View Full Version : OT-How do you get through the pain of losing a loved one?
08-06-2006, 09:33 PM
My grandmother passed away just about a week ago. Our entire family went to the funeral this past weekend. I really thought I would be much better today now that everything is over, but I just feel so lost without her and cry at the littlest things. Is this normal? I was extremely close to my grandmother. She was going to be 90 on Sept. 4th. My parents were planning a big 90th birthday party for her then with all our out of town relatives, so her passing has been difficult for all of us. I am glad she is not suffering anymore(she had congestive heart failure and just didn't breathe very well), but I just can't stop thinking about her. How do I get through this and has anyone else had this experience? Please tell me I am not crazy!!!
08-06-2006, 09:45 PM
I am sorry for your loss and Your not crazy.
My Uncle passed away in 2002 and I can still tear up for no reason. The change of season...the smell of coffee on the weekend....a knock at the door in the evening. All things that remind me of him. He was a huge part of our everyday life and he died suddenly.
Everyday that passes will help. But for me he is still in my thoughts often. My DM made a cross stitch that states something to the effect of When a loved one becomes a memory the memory becomes a treasure.
Remember the good stuff and be thankful that you had someone like her. Allow yourself to grieve and remember.
Heartfelt thoughts going out to you and your family.
08-06-2006, 09:55 PM
When my dad died it hit me pretty hard. I was the only one there when it happened and I still feel guilty for not checking on him before I went to bed. It's been twelve years, but certain things can still get me crying... it's very rare, but there are songs, smells, and topics that get me thinking about his death even now. I think it's all about one day at a time. Cry all you need, if you bottle it up it'll take longer to get over it.
I cut most of my hair off shortly after my father died, and it was a real release for me, like I was accepting that part of my life was over. Sometimes it takes a big step, a big change to get you over times like those.... but don't expect the feelings to just vanish, for tears to just dry up over night... it doesn't and shouldn't happen like that.
08-06-2006, 10:11 PM
I know how you feel. My grandmother passed away last night. I wasn't extremely close to her but it saddens me to see the pain my mom is going through. It really is a day by day thing, I think. Good luck to you and I hope your pain lessens each day and you'll be able to look back at all of your memories and smile at all of the great times. You were very lucky to have a friendship with your grandmother. :grouphug:
08-06-2006, 10:12 PM
The greatest comfort to me when my Dad passed away was that he was out of the pain from the cancer. I was terribly sad and I missed him. But I knew He was with my Mother and out of that awful pain. And that made it hurt a little less. I also tried to remember him before he was sick when I was little and he loved to laugh and go camping and fishing!! The more I could rememeber him like that, the less it hurt. Oh I will always miss him I loved him so much. Each day brings a little more healing.
I would talk to your Parents about still having the party to celabrate your Grandmothers life and to share everyones memories of her. It would a fine tribute to her!! and a healing time for everyone else. :grouphug:
Pixie Dust for your family!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
08-06-2006, 10:22 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, and yes, it is completely normal on your reaction. My grandmother passed away a little over 7 years ago, and I still tear up for no reason. I was extremly close to grandma and I lost her a few days after I found out i was pregnant with my first child (which she was SO
extremly happy that she was going to be a great grandmother!). It gets easier with time.
08-06-2006, 10:24 PM
So sorry for your loss. From experience, you may never "get over it". The pain may lessen it time, but especially if you were close to her, it may take quite a long time. It's ok to hurt and cry, to be angry even, you will probably go through every emotion in the book. And it's perfectly normal. Try hard to remember the good times. In time, even though you may still be sad, you will look back to remember the good times (and even the bad) and be able to laugh. DH's uncle (who was like a father to him) passed away suddenly in early 2005. We miss him very much and talk about him often. Even though it makes us sad to think of him, we can think of the stupid or funny things that happened and laugh. Let the thought of her bring comfort to your heart and PLEASE don't hold any of the emotions in.
08-06-2006, 10:35 PM
I am deeply sorry for your loss and understand how you are feeling now. I too was very close to my grandmother and grandfather. I lived with them throughout my whole childhood. They both passed away within 9 months of each other. My grandfather had congestive heart failure as well and had a terrible time breathing. Even though I knew he was better off after he passed it did not make the pain easier. My grandmother passed away suddenly 9 months later from a major cerebral hemorrhage. She was a very active and healthy 77 yr old. I cried everyday for a long time, the more time passed the more I missed her. A few years have gone by and I still miss them both very much, but I am finding now that when I think of them or talk of them with other family I feel happy with the many wonderful memories I have. You are not crazy and just know that it is going to take you some time to get through your grief and that it is okay and normal. You will have good days and bad days and as time goes on it will get a little easier. Cry when you have to because holding it in will only prolong your grief. You may want to stop at your local library and look at some books that deal with the grieving process, that way you will know what is normal grieving and what may require some outside help from your physician or a counselor. My condolences again to you and your family :grouphug:
08-06-2006, 10:38 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my grandmother 4 years ago and my grandfather 5 yrs before her. We were very close (they raised me since I was 3 yrs old). They were the best. I am a christian---the Lord Jesus gave me strength to get through the painful losses. It was very difficult at first, all I can say is time will help. Now I can think and talk about them without tearing up (most times). They were wonderful people.
