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calie_j
04-16-2006, 11:21 PM
We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie

roliepolieoliefan
04-16-2006, 11:35 PM
An 80th birthday is a big deal. I think you should just pitch in.

I realize the other siblings have better jobs and stuff, but its all about mom this time and she wants a party.

AllyBri
04-16-2006, 11:40 PM
I say pitch in. You'll never regret it.

hellow
04-16-2006, 11:41 PM
Sounds pretty off-base to me for them to plan something without talking to you and then hand you a bill. My husband and I have planned different family things, and always assumed if we wanted to do it, we should pay for it. If siblings want to pitch in, great, but we wouldn't force it on them. If they are EXPECTING you to pay, they should have consulted with you first.

TexasCourt
04-16-2006, 11:41 PM
I think you should pitch in. It would have been nice if they would have consulted you in the planning process, however.

JuneChickie
04-17-2006, 12:37 AM
I understand exactly how you feel. We have had this exact same thing pulled on us
many, many times in the past. Of course we pitch in whatever the hosts
tells us is our share. ,,,, but it just doesn't feel right when that happens.
I say give it up on this one with no regrets . There probably isn't a better gift
out there in the whole world that you can give her ,,,,,,, At 80 years old
she doesn't want or need anymore stuff ,,, Thats probably why,,,,, when asked
she said she wanted a party .
So,,,, pitch in and know that you are giving her just what *she wanted
for *her birthday .......... :wizard:

KarenAylwood
04-17-2006, 12:41 AM
I can totally understand where you are coming from with being upset about this- I'd be reacting the same way!

However, after thinking about it and reading the other posts- yeah, you should pitch in since it is her 80th bday, but I think you are warranted in thinking it's out of line to ask for the money without consulting you.


And totally OT- JuneChickie~ I LOVE your avatar!! :thumbsup2

azgal81
04-17-2006, 01:28 AM
I think that you should pitch in. Also, maybe there is something you can do to help plan the party. That way you would be like you are kinda contributing to the party not just financially. Also, if you are helping plan maybe you will see extra being paid for something that you know can be found cheaper that could help lower the cost for everyone involved.

We are planning my grandparents 80th party this year. All the kids as well as the grandkids all have tasks to help plan.

I see no reason why you can't help plan it as well instead of just being handed the bill. That doesn't seem fair.

Tigger&Tink
04-17-2006, 01:38 AM
(just my to pennies worth here),,,,Even though I do not think it was right for them just to TELL you what you are going to pay, and you have NO input at all..on the other side of the story,I am willing to bet there are hundreds of people that would be glad to be able to give $200.00 to have the moms still here at 80 to give a party to.,,
You will feel good about this in the long run,knowing it is what your mom wanted,,,,Have a great time!!!!


Tink

Angiepea
04-17-2006, 03:12 AM
Totally understand were you are comming from.....my other halfs mother is 60 in 2 years time and she has 4 sons, so me and dh suggested that every month for the next 2 years we put 10 in a kitty, then she can decided what to do with it (she doesnt have a lot of money), but yo and behold her taker over daughter in law as highjacked the thing. So I have sat back and left them to it, if she wants the hassle let her get on with it. Although I have to say if she starts about how shes done all the leg work I will not hold my tongue this time.

In your case I would pitch in on the understanding that you know whats going on, and that you would also like some input.....the worst thing about these family events are that not everyone is let in on all the details and that can be more than annoying.

Angie

Cheshire Figment
04-17-2006, 06:11 AM
The party for my mother's 90th birthday in 2004 came to about $6,000. It was a luncheon at a major hotel with about 130 people coming. My sister, who lives near my mother did most of the planning and work but we talked on the phone about what was going on and I did have input. My wife and I were not especially pleased to have to spend over $3,000 plus our air fare and hotel, but how often does one's mother have a 90th birthday?

I would say pay the $200 happily, but mention to SIL that unless you and DH have more input you cannot go over that amount no matter what.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 06:20 AM
I think you're getting off cheap....you're lucky there are so many people who can chip in. We're throwing my in-laws a 50th wedding anniversary party in October which we'll foot the bill for 100%....to the tune of 5-6K. It's like a mini-wedding pretty much. We know not to even bother asking DH's brother and his wife because they'll say that they don't have it.

java
04-17-2006, 06:21 AM
I don't think $200 is a big amount for a party(you are lucky there are 9 people to split it) I understand your frustration with the planning of the party and not being included...but did you offer to do any of the work? For example did you offer to check out places for a party? Did you work on the guest list? Are you helping with the invitations? Are you working on the menu? My point is that there is whole lot of work in planning a big party. And if $200 keeps you from doing it that is a bargain in my book.
If you really can't afford it that is a different story But a house improvement vs. MIL 80th birthday I say birthday wins. Oh and I would not be the one to be complaining if it is MIL- you can't win in that situation. You will be the "bad" DIL/SIL for the rest of your life. If DH really feels the way you do then let him do the talking.
Also $1800 sounds really low for a party of the size you are talking about. Are you sure they are not asking you for less money that everyone else already?

jeancbpugh
04-17-2006, 06:27 AM
We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us
Calie

H's sister is obnoxious, BUT at least she has done all the work. :goodvibes

Go and enjoy the party.

If you really can't afford the $200, give H's sister what you can and tell her sorry. Maybe you can pitch in another way; bring your camera and be the event photographer, for example.

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 06:33 AM
We had a 60th anniversary party for Dh's grandparents in January. We knew we could not foot the bill alone so his cousin and I sent little letters out to all the family members and told them what the estimated cost was gonna be and to please pitch in any amount that they could afford. All of the children of his grandparents of course pitched in the highest amounts since it was their mother and father, but the older grandchildren all pitched in a pretty good amount. We alone pitched in 150.00 and I am the one who did all the planning, organizing,and decorating I even made them a wedding cake because they never had one (It took me 12 hours to decorate)...So no I don't think 200.00 is a lot of money especially if it gets you out of having to do anything to prepare for the party.

mickeyfan2
04-17-2006, 07:13 AM
It is her 80th birthday and she may not have too many more. I would pay the $200.

idofabric
04-17-2006, 08:15 AM
I would not want to pay the $200, but that is cheap...
When I have thrown a party for someone in the past, family or not, I have allways assumed that if I planned it , I would pay for it...
Your SIL is either tacky, cheap, or has no idea of good manners. She should have consulted you, but it sounds like the call to your DH was the consult/information/demand for money.

Because you love your H, and it is a special birthday, and maybe not a lot of them left, I think you should pay it.
Do let your SIL know that it was a nice idea for them all to plan a party, but also let them know that in the future you are either involved in the planning or you WON'T pay. And it would be best to be nice about it, but firm!

You do have to live with these people as realtives....

tatooed goofy
04-17-2006, 08:51 AM
I say pitch in. She should have checked with you before but, this is one of those things that if you don't pitch in and heaven forbid something happen to grandma, you will regret it. GO FOR IT! Just be grateful you don't have to do the leg work for it. :cool1:

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 09:15 AM
While a big deal--they should ask if you would like to contribute and not expect it.

It is tacky regardless of the celebration. They should contact you before the planning so that should you be able to contribute in any way--it is all on the table and everyone has equal say in developing the budget.

They don't like it, tough cookies.

My SIL did this one year--they wanted to get dad a b-day gift and EVERYONE decided to go in on it together. Well not everyone, no one asked us, we didn't shop for it--we didn't pick it out. She was nice about it--and it was whatever we could contribute--but she knows what her brother does for a living and it always makes me feel like CRAP b/c we budget for gifts for the year and then they spring for a big ticket purchase.

We did contribute something--but I just think it is wrong to expect that others are able to do something if "telepathy" is not a trait passed along in your family.

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 09:20 AM
All those who say $200 isn't much. Unless you have access to her personal financial records--you have no idea if that is much or not.

I disagree with paying that much if it isn't affordable. Contribute what you can and if that is nothing--that is fine. (Though a few dollars would be better than $0--people tend to talk even though they have no place to do so).

familyoffive
04-17-2006, 09:26 AM
Give what you can afford and don't make excuses about it! Group gifts are a pain because not everyone has the same disposable income. If others have more, let them contribute the difference. No party is worth all of the stress and possible hardship to anyone.

Pigeon
04-17-2006, 09:28 AM
I have been on the receiving end of this kind of crap before and it infuriates me. In this case, I would probably contribute the $200 if there were any way I could. But I would also make it crystal clear to the rest of the family (actually have H make it clear, as it is his sister) that you do not appreciate this kind of thing and will not participate in the future if they should plan an event like this without consulting you.

My SIL booked a week's vacation for the entire extended family on Nantuckett for my IL's anniversary. At the time, I got two weeks of vacation a year, and under no circumstances would I spend one of them with dh's extended family trapped on an island. We ended up having to contribute $1000 to subsidized SIL's little vacation. We've barely been on speaking terms since.

Why is it that people feel it's OK to be so free with someone else's money and time? :sad2:

wide awake
04-17-2006, 09:30 AM
In this one case I'd give them the $200...this is the first time this has happened isn't it ? If so it probably won't come up again. I know how you feel, my SIL has done things like order Mother's rings w/o talking to her siblings, then expecting everyone to pay their share...she got a lesson when she didn't get a dime from us...but it actually took another couple examples till she realized we wouldn't do/pay anything unless we were asked first.

simpilotswife
04-17-2006, 09:33 AM
You're being cheap. Maybe the reason that you weren't included in the planning process is because they knew that you wouldn't want to go all out.

disneyxo
04-17-2006, 10:20 AM
The proper thing for her to have done is to contacted everybody first explained that Mom wanted the party. Then asked how much people felt comfortable contributing. The party should have been based on that amount vs just telling everybody what they owed. I really don't think any Mom wants their children to struggle financially just to have a party planned for them.

Disneydreaming6
04-17-2006, 10:22 AM
I can understand where you are coming from. I too had this happen to me but with inlaws 50th. At the time I was on a very tight budget due to loosing my job. I got a call from my sil telling me that they were planning a party for parents, the party was in 2 weeks and our portion was 800.00, and oh do you think I could make them a cake and do some kind of center piece for all the tables, oh and we need favors can you handle that too? Now, I have no problem with paying our share, but to give you 2 weeks notice, when they had planned this for months and didn't bother telling me or dh I think was very rude, instead of having to come up with it all at once I could of been putting money aside for it. So it has nothing to do with being cheap, I have no problem helping out. But don't plan a party without letting us know then expect us to pay. I did have a good laugh, when it was all over and you sat back and watched the blame game begin. They forgot to invite the parents best friends of over 60 yrs. They had the theme in silver, forgot to hire the dj.

gottaluvdis
04-17-2006, 10:30 AM
I think you're getting off cheap....you're lucky there are so many people who can chip in. We're throwing my in-laws a 50th wedding anniversary party in October which we'll foot the bill for 100%....to the tune of 5-6K. It's like a mini-wedding pretty much. We know not to even bother asking DH's brother and his wife because they'll say that they don't have it.

I hear ya! My In-laws 50th is next year, along with MIL's 75th b-day and FIL's 80th b-day, all the same year. DH is an only child, so we're planning and paying for everything. We're planning to do one large party to celebrate everything since we live 1500 miles from each other. We're glad to do it as they've done so much for us and DD. I feel honored to be able to do this for them. That being said, at least we have control over the party. I think the OP should pay the $200, but it was wrong of the SIL to plan the party and hand them the bill without letting them have input.

calypso*a*go-go
04-17-2006, 10:34 AM
If the $200 is going to be difficult for you to contribute, maybe you can ask the person doing the planning to go over some of the details with you to look for areas you might be able to help with providing services vs. dollars. Can you make the invitations yourself, or perhaps help with some of the food prep.? Things like that might provide opportunities for you to pitch in without any financial obligation.

canwegosoon
04-17-2006, 10:41 AM
All those who say $200 isn't much. Unless you have access to her personal financial records--you have no idea if that is much or not.

I disagree with paying that much if it isn't affordable. Contribute what you can and if that is nothing--that is fine. (Though a few dollars would be better than $0--people tend to talk even though they have no place to do so).

ITA..Is this party set in stone?...If the Goal is have a Party for Mom: but could it be done in a way that might fit in your budget too? Instead of having a catered affair or a sit down somewhere, could you plan a pot luck barbaque? Could one of the other family members donate their house(or get a space at the town park), and have everyon be responsible for a part of it...but when decisions are made unilaterally without regaurd to people's finances it becomes an akward situation.

I have a sister who loves to go over the top for my parents gifts eg-lets get them a w/d set for their anniversary(even though she is on the verge of bankrupt herself-where we(the loaded ones-are very careful with our money) don't give up 200.00 easily.

If the party is set- I guess you have to go along with it- Have a yard sale or do something to minimize the impact to your budget.

Becky2005
04-17-2006, 10:42 AM
They forgot to invite the parents best friends of over 60 yrs.

:rotfl2: Oops! I find this funny but to this day the most hilarious thing is *I* didn't get invited to one of my mom's surprise birthday parties. :lmao: It was a total oversight - even my DAD knew about the party and he thought someone else had invited me, someone else thought the other person invited me, etc... Basically everyone thought I knew about it because they thought "someone else" had told me! They were all wondering why I showed up on her birthday, got her some flowers and made a bigger deal than usual (I believe it was her 50th birthday). They thought I was doing it as a cover up for the surprise party! I found out about it AFTER it happened - that's when everyone realized no one invited me! My mom called me and asked me about the party and I had no idea what she was talking about. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

It's still a running joke in my family... :rotfl2: I honestly didn't think anything too odd because although we tend to have surprise parties for the big birthdays - it's not always necessarily when the birthday's are. We just had a 70th one for my dad & my aunt...his birthday is in March, hers is in February and we just had their party yesterday.

I don't think the $200 is too bad. I know I didn't have to pitch in for this party but I believe my mom said she paid about $300 for her part and it was just a small, in the basement of the church party with some small catered food (fried chicken, ham, etc..) really nothing over the top. There are only 3 of them though that split the cost.

cats mom
04-17-2006, 10:56 AM
With OP's figures of $200 x 9 that comes to $1,800

Are you sure they're not cutting you a break already?

We did an 80th B-day party for FIL last year and I can tell you it was WAAY more than that! We kept the guest list fairly small too.
We only had a three way split and it was A LOT of work.

Since the party is not until Sept. I'd think there is still plenty of time to jump in and get involved with the planning/details.

If you really can't afford the $200 I'd be upfront with that and maybe you could offer to help out some other way.

We used our vacation money for the one we threw last year - but don't regret it a bit. FIL LOVED it and still talks about it every time we see him.

The Disney Bunch
04-17-2006, 11:01 AM
While I think celebrating your MIL's life is great - I think that you should also have input in what is being done- To be told what is being planned & what your part is in it is not nice. Also - if circumstances are difficult for one member of the family, then that should also be taken into account. Why can't the party be toned down so it was affordable or someone else kick in some extra?
My dh's siblings were planning a big anniversary party one year for his folks & we got handed the bill without being consulted. We refused - the party ended up being cancelled & his brother told us it was all out fault- it turned out tow of his sisters also refused because they couldn't afford it. I told BIL that if he wanted this aprty so bad - he could pay for the whole thing- he just ignored me on this.

