feeling is exactly what i feel. i am not on a permanent medication but i do take zanax when i need it but i think i need it all the time, at that time of the month it is definetly worse. i hate everyone and crying all the time. i just want to feel happy all the time and not have so much anxiety and take things so seriously. i see people sometimes laughing and having fun just really doing nothing and i always think to myself i want to be happy just doing nothing. hopefully one day i will figure it out :confused3 :guilty:

[TnRobin]

I am so glad to see this thread and thank the person with the bravery to take the first step and start it.

My bout with depression started last year with my mom being diagnosed and later passing away from cancer. Through the help of my little "happy pill," I was able to make it through. I am curerntly med free for the most part, but still am dealing with episodes.

Thanks for the opportunity to talk.

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Just wanted to say hi to everyone and thank you for being so brave in sharing your experiences! :wave:

It's raw and rainy and just down right yucky up here....good time to take a nap!

[athenna]

Just wanted to send hugs to everyone here and know you are not alone! :grouphug:

[Shugardrawers]

I suffered from depression long before I was diagnosed with cancer. It's not something that you take a pill and it goes away. It's a chronic disease that requires lifelong treatment. My Dh and I have been married 5 years and he's only just recently seen me in the middle of a real depressive phase. He isn't coping well with it :rolleyes:

Our generation is the first one that it's been ok to admit to feeling this way and seeking treatment for it. Trust me, you are far from alone :grouphug:

[plgrn]

Our generation is the first one that it's been ok to admit to feeling this way and seeking treatment for it.

I'm so thankful for that! Otherwise, I'd be in a "heap of trouble" :rolleyes:

[VictoriaT]

It's really nice to know I am not alone in this! :grouphug: You never realize how many people have it until someone is brave enough to bring it out in the open! I believe most people still believe it is a taboo topic. My MIL acts like it doesn't exist, which makes life rather difficult for me. I've been battling for four years, many ups and downs. One of these days, I'm going to try to move to a sunnier state to try to eliminate the SAD portion of the disease. We can all get through it! :love: It just takes time.

[rie'smom]

SAD UGH !! About 3 weeks ago,I had a bout,which,of course,scared me-my first thoughts when the dark days come on is:OMG,am I going back to the hospital? Then, I realized what it was and I calmed down and my mood began to lighten. Even though it was raining,I stepped out onto the patio and looked toward the sky and stared at a sliver of light and thanked God. Phew!! made it through again.
Do y'all feel kinda like that? As though you are fighting an internal battle and after coming through,you're as exhausted as though you had fought a physical battle? Exhausted but exhilirated that you've come out and beat the depression.

[Mackey Mouse]

When my Mom died, I think I almost lost it......took me a long time to come around, I did it myself and probably should have looked for help.......but this was many years ago...

I have to say right now, I feel pretty down about my husband being ill again and it scares the life out of me.....I think I might try one of the cancer support groups at the hospital and see if that does it for me. If not, I will be looking to talk to someone about it.

I am sitting here typing and I am exhausted and yet I cannot sleep. This being down and out is not easy...

Hugs everyone.

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Marsha, I think the support group is a great idea! And I think you'll be surprised at how good it might feel to get out and talk to others who are going through the same thing.

Blah day today. The weather up here has been so yucky, I'm looking forward to tomorrow and getting outside, watching my son play hockey, and seeing some sun. :goodvibes

Take care of you everyone!

[plgrn]

The weather up here has been so yucky, I'm looking forward to tomorrow and getting outside, watching my son play hockey, and seeing some sun. :goodvibes


Same here! After two days of gloom and rain I was ready to see the sun again. :sunny: I took our dog for a 2 mile walk today and that did a world of good for both of us! Hope everyone has a great weekend! :goodvibes :goodvibes :goodvibes

[mom+3girls]

I suffered with post pardum depression with all of my kids and it got worse with each. With the third one I was a passenger in a car that my now ex husband was driving I wanted to jump out the window as he was going down the road doing about 70 miles and hour. I was also in a very bad marriage I was taking 40 mg of prozac .5 mg Ativan 2 times daily and 3 different blood pressure meds my BP hoovered around 144/104.
I am now divorced. :banana:
My husband left me in Nov 2000 and 6 mo later I was taken off of all my BP meds and we started tapering my prozac down, I am not taking any meds for depression at this time, I do have the ativan to take just in case. I probably take one once a month. I went to counseling for about 4 years and spent enough to buy house but hey I feel better.

Divorce was good for me.
My ex said to me one day that he was sorry that he made me so sick.

I hope everyone of you that suffer know that you are not alone and that there is hope and help for us.
I want to add that I am thankful for this forum. And threads like this one.

[angelbaby29871]

hi.its really great to find a thread like this. i've suffered from depression since i was a child with some periods being worse than others. its hard to find people that don't judge you for being weak to suffer from depression and a good few times i've been called weakminded for 'letting it get to me'. it was only after finding the support from my now DH and getting my family to understand that i realise i'm not the weak one. its hard sometimes just to get up in the mornings but i do. :grouphug: to everyone who has been there and understands what its like and that it does get easier.

[Shugardrawers]

It's taken me a long time but I've finally gotten it through my head that for me, antidepressant meds are like some people and their heart meds or blood pressure pills. It's just something I'll have to take all my life. It's hard to see this as a medical condition but the total difference in me when I'm on meds and when I'm off makes it obvious it is. There are millions of us out there and there's no reason for us to hide or feel embarassed anymore. We aren't abnormal, we have a treatable medical condition.

[nancyL]

Wow. What a great find this thread was. I was just thinking earlier today what NYMomof3 said. I look around and see all these happy people around me and I tear up and think- thats all I want. I just want to be like them. Is that so hard? Then I read on and I see Mom+3girls post and I laughed. I too am in a bad marriage and on 40 mg of Prozac. Without it I think I would be suicidal. I too have 3 kids (coincidence or what? grin). Add to the craziness, what I do for a living is work with autistic kids. I happen to like them more than most "regular" kids. They are a gift and dont ever get depressed about having one. Yes, they are harder to live with and raise, but they also reward you much more. And with appropriate intervention (ABA and other therapies) they can AND DO grow up to live normal healthy lives. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. OK? God has chosen you to have one- dont be mad at Him. He will not give you more than you can handle.
Back to me (grin). I have managed for years to just "pretend Im normal" except I just take Prozac to help and I push away the tears until Im alone and then I cry. Im an expert at hiding the evidence. Lately its been getting harder and harder to push it away and pretend. Maybe you guys can help. I really think its all situational due to the bad marriage (no abuse, he's just a jerk and I dont love him anymore) and stuff- but Im in it for the kids- 12 more years and I can go on my own. It just seems far far away right now...I wonder if Im so used to being depressed its getting to be a normal state for me. I worry about it. I was always such a happy "up" person. And I liked myself that way. :(

[Mackey Mouse]

Hi Nancy and glad you found us.. I am digesting what you posted and I thought wow, she is amazing. Not happily married, she has children and works with autistic children and plugs along each day looking for the happiness for herself, which I have to say I think she deserves....

When you need a hug, or want to just vent, come here and we will be here for you. I have to tell you it is hard to feel down every day and I am doing my very best to stay positive in my situation, but is not easy. I do not suffer from what you all have, and even saying that, I can get down and weepy. I cannot imagine what the struggle is to have to deal with that everyday.. Hugs and for what it is worth, we are here for you....someone is always awake and posting.

[SunFloridaDisney]

Saw a good article on MSN this morning (yep, I am a morning person, sitting here in front of my light box right now, and it does help me.) :sunny:

http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100148348&GT1=8769

[ImarriedGrumpy]

Saw a good article on MSN this morning (yep, I am a morning person, sitting here in front of my light box right now, and it does help me.) :sunny:

http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100148348&GT1=8769

Thanks for posting that link - it was a very interesting article! I had no idea that light therapy might also help people with mild non-SAD depression. I wonder if my DH would benefit from it. I have a light box that I used to use daily starting in mid-October through March or April (depending on how I felt each year). Now that I have been blessed in moving to a sunnier and milder climate, I just use it when it's overcast or if the shorter days are getting to me. San Jose averages 300 days of sunshine a year, but the 65 non-sunny days all tend to fall in a clump in the winter (aka the rainy season). Since moving here, I've tried to get outside for at least an hour each day it isn't raining, and it has really helped my SAD.

DH has some mild depression, although he won't admit it. I don't know if it's a guy thing or a DH thing, but he sees depression as a weakness and so would never seek treatment for it because he doesn't want to admit that he's "weak". He's fine with me going for treatment for my depression, but doesn't want to do it himself and denies it if I even begin to suggest that he'd find it helpful.

So has anyone tried one of the "sunrise" lamps/alarms? I'm starting to see them in more catalogs and stores - it gradually gets brighter in the morning to simulate a sunrise. I used to have 4 small lamps in my bedroom set on timers to gradually light up my room each morning to help me get out of bed during the SAD months, but they were a little too bright for DH to handle so I'm wondering if the sunrise alarm/lamp thing might be a good route to go. Anyone have one or know someone who does?

[nancyL]

So my NSDH (not so D-grin) announced last week that he was moving to Florida for his company in March. We live in NJ. (where my family and friends are- my kids are here- they are growing up here- ages 6, 8, 12) None of "us"- me and the kids- want to move. No discussion- just "this is how it is". Long story short- he's had several (good) jobs over the years- last Nov he up and quit his job (did what we all dream of doing but dont because WE are all responsible adults) and didnt get another one till Feb- he didnt start looking till Jan. Anyway, what he does is not exactly easy to find- its a specialty manufacturing position so basically if he dosnt go, he's out of work again.
Sigh. I cant even bring my thoughts further than "I dont want to move". My daughter (12) does nothing but cry every time I try to talk about it with her. Im not much better. Its like a good hour if I can get through it without the tears....So much for trying to get through a day.........Dont get me wrong, I LOVE to visit Fla, and I wanted to RETIRE there someday. But not for at least till my kids grew up! And I sure didtn want to go there WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!! Plus, I cant trust everything he says- he's just slipped around the truth too many times with me for me to believe every thing he says about the "perks" and salary. I can just see getting there and finding out certian things arent what they were supposed to be (like salary and company car, moving expenses, health insurance etc). The cost of living difference is such that once there, we wont be able to afford coming back up north.
My parents are devastated (they live nearby) as is my brother and sister in laws (they also live near by). Obviously he dosnt care- he hates my family...Mutual of course...If any of you are praying folk- please send a few up for me? Is God trying to tell me something? What?
Thanks guys.......Needed the vent...

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs Nancy.....I am not sure what to say here, but vent away anytime.

I can only equate this to one time my husband got a job offer in California... not that there is anything wrong with CA, but our whole family, including my Mom who was alive then, lived on the EAst Coast.. He asked me what I thought and I said I did not want to move to CA...I did not want to leave my Mom, and did not want to bring my kids up in the fast lane or what I thought was the fast lane, being a woman from Boston. The guy who took the job did very well and made lots of money....I got to spend time more time with my Mom who did not live a long time and he got to spend more time with his parents........I think we made the right decision for us..

I hope all works out for you and your children..

[athenna]

I will say my prayers for you Nancy, and will send pixie dust. :wizard:

[luvsmickeymouse]

I have anxiety and depression and getting treated for it. I have made some very positive changes in my life but I do have a ways to go. I take Lexapro, BP medicine, and Adavan. Things are getting alot better. I broke up with the man that was the main cause of this, I have lost weight, and exercise now, I am actually taking care of me for once. I had a very bad anxiety attack back in May and it finally showed me that I deserved better. Its good to be among people that know what it is like to go through something like this. Some people just don't understand. I got made fun of at work. But I have so much to be thankful for. I feel right at home on this thread. Thanks!

[pjb_hockey_mom]

I have anxiety and depression and getting treated for it. I have made some very positive changes in my life but I do have a ways to go. I take Lexapro, BP medicine, and Adavan. Things are getting alot better. I broke up with the man that was the main cause of this, I have lost weight, and exercise now, I am actually taking care of me for once. I had a very bad anxiety attack back in May and it finally showed me that I deserved better. Its good to be among people that know what it is like to go through something like this. Some people just don't understand. I got made fun of at work. But I have so much to be thankful for. I feel right at home on this thread. Thanks!


:sad2: I'm so sorry to hear that. Hopefully you'll find this a place where you can come and share how you're feeling.

It sounds to me like you're on the right track.....making changes in your life and focusing on feeling better - way to go!!

Thinking of everyone today who is suffering - prayers to all! :grouphug:

[Mackey Mouse]

"I broke up with the man that was the main cause of this, I have lost weight, and exercise now, I am actually taking care of me for once."

You are doing it... and keep doing it. Take your meds, listen to yourself and your doctors and just live your life.....go for the gusto...

As far as people making fun of you, I want to scream here.. Shame on them, I will never understand cruelty to someone who is in need.. Never.

Hugs to you, stay positive, and on track for you....who cares what others think...

Hugs all around.

[luvsmickeymouse]

Thank you everyone, this is a great place for me to be. Since May when I had that awful anxiety attack, I have been working part time. I take my medications regularly, see my drs. regularly. I am determined to get through this once and for all. I went for so many years settling for crumbs, NO MORE! I have little setbacks now and then.

Thank You Again!

[mom+3girls]

Thank you everyone, this is a great place for me to be. Since May when I had that awful anxiety attack, I have been working part time. I take my medications regularly, see my drs. regularly. I am determined to get through this once and for all. I went for so many years settling for crumbs, NO MORE! I have little setbacks now and then.

Thank You Again!

Good Luck, determination will get you a long way. It is one step at a time but you will make it. :thumbsup2

[ashjohnson80]

Hi everyone. I have suffered from depression for around 13 years now. The past few months I had felt better than I had since I was a child, I slowly came off the antidepressants because DH and I are ttc. And I was doing really well, for months now. But the past couple of weeks I can feel myself sliding back into it. I want to sleep all of the time. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to try to do anything because I know that I will fail. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to talk about it to someone. If I tell my mom, she'll overreact, and she just has too much on her plate right now. DH just doesn't understand, at all. He just says, "you just can't be that way". And that's the extent of it. So I'm really glad that this is here.

Ash

[King Triton]

I've been going through a stressful year and dealing with depression. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with drepression. So to lift my spirits I'm going to Disneyworld to celebrate Christmas. :banana: Once I walk through those gates, I leave all my cares and woes behind.

:rockband: :dancer: :dancer: :dancer:

[SunFloridaDisney]

How is everyone doing this new year?

I got busy with the holidays, and kinda forgot about this thread.

Personally, this winter has been one of the best in many years for me, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that our weather has been a lot warmer than usual. No snow yet, and not much very cold. However, March, with all the rain and gray skies is always the worst for me. I'm hoping it will go better like the rest of this season has so far.

So how are all of you? :flower3:

[nancyL]

Hi!
Im plugging along. Christmas and New Years werent joyous but they werent depressing either- just kind of blah. Ive been (and still am) having trouble keeping the house clean. The kids and husband are starting to complain, (and I dont much like it either) but are they helping? ha ha ha. Not. I think its a symptom- the naps are coming more and more again. At least I recognize it. I know I have to break out of it. I will. Over Christmas break (as I work in the school system, I had the week off) I did get SOME of the house clean but in the past week it all went kapluey again. Im not sure Ill ever get the Christmas decorations down. Lliving in the chaos of mess is also not helping. It would be so nice to get the house clean and organized. I really think that would make me feel so much better.
I COULD get excited about our moving to Florida, but my husband is being so uncommunicative. Its like once he broke the news to me, he wont tell me anymore. As I mentioned before, we have problems...Easy to get depressed over, but I think Im more frustrated at this point. I can talk myself into getting excited I think- Ive done some research into where we "could" be living and it "might" be nice- then again, I have no idea if he's telling me the truth about the finances so its a huge wait and see.
I know I should start excersizing- but Ive been choosing the naps instead. Bad choices Nancy!!!!! Maybe tomorrow Ill take a walk instead and come back and pack up a room. A room a day might work.....
How 'bout everyone else? Good start to a new year?
NancyL

[jann1033]

my eldest daughter has been dxed with clinical depression for about 5 yrs, i think it started when she was about 15 though looking back( so 14 yrs. right now she is on Lithium, last summer was very bad, closest i know of to suicide( actually standing before an open 14 story window rather than just thinking of it)...her dr had put her on ritalin to help her "focus" and i really thing it pushed her over the edge as she was headed for a depressive episode for sure but this was like no other she had ever had...ended up doing stuff that ruined her marriage( divorce should be final in a few weeks so waiting for another crash after that and she only has her daughter part time which is who kept her from jumping) and still while better is not good...wondering if anyone has ever heard anything about ritalin causing manic like episodes in adults?( know it can in kids) her dr says she is not bipolar in his opinion but she sure acted manic on ritalin

[jann1033]

Wow. What a great find this thread was. I was just thinking earlier today what NYMomof3 said. I look around and see all these happy people around me and I tear up and think- thats all I want. I just want to be like them. Is that so hard? Then I read on and I see Mom+3girls post and I laughed. I too am in a bad marriage and on 40 mg of Prozac. Without it I think I would be suicidal. I too have 3 kids (coincidence or what? grin). Add to the craziness, what I do for a living is work with autistic kids. I happen to like them more than most "regular" kids. They are a gift and dont ever get depressed about having one. Yes, they are harder to live with and raise, but they also reward you much more. And with appropriate intervention (ABA and other therapies) they can AND DO grow up to live normal healthy lives. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. OK? God has chosen you to have one- dont be mad at Him. He will not give you more than you can handle.
Back to me (grin). I have managed for years to just "pretend Im normal" except I just take Prozac to help and I push away the tears until Im alone and then I cry. Im an expert at hiding the evidence. Lately its been getting harder and harder to push it away and pretend. Maybe you guys can help. I really think its all situational due to the bad marriage (no abuse, he's just a jerk and I dont love him anymore) and stuff- but Im in it for the kids- 12 more years and I can go on my own. It just seems far far away right now...I wonder if Im so used to being depressed its getting to be a normal state for me. I worry about it. I was always such a happy "up" person. And I liked myself that way. :(

nancy you sound just like my daughter,,,i am sorry to say for a while i thought while i knew she had clinical depression it was the depression that was affecting her marriage but you know, she has a chronic illness just like you do and i do( not depression with me but a plethora of others) and in her case her husband has chosen not to be kind and supportive to her. her drs feel the marriage problem is exacerbating the depression...so while she has a 2 yr old and i hate the thought of her not having 2 full time parents i hate the thought of my daughter killing herself due to her marriage even more..her husband isn't a terrible person just a terrible husband for her and she needs to get away from him. i haven't read the rest of the posts( going backward:upsidedow ) but if you haven't seen a dr please do so...you deserve to be happy again..the longer you are depressed with out treatment the longer it takes for treatment to help.

[jann1033]

I suffered from depression long before I was diagnosed with cancer. It's not something that you take a pill and it goes away. It's a chronic disease that requires lifelong treatment. My Dh and I have been married 5 years and he's only just recently seen me in the middle of a real depressive phase. He isn't coping well with it :rolleyes:

Our generation is the first one that it's been ok to admit to feeling this way and seeking treatment for it. Trust me, you are far from alone :grouphug:

i just read something like 18 million have depression( not sure it that is clinical and affective. guessing it is).
the marriage thing is tough...i know it's hard for me to see my daughter act like she hates my guts no matter what i do or say even though i know it's not really her talking, would have to be even harder for the spouse...
i doubt any one dealing with chronic illness just sails right along with perfect automatic support from their spouse....one thing that helped my husband and i was i forced him to learn about my illnesses...ie printed stuff out and read it to him. then he knew it wasn't me faking it. finally after about 10 yrs when it evidently got apparent to him i wasn't ever going to get better:idea: , it hit home and now he is mostly supportive, as much as i can expect from someone who doesn't have the same problem as i do....
so maybe the drs. could sit down and have a talk with the spouse or have some info to pass along? maybe that would help remember it's the illness that's the problem, not their spouse

[luvsmickeymouse]

I have anxiety and depression and getting treated for it. I have made some very positive changes in my life but I do have a ways to go. I take Lexapro, BP medicine, and Adavan. Things are getting alot better. I broke up with the man that was the main cause of this, I have lost weight, and exercise now, I am actually taking care of me for once. I had a very bad anxiety attack back in May and it finally showed me that I deserved better. Its good to be among people that know what it is like to go through something like this. Some people just don't understand. I got made fun of at work. But I have so much to be thankful for. I feel right at home on this thread. Thanks!

I have been reading this thread again, and came across a post that I had written back in November. I had a setback during the holidays, but I am getting back on track. I am actually making progress. I strayed from my diet during the holidays. I am back on it though now. That guy keeps bothering me but I am standing my ground, I deserve much better. This sure is a struggle having depression and anxiety. My doctors have been great. I have been writing in my journal again, that helps ALOT. I feel so at home on the dis boards.

[Tiggergrams1]

I to suffer from Depression I try hard not to let many people know because sometimes I'm ashamed of it. I thought I had gotten it under control and then we moved to Florida and it seems to be rearing it's ugly head again. I've been so sick since we moved here and things have been very dificult. I just found out to that my heart is enlarged and now I'm going to have to deal with that. I moved here to Florida to be near Disney and for DH and I to have are time now that kids are all grown and now I'm afraid that's all ruined. We both work for the mouse to and I'm real worried what all this is going to do for me continueing to work. I'd come here and read a lot of your posts and thoguth about posting but was all a litle scared I try so hard to cover what I'm really feeling and was afraid that if peopel new what was going on inside me they wouldn't want to hang out with me. I hope your all doing ok this week and I'll keep you al in my prayers and thank you for letting me vent.

[Mackey Mouse]

Kathy.. so glad to hear you are doing better..

I strayed from my dieting holiday time and am paying it back now working out at the gym and trying, I did say trying to stay on WW....

Hugs to all who post here, hoping for a great New Year for us all.

I am concerned about the OP.. I have not seen her in a while...anyone talk with her lately?

[jann1033]

I to suffer from Depression I try hard not to let many people know because sometimes I'm ashamed of it. I thought I had gotten it under control and then we moved to Florida and it seems to be rearing it's ugly head again. I've been so sick since we moved here and things have been very dificult. I just found out to that my heart is enlarged and now I'm going to have to deal with that. I moved here to Florida to be near Disney and for DH and I to have are time now that kids are all grown and now I'm afraid that's all ruined. We both work for the mouse to and I'm real worried what all this is going to do for me continueing to work. I'd come here and read a lot of your posts and thoguth about posting but was all a litle scared I try so hard to cover what I'm really feeling and was afraid that if peopel new what was going on inside me they wouldn't want to hang out with me. I hope your all doing ok this week and I'll keep you al in my prayers and thank you for letting me vent.

you know when my daughter first got dxed with clinical depression i read a book that said how common the part i bolded is with depression...the fact that happens to so many really brings tears to my eyes and i can only speak for myself but i'm so sorry you have to suffer thru that...i never once was shocked by my daughter as in i didn't want to be with her, i was and still am crushed i can not magically make her see what a wonderful person she is and stop her from being so tormented . i am sure the same applies to you to, i wish i could just make you all well and help you see how wonderful the rest of us think you are..

[luvsmickeymouse]

I to suffer from Depression I try hard not to let many people know because sometimes I'm ashamed of it. I thought I had gotten it under control and then we moved to Florida and it seems to be rearing it's ugly head again. I've been so sick since we moved here and things have been very dificult. I just found out to that my heart is enlarged and now I'm going to have to deal with that. I moved here to Florida to be near Disney and for DH and I to have are time now that kids are all grown and now I'm afraid that's all ruined. We both work for the mouse to and I'm real worried what all this is going to do for me continueing to work. I'd come here and read a lot of your posts and thoguth about posting but was all a litle scared I try so hard to cover what I'm really feeling and was afraid that if peopel new what was going on inside me they wouldn't want to hang out with me. I hope your all doing ok this week and I'll keep you al in my prayers and thank you for letting me vent.

Boy do I know what you mean. I have been like this for years. I am determined this time to finish following through with the help I am receiving. I have great doctors. They talk with me about this being a real illness. I stopped seeing the man that was the main cause of this, the other reason for my depression is how my mother treats me. I am feeling good. I wonder if I will ever meet a great man that will accept me as I am. I won't settle again and I am not neglecting me anymore. Its been so hard. I can't believe the way that I allowed people to treat me. I like posting on here. I feel like people here understand. Prayers to everyone on here. Hugs to everyone also.

My brother sent me this in an email: "Pray for guidance and the right choices will be obvious."

[teacups]

I hate depression! Maybe thats some kind of signal, huh? I have been sick for about 5 years with a "MYSTERY" illness, which of course always gets back to depression and medication. I dont call them Happy Pills anymore, I call them Shut Up pills, as I think that's why my doctors keep pushing them on me... to shut me up. Thyroid (I dont have one, radiation killed it 20 years ago) Fibro, CFS, Depression... Im so frustrated! I still feel like crap almost every single day. I have some kind of fatigue problem. Im not just tired, or sleepy too much... I am so fatigued I feel like I'm dying, literally... and the docs just write me some pills and send me along my way. But, the pills never help long. I took myself off all antidepressants and it did help me mentally. They were screwing around with me badly, making me angry and almost violent... which got real scary real fast. I wish doctors would see the WHOLE picture. Of course Im depressed, I feel like crap and you tell me you dont know why! Which came first, the illness or the depression? Treat my actual problem and I promise you I wont be depressed. Ill throw a freaking party and dance on the table tops in a bikini!!!! (ok. forget the bikini thing...)
Sorry... venting.
I am not saying depression doesnt exist, I know it does and its real. Dont get me wrong. I am just so frustrated with this "whatever" that is wearing me down. I've become quite negative and argumentative and angry. You know how you put your keys someplace and then cant find them? Thats how I feel about "me"... where did I put that happy person I used to be? I used to feel SO GOOD. Thanks for reading this far if anyone did. I know Im having a total pity party.

[nancyL]

Oh Teacups, I know where you are- I want to be the happy person I used to be too. I am also angry at myself- like "WHERE ARE YOU COME BACK!!!!" I so know what you're feeling. I keep hoping for the future- maybe someday Ill find myself again. Till then, I put on my "face" for the world and come here to know Im not alone and I pray because I KNOW Im not alone and this must be happening for a reason. Oh, and I hate depression, but what I hate MORE is crying. I HATE the crying. Oh I would just whip it away to nothing if I could.
Oh your post hit me hard- Im so sorry.
((((((((((((teacups)))))))))))))
NancyL

[teacups]

NancyL- Thank you so much for the reply post. I sometimes feel like such a bummer, always bringing people down, the party pooper so to speak. My husband is one of those optimistic silly faced smilers :) thank goodness. I want in my heart to be "nice" but I truely get so tired that being nice seems to take more energy than I have. I think, oh that is such a cop-out! BUt really, it's true. Or at least I make it true. I read where you say you "put on your face" for the world... I need to get better about doing that, too. I suppose God is trying to teach me something and Im too thick-headed to just learn this lesson and move on. I just wish he'd spell it out for me. I dont take hints well! ;) BUt then again... be careful what you wish for, right?

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi everyone, I'm happy to see this thread going strong.

I started back to work on January 2nd after taking a year off. I'm having a really hard time getting back into the swing. I'm happy to be out of the house and back in the workforce and getting a paycheck, but at the same time I miss being home. It takes all my energy during the day to stay "up beat" and professional that by the time I get home I have nothing left.

The holiday's were blah, and honestly seem like eons ago. I look around me and I know I have so many things to be greatful and thankful for but I just can't seem to get "it" or see it through the clouds.

Teacups took the words right out of my mouth: "Im not just tired, or sleepy too much... I am so fatigued I feel like I'm dying, literally..."

It's winter and it's been cold and the days are long and I know once spring comes and I get used to my new schedule I'll feel better but right now I just want to crawl under a rock.

[Katdb]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts, and came close to posting my own several times, but every time I would back out. I have/am going through a bit of a depressive 'crisis' (according to the Dr.) and I am feeling really alone right now, so this board has definitely helped to remind me that I am not the only one going through this.

My mom has been really great and my friends/family is trying, but a lot of times people are simply putting it down to stress (I'm in 4th year Bio-medical sciences, I have applied to Med school etc.). Yes there is a lot of stress in my life, but I don't think it's causing the depression, but the depression causing the stress if that makes any sense? I definitely agree with teacups that the fatigue is a killer... I know that I could get a lot more accomplishd in less time (thereby reducing stress) if I wasn't so tired all the time.

Anyways, I'mk not quite sure why I'm positng,bu if there is anyone else outthere lurking, I hope that my post can help you like the other posts have helped me. I have been speaking to a counsellor at University, and he suggested a CBT book called "Mind over Mood", so I thought I'd suggest it here too, in case anyone is interested.

Thanks for "listening"
*Katdb

[luvdzny]

I have never posted on this forum but this thread caught my eye. In August I was diagnosed with major depression and started medication & seeing a therapist. I was doing GREAT until my DD (17) was diagnosed with a serious illness in December. We have been spending the past 1 1/2 months in and out of the hospital with her having various tests to find out how to treat her. Right now we are waiting for the results of a brain MRI/MRA to see if there is something on her brain. Anyway, I feel myself slipping down again, I am still seeing the therapist but it is getting harder to go through a day without crying. I am glad that there are others here that know what it is like to suffer from depression. This is a great support group. Thanks for listening.

[jann1033]

I have never posted on this forum but this thread caught my eye. In August I was diagnosed with major depression and started medication & seeing a therapist. I was doing GREAT until my DD (17) was diagnosed with a serious illness in December. We have been spending the past 1 1/2 months in and out of the hospital with her having various tests to find out how to treat her. Right now we are waiting for the results of a brain MRI/MRA to see if there is something on her brain. Anyway, I feel myself slipping down again, I am still seeing the therapist but it is getting harder to go through a day without crying. I am glad that there are others here that know what it is like to suffer from depression. This is a great support group. Thanks for listening.

you might have already done this but due to my daughter's marital problems she basically had affective and clinical depression going on at the same time last summer... her dr realized more was up than the clinical and changed her meds( to lithium) and it seemed to help. her divorce is almost final and she is away from her husband and doing better now, basically back to "just":sad2: clinical dp...just make sure your dr knows what all is going on in your life.. hope everything works out well for your daughter :hug:

[LeesyUD]

I am glad to see a post like this on the DIS boards. I am 26 now and didn't really catch on to my depression until I went away to college when I was 19. Looking back I realized I was battling with depression in my childhood just didn't know it. I increasingly became distracted in school and couldn't focus, I always felt like I did not fit in with other kids, and worst I would come home after school and cry and hide it all the time and would think of any excuse not to go to school. I think going away to college was a huge change and the pressure just made my depression worse. I would cry for no reason at all and started missing too many classes bc of it. Most college kids gain the freshamn 15 or more. I lost alot of weight due to my depression, and it took a toll on my body. I tried a couple different meds and have found that Welbutrin works the best for me. I still struggle to remember to stay on my meds. I know that if I don't I am digging a hole for myself. I checked myself into the hospital for the first time for my depression a little over a year ago. I stayed in for a week to get on my meds and 3 wks of daily outpatient therapy. I was on short term disability for work but bc I had gotten so low I was not ready to return even after 3 months. It took me about 5 months to feel almost normal again. I have a new job that I like but is still stressful sometimes. I have been doing really well but I recently have been off my meds and have found myself becoming irritable and more emotionally sensitive. I am going to have to work on that these upcoming weeks. I am lucky though bc I have a really understanding fiance who is very supportive and stood by me at my lowest point.

[newholidayx2]

I was put on a low dose of sertraline back in Oct 06
btwn that and the gym I joined that same month Im doing good

[jann1033]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts, and came close to posting my own several times, but every time I would back out. I have/am going through a bit of a depressive 'crisis' (according to the Dr.) and I am feeling really alone right now, so this board has definitely helped to remind me that I am not the only one going through this.

My mom has been really great and my friends/family is trying, but a lot of times people are simply putting it down to stress (I'm in 4th year Bio-medical sciences, I have applied to Med school etc.). Yes there is a lot of stress in my life, but I don't think it's causing the depression, but the depression causing the stress if that makes any sense? I definitely agree with teacups that the fatigue is a killer... I know that I could get a lot more accomplishd in less time (thereby reducing stress) if I wasn't so tired all the time.

Anyways, I'mk not quite sure why I'm positng,bu if there is anyone else outthere lurking, I hope that my post can help you like the other posts have helped me. I have been speaking to a counsellor at University, and he suggested a CBT book called "Mind over Mood", so I thought I'd suggest it here too, in case anyone is interested.

Thanks for "listening"
*Katdb

not directed at poster but she mentions stress..last night i had diabetes education class and one thing that makes blood sugar go nuts is stress. the instructor mentioned a seminar about attaining peace she had attended and a couple interesting points were, 1) try to handle stress before it gets the upper hand by breaking a stressing cycle 2) you can sometimes break it by 1 of 2 easy things, take a deep breath, hold it , release. do this a number of times( not till you pass out though as that would be more stressful;) ) or try to scrunch you face up as small as possible and hold it there for a few seconds...that was hard to do for me but the point is if early on you can do something to break the cycle of your mind escalating the stress to the point it becomes overwhelming it might help. obviously this would work best with something like some goof cutting you off in traffic, dealing with a crabby person etc, but every little bit helps.

[gabbysmom04]

[QUOTE=tacomaranch.

I am still sad about my son, I am still very angry at God, I hate when people say it will be ok. It will never be ok! Urg. I question why I have yet to come to terms to the fact that my Dear son is not ever going to be ok. Given all that, I think I should cry, I should be sad and I should be throw it all at the mountain and see what it can throw back.

Blessing and thank you for reading this long post, April[/QUOTE]

I thought that you might like to read this...

Welcome to Holland


Author: Emily Perl Kingsley


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

This is not to try and make it better. I found this soon after my DS was born and it helped me a little.

[gabbysmom04]

I am so glad that I found this thread. I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life. I got worse when I was pregnant with DD. When I was 15 weeks pregnant they thought that I had inflammatorry breast cancer. I spent two months thinking I had less then 18 months to live.Turns out after a blotched breast biospy that I did not. Right after that I started to have painful contractions (everyday all day) that lasted until I gave birth to DD 5 weeks early. I spent two weeks in the hospital about a month before I had DD for preterm labor. When my DD was 8 months old I found out I was pregnant again. This time I started contracting at 11 weeks! I had to get shots in my butt everyweek and went into labor on a flight home from WDW three months early. Six weeks before DS was born the DRs decided to do an amnio to check his lungs and induce me because of the stress and depression I was under due to the unrelenting pain I was in everyday. (the plan was to relieve my stress by having me give birth) Well my DS was born much to my shock with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Two days later they took him to the nursery for a checkup and came back and told us that he had a heart murmur and that they thought he had something wrong with his stomach. they went on to tell us that he had midline defects and they were not sure if he had a brain, and that he would most likely die. After they took him to the NICU I fell to my knees screaming for god to not let this be happening. Dominic had a perforated bowel that had given him an ecoli infection, he had surgery later that day to repair his bowels. We also found out through all the tests that he has a hole in his heart and pulmonary valve stenosis. He also had a bleed in his brain. (and it was there and working fine) He spent two weeks in the NICU the first week was in an induced coma on a vent. We baptised him the first day in the NICU. We were told later that he was hours from death. Dominic has has three more surgeries to repair his cleft. Had severe reflux, a neck condition, and had to endure wearing a helmet for moths. He is now 15 months old and the size of a 7-8 month old. And he is doing good. But I am still on that hospital floor. I have yet to pick myself up, I don't think I can. People expect that since he is doing okay now that I should be fine. But I had to face nightmares no mother should ever have to face. i wondered what I would do with his christmas presents I already bought him. What would he wear in his coffin? And now I am just supposed to be okay, I don't know how to be okay. I have been told that I am suffereing from post traumatic stress syndrome. And am going to start working with someone for it. I am sorry that this is so long! I just have no one to share this with.

[luvdzny]

Thanks for posting "Welcome to Holland" it was just what I needed this weekend. Yesterday I was really feeling down because of DD's illness. All of her friends are busy planning for graduation and college and we are not sure that she will get through senior year. She has been out of school since the beginning of November and we don't know when or even if she will be able to go back. This story puts things in a different perspective. Good luck to all of you that are going through tough times right now, I hope there are better days ahead soon.

[gabbysmom04]

Here is another one that I like this is written by LORI BORGMAN


My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the pages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes.

Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said.

Mothers lie.

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin. Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.

Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two). Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class. Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want.

Some mothers get babies with something more.

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close. Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime?

I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echocardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body. Every body will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it.


Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day. How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists yammering in your ear.

I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike. I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this, you didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God. Choose me! I've got what it takes."

You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you. From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule. You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require, intense and aggressive the next.

You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law. You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.

[A Mickeyfan]

I am glad to see this thread :goodvibes I do not suffer from depression. I have never posted about my son being BP before last night & did it over on the Community Board stemming from a post I had about an ESE Prek class. Then I felt a bit sorry I did it, but on the other hand, parents of young children with a mental illness need to hear what happens when their baby's become teens & young adults. All your good parenting can go out the window when you have a child that will self medicate & the law will not listen to that one ;) . There are times that, while I do not per-say suffer from depression, I do have bouts of it when I am at my wits end on what to do when he is sprialing and reading this can help me. My husband was on Prozak, now on Paxil. Years ago, after my hysterectomy, the doc did put me on Xanax for panic attacks then change me to ativant. I have not taken them since at least 2000.
Again, I am glad to see this out in the open where others can support one another and not feel as if they are being looked down on! Now we need to start a thread or Board for parent of children with a mental illness ...:hug: :grouphug: :flower3:

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi everyone! The past 18 months for me and my family have been pretty rough. As I've probably posted before - I lost my job of 18 years, my grandfather passed away, and my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

During this time I was finding myself becoming more and more depressed. Last week my mother found out she has stage 1 cancer of the kidney and it needs to come out.

I met with my dr. today, just a check in, and it didn't go very well. Typically I avoid the scale when I go, but today I said what the heck....things can't get any worse - boy was I wrong. I'm so disgusted with myself right now that all I can do is laugh. If I don't laugh I'm afraid I'll start crying and never stop. My anti depressants aren't working as they initially did and he wants me to go see a psychiatrist for a more thorough diagnosis.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there has issues with their weight and what you did to get motivated? I know its a vicious cycle....the more weight I gain the more depressed I get the less I want to do, etc. etc.

Some days the thought of leaving the house freaks me out, so when the dr. mentioned today that I need to get out and start walking around the neighborhood, etc. I almost had a pannic attack just thinking about it. This doesn't happen all the time and most days I function fine it's just the days when I can't get out of my own way that hold me back.

Fortunately my father is doing well and my mother will be fine. It will be a difficult surgery but she will be fine. My job search continues, which is a whole other ordeal, but I think right now I need to get my weight and my emotions under controll.

I hope everyone else is doing okay and hanging in! :hug:

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs to you PJB........I struggle with my weight too... what I do, when I am doing it, is try to keep to 1200 calories a day....and I try to do at least 45 minutes of cardio at least 5 times a week.. Now I am not taking any anti-depressants and I am concerned that they sometimes pack on the weight....but I could be wrong.

Anyway... I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I cannot believe your Mom has to go through kidney cancer and a nephrectomy.....your Dad is doing ok? Please know that we are here for and one day at a time.. you have a lot on your plate, do not beat yourself up.... HUgs

[LeesyUD]

Hi everyone! The past 18 months for me and my family have been pretty rough. As I've probably posted before - I lost my job of 18 years, my grandfather passed away, and my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

During this time I was finding myself becoming more and more depressed. Last week my mother found out she has stage 1 cancer of the kidney and it needs to come out.

I met with my dr. today, just a check in, and it didn't go very well. Typically I avoid the scale when I go, but today I said what the heck....things can't get any worse - boy was I wrong. I'm so disgusted with myself right now that all I can do is laugh. If I don't laugh I'm afraid I'll start crying and never stop. My anti depressants aren't working as they initially did and he wants me to go see a psychiatrist for a more thorough diagnosis.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there has issues with their weight and what you did to get motivated? I know its a vicious cycle....the more weight I gain the more depressed I get the less I want to do, etc. etc.

Some days the thought of leaving the house freaks me out, so when the dr. mentioned today that I need to get out and start walking around the neighborhood, etc. I almost had a pannic attack just thinking about it. This doesn't happen all the time and most days I function fine it's just the days when I can't get out of my own way that hold me back.

Fortunately my father is doing well and my mother will be fine. It will be a difficult surgery but she will be fine. My job search continues, which is a whole other ordeal, but I think right now I need to get my weight and my emotions under controll.

I hope everyone else is doing okay and hanging in! :hug:

I strugly with my weight also....in a bad way. My weight is at the point now where I am unhealthy and am losing more and more energy. I was planning on joining the gym with my fiance but he just lost his job from the company going under. My weight really affects my energy level, my motivation to want to go out and do things bc I worry I will run into someone who knew me when I was "thinner" bc I am so ashamed. I have stopped going out with my friends bc of it and it is taking a toll on my relationship with my fiance bc I am extra insecure now. He is a big guy, so he understands but he is also a foot taller and it is easier for him to carry his weight. We both decided we are going to start going for walks until we have the money to join the gym. I am going to get a personal trainer and see a nutrionist. If after 6 months or so of working really hard with those things, I do not see much progress I may look into surgery. It is an extreme that I never thought I would get to, but at this point I am such a high risk bc of my weight that I know I would qualify for it. I have talked to my family and fiance and they totally support this if it was it comes down too. I wouldn't normally post this bc it is hard but in the last five years I have gained over 100 lbs. And now it is harder than ever to loose any weight. I didn't think it was ever possible for me to gain that much weight but it has happen and I am going to work as hard as I can to get healthy.

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi gals, thanks for your replies :grouphug:

Marsha - yes, most anti depressants do have a tendancy to make people gain weight, unfortunately. So while I struggle with myself emotionally, I'm now struggling with myself physically and the combination isn't good. I am praying that going to see this psychiatrist will help and give me a kick start in the right direction. Ultimately it is up to me, but I'm hoping he will be able to help.

LeesyUD - thank you so much for sharing that with us! Weight can be totally debilitating, not only to our health but also to our self image and to our normal day to day life! It sounds like you have a great support system which is part of the battle.

Hang in and keep us posted! Even if you just need to "aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh" we're here!

[Mackey Mouse]

HUgs to you PJB.. tell your Dad I am thinking of him too....I cannot help myself but think of him knowing what he has been through and what your family has gone through too..

Please take care of yourself and hopefully this new doctor can help you.

[MaMudduck]

Hi, I've only just read through the first 3 pages and I'm so glad this thread was started. I, too suffer from SAD. It really came to the surface 4 years ago, and it was really because my family doctor continued to ask alot of probing questions. I knew I wasn't functioning normally but I thought it was ADD (which as doc told me "depression, ADD, and SAD usually start with the same course of treatment).

I didn't think it was depression because I didn't cry, I was suicidal, I wasn't self medicating, I wasn't emotional out of control, or anxious: these are all the things I had seen in my friends that were dealing with depression. I was just numb, wanting to sleep all the time be not being able to sleep, losing weight (the only good part) not eating, not doing anything.

The first winter on meds started to help...doc suggested I always have a vacation in the planning state (the planning helps you focus on the future) and for me to take vacation to warm sunny places in the winter months, which here in Canada feel like forever!

I guess what bring me over here today is I've just returned from 2 weeks in Mexico ( back to the cold & the snow:sad1: ) This fall I really haven't been taking the meds (Prozac) and have just started taking it again since I've be home but still feeling like I'm in the "black hole" again. I know it takes awhile to kick in again but I kind of feeling like my DH & DD (12) are pushing me to do more then I can handle right now. I don't think they realize I'm in that "funk" again.

Man, I really hate to burden then with this and I do try to do as much as I can to function normal. When it felt this bad before I was working and now that i am it, it feels like that’s all I can handle right now ( my part time job).
Any suggestion on how to get my family to understand this phase?

Thanks for listen to this long post. It feels better now that I put some word to these feeling.
Wendy