It will be difficult for you right now, but it will get better as time goes on. Cherish your memories you had with your grandmother right now they may bring sadness, but one day they will bring you great joy.
08-06-2006, 10:40 PM
Hon, it's more than normal...that or I'm as un-normal as they come. My beloved grandmother passed away Oct. 1st, 2001. I still miss her and cry when silly little things come up that reminds me of her. She was in her late 80's and I'm in my 40's but when it comes to my Nana, I'm still a little girl.
I find that things I cherished doing with her(stringing popcorn for the trees, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, canning, garage sales, and spending hours shopping for the perfect flower garden plants), I can't do anymore because of the tears. If something momumental in my life happens, I still pick up the phone to call her.
I will share that in time, the blow of your loss will soften, but the tears and/or grief will still be there...at least it is for me.
Something I did, to help keep her legacy alive, I took over her commitment of keeping our family together. There is well over 100 of us...her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. I see that everyone gets together for Christmas and each person recieves a gift from Nana. Just as she did when she was alive. Just some small trinket that reminds them of Nana...something she would buy for them if she was alive.
This small gesture has now started new tradition within our family. My cousins now make sure there is an Easter, a Thanksgiving, and a fall family picnic. We share stories and bring albums of our grandparents, aunts, uncles and when we were younger. This past christmas, several of us got together and made a cd of various pictures in a time line with grandpa's music as the background(he was known for his musical talent) and grandma and grandpa talking about how great their life was being blessed with our family(this was found after their deaths when we were clearing out the house. There wasn't a dry eye at the party, but they were tears of love and life not of sadness from missing them.
My Nana was a strong, loved, cherished, and respected woman who gave us life, laughter, love and most of all, a sense family.
You lost someone you loved unconditionally and who gave that back in return. You're normal...you knew her your entire life...and a life time of memories/love can't be grieved and stopped in a matter of days.
Your Normal, I'm normal and so is everyone who has lost someone they love and can't stop the tears at the end of a funeral.
IMO...Nanas are the greatest!!!
08-06-2006, 10:50 PM
You never get over the loss of a loved one, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I wouldn't want to get over losing either of my parents -- I've just learned to live in a different way without either of them with me.
I've compared losing a loved one to stubbing one's toe. The pain lasts for a very long time, and yet we must walk -- it hurts a lot when we do so, but eventually we get used to walking with the pain.
It's a weird metaphor -- but it seems to have worked when trying to explain the pain of death to others.
08-06-2006, 11:15 PM
I hope it's completely normal because my grandfather passed away 7/02, one week after my son's birth, and your post is making me cry. He was also just about to turn 90 but it was very unexpected because he was pretty healthy for his age. It helps me to know that he was ready to go - he'd told me that more than once - but I still miss him like crazy. My DD was 2 at the time & still brings him up sometimes. It does get better but it was really hard at first. Now I go days, months & then something will just hit me out of the blue that reminds me of him. Everyone says he was a true Southern gentleman & I hope to be half as fondly remembered as him.
Big hug to you during this difficult time and I'm sorry for your loss.
08-07-2006, 12:02 AM
My Grammie died May 19th after a long battle with Alzheimers. Today my husband and I helped my Mom move the last of her furniture and we brought home her relatively new mattress for my DD4-It will be her first "Big Girl" bed and my Gram would have loved to see her face when she said that. My Gram lived with my Mom up until January and together they took care of my DD. The greatest gift was them being able to be together. Even though my Gram was slowly winding down my DD kept her mind busy and really treated her as a playmate. She is greatly missed.
It is never easy to lose someone and your not crazy or wrong to feel the way you do. I've lost more than just my Gram and even though you always, always miss them the pain does lessen with time. There will come and day when you can remember your Gram with a smile and a giggle at a happy memory. The hardest part are the days it takes to get to that point. Until then, be kind to yourself. Cry when you need to, take a nap, eat some chocolate, have an extra glass of wine at dinner, and take things easy. It will get better. Hang in there. :grouphug:
08-07-2006, 12:04 AM
I agree - I don't think you can ever get over the loss of a loved one. :grouphug: I am sorry for your loss - and everyone else's, too.
My grandmother died in June 2003. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer and it spread everywhere, including to her bone. :( I still tear up or cry ever so often out of the blue because I miss her. I cope by talking to her, praying, having a memory garden in her name, and having orange things around me. Orange was her favorite color and everytime I see orange I think of her.
I try to watch old movies of her, but it's difficult for me.
Anyway, what you're feeling is completely normal. I am still not over her passing. Hugs to you and take care....
08-07-2006, 12:20 AM
:grouphug: As you probably know by now, it's perfectly normal to feel this way. You loved your Grandma and you wouldn't even want to be "over it" so soon. It takes time to process all the feelings and memories, and yes, little things will set you off. You aren't going crazy. We store different memories in different parts of our brain, so the memories come out at different times. I say it's a good thing.We couldn't stand the pain of grief if it came back all at once.
Be kind to yourself over the next two weeks. Don't make major decisions. Eat well(order take-out a few times). Take a walk by yourself, if you don't want the kids to see you cry. You may have some trouble sleeping or eating. Totally normal. It will eventually let up and you will be able to go on. :grouphug:
08-07-2006, 12:56 AM
I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my Nana a year and a half ago and sometimes I'll still get weepy thinking of her!
Hugs to you.
08-07-2006, 01:41 AM
As soon as I saw this I knew I had to post on here. My grandma passed away July 31. I have done nothing but cry this past week. Her funeral was on Friday. She was not only my grandma but also my friend. I would call her all the time and we would talk for hours. As soon as we came home from our first trip to WDW - I called her and told her everything. She was the only one that I knew would relate - as her and my grandpa were there many times. Although I am going to miss her like crazy I know that she is at peace with my grandpa (he passed away Sept. of last year) and she is not suffering anymore. I completely understand your pain and grief.
08-07-2006, 04:17 AM
Thanks for all the kind words on my post. As you can see, it is 4:15 am, and I am having trouble sleeping again tonight. As a matter of fact, I woke up about 3:30 am, which is the time of my grandmothers passing 1 week ago today. I don't think I will ever get over her being gone, but hopfully I can start living a somewhat normal life sometime soon. I do have a part time job at a retail store, and will be going in for a little bit tonight(Monday). I also will be substitute teaching this year since both my kids will be in full time. I want to say thanks to everyone else that has lost a loved one recently or years ago for all their support and ideas. It is nice to have this board to vent and to share feelings. All of us DIS'ers should stick together! I will be thinking of all of you as we all try to cope with a loss of someone who meant the world to us!!
08-07-2006, 05:40 AM
The pain does lessen with time, but there is no time table for the grieving process. Everyone is different. I lost Granddaddy in '84; Granny in '96. Do I still miss them? Of course. Do I still cry at times? Absolutely. On July 26 I lost my great aunt, so right now, I'm on that "raw emotions" roller coaster, too. May each day be a little easier for you. Take care of yourself.
08-07-2006, 07:52 AM
I definitely can relate. My grandma passed away August 3 and it's been a hard week. My mom and I went through old pictures for the funeral. That did help and brought a few smiles. I was close to her as we've lived in the same city all my life. I lived with her during college. My mom is an only child and was very close to her. My 14 year old is having a difficult time as this is his first lost of a close family member. It does help me to have the pictures and to know she's not suffering anymore (she had cancer).
08-07-2006, 08:39 AM
Grieve! Like others have said, don't hold it in! Cry when you need to cry!
I just learned about this the hard way. We lost my 22 year old cousin who was more like my sister due to some family issues, she had cancer, yes 22!
I tried to be the "strong one". Well, a year later, I was completely torn up! I ended up going to counseling. She asked me, have you been to her grave since her death? I said no. She asked why, and I said because I would cry. Duh! I needed to cry. So, I went to grave, cried like a baby, "talked to her", etc. I did a few things to commemerate her, etc, and I am feeling tons better.
And, by the way! My son is having issues grieving, and guess what his counselor asked me - have you ever cried with him, or in front of him? I answered no, he said, well, then he feels like he has to hold it in as well, and is causing him emotional distress - turning into to anger etc.
I tried to act like everything was OK, and it bit me in the behind. So, take it from one who knows, GRIEVE now, go thru the processes. Please!
Lastly, I am very sorry for your loss! Here is a hug and pixie dust for you..... :grouphug: pixiedust:
08-07-2006, 09:30 AM
I am sorry for your loss....I lost my grandma on January 9th of this year. It was very unexpected and I was very close to her. Sometimes I still think "Oh, I should call Gramee...." and when I do that it really hits me. I also lost my 21 year old cousin (very unexpected) to a cyst in the stomach on May 28th. It's been a rough year for us and sometimes the smallest thing makes me cry, especially when my 4 year old asks when she will see her Gramee again.
08-07-2006, 10:29 AM
I'm so sorry...:hug: :grouphug:
I grew up with my mother and my grandparents. My grandfather was the only "dad" I ever had. He died on Christmas Eve 1998. To this day, I hate Christmas. There is simply no joy in it for me. I also get upset around his birthday in March, Father's Day, etc.
Last week I delivered some of his ashes to one of my uncles in Chicago. My grandparents moved from Illinois to Connecticut in 1973 and Grandpa had never gone back. I cried over the fact that I took Grandpa "home" - it really felt like the most important thing I'd ever done.
08-07-2006, 11:09 AM
I am so sorry for your loss :grouphug: My prayers, and sympathies are with you, and your family. I know the pain oh to well. I lost my grandfather 3 years ago. He was the only real man in my life. Before my husband. When he died a piece of me died with him. Then, I lost my sister, 2 years ago, and my brother, just this past year. Whew,. It is so very difficult. Sometimes, i still cry, because, I miss them. But, there is a light. I know they all were are at peace with God, and if I live my life right. My beliefs are that I will one day see them again. But, anyway, there is a time to mourn. What you are going through is very normal. With time. Things will get better. Take care, and God bless. :grouphug:
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