Yous SIL should have checked with everyone first to see who had what ideas instead of taking it over by herself (even if it for her mother).

cinamin27
04-17-2006, 11:03 AM
I dont necessarily think that its tacky, you did not mention if the total party cost $1800 or if $200 is your share & the other siblings are chipping in more. do you know for certain that your hubby wasnt consulted about this before & he didnt just tell them "let us know what our share is?" if not, maybe you were not consulted because they knew it was going to cost quite a bit of money to throw the party & did not want to make you look bad if you could not afford what they are paying or did not want to make you feel guilty for knowingly paying less?

posters here have jumped to conclusions but there is a lot of ways to look at the situation & its hard to lay blame anywhere because we only know a part of the story, the part that the OP provided. I also think it is unfair to ask someone to "tone down" a party if 8 out of 9 people could afford to throw a big party, why should they have to do something cheap if they can afford something bigger?

if her party is in September, then you have about 20 weeks to save if the family is willing to let you pay your portion just before the party. at 20 weeks, that is only saving $10 per week & I bet you can do it. or maybe pay someone each week the $10 or if you are paid bi weekly, then pay someone $20 each payday? I do not know your personal financial situation but with a 30,000 mortgage, I'd be willing to bet your mortgage cost are quite low. There's gotta be somewhere that you can squeeze $10 a week out of...... :confused3

grlpwrd
04-17-2006, 11:34 AM
We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie

Yes, I think we're only hearing one side of the situation and I get the vibe that there's a lot of issues between the SIL/family and the OP.

I was just curious and peeked at some older posts by the OP. Apparently, she is sending her dd to overnight camp, has different ING accounts, flew to FL, and spent $$$ on different WDW dining experiences. Sure doesn't sound like they are really strapped for cash. :confused3

I can understand the principle of it all and that there may be issues, but an 80yo woman shouldn't be "punished" for it. Celebrate her life! :wizard:

disneymom3
04-17-2006, 11:52 AM
I would be a lot more ticked at the fact that it sounds like they planned the party with no other input from you than telling you how much you owed. DSIL did this a few years ago. She made a scrapbook for ILs (her parents) that was supposedly from all of us. She did all the work and in that deserved all the credit. I had NO problem with that at all. What I did have a problem with was being presented a bill for $50 for our "Share" of the costs of putting together the album with not a word being mentioned that it was technically from all three siblings. It was something she wanted to do, it was totally up to her how much she spent and all the "glory" went 100% to her. I do think it's great that she did it and spent all that time and I sure didn't want to, but then to help foot the bill for what was essentially her gift was really irritating.

This same sister of DHs does things like plan big parties and talk to us about how much we will need to contribute. (Just like the OP.) One of the years it was while DH was unemployed. We were borrowing money from my mom to make the house payment every month and then to be asked for whatever it was to help pay for a party just totally put me over the edge. I had to let DH talk to her cause I would have not been nice. So, OP I know what you mean--it's very frustrating and irritating!

planning06
04-17-2006, 12:10 PM
I haven't read the whole thread, but I do not think the point is the amount you were asked to pay. The point was you were never asked for input, you were simply told THIS is what we are doing is THIS is the amount you have to pay. I would be ticked as well, regardless the amount of money that was requested. I've taken part in a couple of family parties. Each time it was something that was discussed before hand with approximate details, approximate cost, etc. I think it is presumptuous to do otherwise.

CinRell
04-17-2006, 12:18 PM
I'm surprised how many people are saying "just pitch in and stop complaining".. for some people $200 is a LOT of money. If someone suddenly told me I owed $200 for something I knew NOTHING of when I am on such a tight budget and stressing over money daily I'd be FLOORED. I think to plan something and then just give you a bill is tacky for sure! Plus I assume a personal present on top of that right?

If sis had gotten together with everyone adn worked out the budget, shared suggestions, had everyone agree I could understand but if anyone called me and said "hey I planned something but need you to pay a couple hundred for it" I'd be livid.. not to mention my ulcer would go crazy. $200 is a ton of money to me right now.

I feel for you. I think this was very very rude to assume you can pay that amount.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 12:30 PM
I hear ya! My In-laws 50th is next year, along with MIL's 75th b-day and FIL's 80th b-day, all the same year. DH is an only child, so we're planning and paying for everything. We're planning to do one large party to celebrate everything since we live 1500 miles from each other. We're glad to do it as they've done so much for us and DD. I feel honored to be able to do this for them. That being said, at least we have control over the party. I think the OP should pay the $200, but it was wrong of the SIL to plan the party and hand them the bill without letting them have input.

Same thing here....we're about 1200 miles away. As for the OP not having input, well, try planning a party with nine different parties contributing thoughts and ideas....man, that would really be tough! I've thrown all sorts of parties, lots of bridal and baby showers and any more than 3 or 4 people involved in the planning turns into a nightmare. Too many chefs in the kitchen. We feel honored to be able to do this as well. We asked them what they'd like for their 50th...a nice big party or a nice vacation of some sort....they chose the party. I'm also glad that we have control...I'm convinced that my BIL and wife couldn't possibly throw a party. They never had any of us over for any holiday, BBQ...kid's BDs...ever. Everything was always at my MIL's house. They just don't know how to entertain....actually, they don't even know how to invite people ;).

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 12:58 PM
With OP's figures of $200 x 9 that comes to $1,800

Are you sure they're not cutting you a break already?

We did an 80th B-day party for FIL last year and I can tell you it was WAAY more than that! We kept the guest list fairly small too.
We only had a three way split and it was A LOT of work.

Since the party is not until Sept. I'd think there is still plenty of time to jump in and get involved with the planning/details.

If you really can't afford the $200 I'd be upfront with that and maybe you could offer to help out some other way.

We used our vacation money for the one we threw last year - but don't regret it a bit. FIL LOVED it and still talks about it every time we see him.

I agree....$1,800 really is not a lot of money for a large party. Even having 75-100 people at my home for a party where we were going to feed them...it would be tough to do it for that amount with all the trimmings (and there wouldn't be a lot of trimmings for that number).

I guess I also don't understand how a one time $200 contribution to a party is really making or breaking anyone here, especially with five full months to save for it. If I didn't have a $40 cushion built into my monthly budget I'd start wondering what the heck I was doing with a computer, with on-line access, surfing a website primarily devoted to planning a trip to Walt Disney World.

kizmac
04-17-2006, 01:11 PM
Well, here's my opinion, since you asked.......
It's for his mother, the woman that gave him life and raised him. I think spending $200 toward a celebration of the womans 80th b-day which is a big deal IMO, no matter what your income or budget is money well spent. Also, I don't see it as tacky for the sister to plan the party and tell you about what you'd have to pitch in for it. This is normally how it is done. My grandfather just had his 80th and the 4 siblings all pitched in even though my dad's sisters did all the planning. Men usually could care less about being involved in party planning. Besides, it's not till September and I'd be willing to bet there is still a lot to be done that I'm sure they would welcome your help with if you wish to be involved. Plus there are 9 siblings...if everyone tried to have a say it would be a nightmare.

What I do see as tacky is the comment you made while DH was on the phone with SIL. Why did she "need" to hear that? I understand that they may appear better off financially, but having big houses and making good money doesn't always mean they aren't also on a tight budget. I just don't understand what she is doing wrong by planning a party that their mother expressed a desire for. She is giving you 5 months notice that it will cost $200. Instead of being nasty, I'm sure if you told the others about your situation and that you would need to budget for it that they would be fine with that. $200 over 5 months is only $40 a month. :confused3

It's such a shame to let something that should be a cause for celebration bring negative feelings between the family members. We all should be so lucky to celebrate 80 years with friends and family. I'd gladly put up $200 for my mom someday. Even if some home remodeling had to be put off for a little longer.

Shagley
04-17-2006, 01:45 PM
I guess my first thought is that since you weren't actually on the phone with your SIL, the phone conversation could have gone a whole lot of different ways. Are you sure your SIL didn't call just to let your DH know what your MIL had requested for her birthday. I mean, she could have been saying "Mom requested that we do this for her birthday, and if we do that and split the expenses, it would come to $200.00 for each family". If it is what your MIL requested, what else could she do? I mean, she is giving you 5 months notice - not saying she needs the money right now, right?

Is your DH upset about this at all?

I had a terrible, horrible experience with something like this for my Grandparent's 50th Anniversary (over 10 years ago), but I was on the other side. My Mom and her sisters planned the event and agreed to split the cost. It was a small event where they reserved the church basement, and bought cold cuts and different salads from a local restaurant / caterer. We provided the total number to the restaurant, and they told us how much food we should get. Even though my Mom and her sisters all had input, once the final bill came and was split evenly, my Uncle (who was new to the family) had a fit over having to pay 1/4 of the bill. He thought that since we had quite a bit of food left over and no one consulted him on how much food should be ordered (he is a Gardener, like he would have any idea of how much food we needed), they shouldn't have to pay for any of the food that was leftover. He wanted my Mom to figure up the cost of the food that was leftover and take that much off their portion of the bill (and out of spite, he refused to eat any of the leftovers and told my Aunt not to eat any of the leftovers). He was throwing such a tantrum that he and my Aunt had to "take a drive", and when they came back, my Aunt had been crying. She gave my Mom a check for the full amount and went into the bedroom and didn't come back out for the rest of the night. Anyway, it created lots of bad feelings toward my Uncle - and today I still have bad feeling toward him because of what a jerk he was that day. I hope he thought that $25.00 or whatever he was trying to save was worth it to have my entire family dislike him forever. Also, I KNOW he would have NEVER acted that way if it was for HIS parents. :furious:

I guess my thought would be that maybe your SIL was discussing it with your DH. Also, if it is what your MIL requested, what kind of input did you want to have?? I actually feel bad for your SIL (of course, I don't know her so I could be waaaayyyy off), it sounds like she is between a rock and a hard place. Especially if all she is doing is planning a celebration that your MIL requested, and she has to be the one to try to get everyone to pay their share for it.

I do have to agree (without knowing any of the past history) that your remark to your SIL was awfully rude. It wouldn't make me want to call you up and ask for your input.

Pigeon
04-17-2006, 02:07 PM
Also, I don't see it as tacky for the sister to plan the party and tell you about what you'd have to pitch in for it. This is normally how it is done.

Not in my universe. It is not the norm to decide for someone else how much they will contribute to something they had no hand in planning. If you want to plan a big party and intend to pay for the whole thing, plan ahead. Otherwise, you'd darn well better ask if me 1) if I want to be part of the party and 2) how much I want to spend on it.

Downrivermama
04-17-2006, 02:28 PM
Having been thru the tramua of planning a 75 & 80th birthday party for my DF and dealing with my 3 siblings, you should of been contacted before plans were made and been a part of the planning process. I got the double whammy for my DF's 75th, one sibling asked what we should do and the next thing I knew I was doing all the leg work and still paid my full share. Of course my 2 DS's pranced around like they did everything!

kizmac
04-17-2006, 02:33 PM
Anyway, it created lots of bad feelings toward my Uncle - and today I still have bad feeling toward him because of what a jerk he was that day. I hope he thought that $25.00 or whatever he was trying to save was worth it to have my entire family dislike him forever. Also, I KNOW he would have NEVER acted that way if it was for HIS parents. :furious:

I.

Your post brings up an excellent point. We all don't feel the same about our MILs as we would our own moms which could be the reason the OP is reacting they way she is about the $200. DH may not be as upset at the thoughts of chipping in for his mom but is now caught in the middle by the reaction of his wife. Not a place that men like to be in.

OP, you really could be putting him in a tough spot by making comments or turning it into something bigger than it really is. You really should be asking yourself if $200 is worth that. Even if you don't feel MIL is worth that for whatever reason (not knowing family history).

The woman had 9 children...and lived 80 years!?! I want to know her secret! That is quite an accomplishment. Somedays I feel my 6 kids are driving me to an early grave. :crazy:

kizmac
04-17-2006, 02:43 PM
Not in my universe. It is not the norm to decide for someone else how much they will contribute to something they had no hand in planning. If you want to plan a big party and intend to pay for the whole thing, plan ahead. Otherwise, you'd darn well better ask if me 1) if I want to be part of the party and 2) how much I want to spend on it.


First of all when I said normally done...I should of added in our family, because that is what I meant. Anyhow, I personally saw the SIL's phone call, being 5 months in advance as her way of informing them of the plans and how much it would be for their share. How is that wrong and what exactly should she have done differently? We are talking about a family of 9 siblings not 2 and they all may not live near each other. It is only $200 and I'm sure that if the OP said sorry, we aren't paying, we don't want to be involved, they could go on with their plans as they are. We are talking FAMILY not a work party or a company picnic that someone springs on you. I just don't get the big deal with what the SIL did!?

DiznEeyore
04-17-2006, 02:44 PM
I am stunned to see that so many think the OP should just hand over the $200 and be happy. We've had TONS of big parties/showers in our family and circle of friends and NONE have cost upwards of $2000!! What do you people do for parties that costs so much? Is it the booze? Or do you rent really expensive halls or something? :confused3

The other thing that strikes me is everyone who's saying that the OP and hubby should be thankful mom is still around and "$200 isn't much to celebrate her life". Ummmm .... do you think they've IGNORED her all these years? I'm sure they do lots to show their affection and appreciation -- an expensive party isn't the only way to say, "Gee, Mom, we love you and we're glad you're still with us"!! Hopefully their mom knows how much she's loved already and doesn't need a party to prove it!

That being said, I'd want some serious input on the party if I was throwing in that much.

kizmac
04-17-2006, 03:01 PM
Yes, I think we're only hearing one side of the situation and I get the vibe that there's a lot of issues between the SIL/family and the OP.

I was just curious and peeked at some older posts by the OP. Apparently, she is sending her dd to overnight camp, has different ING accounts, flew to FL, and spent $$$ on different WDW dining experiences. Sure doesn't sound like they are really strapped for cash. :confused3

I can understand the principle of it all and that there may be issues, but an 80yo woman shouldn't be "punished" for it. Celebrate her life! :wizard:
Hmmm.......I too just looked at some previous posts by the OP and this one in particular struck a cord.

Here's how I convinced my H to let me go back to WDW.

1st plan a "once in a lifetime" trip for a family of 5. Stay at the Poly during your youngest DD's b-day (since she's never been but the teens did when she was a baby) and make tons of ADR's. Make sure you include extras like MVMCP & parasailing. Buy yourself an AP for the savings on the room & dining. Total cost $8,000.

Then when free dining comes out tell H that there's this deal at WDW and you and DD can go back for only $1242 including air, that will seem VERY cheap after the last trip Make sure to let him know this is the cheapest it will ever be since your AP is still good so you don't need tickets (don't tell him you forgot to add on the cost to upgrade DD's ticket til after you book). Also get out the Disney Visa and tell him if you both use that exclusively til the trip you'll have $200-300 in rewards that will bring the cost down. And lastly it doesn't hurt to plan your dates during a monthly boys night out that he couldn't go to if you were home

Calie, going back for free dining and still can't believe H is letting me Calie


After reading that, I think it is clear that it's not the money, it's not the fact that they weren't involved in planning, it's more of a fact that they have better things to spend that money on... even with the savings of that $200-$300 in Disney Visa rewards :rolleyes:

C.Ann
04-17-2006, 03:05 PM
You're being cheap. Maybe the reason that you weren't included in the planning process is because they knew that you wouldn't want to go all out.
-------------------
That's a pretty nasty comment - "You're being cheap" - when you don't have a clue what her financial situation is..

I would be very annoyed that I wasn't consulted first - and depending upon the circumstances I would contribute what I comfortably could or nothing at all if I couldn't afford it..

NO ONE has the right to dicate how another person spends their money.. It's rude, presumptutous, and extremely bad manners..

Downrivermama
04-17-2006, 03:05 PM
How is that wrong and what exactly should she have done differently? We are talking about a family of 9 siblings not 2 and they all may not live near each other. It is only $200 and I'm sure that if the OP said sorry, we aren't paying, we don't want to be involved, they could go on with their plans as they are. We are talking FAMILY not a work party or a company picnic that someone springs on you. I just don't get the big deal with what the SIL did!?

First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.

C.Ann
04-17-2006, 03:17 PM
First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.-
-------------------------------

Exactly! I don't care if the OP is taking a hundred trips to WDW.. That's not the point.. The point is that no one should be able to DICTATE how other people are going to spend their money without even consulting them.. It's about the rudest thing I have ever heard of in my entire life..

And I also have to wonder about the cost of this party? $1800? I could do one bang up party for that much..

kizmac
04-17-2006, 03:40 PM
First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.


From the OP's post and the information that she gave....obviously she was not the one who even spoke to the SIL and was already in a huff before even knowing the full story....but, there is no way you can say that the SIL DIDN'T communicate the info in the manner that you are saying it should have been done.

What the OP asked was she being cheap over not wanting to pitch the $200 for a party for MIL especially when they weren't involved in the planning, which really, do you even know...from the OP's post, how much planning has exactly gone into the thing yet? Not really. I mean, it could be that the mother conveyed her desires to her closest child...the SIL, and maybe stated where she wanted it. Ok, so if it's a hall...likely they have to use their caters. So maybe the SIL went as far as to estimate on her own how much for the place and $ for food for the people that would be invited. Then she came up with a figure that she then picked up the phone and called everyone about. Seems pretty harmless to me.

I could see your point if we were talking short notice but it's $200 with 5 months notice.

kmp1191
04-17-2006, 03:42 PM
The title of this thread is
"Is This Tacky or Are We Being Cheap?" The OP asked a question and in my opinion, you are being cheap. It's not a right or wrong answer and there's no reason for anyone to get their panties in a wad over it. It's an opinion and everyone is entitled to theirs.

mickeyluv'r
04-17-2006, 03:52 PM
It sounds to me like we're only hearing part of the story. We weren't privy to the husband's conversation, and we don't know the history of this family.

If it were me, I'd want to be included in the party planning for my mom. I can't imagine my sisters doing otherwise, but most of the men in the family would rather NOT be involved in the planning. In fact, when it came time to plan weddings, they expressly said so! Also, the OP doesn't know for sure that her husband didn't have an earlier conversation to that effect. While it's tough to give out money - and it can be especially tough to give over for one's mother-in-law, I do think $200 is a reasonable amount for her 80th birthday party.

Yes, birthday parties in big halls do cost this much, or even more depending on where they are held. In fact, the family may well have reduced the amount they are asking from this couple...but maybe not.

Since we're not in this family though, there may be much more going on than the OP revealed...hard to really understand the situation with such incomplete info.

disneynewbee
04-17-2006, 03:53 PM
I think that if you are expected to contribute financially to the party that you should be able to contribute with the planning if you want to and that she was tacky in not asking if you would like to help in planning. I would still pay the 200 though since you would normally get her a present anyway and that is what she wants as a present.

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 04:32 PM
I would have thought that by now the OP would have chimed in and given her side of the story or explained the situation a little better...Or heck, even been upset for some Diser's calling her cheap, but after 4 pages of posts still no response.

mickeyfan2
04-17-2006, 04:44 PM
First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.
The OP got in a huff during a phone call. Did her DH already know about the party and told the SIL to call with what his part would be? Since the OP never said the DH was surprised by the call and the party is 5 months away, this may have been the stating of the planning stage. Only the DH know for sure.

dismom24
04-17-2006, 05:11 PM
I have to say I wish my husbands family was arguing about a party. We lost both his parents within the last few years and I miss them dearly.
Cherish the time you have with them and make good memories that you will always have. I don't think that you will regret it.

robinb
04-17-2006, 05:15 PM
I have not read the other responses, but I have to go with "Cheap". You cannot cry "poor!" when you just booked at trip to WDW and forked over a $200 deposit. Your MIL is worth it and you should be happy that someone else is arranging everything for you.

plummer925
04-17-2006, 05:41 PM
I would have thought that by now the OP would have chimed in and given her side of the story or explained the situation a little better...Or heck, even been upset for some Diser's calling her cheap, but after 4 pages of posts still no response.

That is exactly what I was thinking too!!

:confused3 WHere is the OP??? :confused3

I think we should ALL let this thread die - everyone is arguing with eachother at this point, and that's senseless! :thumbsup2

robinb
04-17-2006, 05:48 PM
I think threads like these really serve a purpose. It makes us think: "What would I do?" What would I do if I was asked to pay $200 without input? What would I do if I was planning a party and wanted my family to chip in?

I can tell you what my DH's cousin did recently for his Aunt and Uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. They asked for input (and then went with their own idea ;)) and then sent emails telling everyone the cost of the present. They said they would kick in whatever was left over. We contributed an equal share and it was all good.

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 05:51 PM
Yes, I think we're only hearing one side of the situation and I get the vibe that there's a lot of issues between the SIL/family and the OP.

I was just curious and peeked at some older posts by the OP. Apparently, she is sending her dd to overnight camp, has different ING accounts, flew to FL, and spent $$$ on different WDW dining experiences. Sure doesn't sound like they are really strapped for cash. :confused3

I can understand the principle of it all and that there may be issues, but an 80yo woman shouldn't be "punished" for it. Celebrate her life! :wizard:

So what is your point.

By my ticker--you would probably assume things. It is best not to assume.

WE have budgets and if someone plans a big fluffy event and then tells noone except come bill time--well, as I said before--unless telepathy is a dominating gene in the family.....

It is poor manners to do this.

What is it they say about weddings--do what you can afford...

Same is for any party that one hosts regardless of the circumstance. If you plan it yourself and asks for contributions after the fact--it is tacky.

(And yes we would probably give the $200--but heck...the $$$ is not the point).

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 06:18 PM
So what is your point.

By my ticker--you would probably assume things. It is best not to assume.

WE have budgets and if someone plans a big fluffy event and then tells noone except come bill time--well, as I said before--unless telepathy is a dominating gene in the family.....

It is poor manners to do this.

What is it they say about weddings--do what you can afford...

Same is for any party that one hosts regardless of the circumstance. If you plan it yourself and asks for contributions after the fact--it is tacky.

(And yes we would probably give the $200--but heck...the $$$ is not the point).

I think your last sentence says it all. Even though the OP said that $200 is a lot more to her than it is to her DH's siblings, clearly the OP's original comments are not about the money. With family it's usually more involved than that.

I also think that the OP probably could have called the SIL back and said..."Sure, we'd love to chip in what we can for Mom's BD party....is there anything I can do to help with the planning?" That would have given her a good idea what the plans were...

Also, there's more than one side to this story. Imagine the SIL hearing the comment by the OP in the background. And imagine asking your brother for $200 for his Mom's 80th BD and then getting flack from his wife over the amount (The OP did say that $200 is a lot for them)....for $200....after they just took an $8,000 trip to Walt Disney World and now have plans to go back.

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 06:35 PM
I think your last sentence says it all. Even though the OP said that $200 is a lot more to her than it is to her DH's siblings, clearly the OP's original comments are not about the money. With family it's usually more involved than that.



What point does it make? That other people have the right to dictate my finances or the OP's?

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 06:56 PM
I think it is funny that when people post threads about finances and such some are so quick to go and pull previous posts to find out what they have been spending money on... :lmao:

It is NONE of your business. When they ask a question they want and answer to that question. They are not looking for your approval as to why they took an $8,000 vacation. With all this talk about being tacky..Pulling posts so you can belittle them for what they spend their money on is very tacky!!!!

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 07:06 PM
I think it is funny that when people post threads about finances and such some are so quick to go and pull previous posts to find out what they have been spending money on... :lmao:

It is NONE of your business. When they ask a question they want and answer to that question. They are not looking for your approval as to why they took an $8,000 vacation. With all this talk about being tacky..Pulling posts so you can belittle them for what they spend their money on is very tacky!!!!

I didn't pull the post or even search for it. However, I did assume that the OP's original issue was not really over the money, and if it was....well, I wondered how anyone who can't afford $40 a month for five months toward a party can afford to own a computer, pay for on-line access...and is hanging around a Disney board where people mostly plan trips to WDW. It's a given that just about every poster here has taken a fairly recent trip to WDW or has one in the works. I don't know why people get so uptight about the fact that someone finds a recent post...it's not exactly a secret that most people here are planning on going to Disney.

The OP asked if it was cheap to not want to give $200 towards a party...and painted a picture of her and her family as not being able to compete with her DH's siblings financially. And so it sounded like they were on a really tight budget, but then someone pulls a post that shows that they've recently taken an 8K trip to WDW...and has another one planned. And so I don't see how those two things can co-exist. It's difficult to paint a picture of poverty when taking those kinds of vacations.

I think that the SIL probably could have handled the whole thing better as well. She should have included the OP in the discussion before asking for money. However, having planned many parties, it would be quite difficult to make everyone happy when there are 9 siblings and all of their significant others involved. Sometimes someone has to take the bull by the horns, and in all honesty, I don't think chipping in $200 for a Mom's 80th BD is a whole lot to ask.....regardless of finances in most cases.

runwad
04-17-2006, 07:20 PM
I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they said we don't all think of our MIL as our Mothers. I know I sure don't. I think it's amazing that some of my friends actually prefer their MIL's to their Mother, cause for me this is so NOT the case. I wouldn't want to contribute a dime of my hard earned money to a party for her and I don't care if she was turning 100!! When you don't like someone you find offense in almost everything they do and all things that pertain to them; maybe that is part of the ops problem. She'd rather spend her money on something she likes, I'm right there with ya sister :thumbsup2

That being said I should state I'd fork over the $200 anyway for my husbands sake, but would still complain about it here on the Dis :teeth:

agoofylover
04-17-2006, 07:21 PM
Hi,
My Grandma turned 80 last year. My grandma has three kids..my mom and two sons. My mom came up with the idea...and then checked with my uncles first. I think that was smart...both uncles make way more money than my mom...but they all decided to split the cost. My mom and I did a lot in other areas...making her a scrapbook with special things her kids and grandkids remembered/loved about her. We (mom and I ) did almost all the work, but my uncles were kept informed as we went along. I can't say that our party was big. Her 3 kids, 7 grandkids, 9 great-grandkids and spouses of kids and grandkids. I think it should have been discussed with you and your husband before any plans were made...but now that it's done, what can you do? You could see if there was something you could contribute in some way to cut down some cost...maybe?
good luck!! :confused3 :wave2:

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 07:25 PM
I didn't pull the post or even search for it. However, I did assume that the OP's original issue was not really over the money, and if it was....well, I wondered how anyone who can't afford $40 a month for five months toward a party can afford to own a computer, pay for on-line access...and is hanging around a Disney board where people mostly plan trips to WDW. It's a given that just about every poster here has taken a fairly recent trip to WDW or has one in the works. I don't know why people get so uptight about the fact that someone finds a recent post...it's not exactly a secret that most people here are planning on going to Disney.

The OP asked if it was cheap to not want to give $200 towards a party...and painted a picture of her and her family as not being able to compete with her DH's siblings financially. And so it sounded like they were on a really tight budget, but then someone pulls a post that shows that they've recently taken an 8K trip to WDW...and has another one planned. And so I don't see how those two things can co-exist. It's difficult to paint a picture of poverty when taking those kinds of vacations.

I think that the SIL probably could have handled the whole thing better as well. She should have included the OP in the discussion before asking for money. However, having planned many parties, it would be quite difficult to make everyone happy when there are 9 siblings and all of their significant others involved. Sometimes someone has to take the bull by the horns, and in all honesty, I don't think chipping in $200 for a Mom's 80th BD is a whole lot to ask.....regardless of finances in most cases.



I was not calling you out...I was talking about people in general and on other threads. It has happened on pretty much every thread in which the OP has asked for some sort of advice.

I DO NOT think that 200.00 is asking for a lot either especially for her Dh's 80 year old mother. As someone has already stated the woman gave him life the least they can do is give 200.00. I AGREE with you!!!

I do think there are some hard feelings between the OP and her SIL and there is more to the story.

There are plenty of people who spread themselves so thin that there is not an extra $40.00 a month to give for a party and I understand that and computer and internet may be that luxury they refuse to get rid of just like a bad smoking habit. But that is not any of my business as to why they can or cannot afford it. If it were me and it were DH's mother I would find a way to come up with the 200.00 just because I love her so much!!

Sorry you felt attacked!! :sad2:

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 07:31 PM
I was not calling you out...I was talking about people in general and on other threads. It has happened on pretty much every thread in which the OP has asked for some sort of advice.

I DO NOT think that 200.00 is asking for a lot either especially for her Dh's 80 year old mother. As someone has already stated the woman gave him life the least they can do is give 200.00. I AGREE with you!!!

I do think there are some hard feelings between the OP and her SIL and there is more to the story.

There are plenty of people who spread themselves so thin that there is not an extra $40.00 a month to give for a party and I understand that and computer and internet may be that luxury they refuse to get rid of just like a bad smoking habit. But that is not any of my business as to why they can or cannot afford it. If it were me and it were DH's mother I would find a way to come up with the 200.00 just because I love her so much!!

Sorry you felt attacked!! :sad2:

I didn't feel attacked...it's all good. I just wanted to point out why I made my original comments about $200 not being a whole lot for most people on this board. When I was in college and working part-time, $200 was a lot for me, but back then I didn't own a computer and I certainly wasn't planning a trip to WDW. At any other point in my life, even with my first job, I could have scraped together $200 for something important (which this party may or may not be to the OP). I guess my point is that I have a tough time buying that $200 for a party five months out is *that* tough for just about anyone around here to scrape together. Just by the pure fact that someone is here on this board...it says to me that they are thinking about a trip to Disney, or have taken one in the last few years. To me, that says you have some money to burn....

kizmac
04-17-2006, 07:34 PM
I think it is funny that when people post threads about finances and such some are so quick to go and pull previous posts to find out what they have been spending money on... :lmao:

It is NONE of your business. When they ask a question they want and answer to that question. They are not looking for your approval as to why they took an $8,000 vacation. With all this talk about being tacky..Pulling posts so you can belittle them for what they spend their money on is very tacky!!!!



You're right! I did copy her post and that was tacky. I do appologize OP! I honestly didn't even think to look though until someone else mentioned it. Still doesn't make it right and I do feel bad. I think I had too much time on my hands today.

Anyhow, she did ask the question if it was tacky and if they were being cheap. Then stated that $200 was a "big" deal to her family and how much all the others made. She brought the issue of finances to the table not us. I could careless if she takes 15 trips to Disney a year and spend $8000 each time, but she asked for the opinion and then didn't bother to post any more info. So forgive me and anyone else that had too much time on our hands and looked at her prior posts. I am in no way concerned what they spend their money on nor did I want to belittle them for what they spend their money on. I love Disney (of course) and think it's a great place to spend money :teeth: but sorry if I don't break out :charac2: for someone that claims $200 is a big deal for MIL's 80th...5 months from now....when they post on a public forum about their trips.

That said...maybe she doesn't like MIL..maybe MIL is a real stinker, then I could understand her not wanting to pitch in. OP hasn't been back to add input...but she asked so she's getting answers. Wasn't that the purpose? I hope she has a great trip and MIL has a great party. :goodvibes

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 07:34 PM
I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they said we don't all think of our MIL as our Mothers. I know I sure don't. I think it's amazing that some of my friends actually prefer their MIL's to their Mother, cause for me this is so NOT the case. I wouldn't want to contribute a dime of my hard earned money to a party for her and I don't care if she was turning 100!! When you don't like someone you find offense in almost everything they do and all things that pertain to them; maybe that is part of the ops problem. She'd rather spend her money on something she likes, I'm right there with ya sister :thumbsup2

That being said I should state I'd fork over the $200 anyway for my husbands sake, but would still complain about it here on the Dis :teeth:


I know a lot of women who feel the way you do about their MIL's and there are just some MIL's out there that REFUSE to get along with the DIL and vice versa.....I am SO fortunate that I got a great one. I talk to her more than I do my own mother. It is not that I love her more than my mom. I just have more in common with her I mean heck I live with her only son and nobody can understand where I am coming from (when it comes to him) more than his mother right? I love her to pieces!!!
Sure she gets on my nerves from time to time and I am sure I do hers, but we get over it and move on. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with her.

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 07:41 PM
I'd rather give from the heart than to be cornered for it.

Me saying I'd do the $200--woudl be so that people wouldn't feel ill of me for any reason. Not quite the gift that says "I love you".

Just by the pure fact that someone is here on this board...it says to me that they are thinking about a trip to Disney, or have taken one in the last few years. To me, that says you have some money to burn....

And DVCgirl--mere presence on this board does not indicate an ability to go to Disney nor that they have money to burn. You offer so much advice....I can't believe you actually stated that.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 07:44 PM
You're right! I did copy her post and that was tacky. I do appologize OP! I honestly didn't even think to look though until someone else mentioned it. Still doesn't make it right and I do feel bad. I think I had too much time on my hands today.

Anyhow, she did ask the question if it was tacky and if they were being cheap. Then stated that $200 was a "big" deal to her family and how much all the others made. She brought the issue of finances to the table not us. I could careless if she takes 15 trips to Disney a year and spend $8000 each time, but she asked for the opinion and then didn't bother to post any more info. So forgive me and anyone else that had too much time on our hands and looked at her prior posts. I am in no way concerned what they spend their money on nor did I want to belittle them for what they spend their money on. I love Disney (of course) and think it's a great place to spend money :teeth: but sorry if I don't break out :charac2: for someone that claims $200 is a big deal for MIL's 80th...5 months from now....when they post on a public forum about their trips.

That said...maybe she doesn't like MIL..maybe MIL is a real stinker, then I could understand her not wanting to pitch in. OP hasn't been back to add input...but she asked so she's getting answers. Wasn't that the purpose? I hope she has a great trip and MIL has a great party. :goodvibes

I don't think you need to apologize...it's human nature to be curious. Also, many times on these boards I will be reading a thread about someone planning a trip, or a trip report about a recent trip and then run across the same poster on the budget board asking for credit card consolidation advice a month later. That's why it's usually a good bet that a lot of the people who post about financial issues or a tight budget have been to WDW recently, or they are planning a trip. I'm not making a judgement on their behavior...to each his own, but it's tough for folks to really feel for people who cry poverty only to find out later that a major amount of $$ was spent at the House of Mouse.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 07:54 PM
I'd rather give from the heart than to be cornered for it.

Me saying I'd do the $200--woudl be so that people wouldn't feel ill of me for any reason. Not quite the gift that says "I love you".



And DVCgirl--mere presence on this board does not indicate an ability to go to Disney nor that they have money to burn. You offer so much advice....I can't believe you actually stated that.

What does that have to do with giving advice? How did you find your way here? Most likely because you're a Disney Fan correct? And while there are many here who post about the incredibly frugal trips that they take, even the most frugal trips for some here would be very expensive to someone making a modest income. The fact that someone finds their way to this board means to me that they have either taken a trip to WDW, have one in the works or are at least thinking about it. Now, "in the works" could be four years out for someone on a tight budget. But since many people can't afford to *ever* go to WDW, well, if you found your way here you at least think it's a possibility.

Lisa loves Pooh
04-17-2006, 08:01 PM
What does that have to do with giving advice? How did you find your way here? Most likely because you're a Disney Fan correct?

Well according to your statement it is because I had "money to burn". :confused3

It has everything to do with advice b/c you counsel many people here--and most often it is for stuff other than the money they have to burn to go to Disney.

I guess I found the comment very interesting.

kizmac
04-17-2006, 08:16 PM
And DVCgirl--mere presence on this board does not indicate an ability to go to Disney nor that they have money to burn. You offer so much advice....I can't believe you actually stated that.

I think that is a little harsh a comment. I don't think DVCgirl is that off in her assumption. It is a Disney board and MOST here are planning or have been to Disney. Sure that does not mean that everyone has money to burn if they go to Disney, I know I don't, but really, if someone is truly hard off, I don't imagine that the Disboard would be their hangout. DVCgirl only stated what she felt. It doesn't discredit her ability to give advice, it's her feelings.

simpilotswife
04-17-2006, 08:25 PM
-------------------
That's a pretty nasty comment - "You're being cheap" - when you don't have a clue what her financial situation is..

I would be very annoyed that I wasn't consulted first - and depending upon the circumstances I would contribute what I comfortably could or nothing at all if I couldn't afford it..

NO ONE has the right to dicate how another person spends their money.. It's rude, presumptutous, and extremely bad manners..
The title of this thread "Is this tacky or are we being cheap". She asked, I answered. Considering the post above yours with the quote about how much she has spent to go to Disney, I'd say my answer was spot on.

runwad
04-17-2006, 08:34 PM
I know a lot of women who feel the way you do about their MIL's and there are just some MIL's out there that REFUSE to get along with the DIL and vice versa.....I am SO fortunate that I got a great one. I talk to her more than I do my own mother. It is not that I love her more than my mom. I just have more in common with her I mean heck I live with her only son and nobody can understand where I am coming from (when it comes to him) more than his mother right? I love her to pieces!!!
Sure she gets on my nerves from time to time and I am sure I do hers, but we get over it and move on. I cannot imagine not having a relationship with her.

Funny I too am married to my MIL's only son and she's never gotten over the fact that he's picked me over her. You truly are lucky that your MIL doesn't resent you for taking her precious baby boy away from her!!!

mommyceratops
04-17-2006, 08:34 PM
I would be put off if I was told to pay that. Split between 9 people it means the party is $1800 and that sounds a bit to much and over the top for any party! JMO

Deb & Bill
04-17-2006, 08:47 PM
They were very tacky to plan something without your input and expect you to pay as much as everyone else. You are not being cheap. My SILs did the same thing to us. If if had been now, it wouldn't have been a problem. But when they did it to us, we didn't have the money to give them, nor the means to get to the party (we were 1500 miles from the rest of the family). So we didn't go. We sent a separate gift to my MIL and FIL from the three of us.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 08:53 PM
Well according to your statement it is because I had "money to burn". :confused3

It has everything to do with advice b/c you counsel many people here--and most often it is for stuff other than the money they have to burn to go to Disney.

I guess I found the comment very interesting.

Well I really don't try and counsel people here. I'm not an expert on anything...just try and pass on some thoughts and things that have worked in my life in particular. I also probably make the mistake in thinking that anyone who can afford even a fairly frugal trip to WDW has "money to burn". I don't know any other way....for me, and my family vacations come *after* everything else is taken care of. Ideally, a trip to WDW is an extra, a luxury...funded with cash after bills are paid and various saving/investment accounts are taken care of. I know that's not the case for everyone. However, looking at this case in particular....anyone in my world who spends $8,000 on a vacation that wasn't funded by another person....*should* have money to burn, because that is a very expensive vacation by just about anyone's standards.

jennifer293
04-17-2006, 08:57 PM
Funny I too am married to my MIL's only son and she's never gotten over the fact that he's picked me over her. You truly are lucky that your MIL doesn't resent you for taking her precious baby boy away from her!!!


HAHAHA after being married to him for almost 11 years I think everyday she is more thankful that I took him off her hands... :rotfl2: He is a MESS!!!! but I wouldn't trade him for anything.

wide awake
04-17-2006, 09:10 PM
I loved runwad's post. Sorry, I may have money to spend on my vacations, and books, and plastic surgery, and etc...not planning on blowing cash on anyone else, for any reason...particularly if not asked before hand. So why anyone feels the need to check out past posts, judge on vacation habits...not the issue !!! The question was "Is the OP right in being upset about being asked for $200 for a party she didn't plan"...should she feel cheap or tacky ? My answer is neither...none of us know the family dynamics, and IMHO I think expensive parties for 70th, 80th, Bdays, 50th anniversaries are stupid...I take my mom on vacations now, when she can enjoy them...I buy thoughtful gifts and try to take my dad and his girlfriend on vacations...I don't owe anyone anything, and as far as we know the OP doesn't either. If she wants to spend a zillion dollars on her next WDW trip, more power to her...so she says the budget is tight...maybe because of vacation expenses, not my business, not my issue, I don't care.

calie_j
04-17-2006, 09:12 PM
OP here, and I appreciate all your comments which I've spent hours reading thru ;) I was asking for opinions and for the most part it was kept civil. I don't mind being called cheap if that's what you think but personal attacks are rude and looking back on old posts was tacky and I appreciate that poster's apology. As was stated here you don't know my situation; you don't know how long I had to save up for that 8,000 trip to WDW which we haven't been to since 1997 or how many extra days I'm working to pay for the 1200 one in Sept which will probably be my last until we have grandkids. You don't know that we had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay for my DD's eye surgery because we didn't have insurance, or see our worn out furniture, peeling walls and ripped carpet because we CHOOSE to spend what we save on family vacations to spend time with each other and not making our house pretty for others for the past 12yrs. You don't know that because it's NOYB, I asked for an opinion on one situation not a commentary on my living style and financial choices. I disagree that anyone hanging out here is planning a trip to WDW, I found this board for our last trip and loved it so much I stuck around (mainly on the Budget board for all the good every day info) all the time thinking I wouldn't be going back to WDW for years if ever.

But back to the focus of this post. Yes it was mainly about SIL planning this and then handing us a bill. And I can assure you that phone call was the 1st my H heard about it because they also talked about his Dad's 80th b-day (they're divorced) which is being celebrated with a special dinner up north at his hunting lodge where we're all invited each summer for whatever time we can get away those 2 weeks he's up there. This dinner is costing us 0 except food contributions. For me the cheap part wasn't the actual $$ for our share but I didn't even spend $1800 on my wedding reception so I think that's alot for a party, your opinions show me it's not and could be worse which I'm grateful for cause now I know. I also do feel the other siblings can better afford this and we really cannot, but put into $10/week gives me a better perspective which is what this board is for. And yes my H does agree with me and is going to talk to his sister that it was tacky and we can't be doing this in the future without being asked if we want to contribute and allowing us to decide what we can afford. As for history between us don't we all have that with inlaws, but I'd have to write a book to fill you in on it all starting with MIL telling my H our wedding day was the worst day of her life (we're actually starting to get along better now) and ending with how we just got everyone to understand that driving 200 miles round trip to every family gathering wasn't possible when they all live in the same city and don't have to drive very far (and never drive up to visit us) when SIL moved back into the state last yr and is now planning something every other month and making a big deal about us going.

Again thank you all very much for your opinions, I have listened and learned and gotten a better perspective on this situation.

Calie

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 09:19 PM
The question was "Is the OP right in being upset about being asked for $200 for a party she didn't plan"...should she feel cheap or tacky ? My answer is neither...none of us know the family dynamics, and IMHO I think expensive parties for 70th, 80th, Bdays, 50th anniversaries are stupid...I take my mom on vacations now, when she can enjoy them...I buy thoughtful gifts and try to take my dad and his girlfriend on vacations...I don't owe anyone anything, and as far as we know the OP doesn't either. If she wants to spend a zillion dollars on her next WDW trip, more power to her...so she says the budget is tight...maybe because of vacation expenses, not my business, not my issue, I don't care.

Well, like I mentioned earlier, we offered my in-laws a nice vacation or a 50th anniversary party...they chose the party hands down. For them it certainly won't be "stupid", it will be a day when they are surrounded by everyone they love to celebrate 50 years together. And you are right, if the OP wants to spend a zillion dollars on a trip to Disney...great, just rethink posting that coming up with $200 is rough when you've just spent 8K on a trip to Disney and mentioned that fact here on several occasions. Or do post that coming up with $200 is tough....just don't expect anyone to really buy that. Again, the SIL probably could have done a better job in the way she approached the OP's DH, but it's awfully tough being the planner for a party when there are just a few people involved in the planning. Involving everyone is sometimes impossible and so decisions are made and requests for $$ are put out there.

Deb & Bill
04-17-2006, 09:21 PM
Hey, dvcgirl, the horse is dead.

dvcgirl
04-17-2006, 09:31 PM
Hey, dvcgirl, the horse is dead.

I was posting at the same time as the OP...didn't see her reply....I agree, this topic is played....

robinb
04-17-2006, 09:36 PM
looking back on old posts was tacky

I'm sorry. I don't think looking at people's other posts is tacky at all. In fact, it is a time-honored DIS activity. I look up the posts of people I don't know well all the time before I give an opinion on something. I looked up yours. I have also tripped over the assumption that everyone who hangs out on the DIS is planning a trip. That's why when someone's question has a financial angle to it (as yours did) I look to see if they have a trip planned. You do. I am still puzzled that you have enough $$ for a return trip to WDW and you don't have enough $$ to contribute to the party. Of course, it's your money and you can spend it any way you want to, but I suspect that your husband's family will feel the same way if you try to tell them you can't afford it.

ETA: I'm also backing out of this thread ...

wide awake
04-17-2006, 09:54 PM
We all have priorities. Mine are my family, and my parents. My in-laws haven't been suportive in any way, money, time, emotional, nada...so yes, coming up w/ $200 would be impossible, given that I would never budget for them in a million years. Trust me, the return is the same...they can't do enough for SIL and her family...they get what they give, that would be a big zero in our case...and it sounds the same in the OP's case. DH realizes it, and laughs when his brother bends over backwards to please his parents...brother is even lower on the totem pole than we are.

calie_j
04-17-2006, 10:00 PM
I'm sorry. I don't think looking at people's other posts is tacky at all. In fact, it is a time-honored DIS activity. I look up the posts of people I don't know well all the time before I give an opinion on something. I looked up yours. I have also tripped over the assumption that everyone who hangs out on the DIS is planning a trip. That's why when someone's question has a financial angle to it (as yours did) I look to see if they have a trip planned. You do. I am still puzzled that you have enough $$ for a return trip to WDW and you don't have enough $$ to contribute to the party. Of course, it's your money and you can spend it any way you want to, but I suspect that your husband's family will feel the same way if you try to tell them you can't afford it.

ETA: I'm also backing out of this thread ...

I'm sorry but I don't see where having a $1200 trip planned has anything to do with having $200 for a party, for all you know I took a 2nd job scrubbing toilets to pay for my return trip which I just stated would be my last for many years. Please assume your time honored Dis-Activity and go look up my original post on this thread. I did NOT say I didn't have enough to contribute, I said $200 was a big deal to us especially when we didn't have a say in how much we were able to give.

Thank you for your opinion, Calie

hellow
04-17-2006, 10:09 PM
As with any of these financial dilemmas, there always seems to be polarized differing views. I am just glad that OP felt safe enough to come back to the thread. I was feeling really bad for her after reading some of the posts.

OP: count me as someone who feels your pain when it comes to family members deciding how to spend your money! :thumbsup2

texasthree
04-17-2006, 10:18 PM
Maybe you could just look at it from the perspective that its for his mother and its not about the SIL. If the mother wanted a party and shes 80 years old, why not give the $200 and wish her the best birthday ever. If you really cant afford the whole amount, give what you can and I am sure they will understand.
She will not be around forever and I am sure shes done enough for your husband in his lifetime to be worth the money.

plummer925
04-18-2006, 05:58 AM
Sure that does not mean that everyone has money to burn if they go to Disney, I know I don't, but really, if someone is truly hard off, I don't imagine that the Disboard would be their hangout.

I am DEFINITELY not trying to stir this, but I just needed to comment. My husband and I ARE truly hard off - we have an income of less than $1000 per month (due to disabilities). BUT...because of the DIS boards, we are able to save SO much money that every 4 or 5 years we can afford to go to Disney - see that my last trip was 3 years ago - we are HOPING to save enough to go in another year or so (we don't have a super lot saved, but we're getting there...we had hoped to go in September of this year for free dining, but canceled the trip when we realized we'd be a couple hundred short).

I just think that was the wrong assumption to make. These boards help me fill my Disney addiction through other people's trips, while encouraging me to keep saving - even if only a few dollars a month...because SOMEDAY I will get back there...

Plus - these ARE the budget boards, and though the majority is Disney related, I have found a LOT of great ideas on how to save money in my everyday life that has enabled me to save more for Disney.

Edited because my spelling stinks! :teeth:

MouseLover
04-18-2006, 06:56 AM
First, nobody should "expect" you to fork over $200 for something without consulting you before making plans. (What if you already bought a $200 gift???)

Second, follow your budget. Since this is the birthday lady's wish, IF you can afford that, go ahead. If it is going to really strain your budget, give what you can. You could say, "I really wish you would have consulted me beforehand. I will be happy to contribute $75 toward the party, but $200 is not in my budget."

Todd&Copper
04-18-2006, 07:33 AM
I would chip in. My grandmother turned 80 when I was still in college (and so was my sister). Each grandkid was expected to give $100, and each kid was giving $500 for grandma to go on a vacation to Branson to see all of the shows there (her dream vacation). I was working part time in a video store and did not have much pocket money. I ate ramen noodles and PB&J's for a while, but grandma isn't getting any younger and she really wanted to go to Branson. I am glad I gave the money b/c she had a wonderful time.

Oreo Cookie
04-18-2006, 09:12 AM
Wow! I think there is more to the story than just the OP's side. I'm sure the SIL thought she was doing a favor by planning the party. It is really hard to coordinate large parties and get everyone involved in planning details.

I think the siblings should have decided on a budget that everyone was comfortable with and then planned the party accordingly. I personally don't believe this issue is about money, but there is a family dynamic with the OP and the SIL that we are not being told about.

Also, I don't think all of the hostility should be towards the SIL since the brother is responsible too. I hate it when everyone always blames the in-laws when their own family is equally responsible. Why didn't the brother contact people and get them involved in the planning and budget aspect of the party?

Also, the OP and her husband don't have to give $200. They could choose not to contribute to the party and opt to give a separate gift to his mom. The party can just be from the other siblings.

kizmac
04-18-2006, 09:21 AM
I am DEFINITELY not trying to stir this, but I just needed to comment. My husband and I ARE truly hard off - we have an income of less than $1000 per month (due to disabilities). BUT...because of the DIS boards, we are able to save SO much money that every 4 or 5 years we can afford to go to Disney - see that my last trip was 3 years ago - we are HOPING to save enough to go in another year or so (we don't have a super lot saved, but we're getting there...we had hoped to go in September of this year for free dining, but canceled the trip when we realized we'd be a couple hundred short).

I just think that was the wrong assumption to make. These boards help me fill my Disney addiction through other people's trips, while encouraging me to keep saving - even if only a few dollars a month...because SOMEDAY I will get back there...

Plus - these ARE the budget boards, and though the majority is Disney related, I have found a LOT of great ideas on how to save money in my everyday life that has enabled me to save more for Disney.

Edited because my spelling stinks! :teeth:

Ok, I was done with this thread but I will comment. First of all, it was MY assumption and I didn't say it was fact. Second, I guess what we all consider truly hard off can be quite subjective. In my opinion, and YES that is only an opinion and it is mine alone... no matter what your income is, if you manage to save money to go to Disney even every 4 or so years, pay for internet service, own a computer etc....is that truly hard off? :confused3 Sure you may not have a lot of money, and be someone who drives a used car and lives on a strict budget just to make ends meet. Yes there are a ton of people on the DIS like that and I'm one of them, but I would not call someone like that truly hard off in my mind.

I'm not saying you are not hard off. If you feel you are then you must be. I won't argue what your opinion of "truly hard off" is, because not everyones opinion is the same. When I made the comment, my view of that was someone that can't pay the bills or feed their family. :hippie: JMHO

Oh, and I wanted to add that you and your husband are very gifted photographers! I checked out your homepage.....beautiful work. You both have such wonderful educational degrees and talent. It must be awesome to travel to all those beautiful places. I would love to see some Disney pictures for sale if you have any.

MinnieMe2
04-18-2006, 10:07 AM
Heck, I spent almost $200 on Easter, between food and little gifts. I say pay the $200, relax and go to the party. You're not only getting out of this cheap, you don't have any work to do!!!!

simpilotswife
04-18-2006, 10:15 AM
Maybe you could just look at it from the perspective that its for his mother and its not about the SIL. If the mother wanted a party and shes 80 years old, why not give the $200 and wish her the best birthday ever. If you really cant afford the whole amount, give what you can and I am sure they will understand.
She will not be around forever and I am sure shes done enough for your husband in his lifetime to be worth the money.
::yes:: ::yes::

jennilouwho
04-18-2006, 10:46 AM
This post just made me grateful that my family and DH's family are a simple, cake and ice cream kind of people! My word! That's how much our wedding cost! My grandma would have a cow if she knew we were spending almost $2000 on a birthday party for her. Anyway, you should probably just suck it up and pay, but I do think it's a bit much to ask, personally.....

kmebee
04-18-2006, 10:51 AM
I haven't read every single post on here but let me say this...
Last year DFi family had a 50th anniv party for his parents. They began planning (had meetings to discuss all financial matters, where, when, whats) this party almost a year in advance. One sib out of 6 decided not to attend any of these meetings. Then when they decided everything and everyone agreed on how much each was to pitch in, this sib said "no, i wasn't included in the planning and i will only give $x and no more". Well, $x wasn't close to what the others pitched in. It has now caused MAJOR rifts in the family. This sib has NO PROBLEM contributing to things when it is for his inlaws but for his own parents, not so much. These are the people that brought you into this world and took care of you. Some people (as others have stated) aren't lucky enough to have their parents around any longer. Maybe the sister was wrong in planning everything and then asking for the money but if this is what Mom really wants then how can you deny her that? Don't cause problems and heartache this late in life. Enjoy it while you can. I know I wish I still had my dad to enjoy things like this with. Fortunately, I still have DMom and I do as much for her and with her as I can. Sometimes we learn lessons too late and then regret them. Just my .02

plummer925
04-18-2006, 11:07 AM
Oh, and I wanted to add that you and your husband are very gifted photographers! I checked out your homepage.....beautiful work. You both have such wonderful educational degrees and talent. It must be awesome to travel to all those beautiful places. I would love to see some Disney pictures for sale if you have any.

Thank you! :teeth: We're both working hard at building the photo business so we *can* make more money and get off the disability (my husband's has both a hearing disability and a wrist problem so photography doesn't, thankfully, agitate either, and my disability is an anxiety disorder that has to do with social situations that as long as DH is with me, I'm fine...so, self employment works, but a "regular" job doesn't). We've done okay so far - mailnly selling at art shows and such. We do not have many Disney pictures, which is one of the reasons we were hoping to quickly get back there as we think that Disney pictures would have a market! :)

Thank you again for the compliment - we both appreicate it!!

abcboys
04-18-2006, 11:24 AM
I don't have anything creative to add but I have to agree with jennilou....What's wrong with a simple party? $200 IS a lot of money and almost $2000 for a party? Good grief....A potluck dinner with rental of a hall would be a ton cheaper....this is the budget board, right?

kizmac
04-18-2006, 11:35 AM
Thank you! :teeth: We're both working hard at building the photo business so we *can* make more money and get off the disability (my husband's has both a hearing disability and a wrist problem so photography doesn't, thankfully, agitate either, and my disability is an anxiety disorder that has to do with social situations that as long as DH is with me, I'm fine...so, self employment works, but a "regular" job doesn't). We've done okay so far - mailnly selling at art shows and such. We do not have many Disney pictures, which is one of the reasons we were hoping to quickly get back there as we think that Disney pictures would have a market! :)

Thank you again for the compliment - we both appreicate it!!

Oh they certainly would have a market! I hope your business does good. You should really put a link in your signature so more people can view it. My DH worked with someone that sold photos on the net and he did pretty well and with not near the talent you both have. I love taking pictures but it takes a special eye to capture things in that beautiful way. I don't have that talent that's for sure. Good luck.

MUFFYCAT
04-18-2006, 12:56 PM
OP here, and I appreciate all your comments which I've spent hours reading thru ;) As was stated here you don't know my situation; you don't know how long I had to save up for that 8,000 trip to WDW which we haven't been to since 1997 or how many extra days I'm working to pay for the 1200 one in Sept which will probably be my last until we have grandkids.

Calie


:rolleyes1 I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

mickeyfan2
04-18-2006, 01:45 PM
:rolleyes1 I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.
From what I read the family went in 2005 and she got an AP. The AP is what she is using to make the case with DH to let her go again in September.

MissKIA
04-18-2006, 03:03 PM
They should have asked everyone what they felt comfortable spending. Not everyone has equal amounts of disposible cash! I do think you should pitch in, but let them know your feelings and that you would appreciate some input next time!

HappyLawyer
04-18-2006, 03:39 PM
first let me say that nobody can judge your pockets by their own, if 200 is really more then what you can afford, let them know, tell them hey i do not have 200 but i have 100 or what ever your can pitch in, i have a sister who is well, she is rich, famous, million dollar house, cars etc, when we have family functions or need to pitch in, she does it and tells everyone to give what they can.

If you can swing the 200 but if not do what you can afford, talk to your spouse and get their point of view

Good luck

DVC Sadie
04-18-2006, 06:33 PM
Maybe you could just look at it from the perspective that its for his mother and its not about the SIL. If the mother wanted a party and shes 80 years old, why not give the $200 and wish her the best birthday ever. If you really cant afford the whole amount, give what you can and I am sure they will understand.
She will not be around forever and I am sure shes done enough for your husband in his lifetime to be worth the money.


Great post! :thumbsup2 Sometimes we have to just do the right thing. Even if a person doesn't get along with a MIL (or any IL) the love I have for my dh is worth the money.

NJOYURLIFE
04-18-2006, 09:17 PM
Great post! :thumbsup2 Sometimes we have to just do the right thing. Even if a person doesn't get along with a MIL (or any IL) the love I have for my dh is worth the money.

I couldn't agree more and even if the mother in law hasn't done anything recently or even during the marriage, she was there for the husband through his formative years.

I think what you both did was cheesy. Your SIL was wrong in asking for a specific amount without consulting your husband (although she may have been asking and by your comments you put your husband on the defensive).

I know I absolutely hate when my husband makes comments when I am on the phone especially when he is only hearing one side of a conversation. I also hate when he treats his inlaws one way and then expects me to treat my inlaws differently.

rogerram
04-18-2006, 10:59 PM
the point is, if they truly can not afford the $200, then you can't give it. The sil was completely rude for not consulting everyone first before making plans. Every family funtion we have that involves paying any money is talked about before we commit to anything. Then we agree to what will be done.That is common courtesy. It is not an issue of doing this for your MIL, but a rude relative not doing things properly. That is the point made by the op.

Kimberlyfamilyfv
04-18-2006, 11:17 PM
well at least you didn't show up for the fourth of July and be told in front of every body that your dad has been married for 2 and a half years and be the butt of everybody's jokes for the rest of the day. I don't know what my father was thinking keeping my sisters and I in the dark, the lady he married is very nice and we welcomed her from the first time we met. But to have grandma,grandpa, aunts, uncles , and cousins know when we didn't was very humilating.

to original OP I too have SIL that does the same thing. I have to plan for every expense and my husbands wages are salary. My ability to hand over two hundred dollars for something I had not budgeted for would make it difficult for us. And no one is going to hand me a bill and expect me to pay it when I was not part of the planning. If I was to go into a collective agreement with inlaws for party I would pay my share if given enough time to budget it or make payment arrangements somehow.

OP just do what is in your ability to do, accept your limits, and speak up for yourself in cases like this, the others had their vote and you are only asking for the same consideration.

Kimberly

calie_j
04-19-2006, 12:06 AM
:rolleyes1 I saw it last yr and the word that came to mind was cheesy. I definately wouldn't go out of my way to see it and wouldn't go at all unless I was combining watching it with Wishes which is well worth the time to see from the Poly beach.

Calie

What's the story? You posted above on another thread.


was in 1997 of 2005 your last trip??
if you can go to WDW you can surely pay $200 for your parents 80th birthday.

what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

In 1997 H & I took our 2 boys to WDW, they were ages 6 & 7. Our DD was @ 9 months old and stayed with grandma (my mom). We drove with another guy & his son who shares the same b-day as our youngest splitting the cost of gas and the off site condo. We spent 4 days at WDW, one at each park, and I didn't know anything about character meals or the other extra things. Then our family spent 2 nights on Ormand beach while our friend visited his mom. I really can't tell you how much that trip cost us but it wasn't much.

Yes the big $8,000 trip was last year in 2005. I went WAY overboard with that one which I thought was DD's turn for her once in a lifetime trip to WDW now that she was old enough. We went the week after Thanksgiving which also included DD's 8th b-day. I found the Dis and did a ton of research, found all the extras, learned about staying onsite. I got an AP for myself for discounts on the room & the DDE card. We were going to stay at CSR 3 nights & 4 at the Poly but when my eldest son was able to go with us (we couldn't leave the boys home just cause they went once) we switched to the Poly for the whole week, did MVMCP, 3 character meals & alot of other TS. My Disney Visa rewards were $515 which paid for most of 2 nights at the Poly. We flew down on Thanksgiving and stayed with my sister, who I haven't seen in 5 yrs, til we checked into WDW on Sunday for a week. We have never spent that much on a vacation EVER, but I don't regret it a bit because it was a very special trip for us all and made DD's 8th b-day one she will never forget and our vacation savings account paid off everything as it was charged to our card (when I saw we might be short I picked up an extra day at work every other week from July until our trip).

I really thought that was it for WDW, all our kids had gone at the perfect age and the boys had now been twice. But Disney fever caught me & I have an AP burning a hole in my desk drawer. When free dining came out I toyed with the idea again; talked to a friend to make it even cheaper by sharing the room & driving but she didn't have the money. Yes, I admit I succumbed to the temptation 2 weeks after free dining was announced and priced a trip for DD & I to go back in Sept. It will be $1243 including air. The only extras are upgrading DD's 1 day pass which she is paying for out of her money and tips. We don't need souvenirs and will only use the dining plan to eat without extras. I am probably the most surprised person that my H agreed to let us go back. But believe me I will be paying for this trip all year by picking up extra hours at work again until I've earned enough to pay for this entire trip by myself.

It makes me sad that my willingness to do extra work to go back to WDW on a budget trip or that we saved up for a very special splurge trip makes people assume that paying for these trips were easy. Just because I am willing to put in the extra hours to pay for a trip for DD & I does that mean I need to work more hours to pay for MIL's party? Would you work an extra 23 hours over the next few months for that, because that is what I make $9/hour? Yes I know it's H's mom and some will say he should put in the extra hours, I agree and actually so does he........except he also said he'd get a side job to pay half for a xmas present I really wanted (that I'm not saying what it is in fear of being flamed again). It is now April and I have worked extra hours all year and have my half earned, he has not done anything towards his half.

Sorry for the long post and sharing so much which will probably be looked up on me to use against me in another post :sad2:

Again I really appreciate all the honest opinions given and the support & understanding from most of the replies. It has given me alot to think about, a new appreciation for family, knowledge I didn't have about what a party costs & how other families do these things and even that 80 is a milestone (I thought 75 would have been the one), a different perspective on the situation, & the most helpful BUDGET advice of breaking it down to a weekly amount. And of course a lesson learned on the value of lurking more & posting less.

Good-night, Calie

Lisa loves Pooh
04-19-2006, 06:29 AM
what goes around comes around. when you're that age, expect your child
not to do anything for you.

Where did it say she was doing absolutely NOTHING for the parent?

:confused3

crisi
04-19-2006, 10:07 AM
So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

kfeuer
04-19-2006, 10:37 AM
So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

:thumbsup2 I think the above is spot-on. I also agree that free dining isn't that great a deal if you're on a tight budget. I know on our last trip we came out so much cheaper staying offsite even though we ate one sit-down meal at Disney every day (which is something we could easily cut back on if on a tight budget, but that we enjoy doing when possible).

calie_j
04-19-2006, 11:10 AM
I get your point about creating family conflict and how they will look at it. In some ways I'm as guilty of judging them with their $200,000 plus houses, new furniture, & designer clothes as they are guilty of judging our vacations without looking at our 30,000 house with hand me down furniture that's falling apart and Target wardrobe (not including the 2 brothers who own their own plane of course :rotfl2: ) We all have our different priorities.

It really does come down to a choice of what are you willing to give up to pay for this party OR what are you willing to do to earn extra for this bill (but not just me this question needs to be asked of H which I am working on right now). And yes you are right that "I" think a vacation with DD is more important than a party for MIL. Frankly I don't think "I" should be the only one or even the main one who has to sacrifice or put in extra hours for H's family. Nope I'm not willing to give up my budget trip for his mother, if I gave it up I sure wouldn't be motivated to work extra hours to come up with money for this like I would for my vacation and I would be resentful about it. But I am willing to make it even cheaper by using my refillable mug from my last vacation, finding a family of 4 to share our value room and bringing sleeping bags, selling my child dining credits to another adult and paying OOP for DD from that which should still net a profit, and not tipping housekeeping. I'm sure I could come up with $200 from those savings :rotfl2:

YES I AM KIDDING, this thread isn't about my relationship with the inlaws or our financial situation or lifestyle choices. It was about someone else making a decision on how to spend our money and thinking 1800 was an awful lot for a party, I didn't spend that much on my wedding & reception combined and I wouldn't let anyone spend that amount of money on a b-day or anniversary party for me ever because I think it's wasteful. To each their own and I'm sure many think spending money on vacations is wasteful but would spend it on parties, or like our family think nothing of spending $ on designer clothes (a 10 yr old niece who will only wear Victoria Secret undies :sad2: ) and keeping a fancy house but think vacations are wasteful and assume it's always big bucks if you go anywhere (my FIL would never believe a family could go to WDW for less then $2000 but I've seen many on this board who have).

Thank you for your opinion, I get what you're saying and creating a confict is a very valid point. We'll figure out how to pay our share that will work best for H & I that won't cause a conflict between us in exchange for not creating a conflict with family.

Calie

So I will chime in with a different perspective.

I think that your sister in law was tacky, unless you husband knew about this before and is now letting her take the blame for his complacence. However....

What I hear is that a second trip within a year to WDW is more important to you than your husband's family. And while that may be true (I have the world's worst ex-mother-in-law, so I can completely understand not getting along with your husband's family - not kidding, while I was married, still living with him, and unaware there were problems, they took his girlfriend on vacation with them and left me behind), it is not something that your husband's family will want to hear. And they will. "We are too broke to chip in $200" followed several months later with "DD and I went to Disney" translates easily to "I'd rather go on vacation for the second time in a year than help you celebrate this birthday."

I also have the world's worst ex-sister in law - my husband's brother's ex-wife - who made similar claims to what you are claiming - crying poverty when it came to buying my kids a Christmas gift, but flying in with arms loaded with presents for her own nephew and spending like a drunken sailor on herself. I completely support her efforts to be frugal - my kid's didn't need any more presents and they'd gotten themselves in dire financial straights - but I can't support the hypocracy of her claiming being broke when it comes to my kids, and then spending money elsewhere. Simply say "your kids aren't that important to me, that isn't where I choose to spend my money." Or live up to your statement - "we are really broke, we aren't spending any money we don't have to." We all had a party when he divorced her - and the divorce was not in a small part due to him realizing that it was all about what was important to her, and not what was important to him, or the people around him - something we realized long before (and as a result, we became no friends to their marriage). He made the compromises ("we are broke, we won't visit my family this year or send presents"), she didn't.

Only you know your family situation and how much conflict saying no will cause in your family. In my experience, the conflict would be worth cancelling the Disney trip and just paying the $200. It isn't a good idea to let your immediate inlaws know you are too selfish to make reasonable sacrifices on their behalf. Or doing the Disney trip even cheaper - an offsite hotel or condo via priceline, meals in the room - you can take $200 off your trip easily and still get a second use out of those APs. Free dining isn't that great of a deal.

dvcgirl
04-19-2006, 11:46 AM
YES I AM KIDDING, this thread isn't about my relationship with the inlaws or our financial situation or lifestyle choices. It was about someone else making a decision on how to spend our money and thinking 1800 was an awful lot for a party, I didn't spend that much on my wedding & reception combined and I wouldn't let anyone spend that amount of money on a b-day or anniversary party for me ever because I think it's wasteful. To each their own and I'm sure many think spending money on vacations is wasteful but would spend it on parties, or like our family think nothing of spending $ on designer clothes (a 10 yr old niece who will only wear Victoria Secret undies :sad2: ) and keeping a fancy house but think vacations are wasteful and assume it's always big bucks if you go anywhere (my FIL would never believe a family could go to WDW for less then $2000 but I've seen many on this board who have).

Thank you for your opinion, I get what you're saying and creating a confict is a very valid point. We'll figure out how to pay our share that will work best for H & I that won't cause a conflict between us in exchange for not creating a conflict with family.

Calie

Well, family issues are always challenging, and I think this one is much more about family than it is about money. However, your posts are sort of interesting. On one hand you find that $200,000 is a lot for a home, which is actually below the median price of homes across the country. You also think that $1,800 is a lot for a major party and is wasteful. However, you actually spent $8,000 on a week at WDW. And that's a pretty big number. I'm not judging that decision...to each his own. But most people I know who would think that 200K is a fancy house or $1,800 is more than they spent on their wedding and reception would never in a million years blow 8K on a one week vacation.

I probably will spend 8K on a week's vacation in the future, but to date, we haven't. And my house is worth far more than 200K and I spent oodles more on my wedding than $1,800....and even I think 8K is a lot to spend on a one week vacation. I think the vacation element you bring up is a valid point. While I have heard many people say that a vacation is a "Must Have" in their lives, but a vacation could simply be time off from work spent at home. Any vacation where money spent is typically viewed as a somewhat of a luxury because most people think of vacations as an "extra". Something you do with extra money, after all of your other obligations are met. A vacation to WDW is likely to be viewed as a slurge, and an expensive vacation to WDW is a big splurge. This is where you could run into trouble with the in-laws....

I read another post in this thread from a person who is on disability and they bring in 1,000 a month. She said that to her $200 really is a big deal (now *that* I get), and that they come here to read about WDW, get budget ideas...and go ever 4 years or so. But someone like that, at least in my mind, would take that trip as frugally as they possibly could. I don't know too many people who would save for nine years and then just totally blow it out with the idea that it's a once in a lifetime....never to be taken again. I just find the idea of that interesting I guess.

Of course, not that any of this matters, and you certainly owe no explanation to me or anyone else here, but I just don't know anyone like you who can profess to be very frugal in one regard and then take a high-end vacation in another regard. I guess it is possible though...I'm sure that there are folks who live fairly frugal existences and then just blow it out on vacation. I just don't know how to do this...I'd have to change who I am. If you give a really frugal person 8K, I bet that they'll figure out a way to take 4 one week trips to WDW.

patsal
04-19-2006, 12:48 PM
Think about what you were planning on doing for this--is it going to mean you have to scrimp to get by? If you always budget $25. for a birthday gift and they are telling you to pitch in $200 try to put together what you can. I know I budget $50 for parent birthdays and $25 for all other out of the house, so if someone told me to pitch in $200 it would be a stretch for the budget. If you can make it work give it, if you can't give what you can and don't worry about it. The worse that will happen is that everyone will talk about you as being cheap--if that doesn't bother you than do what you have to do. For me, as far as talking about me goes, I don't worry about it since if they are talking about me and I don't care then they can't be talking about someone it might bother! :confused3

crisi
04-19-2006, 01:20 PM
I which case, should you decide not to contribute, I'd encourage you to be honest in your response "our money is already committed elsewhere, we choose not to participate." Don't claim broke and then take a vacation. Certainly don't claim broke if they've ever heard any of the details of your last splurge. At least that way you will be defending your choice from an honest position, rather than one that leaves you defensive about your trips.

Oh, and make sure your husband is 100% on board if you choose not to participate. Not doing the "just getting along" thing husbands can be very good at. HE is going to bear the disapprobriation of his family. HE is going to have to be the one's that listen to them tell him how selfish you are. They are your inlaws, but his family, and if he doesn't completely agree with your position, it will be much harder on your relationship. In fact, HE needs to be the one to deliver the message and to defend it.

nbodyhome
04-19-2006, 01:32 PM
Just because I am willing to put in the extra hours to pay for a trip for DD & I does that mean I need to work more hours to pay for MIL's party? Would you work an extra 23 hours over the next few months for that, because that is what I make $9/hour?

If you are asking if over about a 4 month period of time, I'd put in 5 extra hours or so a month to make a very special day for my MIL or my mom, or anyone in my family, then yes - I'd do that. Or my husband could do it, he makes more money so it'd take him much less time.

I wish I'd done more for my grandmother. You'd mentioned spending $8000 as a once-in-a-lifetime trip to make your daughter happy. For only $200.00, you can share in the same experience for your MIL. We are planning to do Europe this year (on a budget, even moreso than last time). I invited my MIL, she probably wouldn't come - but some of that would have come from the money I make. And that would have been fine, even if I'd had to work a bit more.

Oreo Cookie
04-19-2006, 01:57 PM
I which case, should you decide not to contribute, I'd encourage you to be honest in your response "our money is already committed elsewhere, we choose not to participate." Don't claim broke and then take a vacation. Certainly don't claim broke if they've ever heard any of the details of your last splurge. At least that way you will be defending your choice from an honest position, rather than one that leaves you defensive about your trips.

Oh, and make sure your husband is 100% on board if you choose not to participate. Not doing the "just getting along" thing husbands can be very good at. HE is going to bear the disapprobriation of his family. HE is going to have to be the one's that listen to them tell him how selfish you are. They are your inlaws, but his family, and if he doesn't completely agree with your position, it will be much harder on your relationship. In fact, HE needs to be the one to deliver the message and to defend it.


I agree 100%.

It is the OP's husband's responsibility to tell his family their decision and why. The MIL's 80th birthday should be a big celebration of her life, not a dispute over a few dollars, which is what it is when you read the OPs answers. I understand the OP opinion regarding the SIL and how she handled the situation, and I agree that the SIL was inconsiderate, but why make the MIL and the rest of the family pay by being involved in such petty behavior. Also, why put the husband in that situation.

My mom passes away two years ago, and I wish I could be planning an 80th birthday party, regardless of the cost. Instead I can go and pay my respects on that day.

I love my inlaws, they are fantastic people and I would do anything for them, but I was raised that family always stayed together and did things together. Even if I wasn't close to them, they raised a wonderful son who is my loving husband, so I would honor them for that.

I think the OP should just remove herself from the situation and let her husband make the decision and tell his family.

mickeyfan2
04-19-2006, 02:01 PM
I may have missed the answer to this question. OP does your DH want to contribute the $200, something less or no at all. All we have heard is what you want, but he does have a say.

calie_j
04-19-2006, 02:05 PM
It is a very interesting perspective you bring up. To me 200,000 for a house is alot for a home and out of reach tho I do know that's a fairly normal price especially in the city. We live in a rural community where the median price of a house is probably 80,000 and of course wages to match that. I'd love to own a house like yours but at the same time I wouldn't trade it for the small town & good schools while my children are growing up; not that city schools & neighborhoods are bad this is just my preference for our family in our state at this time.

I well know the prejudices against vacations as luxuries; there's plenty of threads on the boards about "how do you handle people who roll their eyes at another trip to WDW" & "what do you sacrifice to go to WDW". As my sister pointed out to me years ago, she prefers to spend her extra money on furniture & decorating & cars & clothes and I prefer to spend the extra on trips. Nothing wrong with that if you realize that these inlaws spend their extra $ on the same thing my sister does yet aren't as understanding with our priorities of vacations coming over "things". I don't normally talk about our vacations with the inlaws, they wouldn't be excited for us anyways and we really don't see them that often for it to come up. I'm sure they know where we go but it's left to their own imaginations what we spend since that seems like an inappropriate topic of conversation.

Sorry, this all is off topic from the post I just find it interesting to ponder on different people's views & perspectives. It gives me a better understanding of the differences in us all :)

Well, family issues are always challenging, and I think this one is much more about family than it is about money. However, your posts are sort of interesting. On one hand you find that $200,000 is a lot for a home, which is actually below the median price of homes across the country. You also think that $1,800 is a lot for a major party and is wasteful. However, you actually spent $8,000 on a week at WDW. And that's a pretty big number. I'm not judging that decision...to each his own. But most people I know who would think that 200K is a fancy house or $1,800 is more than they spent on their wedding and reception would never in a million years blow 8K on a one week vacation.

I probably will spend 8K on a week's vacation in the future, but to date, we haven't. And my house is worth far more than 200K and I spent oodles more on my wedding than $1,800....and even I think 8K is a lot to spend on a one week vacation. I think the vacation element you bring up is a valid point. While I have heard many people say that a vacation is a "Must Have" in their lives, but a vacation could simply be time off from work spent at home. Any vacation where money spent is typically viewed as a somewhat of a luxury because most people think of vacations as an "extra". Something you do with extra money, after all of your other obligations are met. A vacation to WDW is likely to be viewed as a slurge, and an expensive vacation to WDW is a big splurge. This is where you could run into trouble with the in-laws....

I read another post in this thread from a person who is on disability and they bring in 1,000 a month. She said that to her $200 really is a big deal (now *that* I get), and that they come here to read about WDW, get budget ideas...and go ever 4 years or so. But someone like that, at least in my mind, would take that trip as frugally as they possibly could. I don't know too many people who would save for nine years and then just totally blow it out with the idea that it's a once in a lifetime....never to be taken again. I just find the idea of that interesting I guess.

Of course, not that any of this matters, and you certainly owe no explanation to me or anyone else here, but I just don't know anyone like you who can profess to be very frugal in one regard and then take a high-end vacation in another regard. I guess it is possible though...I'm sure that there are folks who live fairly frugal existences and then just blow it out on vacation. I just don't know how to do this...I'd have to change who I am. If you give a really frugal person 8K, I bet that they'll figure out a way to take 4 one week trips to WDW.

calie_j
04-19-2006, 02:21 PM
I may have missed the answer to this question. OP does your DH want to contribute the $200, something less or no at all. All we have heard is what you want, but he does have a say.

Now that would be an entirely different thread :rotfl2: He agrees that it was tacky of his sister and he will talk to her about this not happening in the future. For the record WE WILL CONTRIBUTE OUR SHARE, it just won't be at my sacrifice for his family while H does nothing which I think would be unfair to me & DD. If that makes me petty and selfish so be it, but that is between H & I how we will work this out. So please don't flame me for this, you don't know how many sacrifices I've made over the years before I drew the line either and I really don't want to go there.

Calie

mickeyfan2
04-19-2006, 02:26 PM
He agrees that it was tacky of his sister and he will talk to her about this not happening in the future. For the record WE WILL CONTRIBUTE OUR SHARE, it just won't be at my sacrifice for his family while H does nothing which I think would be unfair to me & DD.
No I don't see this as selfish. I am glad you are contributing and telling the SIL never to do this again. I also think that your DH should work extra to pay most if not all of the cost. No you and DD should not be the only ones to give up something for this.

kizmac
04-19-2006, 04:34 PM
Now that would be an entirely different thread :rotfl2: He agrees that it was tacky of his sister and he will talk to her about this not happening in the future. For the record WE WILL CONTRIBUTE OUR SHARE, it just won't be at my sacrifice for his family while H does nothing which I think would be unfair to me & DD. If that makes me petty and selfish so be it, but that is between H & I how we will work this out. So please don't flame me for this, you don't know how many sacrifices I've made over the years before I drew the line either and I really don't want to go there.

Calie

Does he think it's tacky because you told him it was? I do not think what SIL did was wrong, but that's just me and that's not knowing how it was actually communicated. I think since you have decided to contribute, the best thing for all involved is to say no more about it. Let SIL know when you'll have the $200 and move on towards thinking about what you'll wear to the big event. I think you need to look beyond your SIL's lifestyle. This is not about her or your H's other siblings, it is about your MIL. I understand you have issues with her and I know how that goes. There is no great love between me and my MIL so I totally understand. As a mom though I can respect the relationship between MIL and DH. One thing my MIL has taught me over the years is how not to act when I am a MIL. So, in the end it's all good. God is just preparing me for the 4 DIL's I will have someday, so there is a reason for the madness. :crazy:

Anyhow, I'm sure DH will come up with the money and your trip won't be affected so just let it go, so that no more bad feelings are created over a celebration. Besides, I doubt there will be many more big parties for MIL that SIL will be calling about. I do hope for your sake that MIL has prearranged funeral plans. I'm being serious because that is one thing to consider.

Newfie2000
04-19-2006, 07:21 PM
I'd just like to share a story that happened to me which just might help you put some of this in perspective. About six years ago my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. I have one older sibling who lives out of state whom I knew would not make the effort to attend. So my husband and I approached him (he is single) and asked what his input was on the whole ordeal. He said that he definitely felt a celebration was in order. I had just started a life with my new husband and to be honest money was very tight. In all fairness I must add that my brother is about 12 years my senior and has decided by his own choice to live life pretty much day by day and thus is self-employed - so I know that money is also always an issue with him too. In talking with him we decided that the best way we could afford to honor Mom and Dad's special day was to invite all of our closest relatives only and take everybody out to a nice dinner and pick up the bar and food tab. We also decided to get a cake and bring it along. My brother and I decided JOINTLY that I would plan this and he would share the costs. Okay, so inviatations go out that borther/sister are holding a dinner in honer of, yada yada. Now the day finally arrives and that day I receive a check in the mail for $20.00. This amount does not even cover the cost of the cake we ordered from their favorite bakery. Now... what am I suppose to do? It is obvious that my husband and I are stuck with the tab yet the brother is sharing the credit! Should I make a point of announcing this to the 20 family members present? I chose not to, rather I just bit the bullet than cause either myself, my brother or my parents any embarrasement. (I think it was bad enough that their own son did not show!). That night after shelling out several hundreds of dollars that I really did not have to spend I decided that I would never go on another joint adventure again. I felt had by my own sibling! That is an awful feeling. I never brought the issue up but in a future conversation with my brother made a point of telling him just how much the day had cost me. It is years later and I will be honest... the issue has been left well enough alone, I get along great with my brother... but will never ever stick my neck out financially for him again! If the occasion or need arises I discuss costs with him down to the exact penny and make sure I get a check well in advance of any planning. After all it was I that put the thought and planning and effort into this and even not that was given any due credit. So in some ways I can relate to both sides of the story... but ultimately although I do not necessarily think things in your situation were handled the best way possible I say kick the $200.00 in... it might hurt your pocket book briefly but in the long run it will be well worth it! Afterwards you can always lay down your terms for any future "contributions"!

disneynewbee
04-19-2006, 11:31 PM
I cannot believe someone would suggest for op to cancel her trip and disappoint her dd to give 200 towards a party for someone she does not really care for. It's her dh's mom and his responsibility to come up with the money for the party. If he doesn't want to or chooses not to he should let the family know but op should not be expected to give up a trip she has worked hard for to give towards this. I just cannot believe some of these responses. She is taking a trip to make memories with her dd give that up for a mil she doesn't like HECK NO. I like my mil so I would give money for a party for her but if I did not like her I would never work extra hours for a party for her. It is her dhs responsibility not hers. Besides she has planned and budgeted for the vacation now someone just pops up and wants money without any prior information and she is just supposed to give up her hard earned money no way. If the family says something about her not contributing but taking a vacation she can simply explain that the trip was planned and budgeted for and that she was not prepared for an expense not in her budget and was not given enough notice. If they don't like it so what. If her dh was unable to work due to disability or something fine but he is a capable person and able to earn the money himself so she should not have to work extra hours for this. Op I hope you have a great time in disney and that you and your dd build lots of happy memories.

nbodyhome
04-20-2006, 07:26 AM
I guess I missed the part where the OP doesn't like the MIL at all?

I don't think it matters who pitches the money in - there was plenty of heads up (it wasn't like "oh, please pay tomorrow"), and they could certainly turn it down if they chose to for whatever reason. While his sister was on the phone, H could have said "let me talk with my wife, and we'll see what we can do for the party". The $200.00 sounds reasonable to me, and I think each person has to make sure on their conscience if it was worth it. If MIL passed away right after the party, would you be okay with the fact that you didn't pay the $200? I am serious, I can't think about my grandmother without thinking that I should have spent a little more time and a little more money on her. She wasn't the nicest person to be around, but she was my grandma. She remembered our birthdays, and our anniversaries, and Christmas, and I should have done more (I think overall that time is much more important than money).

patsal
04-20-2006, 07:58 AM
I'd just like to share a story that happened to me which just might help you put some of this in perspective. About six years ago my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. I have one older sibling who lives out of state whom I knew would not make the effort to attend. So my husband and I approached him (he is single) and asked what his input was on the whole ordeal. He said that he definitely felt a celebration was in order. I had just started a life with my new husband and to be honest money was very tight. In all fairness I must add that my brother is about 12 years my senior and has decided by his own choice to live life pretty much day by day and thus is self-employed - so I know that money is also always an issue with him too. In talking with him we decided that the best way we could afford to honor Mom and Dad's special day was to invite all of our closest relatives only and take everybody out to a nice dinner and pick up the bar and food tab. We also decided to get a cake and bring it along. My brother and I decided JOINTLY that I would plan this and he would share the costs. Okay, so inviatations go out that borther/sister are holding a dinner in honer of, yada yada. Now the day finally arrives and that day I receive a check in the mail for $20.00. This amount does not even cover the cost of the cake we ordered from their favorite bakery. Now... what am I suppose to do? It is obvious that my husband and I are stuck with the tab yet the brother is sharing the credit! Should I make a point of announcing this to the 20 family members present? I chose not to, rather I just bit the bullet than cause either myself, my brother or my parents any embarrasement. (I think it was bad enough that their own son did not show!). That night after shelling out several hundreds of dollars that I really did not have to spend I decided that I would never go on another joint adventure again. I felt had by my own sibling! That is an awful feeling. I never brought the issue up but in a future conversation with my brother made a point of telling him just how much the day had cost me. It is years later and I will be honest... the issue has been left well enough alone, I get along great with my brother... but will never ever stick my neck out financially for him again! If the occasion or need arises I discuss costs with him down to the exact penny and make sure I get a check well in advance of any planning. After all it was I that put the thought and planning and effort into this and even not that was given any due credit. So in some ways I can relate to both sides of the story... but ultimately although I do not necessarily think things in your situation were handled the best way possible I say kick the $200.00 in... it might hurt your pocket book briefly but in the long run it will be well worth it! Afterwards you can always lay down your terms for any future "contributions"!

Yes but there is a difference here. In your case you conferred with your brother and he agreed then stiffed you. In the op's case she and her H never agreeed, they were just told what was expected of them. No one has the right to set up financial expectaions of you that you do not agree with. Not so much an issue of like MIL or don't like MIL as it is 1. her H's responsibility and 2. no one else has the right to spend your hard earned money or tell you you need to give up something to cover what they consider your share.

dvcgirl
04-20-2006, 08:33 AM
It is a very interesting perspective you bring up. To me 200,000 for a house is alot for a home and out of reach tho I do know that's a fairly normal price especially in the city. We live in a rural community where the median price of a house is probably 80,000 and of course wages to match that. I'd love to own a house like yours but at the same time I wouldn't trade it for the small town & good schools while my children are growing up; not that city schools & neighborhoods are bad this is just my preference for our family in our state at this time.

I well know the prejudices against vacations as luxuries; there's plenty of threads on the boards about "how do you handle people who roll their eyes at another trip to WDW" & "what do you sacrifice to go to WDW". As my sister pointed out to me years ago, she prefers to spend her extra money on furniture & decorating & cars & clothes and I prefer to spend the extra on trips. Nothing wrong with that if you realize that these inlaws spend their extra $ on the same thing my sister does yet aren't as understanding with our priorities of vacations coming over "things". I don't normally talk about our vacations with the inlaws, they wouldn't be excited for us anyways and we really don't see them that often for it to come up. I'm sure they know where we go but it's left to their own imaginations what we spend since that seems like an inappropriate topic of conversation.

Sorry, this all is off topic from the post I just find it interesting to ponder on different people's views & perspectives. It gives me a better understanding of the differences in us all :)

I understand your preference to stay in a rural area, and of course your desire to visit WDW. And I certainly understand the looks from people when they hear that we'll be visiting WDW again...Been there heard that for sure ;). I also totally get that some people choose to spend all of their money on their home, or clothes, or cars. I know people like that too.

I was speaking more to the idea of one being relatively frugal in all aspects of their lives and then dropping 8K on a one week vacation. Most people I know who are really frugal, which it sounds like you are in almost every other aspect of your life....could never bring themselves to spend 8K on a vacation. I know this, because I'm like this too :). We have the money, and yet when it comes to trying to plan a higher end trip, we both automatically think of ways that we could take the same trip, lose none of our enjoyment and do so for less money.

In fact, we're going through this right now. We have been looking at cruising the Med for our 10th anniversary. We don't want to go on one of the massive ships and so were researching a pricier smaller ship. The total for the two week cruise with everything included would be about 20K. I have no issues spending money on vacation, and like I said, we're in great shape financially, but I can't get past that 20K figure. And we're not that far off from what you spent...we'd be at 10K for a week, you're at 8K. The more we evaluate it, the more we're convinced we could take *two* very nice, 2 week trips to Europe for what this one cruise would cost us. And we know we'd have just as much fun. So, I guess my point is that it's interesting to me how you are able to switch gears and go from having $200 be a big deal to you....to spending over $1,000 a day on a vacation. Like I said, to each his own....I just find it interesting. Like people say....different strokes....

crisi
04-20-2006, 10:15 AM
disneynewbee,

My comments to cancel the trip were based on a few things. And I'm glad it sounds like she can do both.

I don't know how money works in your household, but in my household its a limited resource. If I spend $100 on dinner out, that's $100 I don't have for new shoes. The OP said money is a limited resource for her.

I don't know how money works in your household, but in my household its a shared resource. If I want to spend $3,000 on a trip, my husband needs to agree to it. I know some families where each adult has their own (and sometimes significant) bank accounts to do with as they please, but since the OP said she needed to get her husband to agree to their trip, I don't believe that is the case here. She may have some of her own money, but it isn't sufficient for the trip.

The OP said money was tight and that they'd need to work overtime to get that $200. I'm assuming that means that the budget is already pretty pared down - they can't just drop the lattes David Bach believes we all buy. However, with $200 being a lot of money, she is willing to spend six times that on a second trip within a year.

I don't know about your family, but regardless of how much I like or don't like my current mother in law (and I do like her, though sometimes she drives me nuts), she is important to my husband. My husband is important to me. So my mother in law is important to me. This isn't true in all families, but I'm assuming that the OPs husband and his mother are not estranged, and that the OP cares about her husband enough to care about the people he cares about.

With the last point, I believe its important that they contribute, even though I think SIL was way out of line to make the commitment. I don't believe its ever appropriate to commit someone else's time or money.

Because of the first points, the money has to come from somewhere. The only thing that she has said is discretionary is the vacation. Because of my personal experience on the other side I believe, claiming broke for reasonable family obligations (especially with your inlaws) and then spending a much greater amount on yourself is bad for family relationships. And, because of my own experience, I think that is often bad for a marriage. Disney trips are great, but I wouldn't risk even slight harm to my marriage over one.

As I said, I'm thrilled that they will be able to do both.

calie_j
04-20-2006, 04:01 PM
I understand your preference to stay in a rural area, and of course your desire to visit WDW. And I certainly understand the looks from people when they hear that we'll be visiting WDW again...Been there heard that for sure ;). I also totally get that some people choose to spend all of their money on their home, or clothes, or cars. I know people like that too.

I was speaking more to the idea of one being relatively frugal in all aspects of their lives and then dropping 8K on a one week vacation. Most people I know who are really frugal, which it sounds like you are in almost every other aspect of your life....could never bring themselves to spend 8K on a vacation. I know this, because I'm like this too :). We have the money, and yet when it comes to trying to plan a higher end trip, we both automatically think of ways that we could take the same trip, lose none of our enjoyment and do so for less money.

In fact, we're going through this right now. We have been looking at cruising the Med for our 10th anniversary. We don't want to go on one of the massive ships and so were researching a pricier smaller ship. The total for the two week cruise with everything included would be about 20K. I have no issues spending money on vacation, and like I said, we're in great shape financially, but I can't get past that 20K figure. And we're not that far off from what you spent...we'd be at 10K for a week, you're at 8K. The more we evaluate it, the more we're convinced we could take *two* very nice, 2 week trips to Europe for what this one cruise would cost us. And we know we'd have just as much fun. So, I guess my point is that it's interesting to me how you are able to switch gears and go from having $200 be a big deal to you....to spending over $1,000 a day on a vacation. Like I said, to each his own....I just find it interesting. Like people say....different strokes....

I totally get that point and skipped over it 1. because of fear of getting flamed and 2. because as earlier stated I did go overboard on that trip (it got a bit over the top before I realized it) and really don't need other people to make me feel guilty about that. The biggest misconception here is that I live relatively frugally, in all honestly I do try to and have been working at being more frugal for the past few years thanks in large part to this Budget board, which is why I stick around whether I have a WDW trip or not. But there are still areas that I need to work at and alot I could learn to do a better job so I'd say it would be a better description that I'm a student of living frugally and didn't get to the lesson on vacation yet :rotfl: . You have a really good point that it would have been better to take 3-4 budget trips instead of 1 splurge trip; live and learn and I'm sure I will be looking at that aspect more carefully in the future to get better mileage from my vacation $$'s since I would prefer more time over a fancy room we only sleep in and some of the other extras. I'm still glad we had our splurge trip since it was very special, and there's nothing I can do to change what was spent now so why regret it or feel guilty over it and ruin those memories :cloud9:

Calie

luv2nascar
04-22-2006, 08:17 AM
Just a word of caution. We did a shared 60th birthday party/retirement party for my FIL some years ago and boy was it a mess. DH has two brothers. BIL/SIL did all the planning would not let us help and invited who they wanted but expected us to pay. Okay we said we would split tap three ways. It was a picnic in summer agreed to $200 ea. SIL invited 70+ people and 50-60 showed up. She over bought somethings like plastic utensils from Sam's club box of 500 etc. She took all the extras home like cups, plates, etc. :rolleyes: I thought the food she was buying sounded like not to much variety and store bought etc. I spent my own money and made 10# hamburger BBQ and rolls, homemade coleslaw, 2# macaroni salad, rice pudding and on and on it went. BIL had the nerve to ask for another $100 the day of the party. DH was like come on we just brought how much stuff here??? BIL asked to see receipts?? We did this out of the kindness of our hearts we weren't asking to be paid for it just not pay more money.

We did not end up paying anymore money and I felt that was fair. I never want to have a shared party with them again. It is a bad idea all the way around. :sad2:

crisi
04-22-2006, 09:08 AM
I totally get that point and skipped over it 1. because of fear of getting flamed and 2. because as earlier stated I did go overboard on that trip (it got a bit over the top before I realized it) and really don't need other people to make me feel guilty about that. The biggest misconception here is that I live relatively frugally, in all honestly I do try to and have been working at being more frugal for the past few years thanks in large part to this Budget board, which is why I stick around whether I have a WDW trip or not. But there are still areas that I need to work at and alot I could learn to do a better job so I'd say it would be a better description that I'm a student of living frugally and didn't get to the lesson on vacation yet :rotfl: . You have a really good point that it would have been better to take 3-4 budget trips instead of 1 splurge trip; live and learn and I'm sure I will be looking at that aspect more carefully in the future to get better mileage from my vacation $$'s since I would prefer more time over a fancy room we only sleep in and some of the other extras. I'm still glad we had our splurge trip since it was very special, and there's nothing I can do to change what was spent now so why regret it or feel guilty over it and ruin those memories :cloud9:

Calie


That's really easy to do....especially if you hang here (not the budget board, but the DISBoards in general). It doesn't take long for someone to say "You HAVE to stay concierge, its so wonderful and it will SAVE you money because you can get breakfast in the morning" (Like a few rolls and coffee are going to cover a $300 difference between a value and a deluxe.). Then someone else chimes in with "You absolutely NEED to eat at the California Grill when fireworks are happening." Someone mentions that 10 day tickets are only a few more dollars than seven days (but its three more room nights!). And its ONCE IN A LIFETIME, how could you NOT do Hoop de Do or an Illuminations Cruise? Before you know it, this little trip you were going to take - that you could have taken - for $3,000 - turns into an $8,000 spend every penny trip.

(I've been going to Disney for over twenty years. I've never stayed Concierge (though I did spend three nights at the Poly on my honeymoon), never eaten at the CG (on our list for sometime), never done Hoop de Do or an Illuminations cruise. So far, me and my family seem to be surviving without significant psychological damage from this major holes in our Disney experience.)

But you are right, it is done, no use in regretting it. Enjoy the memories.

We just went over budget on our next cruise. We'd invited my parents along over a year ago (we sail in October). I was giving them the cruise as a thank you, they've really helped with my kids a lot over the years, they were going to pay their own airfare. Well, my little sister has had some health problems and personal issues, and they've been on planes a little more than their budget could take this winter. So I picked up the airfare. With gas prices, the $1200 I'd thought I'd spend when I booked the cruise for 4 was now $2400 for six of us.

dvcgirl
04-22-2006, 09:17 AM
I totally get that point and skipped over it 1. because of fear of getting flamed and 2. because as earlier stated I did go overboard on that trip (it got a bit over the top before I realized it) and really don't need other people to make me feel guilty about that. The biggest misconception here is that I live relatively frugally, in all honestly I do try to and have been working at being more frugal for the past few years thanks in large part to this Budget board, which is why I stick around whether I have a WDW trip or not. But there are still areas that I need to work at and alot I could learn to do a better job so I'd say it would be a better description that I'm a student of living frugally and didn't get to the lesson on vacation yet :rotfl: . You have a really good point that it would have been better to take 3-4 budget trips instead of 1 splurge trip; live and learn and I'm sure I will be looking at that aspect more carefully in the future to get better mileage from my vacation $$'s since I would prefer more time over a fancy room we only sleep in and some of the other extras. I'm still glad we had our splurge trip since it was very special, and there's nothing I can do to change what was spent now so why regret it or feel guilty over it and ruin those memories :cloud9:

Calie

I don't think you should feel guilty....I'm sure you had a great time. It really is okay to spend money, well, providing you can afford it. Lots of people on these boards stay in the deluxe disney resorts. Some probably do go less often to be able to stay there. We used to pay to stay at the Y&B years ago, mostly because we lived in an apartment at the time and enjoyed a little luxury. Once we built a big home with a pool, it was funny, we no longer felt like we needed to stay there. We bought DVC when were still in that apartment and figured we'd always want a one bedroom unit, but then we found that we did just fine in a studio. It's been a gradual process for us too. The older (and hopefully wiser) we've gotten the more we find that we don't need a luxury hotel when we vacation. Just about every person I know only has a finite amount of money to spend on vacations. And like you, I prefer to stretch those dollars into longer vacations instead of more luxurious vacations at this stage of my life.

SleepyatDVC
04-22-2006, 11:54 AM
Just finished finding and reading this thread.

I really sympathize with the OP.

We are going through something similar in that my MIL called us this past Christmas to make sure that we "save" next Christmas for her. She wants the whole family (3 kids plus their families) to come down to TX for Christmas. She wants to "celebrate" her and FIL's 40th wedding anniversary at the same time.

SIL, who lives in TX also (the parents moved within 2 blocks of her), called a few days later to let us know that Mom has "informed" her that the parents WANT a dinner party from the kids to celebrate the event. Obviously, the 3 kids will need to split the costs 3 ways.

So, what are you going to do? :confused3 I actually feel sorry for SIL who will need to do all the work planning everything since she is the only one in town, plus chip in her monetary share.

I actually resent the loss of vacation time (DH only gets 2 weeks a year) for a family event more than the money, even though it will be a lot.

For the OP and others who thought that $1800 divided between 9 siblings was a lot, a Chinese banquet with 10 courses costs about $300-$500 per TABLE of 10-12 people. The prices actually higher for weddings. The dinner party will definitely be a Chinese banquet. We have Chinese banquets for "regular" family dinners. So, the costs for just my family of 4 would be around $150-$200. The parents will probably want at least 8-10 tables.

Aside from the costs of the meal, we will have to purchase airfare for 4 from NYC to IAH which will run us about $1200-$1500 since the drive would be way too long.

I keep thinking that we could have a very nice WDW trip with that money! :rotfl2:

It's a big chunk even we won't starve if we shell it out.

I have a feeling the parents in law will give all the kids and grandkids "Red Envelopes" of money to help us with the expenses. But I wouldn't expect it or count on it.

It would only be fair, I guess. I threw a Chinese dinner banquet to celebrate my Dad's 70th birthday a few years ago with invitations and everything. My Dad had a blast! We supposely picked up the whole tab for 20 tables since I am an only child. But in reality, Mom helped us out.

So, we will suck it up and "do the right thing" even if it winds up costing us a few grand even without the airfare. DH is the one that is complaining more about the cost and trouble. He's not too close to his parents or family and thinks it's ridiculous to go to all this trouble. Me, I understand that family is family. We might not like it but we will do it.

Besides this splitting the Dinner Banquet thing, we have run into the split gift thing before too. We have nothing against the split gift thing at all. It's easier (for the parents who have everything and needs nothing) and makes everyone "equal" in a sense. It happens very infrequently and usually for "special" occasions only.

But one year, we were proud of ourselves for getting DH's parents' gift early. We got them a new digital camera with photo printer. Their big screen projection tv died soon after. DH had talked about getting them another one much earlier. The other siblings decided that we should all chip in and get them a new big screen projection tv. We would have no trouble doing so except that we had already purchased an expensive gift already. So DH declined to chip in and it was a bit of a mess but we just ignored it. The in-laws got their tv but I'm not sure of the details - DH knows but I never bothered to find out.

nbodyhome
04-22-2006, 01:51 PM
I actually resent the loss of vacation time (DH only gets 2 weeks a year) for a family event more than the money, even though it will be a lot.
.

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't delegate my husbands time like that. I mean, I do in the sense that I am planning on going to Europe this year again (for my 40th birthday) and he's going with me. I am planning the dates and such out, but he knows he can opt out if he wants. (he doesn't want to, and I'm fitting things in that I know he'd like).

There are times when my dad says "bring your H" when I visit, but I never forced my ex-H or my new H to go. Each has been able to choose when to visit.

My father always insists on paying when I visit, though I do lose time from work and he always has me doing things for him when there. It's actually a bit of a hassle, but I love him and he's my father and who knows how long he (or any of us) have left.

Anyway...a couple of hundred dollars would be my pleasure to part with if there was something important for my family. A few thousand or more including airfare - I'd have to think about it. If it was a problem financially, I'd definitely say something.

nbodyhome
04-22-2006, 01:54 PM
Just about every person I know only has a finite amount of money to spend on vacations. And like you, I prefer to stretch those dollars into longer vacations instead of more luxurious vacations at this stage of my life.

I do as well - like I love the Polynesian, but I can stay 4 or 5 nights at the Pop for the same price. It makes it hard to book a deluxe for more than an occasional special night, it's just too pricey.

We plan to go to Europe this year, and the hotels I'm choosing should average out at about $100.00 a night. Some nights will be around $80, 3 nights will be higher for an apartment hotel in Edinburgh, etc. I would rather stay cheaply and spend more time than to spend a lot in accomodations. We plan to buy a house next year, and I want to incorporate things there - like a Heavenly Bed from Westin, etc. - so that I don't feel a need to splurge on luxury outside the house.

arminnie
04-22-2006, 06:01 PM
I have to admit what I did for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary 10 years ago. My sister is not good at planning anything and has no money. My brother cannot be bothered with any details - only wanted to show up but did volunteer to pay.

I planned it all long distance and did it up big time. Beautiful catered reception with fabulous flowers and a wedding cake in the afternoon for hundreds. A sitdown dinner and dance for immediate family (130 in our family) for that evening with open bar, etc. a Brunch on Sunday. I spared no expense whatsoever.

I know I spent over $10,000, but I also worked like a dog. Beautiful memory boards with pictures throughout their life. My mother told me it was the best day of her entire life. That made it all worth it.

Family came from all over the country. I have never regretted doing it as six weeks after this event my mother found out that her breast cancer had spread to the liver and lungs and was terminal. We also had 6 other relatives die within six months (several only in their 60s).

I sent my brother the bills for every single penny I spent. Which he paid without a whimper. I don't know what his wife thought. I don't discus this much but my brother is practically a billionaire (self made) so it was chicken feed to him (he'd only been married about a year so he'd made all of this money before he got married).

I have never seen my parents so happy. The memories are so fabulous that I think it would have been worthwhile if I'd had to borrow money to do this - and those of you who know me know how I feel about NOT borrowing money.

But that's all my story - totally irrelevant to the OP's situation.

As to the tacky vs. cheap - I think it was very tacky for the SIL to dictate what you should give, I did at least ask my brother about paying although I didn't tell him how much nor did he limit me.

But I do think it would be cheap not to do something special for such a special day. Only the OP can really decide what amount is appropriate. If $200 is really not feasible I would be upfront and just admit that to the SIL and offer to pay what you can.

There have been times in my life that I'd have been up the proverbial creek if someone had announced to me that I had to come up with $200.

SleepyatDVC
04-23-2006, 09:51 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't delegate my husbands time like that. I mean, I do in the sense that I am planning on going to Europe this year again (for my 40th birthday) and he's going with me. I am planning the dates and such out, but he knows he can opt out if he wants. (he doesn't want to, and I'm fitting things in that I know he'd like).

There are times when my dad says "bring your H" when I visit, but I never forced my ex-H or my new H to go. Each has been able to choose when to visit.

My father always insists on paying when I visit, though I do lose time from work and he always has me doing things for him when there. It's actually a bit of a hassle, but I love him and he's my father and who knows how long he (or any of us) have left.

Anyway...a couple of hundred dollars would be my pleasure to part with if there was something important for my family. A few thousand or more including airfare - I'd have to think about it. If it was a problem financially, I'd definitely say something.


Hi Denise,

I'll address this since it was in response to my post.

Technically, I'm not delegating DH's time since it's HIS parents. Unless, I am delegating his time by pushing him to do the right time and respect HIS parents' wishes and going to visit them and celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary this Christmas.

DH has the more limited vacation time. I am more flexible but I would be loathe to visit the in-laws without him.

As for DH visiting his parents without me, that would be nice but not realistic in our situation. My MIL has expressed her wishes that the WHOLE family which includes her children, their spouses and the numerous grandchildren to spend Christmas with her and at the same time have a party for her anniversary.

DH is welcome to visit his parents without me but he would have no desire to do so.

In terms of "family events," unless it was extenuating circumstances, my MIL & FIL would expect me (& the kids) to attend or it would REALLY offend them. Apparently, I married "INTO" their family when I married their son. :rolleyes2 After all, the kids and I now share their last name. In reality, their son is now closer to my parents and family and I am no way as close to them as they think or would like.

As for the financial aspect, everyone in the family is having to make the sacrifice. I can't say that we are worse or better off then DH's siblings. His brother makes more $$ than us but he has a house to support as well as 2 more kids than us. We have no house and therefore have less assets but have more disposable income to spend on this thing if necessary.

As I briefly mentioned, I doubt that my in-laws will really want or expect everyone to pay so much money out of pocket. They will probably "help" in a round about way. They just want the bragging rights to their firends and family and the universe, if possible, that their kids did something so special for them. :rolleyes1 That's just how they work.

roliepolieoliefan
04-24-2006, 07:41 AM
I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head. :confused3

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad! :sad2:

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

plummer925
04-24-2006, 07:46 AM
I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head. :confused3

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad! :sad2:

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

I 100% agree with you - and what's sad, is that it's not only this thread, but the entire DIS boards lately - people are rude and just plain MEAN lately... :sad2:

IwasatWDWforamonth
04-24-2006, 08:16 AM
My grandma's 80th b day party was pretty much free, with exception of home cooked food and a bakery cake and presents(my grandma still loved suprises).
The whole family was there it was a wonderful party. Im almost postive that my grandma enjoyed her party as much as any 1800 dollar party.

Oreo Cookie
04-24-2006, 09:02 AM
I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head. :confused3

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad! :sad2:

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

I agree with you 100%! My dad passed away when I was young (12) and my mom passed two years ago (I was 38) and I wish I could be planning their BD or anniversary parties, but life is so unexpected that you need to really enjoy your family now, because you just don't know what the future holds.

As for my inlaws, they treat me like a daughter and I have a wonderful relationship with them. I think having a good relationship is a two-way street and you have to work on it, and sometimes it may mean compromise, but in the end it is worth it.

I would do anything for my inlaws, and next year we will be planning a huge 50th wedding anniversary party.

Even if I wasn't close to them, they raised my husband, and he is a loving, caring, and wonderful man, which is a direct reflection of them and their values. I would do whatever I could to always keep a wonderful relationship for them, for my husband's sake. They are his parents, and they deserve to be respected and loved. I think we need to put more of an emphasis on family, and less emphasis of the so-called "sacrafices" we make to be with family.

TnTWalter
04-24-2006, 01:03 PM
but that's water under the bridge.

That said, I have always consulted my brother before I purchased items or planned a trip for my folks. He has either offered to pay half, or said no or done 'what he could'. So one year, we split the cost of a gas grill for dad's 60th birthday, then we split the cost of diamond earrings for mom's 60th. I did the shopping to find the best deal, etc and we agreed on a cap price. When their 40th anniversary came about, I wanted to send them on a cruise. DH and I paid for the cruise and my brother paid for several bottles of wine during the cruise [they were in their room upon arrival]. They recently wanted to do a professional picture of all the grand kids for mom and dad. Money was tight for us at that point so I volunteered to take a picture, have it developed large in b&w and sis-in-law bought the frame and matting for it. No grumbles either way. I should say that we are in similar financial situations, they probably make slightly more and only have 1 child while we have 3 and 1 income. So that might make a difference.

Trish

poohluvrs
04-24-2006, 01:13 PM
We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie
80th bday -= Big deal! Participate or you'll regret it!

We did this for DH parents 35th anniv! There are 7 kids in his family, we planned a special dinner & reserved 1/2 of a very expensive restaurant w/ the whole family. Of the 7 kids, 2 are in college & couldnt pay, but of the remaining 5 (many of whom brag about making 7 figures) only 3 of us split the entire check (over $600 a piece)!
Was I angry, yes, we had just had two babies & had no income, but I know I feel better than the cheapskates who stiffed us (i.e. DH's other brothers & sister) :smooth: