Have you ever left a child behind....

[DisneyPhD]

or taken a vacation with out your kids? I hear about it all the time. Many people do it (most at one time or another I think.) I don't think it makes them a bad parent. :) So far I haven't taken a trip with out my kids, but I can see the day coming some day. ;) ( I dream about it sometimes, but am not ready to yet, they are still pretty young.)

However it does seem that many people feel taking one child someplace, (like WDW) and leaving another child with family as a bad or unfair thing.

I was raised in a family where different people had different needs and one size doesn't fit all. I had 3 older brothers and they would often go to places or things I didn't (bmx bike trips, stakboarding things ect..) I would get other things more for my age and interests. We also would do entire family trips too.

This thread was inspired by a few older ones (and one current one poohbear) that parents were asking about taking an older child and leaving the baby or tolder behind. They generated some pretty strong resonses and I was suprized how many people feel each child needs to be treated the same to be fair.

[sara74]

DH and I took a business/vacation trip last September. The kids were 3 1/2 and 14 months. My inlaws came to our house for a week and kept the kids on their normal school schedule. The kids loved the week and the inlaws claimed to as well :thumbsup2 As for DH and I - we spent a few days at a dental convention (yawn even for 2 dentists!) and a few days hiking in Rocky Mountain Natl Park. It was amazing! And hiking is something that we enjoyed as a couple before we had kids that we can't really do all that much/seriously with them. It was so great to reconnect as a couple doing something that we did before we became Mommy and Daddy.

So for us it really worked. I wouldn't do it to go somewhere we could conceivably take the kids (ie the beach,Disney) but since I was knocked on my tush by altitude sickness hiking at 12,000 feet I don't think the kiddos could have taken it! DH wants to go again next year - somewhere else this time- but I am off the hook as I will be bfing the new baby for a year and right now we are in a tiff with the inlaws so we won't have sitters! Guess we'll just have to go to Disney again next year!

[eblack0409]

I can remember as a kid, my parents going on "adult only" trips...we always stayed with the grandparents! I think that, as much as you love your kids, you need to have "adult only" trips every now and then!

[DisneyPhD]

I can remember as a kid, my parents going on "adult only" trips...we always stayed with the grandparents! I think that, as much as you love your kids, you need to have "adult only" trips every now and then!

I agree with that. I am looking forward to one (need to ween someone 1st, then again a trip might be what I need to do that.) We have had opprotunties to leave them (or her when we only had just one) but at the time I just couldn't do it.

What about taking just one kid? Sometimes I feel bad for my oldest who's live changed so much after her baby sister was born. Sometimes I feel for my youngest who never got our full attention like her big sister did when she was a baby.

I guess I don't see how taking parent only vacations is good and even needed, but parent's who don't take all their kids based on need and ages are "bad" (for lack of a better word.)

[tmt martins]

I traveled for Sports all the time ( sometimes Just DW sometimes Both would come)

Now I'm not really doing it so DW and I take small 3 or 4 day trips .I think you and your kids need that sometimes nothing big just a small one .

[Jenn Lynn]

I don't think I could go to WDW w/o the kids. I can see DH and I taking a long weekend to a B&B together in the future when the kids are a bit older. I have never been away from them overnight and right now Avery still gets nervous about the idea. My Mom asked her if she wanted to come and stay a few days at her house w/o us and she said NO! LOL!

Someday we will though. :)

[Crazy4Disney72]

I have taken individual trips with all my kids, and DH and I took a 4 day weekend to WDW just the two of us last September. It was wonderful, first time we'd been away for more than one night together in 12 years. We didn't feel bad going without the kids, as we've been with them several times and knew we'd be with them several more times in the future.

[cornflkgrl]

or taken a vacation with out your kids? I hear about it all the time. Many people do it (most at one time or another I think.) I don't think it makes them a bad parent. :) So far I haven't taken a trip with out my kids, but I can see the day coming some day. ;) ( I dream about it sometimes, but am not ready to yet, they are still pretty young.)

However it does seem that many people feel taking one child someplace, (like WDW) and leaving another child with family as a bad or unfair thing.

I was raised in a family where different people had different needs and one size doesn't fit all. I had 3 older brothers and they would often go to places or things I didn't (bmx bike trips, stakboarding things ect..) I would get other things more for my age and interests. We also would do entire family trips too.

This thread was inspired by a few older ones (and one current one poohbear) that parents were asking about taking an older child and leaving the baby or tolder behind. They generated some pretty strong resonses and I was suprized how many people feel each child needs to be treated the same to be fair.



We have one child, 18 months. While it pains me to leave him at home with granny and grandpa for a week (the longest we've ever been away from him),
I know that if we took him it would be a miserable experience for him (scary characters, lots of strangers, no rides he can go on, messing up his nap schedule etc.) and obviously for us as well. We will take him one day when he is old enough to enjoy the experiance. I don't feel bad about leaving him here (other than I will miss him like crazy!!!) If I had an older child and him, assuming the older child was at least 5 I would probably leave the baby here and take the 5 year old and I see nothing wrong with that. I think Disney can be a scary and tiring place for a small child. Best is to take them when they are older.

[powellrj]

Since I was one who was told her kids were spoiled brats because they didn't want to go back to Disney this year, I thought I would jump in!!

#1 You can't judge other peoples lives based on your own. I have 3 kids that are 22, 15 and 9. Do I treat each of them the same? Are you kidding???? My oldest stopped wanting to travel with us when he got his first job and had a car and a girlfriend. Sure I missed him, but it wasn't fair to the smaller kids to have a sullen teen ruin their trip. I would love to have him travel with us again, but at 22 he is always invited, but went on a 2 week trip to Europe with his girlfriend. At his age I would have done the same thing.

DS # 2 has been to Disney every year for the past couple of years. He was really tired of the trip and asked if we could do something different. We are spending the week on-site at Universal. Do I feel like he was a spoiled brat because he didn't want to go to Disney this year? No, we talked as a family and made the choice to Not do Disney this year.

I have taken each of the children for weekend Mom and 1 kid trips. We also do mom and 2 kid trips and mom and 3 kid trips. We don't go to Disney, but we do smaller local trips. We have a mom and son trip in the planning stages to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I know DD would be bored out of her mind going. DD and I are planning a girls shopping weekend trip this summer. I know DS would hate that. DS #1 may have to have some medical test done in Texas in a few months. I am not taking all the kids down for that. It will just be the 2 of us.

Yes we do things as a family, but I also treasure all the special time I have had with each child. I wouldn't trade a minute of that for anything. If that makes them spoiled brats, Oh well...................

[dawnball]

We go without our daughter all the time, but only one of us goes. So DH gets some vacation time by himself, and I get some too. We also take vacations without the other spouse. We haven't ever left DD behond, but once she's older we probably will set up seperate vacations for her. I wouldn't make that decision based solely on age though - but rather based on her interests.

I took DD to disney at 15ish months while DH stayed home. She had a ball, and so did I, we just toured differently than we would have without her (since I didn't have DH, we couldn't babyswap, so I just skipped rides she couldn't go on)

[bettyann29]

Me and DF take one trip every year without the kids... However our kids have no problem with that as we take a family trip generally every year.. sometimes every other year.. We go to WDW or take cruises with the whole family.. Last year just me and DD8 went to WDW for Labor Day weekend which this was her birthday/Christmas present.. When she was 2 yrs old, me and my ex husband along with my other daughter and son went to WDW and she stayed behind with my parents as I wasnt sure at that time that we would ever get the chance to go back and I wanted my 2 older children to have a wonderful time and I thought that bringing her would slow us down so to speak, so I wanted to take her to WDW since she had never been.. I dont see anything wrong with taking time away without the kids.. it doesnt mean you're a bad parent.. I also think spending one on one time with each child is a wonderful thing.. Especially when you have multiple children, it makes them feel special and gives them time to bond..

[sanibelover]

When my youngest was 2, we took the 2 older boys to Disney and left the baby with the grandparents. I didn't feel guilty about not taking him to Disney, but I did have a few pangs about leaving him in general. He was fine of course and we had a much better time without all of the baby trappings. (He is 4 years younger)

My husband and I have also been to Disney the last 2 years sans kids. The only time I felt guilty was when the youngest got sick while we were gone. He was well cared for and not upset at all, but I am the Mommy.

We homeschool so my kids are with me 24/7. It is quite difficult for me to relax without them because I don't quite feel complete somehow. BUT, it is also very important to have some time away with my husband as we see each other very little on a day to day basis.

This is a very personal decision, but I think as the kids get older, they actually appreciate some time away from their parents, I know I did when I was growing up. (Used to spend six weeks every summer with my grandparents) I don't know if I could take another trip to Disney without them though.

[Marseeya]

This is such a good question. I was just talking with a friend about this. Her two older kids and my two kids are the same ages -- the oldest boys are 15 and the younger ones are 10. Then she has two little ones -- a preschooler and a toddler.

Her oldest and my oldest hate travelling with us these days. For one, it's a teen thing, but for another, they just don't have the same interests. We both agree that it's probably a good idea for the entire family if they don't go with us on those bigger vacations. They won't have any fun and their attitudes will make sure we don't either.

It really makes me sad not to have a kid who loves Disney as much as I do, but I'm sure not going to force the issue.

[tjmw2727]

I have done both! I took my oldest dd to WDW twice alone and youngest dd twice alone. I have also taken them together without DH and gone with DH alone. DH dosen't get much vacation time so the girls and I often go on school breaks and save the family vacation for places DH preferrs. It helps that we have family in FL, FF miles and AP's. Its also one of a few places I feel safe and comfortable vacationing as the solo adult.

The first two trips with older dd younger dd didn't mind as she was home with daddy and too young to understand. Then by the time she realized she had gone alone as well. DH has conventions for work, some are family friendly and some are not. We attend them without dd's if necessary and one was at WDW.

They don't feel jealous of us or each other (so far anyway) and we work hard to keep it that way. In my family fair isn't always equal but its everyone being understood and getting what they may need at the time. Its not about what they want or what XXX has.

I may take my youngest again in the fall but my oldest will start middle school and won't have the same days off nor be able to miss school. I am certain she will understand, we will talk prior of course.

We always do a family vacation with everyone, camping, WDW visiting family and recently even a cruise. But when the other trips come up it depends on what where and when as to who goes along.

I totally understand why someone would not want to vacation without the entire family. For our family occasional vacations with different combinations of family members work as well.

TJ

[newholidayx2]

Our trip next week will be the first time Ive left DS13 behind. He and Dad will be having "boys week" and they cannot wait!
Going for a wk - first time solo and first time girls only - I am soooooooo ready! :cheer2:

[crisi]

My DH and I spent a week in Mexico last year - the kids stayed at Grandmas - they were 5 and 6 at the time. We all had a great time - though I missed them and they missed us.

And my husband and I have both done "independant" trips - my husband just got back from one with his brother.

The first time we left them I was gone three days on business - we tacked a weekend onto the end, so I was gone five days and my husband was gone three. The kids were one and two.

[linda_loo]

We haven't taken a parents-only trip, and while I would love some time away, I don't think it will happen for several reasons. Number 1 is that neither of our parents are really able to care for our kids for anything more than a couple hours.

Our children are 2 and 4... and I don't foresee us ever taking a vacation where we take one child and leave the other somewhere. At least not for the next, say 10-12 years. Money is tight, and we don't take a lot of trips. So, when we go, we plan something where there will be something for everyone. I like this and am comfortable with it, I make great efforts to plan a "family" vacation, for the sole purpose of enjoying each other.

I also can't imagine what it would be like to enjoy a trip, knowing that our other child isn't with us. Even if that child would rather be elsewhere, I know I would be sad and vacationing seperately is just not what I am after in a vacation. I am an only child and spent so many hours by myself, so many vacations with no one to ride with. I just really really like it that my girls have a sister and I want to take advantage of every moment that we can together.

Now, that's just me... I have absolutely no judgement about what anyone else does... I don't know *you* (collective "you"), I am not in your home, not parenting your children, not living your life and I don't think about what you are doing at all.

[llp479]

DH and I have taken trips without dds. Most have been long weekends, but for our 10th anniversary my parents kept my 3dds and my sister's 3 kids and the four of us went to HI for a week. (My parents' treat, and idea, as we stayed at their timeshare!) The youngest child was my niece, age 4, and the oldest was my nephew 12. We all had a ball - parents, kids, and grandparents. We all live within 10 miles of each other so everyone is very close.

We've never taken trips that haven't included all the girls. My girls are soon to be 12 and 9, so they are close enough in age that their interests are the same. Thankfully, our school district coordinates breaks with the high school so I know until the twins start college we will have the same breaks.

DH also goes on his golfing trip with his friends, and I stay with the girls. We've done girly things while DH was gone. I know the 3 hours spent in the Amreican Girl store would have put him over the edge. :rotfl:

[rgribik]

Dh and I love Disney, so we go without the kids for a long weekend every other year or so. That being said, the kids go every year to Dis, so we aren't going to do a solo trip and then not get the kids there. But I don't see anything wrong taking a couples trip, it keeps us sane!!! We went to Dis before we had kids, so why wouldn't we want to go back just because we have kids now? I do have a wonderful Mom who can take all 5 of my kids for a few days, so the fear of leaving them isn't as big. It takes a few times to get used to going without them(Dh has no problem--he travels alittle for work, and takes a guys golf trip). I probally wouldn't take one child or a couple in my case, and leave a few at home, but I have not been in a situation yet that called for that. I guess we all do what works for our families, just as long as everyone is happy.

[solgent]

We have never both been away without the kids overnight. Partly that is because we do not have family or anyone volunteering to take care of them for us. DH & I have both been away individually at times. There was also one night last summer when all three had an overnight at camp. Also I have taken the girls on a number of trips without him.

As for trips with just one or some kids, it did happened last summer that the older two were at sleep-away camp for a week and I did a last minute trip with our youngest to NYC. I have a friend that I can stay with there, but her apartment is really small, and I am planning to take the girls one at a time for a weekend in NYC.

That's a little bit different because each will have her turn, and there's a reason (limited space) we don't all go at once. For a trip to WDW, I think we'd all go, unless/until someone actually opts out.

I don't think it's bad parenting, though. As I said, DH & I haven't been away just the two of us, but I know a lot of other people do it. I don't think they're wrong for doing it, or we're wrong for not doing it. The circumstances are different.

[lclark0621]

I could never go to WDW without my DS. I just would not enjoy myself. And I love traveling with my DS.

DH & I have never taken a trip without DS & dont plan on doing it anytime soon. Maybe when he is older, like a teenager, but certianly not before then.

When I go on vacation, I want to be with my family, and that includes my DS.

Maybe it is because DH travels a lot for work, maybe we just have a different perspective on travel, but neither of us would ever think of taking a vacation without our DS.

We traveled all over the world & did all the "adult travel" we wanted to before he was born.

When we became parents, we made the conscious choice to add a child to our lives. We knew that would mean a change in our daily activities, we knew that would change some of our travel for a while. We knew our lives would be different. And we choose to do it.

I dont see being away from my DS as a "vacation". I would worry to much about him, I would constantly be reminded of him & things he would enjoy doing, I would miss him to much.

So no, we have not vacationed without him & dont plan on it.

[tiff211]

It's definitely different strokes for different folks. We go on vacations w/o DD14, mainly because we tend to travel in the summer when she is visiting her dad. Sometimes she makes the choice not to go because of the age difference in her Dsis and her. I think she welcomes the break from the crying and temper tantrums and touching her stuff and slow pace that we have to take. We do take vacations WITH her as well, last we went to Hershey park and had a Blast!!!!

This year we are going to WDW in April, she is living with her dad now, so she won't be going but I will be taking her in May for her b-day, just me and her.

DH and I took a 4 night vacation in 2004 to Cancun. It was so needed. I already had DD14 when we got married and I git pregnant right away and before we got married we didn't have the means to vacation so it was a welcomed trip. We came back refreshed and energized and ready to take on anything!!!

[intrep93]

We are going to WDW in Sept w/o DS (3). We are taking the 9 and 6 year old. Here are our reasons:

#1 DS (3) is a bit of a nightmare. We love him, and as the baby he definitely has been indulged more than is probably good, and I have serious fears for him making it through pre-school without being expelled (ok that's a bit of an exaggeration, but he really can be quite naughty!). We take him to everything else, but DH and I have to take turns missing whatever it is we are trying to enjoy so we can keep a constant eye on him. Yes, that is a choice we happily made when we became parents, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve/need a break once in a while!

#2 This is only the 2nd time in 2 years we have taken a real vacation, not going somewhere for some event and trying to squeeze in some sightseeing while we are at it.

#3 DD (9) has been begging to go since she was 3. We told her to wait til she was 6 (we saw too many tired cranky toddlers being hauled around by tired cranky parent to think about going with a child any younger than that). Then DS cam along and we told her to wait til HE was 6. Now he's 6 and she's tired of waiting!

#4 We are driving.....from Iowa....enough said!

#5 We are on a tight budget and can't really afford a room that will allow 5 people. And we don't really want to spend a small fortune and then not be able to enjoy half the rides. neither of my other 2 will ride without me or DH by their side. So alot of the time that would mean going through each ride twice and taking turns instead of all being able to ride together, plus having the older kids stand around waiting while he enjoys all the "kiddy" rides. Otherwise we have to split up entirely and then we aren't really spending our vacation together anyway, are we?

#6 He's not the go-getter the other two are. They will go all day and night, but would have to stop twice a day for his nap, and be back in the room by 8 so he could go to bed - if he will go to bed at all. He doesn't sleep well in motels.

So, I am leaving one of my children home and already feeling guilty about it, even though I know for us, at this time, it is the best decision. He is going to take turns staying with my sister and parents and they will give him his own fantastic vacation. I will talk to him every day on the phone, and I will cry half way there missing him, and think of him constantly while we are at WDW. But I'm confident it will all turn out to have been for the best!

[DisneyPhD]

I don't think it's bad parenting, though. As I said, DH & I haven't been away just the two of us, but I know a lot of other people do it. I don't think they're wrong for doing it, or we're wrong for not doing it. The circumstances are different.


I have to agree. We haven't felt the need to take a trip with out them yet, or with just one since they both are good travelers. However just because I personally don't I doesn't mean others who do are wrong (or right). Every family and situation is different. Maybe some day it will be the right thing for us. We have taken just once of my nieces or nephews with us in the past. I know we will take a trip with just the 2 of us someday when they are still young.

I remember shortly after my 1st baby was born. I was reading a parent magazine and the questions was something like "what was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?" One women answered that very shortly after her 4th child was born her in laws too all the kids so they could go on a vacation just her and hubby. I was personally apauled at 1st. I coudln't imagine anyone taking my child 2 weeks after giving brith. You could not pry her out of my arms. (or away from my breasts ;) :rotfl: ) Then I stoped and thought. This women had 4 young kids. I might feel that way too after having 4 kids, not just one. (and now 2) Every situation is different and you just never know until you live it.

[Mom to Jordan]

Every family is different. In our family DH and I have taken week-end trips alone up to five hours or so away. DH and DS had done a few guy week-ends and DS and I have had a few week-ends away. We however do not take week long trips away from each other. Our vacation time and money really just does not allow EXTRA trips and we value the couple weeks we have together each year for vacations together. We really no not need or desire more time away from each other. We also made a pack years ago on our first WDW trip that WDW was our family's special place. We can, and do all travel there with others, but never without our whole family. Just what works for us.

[poohbearfan1]

OK, this may get long so bear with me!! Hey DisneyPhD, thanks for opening up this discussion. I really like some of the things you say in these posts but especially your way of saying it. That said, I also really liked what intrep93 and powellrj had to say. I have taken one trip with my DH alone. We did so when my 1st DS was 2 and we went to Ft. Myers Beach for a week with friends. I am so glad I did it because 3 mos. later one of them committed suicide. I almost did not go on the trip for fear and guilt over leaving my son. It was the best trip (aside from our honeymoon in WDW) that my DH and I ever took. Now, I currently am planning a trip in April and am leaning towards not taking my 18moDS. For a variety of reasons as you can read in my previous post. After reading many of your responses I am feeling better about this decision. I know that no matter what I do there are always going to be those who feel they need to judge me but I don't care about them. I am going to do what is best for me and my family. Someone (sorry, I forgot who) mentioned something about when we become parents we accept that we will forever have a child with us. Yes, this is true and our children's needs must be top priorities. However, I also believe very strongly in the love between partners/ spouses/ parents. What kind of a parent will I be if I do not spend quality time with my DH. What kind of example do we set for our children if we do not model how to nurture a realtionship. I came from a home where the love between my parents was so strong and visible. They always took mini or long vacations with each other. (I know this is not the only way to accomplish this either)It NEVER affected my sister and I negatively. If anything, it showed us that its important and ok. That being said, I am speaking about my experience and will never judge anyone for doing something different. I just want others to not have guilt if they do take trips alone with DH/ DW. I also know my DH younger brother was left home at 18mos to stay w/ Grandparents when the rest of the family went to WDW. I just spoke with him this weekend and asked him about it. He said it never even bothered him. He does not feel bad that he wasn't included or feels awful about seeing pictures. My MIL said he never asked about why he didn't go, he was told he was too young, money, and had special spoiling time with Grammy and Grampy. He has always been fine with that. I think that whatever anyone decides to do is the right decision for them.

[MARY-IN-OH]

My DH goes fishing in FL almost every year and I stay home with the kids.
We had a family trip to WDW in 98.
So... I decided to go to WDW in 04 w/o the kids/husband. (My "fishin' trip!) - My sister and I had a wonderful time! :woohoo: - And..my kids and my DH had fun without me - Kids and I are planning a wdw trip at the end of this year, and leaving DH home for the WDW portion of vacation!

[leighe]

I'm probably the worst parent on the Dis! DH and I are taking a short trip over my spring break and leaving DD3months with her grandparents. It's just the way our schedule worked out. We are planning on taking her this summer, however.

[kimmikayb]

My DH and I took one trip before our last two were born, but since then we have a hard time finding someone to watch all four. We took the little ones last month to WDW, the older two could not be out of school. However, I am going to try and take them this coming fall. My DH takes a vacation every winter to snowmobile (long weekend). He encourages me to go on a vacation by myself but I'd rather be with family. Every summer we try and take a family vacation together. We've been to Hersey PA, Myrtle Beach, SC and this year I'm hoping for Colorado.

[tjmw2727]

Interesting to read all the different perspectives.

Wanted to comment that our trips with just myself and one of my dd's or just dh and I are short, usually a long weekend. My dh travels alot for business so most of our trips with me and both my dd's are during school vacations when I know he isn't going to be home anyway. So rather than staying home without him we travel without him, weird I know but it works for us!!

Flame away if you like (JK) but I am doing a solo trip for a long weekend in April with my sil and I can't wait. I will miss my girls and DH like crazy but its been a year of changes and challenges, both my sil and I need the short break. My dd's are thrilled because they have daddy all to themselves for 4 days! I have also been instructed to do all the boring shows I like and rides they don't like so they don't have to next trip. I will think of them too much, buy them too much and miss them but I will have fun and get the R&R I need.

I have a group of very close girl friends and we all have kids around the same ages - met through mom & me way back when and are close 11+ years later. I would say 1/2 of us would travel without the entire family and the other half wouldn't dream of it.

We have so much in common yet so much we differ in, despite that (or maybe beacuse if it?) we are still great friends! Its great to discuss issues and ideas, not to change anyone's mind but to get another perspective and perhaps consider something you may not otherwise considered. Way back when it was breast/bottle, when to wean, when and how to potty train, public school or homeschool, sports etc. Now that the kids are tweens it gets even more interesting! Somehow we have managed to avoid judging and stay friends, its makes life, our friendship and our discussions very interesting.

This thread is reminding me of that ~~
TJ

[disneymom3]

DH and I have gone away for a weekend several times and left the kids with G'ma and G'pa. Quite honestly, they can't wait for us to leave when we drop them off and I am pretty sure they have a better time than we do. When my mom passed away, I left the boys--4 and 5--with my ILs and took DD 9 with me. Felt a little guilty, but in the end it was the best decision I could have made.

However, DH and I went on a cruise when the two older ones were 4 and 9 months. We left them with Gma on the weekend but a friend took them during the week. It didn't go really well and I regretted it big time. On the otherhand, we had left DD for a week when she was 1.5 with my mom to go on a cruise for our anniversary and that worked out great. Soooo, my answer is I would leave them to go somewhere with DH but only with Gma and Gpa.

[swillis]

Hmmm....I didn't read every post, but enough to get the vibe that spending time alone with your husband, without your children is frowned upon? :confused3

I honestly think that spending time alone with your husband is an absolute MUST DO. Your marriage is fragile, and we are only human. Like anything else in our lives, if we don't take the time to love, nurture and support our marriages they will not thrive. :love:

I don't think you do a disservice to your children to leave them periodically with people who love them, so that you may spend quality time with your spouse. When did we all become so overwhelmed with parenting that we push our marriages to the back burner?

I think there is (or should be) time in our very busy lives for a family vacation and a couples vacation.

I go away frequently with my husband. My kids will either stay with their father, or with my parents. We have been doing this for several years. My kids do not whine, or get upset. They get it.

Having already had one failed marriage, I have mistakes that I have learned from. One of the things I have learned is that unless I am happy- as a wife, a person, and a woman, then I can't be the best mother I am capable of being. It's just basic stuff that eveyone knows..."if Moms not happy, then NOBODYs happy"

Just my 2 cents...flame away :rolleyes1

[DisneyPhD]

Hmmm....I didn't read every post, but enough to get the vibe that spending time alone with your husband, without your children is frowned upon? :confused3

Just my 2 cents...flame away :rolleyes1

I don't know how many posts you read, or what ones. That isn't the feel that I have gotten from this thread (some other threads maybe, but not this one.) Of course the question was also about spending time or trips with not all members of the family. This can inculde taking kids, but not all of them for different reasons.

Acutally want to thank everyone for having a good dailog about what works for different families, but not judging others. :goodvibes

[DisneyPhD]

OK, this may get long so bear with me!! Hey DisneyPhD, thanks for opening up this discussion. I really like some of the things you say in these posts but especially your way of saying it. That said, I also really liked what intrep93 and powellrj had to say. I have taken one trip with my DH alone. We did so when my 1st DS was 2 and we went to Ft. Myers Beach for a week with friends. I am so glad I did it because 3 mos. later one of them committed suicide. I almost did not go on the trip for fear and guilt over leaving my son. It was the best trip (aside from our honeymoon in WDW) that my DH and I ever took. Now, I currently am planning a trip in April and am leaning towards not taking my 18moDS. For a variety of reasons as you can read in my previous post. After reading many of your responses I am feeling better about this decision. I know that no matter what I do there are always going to be those who feel they need to judge me but I don't care about them. I am going to do what is best for me and my family. Someone (sorry, I forgot who) mentioned something about when we become parents we accept that we will forever have a child with us. Yes, this is true and our children's needs must be top priorities. However, I also believe very strongly in the love between partners/ spouses/ parents. What kind of a parent will I be if I do not spend quality time with my DH. What kind of example do we set for our children if we do not model how to nurture a realtionship. I came from a home where the love between my parents was so strong and visible. They always took mini or long vacations with each other. (I know this is not the only way to accomplish this either)It NEVER affected my sister and I negatively. If anything, it showed us that its important and ok. That being said, I am speaking about my experience and will never judge anyone for doing something different. I just want others to not have guilt if they do take trips alone with DH/ DW. I also know my DH younger brother was left home at 18mos to stay w/ Grandparents when the rest of the family went to WDW. I just spoke with him this weekend and asked him about it. He said it never even bothered him. He does not feel bad that he wasn't included or feels awful about seeing pictures. My MIL said he never asked about why he didn't go, he was told he was too young, money, and had special spoiling time with Grammy and Grampy. He has always been fine with that. I think that whatever anyone decides to do is the right decision for them.


Thank you poohbearfan1, :blush: I must admit your thread did inspire me. I must say that I feel the responses have been more friendly here.

I hope what ever you decied it works out and you have a wonderful time. I think your little princess is going to LOVE WDW. I know mine does. princess:

[momofmmsd5]

I posted on the first post about this but my first respons was MUch shorter than this one. I went back to reread what others had said because I thought that most of what opers had said was positive but after going back I see why you started this one.
We have a family of 5 kids. Four of them are from my first marriage and the baby is from my second. When my ex and I had twins we had 4 kids 4 and under! My middle guy turned 2 the week after the babies were born. With that been said we did decide to leave them home when we took the older ones to WDW for the first time. It just would not have been fun for any of us if I had brought 2 ten month old babies.
I have also gone away without the kids so my DH and I could send time alone.I never did this with my ex. We do it when he has them for his week vacations or for a long weekend. It in some cases can be much easier to do when you are in a divorce situation because they are with their Dad having a good time! We have not left the baby home yet (he came with us last May for our Land/Sea cruise) and will be with us again this May in WDW. There is a large age gap between him and the older ones so it is easier to bring him along. It also helps when you bring you sitter along :blush: Everyone has diffrent comfort levels with this topic and I still say go with your heart. You can't go wrong with that. I think we all as parents get so wrapped up in being the perfect parent sometimes that we forget to take care of ourselves as well. I learned the hard way that your relationship with your spouse has to have the top priority so that you can be there for the kids!

[hollyb]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.

[Marseeya]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.

So, just out of curiosity, what if you had an older child who absolutely hated traveling? Would you just never travel?

[beattyfamily]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.

ITA. We would never go on an extended vacation without our kids or leave one behind. We would possibly get away for a weekend but that's it and it certainly wouldn't be a kid-friendly place like WDW.

[DVC Sadie]

What about taking just one kid? Sometimes I feel bad for my oldest who's live changed so much after her baby sister was born. Sometimes I feel for my youngest who never got our full attention like her big sister did when she was a baby.

I guess I don't see how taking parent only vacations is good and even needed, but parent's who don't take all their kids based on need and ages are "bad" (for lack of a better word.)
Well I turned out alright and yes my parents went on vacation without us at least once a year. My mother would take me on a separate vacation usually shopping in Houston for several days. My brother went on solo trips with my dad usually to some sports venue. (baseball or football) games. All children are different and have different interests and to treat them the same is a disservice to both the children and the parents. My brother was 5 years older than I so we enjoyed so many different things. I was very lucky to have grown up with parents who cared deeply about each other to take the time to keep their marriage fresh and meaningful by going solo on vacations without us. I guess I was blessed to be raised in a household that didn't worry about things always being exactly "fair" or "equal" but what was right for the child and parents at the time.

[Danestress]

My husband and I have had a few short vacations alone.

I would certainly take a child and leave one who didn't want to go. We are taking our 9 year olds to Disney and not our 18 year old, who will be in college and doesn't want to go.

I would also leave a child who was too young to understand where we were going or who couldn't function that that trip. I wouldn't take a one year old on a ski trip.

I would never take one child to Disney and leave another who was over 2 or so (ie who understood what was happening). The only exception would be if we traveled so much it didn't matter. Some families travel SO much and regularly split their kids up - quite happily.

For my kids, going to Disney (or the beach for a week) would be a special treat. I would never say "this is just for boys" or "this is just for girls." Again, if the boy or girl didn't WANT to go, that would be different. But I don't know any kids under 12 or so who *don't* want to go to Disney.

[disneymom3]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.


Hmm, one thing that I learned from my parents was that the most important thing for a child's wellbeing is to have parents with a strong marriage. I definitely enjoy time with my kids--heck, I homeschool them so I am around them a lot more than many parents!--but my husband and I are in love with each other too and we have a need to nurture that relationship not just as mommmy and daddy but as the two people we have always been and always will be. When the kids are grown and gone, I still want him to be my very best friend and that is not going to be able to be sustained without spending time with just the two of us.

Not flaming you at all, just saying what my perspective on the issue is. However, as I said above, we will only leave them for extended periods with the ILs so I know for some families that is not an option. We do have several girls who babysit for us though for regular ol' date nights.

[tjmw2727]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.

Ok - Please let me say that my family means more to me than anything and that includes vacations. That has nothing to do with taking a trip with dh or one of my daughters. Because I have done both please don't imply that my vacations or anything else is more important than my children or that I value them less than you do.

Sorry to the OP but I found that post judgmental ~

TJ

[solgent]

I honestly think that spending time alone with your husband is an absolute MUST DO. Your marriage is fragile, and we are only human. Like anything else in our lives, if we don't take the time to love, nurture and support our marriages they will not thrive. :love:

I don't think you do a disservice to your children to leave them periodically with people who love them, so that you may spend quality time with your spouse. When did we all become so overwhelmed with parenting that we push our marriages to the back burner?

I go away frequently with my husband. My kids will either stay with their father, or with my parents. We have been doing this for several years. My kids do not whine, or get upset. They get it.

Important to nurture the marriage-- I agree.
Spending time alone with spouse essential-- I agree.

But doesn't mean we need to go away for one or more nights without the kids to accomplish those things.

Not a disservice to leave kids with people who love them-- I agree.
No such people in our lives to take them overnight-- what can we do?

My kids have one set of grandparents-- my dad & stepmother-- and he's disabled-- they can't take care of our three and I wouldn't be comfortable with them doing it. My brother & his family live on opposite coast.

Your kids are staying with their own father and your parents are available to care for them. It's great that those resources are available to you and your kids. Not everyone has that. I don't think that means that we're permitting parenting to push our marriage to the back burner!

It just seems wrong to declare something a "MUST DO" when (a) not everyone is in a position to do it and (b) there are other ways to accomplish the same objective.

[PaulaSue]

I did two times, both were work won trips for DH and spouse only. We went for 4 days, 3 nights each time, once to Vegas and once to San Diego. I missed out on a lot of trips dh won, he went along many years because the girls were to young nursing or I was pregnant and high risk.

It was a nice time alone with DH (totally paid for by the tire dealers) but I would never go to Disney or another family vacation location without them.

[TLC371]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years now...he's got 3 kids from his first marriage. His mom has a timeshare and we go to Disney/Orlando once a year. The first year we took his youngest, the next year we took his oldest. Last year we were supposed to take the middle one, but he wasn't doing good in school, so it was just me and my boyfriend that went. This year we are taking the middle one with us. We have no problems with just taking one, or even going without them. The kids don't have problems with it either. By taking just one with us, we still feel like we get a bit of a vacation and time to relax, we are able to do more for/with the one that we take, things we couldn't do if we had all 3 with us, and we get special time with each of them. It works out well for us, but of course I understand that our situation may be a bit different than others.

[DisneyPhD]

DH and I would never leave the children to go on a vacation or worse yet leave one and take another. Our children mean more to us then a vacation. Yes when they are out of the house and grown we will then go by ourself. It would kill DH and I to leave them behind. Life is to short not to enjoy time with out kids.


While I understand your sentiment, I agree with tjmw2727 that this implys judgement. That those who do take vacations with out all members of the family feel somethings are more important then their children. I am guessing that wasn't your intent, but does come across that way.

Also an important thing to keep in mind is how much time a family spends together when not on vacation. Some families vacation time is the only time they spend together 24/7 with distractions of work, school and other things (even the computer.) Beacuse of this family vacation time is extra valuable. As a SHAM I spend a lot of time with my kids. My DH is a college professor and that also leave him with a good amount of family time. When I was working part time I didn't even want a sitter on the weekend because I felt I was away from her too much and didn't want to more. Neither DH or I travel for work so we are never away from them overnight for that reason.

Families where kids split time between parents as some have mentioned are more used to that agrangment so understanding some family members going on a trip and others not is eaiser for them to understand.

I also agree that when parent only vacations are not possible for whaterever reason (or desire) that time to nuture your relationship can be found outside of overnight trips. However having said that overnight trips are an idea way to spend some time together outside the role of parents when possible. ;)

I do agree that if I was going to take a trip with out the kids I would prefer it to a place that isn't super kid friendly. Just because if I was going to go through the trouble of leaving them I wouldn't want to be surounded by other kids. I think I would choose NYC maybe, or Mexico. :)

[tjmw2727]

While I understand your sentiment, I agree with tjmw2727 that this implys judgement. That those who do take vacations with out all members of the family feel somethings are more important then their children. I am guessing that wasn't your intent, but does come across that way.

Also an important thing to keep in mind is how much time a family spends together when not on vacation. Some families vacation time is the only time they spend together 24/7 with distractions of work, school and other things (even the computer.) Beacuse of this family vacation time is extra valuable. As a SHAM I spend a lot of time with my kids. My DH is a college professor and that also leave him with a good amount of family time. When I was working part time I didn't even want a sitter on the weekend because I felt I was away from her too much and didn't want to more. Neither DH or I travel for work so we are never away from them overnight for that reason.

Families where kids split time between parents as some have mentioned are more used to that agrangment so understanding some family members going on a trip and others not is eaiser for them to understand.

I also agree that when parent only vacations are not possible for whaterever reason (or desire) that time to nuture your relationship can be found outside of overnight trips. However having said that overnight trips are an idea way to spend some time together outside the role of parents when possible. ;)

I do agree that if I was going to take a trip with out the kids I would prefer it to a place that isn't super kid friendly. Just because if I was going to go through the trouble of leaving them I wouldn't want to be surounded by other kids. I think I would choose NYC maybe, or Mexico. :)

Good points and many are true in my situation. I work part-time and my dd's are in school from 8-4 so I am with them almost every minute of the day except school. Since my dh travels so much I am often the solo adult and we have a wonderful time together on a daily basis but I do need a break from time to time. OTOH both my dds and my dh are looking forward to a weekend with daddy to themselves, he is going to spoil them I am sure!!

Since dh is traveling so much now we are less likely to take a parents only trip together without the kids. At this point I feel it would be unfair to them since dh is away so much. I guess you have to look at the situation individually to see what is going to work each time.

My best friend works full time and has one daughter and you are right she would not consider taking a trip without her daughter. She has done a trip with her daughter with me and my girls but that was only because her dh was traveling for business that week. Yet she dosen't think it odd that we travel alone and I don't think it odd that she dosen't.

Funny thing about the trip dh and I did to WDW without the kids. We started out looking for a weekend in Boston, as we lived just North of Boston at the time. After lots of looking and trying to plan it turned out that because of AP's FFmiles and other discounts a weekend at WDW was cheaper than one in Boston at that time of year!

I also agree that it isnt' necessary to go away to get 1-1 time with your hubby and or your children. You can definately accomplish this with a night out or even a night in. Sometimes dh will take one dd on errands just to spend 1-1 time with her, my dd's can get very excited about a trip to Home Depot with dad LOL.

See I do care about and value my children :love: ~ honestly they do come first and sitting here now talking about them I can't wait to pick them up from school in a little while.

TJ

[cinjam]

We have two kids: DS5 and DS2. This June we are going away for five days without them. This will be the first time. My mom is watching them. She is comnig to stay at my house. DH & I are going to Orlando to visit DH's brother & probably going to do at least one day at a theme park.

I am so looking forward to a "long" period of time alone with DH. We have date night once a month, but for me it's not the same as going away. We do two family vacations a year (one to WDW and one somewhere else). I know I will miss my children, I expect that, but the desire to re-connect with DH is very strong. I am really looking forward to this trip. This is right for us - but I know what is right for us is not right for everyone else.

Would I go away on vacation with just one child in the future? Not sure yet, if I had to answer I would say probably. As it is now, I do some things with one child and not the other. Here's an example, both sons were invited to Chuck-E-Cheese's for a birthday party. DS5 did not want to go, wanted to spend a day with Dad raking leaves, was adamant about it actually. So I took DS2 & left DS5 home. Now, I know this is not the same as a vacation, but DS5 had a choice & did not want to take the "entertainment" route.

I remember when I was 16, had a small part-time job, a steady boyfriend..was totally IN LOVE :lovestruc , and my mom was planning a week long trip that summer. I BEGGED and PLEADED to be left home (my aunt would watch me). I remember this so clearly. She went on vacation with my two sisters (then 13 and 9) and left me behind. I was so thankful to be excluded.

I'll play it by ear with my sons. I would guess their interests may go in different directions as they get older. I would be willing to accomodate that.

[DisneyPhD]

Funny thing about the trip dh and I did to WDW without the kids. We started out looking for a weekend in Boston, as we lived just North of Boston at the time. After lots of looking and trying to plan it turned out that because of AP's FFmiles and other discounts a weekend at WDW was cheaper than one in Boston at that time of year!

TJ


LOL, we ended up at WDW for our 10 year aniversary trip. Why? We wanted to go somewhere and had AP already. It was the cheapest and most fun thing for us to do at the time. However at the time I couldn't bear to leave DD who was 2 years old. We did end up having a night to ourselves as BIL and SIL came for a few days and stayed with us in the DVC room. We got a AP rate at AKL and had one night alone. The only one with our kids so far or since then (but oldest DD has spent the night at grandmas a few times after her baby sister was born.) Those AP always mean more trips! The down side was our aniversary is in Aug and that isn't not our favorite time of year for WDW.

We have been to WDW many times before we had kids. It is a very different trips as just adults. I miss it, but now I think I would miss the kids too much. But then again maybe not. All I know is never say never. :teeth:

[shelleyz]

We have taken a few vacations without our boys ages 5 & 7. We've been to Disney(M-F), Poconos(weekend trip), Royal Caribbean Cruise(9 days), & Universal Studios(M-F). Nana came and stayed with them at our house each time. First time we went away by ourseves after the boys were born was when DS5 was 7 months old. I felt bad at first but its nice to be alone with DH once in a while. I am a stay at home mom and I am with my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Have 1 at home and 1 at school now. DH is a workaholic so we dont get much time alone. Its not like we don't do family vacations. We have taken then to WDW twice and they are going twice this year. We've done a trip to the White mountains in NH including Santas village, Clarks Trading Post and Story Land. Took a weekend in Maine to the beach and zoo. So, they get there fair share of vacations with us. Probably wont have anymore vacations by ourselves as nana is getting older and she is taking care of her mom now. I don't know about taking the boys seperately though. As of now I know they wouldn't let me take 1 to WDW and not the other, but in the future I could see me taking 1 to WDW while dad took 1 on a baseball trip, then the next time we would switch kids.

[tessqt]

Yep and I think it is good for us, we have done a long weekend once a year for the last 2 years, I am hoping for one this summer! I also went to Vegas 2 years ago with a girlfriend, no dh or kids and had a great time. I think that kind of vacation is needed also. My dh went away without us so he got his time too (actually longer than I did!!)

I however would never go to WDW without the kids, unless of course they didn't want to go. :eek: